04x15 - The Royal Painting

[bunniefuu]

(WATER DRIPPING)

Good morning, Kraus.

There's nothing good about it.

I'm going to drown
in this kitchen
if it starts to rain again.

(IMITATES NATIVE
AMERICAN CHANTING)

Benson, this mansion
is coming apart at the seams!

Well, don't holler
at me, Kraus.

You're the head
of household affairs.

If something needs
to get fixed, get it fixed.

What am I supposed to use
for money, my good looks?

Kraus, if your face
is your fortune,
you're bankrupt.

I need more money
for painting and patching
and general fix up.

I can't just give you money.

The familiar sounds
of home.

Oh, Governor, Pete,
welcome home.

Thank you.

How was your trip?

Oh, very expensive.

Where do the people
in Washington get the
money to live there?

From you and me.

Governor, I need to have
a talk with you.

Good morning.
Ah, welcome back, sir.

How was
the trade conference?

Boring, but that's
only half the story.

Good. It's usually
the whole story.

I'm so glad you're here.
I got something
I'm dying to tell you.

Governor,
about the maintenance...
Just a minute, Miss Kraus.

All right,
quiet, everybody.

Pete has something
wonderful to say.

Pete wants to tell us that
the queen's coming to visit.

Go ahead, Pete.

Elizabeth II?

Yes, Clayton, really,
the queen of England.

She's on a goodwill tour.

So that's where
she gets her clothes.

Benson.

Well, you better book her
a room at the Holiday Inn
because she's not coming here.

Why not, Miss Kraus?
Oh, Governor,

the ceiling leaks,
the drapes look awful,

und the place hasn't been
painted since Pluto was a pup.

You've got plenty of time to
fix those things. She's not
gonna be here for three weeks.

I'd be glad to. But Benson
won't give me the money.

I told you before,
I just can't give you money.

Well, you better just
give her the money.

We're talking about
Her Royal Majesty.

Where do you suggest
I get the money?
Ah.

Governor, look at that,
Drip, drip, drip.

Every time it rains,
it drips.

Look at all the water
that came from that ceiling.

It really does
look pretty bad, Benson.

Oh, nonsense.
It's just a little drip.

(CREAKING)

I'll find the money somewhere.

Benson, it is absolutely
essential that you study
this pamphlet on protocol.

Do you want to make
a fool of yourself
in front of the queen?

No, no, no, Clayton.
I'll leave that up to you.

Benson, I thought
you'd like to know
the painters start today.

Thanks, Kraus.
For instance,

do you know the proper form
of address for the queen?

I know everything
but the zip code.

Guess which painters
had the low bid.

Kraus,
you can't bother me now.
Clayton's annoying me.

It's the hornets.

That's terrific.
Thanks, Kraus.

I didn't do it for you.
They had the low bid.

Wonderful. Now we're
gonna have that rowdy
street g*ng in the mansion.

Clayton, they are not
a rowdy street g*ng.

Calvin has turned
that group into a successful
business operation.

Benson,
you are courting disaster.

The queen is going to be here
in three weeks.

You have entrusted a job that
is obviously for professionals
to these ruffians,

these thugs,
these hoodlums.

Can you fellas
think of anything else
he can call you?

I've always been fond
of Calvin.

You can call me mean
or seldom seen
or the paint machine,

but my friends call
me Mr. Klean.

This is going to be
a fiasco, Benson.
You mark my words.

Gentlemen.

Thank you.

Come on in, guys.
How's business?

Great. We're a major
employer now, Benson.

We got men
on this job.
Uh, .

Little John isn't here yet.

I'm gonna have to
talk with him.

Problems?
Just growing pains.

Excuse me, Benson,
Mr. John Wallace Tyler
is here to see you.

Who?
Little John.

Oh, send him in,
Denise.
Right this way.

Thank you, my dear.

Oh. Oh, isn't he cute?

Adorable.

Are you painting this office
or running for it?

(LAUGHS)

Well, well, well,
Mr. Budget director.

It's been a long time.
Yeah, yeah.

Little John,
you're looking sharp.
That's because I am sharp.

You were supposed to be
on the job at : sharp.

Calvin,
give me a break.

I had a breakfast meeting
with a potential client.

You should have
told me that yesterday.
Now, get downstairs,

get into your coveralls,
and bring up
the eight-foot ladder.

Yes, your worship.
Immediately.

(CHUCKLES) Mr. Dubois.

I think
I'll give him a hand.

Sorry about that, Benson.
Little John's having a bit
of an attitude problem.

Yeah, since birth.

Look, we're gonna start
in here. All we have to do
is the ceiling and the trim.

You're saying
I should get out?

Unless you want to
grab a paintbrush
and join the payroll.

No, thanks.

There's a lot more
job security in paint
than there is in politics.

Got a pair of coveralls
just your size.

You can't afford
such high-priced talent.

(CALCULATOR CLICKING)

Ah, did you take my pad?

Oh.

I know there are
a great many important issues
before you today.

But as you consider
these vital questions,

ask yourselves
what is important.

Silence is important.

You were making noise.

That wasn't me.
That was the calculator.

Can't you do those figures
in your head?

I've got seven pages
of five-digit numbers here.

I've got pages
of speech to memorize.

Well, if I don't balance
this budget, you can
memorize a farewell speech.

Okay, we'll both try to be
a little more quiet, okay?

Okay.

(CALCULATOR CLICKING)

As you consider
this vital issue,

ask yourselves what
is important.
(BUZZER)

Here they come,
homemade cookies!

Oh, Miss Kraus,
must you do that here?

Well, Governor,
this is the kitchen.

Where else am I
supposed to bake cookies?

Try the disease-control
center.

How is a person supposed
to get any work done
in this chaos?

Stay out of the kitchen.

Miss Kraus,
may I work at your desk?

No.

Fine, fine.
I'll just work at the table.

BOTH: No!

Good news. I got
a marching band to greet
the queen at the airport.

A marching band.
That's a terrific idea, Pete.

Well, it's not actually
a marching band.

It's the west river
senior citizens glockenspiel
and kazoo ensemble.

But they're, you know,
willing to march.

Those who can.

A kazoo ensemble
to greet the queen.

Well, congratulations,
Peter. (CHUCKLES)

You bring a new meaning
to the phrase "ugly American."

That was uncalled for,
Clayton!

Sir, I can handle this.

And don't worry.
I'm not gonna sink to his
level of childish behavior.

Hey, turkey breath!

I hate this constant
squabbling. What am I
gonna do with those two?

Well, they've got each other.
That's punishment enough.

Where do you think
you're going?
To lunch.

What's the big deal?
I'll tell you
what the big deal is.

You go to lunch early,
I'm docking you
one hour's wages.

With the money
I make on this job,
it's no big loss.

I'm going to lunch.
Could you guys discuss
lunch over lunch?

Sorry, Benson.
Governor.

Catch you later, Calvin.
Little John,
didn't you hear what I said?

Little John.

Everywhere you turn,
squabbling.

What's wrong with
the human race?

Sometimes I think the
entrance requirements
are too easy.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Come on in.

Excuse me, Benson.
I forgot the stepladder.

Oh, come on in
and get it, Calvin.

Have you worked out things
with Little John?

Not really. I haven't
seen him since lunch.

What's the problem,
anyway?
Money.

See, when we started
the hornets, we all agreed
to take a minimum wage

and plow the rest of the money
back into the company.

And he wants to plow more
back into his pocket.

You got it.

Well, if everybody agreed
to reinvest in the company,
I'd stick with that plan.

That's what
I plan on doing.

Calvin, I want to talk to you.

You guys are supposed
to be downstairs
painting the living room.

Not until
we settle something.

What is it now?

Well, I've spoken with
the rank and file,

and we've come
to the conclusion that

we should be getting
another two bucks an hour.

Don't let them
push you around, Calvin.

Look, we've been
over this before.

We just can't do it.

Sure you don't
want to reconsider?

Be firm.

Take it or leave it.

Is that your final answer?

Stay the course.

That's my final answer.

Well, in that case,
I officially notify you that
the hornets are on strike.

Damn, for a minute there,
I thought we had them.

Daddy, I don't understand.
Does royalty
have to marry royalty?

Well, it's not a law or
anything, Katie, but their
mothers prefer it that way.

Well, there's another dream
down the drain.

Calvin.

You all right?
What?

Oh, sorry, Governor.

I was just taking a break
before I went home.

Went home? It's almost
: in the morning.

Well, I guess I'm back.

Wow, you look zapped,
Calvin.
What?

Tired.

You must be, like,
totally bummed out.

I think it's gross
what those nerds did to you.

Well, no sweat, Katie.
I'm hanging in there.

Later.

Okay.

I'll bet the queen's gonna be
surprised at what's happened
to the king's English.

For sure.

What were you two
talking about just now?

Calvin's trying to paint
the mansion by himself.

All the hornets
went on strike.

On strike?

Oh, Katie,
what are we gonna do?

Daddy, I'm your daughter,
not a member of your cabinet.

Miss Kraus, have you heard
that the hornets
went on strike?

I know. What are we
going to do about this?

Miss Kraus, I'm the Governor.
I'm not the head of
household affairs.

This job is one headache
after another.

Good morning, Kraus.
And here comes headache
number two.

Benson, it's not working out
with Calvin.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear
that. What is it,
the age difference?

You know what I mean.

I need two coats of paint
before the queen arrives.

Don't you think
you'd better get your dents
pounded out first?

Look, Benson, the queen
will be here in three days.

Now, the painting
will never be done by then.

Now, this wasn't
an easy decision for me,

but I'm going to
have to fire Calvin.

Oh, that's brilliant,
Kraus. Fire the one
guy that's working.

Not to worry, Calvin,
my man. We'll get this
straightened out.

You tell him.
Tell me what?

Oh, well, I am just trying
to get this mansion painted.

It's perfectly simple.

I stand firmly behind Calvin.

He should fire those
malcontents and get on
with the job at hand.

Kraus thinks
we should fire Calvin.

Oh. Well, either way.

Benson,
you don't have to fire me.
I'll get the job done.

Wait a minute, Calvin.

You're never gonna finish
this job by yourself.

Maybe you should
come to terms
with Little John.

Look, Benson, the hornets
were not organized
to make Little John rich.

The whole idea behind
this company is to give
these kids a break.

Without the hornets,
most of them would be
on the streets.

I got news for you, Calvin.

Most of them are back out
on the streets, picketing.

If you don't get this thing
resolved.

I mean, there will be
no hornets to worry about.

What am I supposed to do,
cave in to these guys?

The hornets are a business.
Do what any business
would do.

Call all the parties together
and negotiate.

Well, I'll get ahold of
Little John and tell him.

Okay. All right.
Thanks, Benson.

Well? Did you fellows
work everything out?

Well, not yet, but we're
gonna have a meeting
and negotiate.

Oh, great.
I'm trying to get
the living room painted,

und you're trying to win
a nobel peace prize.

(SIGHS)

Denise, I'm gonna have
that meeting with hornets now.

And we're gonna need
some lunch,
so I'd appreciate it if...

(BUZZER)
Oh, excuse me, Benson.

Yes?

Yeah, I did try,
but no one was there.

Yeah, I'll try to put
the call through later.

Sorry.
You were saying, Benson?

Lunch, when everybody...
(BUZZER)

Yes?
Uh, there's no need
for that.

Benson's taking care of it
right now.

Who was that?
Little John.

He has some business
to take care of,
so he's using your phone.

Yeah, look, baby,
I'll pick you up around :,

we'll go out to dinner,
spend a couple hours
with you in my arms.

Little John, what
do you think you're doing?

Shh! Have a seat.
I'll be with you in a minute.

Little John just contracted
a case of lockjaw.

He'll call you later
from a pay phone.

Hey, I ain't having no meeting
with him sitting behind
the desk.

Well, you're not sitting
behind the desk.

Neither of you are sitting
behind the desk.

I'm sitting behind the desk.
It's my desk.

You two are sitting there.
Get out!

Did I Miss anything,
Little John?

What's he doing here?

You afraid
to take me on yourself?

Hey, I'm not afraid of you.

I'm not afraid of anybody.

Sit down.

But there are some people
I respect.

Sorry I'm late.
I was tied up.

Kraus, we are not interested
in your private life.

Put it in a sock.

Now, let's get started.

Now, there are a few things
that we can all agree upon.

One is that the queen
is coming in three days,

and we'll need to get
the mansion painted.

Number two, the hornets
are contracted for that job.

Number three, it would be
in the interests and benefit

of all concerned
that the job be completed.

And number four,
Calvin's walking all over
the rest of the hornets.

I don't think that's something
we're all going to agree on.

We'd be getting this job done
if you spent more time
painting

and less time mouthing off.

Hey, wait a minute, Calvin.
We're all behind Little John.
He's got a point.

All right, everybody's aired
their grievances.

It's been a very
productive meeting.

Now let's get in there
and paint that living room!

Thank you, Norma Rae.

We're not painting anything
until Calvin listens
to reason.

Little John, you're forgetting
who's the boss
of this operation.

Oh, right now,
you're the boss of nothing.

This isn't negotiation.
This is arguing.
I'm leaving.

No one is leaving this room
until I say so.

Ja, you leave,
it'll be over my dead body.

Ready, set, go!

(KNOCK ON THE DOOR)
Come on, guys,
it's getting late.

Did you make a decision?

You can come in now.

Get out of my chair.

We've come up with a proposal,
which I am now prepared
to put on the table.

It better be good.

It's good,
and it's fair.

We're prepared to resume
painting the mansion,

if you're prepared to give us
the extra $ an hour
we asked for.

That's not a proposal.
That's what we started with.

Benson, Benson,
take it easy.

Let me handle this.

Okay, you bozos,
just what do you think
you're doing?

They're not interested
in settling anything.
He's just on an ego trip.

Hey, wait a minute.

You're the one who thinks
he runs everything.

Well, tell me, little John,
who started the hornets?

You started
the street g*ng.

My salesmanship turned it
into a reputable company.

Hey, wait a minute,
Little John. We were
all a part of that.

Whose side are
you on, anyway?

Uh, guys, I'm beginning
to see the problem here.

Yeah, you can't
trust Mr. Klean.

Little John, would you put
your mouth in park
for a minute?

See, Benson?
It's an ego problem.

I agree. Both of you
have ego problems.

I heard that.
I don't have
an ego problem.

I'm too cool for that.

Trust me on this, Little John.
You have an ego problem.

Look, I'm willing to admit
my ego is involved here.

I built this organization.

And I'm not gonna let
some punk kid
come in and destroy it.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Maybe the problem here
is the way you're
seeing things.

Now, maybe he was a little
punk kid when he came
into the organization,

but he certainly
isn't anymore.

Yeah, I'm a wonderful
human being.

A little hard to take,
but certainly not a punk kid.

Look, Calvin, we've been
making the same money
for the last three years.

We deserve a raise, man.

Look, if I give you guys
more money,

I can't bring any new kids
into the organization.

Come on, Calvin,
give us a break.

That's what he's
trying to tell you.

He already gave you a break,
and you made it pay off.

What do you mean?

How did I meet you?

I ripped off
your briefcase.

Exactly, and now
you're carrying one.

That's right,
I'm on my way up the ladder.

I wish you'd move
up that ladder
with a can of paint.

Little John,
you owe the hornets.

I know that.

Then why are you trying
to put them out of business?

I'm not. I'm just trying
to do something, be somebody.

I can dig it.

Little John, you already
are somebody. All the hornets
look up to you.

You're a born leader.

Thank you.
But now the way for you
to lead is by example.

The hornets gave you a break.
Now it's time for you
to go out there and succeed.

Is that what
you want, Calvin?

You want me to leave?

If you think
you're ready.

You can make it.

I know that.

But before you
guys move on,

you and Calvin talk to the
other guys and finish
painting the mansion.

We can do that.

Solid.

All right,
let's do it, okay?
All right.

Thanks, Benson.
Anytime.

Well, Benson,

it took you long enough,
but you finally solved
the problem.

Yeah. I couldn't have
done it without you, Kraus.

I certainly would like
to have tried.

Well, what do you
say we turn in?

Not tonight, Kraus.
I have a headache.

Well, something has
to be done. Her Majesty's
arrival is imminent.

The place is crawling
with painters.

We're gonna be
the laughing stock
of the colonies.

Clayton, haven't you
forgotten something?
What?

The American Revolution.

The hornets are doing
nothing but fooling around.
The place is a shambles.

I talked to Calvin
an hour ago. He said
everything was under control.

Under control.
You call this under control?

When the gig is through,
and the room's like new

and we're sitting
with the queen.

Say the work she sees
was made to please by
the one and only Mr. Klean.

ALL: Get down, get down
get down, get down.

Get down, get down
get down, get down.

Now, hold the phone
you don't work alone,

the hornets are a team.

So grab a brush,
we're in a rush,
we got to split this scene.

Get down, get down
get down, get down.

I am not fond of this.

Fine, next time
we'll get Guy Lombardo
to paint the mansion.

If they would paint
instead of playing,
they'd be gone by now.

Hey, it's not our aim
to play a game
you got the hornets wrong.

Yeah, we have
a whole lot of fun.
But we get the job done.

ALL: We just do
it with a song.

Get down, get down
get down, get down.

Ooh, ooh.
Get down, get down
get down, get down.

She's here! She's here!

The motorcade
just reached the gate!

Oh, my goodness.
All right, let's form
the receiving line here.

Come on now.
Come on, hurry along.

Ladies, remember to curtsy
with your backs erect.

The proper form
of address is "mum."

All right, this is good.
What?

You're not supposed to be
in this line!

Why not?
He has less than items.

Get out of here.
Okay, okay.

Can't take a joke.
Not that way,
you nitwit!

Oh!

Now I've got paint
on my hand!

Wipe it off with
your handkerchief.

Oh, yes, yes, I...

I got paint on my suit!

You've also got some
on your nose.
What? Where?

Ladies and gentlemen,
Her Majesty.

Oh, this is terrible.

Oh, excuse me,
your royal heinie.

Oh, my! Oh, my!

What are we
gonna do now?

Well, I don't know about you,
but I'm not kissing
her hand.

It's a very simple recipe.

Two eggs, one cup sugar.
Oh...

What am I doing?
Of course you can
read English.

You see, I never let
my original recipes
out of my kitchen,

but you could copy
it if you like.

Kraus, can I see you
for a moment, please?

Ah, sure.

Excuse me, please.

Ya?

Are you aware that
her security people
are looking all over for her?

Sorry, Benson,
we were just having
a little chat.

It seems the Queen
and I have quite
a lot in common.

What could you possibly
have in common with
the Queen of England?

Well, she may be a queen,
Benson, but underneath it
all she's still a woman.

Like I said,
what on earth could you
possibly have in common

with the Queen of England?