04x17 - Family Tree

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, Kraus.

Oh, Benson.
I'm glad you're here.

Do you think
I should change my hair?

I don't know.
Will they take it back?

I am thinking of getting
a feather cut.

Don't get too many cut, now.

You won't be able
to fly at night.

Oh, why do I even bother
discussing things with you?

I don't know.
I try to discourage it.

Oh, I almost forgot.

This telegram
came for you.
Thank you.

Aren't you going
to open it?

I'll open it as soon
as I get back to my office.

Well, what if it's urgent?

What if it's private?

Oh, Benson.
Did you get your telegram?

Yes, sir, thank you.

So, what's the bad news?

Who knows?
He won't open it.

I said I'll open it
when I get to the office.

Oh, I don't know, Benson.

I'm not sure you should
be alone when you open it.

I remember one telegram,
it gave Mr. Dennehy
a heart att*ck!

Did I ever tell you
that story?

All right, I'll open it.

Who's Mr. Dennehy?

Kraus, I said I'll open it.

He lived next door
when I was a boy,

and he was always
entering contests.

Why didn't I just open it?

And one day,
the Western Union man arrived,

and it was a telegram,

and Mr. Dennehy
had finally won something.

It was a lifetime supply
of corned beef hash.

What? The excitement gave him
a heart att*ck?

No, lifting cases
of corned beef hash

gave him the heart att*ck.

I don't believe it.

Well, maybe it was only
cases.

I don't know.
It's been a long time.

No.

This says that I may be
receiving an inheritance.

Oh, I hope it
isn't corned beef hash.

It doesn't say what it is.

But this law firm in Toronto
needs proof

that I'm related
to the deceased.

Oh, I didn't know
you had relatives in Canada.

Well, anything's possible,

you know,
the way people, well...

See, but I can only trace
my family back
to my grandparents,

and in order to prove that
I'm related to the deceased,

I have to go back
further than that.

Maybe you should contact
a genealogist

and have them trace
your whole family tree.

That's a good idea.

There's a Professor Petrie
here at the university

who's an expert in the field.

Maybe I'll give him
a call.

I wonder what he would charge

to find out
where my ancestors
come from.

Well, whatever it is,

I'm sure it's double
for looking under rocks.

Professor Petrie?
Hmm?

Benson DuBois.

Oh, yes,
of the Philadelphia DuBois.

Pleased to meet you.
Thank you.

Actually, it's Baltimore,
not Philadelphia.

Actually, it's both.

Your family moved to Baltimore
from Philadelphia.

With the information
you gave me on the phone,

that's about all
I could uproot.

A little
genealogy humor there.

Well, that's already more than
my mother ever told me.

Oh well, it's only
the beginning.

Most people tracing
their family trees

discover they have roots
in countless countries.

Well, in this case, the only
country that counts is Canada.

Ah, yes, the inheritance.

I'm not doing this
just for the money.

Well, neither am I.
I love my work.

But you should know
that my fee is $ an hour.

$ an hour?
How long will this take?

How far
do you want to go back?
A couple hours.

Uh, Benson,
have you got a minute?

Come on in, Clayton.
This is Professor
Roger Petrie.

Ah, ha, ha, the genealogist.

Professor,
this is an honor.

I've read your book,
Everyone's Relative.

I noticed the name Endicott
cropped up several times.

Yes, it's
a fairly common name.

(CHUCKLES)
Not common at all.

The Endicotts are descended
from royalty.

Yeah, he was
a royal something or other.

I'm sure you've run across

Prince Maurice Claude
of Normandy.

No.

But if he does, you want him
to give him a message?

Benson, I happen
to be descended

from Prince Maurice
Claude of Normandy.

I have the papers
to document it.

Hmm. Clayton, did you come
in here for a reason?

Yes I did,
I need the budget reports

so I can compute
the index figures.

You're sitting on it.

Oh.

Go forth and multiply.

A little
genealogy humor there.

Hey, Pete, what you doing?

Oh, hiya, Benson.

This genealogy stuff
got me thinking.

I figure I must have at least
one deceased relative
worth a few bucks.

The problem is
I'm not getting very far.

What, your family never kept
written records?

No, my mother
won't return my calls.

Oh, Benson. This just arrived
by messenger.

It's from Professor Petrie.

This could be it,
huh, buddy?

Whoo-hoo!
Instant millionaire time.

All you need are
the right names
on the right headstones,

and bingo.

Son of a g*n!

What is it, Benson?

It says I'm entitled
to the inheritance.

BOTH: Ohh!

What's the celebration?

Benson's going to get
the inheritance!

Well, congratulations, Benson.
You should be very happy.

Thank you, I am.

I'm sure the Internal Revenue
Service will be thrilled.

Oh Benson, there's a note here
from Professor Petrie.

He wants to know if you want
a copy of your family crest.

Family crest?

Yes, apparently
you're descended
from royalty.

(CHUCKLES) Please.

Yeah, it's a th century
prince of Normandy.

Yeah,
that is impossible.

The only prince of Normandy

was my ancestor,
Maurice Claude.

That's the one.

That's the one who...

That's the one who it is.

Prince Maurice Claude
of Normandy!

Well, wait a minute.
Doesn't that mean that, uh...

Benson and Clayton
are related to each other.

Benson, this is ridiculous.

How could you and I
possibly be related?

Clayton, I'm surprised I have
to explain this to you.

Birds do it, bees do it...

Yes, yes, I know!

And apparently
Prince Maurice Claude did it.

Let me see this.

So this Emma Renard...

Yes, was my
great-great-great-great-
great-great grandmother.

(CHUCKLES)
There's your mistake, Benson.

My great-great-great-great-
great-great grandmother

was married
to Maurice Claude.

Aha! That is
your mistake, Clayton.

If you had bothered to read
the footnote,

you would have discovered

that Prince Maurice Claude
never married.

That means that your
great-great-great-
great-great...

Great.
Thank you.

...Grandfather,

and my great-great-
great-great-great-great

great-great
grandfather were...

(GROANING)

Go on, say it.

Ha-a-a...

Half-brothers.

(MUMBLES)

I feel faint.

I feel an exhilarating sense
of kinship.

Benson, don't you realize
the problems this creates?

Yeah, bro.

We are not related!

I am your cousin!

I am not your cousin.

Take it easy, blood!

Aah!

So Benson, I guess
this is goodbye.

Why? Did you put something
in the coffee?

This is the day you find out
about your inheritance.

I figured you'd quit your job.

Well, you figured wrong.

Well, what good
is all that money?

Does it bother you
that I'm getting it?

A little.

There's your answer.

Oh, Benson. I'm glad
you're here.

Hey Pete, what can
I do for you?

You get that inheritance
today, right?

Right.
Good.

Can I borrow $,?

$,?

Okay, .

What do you want with $?

I don't. I want ,.

But you're only going
to give me .

I'm not giving you any $.

What do you need $, for?

Well then, I wouldn't have to
worry about money for a while.

Pete. Leave me alone.

Come on, Benson.
What's $, to you?

What's $, to me?

Fifty 's, ten 's

, 's.

's.

, quarters.
Hey!

Don't get so touchy!

Who knew your
newfound wealth would go
right to your head?

Well at least I got a head
it can go to.

Hey, Benson.
You have a minute?

Sure, sweetheart.
What's up?

Well, as one of
the many young people striving

to help our orchestra reach
its full potential...

What are you selling?

Magazines.

Okay, I'll take
a subscription.

Well, there are
to choose from.

Well, leave the brochure,
and I'll pick one.

Couldn't you just buy all ?

Oh, Katie.
That's expensive.

Yeah, but you're going
to be rich, Benson.

Well, I don't know how much
the inheritance is,

but if it's a lot of money,

then I'll be too busy
spending it to
read magazines.

So basically what
you're saying is,
"Don't press my luck?"

Well, I'm saying
a little bit more than that,

but that will do.

Okay, fine.
See you later.

How'd you do?
One.

He only bought
one magazine from you?

That's okay, Daddy.

You can lend him the other

when you're finished
reading them.

Well, Benson, you heard
from your lawyer yet?

Oh, not yet, sir.

I guess you're pretty anxious

to find out the amount
of the inheritance, huh?

A little,
but I'm more concerned

with the change
it may make in my life.

Ohh, I don't know, Benson.

You're a pretty
level-headed guy.

I don't think money
will make any difference

in the kind of person
you are.

Maybe not,
but it's already changing

the way people act around me.

Aha, well,
that's another story.

Story?

Well, you know,
another problem.

Oh, I thought maybe you were
going to tell a story.

Oh, no,
I hadn't planned to.

Why? Would you
have minded if I had?

Oh, no.
I like your stories.

You just don't want
to hear one right now, huh?

Well, not really.
I see.

Oh, well, Governor,
don't go away mad.

Oh, I'm not mad, Benson.

I'm a little disappointed,
I guess.

Governor...

You always used to listen
to my stories

before you came into money.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

You busy?

I am never too busy
for family.

Well, thank you.

I thought I'd just drop by
to discuss our inheritance.

Did you say,
"our inheritance?"

You know, I'm really torn
over this matter, Benson.

On the one hand,

the idea of being
related to you
makes my skin crawl.

Mine does, too.
It must be in our genes.

On the other hand,
if we are related,

then I am obviously entitled
to a share of the inheritance.

Well, now, see,
I don't see it that way.

That must be from my mother's
side of the family.

Laugh it up, cousin.

But I intend to have
my piece of the pie.

Excuse me, Benson.
Professor Petrie is here.
Send him in, Denise.

Thank you. I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

No, we were just having
a family spat.

Oh?

Actually, Professor, you can
help me explain to Benson

that since we share
the same lineage,

I have as much claim to the
Canadian inheritance
as he does.

As far as I know,
there's only one person
named in the will,

and that's Benson DuBois.

A will can be contested.

Part of that money
is rightfully mine.

This is extraordinary!

No, believe me,
this is typical Clayton.

No, no, no, no.

I mean that you're fighting
over the inheritance.

It's amazing how history
repeats itself.

It's amazing how Clayton
repeats himself.

What are you talking about,
professor?

Well, I've dug a little deeper
into your past,

and it seems that
your two families

have been feuding
for over years.

You hear that, Clayton?
You come from a long line
of troublemakers.

It is far more likely

that your family
were the troublemakers.

No, no, no, no.
I have the answer to that.

You see, there's always
been a dispute

over the family fortune.

In fact, years ago,

a duel was supposed
to settle the matter,

but your great-great-
great-great-great-great-great
grandfather didn't show up,

and your great-great-great-
great-great-great-great
grandfather inherited.

Great, then that settles it.

The money belongs
to my side of the family.

Uh, not necessarily.
You see, the Endicotts

have reissued
the challenge periodically,

the last time being in ,

and the DuBois
have accepted.

But somehow the duel
was never fought.

Probably because the Endicotts
kept chickening out.

An Endicott
never backs down.

You were probably
conveniently out of town.

Are you hinting
at cowardice?

I'm stating it flat-out.

That does it!

You have sullied
the name of Endicott!

Professor Petrie,
you are a witness.

I hereby reissue
the challenge!

In lieu of a gauntlet,
I throw down this steno pad!

Ow!

What does this mean,
ball points at dawn?

Excuse me, but, uh...

Dueling is illegal
in this country.

Yeah, so is double-parking,
but people still do it.

Well, Benson, do you accept
the challenge

or is the inheritance
mine by default?

Oh, Clayton, I don't want
to have to duel with you.

(LAUGHING)
Now who's a chicken?

All right,
I take up the steno pad!

Ow.

Then it's agreed.
At dawn, we cross swords.

Cold steel shall settle
this matter.

I have to make a note.
"Buy sword."

I hate to interrupt,

but according to the rules
of chivalry,

the challenged has
the choice of weapons.

All right, Benson.

What will it be? Pistols,
sabers, fisticuffs?

I choose lips.

Uh, did you say, "lips?"

What are you
talking about?

A battle of wits.

A battle of wits?

What we used to call
playing the dozens.

An insult contest.

Thank you, Professor.
You're welcome.

Do you mean to say

that you would dare meet at
dawn to trade insults with me?

To the death.

I'll see you at dawn.

(BELL DINGS)
(CLEARS THROAT)

Now gentlemen, are you sure

that you want to go through
with this?

It's not too late
to call it off.

It's years too late.

Hear, hear.

Well, all right.

I didn't know exactly
what rules to use,

so I just kind of made them up
as I went along.

Now, your seconds
have prepared slips of paper

with topics on them.

If you will, please.

Thank you.

Now, at the beginning
of each round,

I will pick a topic
from the hat,

and you'll have seconds
to score.

I will be the sole judge

of whether your insult
hits the mark,

and my decision
will be final.

Agreed?
BOTH: Agreed.

Okay, now I'll toss a coin
to see who starts first.

No, no...

Benson chose the weapons.
Clayton should start.

Hey, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

It's all right, kid.

Okay.

All right, gentlemen.

Protect yourselves
at all times,

shake hands,
and come out fighting.

To your corners.

I don't believe I got up
early for this.

Oh, I think dueling
is kind of romantic.

Yeah, about as romantic
as a food fight.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

First topic, intelligence.
Clayton.

KRAUS: Come on, Clayton.

Benson, if brains
were dynamite,

you wouldn't have enough
to blow your nose.

Go. Go get him.

Clayton, your brain
is so small

that you could put it
in a Barbie doll's navel

and still have room left over
for three Raisinettes

and a list of your
important accomplishments.

(BELL DINGS)

Time's up.
Round to Benson.

Yeah!

All right, all right,
all right.

Yeah, all right, okay.

You got him on the run.
You want to stay away
from the long insults.

Hit him with
the short, quick ones.

He is mine.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Second topic, clothing.
Benson.

Keep wearing
those suits, Clayton.

They're bound to come back
in style.

PETE: Get him, get him!

Benson's clothes
are hand-me-downs

from the Lee family.

Cheap-ly, crude-ly,
and ug-ly.

Oh, yeah? Well...

Come on.

I... I... Uh...

What are you doing?
(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Three-second violation.
Round to Clayton.

Yeah!

What a dumb topic.

All right.
Way to go, Clayton.

It's a good thing you know
where he got his clothes.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Third topic, noses.

Aha.

Clayton, if you want
to forgo this topic,

I can well understand.

I know how sensitive
your nose is to you.

On the contrary, Benson,

the Endicott family is
quite proud of this nose.

Oh, really?
The whole family?

What do you do,
pass it around or
stand under it for shade?

If it were my nose,

I'd have it converted
to a condominium!

(BELL DINGS)

Time's up!
Round to Benson.

That's not fair!
He tricked me!

Clayton didn't even know
the round had started!

You were told to protect
yourself at all times.

It's all right, Miss Kraus.
It's all right, Miss Kraus.

You got to watch
yourself, Clayton.

You walked
right into that one.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Fourth topic,
general appearance.

(BELL DINGS)

When I was a kid,
our family had a dog.

It looked just like Benson.

Oh, yeah?

Well, we couldn't
afford a dog,

but we had a rat,
and guess what?

I don't look like a rat!

Yes, you do!
No, I don't!

You do!
I don't!

Do, do!
Don't!

Do, do, do, do
do, do, do, do, do!
Don't, don't, don't!

Break clean, to your corners.

They say that beauty
is only skin deep,

but I bet even your bones
are ugly!

Well, Clayton, you want
to know how ugly you are?

If you were a woman,
Kraus would b*at you
out for Miss America!

What?

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Cheap sh*t!

What?
First warning!

All right, play ball...
Uh, start your Eng...

Well, whatever you guys do,
go ahead.

Sir, I should have won
that round!

(GASPING)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Okay, th and final topic.

Clayton, we don't have
to go on with this.

Let's call it off.

Ja, Clayton.
Let me throw in the towel.

No, I'm all right.
I can finish. I'm all right!

It'd be a lot easier
if you just put him away.

I'll say one thing, though.
He can really take an insult.

Yeah, well, the guy's had
a lot of practice.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Okay, final topic,
here we go.

Freestyle humiliation.

(BELL DINGS)
Humiliation,
humiliation. Ah!

You know why Benson is like
a boiled potato?

They're both
without a skin.

Huh?
What?

Appeal. Without appeal.
That counts, doesn't it?

Come on.
Finish him, finish him!

Oh, I don't think
I can look.

If they measured Clayton's IQ
with a thermometer,

he'd register
degrees below zero!

Oh, yeah?

Heard of mean little kids
that tear wings off flies?

When Clayton was little,
he tore wings off robins!

Not true, not true!

I stepped
on a few caterpillars.

Oh, barf me out.

When Clayton was years old,

his mother dressed him
as a fire hydrant

and left him on the street,

but even the dogs
ignored him.

No! No, no, no.

That was my father.

Clayton played football
in high school.

He was a throwback.

I don't know much
about his home life,

but every father's day,
Clayton leaves a card
at the kennel!

Ooh!
Uhh!

In his college yearbook,

Clayton was voted most likely
to marry for money.

The other day I caught him
going all the way

with an instant teller!

That's it! That's it!

Where am I? Where am I?

It's all right, kid.

You put up a valiant fight,
but you were no match for me.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

It's okay, it's okay.
It's just the phone.

Hello?

Well, you won
the duel, Benson.

The inheritance is all yours.

It's for you, champ.
Long distance, Toronto.

Thank you, Kraus.

Hello?
Yes, this is Benson DuBois.

Okay, well, I'll expect
the letter later.

Goodbye.

So, you
got the inheritance?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, what's the matter?
I mean, you should be happy.

You got the inheritance,
you won the duel.

Aw, well,
I don't know, Governor.

I keep thinking.

Yeah, sure, I'm champ now,
but for how long?

Sometime, maybe not today,
maybe not tomorrow,

but sometime, somewhere,
some smart-mouth punk kid

is going to come into town
and try to take me down, huh?

I got to spend the rest of my
life looking over my shoulder.

What kind of life is that?

Well, I better hit
the showers.

Thanks, kid.

You know, Benson, I still
can't get over

the fact that you und Clayton
are related.

Well, Kraus, if you go back
far enough,

everybody's related.

What a lovely thought.

One huge family tree for the
entire human race.

You know, Kraus,
I think you just wrote
a Neil Diamond song.

So Benson, how big
was your inheritance?

Life-size.

No, I mean how much?

About , pounds.

Oh, wow. You mean like
English money pounds?

No, Kraus.

I inherited a statue of
Prince Maurice Claude sitting
astride a horse.

So when do you get it?

I don't.

It's in a park
outside Toronto.

It was donated in my name,
and if I ever work in Canada,

I'll get a tax deduction.

So, in other words,
you got zip.

Well, not exactly.

I now have the respect,
admiration, and gratitude

of thousands of
Canadian pigeons.