04x20 - Half-Court Trap

[bunniefuu]

Hey, good morning, Kraus.

Good morning, Benson.

Oh, Benson,
I'm glad you're here.

I need your
opinion on something.

What's up?

Well, Arnold is giving me
an early birthday present.

Oh, that's nice.

What's he buying you?

Europe.

No kidding. Where are
you going to put it?

Oh, no, no. I mean, he is
giving me a trip to Europe,

and we can't
decide where to go.

What are your choices?

Well, I want to go
to Switzerland,

and Arnold thinks he'd
be happier on the Riviera.

Well, he will be
if you're in Switzerland.

Ah!

Good morning, Gretchen.
Good morning, Benson.

Good morning.
What a wonderful
way to start the day.

Hey, you were
really serious

about this
jogging, weren't you?

Sure, I even
talked Pete into it.

Pete?

What Pete?
(DENISE CHUCKLES)

Boy, that last
mile was a k*ller.

Pete, we only ran
one mile.

What?

That's the longest
mile I ever ran.

It's the only mile
you've ever run.

I'm gonna get myself
something to eat.

Good morning, all.

Ah, Peter, a new suit.

Benson, I've been looking
for you. I have a message.

Your nephew will be
arriving on a later flight,

but he said, and
I quote, "No sweat,

"Harlington is making
the grab in the hog limo,

"and sh**ting me
over pronto."

What language is that?

Baltimore.

Thank you, Clayton.
You did that very nicely.

That's a fact, Jack.

Now, I got to split.
Catch you on the rebound.

What language is that?

Preppy jive.

Benson, how long
has it been since
you've seen your nephew?

Oh, well,
we haven't really spent
any time together

since he was a little boy.

Aw.
He's a basketball
player, isn't he?

Yeah, he's the star

of the Mount Carol
University Cougars.

So, Benson, how long will
your nephew be staying here?

I don't know.
Until the next school year.

He's got some
sort of summer job.

Boy, he sounds like
a talented young man.

Yes, he is.
He's very talented.

Very good-looking, too.

Of course, that
runs in the family.

Really? (CHUCKLES)

It sure isn't
running rampant.

Kraus, why don't you
start your vacation
to Europe today?

I'd love to.
Oh, I love vacations.

I remember when
I was a little girl,

my parents
used to take me

to the Black Forest
every summer.

Yeah. But, apparently,
it didn't do any good.

You kept
finding your way back.

Benson, someone's
looking for you.

Oh, Tommy, come on in.

Hey.
How you doing, Uncle Benny?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

How are you?

"Uncle Benny"? (SNORTS)

Uh, Tommy, while you're
here at the mansion,

call me "Uncle Benson," okay?
Right.

I see you've met Kraus.
Oh, sure.

We've been talking
basketball. (CHUCKLES)

It's boring.

Governor, this is my
nephew, Tommy Caulfield.

Tommy, Governor Gatling.

I'm very glad
to know you, Tommy.

Pleased to
meet you, Governor.

I heard some pretty
good things about you.

Oh, I've heard nice
things about you.

Benson tells me
you are one heck
of a basketball player.

And the captain, too.

Oh, more basketball.

I think this is
where I came in.

Nice meeting you, Tommy.

Same here, Miss Kraus.

I used to play
basketball in the Navy.

I wasn't the captain.
I was just an ensign.

What did you play?

Post up, off-guard,
small forward, what?

No, just basketball.

We didn't have
those other games.

I'll explain it to you later.

I had one heck of
a two-hand set sh*t.

What's your favorite sh*t?

Actually, my favorite
is a -degree cradle jam,

or a simple gorilla dunk
down the center of the lane.

That way, they
can't hijack the ball,

even if they post up low.

I'll explain it
to you later.

Well, I'm sure you two
have plenty to talk about.

It's good to have
met you, Tommy. Bye.
Same here.

Have a seat, Tommy.

Hey, Uncle Benson,
I really appreciate

you letting me stay
with you this summer.

Oh, think nothing of it.
How's your mom and pop?

Oh, Pop's okay, working
hard in his store.

You know,
shoes are his life.
(LAUGHS)

And with Cynthia married
and me away at school,

Mom's talking
about a career,
interior decorating.

Yeah, but look at you.
Mr. Basketball.

Your father thinks you're
gonna be another Dr. J.

Hey, fathers
don't lie, do they?

(LAUGHS)

It won't be long before
you see me in the pros,

raking in the big bucks.

Well, good, maybe then I can
get a good seat for a change.

Well, if you ever
need good seats,

see my friend,
Mr. Harlington.

Who is that?
Allen Harlington.

Harlington Industries.

He's on
the alumni committee.

That's who I'm working for
this summer.

You know, they look
out for us ballplayers.

Well, what do you mean?

Well, they see you
get spending money
when you need it,

take you out to dinner, help
you meet the right people...

You know, look out for you.

Oh, I see.

Oh, well, it's great
to see you doing so well.

You want to get some grub?

Are grits groceries?

(BENSON LAUGHS)

Oh, by the way,
there's a piece on you

in the sports
section this morning.

In here?
Yeah!

That is you, isn't it?
Tommy Caulfield, The Blade?

Oh, yeah!

Okay. Well, bring
it along with you.

You can read it in the car.

Nah, that's okay.
I'll read it later.
Let's go eat.

Are you gonna take
the basketball with you?

I go everywhere
with this basketball.

I eat with it.
I sleep with it.

I do everything with it.

Ah, yes,
the perfect companion...

It's always glad to see you,
and it doesn't
mind if you dribble.

Ah, well, Sid, I see
you're back again today.

Yeah, thought I'd come back
and give it another try.

I'm almost finished here.

I don't know whether
this cable system
is worth all this trouble.

Oh, yes, it is.

Cable is gonna revolutionize
the television industry.

Yeah, it's gonna
bring back radio.

There. Let's see
if that'll do it.

(TV TURNS ON)

(STATIC HUMMING)

(TV TURNS OFF)
Well, at least it has
a nice, peaceful hum to it.

So, I'm paying $.
a month for a kazoo.

I'm sorry
about that, Benson.

I'm gonna have to pick
you up another part.

Well, that's okay.
I'll probably be busy

with my nephew for
the next few days anyway.

Oh, that reminds me.
He left a note for you
on your desk.

Oh, he must be out somewhere,
trying to hustle up a game.

All he thinks
about is basketball.

Yeah. I was the same
way when I was his age.

Oh, yeah?
Another basketball player.

Yeah... Pretty good, too.

Oh, we were all pretty good
on the playground, Sid.

No, I played in college.
I made All-American.

A small college.

Must have been
a mighty small college.

I'll show you my
scrapbook sometime.

Okay. I can read it
while I'm waiting

for the television
revolution to be completed.

I'll give you a call
when I get that part, okay?

All right, Sid.

Night.
Night-night.

(WHISTLING)

What in the world is this?

(BENSON READING)

Whoa!

Hey, Uncle Benson.

Oh, I see you
got my note, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

You're putting me on, huh?

What do you mean?

This note.

Oh, you mean
my handwriting...

Pretty bad, isn't it?

I always did
write like a chicken.

Yeah, and now you're
beginning to spell like one.

That's a good one.

Yeah. I thought
your mother said

you were
doing well in school?

I am.

Well, what was your
average last year?

points a game.

Oh! Now I'm beginning
to see the problem.

What problem?

You've forgotten
why you're in school.

I'm there to win games
and get to the pros.

(CHUCKLES) Well, I don't see
how you're gonna do either

if you flunk
out of school.

What are you talking about?
I'm a "B" student.

Well, with spelling
like this, Tommy,

how do you swing that?

I get by.

Well, how's your reading?

I can read.
What is this, anyway?

Here. Read this
article on you.

I already read it.

Read it to me.

Come on, Uncle Benson.

I said, "Read."

"Tommy 'The Blade'
Caulfield."

There.
Go on, go on.

Keep going, keep going.

"Tommy 'The Blade'
Caulfield...

"...is...

"...a...

"Phe...

"...nem-on-on."

Phenomenon.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, phenomenon.

"And a...

"...very-table..."

Veritable.

"...genius.

"His...

"...pro...

"Pro..."

Proficiency.

There.

You satisfied?

Well, Frances, sweetheart,
I don't see how
you could not know.

I don't care
what his grades are.

I'm telling you,
Tommy can barely
read or write.

No, I don't think
sending him home

is the best way
to handle it.

I don't know yet.

Why don't you
give me some time

and let me see
what I can do?

Okay, babe. Take care.

Oh, my best to Ted, okay?

Bye-bye.

Tommy?

TOMMY: Yeah?

Can you come down
here for a minute?

Well, where are you going?

Oh, Mr. Harlington's
taking me

to the Athletic Club
for dinner.

Oh, good.
Then you'll have somebody

to read the menu to you.

(CHUCKLES) Can't you
understand, Uncle Benson?

I'm gonna be rich.
I'm gonna be a star.

I'm gonna be a fat cat.

A fathead is more like it.

My old man went
to college, didn't he?

What does he make...
$, a year?

I'm gonna make
more than that

just for signing
my name to a contract.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Good evening.
I'm Allen Harlington.

Good evening.
I'm Benson DuBois,

Tommy's uncle. Come in.

How you doing,
Mr. Harlington?

Let me grab a tie.
I'll be with you
in a minute.

All right.
Can I get you
a drink or something?

Oh, any juice at all will
be just fine, thank you.

Okay. Have a seat.

(SIGHS) Thank you.

How about that
nephew of yours?

One heck of
a basketball player, huh?

Well, that's what I hear.

Oh, he's terrific.

That boy's gonna put
Mount Carol University

back on the map
where it belongs.

Did you know that Tommy

is having a problem
with reading and writing?

Well, it can't be
that big of a problem.

After all,
he is in college.

True, but he can barely read

a simple paragraph
from the newspaper.

So, well, maybe he's
a little awkward.

We can't all be Einsteins.

That's true, but I was
hoping for something

a little more
than See Spot Run.

Believe me,

we all are concerned
about Tommy's future,

and we have his best
interests at heart.

I don't believe you.

I think all you guys
are interested in

is Mount Carol University's
basketball program.

No, that's not all
we're interested in.

It's true, a winning
basketball team

can pay the tab
for Mount Carol,

but even beyond that,

it brings
national recognition,

and when you say
"Mount Carol,"

people know what
you're talking about.

And that's a good feeling.

And that's important to you?

Sure, it is!

I'm proud that I attended
Mount Carol University,

and I want to see it
get the credit it deserves.

Even at the expense
of kids like Tommy?

Oh, wait a minute,
Uncle Benson.

Mr. Harlington's my friend.

He's even gonna help me
get an agent when I turn pro.

Yeah, but, Tommy,

only about one in
a thousand makes the pros.

What are you gonna do
if you don't make it?

Mr. DuBois, don't you
have any confidence

in your own nephew?

Of course I have
confidence in him.

It's just that I don't
want to see him

give up on the one thing
he can count on. His mind.

Please, can we talk
about this later on?

Tommy,
they're just using you.
Can't you see that?

Mr. DuBois,
everybody gets used.

Damn few make
a million dollars for it.

Let's go, Tommy.
I don't want to be late.

You really
embarrassed me,
Uncle Benson.

Now, I'm years old.
I know that.

But it's my life.

And I can handle it, okay?

(DOOR CLOSES)

I don't understand, Benson.

You mean nobody knew

that your nephew
couldn't read or write?

Oh, I think
they knew, Governor.

They just
passed him anyway.

Oh, I can hardly believe
anybody would do that.

Well, in order to promote
their athletic program,

some schools are
willing to overlook

a student's lack
of academic skills.

Well, we're not talking
about physics
and calculus, Clayton,

we're talking about
reading and writing.

What it boils down to
is that this school

is using
the student athletes
to line its pockets.

Why don't you
tell Tommy that?

Oh, he won't listen.

Especially when
he's got a millionaire

telling him
he's got it made.

Well, sometimes
talking just won't do it,

you have to show him...

Always worked for me.

I remember
when I was a kid,
I always wanted a dog.

Governor,
you're not going...

All the other kids
had dogs...

He is!

So, I was about , I guess.

I won! I won!

KRAUS: You cheated!
You cheated!

What are you talking about?

We saw you jump on the bus.

Oh, no, I just wanted
to sit down for a minute.

I didn't know
it was gonna move.

Running is a lot
of fun, Daddy,

you should come
with us next time.

We're gonna jog
every morning.

Well, I could certainly
use the exercise,

but running's so boring.

How about basketball?
You said you played
in the Navy.

That's a pretty
good idea, Pete!

We should get up a game.
What about you, Clayton?

Absolutely.

An Endicott never shies
away from competition.

So, what do
you say, Benson?

Basketball? No, siree.

I've had it
with that subject.

Oh, that's right!

That's why I was gonna
tell you that story!

Get ready.

Now, let's see. Where was I?
Get set.

Oh, yeah!
Go!

Wait! Wait!

Boy, they are in
excellent shape.

See, I always wanted a dog,

but my father was allergic,

so I had to settle
for a pig.

You had a pet pig?

Mmm-hmm. Rover.

Rover the pig?

Yeah.

But Rover wouldn't fetch.

(SIGHS)

Well, that's why nobody
takes a pig duck-hunting.

Well, anyway, my father

thought it was
a waste of time.

He tried to talk me
out of it,

but I tried to teach
that pig how to fetch.

And I would throw
the ball and retrieve it,

and toss the ball
and retrieve it,

so Rover could
see how it was done.

And I did that
for about a week.

I imagine you got
pretty good at it.

Oh, yeah, I did.

But you're missing
the point, Benson.

Well, why don't we leap
forward to the point?

Well, the point is
that, sometimes,

the only way you can
teach somebody something

is by showing them.
Mmm.

And you taught
the pig how to fetch?

No, pigs
don't pay attention.

But it
showed me something...

That you can call
a pig "Rover,"

but you can't
make him fetch.

Well, I know
it must be crystal clear,

but I don't get it.

Sure, you do, Benson.

See, my father
tried to talk me out

of wasting my time
with Rover,

but I wouldn't listen.

So, he let me
learn the hard way.

The hard way...

Well, why didn't
I think of that?

Benson, you weren't there.

But I'm gonna be at that
basketball game, Governor.

And I'm gonna
bring a friend.

Good!

I used to take Rover
with me everywhere.

Gee, it's been years
since I thought
about that pig.

Whatever happened to Rover?

Oh, we had him for
Christmas dinner.

That figures.

Well, he couldn't fetch.

Come on. Come on. Whoa!

Benson!

Here you go!

Hey!

Oh!

All right,
here we go, Tommy!

What do you think
of this, Tommy?

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Pete, okay. Come on,
pass the ball, Pete!

Come on!

GOVERNOR: I've got
him b*at, Pete!

Come on, Pete!

Oh!

Hey!

GOVERNOR: Okay,
here we go, Pete!

Here we go!

Yes!

Okay, Tommy.

Hi, Benson.

Oh, hi, Sid.
Thanks for stopping by.

Yeah, need another guy?

Hang around.
Okay.

GOVERNOR: Okay, here we go.

Great defense, Pete.

I thought so.
He could have hurt me.
Yeah.

Okay, that's game.

Yeah, well, I don't
know about you,

but I am b*at.

Governor?

Oh, Benson,
you must be tired.

Your eye's starting
to twitch.

Governor...

Oh! Oh, yeah!
Oh, right.

How about you, Clayton?

Oh, not really.

I could go another
couple of... Ow!

What did you say?

Nothing.

Pete?
Count me out.
It's making me too hungry.

We only played one game.
I was just warming up.

Well, maybe Sid
will play with you.

Oh!

Him play me?

I don't mind.
A little one-on-one?

Go on. Be sociable.

All right. I'll try not
to embarrass you, Sid.

Hey, thanks, man.
I really appreciate that.

Here, warm up some.
Thanks.

Guess I'm ready.

Here. Take it out, Sid.

PETE: Come on, let's go!

GOVERNOR: Okay, let's go.

Come on, come on,
come on!

Okay.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

(MEN CHEERING)

Okay, come on!

Go away! Go away!
Go away! Go!

BENSON: All right!

PETE: That's the way to go!

BENSON: Let's go!

PETE: That's it!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(MEN APPLAUDING)

(EXHALES) Game.

Come on, one more game.

Oh, no, that's it, man.
I've had it.

Where is everyone?

Uh, they went home

somewhere around
the fifth game, I think.

Hey, thanks a lot, Benson.
That was fun.

See you.

Hey, you got a lot
of good stuff, man.

Keep working on it.

See you.

How could I lose
seven straight games?

And to a cable repairman?

Maybe because he was
an All-American once.

That explains it.
He must have played pro.

No, he never made it
past training camp.

Well, I'm not surprised.

A little guy like that
doesn't stand a chance.

He b*at you, didn't he?

You set me up.

Only to prove
my point, Tommy.

You're right, too.

I got to get with it.

Now you're talking.

I got to practice more,
push myself, lift weights...

It's not too late.

Tommy, who are you kidding?

Hey, I can make the pros.
I know I can make the pros.

I'm not saying
you can't make the pros.

But suppose you don't.

Then I'll get a job
as a coach someplace.

Where? What college
wants to be bothered

with some coach that
can't read or write?

Don't worry about me.
There's a lot I can do.

Yeah, but are they
the kind of things

you want to do
for the rest of your life?

Well, it's too late
to go back to high school.

And basketball's
all I know.

Well, you can change that.

I don't know, Uncle Benson.

Okay. Give up.

But let me
tell you one thing...

If you don't do
something about this,

nobody else will.

Hey, I've got friends.

There's Coach Lovell,
Mr. Harlington...
Lots of people.

Yeah, but who
do they really love,

Tommy Caulfield
or The Blade?

It's all the same person.

But for how long?

Tommy, you can't
play college basketball

the rest of your life.
Sooner or later

you're gonna be nothing
but a memory to them.

You can't ask me
to give up basketball.

You're a talented athlete.

I would never ask you
to give up your dream.

What are you telling me?

I'm saying cover yourself.

But, Uncle Benson...

I can't even read.

That just means you got
a lot of hard work
ahead of you.

You think
summer school will help?

That's a good start.

You think
I'm a loser, don't you?

No.

You've always been a winner.

I just want you to start
winning off the court.

I guess you're right.

Come on. Let's go home.

Well, where's
the fife and drum?

Oh, am I sore.

Even my fat aches.

What a ridiculous sport.

Nothing civilized should
cause this much pain.

Pain fits you
so well, Clayton.

I haven't felt like this
since I helped my dad
hang that moose head.

You get inside one of those
things and you never get out.

I guess we all
overdid it, huh, Benson?

Perhaps.

But then again,
some of us are

in better shape
than others.

(SCOFFS)
Meaning you, I suppose?

Yes, I must admit
to feeling rather well.

I even thought we might
play a game this afternoon.

(PETE GROANS)

Well, fortunately, I have
appointments to fill my day.

Count me out. I got a lot
of eating to make up for.

What about you, Governor?

(CHUCKLES) Benson,
I've got a few years on you,
my friend.

Takes a little longer for
this body to recuperate.

(INHALES)

(GROANS)