05x03 - God, I Need This Job

[bunniefuu]

(OPENING THEME PLAYING)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Come in.

Governor,
do you have an aspirin?

Uh, no, I don't think so,
Benson.

Why don't you try
Miss Kraus?

No, I got a headache.
I don't need
an upset stomach, too.

Oh, is your headache
the kind that goes
"boom-diddy-boom-diddy-boom"

or the kind
that goes "ahhh"?

Governor, Governor,
don't do that.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Benson, you seem
a little irritable.

I certainly am.

I just wasted an entire
afternoon with the public
utilities committee.

I gave an opening statement

covering everything
from economic impact
on low-income households

to corporate responsibility,

and the only thing they could
think to ask me was,

"Where'd you get your tie?"

So the rate hike passed.

Of course it passed.

The rich guy gets richer, and
the little guy gets littler.

I'm fed up.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)
GOVERNOR: Come in.

I'm sorry to interrupt, sir,
but I have a doctor's
appointment.

You're in the wrong office.

How's the arm, Clayton?

Oh, in a couple of weeks,
I should be back to normal.

Back to normal?
You've never even been
close to normal.

He's a little irritable.

(CHUCKLES)

Public utilities commission
sh*t you down, eh, buddy?

No, they didn't
sh**t me down.

In fact, it was
a very friendly meeting.

They even asked me,
"Where'd you get your tie?"

Well, I'm afraid I've got some
more bad news for you, Benson.

You know that healthcare bill
you're so fond of?

Yeah, what about it?

Well, the finance committee
stuck a rider on it,

a salary raise
for the legislature.

Oh, those bunch of creeps.
It's Chapman, isn't it?

Well, I'll veto it.
We can resubmit it
next session.

Next session is nine months
from now, Governor.

There are senior citizens
waiting for that money today.

Benson, Benson, calm down.
It's just politics.

It's not just politics,
Clayton.

It's people suffering.

That's what politics is.

Clayton, would you leave me
and Benson alone?

Sir, I thought we were
going to discuss...
Please.

All right, sir.

If that's the way you want it,
that's just fine.

Benson's in a bad mood,
and I get blamed for it.
That's just fine.

What is it?

Well, it's more bad news,
Benson. It's about Jessica.

Jessica Tate?
Did they find her?

No, no, she's still missing.

It's just they're going
to petition the court to
declare her legally dead.

Isn't that a little drastic?

Well, I'm just the cousin.

The family isn't asking
my opinion.

They're just informing me.

Well, this really
makes my day.

The public utilities
commission sticks it
to the poor,

the legislature sticks it
to the elderly,

and the Tates are trying
to stick Jessica
in the family plot.

What in the world is wrong
with people?

Well, I'm sorry, Benson.
I know it's depressing.

Try not to let it
get you down.

I'm afraid it's too late
for that. It already
has gotten me down.

I'm afraid I just don't feel
like getting up again.

I'll see you later.

Hmm. Poor Jessica.

Why poor Jessica?

Oh, Benson,
I've never been poor
in my life.

(LAUGHS)

What?

Jessica?

What are you doing here?
We were just
talking about you.

Where'd you come from?

Ooh! You won't believe
where I came from.

First of all, you see,

I was kidnapped
by revolutionaries

and taken to South America,
and then I went to
Connecticut,

and then I was kidnapped again
and taken to South America.

Then I went to heaven.
Then I came here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

When you say heaven,
do you mean heaven or some
little town in Georgia?

No, heaven, you know,
the real thing.

God, angels,
the whole ball of wax.

Oh, Benson,
you should see heaven.

It's really a lovely place.

Jessica,
you haven't changed a bit.

Benson,
did Denise go home yet?

Uh, yes, Kraus,
I'm afraid you missed it.

Come on in. Come on in.

Look who's here.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, look at that.

It's your chair.

I know it's my chair, Kraus,
but look who's in the chair.

Is this some kind of joke?

She can't see me.
Only you can see me, Benson.

Is this some kind of joke?

Who are you talking to?

You mean to tell me you don't
see anybody in that chair?

Do you?

Peekaboo!

Benson, I'm tired
of playing games.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Kraus, wait, wait.

What?

Uh, come here.
I want to show you something.

What now?

I just wanna show you
something. Just stand still.

(SIGHS)

How many fingers
am I holding up?

Five. It's not such
a great trick.

Uh, don't you have something
to do in the kitchen?

You just asked me to stay.

Maybe we should talk
about this in the morning.

Where are you gonna
spend this evening?

The same place
I always spend it.

I just thought
I'd hang around.

Well, why don't you
come to my place?

Benson, when will you get it
through your head?

You don't turn me on.

I want to know why I can
see you but she can't.

(LAUGHS)

Because those are the rules.
Isn't that neat?

Hell, no, it's not neat.

Wait a minute.
I'm talking to myself.
She's not here.

She's a figment
of my imagination.

Well,
maybe I should explain.

This is terrific.
A figment with an explanation.

See,
it's all because of heaven.

Well, I mean,
not actually heaven,

because I was in
a waiting area
outside of heaven.

You were
in heaven's lobby?

But I have seen heaven,
and it's stunning.

It looks a lot
like the MGM Grand.

I can prove you're not here.

If you were here, you'd have
a good reason for being here.

Oh, I do have a reason.

Why couldn't I have ulcers
like everybody else?

See, it all started
when I filled out
this application for heaven.

Application?

I suppose
there's a written exam, too.

And a credit check.

I need a vacation,
a long vacation.

You see, I applied
to be an angel

because I look wonderful
in chiffon.

But they said to me,
of course,
that I was no angel,

and they were right.
I mean, the things I've done.

Not to mention the things
I've thought.

You're stalling.
You don't have a reason.

Oh, yes, I do.

You see, I have to do
a good deed on earth,

so that I can qualify
for my wings!

Qualify for your wings?

I'm listening to this.
I'm sick.

Either that
or I'm having a conversation
with a dead person.

I don't think
that I'm dead.

Then you're alive
but invisible.

No, that doesn't sound right,
either.

There are only two choices.

I think that I am
somewhere in between.

Mmm.

I think I'm somewhere
in between, too.

In between
one oar in the water
and no oars in the water.

I'm going to go home
and get a good night's sleep,

and when I return,
this will all be over.

Good night, Jessica.

It was wonderful
seeing you again.

Lock up before you vanish.

Oh, good morning, Benson.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Good morning, Kraus.

Look who's here.

Who? Who? Who?

All the kitchen chairs.

Perhaps you'd like to
introduce them to
your office chair.

Yeah, I'm sure, I'm sure,
I'm sure they'd like that.

Um, about last night, Kraus...

No need to explain, Benson.

So you talk to your chair.

You're not the first
middle-aged man to go cuckoo.

I am not cuckoo.

That's your opinion.

(LAUGHS) In my opinion,
you're dipsy doodle.

Benson.
Clayton.

Oh, Benson,
I've got good news.

I vetoed that healthcare bill
this morning.

Good idea. Old sick people
don't vote anyway.

Benson!

Just a minute, Benson.
We're all on the same side.

I'm not on your side, Clayton.

You've been against this bill
from the beginning.

I was trying to be pragmatic.
I was playing
devil's advocate.

We know. He's had you on
retainer for quite some time.

Benson, if you'd
just listen,

you'd find out that
I resubmitted the bill.

In its original form,
at my suggestion.

It won't pass,
but we'll make our point.

Goody goody gumdrop.

Well, I'm sorry I brought
the whole matter up.

I'm going back to my office,
if that's all right with you.

Did you want some coffee, sir?

Oh, I don't need any coffee.
My adrenaline's
already pumping.

But thank you for asking
anyhow, Clayton.

What are you
still doing here?

Benson, most of the time
I like your direct approach...

I'm not talking to you!

All right,
if that's the way you want it,

I'm not talking to you,
either!

Now do you see what a mess
you've gotten me into?

Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

You're not gonna lay this one
off on me.

You got yourself into this
all by yourself.

(LAUGHS)

I don't think I've ever
seen him this angry.

What a glorious day.

I've never seen Gene
lose his temper before.

You really ought to be careful
what you say, Benson.

Okay, I've got to face
some facts.

Fact one, she's here.

Fact two,
no one can see her but me.

Fact three, I'm not competent
to be listing facts.

Oh, Benson, why can't you
just accept the fact

that there are certain things
you don't understand,

that there are bonds of
friendship that are so strong

that their energy
can send a message
out through time and space?

Next time, send a postcard.

Anyway, I just dropped by
to say good morning
before I take off.

You're leaving?

Yes. I'm going to be
out all day today
looking for a good deed.

Will I see you
this evening?

That depends on whether
I'll be seeing you.

(GIGGLES)

I was afraid of that.

Hi, Benson.
What?

Oh, yeah, hi.

Are you okay?

Some say yes, some say no.

Anything you wanna
talk about?
No.

No, thanks for asking.

Well, you never know,
I might be able to help.

Okay.

What do you know about angels?

Are we talking baseball
or theology?

I'm talking about angels.

With wings and a halo.

Too bad. I could have told you
about baseball.

Everybody else gets a visit
from their relatives.

I get a visit from an angel.

Dipsy doodle.

Thank you.
Mmm-hmm.

(SIGHING) Well, I have had
a miserable day.

You? I'm about ready
to price padded wallpaper.

Did you say something?

Huh, me? Oh, no.

(SLOWLY) I am just thinking
out loud.

This is going to be
much more difficult
than I thought, Benson.

I need your help.

What do you need
my help for?

You're the one with friends
in that big casino in the sky.

Benson, what can I do
for a good deed?

How about feeding
all the hungry children
of the world?

See, you think
you're so smart.

I'm not allowed to do that

because that would be
considered divine intervention

and man is supposed
to solve that problem.

(SCOFFS) Fat chance.

How about world peace?

Man.

Racial harmony?

Definitely man.

Well, what in the world
do they handle, lost luggage?

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

What do you want, Clayton?

At : this afternoon,

the finance committee
will rehear your testimony
on the healthcare bill.

I am not going to
testify again.

Let them read the transcript
from the last meeting.

He's kind of cute.

(SCOFFS)

Benson, when are you

going to realize that

you can't do things
like this?

Yes, I can.

If you insist on maintaining
this childish attitude,

you're going to wind up
with nothing.

If you don't get out
of my office,

you're gonna wind up
with a matched set of arms.

The committee meets
at :. Be there.

Oh, Benson,
that's a wonderful idea!

I'll fix Clayton's arm.
Make one arm like the other.

No, wait!

(GLASS BREAKS)

(CLAYTON SCREAMS)

Clayton, are you all right?

(MOANING)

This is not gonna count
as your good deed, you know.

Excuse me.

Oh, Gretchen.

Anything happened in
the kitchen?

No, he just came in,
got his coffee, said some
nasty things to me and left.

There's nothing strange
about that.

He seemed normal to me.

Well, Governor, he's been
sitting in his office talking
to himself all day.

The health care bill was
the third bill in a row
he's lost.

Maybe the pressure's
getting to him.

Well, so we are all agreed,
Benson is loony toons.

Maybe I should talk to him.

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

Come in.

Benson, you have a minute?

Sure. Come on in.

What's up?

Benson...

Ah, why b*at
around the bush?

I'm worried about you, Benson.

Well, you're not half
as worried as I am.

Just a minute.

I need to talk to you.

Now we're alone.

I am at my wit's end.

That makes two of us.

That's right.

That's right, you and me.

(CHUCKLES)

Nobody else need
ever know anything
about this conversation.

Now, tell me what's wrong.

Well, I don't know.
I just feel like I'm...

Don't stop, Benson.

Banging my head
against a brick wall here!

That's right.
Get it off your chest.

You win one, you lose two.
What's the point?

Yeah, go on, let it all out!

He thinks you're uts-nay.

I think I'm uts-nay, too.

All right, uts-nay!

Oh. Oh, Pig Latin, I get it.

See how he's looking
at you?

He thinks you're
a seven-layered fruitcake.

You're not helping any.

Would you like to speak
to a professional?

They're gonna come
and take you away, Benson.

Get! Get! Get! Get!
Get! Get! Get! Get!

Benson,
what was that all about?

Aerobics.

Ah, Governor.
Yes?

Thank you for stopping by.
I appreciate all you've done,
but I, uh...

I don't want to dance!

Oh, well, listen, me either.

Benson...

Take my advice.
Get some professional help!

Good! Now we can talk
about my problem.

Your problem?

My co-workers and my boss
think that

I've gone into
the cuckoo closet,

and I'm not sure
they're wrong.

I adore you,
and I always have,

but when you're in this kind
of a mood,

you're no good to anybody.

I'll come back later
when we can talk.

Are you okay?

I don't, uh, think so.

Could you leave me alone
for a while?

Okay, sure.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Come in.

Governor, you got a minute?

Sure.

About this afternoon, I...

Just didn't want you
to think that I had, um...

Slipped off your pulley?

Yeah.

It's just that
I don't think I'm

cut out for this kind of work.

Maybe it's selfish, but

I need to feel like, you know,
I'm doing some good.

You are, Benson.
You are.

A little good here,
a little good there.
It all adds up.

CLAYTON: Governor! Benson!

Good new...

Good news! Good news!

We did it! We did it!

The healthcare bill
passed the finance committee
without the rider!

You're kidding!
What!

What happened?

Well, Chapman wasn't there,
so Reghetti rammed it through

based on Benson's
earlier testimony.

Chapman wasn't at his own
committee meeting? Why?

Sir, I think you're going to
love this story.

After working out
at his health club,

he got dressed,
put on his toupee,

and headed for the capitol.

Well, apparently,
the glue wasn't dry

because the wind blew
the toupee off his head

and into the park.

And while he was
searching for it,

a kitten jumped out of a tree,
onto his head
and got stuck on the glue.

Chapman and the kitten were
rushed to the emergency ward,

and by the time
they pried the kitten
off of Chapman's head,

the meeting was over
and the bill had passed.

(LAUGHING)

Could you repeat that?

I can.
No, no, no.

You see, Chap...
No, Governor.

So, Reghetti rammed it
through, huh?

Well, maybe I should
get with him,

and we can work on
some strategy
for the general session.

Oh, Benson,
it's good to have you back!

Hey, the press is waiting
for a statement.

Come on.

GOVERNOR: Come on,
let's gloat a little bit.

Oh, sir, um...

Well, congratulate me.
I did my good deed.

Congratulations.

It seems like
things worked out
for the best for both of us.

What was your good deed?

Amazingly enough,
something very small.

You see, I was in a park,

and I helped this little
kitten out of a tree.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, you know,

that's the first time
I've laughed in weeks.

Thank you, Jessica.

Well,
what are friends for, hmm?

Oh, I've got to fly.

Fly?
Yes.

This is goodbye, Benson.

Already?

Seems you just got here.

I still don't understand
any of this, you know.

Your being here,
your not being here.

I don't understand it myself,

but I did learn one thing.

I am positively not dead.

I'm in a coma
somewhere in South America.

But don't worry,
I'll get out of it all right.

I always knew
you'd find a loophole.

I've missed you, Benson.

I wish we didn't have
to say goodbye.

Will I ever see you again?

Oh, sure. It's a small cosmos.

We'll have lunch.

Then let us not say goodbye.

Okay.

I love you.

And I love you.

Take me with you, cowboy.
I've outgrown Avaline.

I'm not
a cow town girl anymore.

That's no good. I should be
more forceful. Ahem.

(FORCEFULLY)
Take me with you, cowboy.
I've outgrown Avaline.

I'm not
a cow town girl anymore.

Howdy, Tex.

Who are you talking to?

I was speaking to
your gentleman caller.

You see anybody
in that chair?

Do you?

Of course not.

Dipsy doodle!

(END THEME PLAYING)