05x05 - Full Court Press

[bunniefuu]

[ birds chirping ]

[ typewriter keys clacking ]

Well, if it's that difficult
To read,

You probably
Need glasses.

Oh, good morning,
Benson.

You know what I brought
For lunch? Huh?

I finally found a deli that
Has fresh, creamed herring.

Ahh.
[ sniffs ]

Mmm, that's fresh.
Now smell that.

Ohh!

You all right in there?

No.

Anything I can
Do for you?

No.

Maybe you should
See the nurse.

I'm all right now.

You certainly
Don't look all right.

In fact,
You look terrible.

I feel terrible.

You look it.

Benson, pete's been cooking
Breakfast for me every morning.

He's so sweet, but it's
Making me so sick.

Just tell him
To stop.

I don't want to hurt
His feelings.

If it's all right
With you,

I think I ought to go
See the doctor.

Sure. If you don't feel
Better then, go on home.

Hey, guys,
What is this gunk?

Ohh!

What's wrong with her?

She's allergic
To pete's cooking.
Pete cooks?

Yeah, frightening,
Isn't it?

Do you have time for that
Interview now?
Interview?

Oh, yeah,
Your school newspaper.

Sure.
Okay.

Do we have
To look at that?

Yeah.

Okay.

Let me get this ready?

Yeah.

Do you have
A steady girlfriend?

What kind of newspaper
Does your school put out?

Mostly boring stuff.

But, you see, I got this idea
For a real juicy story.

About me?

Yeah, you know,
You're a bachelor.

You know lots of women.

I'm gonna ask you the kind
Of questions I'd ask sting.

Is sting a person?

Yeah, he's with the police.

There's a cop named sting?

No, it's a rock group.

Oh, sting's a rock group.

No, the police
Is a rock group.

Sting's the lead singer,
Benson.

Yeah, well,
I must have lost touch

Somewhere after
Smokey robinson.

On second thought,
Maybe swinging bachelor's

The wrong angle
For the front page.

Well, you want
A front-page article,

Maybe you should just keep
Your eyes and ears open.

If you hear something
That's news to you,

It's probably news
To everybody else.

Okay, okay,
Let me start again.

What exactly does
A budget director do?
That's better.

Well, what I do
Is I advise the governor

On all financial matters
Of the state.

Do you like your job?

It has its good days
And its bad days.

Benson, you are an irritating,
Petty-minded tightwad.

Obviously, this no longer
Qualifies as a good day.

Are you familiar with this memo
Concerning my expenses?

Is it the one that says
You were overpaid $.

On your trip to washington
In january of this year?

That is correct.

I'm vaguely familiar
With it.

Well, I have no intention
Of returning that money.

Not that I can't afford it --
It's the principle of the thing.

Sounds to me like the principle
Jesse james worked under.

I am not going to stand here
And let you call me a crook.

Fine. Have a seat.

I find your attitude
Rather cavalier

And characteristically
Insulting.

Good. Then the conversation
Hasn't been a total waste.

Why do I bother?

Boy, you really
Made him mad.

Well, I didn't say the job
Was without reward.

Now, where were we?
Okay.

What part of the job
Do you like...

Benson, do you know
Where denise is?

Denise is in the lounge.
She wasn't feeling too well.

Yeah, she's got a real
Sensitive stomach.

That's one of the things
You find out about a woman

After you're
Married to her.

Uh-huh.

You want to hear
Something weird?

She still has her
Tonsils.

Pete, lots of people do.

In a jar?

Why'd you tell me that?

Why don't you go
See how your wife is

And leave me alone, pete?

I'm sure she's fine.

She's probably just got
A touch of the flu.

Clayton, I suggest that you
And senator chapman

Settle your differences
Over dinner.

Very good, sir.

Perhaps benson knows
If they accept reservations

At the buddy burger stand.

No, but if you
Tip the clown,

He'll give you a seat
Near the jungle gym.

Ha ha!

Just what every
State needs --

A funny budget director.

Break out the ginger ale.
I made the headlines!

Congratulations!

That is wonderful,
Honey.

Thanks to you, benson,

I finally made the front page
Of the school paper.

You made the front page

'cause you turned in
A good news story.

"Budget director calls
Chief of staff a crook."

Let me see that.

Katie, what is this
All about?

The argument you and clayton had
In your office.

Let me see that.

My tape recorder was running
The whole time.

Na, na, na, na,
Na, na, na...

"At which point, mr. Dubois
Compared mr. Endicott

To the infamous outlaw
Jesse james."

Katie, how could you do
Something like this?

I was just keeping my eyes
And ears open like you said.

Yeah, but what
Clayton and I said

Was just between
The two of us.

Oh, calm down.
It's a school paper.

Who's gonna read it?

I finally do something
I'm really proud of,

And everybody
Gets weird on me.

Benson,
This is an outrage.

You have sullied my personal
And professional reputation.

Oh, come on, clayton.

Don't blow this
Out of proportion.

We have the same kind
Of argument every day.

The only difference is

It got reported
In katie's school paper.

He's right.
I think you're overreacting.

Overreacting?

Sir, I have been
The target

Of his constance abuse
And harassment for years.

Oh, and how I've
Appreciated it.

Well, this time
You've gone too far.

We'll settle this
In a courtroom.

Courtroom?
That's right.

I'm suing you
For slander.
[ laughs ]

He's taking me to court?

I should be taking him
To court.

But you don't have
Any grounds.
Oh, yeah?

How about roaming free
Without a leash?

Oh, good,
You're both here.

Seen the editorial cartoon
In this morning's paper?

I didn't read
The newspaper.

I had some legal business
To attend to.

My paper was taken.

Are you accusing me?
That depends.

Were you running around
My front yard this morning

In a poodle suit?

All right.
Now, knock it off.

Look at this cartoon.

It shows the two of you
Dressed as cowboys

sh**ting it out
In a western street.

Let me see that.

Why does clayton
Have three g*ns?

That's not his g*n.
That's his nose.

Let me see that.

My nose doesn't
Look like that.

Your nose
Is not important.

The important thing
Is that it shows

Three vital pieces
Of legislation

Lying dead in the street,

And the caption reads
"Innocent bystanders."

Well, if I belong anywhere
In that cartoon,

It's there in the street
With those innocent bystanders.

Innocent bystander?
Ha!

You called me a crook
In the public forum.

I called you a crook
In my office.

I did not put it
In the public forum.

The point is I want this fight
Out of the public forum!

The newspapers are having
A field day with us.

I want it stopped.

I am perfectly willing
To drop the lawsuit

If benson will simply
Issue an apology.

I have nothing
To apologize for.

You heard what I said,
And you know what I mean.

Since you refuse
To apologize,

I am forced to seek
A legal remedy.

Clayton, you are being
A real jerk about this.

This whole lawsuit
Is a lame-brain idea.

[ laughs ]

If you think that's funny, wait
Till you get a load of this.

What is this?

Governor.

I'll see you
Gentlemen in court.

Well, how do you like that?

There it is -- summons.

Civil court.
The st.

He subpoenaed me,
The governor.

He can't sub--

Well, he can,

But it takes
A lot of moxie.

This is really
Disturbing.

If you think that's disturbing,
Take a look at this cartoon.

Is that supposed
To be me?

That's not me.

That's redd foxx.

Benson,
I just got "Subpoenied."

Congratulations.
It's about time.

You know what I'm
Talking about.

Thanks to you
Und your dumb lawsuit,

I'm going to miss the rehearsal
For the awards dinner.

It's not my dumb lawsuit.

Clayton is suing me.
Go yell at him.

You know, I blame you
For this, benson.

I'm warning you.
I'll be an unfriendly witness.

It's not surprising.
You're an unfriendly person.

Benson, I really need
To talk to you.

What's the matter, denise?
You look upset.

You remember when I went
To the doctor the other day?

Yeah.

I'm sort of pregnant.

Sort of?

No, no, pregnant --

Totally.

Well, that's wonderful,
Isn't it, denise?

I sure hope
Pete thinks so.

You mean you told me before
You told your husband?

Yeah, I had
To tell somebody.

Pete's gonna be
A nervous wreck.

He didn't even want us
To get a kitten.

Well, you're gonna have to tell
Him sometime, denise.

Yeah, I know.
It just scares me.

Denise...

...Listen to me.

You're about to make pete
The happiest man in the world.

I think deep down inside
You know that,

But you don't have to tell him
Right away.

You'll pick the time.
You'll know when.

Yeah, I guess.

You're going to make
A terrific mother,

And pete will make
A fine...

Playmate for the child.

Congratulations.

Well, well, well,
Benson.

You're finally going to
Get your comeuppance.

You may not be aware of this,
But at law school,

My colleagues called me
"The barracuda."

I guess "Rodent"
Was already taken.

All rise for the honorable
Judge edmund douglas harper.

Bailiff, have all the witnesses
Been sworn?

Yes, your honor.

This is
Endicott vs. Dubois.

Jury has been waived.

Plaintiff and defendant
Will be representing themselves.

It never ceases to amaze me

That people who won't even try
To fix their own toaster

Feel qualified to stand
Before the bard of justice.

Well, if you ask me, I think
Television is to blame for that,

But television's not on trial
Here today,

So we will proceed
With our first witness.

Mr. Endicott, please.

Thank you, your honor.

[ clears throat ]

For my first witness,

I call to the stand
Katherine olivia gatling.

Ms. Gatling?

Incidentally, your honor,
In the interest of brevity,

I will be dispensing
With my usual opening remarks.

Oh...What a pity.

Ms. Gatling,

Kindly respond to my queries
With the utmost probity,

As your recollection
Of the alleged slander

Shall serve as prima facie
Evidence of the charges made.

I object, your honor.

Counselor's speaking
In babylonian.

Sustained.

Mr. Endicott, please talk so
Everyone can understand you.

Very well,
Your honor.

Katie, on tuesday last,

Did you hear benson
Refer to me as jesse james

And suggest that I was trying
To rip off

The good citizens
Of this state?

Well, gee.

[ mocking ] "Well, gee"?

Is that not, in fact,

What you reported in your
School newspaper?

I don't know, maybe.

[ mocking ]
"I don't know, maybe"?

I just so happen to have
Said newspaper in my hand.

Would you like to look it over
To refresh your memory?

I object, your honor.

Counselor's badgering
The witness.

She's my witness.
I can badger her if I want to.

Objection sustained.

Mr. Endicott, will you
Restate the question

In a less argumentative
Manner?

Oh, your honor, I think
I made my point.

No further questions.
Your witness.

Under the circumstances,
Your honor,

I believe the young lady
Has had enough.

No questions.

Witness may step down.

Your honor,
If it pleases the court,

What I intend to establish
With the following witness

Is that mr. Dubois has a history
Of constantly insulting me.

I call to the stand,

The lovely
Miss gretchen kraus.

I object, your honor.

Counselor is deluding
The witness.

Objection overruled.

Court calls
Miss gretchen kraus.

But my line
Is always busy.

[ laughs ]

Your line
Isn't even connected.

Miss kraus, have you ever heard
The defendant refer to me

In a derogatory manner,
Using words such as "Bore"?

Ja.

"Incompetent"?
Ja.

"Jackass"?

Ja, so?

No further questions.

Not so fast.
I have a few questions.

Well, hurry it up,
Would you, benson?

I have to get
To rehearsal.

Miss kraus, now,
In your own words,

How would you describe
Clayton endicott?

His mouth is so big,

He could eat a knackwurst
Sideways.

He is so skinny,

He looks like a talent scout
For a cemetery.

He's the only man I've ever met
With a seersucker face.

[ horns honk ]

Madam, please.

Either answer the questions
Directly,

Or I'll have you removed.

Could you do that?

Please, continue.
Yes, yes.

Now, the other day,

When clayton attempted to give
You lessons in etiquette,

Did you not, in fact,

Call him a "Nosy,
Egotistical goat brain"?

Ja. So?

That's all, kraus.
Thank you, your honor.

You may step down.

Your honor, may I approach
The bench?

Is it absolutely necessary?

I should like to discuss
A point of law.

All right. You might as well
Come up, too, mr. Dubois.

Your honor, as you know,
I am an attorney.

Mr. Dubois is not.

I am totally familiar
With courtroom procedure.

Mr. Dubois is not.

I am experienced in trying cases
Before the law.

Mr. Dubois is not.

Right now you're
Trying my patience,

And mr. Dubois is not.

[ chuckles ]

Mr. Dubois, please try
To contain yourself.

Yes.

Now, mr. Endicott,
What is this point of law?

Well, your honor, the defense
Has not established

A clear line
Of questioning.

I've only asked
One question.

Well, it wasn't
A very clear one.

It was clear
To the witness.

Who are you,
The question monitor?

No, mr. Dubois,
I'm the question monitor.

Now, mr. Endicott,

This is a rather
Informal procedure.

I think I would
Allow mr. Dubois

To pursue any line of
Questioning he feels relevant.

Thank you, your honor.

Pete, I have something
To tell you,

And I just can't wait
Any longer.

What?

Clayton: I call peter downey
To the stand.

Hot diggity dog!

Aah!
Whoo!

Pete, pete,
Pete, pete.

This is not
"The price is right."

Mr. Downey, would you
Kindly take the stand?

You bet. Whoo!

Mr. Downey, have you ever heard
The defendant

Use unflattering speech
Towards me?

What? Who cares?

There's a bigger issue
Out there.

Let's make the world
A safe place to live in.

A place we can be proud
To raise children --

Your children
And my children.

Peter j. Downey
Is gonna have children.

I object.

Your honor, the man
Objects to children.

Need we say more?

[ gavel bangs ]

I love you, denise.

I love you, too, pete.

[ gavel bangs ]

Order, order.

Ham on rye,
Hold the pickles!

[ horn blows ]

One more outburst like that,

And you'll be held in contempt
Of court.

Now, can we go on,
Please?

Question your witness,
Mr. Endicott.

What's the point?
Your witness.

I have no questions, your honor.
Can we go home now?

Not yet -- I haven't called
My star witness.

Oh, brother.

Your honor,

I call the governor
Of this state,

Gene gatling.

Big deal. Everybody calls him
"Gene gatling."

Mr. Dubois,
I'm warning you --

No more outbursts.

Hi, ned,
How's it going?

Gene, this isn't exactly
Scopes-monkey trial.

Governor, have you ever heard
Mr. Dubois denigrate me

In front of others?

Well...Yeah.

But, clayton,
That isn't the point.

I mean, he didn't --
No further questions.

Your witness.

Governor...

Were you angry
On wednesday the th,

When, in my presence, you called
Mr. Endicott a "Lame-brain"?

Oh, I didn't call him
A lame-brain.

I said, "This lawsuit
Was a lame-brain idea."

I called him a jerk.

Was that the first time
You've called him a jerk?

Oh, no. I've called him a jerk
Hundreds of times.

Object, your honor.

I must admit,
Mr. Dubois,

I fail to see the logic
In this line of questioning.

Your honor,
What I'm trying to point out

Is that,
At one time or another,

We all say things that
We don't really mean.

Out of context,

Almost anything you say
Can be misinterpreted.

What makes this administration
So successful

Is that we constantly
Challenge one another

To do our very best,

And, as a consequence,

It can sometimes get
A little heated.

But I assure you,
No harm is ever intended.

[ laughs giddily ]
Isn't he terrific?

I think I understand,
Mr. Dubois.

Objection overruled.
You may proceed.

I have no further questions,
Your honor.

Witness is excused.

Now, if there are no more
Comments,

Objections, witnesses,
Or births to be announced,

I'd like to rule on this case.

Before you do, your honor,

Would it be all right
If I just said something?

Why not?

I just wanted to say I'm sorry
To benson and clayton.

From now on,
I'll be more careful

When I'm reporting
The news.

Thank you, katie.

Well, I'm certainly glad
That someone

Has learned a lesson
From all this.

Mr. Endicott...

I can see even from my limited
Contact with you

Why you invite
Such strong invective.

Still, the law is explicit
And clear,

And it seems to me that
Some damage was done.

Therefore, I rule in favor
Of plaintiff clayton endicott.

Ha ha!
Justice triumphs.

Thank you, your honor.
I am vindicated!

However, since the damage
Was done mainly to your ego

And not to your reputation,

I award you the amount of $,

Payable at mr. Dubois'
Convenience.

Court adjourned.

Uh...

Uh, your honor...

Uh...

Congratulations
On your victory, clayton.

Victory?
You call that a victory?

He only awarded me $.

I consider that
A slap in the face.

Well, in that case, here's $.
Slap yourself silly.