05x06 - Down the Drain

[bunniefuu]

Where's my thermos?

It's over there.

So, how's it going
In there, ernie?

When I'm done,
You'll know it.

In the meantime,
Get off my back.

That's as good
As his moods get.

Uh, ernie,
I was wondering

If you could stop
By my condo

And take a look at my sink.

Why?
I look at sinks all day.

Well,
It's not a social call.

The only reason I ask is
'cause I think it's broken.

You an expert?

Well, no, but, uh, when
I turned it on this morning,

Water sh*t
Out of the handles.

Sounds to me
Like it's broken.

That's
What I suspected, too.

You think
You could fix it?

I know I can fix it.

When can you stop by?

Clean out your ears.

I said I know I can fix it.
I didn't say I would fix it.

Ernie,
Did anybody ever tell you

That you are
One miserable human being?

Sure, lots of people.

Add my name to the list.

Miss kraus:
Where are you going?

Don't get your tights
In a bunch, honey.

I'm heading for my truck
To get a snake for the drain.

Why waste time?

Slither down the pipe
Yourself.

Oh, hi, ernie.

You still governor?

Oh, benson,
Have you heard anything

About the
Summer-jobs bill yet?

No, nothing yet.
Good! I want to be
The first to tell you.

The summer-jobs bill
Passed!

Denise,
I wanted to tell him.

Oh, I'm so sorry,
Sir.

Well, why don't we go to lunch
And celebrate?

I got to meet
With the water commissioner.

What about my place tonight?
Nothing fancy.

Just beer and sandwiches --
Simple.

Why don't we have
A theme party?

We already have a theme --
Simple.

What about
A hawaiian luau?

Ooh, I have a great book
Of polynesian recipes.

Terrific!

You are not roasting a pig
In my living room.

Oh, how's it going,
Ernie?

I ain't getting paid
For no conversation.

Whoo.

[ metal clattering ]

He's gotten meaner.

There must be a reason
That he acts that way.

There is. He's mean.

Come on, benson.
What do you say?

Can we have a luau?
It'll be fun.

If it's a luau you want,
It's a luau you'll get.

Oh, great!

I think I have a recipe
For poi-poi.

Oh, boy, poi-poi.

I'm done.

Good. That means
You'll be leaving soon.

Not too soon for me.

So you're having
A party tonight, huh?

Uh-huh. But it's just
For the people who work here.

Every day, regular.

Sounds like
A real great party.

Food, guests...

Everything
But the kitchen sink.

Uh-huh.

Uh, ernie, what do you think
It'll cost me

To get the sink fixed?

About $.

Here's the keys to the condo.

[ chuckling ] oh, ho.

You want a professional.
That'll cost more than $.

How much?

I'm not sure
I'm available.

Let me, uh,
Just check my book, uh...

I'm willing to pay
Time-and-a-half.

I'm available.

There's two things
In this world I respect --

That's honesty...

And time-and-a-half.

But not necessarily
In that order.

I don't make excuses
For what I am.

My philosophy is,
"Hey...

Who cares what you think?"

He probably needs more fiber
In his diet.

Aloha.
You're early.

I brought the dip.

I see that.

What should I do
First?

Unplug pete's shirt.

I'm gonna
Put out the food.

Okay, I'm going to go upstairs
And change.

There's a man
Under your sink.

That's ernie.

He's fixing the sink,
And I hope he finishes soon.

Well, I better eat
Some of this stuff,

Make sure it tastes okay.

Hey, keep your hands
Away from everything.

Everything?

Oh, pete,
Ernie will hear you.

Then we'll kiss quietly.

No, no, no, come on.
I've got work to do.

Don't get fresh.

Nothing's fresh
After you get married.

You ever been married,
Ernie?

Pete, what are you doing?

Trying to wake ernie up.

What? You mean he's asleep
On time-and-a-half?

You're kidding.

Hey, ernie, now's no time
To check out.

[ door slams ]

Ernie?

Hey, ernie!

Oh.

Ernie's not asleep.
He's dead.

What do you mean
"Dead"?

Dead, the big sleep,
The last roundup.

This is awful.

Guess I better...

Call the police.

Oh, hold me, pete.

Not now, denise.
I'm not in the mood anymore.

Hello?

Listen, I want to report a --
Hello?!

What happened?

They put me on hold.

Playing a recording
Of "Tie a yellow ribbon."

All right, where's ernie?

Kraus, kraus, I've got
To tell you something.

Come out of there,
You stinker!

Kraus,
He's not coming out.

I know,
He's afraid to face me

Because he overcharged me
On this bill.

Ernie, you're a bum!

Kraus, kraus --
Ernie's dead.

He must have had
A heart att*ck.

Under your sink?

No, I'm storing him
Under there.

Oh, no.

[ laughing ]

What is so funny?

I'm sorry, benson.

This is the way I react
To tragedy.

Kraus,
You're a sick person.

Oh, the fun's started
Already.

Hey, listen to this,
Everybody.

Ready, clayton?

I'm ready, sir.

Both:
♪ yes, sir, that's my baby ♪

♪ no, sir, I don't mean maybe ♪

♪ yes, sir, that's my baby now ♪

The plumber's dead.

♪ the plumber's dead ♪

What? What?

The plumber's dead?

That's --
That's not how it goes.

Ernie had a heart att*ck.

[ laughing ]

If you'll sign this,
I'll be on my way.

Thanks for your help,
Officer.

Just doing my job,
Fellow.

[ ukulele strums ]

Guess none of us
Is really in a party mood.

Maybe we should go home.

I'd kind of like to be
With everyone for a while.

Ja, life sure is funny.

Yeah, be a lot funnier

If you didn't have to drop dead
At the end of it.

It's all so absurd.

One moment, we're
Sipping the sweet nectar

From life's golden chalice,
And the next...

[ plucks string ]

Poor ernie.

Well, there's nothing much
We can do for him.

He's in someone else's
Hands now.

Not entirely.

What do you mean?

You do realize
What you signed here.

Of course I do.
It was a...A...A...

I have no idea.

You have accepted responsibility
For ernie's disposition.

It's not my fault
He had a rotten disposition.

Uh, the disposition
Of his body.

Simply put, you have agreed

To handle ernie's
Funeral arrangements.

Let me see that.

This is the worst luau
I have ever been to.

But I already spoke
To the city clerk.

He said to call you
At the hall of records.

Why am I responsible
For mr. Pulaski's funeral?

Well, yes, he was working for me
When he d*ed.

What do you mean
"Finders keepers"?

Hello? Hello?

This is terrible.

What's the problem?

The city still claims

That I'm responsible
For ernie's funeral.

Benson, legal affairs just sent
Over a copy of ernie's will.

Does it mention
Any friends or relatives?

Let's take a look.

Ah, here we go, here.

"Seeing as how
I spent every dime I made

"On cheap booze, fat women,
And gambling...

"I have nothing left
To leave anyone

"And no family
To leave it to.

"I like it that way.

"It saves a lot of money
At christmas.

"If I had my life
To live over again,

"I wouldn't change a thing.

Signed,
Ernie 'the plumber' pulaski."

Well, now
I've heard everything.

"And one more thing.

"I want to be cremated,

Not stuck in the ground
Next to some jerk

I wouldn't have given
The time of day to."

I just got off the phone

With the city clerk's
Office.

They apologize
For the mix-up.

You're no longer responsible
For ernie.

Thank goodness
That's settled.

Who's gonna take care
Of his arrangements?

No one.

If ernie's body isn't claimed
In the next hours,

They're going to bury him
In an unmarked grave

In a potter's field.

Shouldn't he be buried
In a plumber's field?

To be buried
In an unmarked grave is so sad.

I guess we can't
Let that happen.

Yeah.

Ernie wouldn't have won
Any humanitarian awards,

But he does deserve
A proper funeral.

Well...

It's not as if
He were a friend of ours.

Well, this man was
A vile, dismal creature.

Clayton,
We did know the man.

Oh, please.

Doesn't mean
We have to bury him.

Well, fine.

He can spend the night
At your house.

Sir --

I think we should all
Chip in for the funeral.

The governor
Makes a good point.

You can count on me.

Hi, everybody.
What's going on?

Well, we were just talking
About ernie, the plumber.

You mean the really nasty guy
Who hates kids?

He d*ed, sweetheart.

Oh.

Somebody k*ll him?

Katie...

Sorry.

Benson,
As soon as you know

How much the funeral
Is going to cost,

Let me know,
And I'll have my accountant

Write out a check for you.

Me? Why do I have to
Take care of these things?

Well, he did die
At your place.

Possession is /ths
Of the law.

And you're /ths
Of a brain.

No, no, no, no, no.

I merely meant that,
As the budget director,

You would be
The logical choice to, uh --

How shall I phrase this?

Find us the best burial
For the buck.

Why do I always have
To handle these things?

Benson's right.
Why should he have to do it?

Let's take a vote.

I nominate benson.
All in favor?

All: aye!

Excuse me.

Uh, could you tell me

Where I could find
The, uh, funeral director?

You're looking at him.

Nice to meet you.

I'm guy kissinger.
No relation.

I'm benson dubois.

Ah, how can I be
Of assistance, mr. Dubois?

Well, I...Need to make
Arrangements for a...Funeral.

Of course.

Now, what was your relationship
To the deceased?

Um, he was my...Plumber.

My condolences.

Thank you.

You see, he d*ed when --

Oh, excuse me.

We don't like to use words
Like "Die" around here.

The modern funeral home

Has gotten rid
Of all that morbid death stuff.

But you guys do
Still bury people?

That's really
An outdated term.

We like to think
It's our job

To help the deceased
Enter another room.

Mm-hmm.

Would you mind pointing
That room out to me?

I don't want to
Wander in there by mistake.

Well, I'm sure
We can help you

Prepare
A special remembrance.

Well, I want to do
What's right,

But I am working
Within a budget.

You see, the guy wanted
To be...Cremated.

Always a nice choice...

If it's tastefully done.

"Tastefully"
Sounds expensive.

Now, let's be honest.

Does money really matter
At a time like this?

Mm-hmm.

Well, first of all...

...You'll need a casket.

A casket?

Yes, we have some very nice
Imported models.

What do I need
With a casket?

The guy
Wanted to be cremated.

I know.

You're right,
But it's the law.

In this state, the deceased
Must be cremated in a casket.

This is the avanti.

It has a red satin interior.

How much?

Handmade
Burnished-brass handles.
How much?

It's also lead-lined.

I'm not burying superman.
How much?

$,.

Dollars?

You're looking for something
A little more understated?

No, cheaper.

Well, we do have
This close-out model

Left over
From the bicentennial.

It's made of white pine
And has a mural

Depicting the signing of
The declaration of independence.

How much is that?

Originally,
It retailed for $,.

What does it go for

Now that the flames
Of patriotism have waned?

bucks.

Sold, american.

We'd like the service
Wednesday.

May I suggest
Our "Slumber " package?

Slumber ?

That includes
The baroque string quartet

And floral arrangements.

That'd be fine.

Good choice.

That way we can sneak you in
At about $,.

Wait a minute. $,?

$ for the casket,
$, for chapel services?

Isn't that a little
Out of balance?

You're right.
That doesn't seem fair.

Would you like to look
At the caskets again?

Nope.

Do you have anything
For the bereaved on a budget?

Well, I hesitate to mention
Our least-expensive package.

Mention it.

I wouldn't want you
To be embarrassed.

Don't worry about me.

Well, our basic
-minute chapel service,

With plastic lilies
And piped-in music runs $..

That'll be fine.

Mr. Dubois,
It's always a pleasure

Doing business
With a discerning customer.

Have you ever given
Any consideration

To planning
Your own funeral?

Hell, no.
I feel fine.

Perhaps now,

But every man's demise
Is just around the corner.

Could you let go
Of my hand?

[ organ music plays ]

No man is an island.

No man stands alone.

Each man's joy is joy to me.

Each man's death is my own.

Why didn't he chip in?

We are gathered here today

To pay our last respects

To a man who will be
Deeply missed -- ernie pulaski.

Is he talking
About our ernie pulaski?

Ernie was a man
With a valuable gift --

Not valuable
In the material sense

But priceless, nonetheless.

He possessed the gift of love.

[ chuckles ]

To know ernie
Was to have a true friend.

[ chuckling ]

He was one
Of the gentlest, kindest,

Most considerate men --

[ laughing ]

Benson...

I'm sorry, governor.

He is not
Talking about ernie.

He's talking about gandhi.

Benson,
This is a solemn moment.

Yeah, I know, sir,

But it just seems like
He's talking about a stranger.

I think, if some words
Are going to be spoken here,

They ought to be
About the man we really knew.

Does that mean
You want to forego the eulogy?

There's no refund.

Well, out of respect
For ernie,

We should be remembering
The man he was.

Benson, why don't you
Say something?

Well, all right.

We are gathered here today

To honor a man
Who ruined our luau.

Before he d*ed --

Excuse me --

Entered another room.

Actually, in ernie's case,

It could be said
He entered another cabinet.

But before he entered that room,
Ernie told me

That the one thing he truly
Respected in life was honesty.

Keeping that in mind,
I can honestly say

That ernie pulaski was
One of the most unpleasant,

Cantankerous individuals
I have ever met.

That he was.

And yet, when you
Really got to know ernie,

It was much, much worse.

He was a bitter man.

Yes.

Bitter and mean.

How mean was he?

Ernie pulaski was so mean
That he...

Once unclogged a toilet
By yelling down it.

Oh, he was mean,
All right.

Bullheaded.

He wasn't
A very nice guy.

He was a pig.

He used to call me
"Squirt."

Yeah, me too.

Well, it seems,
By general consensus,

That ernie pulaski
Was the scum of the earth.

Which brings us
To the big question --

Why are we throwing
This funeral for him?

Well, we'll never know

Why ernie chose to live his life
The way he did,

But the suddenness of his death

Has served
To make us all more aware

Of the frailty of life.

Ernie pulaski was a human being
Like the rest of us,

And that's reason enough
To honor his memory.

Rest in peace, ernie pulaski.

You're on golden time now.