05x09 - Katie's Cookies

[bunniefuu]

Oh, benson, this gentleman
Would like to speak to you.

He's with those organized-crime
Fellows in washington.

Really?
Are they up for re-election?

Benson has
A wry sense of humor,

Which, apparently,
He can't turn off.

Benson,
This is special agent...

I'm sorry.
I forgot your name.

Call me "Monday."

Okay.

This is the special agent
On the case,

But I can't tell you his name
Till monday.

No, I think he means
His name is monday.

That's right --
Bill monday.

Oh, bill monday.

I know why I got confused.

I wrote down your name
"Bill monday" on my calendar,

But I thought it meant that
I was supposed to submit a bill

To the legislature
On monday.

What bill?
I didn't say a thing.

Oh, I better go apologize
To clayton.

I just fired him 'cause
He didn't know about that bill.

Okay, what can I do for you,
Monday?

Well, actually,
I need your help today.

Don't start.

Have a seat.
Okay.

As the governor
So aptly pointed out,

I'm with
The organized-crime commission.

Are you familiar
With the stigler brothers?

Are we talking stigler brothers'
Barstools and dinettes

Or stigler brothers,
The vicious criminals?

Actually,
They're one and the same.

Are you telling me
That I bought my dinette set

From a couple
Of cold-blooded K*llers?

[ laughing ]
I guess you did, yes.

Well, I'm glad
I didn't complain

About the scratch
On the chair.

The commission
Has subpoenaed

The stigler brothers'
State-tax returns

For the last five years.

They'd like for you
To come to washington

To testify
As to their authenticity.

Authenticity?

Yeah.

You mean, you want me
To come to washington

To testify
Against the stigler brothers?

Would you be willing
To do that?

You can count on my help.
When do you need me?

Three weeks
From tomorrow.

I'll be there.

Thank you, mr. Dubois.

Oh, by the way,
Here's my card.

If you need anything,
Just give me a call.

I know something
I need right now.

What's that?
Another card.

This one says you have
A root-canal appointment

On the th.

Benson, benson,
Benson, benson.

It has come to my attention
That you have agreed

To testify
Against the stigler brothers.

[ gasps ]
The stigler brothers?

Aren't they
Those vicious gangsters?

Why, no one ever testifies
Against them.

Of course not.

Everyone
Who could give evidence

Has come down with a sudden case
Of irreversible death.

Oh, stop worrying.
I'm in no danger.

I'm simply going to washington
To testify that,

Yes, these are the
Stigler brothers' tax returns.

Taxes -- that's exactly
How they get these guys.

They got al capone
On taxes.

They got meyer lansky
On taxes.

They got, uh...
What's that other guy's name?

Rowena gorn.

Rowena gorn? Rowena gorn?

Ja, rowena gorn.
She's my manicurist.

She wasn't reporting
Pedicures.

They nailed her.

I knew it.
I knew I smelled cookies.

Oh, hi, benson.

Pete, don't start.

Can't I talk you out
Of testifying, benson?

Will you people
Calm down?

I told you,
I'm in no danger.

I don't know any big secrets.
I'm a technical witness.

Ja, that's it.

He sleeps on the fishes.

She's right, benson.

You're gonna be wearing
Pinstriped cement.

And the worst part is,

I won't be able to tell you,
"I told you so."

Benson, is what you're doing
Really dangerous?

Nah, they're just teasing,
Katie.

Good. I wouldn't want anything
To happen to my partner.

Partner?
I need
An adult partner.

And since it's
Your mother's recipe,

I thought
It should be you.

Sure, why not?

Good, try not to eat up
All the profits.

Benson, I want you
To have this vest.

Thanks a lot, governor,

But I don't have anything
I can wear it with.

You don't understand.
I got this from security.

It's a bulletproof vest.

I don't need it.
I told you, I'm in no danger.

Well, just wear it
As a lucky vest.

Well,
With all due respect, sir,

If I wore that vest,
I'd never get lucky.

I'll see you later.

[ pots clang ]

[ man shouting in chinese ]

[ shouting stops ]

[ pots clang ]

[ shouting resumes ]

[ muttering in chinese ]

What do you want?

Uh, where's jimmy?

Jimmy?
Jimmy is a brainless moron.

[ speaking chinese ]

I am jimmy's uncle.
Huh?

Yeah, well,
Maybe I just better order.

I don't want to get involved
In any family squabbles.

I'll take
A couple of egg rolls,

A glass of iced tea,
And some egg fu yung.

Number ?
Yeah.

Is jimmy
Gonna be around today?

I tell you, huh?
Jimmy go home sick.

Oh. I hope
It's nothing serious.

Not serious.
He ate the egg fu yung.

Number ?

Hey, I have to work,
Huh?

Wait. In that case,
I'll take a number .

[ pots clang ]

Idiot, huh?!

[ speaking chinese ]

Ah, ah, benson.
Benson, there you are.

Listen, I won't be in the office
After lunch.

I just wanted to give you
My notes on the dewitt farm act.

I'm eating my lunch now.
I'll read it later.

Don't be silly, benson.
It will only take a few minutes.

I'll be gone
Before your food arrives.

Hey! Good afternoon,
Mr. Endicott.

[ speaking chinese ]

What can I do for you?

[ speaks chinese ]

[ conversing in chinese ]

Get down, clayton.

I didn't know
You could speak chinese.

Only
The two major dialects.

To tell you the truth,
I'd be lost in tibet.

If it was up to me.

Ah.

The guy brought a number
And a number .

Perhaps I will eat.

Here, take the number .

Bon appétit, huh?
[ chuckles ]

Pardon me.

Yeah?

Mr. Dubois?
Uh-huh.

It would give me
Extreme pleasure

To pay
For your meal, sir.

[ laughs ]
Do I know you?

We haven't been
Formally introduced,

But I seen your picture
In the paper.

Look, pal,
I don't know who you are,

But if I were you --
Ahh.

If you were me...

You'd be bigger
And quieter.

I'm talking
To mr. Dubois.

Oh, well, that's very nice
Of you, mister, uh...

Smith.

...Mr. Smith,
But that won't be necessary.

Oh, but it is.

You see, there are still
Citizens out there

Who take notice

Of a public-spirited
Government official

Who is willing to stand up
To the element of crime.

[ chuckles ]
Well, thank you very much.

Don't mention it...

...To anyone.

I'll tell you,

You really meet some
Weird people in this business.

Benson,
T-that was more than weird.

The stigler brothers
Must have sent that man

To thr*aten you.

He wasn't threatening me.
He was threatening you.

Go ahead,
Ignore it if you want to.

You're a dead man,
Benson.

Me? You're the one
Eating number .

What the hell happened here?

Hello, is this monday?

Listen, I don't have time
For jokes, fella.

I want to speak
To special agent monday.

Hello, bill.
This is benson dubois.

I think we got trouble here.

So what do you think?

Man, you really got
Quite a mess here.

You're
A regular d*ck tracy.

Look, mr. Dubois,
The stigler brothers

Are probably
Just trying to frighten you.

They're certainly doing
A wonderful job.

I hope this doesn't change
Your mind about testifying.

Not at all.
I'm angry now.

I just wonder how you guys
Are planning to protect me.

If you don't feel
It's safe here,

Why don't you stay
At the governor's mansion

Until after you testify?

Three weeks with kraus
Versus possible death --

That's a tough decision.

If you go
To the governor's mansion,

I can set up
A stakeout here

Just in case
Somebody comes back.

All right, all right.
I'll have to pack a few things.

You mind
If I use your phone?
No, go right ahead.

I am about
To start dinner.

Are you eating here again
Tonight?

I don't like it
Any more than you do, kraus,

But I am stuck here
Until I testify next week.

You know something,
Benson?

If the stigler brothers
Really wanted to get you,

Nothing could stop them.

You're right,
But I'm not worried

Because I know that,
If it came right down to it,

You'd give up your life
To protect mine.

I wouldn't give up
My bowling night.

Dinner is at :.

Alka-seltzer's at :.

I hear you!

I hate that.

Good night, benson.
See you tomorrow.

Good night, denise.
Have a nice evening.

Oh, by the way,
I'll be in late tomorrow.

We're gonna have some pictures
Taken of the baby.

Wouldn't that be easier
After you've given birth?

Oh, no, no.
It really works.

They use ultrasound to create
A picture of the baby inside me.

I suppose, that way,

The kid can look back
On those pictures and say,

"Gee, here's a picture of me
When I was just a blob."

You think of my baby
As a blob?

No, it's just
A figure of speech.

It's not a blob.
It's a tiny, little human being.

Of course, of course.

Why don't you go home
And get a good night's rest?

You want to look nice
For the baby pictures.

I never heard anyone
Call it a blob.

Oh, good grief.

"Flowers for denise."

Hey, benson,
I got some great news.

What?

Here.

A check for $..

What's this all about?

It's the first profits
From our cookie business.

We're even outselling
Honest abe.

Well, congratulations.
Ha!

Yeah, well,
The only problem is

That during this period
Of fiscal growth,

Our company's short
Of expansion capital.

What do you mean?

I need the money
To keep the business going.

Here.

Thanks.

Hi, honey.

Benson,
I have great news.

Last time anybody said that
To me, I lost $.

Huh?
Never mind, daddy.
You had to be there.

Well, back
To the old cookie mine.

Oh, don't they
Grow up fast?

Uh-huh.

She's turned
Into quite a young lady.

Yeah, she sure has.

I'll see you later.

Wait a minute.
I thought you had great news.

Oh, yeah, right.
I forgot to tell you.

You can go home.

What,
Did they catch the guy?
Yeah.

Monday just called,
And it turns out

The guy had nothing to do
With the stigler brothers.

What, was it just
Some random kitchen v*olence?

This guy works
For honest abe cookies.

Well, that doesn't make
Any sense.

Well, yeah, it does.

See, your name is on every bag
Of cookies that katie sells,

And this overzealous employee
Took it on himself

To try and scare you
Out of the business.

And that's why
He wrecked my kitchen?

Well, I didn't say
He was bright.

I said
He was overzealous.

And honest abe apologizes,

And he wants
To make restitution.

Well, that's very good.
Now I can go home.

Tell kraus not to make a plate
For me tonight.

I guess I'll go back

To having dinner
In front of the tv set.

What is today?
Wednesday. What's on?

Oh, "Fall guy"!

All right!

Oh, miss kraus, benson
Won't be eating here tonight.

[ gasps ]
My heart is broken.

I was wondering if I could have
My dinner in front of the tv.

Ah, "Fall guy" is on,
Eh?

Yeah.

You must be lee majors'
Number-one fan.

Oh,
I have always liked him --

"Owen marshall," "Big valley,"
"Six million dollar man."

Whatever he's got,
It works.

Oh, yeah?

Didn't work for farrah.

Governor,
The messenger brought this over

From agent monday's
Office.

Oh,
It must be the picture

Of that guy
That's been bothering benson.

[ laughs ]

A skinny little runt
Like that?

Good night, all.
Hey, clayton,
Look at this.

This is the guy
That's been hassling benson.

Even you
Could b*at him up.

I don't understand.

Agent monday's men
Grabbed him.

He's the fella that ransacked
Benson's kitchen.

Well, you know.
You saw him in the restaurant.

This is not the man
From the restaurant.

Well, then, who's the man
From the restaurant?

He was
From the stigler brothers.

Stigler brothers?

I better call benson

And tell him
That he's still in danger.

[ ringing ]

[ lock rattling ]

Hello.

Ah, nuts.

I'll be damned.

I'm not gonna put up
With this.

Hey, you,
Get in here.

Mr. Dubois.

Yeah.
I want to talk to you.

Sit down over there.

Look, crumb ball...

Sit down!

Now, your boss
Has apologized to me.

He doesn't want you
Doing this.

He didn't say anything
To me.

You know,
You are really stupid.

First of all,
I don't make any cookies here.

I'm not hungry.

Wait a minute,
How did you get out?

I thought the cops
Picked you up.

Look, I don't know
What you're talking about,

And I haven't got all day.

I was supposed to come over here
And rough you up.

Then I got to go over
To west monroe

And rough up this other guy,
And I don't have time to chat.

That's it.

I'm calling your boss.
What's the number?

[ grunts ]

Now you
Have really torn it.

You are in big trouble.

Picking on me
Is one thing,

But this is the property
Of the telephone company,

And those people
Have no sense of humor.

Mr. Dubois, please.

Please don't make it
Tough on me.

Okay, that's it.
I'm through talking to you.

I want you to get out of
My house, and don't come back.

Because if you do,

I will be forced
To take sterner measures.

I don't like
To work like this.

You leave me no choice.

Very cute.

Give me that!

This is a real g*n.
Do you know that?

This is a real g*n!

You don't work for
The cookie company, do you?

This -- I --
Look, I hope you can forgive me.

This has been
A terrible misunderstanding.

Don't move!

Take it easy, dubois!
Don't sh**t!

All right, you, put your hands
Behind your back slow...

Slow...

That's right.

Cuff him.

[ handcuffs lock ]

Take him out.

The guy's a loon.
He keeps talking about cookies.

Who gets this?

I'll take it.
I'll take that.

Whew!

That was very brave
Of you,

Disarming a professional k*ller
Like that.

It wasn't brave at all.

I thought I was disarming
The cookie monster.

Still, if there was more people
Like you,

My job would be
A lot easier.

If there were more people
Like me,

There'd be fewer people
Like him,

And we wouldn't need
People like you at all.

Keep that to yourself.

All right, I got to go downtown
And book this guy.

Thank you, dubois,

And I'll see you in washington
On tuesday.

Okay.
See you, monday.

That's tuesday.

[ laughs ]