05x13 - A Real Gone Daddy

[bunniefuu]

Sorry we're late.

Had to go
For a sex test.

They tested me to see if
The baby is a boy or a girl.

And?
It's a girl!

[ cheering ]
Oh, denise!

You got to come see something
I bought already.

Oh!
What, what, what, what?

A girl, huh?
That's terrific.

Congratulations,
Peter.

A girl. You know, when katie
Was born, she was a girl.

Pete, what is the meaning
Of this memo?

Oh, yeah, it says
You're going to go to florida.

Florida?
Why are you going to florida?

The governor is giving
A commencement address,

And benson's receiving
An honorary degree.

Benson's receiving
An honorary degree?

[ chuckling ] benson's
Receiving an honorary degree.

Who on earth would bestow
An honorary degree on benson?

My alma mater,
Reynolds university,

Is giving benson
An honorary degree --

An honorary doctorate --
In economics.

So, what do you think
About that, benson?

[ chuckling ]
Well, I think it's laughable.

Is your name benson?

You going to do it,
Benson?

Sure, I'm going to do it.
I'd be honored.

I just wish I'd
Known about it sooner.

Hooray,
You made your point.

Don't make a federal case
Out of it.

I don't know
What's with him lately.

But that's
What I'm talking about.

I didn't receive
Any information.

When is this trip
To florida?
The th.

The th?
I find that very short notice.

Well, you're not going,
Clayton.

It's just going to be myself
And benson, pete, and denise.

Denise is going to florida,
And I am not?

I am the chief of staff.

Denise is pete's wife,
And she's pregnant.

Top that.

[ scoffs ]
It's not my fault, governor.

I told them, one room for two,
And two rooms for one.

Well, you should have
Followed up on it.

Not that I mind
Sharing a room with benson,

But it was
Your responsibility.

Yes, sir.

Little foul-ups
Lead to big foul-ups.

Yes, sir.

Oh, pete, our room has
A beautiful view of the ocean.

How about yours, benson?

Well, we can't see the ocean,

But I can see the sea gulls
Circling the garbage dump.

Well, it's only a couple
Of hours till commencement,

So I'm going to
Take a shower.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, did you want to shower,
Benson?

No, go ahead.

Age before beauty.

Boy,
Do I miss this town.

Uh, listen, you two,

I'd like to take a little nap
Before we get ready.

Oh, sure, benson.
Come on, pete.

Hey, wait a minute.

I -- I think this is
The exact same room

That carol laputzky
Announced her engagement in.

Well, squeeze my knees.

I'm surprised there
Isn't a plaque on the door

To commemorate the event.

Out, out.
Come on, pete.

Oh, look!

This place is showing
Two john wayne classics --

"Stagecoach"
Und "The quiet man."

Hey, that's okay with me.
I like john wayne.

He has a cute walk.

Ja, they don't make men
Like john wayne anymore.

Good evening, ladies.

They don't even come close.

Um, here it is,
Another friday night,

And everyone's
Sitting at home.

Oh, we're not.

Katie und I
Are going to the movies.

Really?

Yeah, I-I have an idea.

We could all go together.
I'll treat.

Or you could go home alone
Und save yourself a few bucks.

Fine, I understand.
[ sniffs ]

Let it not be said that
I'm the sort of person

Who forces himself
On people.

All right, all right.
Clayton can come, too.

Great! I'll drive.
Where are we going?

The route drive-in.

A drive-in?
Ja.

I'll go change.
Katie, you better get a sweater.

We're going to a drive-in
And eat popcorn in my car?

Ja, und hot dogs.
And pizza.

Und
Strawberry slushies!

Wait, wait, wait!

Uh, you don't understand.
I have an all-white interior.

I don't even wear shoes
In my car.

After you, dr. Dubois.

Thank you very much,
Young man.

There's no stopping an idea
Whose time has come, huh?

That's really something.
Dr. Benson dubois.

I'm proud of you,
Benson.

Aw, thank you.
I'm exhausted.

All I want to do is hop
Into my p.J.S and hit the sack.

Yeah, me too.

[ french accent ]
Dr. Dubois.

[ chuckling ]
Dr. Dubois.

Monsieur docteur dubois.

[ normal voice ]
How soon they forget.

Governor: what?

Nothing.
[ knock on door ]

Just a minute,
Benson.

No, it's not me.
It's the front door.
Can you get it?

I got it.

Hey, benson!

What is up, pete?

I thought you guys might
Want to go out on the town.

Come on, man!
It'll be fun.

Just us guys hanging out.

No, the governor's getting ready
For bed, and I'm b*at.

Governor: who is it?
It's pete.

[ knock on door ]
You can't come in.
I'm not dressed.

It's not pete.
It's the front door.

I'll get it.
Can you get it?

He's got it.

Excuse me, benson,
Is pete here?

Pete?
It's your wife, denise.

Why are you
Following me?

I'm not following you.
I didn't know where you went.

Yeah, well, now you know.

What is the matter with you,
Pete?

Nothing is
The matter with me.

I'm feeling a little bit
Cooped up. What can I say?

How about "Good night"?

Why don't we go back to the room
And watch some tv, huh?

Yeah,
I'll be right there.

I'm just going to go downstairs
And get a pack of cigarettes.

You don't smoke.

Well, I'll get
A pack of gum.

I chew, don't I?

[ chuckles ]

[ voice breaking ] well,
I'll go back to the room.

Aw, now,
Don't worry, denise.

He'll probably get downstairs
And find out

What a fool he's been,
Come back and apologize.

Yeah,
You're probably right.

[ gasps ] benson...

You don't think the baby
Heard us fighting, do you?

No, I don't.

Just in case,

I'll go back to the room
And explain it to her.

Okay.

[ sighs ]

Oh, I thought there was
Somebody out here.

There was --
Pete and denise.

Did they leave?
No, they're hiding
Under the bed.

What did they want?

Nothing.

They're just having
One of their fights.

What about?
I don't know!

It's none of my business!

Well,
Don't bite my head off.

I just wondered
If we could help.

Yes, we can help.

We can go to sleep

And then wake up first thing
In the morning

And mind our own
Business!

[ door slams ]

[ moaning ]

♪ take me out
To the ball game ♪

♪ take me out
With the crowd ♪

♪ buy me some peanuts
And cr*cker jack ♪

♪ I don't care
If I never get back ♪

♪ let me root, root, root
For the home team ♪

♪ if they don't win,
It's a shame ♪

♪ and it's one, two, three
Strikes, you're out ♪
Hey! Hey!

♪ at the old ball game ♪

Yay! Yay!

[ knocking on door ]

What now?

[ knocking continues ]

Oh.

Jeez.

Ugh.

[ sighs ]

[ gasps ]

Benson?

What is it, denise?!

Pete hasn't come back
To the room yet.

Well, come on in.
[ sighs ]

[ yawns ]

I guess
You better sit down.

And now
Our national anthem.

I guess
You better stand up.

♪ o canada ♪

♪ our brave
And day-dee-dum ♪

They must be playing
In montreal.

I'm so worried about pete.

Aw, calm down, denise.

Small college town
Like this,

Nothing ever happens
To anybody.

Okay,
Thank you very much.

The desk clerk says that there
Are about half a dozen joints

Up there around the college
That stay open all night,

And I thought I'd go
And check them out.
I'll go with you.

Well,
Maybe we should all go.

No, you should stay here in case
Pete calls or comes back.

Good idea.

I'll be in my room.
Okay.

Okay, benson, come on, come on.
Let's get going here.

Shake a leg.

Aw, governor,
Would you wait just a minute?

Do you mind if I get
Some clothes on?!

You are really cranky,
You know that?

Didn't you get any sleep?

Hold on! No!

How could I
Get any sleep?

You sang "Take me out
To the ball game" all night

And "O canada"!

Was that me?

In my dream,
It was rosemary clooney.

[ door slams ]

Oh, they just don't
Make movies

Like that "Quiet man"
Anymore.

John wayne, oh,
Maureen o'hara.

Who wants some ice cream?

Oh, sounds good to me.

Why don't we take it out
To the parking lot

And eat it in my car?

Oh, clayton,
You're such a party pooper.

I have strawberry slushy
All over my tape deck.

That wouldn't have happened
If you hadn't grabbed my knee.

I was reaching
For a napkin

To wipe your greasy fingerprints
Off my windshield.

Well, I was trying
To get that fly.

Why, didn't you have enough
To eat?

One more smart remark
Like that,

Und you'll be picking teeth
Out of your tonsils.

Why do you guys
Have to fight all the time?

Oh, liebchen,
It's not just us.

Men und women
Have been fighting

Since eve got dumped on
By adam.

That's not the way
It was!

So, what are you,
Some kind of bible scholar?

As a matter of fact,

I happen to be fairly
Knowledgeable about the bible,

As well as the talmud
And the koran.

Oh, ja?

Well, I got bucks says
You can't name the books

Of the old testament.

Genesis, exodus, leviticus,
Numbers, deuteronomy,

Joshua, judges, ruth,
samuel, samuel,

kings, kings,
chronicles, chronicles,

Ezra, nehemiah, esther,
Job, psalms...

Excuse me,
We're looking for a man.

You want the bar
Next door.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
We're looking for a friend.

Aren't we all?

You don't understand.

We're looking
For this guy

Because his wife
Is worried sick about him.

That's a very righteous thing
To do, man.

Thank you.
Anyway, the guy is about ...

You guys are cops,
Right?

Uh, no, I'm a governor,
And he's a budget director.

Great line.

You guys must really score
With the chicks, huh?

Oh, well,
Benson does pretty well,

But I'm more
Of a homebody.

Can we get back to the subject?
This guy is about this --

Listen, man,
I think I can help you out.

Stick around.

But right now,
I got to introduce the show.

So if you dig jazz,
You'll dig this.

Hmm.

You think this will
Take long, benson?

No, that guy has got to be back
In his coffin by sunrise.

And now...

The end-of-the-road coffeehouse
Takes great pleasure

In presenting...

The new poet laureate
Of the saxophone

And a real bad dude,
Mr. Pork chop downey.

[ weak applause ]

Pork chop downey?

We better stick around.

[ coughing ]

[ clears throat ]

Life is like
The post office.

If you don't put in
A change of address,

They mail it to somebody else.

[ saxophone plays off-key ]

Postage due.

[ saxophone plays off-key ]

Where am I?

Who am I?

What am I?

Where am I,
Who am I, what am I?

The mailman wants to know.

[ saxophone plays off-key ]

[ weak applause ]

Listen to those sounds,
Benson.

Have you ever heard anything
Like that?

Yeah, one time
When my nephew

Vacuumed a parakeet
Out of its cage.

[ silence ]

Uh, uh, excuse me.

What is this?

This is a number he calls
"Silence."

Well, so far,
It's my favorite.

[ applause ]
Yes!

Benson, governor.

What are you doing,
Pete?

No, hey, pete is gone.
I'm pork chop.

You're pork brain.

What are you doing?
Denise is worried sick.

Hey, I can't go back there,
Baby.

[ clicks tongue ]
I'm not that guy anymore.

What guy?

That guy with the,
Uh, wife and the suit

And the kid on the way.

Well, what do you expect
Denise to do?

[ sighs ]
I don't know.

Um, I love her, but --

Hey, chop.

You're a little tardy
For the next set, man.

Oh, yo, baby.

Uh, I'll catch you guys later,
Okay?

I think we better call
Denise.

I think we better call
A psychiatrist.

Excuse me.

Is there a phone
Somewhere?

Yeah.

Uh, could you tell me
Where it is?

Go up the stairs,
Out the door, hang a left.

Yeah.

When you get to the end of
The street, take a right.

Keep going straight till you get
To the roller rink.

Word is,
They got a phone.

Thank you.

Man, this guy is growing mold
Between his ears.

And pete, god only knows
Where he is.

I'll go call denise.
You keep an eye on pete.

No, wait a minute.
You keep an eye on pete.

I'll call denise.

I'll tell you what,
Pick a number from one to .

Seven.

You were so close.

[ saxophone plays off-key ]

Oh! I got here
As quickly as I could.

Where's pete?

What's he doing?

He's doing
The breaststroke.

No, I mean,
What's he doing?

Visual poetry.

He calls it
"Birth of a sax man."

Sit down, denise.

Benson, why don't you tell pete
That denise is here?

Pete?

Denise is here.

I can't talk to her.

Everybody out of the pool!

Benson,
You're ruining my act.

Ladies and gentlemen,
How about it

For pete "Pork chop" downey?

[ applause ]

And now mr. Downey will attempt
A very difficult song,

"How to make up
With your old lady."

Hi, pete.

Hey, man.

Could you guys please
Leave us alone for a minute?

Yeah, I can do that.
How about you, governor?

I think so.

What's going on here,
Pete?

I'll tell you
What's going on here.

I woke up this morning,

I realized I was this close
To buying a station wagon.

I didn't know
You wanted a station wagon.

Denise, I'm scared.

A family, a kid --
It's a big responsibility.

I've never been
A father before.

I don't know
If I can handle it.

You think you're
The only one who's scared?

I've never been
A mother before.

You're scared, too?

Sure.

What the hell
Are we going to do?

Well, we are going to do
What parents have done

For thousands of years
Before us.

We going to
Muddle through.

We're going to make mistakes.
We'll feel inadequate.

Sometimes we'll feel
Totally lost.

Hey, this isn't
Cheering me up.

I didn't come here
To cheer you up.

I came here
To take you home.

Even after
What I've done?

Pete, I love you.

Let's just chalk this up
To temporary insanity.

[ sighs ]

I love you, too, denise.

Let's go home.

[ chuckles ]

[ clears throat ]

The check.

Oh.
I'll get it, benson.

Oh, I left all my money
At the hotel.

That's okay.
I'll get it.

I don't have
Any money either.

Maybe we'll have to
Wash dishes.

I don't think
They do that here.

What are we going to do,
Benson?

Maybe one of us could go up
There and recite poetry.

[ chuckles ]
A good idea. Go ahead.

No, you go.

Tell you what,
Pick a number from one to .

[ chuckles ]

Six.

You are so lucky.