05x18 - Beauty and the Beef

[bunniefuu]

What are you doing
In here?

I'm gonna get
A cup of coffee.

Well,
Get it und get out.

I don't want you lollygagging
Around my kitchen.

Okay.

I don't want to
Hang around here anyway.

If I could get coffee
Somewhere else, I would.

Would you just get out?

Would it bother you
If I stayed?

Yeah.

Good.

Oh, benson,
Just the man I want to see.

Is he here yet?

Any minute.
Ooh!

Today is
Your lucky day.

I can see that gleam
In your eye, pete.

You want me to do
Some dumb talk show

Or some useless interview.

Dumb? Useless?

That's what you think
Of the work I do, huh?

Fine, I'll get somebody else
To judge the beauty pageant.

Beauty pageant?

On the other hand,
If you need some help...

I'll tell them
That you accept.

Accept what?

The nobel prize. Don't tell me
You didn't get one.

He's gonna be a judge

At the miss capital city
Beauty pageant.

And you're not.

The sacrifices I make
For this job.

Right, right.

You stick
With that story.

I think the whole idea of a
Beauty pageant is disgusting.

Thank you,
Miss sour grapes.

He's here! He's here!

Just act natural.

Hi, gretchen.

Hi, denise.

Hi, buck.
Hi, buck.

There you go.

Thank you, buck.

My pleasure, gretchen.

You look real nice today.

Oh, well.

I'll catch you
In two weeks.

If you need me for anything,
My number's on the cooler.

[ sighs ] [ sighs ]

Really.

The two of you.

I find this kind
Of behavior revolting.

Oh, really?

Really.

Oh, it's okay for you guys
To do it, huh?

Well, thank you, kraus, for
The coffee and the floor show.

What do you mean?

What do I mean?
You and denise. Blech!

You have no room to talk,
Benson.

At least I have
Some personal interest in buck.

You just want to look
At pretty girls.

That's right, there's
Nothing wrong with looking.

Right, und there's wrong
With me looking at gorgeous men.

That's right. That's right.
Go right ahead.

Just don't frighten them.

Benson, benson.

Tell me honestly.

Do you think
I'm too old for buck?

Well,
It's none of my business...

But, yeah.

I just keep wondering

What a man like buck
Sees in someone like me.

I haven't the foggiest idea.

Guess I'm feeling
A little insecure.

See, he's not the kind of guy
Who usually falls for me.

You're just as desirable
As the next woman.

[ knock on door ]

Hi.

Well,
Maybe the next one.

Hello.

Eh.

I'm getting out of here
While my ego is still intact.

Excuse me.

Okay, ladies,
Just come right in here

And make yourself
C-c-comfortable.

Hiya, benson.

[ chuckles nervously ]

♪ I'm popeye
The sailor man ♪

So, who are all your friends,
Pete?

Well, these are
Some of the contestants,

And I'm showing them
Around the city.

This is
Mr. Benson dubois.

Let's have
A big "Miss capital city" smile.

My, my, my.

Look at
All those lovely teeth.

Benson, listen,
I was wondering if you...

Oh, my goodness,
This is wonderful!

Still waters run deep.

Still waters run fast.

Benson,
Do you know estelle?

Apparently
Not as well as you do.

Are you in this
Beauty pageant?

Yes.
I'm miss lumber merchants.

[ both laugh ]

How about that?

Estelle's father
Is my old navy buddy.

Good old reggie.

He saved my life
In okinawa.

Did I ever tell you
That story?

Well, I got to get
These girls moving.

No, no, no.
You will love this story.

Benson --

Benson.

Uh, benson,
I, uh, was just passing by

On my way
To the hardware store.

I thought I'd stop by
And see if you needed anything.

Well, come to think of it,
Clayton,

Why don't you pick me up
A bucket of grout?

Well, girls, there's an awful
Lot of sights left to see,

So let's get back
To that bus.

Give my love
To your daddy.

I will.

Excuse me...

But you look
Awfully familiar.

That's a very old line.

Uhh...

But I don't care.

You're kind of cute.

[ clears throat ]

Well, when you got it...

You got it.

Reggie potter's little girl.

Imagine that.

I owe my life to him,
You know.

Yeah,
You mentioned that.

Boy, she has turned into
Quite a beauty, hasn't she?

She certainly has.

Wouldn't it be nice
If she won?

Well, let's keep
Our fingers crossed.

Oh, I just remembered.

You're gonna be
One of the judges. Right?.

Oh, I just remembered.

I got to get a card.
Today is buckwheat's birthday.

Talk to you later.

Benson, benson.

Mind if I join you?

Yes.

Good.

Benson, there are a couple
Of things we should discuss.

What things?

Oh, you know, business,

Philosophical ramifications
Of the fiscal year,

Nuclear proliferation...

Tawny.

What's a tawny?

Tawny...
From the beauty pageant,

The one
Who's crazy about me.

Oh, clayton, you know I can't
Discuss any of the contestants.

Of course.

I understand.

And I respect your integrity.

Good.

You're a man of honor.
Thank you.

Anything special
You want for your birthday?

Clayton, I know you think
Of the pageant as a joke,

But I can assure you that the
Contestants take it seriously,

The organizers
Take it seriously,

And I take it
Very seriously.

[ snickers ]

Come on, benson.

This isn't
A presidential election.

I mean, people rig
Those contests all the time.

You know, I've always
Thought of you as a jerk...

But I see I'll have to
Revise my opinion.

You're a weasel.

Fine, fine.

Ruin my mid-life.

You don't have a mid-life.

Hi, benson.

Hi, katie.

Why aren't you
In school?

I wasn't feeling
Too good.

What's the matter?

[ sighs ]

Benson,
Do you think I'm beautiful?

Sure!

But isn't this a talk you should
Be having with your dad?

I can't.

Anytime I bring up anything
That has to do with sex,

Dad gets jumpy.

Well,
Talk to miss kraus.

Well, maybe not.

It's about
The beauty contest.

What about
The beauty contest?

Well, I don't know.
It's all kind of confusing.

I mean, beauty contests are,
You know, kind of gross.

But I think it would be neat
To be miss america.

Yeah, well,
I know what you mean, katie.

A lot of people think that
Beauty pageants are stupid.

Don't you?

Not really.

I think it's a chance
For those girls

To get a college scholarship,
Maybe get a career started.

I don't think people have a
Right to question their motives.

Then how come people
Are always putting them down?

I don't know.

I don't have
All the answers.

You did when I was .

That's 'cause the questions
Were simpler.

Katie,
What are you doing down here?

You're supposed
To be upstairs sick.

I was just talking
To benson.

Thanks, benson.
Sure.

What,
Are you expecting an army?

Buck is coming over
For lunch.

For lunch?

Looks more like he's coming over
For the winter.

He happens to have
A very hearty appetite.

Well, he should.
He's a growing boy.

Is that a cr*ck
About my age?

Oh, come on, kraus, if you're
Gonna date these children,

You can't be
All that sensitive about it.

Yeah,
I guess you're right.

Benson...

Do you think
We have a chance?

Not as long
As you're seeing buck.

You know what I mean.

I think buck likes me,
Und I like him,

But we are
From two different worlds.

Yeah, buck's from earth.

Would you get serious?

I mean, for instance,
He likes to boogie.

I like to waltz.

He likes french fries.

I like french food.

He likes you. You like him.

What is your point?

Ah, I don't know.

Maybe I'm making too much
Out of this.

It could be he's just
Looking for a friend.

You can analyze
One of these relationships

Right out of existence.

Right, right.

If a buddy is what he wants,
That's what I'll be.

I'll just be his buddy.

Good plan, kraus.

Just be his buddy.

Oh, and, gretchen?

Ja?

If you have other needs,
You know where I am.

Hi there, gretchen.

Buck, you're early.

Lunch isn't ready yet.

Well, that's okay.
Um, listen.

I, um, was just kind of
Thinking that, uh --

What is it, buck?

I'm not real good
With words.

Is something wrong?

No, I just -- well, I --
Aw, hell.

Gee, the buddy system has
Changed since I was a scout.

Oh, benson,
Am I glad to see you!

I have to talk to you
About buck.

Who d*ed
And made me dear abby?

No, no, no.

This is not a problem.

This is good news.

Thank god.

What happened?

I have decided to dump buck.

Congratulations.

Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

Don't you want to know why
I'm dumping him?

Not really.

Well,
I don't want you thinking

I am just doing this
On a whim.

I'm not thinking
About you at all.

See, once we got past
All that physical stuff,

I realized I was only doing this
For my own ego.

I don't want to spend the rest
Of my life with this guy.

Mmm. No, no.

Well, I'm sure you've made
The right decision, kraus.

Can I go
To my office now?

In a minute!
In a minute!

I'm gonna tell him tonight
At the governor's reception.

I just have to think
Of a delicate way of doing it.

Well, I have a suggestion.

You could resign,
Leave town...

And never be heard from again.

You'd like that,
Wouldn't you?

Very much.

Well, eat your heart out.

It's not going to happen.

I've got to get out more,
Meet some normal people.

Hi, benson.

Too late.

Listen, benson, I had
A really interesting thought.

If I had d*ed in the w*r,
I wouldn't be governor today.

So?

So if I weren't governor,
You wouldn't be budget director.

So?

So in a sense,
You could say

That we both owe our jobs
To estelle's dad, reggie potter.

And if reggie potter
Were in the competition,

I'd be tempted
To vote for him.

I'll see you later.

I'm just not
Getting through to him.

[ imitating scarlett o'hara ]
And...And...

And as god as my witness,

I'll never
Go hungry again.

[ applause ]

Isn't she something,
Huh?

Personally she looked
Pretty well-fed to me.

Oh,
He'll pay for that.

What did you think
Of estelle's talent?

The girl can juggle.

Well, it's not
How she juggles

As much as
What she juggles.

You're right.

I've never seen anyone
Juggle frozen chickens.

Keep that in mind
When you're marking your ballot.

I certainly will.

Well, it looks like they're
Ready backstage, and so am I.

So...The swimsuit competition.

Maestro?

[ band plays soft music ]

[ cheers and applause ]

I just can't wait
Any longer.

Buck, I --
I have to talk to you.

Go ahead, gretchen.

Uh...Buck, could you look at me
When I talk to you?

Could you use both eyes?

What is it, gretchen?

Oh, never mind.

I'll tell you later.

Well...That ends
Our swimsuit competition.

Let's hear it, huh?

[ applause ]

Oh, yes.

How come they never have girls
Like that where I swim?

Oh, that's gonna cost him
One microwave oven.

Okay.

Now, this next part
Of the contest

Gives our contestants a chance
To express themselves

On issues of the day,

And it gives our judges a final
Chance to make their decisions.

Let's start
With miss downtown retailers,

And here she is -- tawny sands.

[ applause ]

Hi, tawny.

Now, tawny,
Here's your question --

"How would you achieve
World peace?"

Thank you, pete.

I think
We could achieve world peace

If people of all nations
Would just hold hands.

All right, so she'll never work
For the state department.

Because if you're
Holding somebody's hand,

You can't be holding a g*n.

Makes as much sense as anything
Alexander haig ever said.

[ applause ]

[ soft piano music playing ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

Well, ladies, in spite of
The results, you're all winners.

I'm having some fun now.

Hello, governor.

Benson...I didn't see you.

You didn't see me?

You must be upset
Because estelle didn't win.

Why should I be upset?

What's done is done.

And you did it.

I've tried to maintain
A sense of humor

About this estelle business,

But I got to say
You're out of line.

I beg your pardon.

No, I mean it.
You're out of line.

Wait a minute.
I don't think you understand.

I understand perfectly.

You wanted me to sway this
Contest in favor of estelle.

I expect that sort of thing
From clayton, but not from you.

I'm like clayton?

That's really a low blow.

I was just trying
To help a friend.

By using a friend?

Yeah, I guess
That's what I was doing.

You angry with me?

Do I look happy?

I'm really sorry, benson.

Like you said,
I was out of line.

I'll go congratulate
The winner.

Actually, the redhead
Was my first choice, too.

Hi.

Could I ask you a favor?
What's up?

I'm taking off.

Tell gretchen for me.

She's in the kitchen.

Tell her yourself.

Oh, I can't do that.
Tawny is the jealous type.

Tawny?

Yeah,
We really hit it off.

She's the one
I'm leaving with.

Um, see you around
The water cooler.

[ laughs ]

That does it.
I'm getting out of here.

Benson,
Have you seen buck?

So close to freedom.

Uh...Kraus,
Can we go somewhere private?

In your dreams, loverboy.

Look, I don't know how
To tell you this,

So I'm gonna tell you
Straight out.

Buck took off
With another woman.

Oh, how could he
Do this to me?

Just when I was getting ready
To break the bad news to him.

Well, kraus, I'm sorry.

I know how you must feel.

I mean, just once
I would like to be the dumper

Instead of the dumpee.

Kraus,
Look at the bright side.

For once, you dealt with
A relationship like an adult.

When things didn't go right,

You thought it through
And made the right decision.

That should make you
Feel good.

Yeah.

Now you mention it, I do feel
Pretty good about myself.

Eh? See?

You know something,
Benson?

It's ironic.

You are the only man I've ever
Been able to open up to,

To share
My private thoughts with.

Und yet...

I don't really like you.

Somehow I wish you did.

Oh, really? Why?

Well, you know, then we could
Get to know each other,

Spend some time together,

And then...
Yeah?

When we were really close...
Yeah?

I could dump you.