06x01 - The Scandal

[bunniefuu]

[ birds chirping ]

Hello.

Is this big bob's videoland?

This is gretchen kraus.

I want to rent
A movie tape for the weekend.

Good morning.

Can the chatter!
I'm on the phone!

Yeah.

I want
"An officer und a gentleman."

But she'll settle
For a sailor and a six-pack.

Oh. Oh!
That's great!

I'll pick it up
This afternoon.

Thank you!

Hot damn!
[ laughs ]

Another weekend
In front of the tv.

Well, ever since you got
That videotape machine,

You haven't stepped outside.

Well, why should I go out
On dates with losers

When I can bring movie stars
Into the privacy of my own home?

Hmm.

In that case, maybe you
Should get "Star trek."

Those guys love to go
Where no man has gone before.

You better watch it, buster.

"Star trek iv" could be
"The search for benson."

Benson, benson, benson.

Clayton, clayton, clayton.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I'm glad to see
You're in a jovial mood.

You're gonna need
A sense of humor

When the governor
Gets ahold of you.

What are you bellyaching
About now?

The civic center project.

He's a little ticked off

About the marathon brothers
Construction

Running over budget
Yet again.

Clayton, the governor
Does not hold me responsible

For those cost overruns.

Don't be too sure...

Mr. Budget director.

[ laughs ]

Do you like him?

No. He's all yours.

Good morning, governor.

Good morning,
Lieutenant governor.

Nice to see you
Again, bronson.

For the hundredth time --
Benson!

Well, I'll get it right
By the time I need your vote.

You can have him, too.

I hate to cut
Into your social hour, benson.

I have a little problem.
Have you read this?

No.

"State construction
Costs skyrocket.

Gatling denies mismanagement."

Wow. They gave it to us
With both barrels, huh?

"Us"?!

Uh, what do you mean, "Us,"
Kemo sabe?!

Where in there
Does it say "Benson"?

The press is blaming me!

Hey, everybody!
We got great news!

Yeah! Little pete
Got his first tooth!

Governor,
With all due respect --

Oh, can it, benson!

I've had it up to here
With your double-talk!

Just what are you
Accusing me of?

You awarded several very
Important state contracts

To marathon brothers
Construction,

And they went
Over budget every time.

Governor, I had no choice.
Marathon gave the lowest bid.

Aw! Wasn't that
A coincidence?!

And who had charge
Of those sealed bids?

Well, you know damn well
Who had charge.

Yeah. I certainly do.

And I am tired of covering up
For your incompetence.

Me? Incompetent?

Well, if that isn't the pot
Calling the kettle black.

Don't you try to make
A racial thing out of this.

For goodness' sakes, governor,
Don't be so stupid.

Uh, who'd like
Some fresh crumb cake?

"Stupid"?!

The only stupid thing
I ever did

Was appoint
You budget director.

And the only stupid thing
I've ever done

Was accept
Your stupid appointment.

I just realized,

I don't want you to be
My budget director anymore.

And I don't want you to be
My governor anymore, either.

I quit.

Nobody quits
On eugene x. Gatling.

More bad news, governor.

You're fired!

Uh, uh, uh...

Well, that's fine by me!

What are
You all looking at?

Governor?

Governor gatling?

Governor!

Governor?

Psst! Benson!

Huh?

Oh, I'm so glad
You're here.

What took you so long?

What are you talking about?

It's been exactly minutes
Since you called me.

Gee, you're
In a rotten mood.

For : in the morning,
This is a good mood.

What's going on?

Well, I have
Some important news for you.

Why do we have
To meet in an alley?

Benson, if I went to your place
Or you came to my place,

People would know
That I hadn't really fired you.

Why couldn't you tell me this
On the telephone?

Benson, the whole idea
Of your going undercover

Is to keep
Our plans a secret.

What if the bad guys
Had bugged your telephone?

Well, then they'd know
We're meeting in an alley.

That's a good point.

So, what's so important?

Well, I have been called
Out of town unexpectedly.

I'll be gone two days.

And that's it?

Yeah.

Well, have a good time.

Oh. Oh, thank you.

No! Wait! Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Uh, I want you to postpone
The meeting with...

You know who
Until I get back.

Well, it's too late.

I got an appointment with
The marathon brothers tomorrow.

Don't say the name!

What?
Did they bug the alley?

Listen, benson, you know,
What really gets me

Is the thought that
My own lieutenant governor

Has been passing information
To those birds.

I know, but there's nothing
We can do about it

Until we get
Some hard evidence.

I'm very tired.
I'm going home.

Wait a minute.

I got something
I want to give you.

A fountain pen?

No, actually,
It's a miniature tape recorder

Disguised
As a fountain pen.

Mm-hmm.
Well, how's it work?

You just twist this to
The left, and it's ready to go.

The antenna is optional.

Thank you.

The attorney general said if we
Can get those birds on tape,

We've got them cold.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, and I've got
A little spy camera

For you here.

Good, good.

And some rubber bands.

Rubber bands.
Mm-hmm.

And what am I gonna do
With these?

Well, my grandfather
Always said,

"No matter
How prepared the man,

He can always use
A rubber band."

Sounds to me
Like your grandfather

Could have used
A rubber room.

No, actually,
It was my uncle harry

Who could use
The rubber room.

He thought
He was eleanor roosevelt.

Did I ever tell you
That story?

No. Why don't you tell me
In the car?

No.
Oh, I can't.

We mustn't be seen
Leaving together.

Oh, what a shame.
I'll miss the story.

Good night.

Ah, mr. Dubois,
I'm glad you could come.

I'm augie marathon.
This is my brother gus.

You're late.

Nice meeting you, too.

Please sit down.

I understand
Governor gatling

Has greatly maligned
Your reputation.

Is that why you guys
Invited me here --

To help me relive
Unpleasant moments?

You're wasting my time.

Stay, please.

Gus, gus...

Please sit.

Mr. Dubois,

I have a proposition
To make you a very rich man.

Really?
Hey, I'm all ears.

We need someone
Who has expertise

In the area
Of multimillion-dollar

Government
Construction projects.

What are you talking about?

Well, like the new
Airport-expansion job

You've been working on.

Do go on.

What are you doing
With that pen?

What?

Oh.

Nothing. This is, uh,
It's just a...Nervous habit.

Well, cut it out because
It's making me nervous.

We need to see
The sealed bids...

...Submitted
By our competition

For the new airport-expansion
Project.

So, what do you want me
To do?

We want you to steal them.

Well, what you're asking me
To do is illegal.

Just think of it

As a, uh, aggressive
Marketing technique.

I don't know.

I've never done
Anything like this before.

You got anybody on the inside
Who could help me out?

Who says we already got
A guy on the inside?

Oh, well, I just assumed

That you've used this
Marketing technique in the past.

Well, you assume too much.

I think
We've misjudged you.

Thanks for your time.
Goodbye.

Oh, come on, fellas.

Don't get your pinstripes
In a knot.

I'm just having...

First-felony jitters.

Do I take that to mean that
Our business proposition

Is acceptable to you?

Yeah, yeah.
I'll steal the papers.

[ chuckles ]

I'll have them for you
In a couple of days.

Tonight.
Tonight?

The governor's out of town.

That should make it
A lot easier for you

To break into his office.

You guys really know your
Marketing techniques, don't you?

[ laughter ]

One bit of advice, dubois --
Don't disappoint us.

Do you know what we do
To employees who disappoint us?

You guys really get cranky

When you get disappointed,
Don't you?

[ exhales deeply ]

[ door opens,
Footsteps approach ]

Benson!
I knew I heard somebody.

Oh, benson!

I've missed you,
You big palooka.

Oh, and I have missed
You, too.

If you ask me,
You got a raw deal.

Well, I certainly appreciate
The sentiments, kraus,

But I got
To be running along.

What are you
Doing here, anyway?

Nothing, nothing.

What is this?
What? What?

This.
Let me see that.

"Confidential
Government papers."

Benson.

Benson!

Oh, it's not what
You're thinking, kraus.

I think you are trying
To steal these papers.

Okay, so
It's what you're thinking.

I can't believe

You have turned
Against your own government.

You are nothing
But a lowdown sneaky spy.

Oh, kraus,
Don't be so dramatic.

Let me explain.

Spy!!

Why do I always end up
With this woman in my arms?

Okay, kraus.

Now, if I take my hand away,
Do you promise not to scream?

[ muffled ] mm-hmm.
Okay.

[ normal voice ] help!

You lied to me.

Aah! You lied to me,
And you bit me!

Now I'll have to get
A rabies sh*t.

At least let me explain.

Okay. So start talking.

In the first place,
The governor didn't fire me.

Come on!
Don't give me that malarkey!

I saw him fire you.

No! That was part
Of the plan.

I'm working undercover
On a secret project.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah. I'm sure.

That makes sense to me.

Spy!

Kraus, shut your mouth!

Think!

Have I ever lied to you?

No.

All you ever did
Was insult me.

All right!
What's going on in here?!

Oh. Benson.
What are you doing here, buddy?

Hey, clayton!
Come on. It's only benson.

I was -- I was
Just guarding the hallway

In case
Someone tried to escape.

What's going on here?

Oh, nothing.

"Nothing" is not
A sufficient answer.

It -- it's time
That they learn the truth.

No, let's just keep this
Our little secret.

Not any longer.

Well,
It's between you and me.

The truth is that,
For the past five years,

Benson und I have been having
A secret, uh, fling.

Uh...

"A fling"?

Uh, you mean a-an affair?

You mean,
Y-you and benson?

Wow.

Wait till denise
Hears about this.

[ stammering ]

I had no idea.

It's a surprise
To everyone.

Well, I always kind of
Suspected it myself.

Und now, if you would be
So kind as to leave us alone.

Yeah. We, uh, have
To take advantage

Of every stolen moment.

Have fun.

I'm leaving.

Uh...

Are you gonna give me
That love letter...

Sugar shorts?

Oh, well. Ja.

I guess so.

Thanks, kraus.
I owe you one.

[ snickers ]

Clayton, get your mind
Out of the gutter.

You've done
Very well, dubois.

Welcome to the family.

Thank you.

Hey. Who says
Crime doesn't pay?

[ laughter ]

I like this guy.

Mr. Marathon?
Mr. Marathon?

Your next appointment

Is on his way up
In the private elevator.

Thanks, rita.

If you'll excuse us,
Mr. Dubois,

We have a meeting with
Another member of our family.

Oh. I don't have
To rush right off.

I'll call you when we got
Something for you.

Okay. Okay.

I'll be on my way...
[ chuckles ]

...In the private elevator.

If you don't mind,

We'd like you to take
The, uh, public elevator.

Oh. But I like the decor
In the private elevator so much.

Gus.

How would you like
To be the decor

In the private elevator?

He has a way with words.

[ laughter ]

Excuse me, uh...

Rita, right?

Yeah.

Well, I just,
Uh, wanted to say "Hi,"

And tell you
That I'm part of the family now.

Terrific.

So, uh, how long
You been with us, rita?

What is this?
questions?

Oh. [ chuckles ]

Sorry. Sorry.
Back to business.

Actually,
What I wanted to do

Was leave a message
For the guy in the office.

Uh, what's his name...

You mean gus?
No.

Augie?
No.

The guy that just came up
In the elevator.

What is his name?

[ chuckling ]
Oh, I know his name,

But you obviously don't.

I'm going
On my coffee break.

When I get back,
You better be history.

[ door closes ]

I'd give big money

To see her
Go five rounds with kraus.

Whew.

[ horns honking ]

I ought
To have my head examined.

Well...

[ grunts ]

...Don't look down, fool.

Gum?

Who leaves gum
On a ledge floors up?

[ grunts ]

[ indistinct conversation ]

Augie:
How much we talking?

,!
I was expecting a little more.

Hey, jerry, we got expenses,
Too, you know?

Yeah. Last week
Was mother's day.

Maybe I can get
A picture of these clowns.

Well, I guess
I can safely assume

That I have lost
The element of surprise.

Hey, dubois!
What are you doing out there?!

I can see my condo
From here.

I was getting
Some pictures.

You know,
For insurance purposes.

You set us up!

We got
To get that camera.

If anyone sees that picture,
I'm through.

The next picture of you
Is gonna be a mug sh*t!

Get out of here,
Decker.

We'll take care
Of this bum.

I'm warning you,
Don't come out here!
Why not?

There's gum on the ledge.

I'm coming
To get you, dubois!

Fine!
Ruin your shoes!

Give me that camera!
No! No!

Hold it right there
Or I'm gonna sh**t.

You're bluffing.
You ain't even got a g*n.

Yeah?
I got a rubber band.

Ow! I'm hit!

Hey! You could have put
His eye out!

Now you're a dead man.

Get back in there!
Get! Get back in there!

Get!

Augie: I'm coming
For you, dubois.

Oh, yeah? Yeah?

Okay.

Gus, I'm blind!
I can't see!

Ohh! Aah!

Somebody help me!

Hang on, gus.
I'm coming.

Hang on!

Hurry up!
I'm slipping!

Well, okay.
Okay. All right.

Aah!

Okay. Listen.

Hold it.
I'm not a crane, gus.

Hey, augie!
Get over here quick!

I'm coming!
Come on!

I'm coming!
I'm coming!

I'm here.
I'm here.

You got him?

[ straining ]
Yeah, I got him.

Good. Good.

Yeah. Good.

You guys
Won't be needing me.

Wait! You're not gonna leave us
Out here, are you?

Aw, now.
Well, yeah, I got to run.

I got to get these pictures

Over to the
Attorney general's office.

What's gonna happen to us?

Oh, well, I imagine
When he sees them,

You guys are gonna be
In big trouble.

No! I mean,
What if I lose my grip on gus?

Then only
You will be in big trouble.

Gus will be a big spot
On the sidewalk.