06x02 - The Inheritance

[bunniefuu]

Well, so,
What do you think?

I think the article
Is an excellent presentation

Of your stand
On women's rights.

Good, 'cause when all
Is said and done,

I want the women
Of this state

To be able to
Stand up proudly

And say that
I was one politician

Who didn't prefer
One sex over the other.

You sure that's
What you want them to say?

Well,
You know what I mean.

Right, right, right.

I feel every thinking person
Should be in favor

Of equal rights
For both men and women.

[ knock on door ]

Excuse me, governor.

And everyone in between.

He's in here!

Hey, benson, some guy
Is wandering around the halls

Looking for you.

Some guy is wandering
Around the halls looking for me?

Yeah, he's kind of cute...
For a lawyer.

A lawyer?
This can't be good news.

Ah, good morning,
Gentlemen.

Good morning.
This is governor gatling.

Good morning.

Hi.

I'm arthur krank.
Are you benson dubois?

Maybe.

I represent
Playbird magazine.

Oh. Well,
You mean the one with...

Yes, the amusements
For the modern male.

Sit down, mr. Krank.

Thank you, governor.
Let me start at the beginning.

Mr. Dubois,
I am the executor

For the estate
Of the late hugh howard.

And?
And you have been named
In his will.

Oh, yeah?
I don't even know the guy.

Why would he name me
In his will?

Do you remember traveling
Between kansas city and chicago

In a green-and-white packard
In the fall of ?

[ laughs ] hell, man,
I don't even remember .

Well, apparently,
You stopped

To help a penniless,
Ragged bum

Lying on the side of the road
With a broken leg.

Do you remember that?

Yeah,
That sounds familiar.

Are you trying to tell me that
That bum was hugh howard?

Not at all.

But it was
Mr. Howard's limousine,

Which, moments before,

Had run over the bum,
Breaking his leg.

Mr. Howard became aware
Of your good deeds

During the lawsuit
That followed.

He wanted to reward
Your good deeds in his will.

You're kidding.
What did he leave me?

His magazine.

Now, I'll just
Need your signature here,

Accepting
The inheritance.

A whole magazine.
Hmm. What a generous guy.

Just relax, benson.
This is a first issue.

This could be
A collector's item.

It is. Mr. Howard wanted you
To have it as a symbol.

A symbol of what?
A symbol
Of the magazine.

Well, this is the magazine,
Isn't it?

We don't seem
To be communicating here.

I must admit,
I got a little lost.

Yeah, why don't you
Go over it slowly, mr. Krank?

Mr. Dubois, you have
Inherited playbird magazine.

Say what?

You don't mean
This particular edition.

You mean the magazine.

Now we're communicating.

Well, I'm still lost.

It's very simple,
Really.

Mr. Dubois has
Inherited the publishing company

And the nightclub --
The playbird nest.

You lucky dog!

[ chuckles ]

This is a joke, right?

No, no. No joke.

Who put you up to this?

Nobody.

From now on, as far as playbird
Enterprises is concerned,

You, mr. Dubois,
Are the big bird.

Will you
Look at this place?

Are you sure
I own it?

I checked with the attorneys,
The county clerk,

Judge greythorne.

They all agree the will
Is legitimate and uncontestable.

This...Aaaaaaaa...
Abundant inheritance

Is yours, lllllll...
Lock...Stock...

And barrel.

I can take care of
My own inventory, if you please.

Welcome to the playbird nest.
I'm your hostess, darlene.

Will you two roosters
Be dining alone?

[ clears throat ]

Let's just say that
We'll be starting out alone.

Ha ha.

Just the two of us.
Thank you.

Right this way.

[ imitates
Rooster clucking ]

Ah, darlene,
Would you ask the manager

If we might
Have a word with him?

Just inform him
That mr. Dubois has arrived.

Who's he?

This is
The new big bird.

Along with his
Faithful sidekick, daffy duck.

Whoo.

Just look at this place --
All of man's fantasies.

Benson dubois?

Yes. Oh,
Are you the manager?

No, I'm meeting marlin perkins
For a drink.

[ laughs ]

I'm jessie shaw.
You wanted to see me?

Yes, have a seat.

I don't know if
You are aware of the situation.

Oh, I'm aware
Of the situation.

You're benson dubois,

The snake who cheated me
Out of my inheritance.

Uh, your inheritance?
Were you related to hugh howard?

Well,
You could say that.

For years, I kept that man
And this business

On an even keel.

By rights, all of this
Should be mine.

Look, mrs. Shaw --

Ms. Shaw.

I didn't ask
To inherit this bird sanctuary.

And I didn't ask to get
The muddy end of the stick.

Yeah, but you did get
The muddy end of the stick,

And mr. Dubois
Did get the inheritance.

Guacamole?

Thank you.

[ laughs ]

Uh, we'll be
Needing some chips with that.

Well, I guess this means benson
Will be spending more time

Surrounded
By beautiful women.

Oh, it's all cosmetics.

Even I would look good in one
Of those playbird outfits.

Why don't you ask benson
To hire you?

Oh, I would never do
Such a thing.

The playbird nest
Is just another example

Of male exploitation
Of women.

Right.

On the other hand,

Teasing benson
Is always good for a laugh.

Yeah, at your expense.

Good morning.

Take my advice, don't do it.
See you later.

[ chuckles ]
Bye.

[ clears throat ]
Benson, I would like you

To take a look at me
In a new light.

Fine, how about the high beams
Of a speeding fuel truck?

The kid
Had this one pegged.

Benson,
You and I have got to talk.

Have you seen
The paper?

No. What's up?

This editorial --

"Gatling administration
Lays an egg on commitment."

What's that all about?

They question my commitment
To women's rights.
Why?

Because a member
Of my administration

Owns the playbird empire.

Well,
It's not really an empire.

It's just a restaurant,
A fading magazine,

And a mansion
With a couple of hundred girls.

Whatever it is, I'm getting
A lot of heat from it.

Whoo, those letters
And phone calls are pouring in.

They're -to- against
Benson's pleasure palace.

Now,
I tried to defend you,

But the public is demanding
That something be done.

Benson, that's it.
You've got to sell this place.

Governor,
I can't sell the place.

It's got mortgages
Up the kazoo,

And if I sell it,
I'll be $, in debt.

Yeah, well, you've got to
Think of something.

What do you want me
To do?

I don't know.
Figure something out.

You're the big bird.

If you don't,
Your goose is cooked.

I'm serious, benson.

I'm not gonna sacrifice
My program for anything --

Not even friendship.

You never won a case?

Have you seen
The morning papers?

It's getting worse.

There has to be
An answer.

I considered shutting the whole
Playbird operation down,

But that would
Cost people their jobs,

And that wouldn't be fair
To them.

Why don't you just
Give it away?

The terms of the will say I
Can't give it away unless I die.

That could take months.

[ knock on door ]

Excuse me, governor.
Benson, you've got company.

Ah, ms. Shaw,
Nice to see you.

Governor gatling,
Jessie shaw.

I know.
I voted for him.

Oh, how sweet.

Ms. Shaw is the lady
From the playbird nest.

How do you do?

Well, I'm surprised
To see you here.

What brings you here?

Well, I wanted to apologize
For last week.

I usually don't
Lose my temper like that.

Oh, no,
Of course not.

I must admit,
I have had warmer welcomes.

You see,
Hughie always promised

That everything
Would be left to me.

Oh, he was
Such a dear man.

But, you see,
We kind of had an arrangement,

Business and personal.

Oh, well,
I can see that this

Must be a very difficult time
For you.

It isn't going to be easy
For you, either.

Been reading the papers,
Huh?

[ laughs ]
No -- filing them.

It was a pleasure meeting you,
Governor.

Oh, this is for you.

[ groans ]

What did she give you?

A subpoena.

Apparently,
She's contesting the will.

Jessie?
I don't believe that.

See for yourself.

Huh?

Well, I guess this
Just isn't your day, benson.

Well,
Maybe it is my day.

If I can lose
The inheritance in court,

Then, in essence,
I never owned it

And we don't have
A problem.

You've got one problem.

You said
The will was uncontestable,

So how can you lose?

Get myself a lawyer
Who's never won a case.

Where could you find somebody
Like that?

Oh, governor.

How's it going?

Oh, so far, so good.
Nothing's started yet.

Oh, well, good luck.
Hope you win.

No, no, no. Wait, wait.
Don't wish me luck.

I'm gonna lose, remember?

Oh, right, right.
I'm sorry.

I'm always a little jumpy
In a courtroom.

I'm always afraid

I'm going to cr*ck
Under cross-examination.

But you're not testifying.

I know.
Strange, isn't it?

Benson, governor.

All ready to do battle,
Clayton?

I'm ready, willing,
And able, sir.

Benson,
This one's in the bag.

Ha ha,
Don't I know it.

I'll be back there
Rooting for you.

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't wish me luck.
I want to lose.

Right, right.

I hope you fall
Flat on your face.

Benson, I have been working
Around the clock

For the last three days,
And I can assure you,

There is no way
That we can lose this case.

Have you ever
Felt that way before?

Well, yes.

It's okay.
I'm just checking.

All rise for the honorable
Edmund d. Harper.

Ned harper?

Ned harper's the judge?
That's great.

Are you crazy?

The last time
We were in his court,

He threatened
To disbar me.

Well, actually,
He threatened to dismember you.

All right, let's see
What we have here.

Jessie shaw, plaintiff,
Versus benson dubois, defendant.

Welcome back, mr. Dubois.

Nice to see you.
Thank you very much, your honor.

I was hoping never to see you
In my courtroom again.

If you like,
We could go and discuss this

At smitty's over a beer.

Don't start, mr. Dubois.

Don't start, benson.

Well, mr. Endicott.
What are you doing here?

Uh-uh-uh, m-m-may,
Your honor,

May it please the court...
[ clears throat ]

In light of the fact
That mr. Dubois

Is in need
Of an attorney,

And I, in point of fact,
Am an attorney --

Never mind.
Sorry I asked.

Let the games begin.

Thank you, ms. Shaw.

No further questions,
Your honor.

Your witness,
Mr. Endicott.

Thank you,
Miss february.

Uh...Uh...Morrison.

Clayton, clayton.

What, what?

Go easy on her.

What?

She's been through
A lot.

She's been through nothing.
She's trying to rob our nest.

Oh, mr. Endicott,
Mr. Dubois,

Perhaps you would like to
Share this with the rest of us.

No, your honor.

Then continue with
The cross-examination, please.

Y-y-yes, your honor.
Yes, sir.

[ clears throat ]

Ms. Shaw,
Exactly how would you describe

Your relationship
With the late hugh howard?

I already said
We were very good friends.

"Very good friends."
Uh-huh.

"Very good friends."

Is he allowed
To do that?

Dubois, please, sit down.

Continue.

Yes, your honor.

[ clears throat ]

Ms. Shaw,
You have also stated

That mr. Howard
Might be labeled "An eccentric."

That's right.

Might you not also
Be labeled "A gold digger"?

I object! I object!

Dubois, you cannot object.

Why not?
It's two against one.

Would counsel
Please approach the bench?

You, too, mr. Dubois.

Why me?
Because I said so.

Do you two clowns have any idea
What the odds were

Against turning up
In my courtroom a second time?

Ain't life a hoot?

I told myself
It would never happen again.

That's why I decided
Not to retire.

And a wise decision,
Your honor.

You don't have to kiss up,
Morrison.

He already hates us.

Benson.

It's true.

So stick
To relevant testimony,

And let's eliminate
The circus atmosphere.

Objection sustained.

Continue,
Mr. Endicott.

Thank you, your honor.

[ clears throat ]
Ms. Shaw, what I am about to --

Mr. Dubois.

What is it?

Sit!

I don't know.
One minute, you say stand.

The next minute,
You say sit.

Continue, mr. Endicott,
Please.

[ mumbles ]

[ clears throat ]

Ms. Shaw, let me ask you
One very simple question --

What makes you think
You have the right

To contest the last
Sane words of a dying man?

Because he said
I would get everything.

Ha!

I mean,
Every time we'd have a fight,

He'd cut me out
Of the will

And put in the name
Of some weirdo.

Are you
Seriously asking the court

To believe
That fairy tale?

I believe it.

Will you shut up?

Don't tell me to shut up.

Would it carry more weight
If it came from me, mr. Dubois?

'nough said, ned.

Mr. Endicott.

Continue with your fascinating
Cross-examination.

Yes, yes, your honor.
[ clears throat ]

Um...Ms. Shaw,
Let me see

If I follow
Your little scenario.

You and the recently diseased,
Mr. Howard --

Although we don't blame you
For that --

Had some sort
Of relationship going.

Every time you had a fight,
He rewrote the will

And signed everything over
To some stranger.

Is that what you
Would have this court believe?

Oh, no,
They weren't all strangers.

During the years I lived
With hughie,

At one time,
He left it to our gardener.

Another time,
It was the pool man --

Anybody
Just to irritate me.

Psst, clayton. Psst.

What?

Don't do that.
What do you want?

Well, I just want to talk
To my lawyer.

Very well,
But do it quietly.

Foster, get my pills,
Please.

Thank you, your honor.

Ask her about living
With this guy.

Right, right. We'll call
Her morals into question.

That will put her
On the ropes.

Ms. Shaw, you stated

That you lived with mr. Howard
For years.

That's correct.

Was that with or
Without the benefit of marriage?

No, we were never married.

Aha!

They were never married,
Your honor.

What is your point,
Mr. Endicott?

Uh...

What is my point,
Benson?

I'll handle it
From here.

Your honor, with the kind
Indulgence of the court,

I would like
To ask a few questions.

Mr. Dubois,
That is highly irre--

Oh, what the hell.

If judge wapner can take it,
So can I. Go ahead.

I'd love to.

Ms. Shaw,
During these years

You lived
With mr. Howard,

Was that as brother and sister,
Cousins, roommates?

Wake up, dubois.

Uh, no further questions.

I'm not through yet.

Then, ms. Shaw,
Is it safe to say

That if mr. Howard snored,
You were the first to know?

Yes, mr. Dubois,
We were lovers.

Lovers, ms. Shaw?

In my book, I'd call
That kind of dedication

A commitment,
A relationship.

You don't have to
Answer that question.

I didn't ask her
A question.

Benson, you are treading
On thin ice.

Their relationship
Might be construed

As a common-law
Marriage.

A what?

A common-law
Marriage.
A what?

A common-law
Marriage!

I want that stricken
From the record.

Tough.

[ grunts ]

Your honor,
What we have here is simply

A woman
Who stood by her man

In the lean times,
The mean times.

In other words, a woman
Who is dedicated and faithful.

Oh, I never
Said I was faithful.

Cool it, jessie.

Make your point,
Mr. Dubois.

My point
Is simply this --

That ms. Shaw represents the
Definition of the word "Wife."

I don't see how I,
In all good conscience,

Can stand
In the way of her inheritance.

I beg you, please,
Rule in favor of the plaintiff.

You got it. Bench rules in favor
Of plaintiff.

Endicott, dubois, I don't ever
Want to see you again.

Court adjourned!

Where are my pills?!

And I thought hughie was
The craziest man I'd ever met.

Hey, you're okay,
Benson dubois.

[ smooches ]
Thanks.

You're welcome.

Well, who needs
Those playbirds, anyway?

I thought
You liked them.

Come on, benson.

Take away the hair,
The fancy clothes,

The false eyelashes,
What do you got?

An incredibly gorgeous,
Bald-headed, naked woman.