06x09 - Double Date

[bunniefuu]

Benson, let's see
If I understand

Your version
Of this lemon law.

[ scoffs ]
Good luck.

Clayton, please.

You would give the buyer
Of a new automobile

days to discover
Any major defects.

Right.

Why should it take days
To discover a defect?

Because,
Unlike some people I know,

Cars don't reveal their defects
Simply by opening their mouths.

Look, if you don't want
My input, just say so.

Thank you so much.
I don't want your input.

Wait a minute.

I want everybody to have his say
On this lemon law.

Clayton, let's hear
Your point of view.

[ clears throat ]

Pbht!

There's a well-thought-out
Argument.

I can't take any more of this.
You two work this thing out.

And I want to have
A coherent bill

Here on my desk
Tomorrow morning.

You shall have it, sir.

No problem.

We'll work through lunch.

No, you'll work through lunch.
I have a luncheon date.

Uh-huh. You see
What I have to put up with?

Perhaps you and I could
Go over this during lunch, sir.

I have a luncheon date,
Too, clayton.

Well, it's not
Really a date.

I'm meeting katie at school
For lunch,

And we're going to have
A meeting with her...

Guidance counselor.

Uh-oh.

Is our little girl
Having trouble at school?

None of your beeswax.

[ clears throat ]
I'll, uh, just work on this

By myself in my office...

Alone.

Order lunch.

I'm sorry about that, sir,
But...

Clayton could put the gray
Back in reagan's hair.

You don't have to tell me.
I know.

[ chuckles ]

Anyway, we'll get you a good
Draft on this lemon-law bill.

I know you've got
A lot on your mind,

What with the problem
With katie and all.

Oh, it's not really
A problem.

I'll tell you the truth.

I wish I were half as bright
As katie is.

Don't worry, sir.
You are.

[ door closes ]

Thank you, benson.

Kraus,
Have you seen linda?

Linda?

Linda wilson.

Isn't she that
Pretty lady travel agent

You've been dating
For the last two months?

Right.

Of course
I have seen her.

Otherwise, how could I
Have described her?

Have you seen her today?
I'm having lunch with her.

There's big news.

Perhaps we should notify
Associated press.

Have you seen her or not?

[ chuckles ] don't like
Being teased, do you, benson?

So it's a little different when
The shoe is on the other foot.

In your case,
It would be the other hoof.

Just for that, I'm not
Going to tell you where she is.

Oh, hi, honey.

[ snaps fingers ]

Hey.
There you are.

See?
I don't need your help.

Where have you been?

I was fixing my hair.
I wanted to look beautiful.

That's okay.

'cause I have
Some bad news.

Wait a minute.

You weren't going to tell him
Till I was out of here.

You told her before you told me?
What is this bad news?

I'm still in the room.

Other than that.

I have to break
Our lunch date.

Again? That's the second time
This week.

My best friend from college,
Jill griffith,

Is landing in minutes,

And I haven't seen her
In five years.

You understand,
Don't you?

Oh, sure, I understand.
You want to see your friend.

That makes sense.
I'll see you tonight.

I don't really want to
Leave jill to fend for herself

Her first night in town
And everything.

Why don't we
Get her a date?

Oh, great idea.
Who can you get?

Why don't you
Get her a date?

I don't know anyone who could
Make it on such short notice.

Well, I suppose I could
Call the prison

And see who they'd let out.

Come on.
Jill's my best friend.

And a favor for her
Is a favor for me.

And a favor for me could prove
To be a favor for you.

All right, okay.

I just want you to know, I'm
Just doing this for the favors.

Oh, benson.
Hi, linda.

I'll see you
When I get home from school.

Okay.

Oh, hey, governor,
Are you free tonight?

Yeah, I think so.
Why?

Uh, you want to go
To the movies?

Hey,
That sounds like fun.

Yeah,
We could double date.

Oh, gee, I don't know
Who I'd call.

Linda's friend jill
Needs an escort.

Oh.
Blind date, huh?

Listen.

I just remembered I've got
Something I have to do.

What?
Well,
Government business.

You know.
Top secret.

Bull feathers.

You just don't want
To go on a blind date.

What does she look like?

What's she look like,
Sweetheart?

She's bright, sweet,
Has a great personality.

Forget it.

Good luck, benson.

Why did you let him
Off the hook?

I didn't let him
Off the hook.

"Bright, sweet,
Great personality"?

Everybody knows
That means "Ugly."

Benson, she's not ugly.
She's a former miss iowa.

Oops -- I've got
To get to the airport.

If you happen to find
A date for jill, give a call.

Otherwise, I'll see you
When I see you.

Find a blind date
This late in the afternoon.

Where am I supposed to find
A fool like that?

Benson.

I was under the impression
That you had a date for lunch.

It was canceled.

Hmm.

Well, since you're not
Rushing off on a date,

I wonder if you'd deign to help
Me with this proposal of yours.

Sure.

Clayton, how would you like
To go on a date

With a former miss iowa?

In exchange for what?

No exchange.

Linda's friend jill
Is in town.

She needs an escort.

[ laughs ]

You want me to go
On a blind date?

With a former miss iowa.

What year?

Gee, I don't know.

Uh-huh.

Ah, that's okay.
Forget it.

No, I'll do it.
I don't want you
To do it.

I'm gonna do it.
I don't want you to.

I am willing
To take the chance.

Okay.

I just want it
Clearly understood

That I am only doing this
As a courtesy to you.

Oh, thank you so much.

No, no,
Don't mention it.

I certainly won't.

You owe me.
We'll work in my office.

[ sighs ]

Why did you even ask him, fool?

I'm losing it.

That's what it is --
I'm losing it.

Nah.

One night out with clayton --
How bad could it be?

[ blubbering ]

Well, where is he?

Baby, I don't know.

Linda, I really wish you hadn't
Fixed me up with this guy.

I didn't fix you up.
Benson fixed you up.

The only reason
I fixed her up

Was because you forced me
To fix her up.

I didn't force you
To fix her up with him.

Well, he hasn't arrived yet,
So maybe there's no problem.

Why don't you try
Giving him a call?

Forget it.

I don't mind
Being a third wheel.

[ sighs ]

Psst, psst,
Benson!

Clayton, what are you doing
Back here?

We're waiting for you.

I'm hiding.

Why?

I can't go out there.

Why not?

Look at her.

She's gorgeous.

What's the problem?
Opposites attract.

Come on.

Yeah, wha--
What if she rejects me?

Then she'll be showing
An amazing amount of taste.

Benson, I am serious.

She can't reject you.
You're clayton endicott iii.

Yeah,
You're absolutely right.

What's not to like
About an endicott?

I'm glad he didn't wait around
For the answer.

Hello, there.

I'm clayton endicott iii.
You must be jill.

Yes, I am.

[ chuckling ] well...

It's obvious that iowa has
A lot more to offer than corn.

[ chuckles ]

I wish we could say
The same thing about you.

Is he gonna be that way
All evening?

No -- a little later,
He'll become truly obnoxious.

So...
[ clears throat ]

What film are we seeing
This evening?

"Quiet screams" -- the biggest
Thriller of the year.

They say you can't
Guess the ending.

Oh, an american film.

Here we go.

I don't know.

I just find american films
So, so...

Commercial.

Exactly.

Hollywood has produced some
Great films, right, benson?

I just go to the movies
For fun.

I'll tell you
Whose films are marvelous.

Wolfgang beddenschleppen.

Who?

You are
Into beddenschleppen?

He is a genius.

Benson, have you ever seen
"My uncle from bucharest"?

Is that the film
About the janitor

Who lives in the cellar
And, uh...

Falls in love
With a rat?

You went to see it?

No, no,
It was on cable.

[ chuckles ]

A masterpiece.

I mean, didn't you just
Want to reach out

And take that janitor
Into your arms?

Better him
Than his girlfriend.

Benson is impossible.
[ chuckles ]

I mean, it's better
Than this piece of tripe --

dull minutes
To get to some trick ending.

Well, the critics seemed to be
Impressed by the trick ending.

Oh, give me a break.

Everybody knows
Who the k*ller is.

I don't know
Who the k*ller is.

Well, just use your eyes.
Look at the poster.

You don't have to be
A rocket scientist.

Anybody can tell

That the nun and the cab driver
Are the same guy.

Clayton, shush.

He is the one who's been k*lling
Off all the street mimes.

Why do you think
It's called "Quiet screams"?

Uh, we'd better
Get out of here.

Why?
A mob is forming.

No, no,
This is the k*ller.

I'm telling you,
Don't waste your money.

Cab driver
Is the k*ller.

Well, you don't know
The beginning and the middle.

Two out of three ain't bad.

Katie, I've been thinking
About that meeting that we had

With your
Guidance counselor.

Dad, I really want to be in that
Accelerated studies program.

Honey,
I know you do.

And I think you're bright enough
And you're mature enough,

So you have my permission.

Oh, great.

And I'm sure that you'll do
Very well.

I just hope
Those nerds know how to party.

Thank you, thank you,
Thank you, my friend.

Thank you
For changing my life.

Just tell me,
How can I thank you enough?

Go away, go away.

What's going on?

Oh, katherine,
Katherine, katherine.

The world
Is a beautiful place.

The sun shines.
Birds sing. Flowers bloom.

Nuts hatch.

I take it the blind date
Went all right.

Oh, ho, ho, sir.

She is a goddess.

You didn't tell me
She was a goddess.

I don't want to talk
About yesterday.

Yesterday was the last day
Of the other part of my life.

I'm moving on.

Before anyone moves on,
I have an announcement to make.

[ clears throat ]

Next week,
Jill is leaving for greece.

Who's jill?

She's the goddess.

All I was told was that
She had a great personality.

When jill leaves,
I am going with her.

Clayton, you can't just
Run off on vacation

Because some girl
Catches your fancy.

Sir, she caught
More than my fancy.

No, no.

I am giving you
Six days' notice.

I resign.

I'm out of here.
I am history.

And I'm tickled pink.

I know you can't tell.

Hmm, I like this.

Hang on to it for me,
Will you, babe?

Come on,
Sweetheart.

Let's go to the steak house
And have dinner.

I told jill
I'd meet her here.

We'll sit by the window.

When we see her,
She can join us.

I want to shop.
What do you think of this?

Buy it
And let's get out of here.

I have to try it on first.

[ groans ]

bucks for what?
It's an undershirt.

I can wear this.

I see nothing.

Kraus,
What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?
What are you doing here?

It's a woman's dress shop.

So, I repeat --
What are you doing here?

Hi, gretchen.

Oh, linda.
Thank goodness you are here.

Otherwise...

I don't even want
To think about otherwise.

What's she talking about?

I don't think
Anyone has ever known.

Are you ready?

I'm sorry I'm late.

I had to change cabs
Three times.

Clayton again?
What's with him?

I wish I knew.

Can we discuss this lovers' spat
Over a steak?

Your buddy has made my life
A living hell.

Yeah, well,
That's one of his skills.

I've never met
A more obnoxious man in my life.

That's clayton,
All right.

I thought you two were
Practically naming the babies.

Babies?

With him?

I would rather die a lonely
Woman in a house full of cats.

Have you thought
Of calling the police?

Police?

Jill, he followed you
Into a supermarket,

Started reciting rod mckuen
Over a bullhorn.

Now, that's harassment.

Can we go have dinner?

I am not hungry.

I am starving.

If you ask me,

You got her into this mess --
You should get her out of it.

She has a point.
No, she doesn't.

After all,
Clayton is your friend.

He's not my friend.
I never liked him.

Well, do me a favor --
Just tell him to back off.

You're the one who led him on,

Talking about beddenschleppen,
Washing your clothes together.

That's not true.

He snuck up on me
In the laundromat

And threw his shorts
Into my spin cycle.

Benson,
You got the girl in trouble.

Do the right thing.

Here's what I can do.

I can talk to clayton
And tell him to back off.

That's all I can do.

Thanks, honey.
I appreciate that.

Now can I buy you dinner?

What about
Jill and gretchen?

I don't want to
Buy them dinner.

That sounds like fun.

Especially not kraus.

Let's go.

Aren't you coming?

No, come here.
Let me tell you something.

A night out with the girls
Is not what I had in mind.

Well, this can
Give you the chance

To have that chat
With your buddy.

See you later.

What I hate is,
They keep calling him my buddy.

He ain't my buddy.

What are you looking at?

You want to have dinner?

Well, you certainly
Took your time.

What's so important
It couldn't wait until tomorrow?

I saw jill.
Jill?

Yeah, I ran into her
At the mall.

At the mall?
Ha! She was at the mall.

She gave me the slip.

It's a little game we play.

Clayton...

I know
What's been going on.

What are you
Talking about?

You're bothering this woman
Day and night.

So?

What's your point?

You're harassing her.

[ scoffs ] you call it
"Harassment."

I call it "Affection."

Yeah, well,
She's gonna call the police.

Police? Why?

It's not like
I'm some sort of weirdo.

I'm just trying
To win her over.

How?

By throwing your skivvies
Into her spin cycle?

I thought
It was sort of cute.

Well,
She thinks it's sick.

I'm telling you,
The woman despises you.

Sure -- now.

But after I get her
Alone in greece...

You've got to leave the woman
Alone -- stop harassing her.

It's over, finished,
Kaput, done.

What are you
Trying to say?

Clayton.

Okay.

Okay, okay!

Then you'll
Leave her alone?

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes,
I will leave her alone.

Good,
Then it's done.

Nobody loves me.
Nobody has ever loved me.

[ groans ]
Oh, brother.

Once --
Once I was loved.

Come on, clayton.

Even she dumped me.

Didn't even
Send me a letter.

Sent me a postcard.

A "Dear john" postcard?

What is wrong
With women?

Have you ever considered
That it might be you?

No, no, I find that
Hard to believe.

Well, I think you'd better
Give it some thought, man.

You know, you're so busy
Trying to impress people

That no one ever
Gets to know the real you.

[ scoffs ]

If they knew the real me,
They'd hate him, too.

Then you've got
Nothing to lose.

Take a chance.
Open yourself up.

Try to be more sensitive
To others.

It's because I'm ugly,
Isn't it?

I don't think looks
Have anything to do with it.

Then you do
Think I'm ugly.

Doesn't matter
What I think.

Why don't you
Just relax once in a while?

Maybe people would get to see
Your good points.

What good points?

Benson,
Please, help me.

Well, uh, you're, uh...

You're witty.

Witty?

Mm-hmm, yeah.
And, uh, intelligent.

Witty?
And intelligent?

It's hard enough
Saying these things.

Don't repeat them
Back to me.

What else?

And, uh,
You're punctual.

And?

I'll tell you what -- why don't
You act those three out,

You know,
For a couple of days?

Maybe along the way

We'll discover
If you've got some more.

Ha.

You know, no one has ever
Sat down with me

And had a serious talk.

I really appreciate it.

Mm-hmm, well, you know,
I hope it was of some help.

Oh, it was.
Thank you. Thank you.

All right, yeah, yeah.
You're welcome.

Benson?

Hmm?

Would you mind if...

Never mind.

What?
What is it?

Can I hug you?

Oh, come on, man!