06x12 - Make w*r, Not Love

[bunniefuu]

Benson,
I need to speak to you.

Sure thing, governor.
What's up?

There's been a tragedy
In the gatling family.
What?

Bertha and great uncle granville
Have passed away.

I'm sorry.

Yes, it's very sad.

They were together
Almost years.

Well, how did it happen?

Well, uncle granville
Wasn't wearing his glasses,

And he rode her
Into the quicksand.

"Rode her
Into the quicksand"?

His wife, bertha?

No, bertha was his horse.

No, uncle granville
Loved bertha so much

That the family felt
That it would be suitable

If we have
A double funeral.

Anyway,
I'll need your help.

Well, but I can't be
One of the pallbearers.

I got a bad back.

Well, that wouldn't
Be necessary, anyway.

They're already buried.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

How silly of me --
The quicksand.

[ mumbles ]

But I'll need you
To be acting governor

While I'm at the services.

Well, there's no problem
There.

Is there anything special
I need to know?

No, not really.
It should be slow tomorrow.

There will just be the pacific
Islands trade conference.

Governor,
Lieutenant governor.

Clayton. Clayton.

Sir, I'll need
Your signature

On this highway-repair
Appropriation.

Let benson do it, he'll be
Acting governor till monday.

Again?

Well, I fervently hope

This won't jeopardize
My trade conference.

Oh, governor,
I've just heard

About uncle granville
Und bertha.

How are you holding up?

I'm really okay, miss kraus.
Thank you.

What's going on?

There's been a tragedy
In the gatling family.

Oh?

Yes.

Great uncle
Granville gatling

And his horse,
Bertha gatling,

Slipped away
During the night.

The governor is going
To their services.

They're holding services
For a man and his horse?

Yes, the immediate family

And a small herd
Of close friends.

Governor, I'm sorry
To bother you with this now,

But did you want benson
To make the speech

At the trade conference?

Speech? You didn't tell me
About a speech.

Well, it's already
Written, benson.

Sir, in light of the fact
That I made all the arrangements

For the trade conference,

I think it's only appropriate
That I make the speech.

Forget it.

I promised all the foreign
Dignitaries a big sh*t.

Benson is as low
As we go.

Thank you so much, kraus.

Have fun
Being governor, benson.

If you want me to have fun,
Take these two with you.

All right, first session
Of my trade conference,

Tomorrow morning,
: sharp.

Try not to be late.

Clayton.

That's no way
To talk to the governor.

[ grunts ]

Was there something else,
Kraus?

What do you think I should
Wear to the reception?

Kraus, I'm very busy.

I don't have time
To insult you.

Sure, I understand.

Now that you're a big sh*t,

You don't have time
For little people.

Okay, wear something
With a hood.

Thank you.

I needed that.

[ indistinct conversations ]

Well, benson, miss kraus,

It looks as if
My little trade conference

Is going to be
A resounding success.

Clayton,
I cannot believe

That you are trying
To hog all the credit.

You didn't do
A stitch of work.

I beg your pardon.

I had to delegate
Hundreds of details

To dozens of staff members.

What do you call that?

A sweet deal.

I did some work, too,
You know?

Oh, hogwash.

If this conference is a success,
I should get the credit.

I worked my head off.

And a wart
Grew in its place.

Can we get started
With this conference?

By all means.

Ja, by all means.

Attention,
Ladies and gentlemen.

The conference
Is about to begin.

Please, take your seats.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my
Pleasure to introduce your host,

My friend, und soon to be
Your good friend,

Direct from
The governor's office,

The lieutenant governor!

Heeeeeeeeere's benny!

Thank you, ed mcmouth.

Thank you very much,
Ladies and gentlemen.

On behalf of the governor
And myself,

I'd like to welcome you

And say how happy we are
To host this fifth annual

Pacific islands
Trade conference.

It is our hope this year
To make it --

Excuse me.
I'm sorry I'm late.

Yes, well, here's a seat
Right in front.

Thank you very much.

Now, where was I?

You swine!

Isn't that a little harsh?
I simply lost my place.

Eunice,
What are you doing here?

Me?
What are you doing here?

We're all here for the pacific
Islands trade conference.

Are we not?

I was promised that
This miserable excuse

For a prime minister

Would remain on her sewer
Of an island.

And I was assured
That his loathsome carcass

Would be nowhere near
This conference.

Well, now that the introductions
Are over,

I'll go on
With my opening remarks.

You don't
Seem to understand.

I refuse to participate in this
Conference with this sea cow.

You insignificant
Son of a sand flea.

You have publicly insulted me
For the last time.

Mr. Dubois, I hold you
Personally responsible

For placing me
In this humiliating position.

Good day, sir.

Acting governor dubois,

Your government has shown
A patent disregard

For the feelings of the people
Of st. Matthew.

I declare
You and your associates

Persona non grata
On my island.

Goodbye.

Which of you would like to
Take responsibility for this?

I want to see the two of you
In my office

Immediately following
This session.

As I was saying,
Ladies and gentlemen,

Before I was so rudely
Interrupted...

Clayton: the blame rests
Entirely with miss kraus.

Miss kraus: it does not.
It was all clayton's fault.

You're the one who screwed up
The invitations.

It was not my fault.

It most certainly was.

It was not!
It was too!

Was not!
Was too!

Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Now, who sent out
The invitations?

Well, we divided it up.

I was responsible
For the islands

East of
The international date line,

And miss kraus handled
Those west of it.

Didn't anyone bother
To check the guest list

To see that there would be
No conflict?

Of course I checked it!

I was aware
That the relations

Between san lucas
And st. Matthew were volatile.

See?
I told you it was all his fault.

But I distinctly remember
Telling you

To delete st. Matthew because
I was inviting san lucas!

Oh, you didn't say
Any such thing.

I sent you a memo!

Well, everybody throws
Your memos away.

No, they don't!

Yes, we do.

Then it is settled.
Clayton takes the rap.

Fine, we'll sh**t him
At dawn.

Now, what we have to do
Is straighten out this mess

And get back
To the conference.

Ja, benson's right.

Now, I intend to apologize
Personally to president vorhees

For any insensitivity
On our part.

He should be here shortly.

Oh, no, no, no, he can't.

Why not?

Well, because I invited
Smithe duncan

To come to accept
Your apology personally.

What time
Will she be here?

Any minute now.
Any minute now.

I hope that doesn't interrupt
The press conference.

Press conference?

Ja.

As a matter of fact,
They should be here...

Right about now.
Right about now.

What is the matter
With these people?!

I'll handle this.

No, let me handle it.
I'm an expert in diplomacy.

Well, kraus is an expert
In wrestling.

Hyah!

Ooh!

All right, all right.
Uncle, uncle, uncle.

Madam prime minister,

In the interests
Of international goodwill,

Might I ask you
To refrain

From rabid punching
The president in the kidneys?

Please, try not
To conduct yourself

As common street thugs.

You're absolutely right,
Mr. Lieutenant governor.

[ clears throat ]
My apologies.

As prime minister of the island
Of st. Matthew,

I formally declare w*r
On the republic of san lucas.

That's not what I meant.

As president of the republic
Of san lucas, I accept,

And I declare w*r
Right back.

Copycat.
No, I'm not.

You're a baby.
Are you gonna cry?

Yes, you are.
No, I'm not.

Well, benson, you've been
Governor for six hours,

Und you have managed
To start a w*r.

How does it feel
To be such an incompetent?

Like I walked a mile
In your shoes.

[ camera shutter clicking ]

Morning, mrs. Cassidy.

Morning, boss.
You made the paper.

I did? Where?

Right there.

Right below that story about
The plight of the barn owls.

You know, I never really
Thought about the barn owls

Before I read
That little article.

I mean,
When you think about it,

There really is no ralph nader
For the barn owl.

Well, this isn't as bad
As I thought.

They say
That the so-called w*r

Between san lucas
And st. Matthew is a hiccup

In an otherwise successful
Trade conference.

Oh, good, and you know
There never was

Really a telethon
For the barn owls.

But I imagine
They've roasted a few.

And they go on to say

That dubois handles it all
With dignity.

That's nice, huh?

Oh, sure, everything
Is great for you,

But what about
The barn owl?

Nobody cares about him,

Just because
He's not in politics.

Now, there's a bird
On the skids.

Benson,
Allow me to present

Mr. Adams
From the state department.

Mr. Adams.

Governor dubois.

Acting governor, actually.
Have a seat.

Now, what can I do
For you folks from washington?

Well, we'd like for you
To get things back to normal.

What do you mean?

Before your conference,
To yesterday,

When san lucas and st. Matthew
Were not at w*r.

Uh, uh, if I might,
Mr. Adams,

I think it's hardly fair to
Blame the lieutenant governor

For this little dustup.

It may interest you to know,
Mr. Endicott,

That this little "Dustup"
Could be a sh**ting w*r.

What exactly can we do

To rectify benson's
Horrible miscalculation?

Oh, mr. Adams, these people
Don't want to sh**t.

They want to shout.

I think you boys at state
Are way off base on this one.

The island of san lucas has
Strategic m*llitary importance

To the united states.

Why?
That's classified.

Well, I'm the governor.

Acting governor.

Well, how bad could it be?

World wars have been started
Over less.

Of course, that is
The worst possible scenario.

Sounds like the last possible
Scenario to me.

Then I suggest you get
San lucas and st. Matthew

To declare peace.

Oh, mr. Adams,
I've never even heard

Of these two little
Cockamamie islands.

How could they affect
Our security?

Let me tell you
A little story.

There once was a man
Who was building an ark.

Please, sir,
I've heard the story.

To make his ark go,
He needed a very special rock.

This kind of rock
Could only be found

In a little island kingdom
In the middle of the sea.

Are you saying
That san lucas has a mineral

That's important
To our national defense?

Unh-unh, you didn't
Hear me say that.

I only told you the story
Of the man and the ark.

All that is understood, but even
If they should go to w*r,

We can still trade
With san lucas, can't we?

The pentagon is fearful
That nations unfriendly to us

Will align themselves
With st. Matthew.

And try to cut off
Our supply of rocks.

Off the record, maybe.

Well, if the state department
Is so interested in this,

Why don't they handle it
Themselves?

Frankly, mr. Dubois,

We want to keep
Our options open.

Call us if you have news.

Gentlemen.

Mr. Adams.
Mr. Adams.

Good day.

What does he mean,
"Keep our options open"?

Well,
In purely diplomatic terms,

It means that if this should
Turn into world w*r iii,

They want to be sure
Your heinie is in the ringer.

I'm sorry I'm late.
I got held up at the capitol.

Are they here?
Ja.

Yeah, bup, bup, bup, bup.

We were able to convince them
To come to the mansion,

But they refuse
To be in the same room.

Isn't that going to make
Negotiations difficult?

I think I have a plan.

Oh, this should be rich.

Keep them in their rooms
Until they are hungry,

Und then when they come out
For food,

Suddenly we pounce.

Kraus, we're not trying
To trap wolverines.

I suggest that we go
To both of them

And tell them
That the other is ready

And willing to negotiate.

That would be a lie.

That is a time-honored
Diplomatic technique.

Despite your devious intent,

There is a kernel
Of an idea there.

Then I'll take that
As a compliment.

That's as close
As you're ever gonna get.

Which one of them's
In my office?

Prime minister
Smithe duncan.

Let's get to it.

Good afternoon,
Madam prime minister.

Mr. Dubois.

I have come to you
First today

Because you
Have a reputation

As an honest
And intelligent leader.

Thank you, sir.

You're quite welcome.

And based upon
That reputation,

I know that you, personally,
Would be terribly disappointed

If we did not attempt
To at least sit down

With president vorhees

And seek a reasonable conclusion
To this grave crisis.

Smithe duncan is always
Prepared to negotiate.

Excellent.

With your kind permission,

I shall convey that message
To the president.

Ta-ta.

That was good, benson.
I'm very impressed.

I've seen worse.

You've done worse.

Afternoon, mr. President.

Lieutenant governor.

I have just spoken with
Prime minister smithe duncan,

And she has indicated
Her willingness to negotiate.

May we assume that a wise leader
Such as yourself

Is also
Willing to negotiate?

Anything she can do,
I can do better.

Excellent.

If you will follow me, then
We can join her in my office.

If she's so willing to
Negotiate, let her come to me.

Mm-hmm.

I'll be right back.

Not so easy, hey, benson?

Shut up, clayton.

Should have quit
While you were ahead.

I should have quit
The day I laid eyes on you.

What did the scum say?

The scum said --
I mean...

He said he admires
The courage you've displayed

In offering to negotiate,

And he would deem it
An honor

If you would meet him
In the living room.

Tell him to stick his honor
In a coconut

And sail it out to sea.

If he wants to talk,
He can come here.

Very picturesque.

What if I get him
To meet you halfway,

Somewhere in the middle
Of the reception room?

I would agree to that.

Okay, I shall convey that
To him.

I'll be right back.
Ta-ta.

Boy, it's tough
Being a diplomat.

Takes a wide range
Of skills.

And a good pair
Of running shoes.

She's agreed to meet you halfway
And talk.

That seems acceptable.

Good.

However, we must discuss
The size and shape of the table.

I want round.

I want square.

He wants a triangle.

She wants a rhomboid.

What we really need
Is a playpen.

Try again.

Now before we begin,
Let me say how pleased I am

That we were able
To reach an agreement

On the shape and size of
The table in such a short time.

My table wobbles.

Well, find the short leg
And stick your tongue under it.

I should like
To propose a toast --

Shut up, clayton.

On the other hand,
We have a lot to do.

I would like to say
That it's always an honor

To attend any conference

Where a smithe duncan
Begs for forgiveness.

I won't lower myself to respond
To that egg-sucking cretin.

Hold it, folks.

We're getting off
On the wrong course.

You don't seem to understand.

The dislike our countries
Have for one another

Has been going on
For generations.

Well, perhaps we could get
Somewhere here

If you would think
Of each other as people

And not as countries
You automatically hate.

Oh, I tried that
When I was young and naive,

And all I got for my troubles
Was a broken heart.

You can never trust
A san lucian.

I knew our differences couldn't
Be solved with polite talk.

The only solution
Is the field of battle.

What kind of a solution
Is that?

w*r is a bloody, costly,
Stupid solution.

Maybe they could compete
In the olympics.

Not now, kraus.

Well, I know not now,
But in four years.

All right,
Let's cut through it.

How much will it take to make
You two drop all this w*r talk?

What are you doing?

It's a standard
Diplomatic procedure.

Whenever you can't get countries
To cooperate, you bribe them.

Mr. Dubois, we will never settle
Our differences with san lucas

For the simple reason

That I could never trust
President vorhees.

I can't be trusted?

Have you forgotten
June , ?

I'll never forget it.

It's a day
That will live in infamy!

June , .

I wonder
What I was doing then.

Probably annoying someone.

I know what I was doing.

I was being stood up
At the church.

She can't even
Remember it correctly.

I was being stood up
At the church.

If you didn't want
To marry me,

You should have had the courage
To tell me to my face!

I waited at the church
For / hours.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

I think we're on
To something here.

Kraus, where's that map
Of the area?

It's right here on the back
Of the brochure.

President vorhees,
What day is it on san lucas?

Thursday.

Madam prime minister, what day
Is it on st. Matthew?

Wednesday.

I don't get it.

Don't you remember?

The international date line
Separates the two islands.

I went to church
A day early.

I came to the church
A day late.

But you both got to the church
On time.

Fredrick,
Were you really there?

Ready to give my heart
To you, eunice.

Oh, freddy!

Oh, eunice!

[ both sob ]

Way to go, benson.
You stopped a w*r.

And started a marriage.

Yeah, I better quit
While I'm even.