06x15 - Take This Job and Love It

[bunniefuu]

Benson, I just had
Some terrific news.

Your summer-jobs bill
Passed unanimously!

No kidding?

No, I just heard
From the legislature.

Okay, tell me what happened.
Don't leave anything out.

Okay, well, I was sitting in
My office, and the phone rang.

And I reached for it,
And I banged my elbow --

You know, that awful --

Governor, governor, please,
Leave something out.

Oh, well, okay, you've already
Heard the important part.

Your bill passed.

Okay, thank you,
Thank you.

It's things like this
That make the job so satisfying.

You didn't feel that way

When you first became
Lieutenant governor.

What are you
Talking about?

I figured you'd forget.

You have a way
Of always blocking out

Unpleasant experiences.

Not quite.

I know what miss kraus is
Talking about -- mayor waring.

Oh, yeah, mayor waring.

Oh, hmm, I almost forgot
About him.

Then I will refresh
Your memory.
No, thanks.

It was your first day
As lieutenant governor.

Kraus, I don't want you
To tell the story.

Oh, then I'll be happy
To tell it, benson.

See, we were all there

In the reception room,
Just waiting.

And there was
A banner overhead.

Welcome to your first day
As lieutenant governor!

[ cheering ]

[ laughter ]

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Whoopee!

Come on, benson, I'll show you
To your new office.

I don't think I could have
Found it by myself.

Here it is,
Your new office!

Huh?

Conference area here,
Coffee table, couch,

The chair,

The balcony.

Here it is,
Your new office.

You know...I have a story

About every piece of furniture
In this office.

Maybe, in that case,
I should redecorate.

Take this couch,
For instance.

I remember, one time,
I came in here --

Well, wait, wait,
Wait a minute.

Shouldn't one of us
Be running the state?

[ chuckling ] oh, yeah, yeah,
Guess I better do that.

I'm supposed
To be meeting

With assemblyman carter
Right now.

You want me in on that?

No, no, no, I'm just doing
A little fence-mending.

You stay here,
Enjoy your office.

Okay, well, if you need me,
Give me a call.

Well, I just hope
That I'm alive when I need you.

Well, if you're not alive,
Don't call.

'cause you know what's written
In our constitution, don't you?

What?

If I croak,
You're the big cheese.

Well, do me a favor,
Stay healthy.

Oh, I feel fine,

But you never know when
You're gonna come face-to-face

With the grim reaper.

It's time.

I always knew
He had another job.

Oh, I'm just on my
Way, clayton.

Oh, by the way,
I'm giving you to benson.

I'd rather have a rash.

Just for the week.
Uh, sir --

No, clayton,
I want you to make

Benson's transition
A smooth one.

Uh, sir,
I really prefer --

That's an order,
Clayton.

Uh,
This is ridiculous.

It sure is.

How difficult can it be
To make the transition

To a meaningless
Figurehead position?

Clayton, let me tell
You something.

Other lieutenant governors
May have considered this job

Just an extended vacation.

I assure you, I do not.

Excuse me, benson,
You want any of this stuff?

What is it?

It's stuff former lieutenant
Governor decker left behind.

I'll look through that.

Denise, what's on my calendar
For the rest of the week?

Oh, let's see, um,
Tomorrow, the th --

You cut the ribbon
For the new little league field.

Hmm, that sounds like fun.
What else?

Thursday, the th,
You're supposed to appear

As grand marshal
Of the capital city rodeo.

Okay, little league, rodeo.
What else you got?

Uh, oh,
That's it for this month.

That's it for the month?

Yeah, I think so.
You want me to go ask around?

Yeah, go ask around.

Oh, oh, look at this.

It's a picture of the former
Lieutenant governor

With a bunch
Of playboy bunnies.

"To jerry, who makes hef
Look like a cub scout.

Love, miss june,
July, and august."

Boy, those are the three hottest
Months of the year.

Mm-hmm-hmm-hmm.

Well. [ clears throat ]

And I wonder
What this key is.

Oh, it's the lieutenant
Governor's field office.

Hmm, I wasn't aware
The lieutenant governor

Had another office.

Great, I ain't got
Nothing to do,

But I got two offices
To do it in.

Well, I never heard
Of the place,

So I'm sure
It doesn't exist.

Oh, here's an address.

Why don't we go down there
And check it out?

Benson, you're
The lieutenant governor now.

You haven't got time
To go traipsing around
In search of offices.

Well, I got plenty of time
Before I have to be back here

For my next appointment...
hours from now.

Mm-hmm.

I got to remind denise
To throw this out.

Mm-hmm.

[ chuckles ]

This is it?
[ chuckles ]

Certainly doesn't
Look like much.

Well, give it
A chance, clayton.

Said the same thing
About you.

Excuse me,

Is this the lieutenant
Governor's field office?

Yes, it is.
Can I help you with something?

Yes, I'm the new lieutenant
Governor -- benson dubois.

Well,
That is something.

I'm your secretary --
Suzie mcnamara.

[ chuckling ] how do you do,
Miss mcnamara?

This is clayton endicott iii,
My assistant.

Only for a week.

Well,
It's nice to meet you.

We haven't had a lieutenant
Governor around here

In over , scarves.

Hmm, , scarves.

Is that right?

It was years ago.

Snookie porter
Was lieutenant governor.

Snookie porter?
[ chuckles ]

He loved this place.

Close to the people.

He loved this place?

The man
Was obviously deranged.

I don't think so,
Clayton.

He probably got
A lot accomplished.

He didn't get
Anything accomplished.

I rest my case.

He was trampled to death
By a brahma bull

While he was grand marshal
Of the capital city rodeo.

I'll keep that in mind.

Am I to understand that I'm
The first lieutenant governor

To come here since
The trampling?

That's right, chief,
And I've been here every day.

Well, this is an unconscionable
Waste of government funds.

This place will have to be
Closed down.

Oh, well, I knew it would be
Over someday.

I'll get my things.

It's okay, miss mcnamara.

There's no need
To move yarn city.

We're gonna keep
This place open.

Benson, there's no way
To justify the expense.

I think it's a great idea
For the lieutenant governor

To have a field office.

[ hip-hop music plays ]

What's that?

Probably
That g*ng of kids.

[ cheering ]

Are these children ill?

Don't you have
Any contact with reality?

These kids
Are break dancing.

Okay, okay, okay.
That's it.

All right, all right.
Gyro, you know the rules.

Come on, let's move it
Out of here.

Uh, officer, excuse me,
What seems to be the problem?

I've warned these guys
Over a hundred times

Not to loiter
On city property.

I don't think they're loitering.
They're just dancing.

Yeah, why don't you go
Bust some crooks?

Guys, just let me
Handle it.

I think I have an idea.

Benson, benson,
Mind your own business.

This is my business.

Dancing in the street

Is not the business
Of the lieutenant governor.

It's more appropriate
For the host of "Soul train."

What if the kids were dancing
On state property

Instead of city property?

Then it's out
Of my jurisdiction.

Well, then it's settled.
This is state property.

Then the problem's solved.
You can break on the state.

See you around,
Lieutenant governor.

[ music continues ]

Am I gonna see you
Around here, chief?

You certainly are,
Miss mcnamara.

You can tell
The people around here

That the
Lieutenant governor

Will be in this field office
On, uh...Let's see --

Wednesdays and saturdays
From noon till :.

Got you, chief.
All right.

He's a good man.

He's a rank amateur who has
No idea what he's doing.

Benson: clayton!

Coming, sir.

Ah, wake up, governor.

Governor?

Governor, governor?

[ laughs ]

I bet you thought you were
The big cheese, didn't you?!

[ laughs ]

I play this on all
The new lieutenant governors.

Oh, you should have seen decker
When I played it on him.

Bwah bwah!

[ laughs ]

Did you want something?

I just wanted to share
This joke with you.

Aw, that's so sweet of you.
Thank you for sharing.

Excuse me, benson,
Mayor waring is here to see you.

Mayor waring, how are you?
Come on in.

You're damn right
I'll come in.

How you doing,
Governor?
Oh, fine, fine.

Just who do you think
You are?

Well, what are you
Talking about?
Who do you think
You are?!

This is the new lieutenant
Governor -- benson dubois.

You should know that,
Mayor.

You worked for the opposition
During the campaign.

But that doesn't give
Him the right to tell
My cops what to do.

I'm the mayor
Of this city.

Herman,
What is the problem?

You know
What the problem is,

But this time, you're not
Gonna get away with it.

And don't you call me herman.
I hate that name.

I didn't know.

Well, now you do.

Well, if you would just
Calm down for a minute,

I'm sure we can work out

Whatever it is
You're so angry about.

Don't play games with me,
Dubois.

You know perfectly well
What I'm talking about.

What are you
Talking about?

You overstepped
Your authority

When you gave sanctuary
To those juvenile delinquents

Over at
Your field office.

The kids dancing?
You can't be serious.

Look, this is my city.
I know the situation.

Now, either you butt out
Or be prepared to answer to me.

He seemed awfully mad.

Benson, I don't think you
Handled that very well.

Me? He's the one who came
In here yelling his head off.

Yeah, but he's the mayor.
He deserves a little respect.

Well, what about me?

What am I,
A bowl of chitlins?

Don't I deserve
Any respect?

Well, of course you do,

But these things have to be
Handled diplomatically.

These petty arguments

Are beneath the dignity
Of this office.

You're talking to me
About dignity?

A man who plays dead
On the floor?

That was
A cheap sh*t, benson.

And thank you.

Now, if you don't mind,

I have official state business
To conduct.

[ clears throat ]

Is your first day
As lieutenant governor

Starting to come back
To you?

Yeah,
Thanks to your big mouth.

Mayor waring was really steamed
At you that day.

He sure was.

He always had such
A low boiling point.

I remember, after you had
That argument,

He sent over
Some city workers

To tear up all the streets
Around the mansion.

Yeah, you couldn't get in,
You couldn't get out.

Boy, it's a lucky thing
You decided

To go und beg the mayor
For forgiveness.

That's not
The way it happened.

Well, that's the way
I remember it.

That's 'cause every time
You open your mouth,

Your brain leaks.

I don't remember it
At all.

How did you manage
To calm down the mayor?

Well, you see, I figured

That he had to be upset
Over something more

Than a few kids dancing
In the street, you know?

So I invited him back here

To the mansion
To discuss the problem.

Excuse me, benson,
Mayor waring is --

All right, what do you want
To see me about?

Have you decided
To apologize?

Mayor, I wouldn't know what
To apologize for.

I thought maybe
We could sit down

And discuss this like
Two rational people.

Oh, discuss what?
I run this city.

You got nothing
To say about it.

Well, make that
One rational people.

I didn't come here
To be insulted.

Wait a minute, herman --
I mean, mayor.

I just want to find out
Why you're so determined

To give me such a bad time
About letting some kids dance.

The problem is you people
In the state government

Think you can run all over
Us city officials.

You didn't bother
To get the facts from me

Before you decided
To interfere.

What facts?

Has the surgeon general
Determined that break dancing

Is hazardous
To your health?

Did you know
There's been a g*ng problem

In that part of town
For years?

Yeah, yeah, I knew that,
But I didn't think

That the kids that I was talking
To were part of any g*ng.

Oh, you didn't think,
But you weren't sure.

Well,
I was reasonably sure.

You see very few muggers
Spinning on their heads.

That did it.

Herman,
What is your problem?

The problem is your nose
In my business!

And don't call me herman!

All right, all right.

Have a seat.

[ grumbles ]

Come on, let's see if we can
Work something out.

Now, I don't need an entire
Building for my field office.

What if I convert
The extra space

Into an arts center
For the kids?

[ scoffs ]
You are beautiful.

You know, I came up
With that idea five years ago.

You people at the state level
Said you couldn't fund it.

Well, that was five years ago.
You're dealing with me now.

Oh, yeah, sure, sure.

You'll be out there
Cutting ribbons

And making
With the big smiles,

And then five minutes
After the press leaves,

You and the funding
Will just disappear,

And I'll be stuck
With the headaches.

Oh, you get headaches?
I thought you only gave them.

Fine.
This meeting is over.

Oh, come on.
Wait a minute.

Look, do yourself
A favor, dubois.

Maintain a low profile
And this office

Will lead you on
To bigger and better things.

But if you step
On my toes,

Believe me,
You're gonna be sorry.

You know what your problem is,
Herman?

You're too big for blood
To get to your brain!

See, benson,
If you ask me,

You're not handling
This right.

I didn't ask you.

I think you should take that
Mayor by the collar und say,

"If you don't stop
Busting my chops,

You're going to get
Your own chops busted."

Have you seen the mayor?

Who cares?

The bigger they are,
The bigger the mess.

If my plan doesn't work,
We'll let you have a go at him.

Thank you.

The mayor just arrived.

He brought the police.

Can I have everyone's
Attention, please?

I gave you
Fair warning, dubois.

Thank you, mayor,
We've been waiting for you.

You don't
Give up easy, do you?

Neither do you,
Which is why we're all here.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Five years ago,

Mayor waring wanted,
In this community,

A place where young people
Could direct their energies

In a more positive
And creative manner.

So, it is
With great pleasure

That I dedicate to the citizens
Of capital city

The mayor herman j. Waring
Cultural arts center.

Congratulations,
Mayor waring.

You still want us
To bust everybody?

No, no, hold it, ed.

Mr. Dubois,

May I speak with you inside
My new arts center, please?

You certainly may.

Just relax, everybody.
I'll be right back...I hope.

Now, if you think
This little stunt of yours

Is gonna buy me off, dubois,
You're sadly mistaken.

I didn't do it
To buy you off.

Mm-hmm, sounds like
A snow job to me.

Look, mayor,
You and I are a lot alike.

We both put our pants on
One leg at a time.

Of course, your leg's
A little longer than mine.

Now are you making jokes
About my size?

Oh, stop being
So sensitive.

I'm just trying to tell you
We're both on the same side.

Oh, no, we're not.

I'm city, you're state.

Well, why do we have to
Have that separation?

We can work together.

I've heard
That story before.

Well, I mean it.

Your input and opinions
Are important to me.

Look, I'm just
A local mayor

In a town filled
With state politicians.

Now, how much value do you think
People give to my opinions?

About as much as they value
The lieutenant governor's.

Oh, well,
It's not that bad.

What?

Don't be so sensitive.

Look...Separately,

We don't have
All that much clout,

But if we work together,
Mayor waring,

There's probably nothing
We can't get done.

Well, dubois, if we're gonna
Work together,

There's one thing
You better get straight.

Now what?
Call me herman.

This could be the start
Of something big.

It's just a joke.

Oh.

Come on, let's go
Watch the dancers.

Well, what's everybody
Standing around for?

This is supposed to be
A celebration.

[ hip-hop music plays ]

Well, I may not have had
The smoothest first week

As lieutenant governor,

But since then, everything's
Gone relatively well.

That's one man's opinion.

All right,
What's your opinion?

Oh, come on.

You've got to admit
You fouled up a few things.

Yeah?
Like what?

Well, the time you lost
The governor's draft

Of the property-tax bill.

Oh, I didn't lose it.

I misplaced it.

For three weeks.

He left it
In a woman's apartment.

I wondered why
That took so long.

Well, we still made
The deadline.

Und then there was
That senator hoover incident

Just last week.

I've been meaning
To discuss that with you.

Does this have to do

With senator hoover's
Not talking to me?

You bet it does.

Benson read the senator
The riot act.

[ chuckling ]
Well, you know, I mean --

[ mumbling ]
You know, it was a mistake.

I mean, I thought
He was senator anderson.

All those fat guys
Look alike.

That's very amusing,
Benson.

My office
In half an hour.

He didn't seem amused.

That makes two of us.

My office in minutes.

When am I ever
Going to learn?

In minutes.