06x18 - The Oval Office

[bunniefuu]

[ birds chirping ]

[ clears throat ]

I'm telling you,

He pinched me
Right in the press conference.

Well, don't be
Too hasty now, kraus.

The man is single, successful,
And obviously...

Very lonely.

Hold it right there, benson.
I want a word with you.

Have two -- "Buzz off."

Who do you think you are?

I am benson dubois,
Lieutenant governor.

Who do you think I am?

I saw your press conference
On television.

Let me tell you,

Your remarks about the president
Were not amusing.

My remarks were not about
The president.

They were about
His budget policies.

It is not what you say.
It is the way you say it.

Well, I thought benson
Was brilliant,

Und he got big laughs.

My point exactly.

Guess what, benson?
You're on national news.

What was it about?

Those funny things you said
About the president.

I didn't say anything
About the president!

I criticized
His budget policies.

Well, when you criticize
The president's budget policies,

Maybe you shouldn't stand
Like this.

[ telephone rings ]

Lieutenant governor dubois'
Office.

Ja, ja, just a moment.
Thank you.

It's not for you.

Hello?

Yes,
This is governor gatling.

Oh, yes, we were
Just talking about that.

Oh, yes, he certainly has
A sharp wit.

There's no doubt
About that.

Well, actually,
I share his position

As far as the budget policies
Are concerned.

Uh-huh.

Well, um,
He's standing right here.

Why don't you tell him
Yourself?

The president.

[ mumbling ]
Hello, mr. President.

Yes, sir, this is he.

[ singsong voice ]
I knew it. I knew it.

We are in big trouble.

Shut up!

Oh, no, no, no.
Not you, mr. President.

No, no, no, sir.
I was talking to mr. Endicott.

Yes, sir.

He says thank you for
The saddle you sent him

At christmastime.

Oh, no, not you, sir.
No, no. I was just --

Uh-huh.

All right. Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.

Well, you see --

Uh-huh.

Well, no problem, sir.
Thank you.

Yes, good.
Nice talk--

He didn't sound like
A very happy man.

Well, he wants me to come
To washington

And have a chat with him.

Your heinie is hamburger.

[ normal voice ] I have
Attempted to warn you
On several occasions,

But you wouldn't listen,

And now you have gone
One wisecrack too far.

He wants me and the governor
To fly out to see him.

Me?!

What did I do?

Well, just now.
You supported me.

Oh, well, I didn't mean it --
Well...

I meant it, but I didn't mean
To tick him off.

When?
When what?

When? When? When?
It's a simple question.

Okay, okay.
Tomorrow morning.

Oh, tomorrow's my birthday.

Maybe he's gonna throw you
A surprise party.

Somehow I doubt it.

Come on, clayton.

Thank you, benson, for creating
Such a convivial atmosphere

For us all to work in.

Boy, this is probably going to
Show up on my record, too.

Shee!

I'm gonna remember this the next
Time you all want to borrow

My aretha franklin records.

[ monotonously ]
Right this way, gentlemen.

How was the flight?

One of the worst
I've ever taken.

Stop complaining.

I'm not complaining.
The guy asked me a question.

The flight was long,
You snored,

And the stewardess looked like
A former prison guard.

If you gentlemen
Will wait here,

I'll get mrs. Riddle,
The president's secretary.

You really are something,
Benson.

Clayton was right.

What do you mean
Clayton was right?

I don't care
To discuss it right now.

We're in the white house.

I know where we are.

What are you,
The michelin guide?

Hello, I'm mrs. Riddle,
The president's secretary.

How do you do?
I'm governor gatling.

Oh, everyone around here
Knows who you two are.

Will you follow me, please,
Governor gatling,

Lieutenant governor dubois?

They sure don't cut you any
Slack in this town, do they?

Yes, sir, mr. President.

I understand.

No problem.
I'll handle it.

Right this way, gentlemen.

Oh, yes, mr. President.

Uh-huh. Yes, sir.

Very good, sir.

The president will be
With you shortly.

Actually,
That is not the case.

I've just spoken with
The president telephonically,

And for reasons
I am unable to divulge,

He is unavoidably
Detained.

Do you have any endicotts
In your family tree?

At any rate,

The president should be along
In about minutes.

Well, maybe we should wait
Outside.

The president has requested

That you wait here
In the oval office.

We're not gonna make
A break for it.

Pardon me?

Oh, yes, your reputation
For humor precedes you.

Mrs. Riddle, perhaps you will
Provide the governor

And the lieutenant governor
With some refreshments.

Of course.

Gentlemen.

I'll be right back.
Make yourselves comfortable.

Keep your feet
Off the furniture.

I used to have a teacher like
Her in the third grade.

Speaking
Of the third grade,

I need to go
To the little boys' room.

Well, this is the president's
Private office.

I'm sure there's
A private bathroom somewhere.

Yeah, but where?
There are no doors.

Well, there's a door
Right there.

I wonder how you open it.
I bet there's a hidden button.

Why don't you try
Pushing it?

Oh.

Oh, it is a bathroom.
I'll be right back.

Just set the cart
Over there.

We seem to be missing
The governor.

Oh, yes,
Well, he went to the --

Oh, yes.

Is there anything else
I can do for you?

No, no, I'm fine. Yeah.

Please be careful
With your coffee cups.

All the furnishings in here
Are of historical significance.

The desk was jefferson's.
The chair belonged to wilson.

The rug was eisenhower's.

And we all know who
The tape recorder belongs to.

[ laughing ]

[ laughing continues ]

That will be all, william.

[ knock on door ]

Governor: benson?

Yeah?

I can't get out.

Can't get out of what?

The bathroom.

I'm stuck
In the president's bathroom.

[ chuckles ]

[ laughs ]

What, you got it locked
Or something?

I don't know.
I didn't touch anything.

[ laughs ]

Well, okay, hold it there.
I'll get somebody.

Hello?

Uh, hello?

I can't make it.
I can't find anybody.

Let me call
The maintenance man.

You can't use
The president's telephone.

Would you rather

He found you stuck
In his private bathroom?

Hello,
I'm calling from the pr--

Beg your pardon?

Hold on a minute, please.

Here's a little-known secret --
The red phone isn't red.

Uh, let me see if I can explain
This to you, comrade chernenko.

[ clears throat ]

Oh! Oh!

I thought you were
The president.

What exactly
Are you doing?

Well, the governor's stuck
In the, uh --

President's personal
Bathroom.

Yeah, yeah.

He's stuck in there.

Excuse me.

Governor gatling?

Governor: yes?

Turn off the light.

I -- I'd rather not.

That's how you open the door.

Oh.

Oh!

Well, I'll be doggone.

I'm sorry
For the inconvenience.

Perfectly all right, governor.

May I have the letter opener,
Mr. Dubois?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm through.

The president will be delayed a
Little later than he thought --

Delayed at least an hour.

Mr. Binker,
If it's going to be that long,

Maybe benson and I should
Just go out for lunch.

I have specific orders
To keep you here in the office.

I'll check back
With you later.

And,
Mr. Lieutenant governor,

Please don't make any more
Transatlantic phone calls.

I'm sorry, benson.
It's all my fault.

Well, no, we probably wouldn't
Even be here in the white house

If it weren't for me
And my big mouth.

Well,
That's certainly true.

I was apologizing.

Oh, I didn't hear you
Say sorry.

What?

I'm sorry.

That's what you're going to say
To the president.

What?

Sorry.

I don't owe the president
Any apology.

Do you think
He called you here

For a few pointers
On public speaking?

Well, if he called me here
For an apology,

He's in for
A major disappointment.

I certainly hope you're
Not going to take that attitude

With the president.

Well, now, wait a minute,
Governor.

I have every right to express
My opinion on this.

The budget cuts he made
Hurt my constituents.

Oh, I know that, benson.

It isn't what you said.
It's the way you said it.

Oh!

So that's what you meant
When you said clayton was right.

I'm just trying
To help you.

I don't want you to hang
Yourself with your big mouth.

Oh! Big mouth.

I didn't mean that
The way it sounded.

Well, there were only
Two words -- big and mouth.

Let's just forget it.

I may spout off about things
That concern me,

But I certainly am willing
To face the consequences.

Yes, and this time
I get to face them with you.

I didn't need you
To take up for me.

Apparently, you don't need me
At all, benson.

Now, wait a minute now.
This is not getting us anywhere.

Why don't we just drop it?

Consider it dropped.

[ exhales sharply ]

Coffee?

Huh?

Do you want some coffee?

Oh.

Thank you.

Watch it now.
Don't spill the coffee.

What?

Nothing, I just said,
"Don't spill the coffee."

You know,
I'm not a total idiot.

I never said you were.

I just said it looked like
You were gonna spill the coffee.

Well, if we're gonna go
On picking at each other,

I'd rather just sit here
Quite quietly

Until the president arrives.

That's okay with me.

Fine!
Okay.

Fine!

Oh!

Water.

You think you ought to pour
Water on there?

Do you have a better idea,
Benson?

Yeah, I'll call somebody.

Oh, that's a good idea.
Call the russians again.

Okay, fine.
You call somebody.

You're the one who spilled
Coffee on ike's rug.

I didn't do it on purpose.

I didn't say you did it
On purpose.

Well, I didn't imply
That you said I did.

And I didn't say that you
Implied that I said you did.

All right!

We agree.

What are we doing?

Just cleaning up a rug.

No, I mean,
Why are we at each other?

[ sighs ]
I don't know.

I guess it's the tension
Of the whole situation.

It's something more
Than that.

Yeah, I guess so.

I guess I'm upset because
Being here in this office

And knowing it's the only damn
Way I'm ever gonna get here.

Oh, I didn't know you had
Presidential aspirations.

Well, of course.

Why do you think
I went into politics?

Think all
I ever aspired to be

Was governor
Of some jerkwater state?

Wait a minute now.

I'm lieutenant governor
Of that jerkwater state,

And I'm pretty proud
Of the fact.

Well, you should be.

I should be.

Do you ever think
You might want to be president?

Yeah,
But what if hollywood calls me

To do
"The michael jackson story"?

No, I'm serious, benson.
You could do it.

You've got the tools.

You have to make
A lot of compromises

To get to this office,
Sit in that seat.

For the time being,

I think I'd rather remain an
Opinionated lieutenant governor

From a jerkwater state.

Well, you ever change your mind,
You got my vote.

Your vote?

How about a couple
Of large contributions?

Whatever you need,
You've got it.

Thank you.
I appreciate that, governor.

Why do you never
Call me gene?

Oh, I don't know.

I never gave it much thought,
I guess.

Why?

Well, I don't know.

I just -- we've been friends
For so long,

And I just wondered
Why you've never called me gene.

Probably out of
A certain apprehension

That you would retaliate
And call me benny,

Which I hate.

But if you want me to call
You gene, I'll call you gene.

Well, you shouldn't if it makes
You feel uncomfortable.

It makes no difference to me.
I mean, whatever you want, gene.

You've got it, gene.

After all,
It's your birthday, gene.

Why'd you bring that up?

Your birthday?

You think I'm too old to be
President, don't you?

No, no, no, no.

We all know that age
And former line of work

Has nothing to do
With becoming president.

I don't know
Why I'm depressed, benson.

I always liked birthdays --

The singing and the cake
And making a wish.

[ baby talking ]

Will you stop that?

I'll sic clayton
On you.

Wait a minute. Wait right here.
I got an idea.

Uh, mrs. Riddle?! Binker!

Could I see you two
For a moment, please?

Is there something we can do
For you, lieutenant governor?

There certainly is,
Mrs. Riddle.

Today is governor gatling's
Birthday.

Many happy returns, sir.

Felicitations, governor.

Many happy returns?
Felicitations?

What are you two saving it for?

Come on, loosen up.
Today's the guy's birthday.

What we need here is a cake
And a candle.

Do you have any matches?

You don't have a candle.

Do you have any matches,
Binker?

Thank you.

Okay, now everybody sing.

♪ happy birthday to you ♪

Together:
♪ happy birthday to you ♪

♪ happy birthday,
Dear governor ♪

Call me gene.

♪ dear gene ♪

♪ happy birthday to you ♪

♪ how old are you? ♪

Oh.

I'll cut the cake.

What did you wish for?

Benson knows.

Thank you.

What do you say?

Thank you for including us.
Will there be anything else?

Yeah, yeah,
I guess that's all.

Don't want you two getting
Too stimulated.

Before I go, I have a message
From the president.

What, another delay?

Actually,
A cancellation.

A cancellation?

You mean we came
All this way for nothing?

The president wishes me
To convey a message to you.

He appreciates
Your interest and concern

In the federal budget.

He has considered your
Criticisms of certain proposals,

And he has reached
The conclusion

That he is right
And you are wrong.

He has also asked me
To give you these...

Souvenir pens,
Which he used to sign a letter

Confirming the information
I have given you.

Thank you very much.
Have a good day.

You know what this means,
Don't you?

What?

We've traveled , miles
To get a cup of coffee,

Two plastic pens,
And some stale pastry.

We could have done better than
That at the supermarket opening.

Well, I don't know.

I think we got some more out
Of it than that.

Yeah, I guess we did...
Gene.

You know, when I hear you
Say it like that,

It sounds kind of funny.

So, does that mean
You don't want me to say it?

Well, no, no, no.
I didn't say that.

It's just that --

Would you like me
To call you eugene?

Oh, no, no.
I've always hated eugene.

How about xavier?

That's my middle name,
But I think governor --

How about aloysius?

You're trying to make a joke
Of this, aren't you?

No, I'm not trying to --

You know, I can be funny
About your name, too,

If I want to be.

What would you call me?

Dubooby!