07x06 - $1,000,000 an Hour

[bunniefuu]

All right,
Let's move it, move it,

Move it, move it,
Move it.

Mrs. Cassidy,
Where is my cake?

It's in the kitchen.
It'll be out in a minute.

Buh, buh, buh, buh,
Buh, buh.

And what
About these sandwiches?

Why do they have crusts
On them?

Because they're on bread.

Well, the crusts
Should have been removed.

I'll just apologize
For your incompetence

At the press conference.

Well, I'm getting
Out of here.

If you suddenly
Get m*rder*d,

I don't want to be
A suspect.

Thank you, thank you.

That's very gracious.
Thank you, thank you.

What are you doing?

I'm having
A press conference.

How's it going?

It hasn't started.
There's no one here yet.

Oh, you noticed that?

What is this press conference
About anyway?

You'll just have to
Wait and read the headlines

Like everyone else.

Clayton, I don't want to
Pull rank on you.

Pull rank?

[ laughs ]
You're only the acting governor.

Be that as it may,
I think you'd better tell me

What this press conference
Is all about.

I know what
You're trying to do.

You want to come in
At the last moment

And hog all the credit.

Credit for what?

Credit for --

[ snickers ]

Did you honestly believe
I'm so naive

That I'd fall for that?

Yes.

What is
The press conference about?

More
Crusty sandwiches.

I don't think
It's appropriate

To discuss government business
In front of the help.

Well, maybe you think
It's appropriate

To discuss your resignation
In front of the help.

Benson, when the people
Of this state

Find out that I am responsible
For an $-million surplus,

I am going to be a hero.

What $-million surplus?

In the state budget,
And I am the budget director.

Temporary
Budget director.

No, no, no, no,
Not after I announce

The $-million surplus.

And I did it --
Me, me, me.

Well,
I see you've gotten over

The fear of
Blowing your own horn.

Me!

Honk!
Me!

Honk!
Me, me!

Honk, honk!

Benson, pull over.
I need to talk to you.

There is
A federal auditor

From the general
Accounting department

Here to see you.

What does he want to
See me about?

It beats me, but you can
Be sure it's bad news.

Oh, not necessarily.

Oh, yeah?

When was the last time anyone
From the federal government

Showed up with good news?

"Congratulations.
You have not been drafted."

"Good news.
We have enough money.

Don't send any more taxes."

"Immigration."

Not funny, benson.

[ knocking ]

"Where are your papers?"

Oh, stop that, benson.
You know I'm a citizen now.

[ german accent ] "What did
You do during the w*r?"

Benson,
This is mr. Burger.

How do you do,
Mr. Burger?

I'm lieutenant governor
Benson dubois.

Mr. Dubois.

Have a seat.

Thank you.

Now,
How could I help you?

It's rather serious.

It seems you people
Have an $-million surplus.

Well, yes.
Yes, we do, yes.

I hope that's
Not a federal offense.

[ laughs ]

No, no, but it's
Not a laughing matter, either.

When the federal government
Sends you money

For certain expenditures,
We expect you to expend it.

Well, I can certainly
Understand that.

I guess some good
Budget management this year

Allowed us
To save a few bucks.

I don't care
Who's at fault.

I'm here to help you
Solve the problem.

Well, I didn't, uh,
Realize there was a problem.

The problem is this --

If you don't
Spend the money this year,

Next year,
We'll be forced

To reduce your funding
By $ million.

Oh, oh, I see.

If I don't spend it,
I don't get it.

You've got it.

Well,
That's pretty chintzy.

The federal government
Is not chintzy.

Maybe this
Will help you understand.

If I give you eight apples,

And you don't eat
Eight apples,

Then why should I give you
Eight more apples?

Simple enough?

Don't talk down to me,
Buster.

You'll be eating apple strudel
Through a straw.

Oh, kraus, kraus, kraus.
Behave yourself.

Uh, why don't you get mr. Burger
A cup of coffee?

No. I don't like him.

Well, don't mind her,
Mr. Burger.

She's not really,
Uh, housebroken yet.

Uh, please,
Have a seat again. Yes.

Now, insofar as this
$-million surplus is concerned,

I don't really think we'll have
A problem spending it.

I'll do it all
According to rule -a.

Good. There is a current
Supplement to rule -a.

This is the supplement?

The original rule
Was only one paragraph.

I'd read it if I were you.

Sure, I'll curl up
With it tonight.

Fine. It's your budget.

Well, I've done my job.

One word of advice --

I wouldn't let any of this
Get out to the press.

Boy, clayton's really
Gonna make a fool of himself.

I'll stop him as soon as
I've read the, uh, supplement.

Nah.

Where is clayton?

Oh,
He'll be right back.

He's in the bathroom,

Rehearsing his speech
In front of the mirror.

Well, that's good.

You can't get
A tougher audience than that.

Well, I better
Go get his stupid cake.

Kraus,
Why are you here?

I want to be here
When clayton hits the fan.

You have a real mean streak,
You know that?

Yeah. So?

So, it's your
Most endearing quality.

Ladies and gentlemen,
If I may have your attention.

As you know, I have
A major announcement to make,

So if I may have
Your attention.

Mr. Endicott,
Before you get their attention,

Could I get
Your attention?

What are you doing
Trying to get into my limelight?

I'm not trying to
Get in your limelight.

I'm trying to keep you
From getting your butt b*rned.

Get down here.

Excuse me,
Ladies and gentlemen.

Some annoying government
Business has just come up.

I'll be right back
With my major announcement.

What is it?

There is a federal auditor
In my office.

A-a-auditor?

Yes, yes. He has a problem
With the surplus.

Uh...Uh...Uh...
A p-problem?

That's right.

You cannot announce it
To the press.

Cannot? But I-I-I have to
Say something.

I've alerted the networks.
I have hors d'oeuvres.

I have a cake.
I have crusty sandwiches.

What is this
Major announcement?

What are we
Waiting for here?

Kraus,
Give the guy a break, huh?

Benson,
What am I going to do?

Do what you usually do --
Weasel out of it.

It's so lonely
In middle management.

Uh...Uh...Uh...
Ladies and gentlemen,

Uh, concerning
That major announcement --

No, no, no, no, no.
Not the cake, not the cake.

Happy surplus!

♪ we're in the money,
Clayton's our honey ♪

♪ he saved us $ million
This year ♪

Everybody sing!

♪ we're in the money,
Clayton's our honey ♪

♪ he saved us $ million
This year ♪

Ruined.
I'm ruined.

[ laughs ]

What is so funny?

[ laughs ]

Just this
Political cartoon.

You are on a little ship
Labeled "Career,"

And it is sinking in a sea
Of surplus.

♪ we're in the money,
Clayton's our honey ♪

♪ he saved us
$ million this year ♪

Stop it, stop it, stop it,
Stop it!

So, benson, what are
We going to do about the money?

Well, I was just looking
At this supplement here,

And I think if we can find
An appropriate way

To spend the money --
[ man screams ]

What was that?

Was that
The governor?

Quick,
Hide the newspapers.

Governor?

Miss kraus: governor.

Don't!

Sunburn.

He fell asleep
On the beach.

What happened
To his hair?

He couldn't sit down
In a limo,

So he had to stand up
Through the sunroof.

It's like being
In a parade

At miles an hour.

You scared me there
For a moment.

I thought
Don king had lost his tan.

Don't make me laugh,
Benson.

You won't be
Laughing long.

B-b-benson,
Don't bother the governor.

Can't you see
He's in pain?

What do you want me to do,
Wait until he starts peeling?

Is this about the $ million?

He knows. He knows.

It was on the radio.

Every five minutes.

Well, uh, everything's
Under control here.

Uh, definitely.
Everything's under control here.

And we can
Spend the money.

We -- we can definitely
Spend the money.

So, what's the plan?

Take it, benson.

Thank you, clayton.

Well, governor, what we'd
Need to do is investigate ways

In which
We can spend the money,

Do some committee reports,
Get some studies --

Excuse my interrupting.

One thing
I think you're overlooking.

What's that?

We have to spend the money
By the end of the fiscal year.

[ all groan ]

And that is...

Tomorrow.

So we have
By the end of business tomorrow

To spend the money.

$ million in hours.

That's $ million
An hour.

Well,
I think we can spend it.

Uh, we can definitely
Spend it.

You're sure?

Positive.
Definitely.

Governor:
So, what's the plan?

Take it, clayton.

There's got to be a way
To spend this money.

I've got it -- potholes.

We've got enough potholes.

No, we fill 'em up.

With the money?

Oh,
Forget the potholes.

Ta-da. Good news.

I hope so.
Two words.

They better be pips.

Rapid transit.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Hear me out.

Picture this --
A b*llet train

sh**ting through
Downtown capital city

At miles an hour.

We can start
Building it tomorrow

At a cost of $ million
Per city block.

Clayton, that would
Only cover four blocks.

Yeah, but it'll be a ride
They'll never forget.

[ telephone rings ]

Hello?

Oh, hey, babe.
What's happening?

Yeah. Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah.

No, no,
I went to the concert, yes.

Uh-huh.
Hold on just a minute.

Governor,
It's for you.

Hello?

Oh, all right.
I'll be right there.

Senator tyler wants to
See me right away in my office,

Mr. Temporary
Budget director.

He's really steamed up
About that secret surplus.

[ whining ]
Oh, no.

Senator tyler.
The governor hates him.

This is all my fault.

He's gonna
Blame m-e-e-e-e-e-e.

Will you stop whining?
I've got work to do here.

Whining is my release.

Whining is your religion.

I've got it! I've got it!
Space!

This will be good.

I just got off the phone
With a guy from nasa,

Und he is willing to sell us
An old satellite.

See?
What did I tell you?

Kraus, what on earth would we do
With a huge satellite?

We're going to
Explore space!

Let's start by exploring
The space between your ears.

Just forget it, kraus.

We're spending the money
On a b*llet train.

A b*llet train?!

[ german accent ]
A satellite?!

Let's put the satellite
On the b*llet train

And sh**t it four blocks
Into space.

[ telephone rings ]

[ normal voice ] yes?

Oh, yes, governor.

Yes, I'll tell him.
Oh, uh, sir?

I-I would like to
Just take this opportunity

To point out
That technically

This surplus occurred
During benson's term

As budget director.

It's a problem
Which I inherited from benson.

Benson created the problem.
Yes, sir.

Yes, sir, I'll tell him.
Yes, sir.

Hmm, governor wants to
See you in his office, pronto.

You are good, clayton.
You're extraordinary.

This is the first time
I've ever seen

Anyone stabbed in the back
Right in front of their face.

[ door opens ]

You wanted to see me?

Ah, yes, benson.
Come in.

Sit down.

Senator tyler just made it
Very clear to me

That if I want to
Maintain my good relations

With the state legislature,

I must distance myself
From this $ million.

Distance yourself
From the $ million?

Is that
Your euphemistic way

Of easing my head
Onto the chopping block?

No, benson, no, no.
Of course not.

Are you sure you're not trying
To get me to take the rap?

No, benson,
I wouldn't do that.

Of course, if you want to
Volunteer, I'd consider it.

Uh-huh.
Does that mean
You'll do it?

No, no.
I think I'll pass.

Benson,
My old friend, benson.

Aah.

You were always the one
To volunteer

For these
su1c1de missions.

[ chuckles ]

Not this time,
Kemosabe.

You should be
The one to do this.

You caused the problem.

Now, now, now, now,
Wait a minute.

You were
The budget director.

You were the governor.

You saved the money.

And you passed the law.

I remember telling you
Last year

That we were gonna have
A problem with this surplus,

But you said, "No, no,

We'll cross that bridge
When we come to it."

Now here we are,

And you want benny
To jump in the river.

[ sighs ]

I think I see your point,
Benson.

I was using you,
Wasn't I,

To further my own programs,
And that is wrong.

I'm sorry, benson.
I am sorry.

It's my responsibility.
I'll do it.

I'll jump in the river.

No, you don't have to
Do that.

No, no, no,
My responsibility.

Look, I told you,
I'll take the heat.

No, I don't want you to now,
Benson.

Oh, for goodness sake,
Don't pout.

I told you I'll do it.

Thank you, benson.
I knew I could count on you.

Good luck
In your press conference.

Thanks.

What press conference?

Just the one you called
For : today.

I didn't call
Any press conference.

Okay. Never mind.
I've already volunteered.

You got your way.
Give yourself a pat on the back.

[ laughs ]

But I see this as an opportunity
To buy some new school buses.

No, I told you.
That's section money.

But we need
New school buses.

We're not talking need.
We're talking rules.

I'm simply trying to
Find a way

To spend
The money responsibly.

You don't have to
Be responsible.

That's why
We've given you guidelines.

But I've read
Your guidelines.

This state doesn't
Need a new senate commissary,

And we don't need to resod
The executive golf course,

And we certainly
Don't need new gold leaf

On the capitol dome.

It's too bad. All of those
Would be acceptable.

Why do I get the feeling
That you guys would be happier

If we spent the money
On $ toilet seats?

That was a low blow.
We didn't do that.

The pentagon did that.

We sent them hundreds of memos
In triplicate

Concerning that subject.

Well, good for you.
That must've stopped them cold.

All right. Fine.
You don't want my help?

I'll just be on my way.

Just what I need --
A sensitive accountant.

Benson?

Yeah?

Huh?

The governor
Has informed me

Of your courageous decision
To take the fall

For the surplus.

Politically, I think
It's an incredible blunder.

But personally,
I want you to know

From the bottom of my heart
How much I appreciate it.

Thank you, clayton.

That speech made me...
Queasy.

Benson?

Yeah? Oh.

I just wanted you to know
That I put on this suit,

And I came down here
To this press conference

To give you
Moral support.

Dumbest thing I ever did.

Thank you very much
For your support, governor.

It's perfectly
All right.

I'll be over there,
Supporting you.

Okay. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen, please.

Now...
[ clears throat ]

As most of you must know by now,
I suppose,

We have $ million left over
In the budget this year.

Now, the federal government
Wants us

To spend that money
On things we don't really need

So they can give us
Another $ million next year.

Now, if you ask me,
That's pretty damn silly.

But more importantly,
It's wasteful,

And you know who pays
For that waste.

Not the federal government,
Not the state government,

But we, the taxpayers,
Pay for that.

Now, the point is,
It's our money.

The government's got to learn
To stop spending money

Just for the sake
Of spending money.

Somebody has got to start
Putting the brakes on,

And this is as good a place
As any to start.

So we're gonna do something

That's a little
Off the beaten track,

A little revolutionary.

We're gonna put the money
In the bank.

The federal government
Can keep its $ million.

Maybe you'll be able to keep

A little money
In your pocket, too, huh,

Where I'm sure
We could all use it.

That's my decision.

[ applause ]

[ camera shutters clicking ]