03x01 - Evacuation

[bunniefuu]

This city's gonna be
under three feet of water

before this thing lets up.

"Hurricane Dottie heads
toward New England."

BARNEY: Okay, who's
got duty this week?

Uh, everybody but Dietrich.

Um, he's in court.
And Wojo is going

to Manhattan South to
be public information officer

for four days,
starting tomorrow.

Okay.

How's it going, Fish?

[CLEARS THROAT] Terrible.

You know anything
about these, Barney?

Clocks or women?

Pick one and help me.

Send it to the jeweler.

Okay. But what about the clock?

Now, there you got me.

Boy, you guys aren't
gonna believe this one.

There's million
people in this city, right?

There's nothing in here
about getting them all out.

Good morning, Wojo.

Oh. Oh, good morning, Barn.

You were saying?

Uh... Oh, yeah. Uh,

I'm talking about
evacuation, Barn.

There's... There's nothing
in here about getting 'em out.

Well, what is that?

It's the grey book manual.

I'm gonna be public
information officer

for the rest of the week.

"Procedures in the
Event of Civil Disasters."

Mm-hm.

You know something
we don't know?

Well, we're... We're
gonna have a hurricane,

and... And they're
evacuating all the beach areas

in Long Island.

Hey, it's no wonder, man.

With all that raw sewage

just, uh, hanging
around there offshore.

They're expecting -foot waves.

Whoo-wee.

Talk about high tide.

Harris, suppose all that stuff
blew into the harbor and...

And, uh, got all over Manhattan.

Now, that would be
a disaster wouldn't it?

Depends upon your point of view.

Well, I hope nothing
happens in this city

where we gotta
get the people out,

because there's no
way of doing it if it does.

Wojo, you can't
evacuate a whole city

because a sewer backs up.

You take shorter
breaths and quicker steps.

[♪♪♪]

Hey-ey, what do you say? Phew.

You want to talk about a storm?

We already talked about it.

So, what's happening, Callahan?

You know that Lt.
Stanfield over at the - ?

No.

You know the wife of the late

watch commander over at the - ?

No.

Oh, yeah.

Well, here's your APBs,

your interdepartmental
communiqués,

your directives,

and your assorted
official garbage.

Oh, yeah.

You know, we could have
a big problem on our hands.

Hey, look, it ain't our problem.

I mean, if a guy's wife
wants to play around on him,

I mean, there ain't
nothing we can do about it.

Whose wife?

Which precinct?

Look, the man is talking
about national emergency,

not local, uh, slap and tickle.

What kind of emergency?

Like a... A w*r.

What kind of w*r?

A big w*r.

A-a nuclear w*r.

And we had to
evacuate the whole city.

Okay.

Okay. You guys on
motorcycles. You're...

You're trained in
crowd control, right?

Right.

What are you gonna do
with, uh, million people?

Eleven million?

Mm-hm.

Well, you get out
there and you say,

"Keep moving, keep moving ."

Hey, come on, Wojo.

There's not gonna be
another w*r anyway, man.

I mean, it just doesn't
make any sense

economically, psychologically
or geographically.

Okay, uh, it doesn't
have to be a w*r.

It... It could be an earthquake.

Oh, it's a pretty
slim chance, man.

But it's a chance.

You know, Harris, things
have a way of happening,

just all of a sudden, when...

When you least expect it.

Right, Fish?

Right.

Okay. What's the book say?

That's it. The book
don't say nothing

about getting people out.

It... It says to put 'em
down in the subway.

You can't get no million
people in the subways.

You can at : .

Hello, Callahan.
What do we got today?

Oh, the usual. Usual, captain.

You got your bulletins.
Got your hot sheets.

[CHUCKLES]

So, uh... So that's
the way it is, huh?

What way is that?

Uh, I mean, we're
all sitting ducks.

Trapped here on an island.

It's better than
the South Bronx.

I mean, you know,

like he says,
probably nothing's...

Nothing's gonna happen.

But suppose something
does happen, you know,

like a w*r.

Like a earthquake, like he says.

Yeah. or... Or a
tidal wave, Barn.

Did you have a fight
with your girlfriend, Wojo?

No. I'm just trying
to do my job.

Heh-heh, boy. [CHUCKLES]

You think you got
a future one minute,

next thing you know,

they drop one of them
H-bombs on your head,

and that's all she wrote.

Damn it, I should have
bought that cabin in Jersey.

I wouldn't worry
about it, Callahan.

If we're ground zero,

everything from here
to Philadelphia goes.

Cripe, pete's... How
far does a guy gotta go?

Detroit.

Really?

Yeah.

That's why General Motors
picked that place, man.

They can't be
risking all them cars.

[PHONE RINGING] Excuse me.

Twelfth precinct, Harris.

BARNEY: Wojo.

Wojo, you're getting
obsessed with that.

Now, will you put
that thing away

and get to work on something
you can do something about?

Okay, Barn, but...

I... I'd just like to
know the procedures

in case the siren goes off.

What siren? We
don't have a siren.

There's supposed to
be a siren up on the roof.

All right. Suppose
there is a siren up there.

And suppose it
does go off. Uh-huh.

Then we will cooperate with
the Civil Defense Department,

do whatever they say,
because it is their ball game.

There is no more Civil
Defense Department, Barn.

The city couldn't afford
to keep it going any longer.

All right, you... You've
unearthed a problem.

And you've reported it
to your superior officer.

Will you let me
handle it? File that.

Okay, Barn.

Uh, Barney?

BARNEY: Yeah.

Uh, I got a call from a
pawnshop over on th.

They got a young kid in
there who's trying to unload

some stuff that
doesn't belong to him.

"Kid." Whatever happened
to selling newspapers?

Can't hock a paper route.

[SCOFFS]

Well... Uh... Fish?

FISH: Yeah?

Would you like some fresh air?

I'd appreciate it.

Okay, go with Harris.

A pawnshop on th Street.

My pleasure.

Are you sure?

What?

That there ain't no way

to get out of this
city if we have to?

[SIGHS] No way.

Does anybody else know that?

Beats me.

[WHISTLES]

[SIGHS] You, uh, ready, Fish?

Yeah.

Uh, did Barney say
a... A pawnshop?

Yeah, on th Street. Let's go.

WOJO: Oh, no. I don't have
an extra grey book, Callahan.

I only got the one copy.

Try the - . Or try
Manhattan South.

They gotta have a
couple of extra copies.

[RUSTLING]

Yeah, right. Okay.

Hey, uh, Barn. Um,
that was Callahan.

And, uh, ha-ha,
he's over at the - .

And, uh, he... He, uh, told them

what I said about
civil disaster,

and they don't know
what to do either.

You have any bulbs?

Bulbs? Yeah, bulbs.

Uh... no.

Call Beckman. Tell him the
light in my office went out.

Okay.

Oh, Nick, we got any bulbs?

Nope. I've been
using a flashlight.

Okay, young lady.
Step right inside here.

How long do I have to stay here?

Oh, till we talk over
a little business.

I didn't do nothing. How
come you're picking on me?

Oh, you know how
it is with us cops.

We all hate kids.

It's my junk.
Why can't I sell it?

My very words.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Okay, young lady.

Is this, uh... This your horn?

Yeah.

How about it? Want
to play us a little tune?

I ain't in the mood.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

Ladies.

I understand something's not
up to par on these premises.

We need one of them
bulbs in the bathroom.

Why? Did you lose something?

I'm ruining my eyes
reading with this flashlight.

You know, they do
look sort of funny.

You shouldn't squint.

This isn't a squint.

This is a squint.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, captain.

Hello, Beckman.

I'll fix your bathroom
immediately.

Okay. How's your office?

Oh. Change the
bulb in there, will ya?

Twenty-five watts is for bats.

All right, sit down over there.

Is this the, uh, pawnshop caper?

Yeah. Says her name is Jilly.

"Jilly." Is that
short for Jillian?

Nah. It's instead of Shirley.

Shirley what?

Pappalardo. And I
didn't steal that stuff.

Silverware, transistor radio.

It's mine.

And, uh, the ring too?

Yeah.

"Knights of Columbus."

I got it for Columbus Day.

And I suppose these
are your baby teeth?

Yeah. They all fell out at once.

Dental humor.

Ever been arrested
before, Jilly?

I'm not sure.

All right, sit down over there.

Harris, I'm afraid we've
got a woman with a past.

HARRIS: I'll, uh,
check her out, Barney.

Where do you live,
kid? [DOOR CLOSES]

Manhattan.

Oh, you're gonna
make it tough, huh?

My grandfather was a cop.

Who asked you?

[TYPEWRITER CLICKING, DINGING]

You sure you want
a light on in there?

Uh... I don't mind.

It's your life.

Listen, uh, Beckman. We
got a siren up on the roof?

Yeah. But it don't work.

Why not? It's supposed to.

What are you worried about?

The minute we have
another w*r, I'll fix it.

Hey. Hey, you listen.

That... That siren
is supposed to be

kept in good working order.

It... It's supposed to be
checked once in a while.

Okay, okay. Don't sh**t.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Captain.

Hello, Creavey. What
can we do for you?

We got men
on the first watch.

How many you want
to keep for double shift?

What double shift?

Well, we heard some kind of
news about some kind of disaster.

Guys figured they'd
pick up a little overtime.

Uh, haven't heard
a thing, Creavey.

No disaster?

Sorry.

No, that's okay. It's all right.

Listen, you'll be
the first to know.

Yeah, sure. Uh...

we'll be just right downstairs.

Oh, captain.

Do we have anything
called a "grey book?"

See Wojciehowicz.

Where's your father?

Elmira.

That's a prison.

No kidding.

Where's your mother?

California.

I thought you said you
live with your parents.

I do.

Earl and Velma and Fred.

They got five other kids.

We're a group home.

Ooh, that's disgusting.

It's a city project, Fish.

Social Services Department.

Uh, Barney, I checked
with Children's Center.

She does have priors.

On probation, huh?

Yeah, she's a ward of the court.

She lives in what
they call a group home.

Fish.

Her parents dead?

Father is in Elmira.

Yeah, five-to-life.

The last time her
mother was heard from,

she was living in San Diego,

going steady with
an aircraft carrier.

Who runs that home?

Ah, house parents. You know.

The city pays adults
to live in with the kids.

Some people do
anything for money.

Ahem.

Ah, see if you can get
anybody on the phone.

Tried, Barn. There's no answer.

All right, keep
trying. All right.

Fish, you take the kid
and, uh, check the place out.

Yeah. Okay, kid.

You're going to take a ride.

Where are we going?

FISH: To your house.

What for? You're
not gonna like it.

Don't worry about it.

I don't like much anyway.

All right.

Hi. Hi.

Oh. Cute kid. What do I care?

Barney, can I talk
to you in your office?

What's up?

I'm not sure yet, Barney.

What do you hear?

Rumors.

Biggies.

What's up, inspector?

Barney, uh, you got any
plans for evacuating the area?

You mean the building?

I mean the whole precinct.

Whole precinct? That's
two square miles. Sh.

Keep it down, Barney, will you?

What's happening?

Oh, I can't tell
you that, Barney.

How come?

Well, the truth is I
don't know myself,

you see, but the thing is that

we're afraid of
starting any panic.

Panic? Yeah. Yeah.

You know how rumors are, Barney.

You know, somebody
says something in the street.

The first thing it goes
from word to mouth.

Whole city's running
around, you know, screaming:

"Hey, the world's
coming to an..."

Hey, who is that up
there on that ladder?

Mr. Beckman, the custodian.

BARNEY: Deputy Inspector Luger.

Oh, it's a pleasure, sir.

Likewise, I'm sure.

Oh, Beckman. Yes, sir.

Anything you heard in here
about evacuation or panic,

you keep it under your hat.

Do you understand?
Oh, absolutely.

I've been associated with
the police force for years.

In one ear, and I
forget everything.

That's good.

You're all set, captain.

All right.

Beckman.

What's going on in
there? Nothing. Nothing.

Beckman, you were in there.
What are they were saying?

I don't know nothing...

but I'm gonna fix
the siren anyway.

Hey, Harris. Was
that Inspector Luger

that just came up here?

Yeah, he's inside
with the captain.

Ah, big trouble, huh?

I don't know. He didn't say.

Well, you know, the guys
were just trying to pick up

a little overtime.

Well, you know, you never know.

I mean, with a little
luck, the whole society

could just come
apart at the seams.

Hope so.

Now, look. Now, you say

there's no way to
get these people here

out of New York, huh?

Nope. No way.

Other than normal civil
defense procedures.

Mm. Every man for himself, huh?

More of less, yeah.

Uh, what about Jersey?

Inspector, all we've got
so far are a few rumors.

Ah, that's what I
thought at first too.

Until I heard some
of them politicians

talking down at city hall
about protecting themselves.

Oh, yeah. You gotta be
able to read the signs, Barney.

That's true.

Sure.

Well, you know,
down in West Virginia,

they're scooping
out a whole mountain

for the president and his bunch.

Did you know that, Barney?

In the case of emergency,
you have to have some provision

for the seat of government.

That's why the most
important thing for us right now

is to figure out some place

where us cops will
be safe, you know?

Then once we get there, we
can let some other people in.

I mean, if they
get there in time,

or if there's room for 'em.

You really believe there
ain't gonna be a third big w*r?

Hey, you kidding?

I mean, the Russians aren't
gonna blow the Olympics, man.

Oh, uh, by the way, Barney, uh,

you got an extra copy
of that, uh, grey book?

No, I'm sorry, we don't.

Well, I can pick
one up someplace.

Sure.

What is it? Just a
little grey book, eh?

Um, yeah. Pretty much.

It say anything
on the front? Uh...

Here's ours, inspector. Hm?

Oh, sure it is. Thanks, Wojo.

"Procedures in the
Event of Civil Disasters."

Barney, what was I telling you?

Uh, that's just was saying
to Callahan a few hours ago.

Callahan? Yeah.

The big-mouth
motorcycle cop? Well, I...

Huh? What, was he in here
sh**ting off his face again?

Huh? About me and the
cashier in that restaurant

over at Bensonhurst? No, no.

Yeah, well, I want you to
know she's a very nice woman.

She's practically separated
from her husband too.

The bigmouth.

That's how all those
rumors start, Barney.

Absolutely.

Thanks, Wojo.

Can I use the phone
in your office, Barney?

Be my guest.

All I was trying to do
was get enough money

to keep in school
for a few days.

This stuff don't mean
nothing to Fred anymore.

Why didn't you tell
me he was dead?

It slipped my mind.

Who's dead?

Fred.

House parent number three.

He's upstairs
packed in ice cubes.

We were just trying
to keep him cold

till Earl and Velma get back.

House parents number
one and two are out of town.

I called Juvenile and
sent the other kids

back to the Children's Center.

You didn't have to do that.

We could have took
care of ourselves.

Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. Wait a minute.

What k*lled Fred?

Coroner says natural causes.

You know, aggravation. Sit down!

I'm not going back
to Children's Center.

Take it easy.

I hate it! I don't want to live

where you get pushed
around and the food stinks.

If I can take it,
you can take it.

[SIREN BLARING]

What the hell is that?

Uh, I guess Beckman
fixed the siren.

Wonderful. Just what
we need at a time like this.

There, I fixed it!

Now I can't turn it off!

Only wanted to
know if we had one.

All right, all right. Go find
the master switch and k*ll it,

so we don't panic
the whole precinct.

I hope you're satisfied!

Hey. Just rules and regulations.

Let's get on the
phone to Dispatch.

Uh, uh, have 'em
send some patrol cars

around the neighborhood
with bullhorns,

telling everybody
it's just a false alarm.

I hope you're right.

[PHONE RINGING]

Creavey, there's no
work! The city has nobody.

Will you get outta here?

Inspector. Yeah?

It's the commissioner.

It's for you.

Barney, it's Manhattan South.

They say our siren
isn't supposed to be on.

Tell 'em "No kidding."

No kidding.

Hello, hello. This is,
uh, Captain Miller here.

Yeah, what? Yes,
I'm fully aware of that.

It was, uh, unintentional.

W-why has the siren
gone on, Barney?

Unintentional.

It was unintentional,
commissioner.

Uh, look at it as a...
A... An unscheduled test.

All right, relax,
relax. Take it easy.

Well, you know, there are
million people in this city.

And i-if something did go wrong,

there is no way
of getting them out.

Are you aware of that?

Well, we have heard rumors,
sir. Huh? Well, biggies.

Yeah. Unfounded?

Uh, they're all unfounded.
Uh, thank you, sir.

Well, look it up
in your grey book.

Grey book!

[SIREN GOES OFF]

Panic? In the... In the city?

Oh, at city hall.

Oh, they all left,
huh? Where'd they go?

Well, you think you can
get 'em back, commissioner?

Oh, I-I certainly hope so too.

Yes, sir. Goodbye.

Heh-heh.

Well, get one and read
it and learn something!

Barney, take it easy.

It... It was all talk, Barney.

It was all just loose talk.

Sure, this time. But someday!

[PHONES RINGING] Harris?

No, sir. Look, don't
pay any attention to it.

Now, look, it was
a false alarm. Right.

Believe me, there's no trouble.

It is a mistake.

The siren went on...

[BOTH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Yes, ma'am.

Well, I'll see you around, men.

No. No emergency. Yes, ma'am.

Twelfth precinct,
Captain Miller speaking.

Oh, and listen, Barney...
H-hold on, please.

Now, what I said about
me and that cashier

over in Bensonhurst, you
know, there's nothing to that.

Oh.

It was unfounded, Barney.
All unfounded. Sure.

Keep it under
your hat, will you?

I mean, don't say
anything about it.

No problem. Right.
Good. Fine. Thanks.

I'll see you around, boys.

Uh, th precinct,
Captain Miller speaking.

I wouldn't lie to you.

Don't worry about
it. It's a mistake.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

All right, let's go.

To Children's Center?

Yep.

You mean, you're
just gonna dump me?

What do you want
me to do? Adopt you?

Come on, come on. Let's go.

You know, there are some women

men can never get
out of their system.

Maybe someday
they'll find a laxative.

I'm not gonna take you
anywhere on Saturday.

I'm gonna stay home
and watch the ball game.

Because I had a tough
week, and I had a crazy woman

on my hands yesterday.

[PHONE RINGS]

Twelfth precinct, Harris.

Uh, sure, yes.
H-hang on a minute.

Uh, Fish. Yes?

Line two. It's Bernice.

Hang on, Jilly.

Hello, Bernice.

Yeah?

No, I don't want to go.

I'm gonna stay in bed.

Because I had a tough
week, and I had a crazy woman

on my hands yesterday.

Light's on in there, Nick.

I know. I'm gonna turn it off.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Barn, did you hear
about the earthquake

and tidal wave
in the Philippines?

Yeah. Terrible. Terrible.

[SIGHS]

Says here the, uh,
Chinese got the atom b*mb.

Wojo... Wojo, you're
gonna have to learn

to live with one
irrevocable fact.

And that is that if
anything happens,

there is no way to
get million people

out of this city in a hurry.

Then what are we gonna do?

We just have to
hope that mankind

never gets to that point

in their relationships
where they'll allow

something like to happen.

And we have to do
everything we can to prevent it.

Okay.

What do we do?

Wojo, you're making me crazy.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]