03x05 - The Election

[bunniefuu]

Uh, what's the latest
line on, uh...? Uh, Carter?

Four-to- ? Pass.

Anything good in the senatorial?

No, no, forget it.

Oh... Oh... Oh, put $ on,
uh, Hawaii to go Republican.

Yeah, I heard a
little something.

My uncle's got a shmata
business in, uh, Honolulu.

That's right. Good.

Don't you got anything
better to do with your time?

Nope.

No murders? No muggings?

No ripoffs, no r*pes.

It'll make you lose your
faith in human nature.

Well, I did my
patriotic duty. I voted.

Congratulations. Yup.

Boy, it's really exciting down
there at the polls, you know?

People laughing and joking.

It's kind of inspiring.

Yeah.

Did you vote yet?

Uh, no, not yet.

Who are you gonna vote for?

I haven't made my mind up yet.

Well, uh, are you a
democrat or republican?

I haven't made my mind up yet.

Here's your coffee.

Oh, thanks. Is it fresh?

The grounds are.

I can't vouch for the water.

Well, what could
live in your coffee?

Wojo, check out these hot
sheets against the APB's.

Yeah. Uh, did
you vote yet, Barn?

No, not yet. I got time.

Who you gonna vote for?

Gonna vote for a
lot of different people.

One for each office, of course.

And for president?

Yeah, I'm gonna
vote for one of those.

Who?

Wojo, the secret ballot

is one of America's most
treasured possessions.

Yeah, I know. I just wanna
find out if we dig the same guy.

I respect your opinion.

Tell me, would you
still respect my opinion

if we don't vote
for the same guy?

Sure, Barn.

You're not gonna vote for
someone crazy, are you?

Okay, Mr. Crippen,
come on. Inside.

Oh, this is all a terrible
misunderstanding.

I assure you I can
pay for those things.

Then why didn't you?

I... I didn't have time.

But you had time to,
uh, shove a few things

into your pockets,
though, didn't you?

Please, don't treat
me like a criminal.

I'm under a doctor's care.

What's the matter with you?

I'm sick.

Shoplifting, Barney.

Siegel's department store.

It was just an impulse.

Mr. Crippen, um,

you wanna have a
seat over here, please?

Say, uh, you, uh...

You wouldn't happen to know
a Shirley Feldman, would you?

Lives over on
Central Park West?

No.

I was just curious. She, uh...

She wears things like this.

Uh, Mr. Crippen, would
you like to have a seat

over here, please?

What is your, uh, address, sir?

Riverside Drive.

Okay.

Look, I didn't really
mean to steal those things.

I've always paid
for them in the past.

It's nice stuff.

Please, if this were to get out,

it could ruin my reputation.

Just let me take
those things back.

Look, I can't do
that, Mr. Crippen.

You see, the kind
of stuff you stole

can't be returned.

But they've never been worn.

Barney, a guy on West th, uh,

says, uh, he got hit on
the head by a toilet seat.

I beg your pardon?

He says he thinks it was thrown
from a third-floor apartment.

Dietrich? Yes.

You involved in anything?

A little of this,
little of that.

Yeah. Check this out.

"Toilet seat fell on
West th Street

from third-floor window."

Any survivors?

Fortunately, it was
unoccupied at the time.

It would be embarrassing
if the fall didn't k*ll you.

Strange man.

Okay.

Uh, Barney? BARNEY: Uh-huh?

I checked out Mr. Crippen.

He's got, um, no
previous arrests.

Good family,
responsible businessman.

He's got an office
in Wall Street

and charge accounts at all
the big stores in New York.

Did you call Siegel's?

Yeah, they're pressing charges.

I mean, they were
very understanding

until I told them about
the other charge accounts.

Clarence Darrow you're not.

Sorry, Barn.

By the way, uh, he
wants to vote too.

Oh, that's commendable.

Yeah, well, he was
on his way to the polls

when he got picked up.

First things first.

Uh, yeah.

You know, Wojo,

it used to be a cinch to
pick the presidential race.

You know, the guy with the
longest name always won.

Uh, Truman over Dewey.

Uh, Eisenhower over Stevenson.

Roosevelt over, uh, everybody.

Nixon b*at McGovern.

Yeah, he screwed up everything.

You might say that.

Mm-hm.

You're a democrat,
right, Harris?

Hey, man, are you kidding?

Do you know how
much I paid for this outfit?

Hey. Hey, you know,
as of the last half-hour,

uh, Ford was, uh, even money.

I thought you bet on Carter?

I don't care who
wins. It's the sport of it.

Two hours locked up in a toilet.

What was I supposed to do?

You're lucky you
didn't k*ll somebody.

Have a seat... Uh,
a chair, Mrs. Relke.

She threw this out the window
with "help" written on the lid.

Just missed the guy.

I only did it to
attract attention.

That'll do it.

Her husband locked
her in the bathroom.

Why?

BeCause I told
him I had the right

to vote for anybody I wanted to.

Democrats.

Inhibiting someone's
right to vote

is a federal offense.

Well, I certainly hope so.

We're gonna have to have
a little talk with Mr., uh...?

Relke. R-E-L-K-E.

Charles Kaiser Relke.

And I would like to
have him arrested.

Harris, uh, you and Dietrich.

Let's find Mr. Charles
Kaiser Relke.

Bring him in for questioning.

Mrs. Relke will
give you the details.

Okay, Barney.

Mrs. Relke,

you wanna have a
seat over here, please?

Well, what would you
do if somebody told you

you couldn't vote?

I'd move south.

You got any evidence tags?

Yeah.

Here. Thank you.

Got any coffee left?

Sure, it's... Wash
your hands first.

Oh, hi.

Inspector.

Hi, Barney. BARNEY:
Ah, inspector.

What can we do for you?

I, uh... You got
some security set up

over at the Greenwich
Hotel for the night?

There's gonna be some big doings
going on over there, you know.

Party for a local
politician, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah. A little
shindig for Jake Scofield.

Our next city councilman,
with a little luck.

Jake Scofield. I've read his
name in the paper, haven't I?

Yeah, get this, Barney:

If, uh, Scofield gets elected,
guess who's got a sh*t at...

At becoming the next
full-fledged police commissioner

of the N.Y.P.D.? No kidding.

Yeah, huh? How about that?

Scofield? Scofield?

Wasn't he involved in those
garbage-payoff scandals?

They never pinned a
thing on him, Barney.

I've known Scofield
for two years,

ever since he was
assistant bookkeeper

at the Department of Sanitation.

Before he had a dime. Oh.

You know how the newspapers
jump on stuff like that, Barney.

Yeah, yeah, sure. Sure.

Captain Miller, the polls
will be closed in an hour.

Okay, Mr. Crippen.

Who's that?

Oh, that's Mr. Crippen.

He was arrested for shoplifting.

He wants to vote.
Who's he gonna vote for?

I haven't asked him.

What did he lift?

Captain Miller, it's my
constitutional right to vote,

isn't it? All right.

Even under these circumstances.

We'll see what we can do.

Wojo, take Mr. Crippen
over to the polls,

let him vote and
then bring him back.

Sure, Barn.

Uh, who's he gonna vote for?

I haven't asked him.

You stole women's drawers?

I didn't intend to.

I wanted to pay for them.

A little present
for your wife, huh?

I'm not married.

Ah. Ain't you disgusting.

Uh, Wojo. WOJO: Yes, sir.

Y-you vote yet?

Sure did, inspector. Good. Good.

Probably voted for
Jake Scofield, right?

Uh, no, I didn't vote for him.

Well, shame on
you, Wojciehowicz.

He's just the man
the city deserves.

We haven't had a
candidate like Jake Scofield

since the days of, uh...

Hey, did you ever
hear of Tammany Hall?

Yeah, they were
a bunch of crooks.

Where did you get that?

I learned it in school.

School. Ick.
Consider the source.

Yeah, well, I'll see
you around, Barn.

Yeah. Oh, listen.

By the way, when me
and Scofield make it,

don't think I'm gonna
forget my good friends

here at the old one-two, huh?

Maybe, uh, a fresh paint
job, a new drinking fountain.

We'll keep a good thought.

Oh, what's the pervert's name?

Crippen.

Hi there, Mr.Crippen, sir.

A moment, please.

May I ask you to remember
the name Jacob Scofield,

city councilman,
borough of Manhattan?

Jacob Scofield.
I've heard the name.

Of course you have. Sure.

He's for justice,
progress and, uh...

And all that other good stuff
like that there, you know?

Oh, I'll keep him in mind.

That's all I could
ask, Mr. Crippen.

Thank you, sir.

I'll tell you, Barney.

First thing Scofield's gonna
do when he gets elected

is get freaks like
that off the streets.

Hm.

Cherchez la femme, huh, Barney?

If my husband's
not at home, he's...

He's probably in the
park yelling at somebody.

We'll find him.

We always get our man.

Cop talk.

He never talks. He always yells.

He's been yelling for years.

I can't even hear normal
conversation anymore.

Would you like some
more coffee? What?

Coffee?

Oh, no, thank you.
I can't drink coffee.

Do you have any more of this?

We're out.

Wojo not back yet?

No, I guess the
polls are crowded.

Yeah, I wanna get there myself.

Uh, Mrs. Relke, it won't
be necessary to hold you.

After we've questioned your
husband, we'll contact you.

I appreciate it.

And if you wanna vote,
better get a move on.

Harris and Dietrich
check in yet?

Haven't called in yet. Hm.

Listen, is there anything wrong
with my voting Republican?

Oh, not particularly, no.

I mean, what's-his-name

hasn't done such a
bad job so far, has he?

No.

Okay, Mr. Relke, step inside,

empty your pockets
and take a seat, huh?

This is Mr. Relke, Barney.

We found him in the
park yelling at people.

So this is the payment
for years of devotion,

right, Edna?

Dragged into prison in
irons like some animal, huh?

I just wanted somebody to come
and get me out of the bathroom.

Sure. Me, me. Get
me, take me, buy me.

Did you ever have a thought
for someone else, huh?

I had to throw a toilet
seat out the window.

Sure, sure, what do you
care? It's only money, right?

Mr. Relke, preventing
someone from voting

is a violation of
their civil rights.

That's a federal offense.

Well, someday you'll thank me.

He locked me up in that bathroom

because I wanted
to vote Republican.

I'd like to see you
try to get away with

something like
that up here. Harris.

Sorry, Barney.

You see what it is? She
don't know the issues.

She don't know the people.

She don't even
know foreign policy.

She don't even know
gross national product.

You know the
problem with us, Edna?

You never grew with me.

I got a right to my opinion.

Mr. Relke, th-this is more
than a family squabble.

It's a question of
constitutional law here.

Your wife has the right to vote.

Sure, sure. W-what about
me? Don't my vote count, huh?

Of course it does.

Look, look, I vote Democrat
because I pay attention.

I mean, I read, and I
know the issues, you see?

And out of pure spitework,

she's gonna vote Republican
just to cancel out of my vote!

So help me Edna, if I had
you alone for five minutes...

No, no. No threats, please.

You're an animal.

Mr. Relke.

Uh, Barn, could I
talk to you a minute?

Where's Crippen?

Uh, he got away.

Escaped?

Barn.

Barn, can I talk to
you a minute alone?

What happened? What happened?

How'd he get away? Barn.

Did you put out an APB? Barn.

In my office.

Well, I had to take
his handcuffs off

so he could pull the lever.

And, uh, they made me
wait outside the booth,

because that's the law.

And?

Well, and, uh, after
about minutes or so,

I... I started to
get suspicious.

Good.

But I... I figured he
was just having trouble

making up his mind.

I mean, it took me a half-hour.

And?

And, uh, so then
when I looked inside,

he crawled out the other side.

I mean, it really stinks, Barn.

You do what you can for a guy.

You gave him his rights.

"Wojo, take him down to
the polls and let him vote."

And this is how he thanks you.

He runs out on you and
makes you look like a idiot.

I assume you took some
steps to preserve my image?

Yeah, I put out a APB on him

and I got a car
waiting at his office

and a car at his house.

I appreciate that.

It's okay, Barn.

You know, this don't make
me look too good either.

He got away from you, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, look, don't worry about it.

It's, uh... It's just
something that happens.

I mean, uh, we're human.

There's nobody that's perfect.

We do our jobs, we
do the best we can,

and every once in a while, it...

Because we're fallible,
the unforeseen happens.

It just... It just happens.
You understand?

You ever lose a
prisoner, Dietrich?

Me? No, are you kidding?

Okay, Mrs. Relke,

what you do is you,
uh, sign right here.

What is it?

This is a complaint charging
Mr. Relke with as*ault.

Hey, hey, wait a minute.
Edna, wait a minute.

There was no as*ault.

Did you or did you not
lock me up in a bathroom?

I could've locked you
in the closet, but no,

I was being considerate.

What happens if I don't sign it?

Well, then Mr. Relke
here goes free as a bird.

Ah-ha. How about that?
The shoe is on the other foot.

How would you like it
if I had you locked up?

Come on, Edna.
Yeah, come on, Edna.

I mean, I've typed
this up in triplicate.

I wanna see somebody go to jail.

Okay, Charlie, I
won't sign it this time,

but I'm gonna take it with me.

Can I keep the date open on it?

I'll settle for that.

Anything yet?

Oh, not yet.

Uh, you keep me informed.

Oh, Captain Miller, I want to
thank you for your courtesy.

A pleasure, Mrs. Relke.

I'm going to the polls.

Well, good.

Have you got any
recommendations?

Ah-ha. I'm afraid
this is something

you're gonna have
to do by yourself.

Well, you're such a fine person.

I thought maybe you might
be able to give me a little hint.

I appreciate it, Mrs.
Relke, but I'm afraid I can't.

You're under arrest!

Yes, I know.

Welcome back, Mr. Crippen.

The manager of Siegel's
agreed to drop the charges

if I paid for the merchandise

and if I opened up
a charge account.

Here's the receipt.

That ought to cover everything.

Well, that don't cover nothing,
because you're a fugitive.

He's right, uh, Mr. Crippen.

You escaped from the
custody of a police officer.

I haven't escaped,
captain. I'm still in custody.

What about the last two hours?

Yes, well, I looked for you.

I've been looking for you!

Well, maybe we just
missed each other.

Wojo, uh, why don't
you, uh, call Siegel's

and, uh, check this
out...? But Barn...

Just one thing at a time.

You wanna sign
for this, Mr. Relke?

Oh, look at it. It's busted.

Get another one.

It's part of a set.

How about you?
What do you think?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs.
Relke. I can't help you.

You see, we have,
uh, different problems.

Are you kidding?

I lived for years just
outside of Harlem.

Oh, yeah.

Living just outside of Harlem

is like living just
outside of Sing Sing.

Hey, uh, we got
minutes left, Barney.

Yeah, I'll make it.

Wait, Harris. I'll
walk out with you.

All right, let's go.

How about you?
Could you give me hint?

I don't discuss
politics or religion

with close personal friends.

We're not friends.

Well, we could be. I
like you, you like me.

Well, I guess so.

Good night, Edna. Keep in touch.

Barney, Siegel's ain't
gonna press charges.

Okay, then all
that's left to consider

is Mr. Crippen's absence.

His escape.

Well, if you think
that was his intent,

by all means, book him.

Wait a minute. What do you
mean "think it was his intent"?

Well, intent is a very
important part of law.

I'm not a judge, Barn.

Well, neither am I,
but as police officers

we should at least be certain
that we have grounds for arrest.

Okay. Okay.

If you think that his intent
was to escape, that's one thing,

but if you happen to feel

that you just lost
track of each other...

But he... He didn't
come out of that booth

the way he went in.

Well, see you in an hour.

Unless, uh, I wasn't
paying attention.

Whatever you say.

I'll think about it.

I made up my mind.

I'm not gonna vote at all.

What is it, one lousy vote?

Now, that would be
a mistake, Mrs. Relke.

Voting is not only a
privilege, it's a responsibility.

Okay, okay.

I got one vote and I don't
know what to do with it.

Somebody give me a suggestion.

Edna.

You watch your mouth, Charlie.

Mrs. Relke, a person cannot
become politically aware

in minutes.

Why don't you start
preparing for ?

Okay, but how do I
make my choice now?

All right, I'll tell
you what you do.

You go into the booth... Uh-huh.

And you close your eyes... Yeah.

And you pick.

But I could be wrong.

But you could be right.

Now, there is a brilliant man.

Captain Miller, wait for me.

You know, when
we first got married,

I was taller then she is.

Okay, come on. b*at it.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

It's paid for.

Going to vote, Nick?

Yeah. I still don't know
who I'm gonna vote for.

I'm all over the board.

I... I... I got bets
on five senators.

I got... I got Carter
here at -to- , bucks,

bucks, -to- on Ford.

The hell with it. I'm gonna
vote for somebody I like.

We'll be going back
to Harry Reasoner

for more coverage of
Election ' in a few minutes,

but, uh, now a look at how
the returns are shaping up

in local and statewide races.

How come you're a republican?

Because those of us who
are into the decategorization

of the stereotypical
political alignments

are also broadening
our horizons.

And in the race for that
vacant city council seat,

with percent of
the vote counted,

it's Dukowski , ,

and Scofield trailing badly
with just under votes.

Ah, it's early yet.

Maybe they'll, uh,
have a recount.

Well, yeah, maybe
it's just as well.

I mean, uh, police commissioner?

Ha! Who needs it?

Pencil-pushing, bootlicking
job like that, huh, Barney? Right?

Right. Huh? Sure.

Better off here. Yeah.

I'd rather be here
on the f*ring line,

you know, with the real cops,

than sitting behind a desk
someplace, huh, Barn?

Right.

Eight thousand votes
for crying out loud.

Well, inspector. The
public must be served.

Yeah.

Damn shame, ain't it?