03x06 - Werewolf

[bunniefuu]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Twelfth Precinct, Yemana.

Oh, hold it a minute, ma'am.

A UFO landed in Central Park.

Anybody need any cheering up?

There's nothing funny anymore.

I can't believe a whole shift
of cops out with swine flu.

[LAUGHS]

You know, there's a
joke in there somewhere.

But not for this crowd.

Anybody see the, uh,
file on, uh, hallucinations?

I didn't even know we had one.

Oh, here it is.

That whole thing
is hallucinations?

Yeah. That's just our precinct.

You can imagine how many
there are in the whole city, huh?

Be thankful they don't have
enough brains to organize.

Nick, we're out of coffee.

That's the last of it.

I didn't get a chance
to get down to the store.

Well, how are we supposed
to stay awake with no coffee?

My grandfather told
me an old oriental trick

for staying awake if you had to.

You convince yourself that
if you fall asleep, you die.

Thinking about it
keeps you awake.

Hey, look, what happens
if you want to go to sleep

but you can't stop
thinking about dying, huh?

I don't know.

I think that's what
opium dens are for.

Well, we have been
promised relief at : tonight.

Ten o'clock?

Yeah, they're trying
to work up a shift

out of three other precincts.

Hey, things are, uh,
really that bad, huh?

Half of the plainclothes
force is out with, uh, the flu.

That's an epidemic.

Not quite. It's not
official yet, but close.

In any case they're, uh,
sending a nurse down

from the Board of Health
to, uh, give us all sh*ts.

sh*ts?

Yeah, the swine flu vaccine.

You mean, uh, needles?

Yeah.

You're all welcome to
use the couch in my office

if anybody wants to take a nap.

Not me.

Barn, uh...

Barn, how come
they don't have, uh,

pills for that sort of thing?

Medical research
hasn't come up with it yet.

All they got is sh*ts.

You mean needles.

[LAUGHS]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Twelfth Precinct, Fish.

What was that?

What...?

Don't get excited.

Barney.

What's your name and address?

What's up?

Fella yelling, "Stop
me before I k*ll."

Hello? Hello?

Married probably.

Hello? Hung up.

Uh, his name's Kopechne. Uh,
this is the address he gave me.

A cooperative psychopath?

Harris, Wojo,

uh, check into that,
but, uh, be careful.

Yeah, okay, Barney.

YEMANA: Uh, and
pick up some coffee.

Uh, pounds, drip grind.

Hey, man, look.

I got to go out into the
dark streets of this asylum

to try and find some wacko
who's threatening to go off

on a k*lling binge and you
expect me to remember

to pick up pounds
of coffee, drip grind?

Sorry.

Write it down, man.

[♪♪♪]

All right, stick with him and,
uh, take care though, huh?

All right.

Well, it appears Kopechne
wasn't, uh, armed.

But the minute he saw the
squad car he took off into...

Fish?

Fish, you all right?

Yeah, good night, Barney.

Good idea. Check out and
go get some sleep, huh?

Who, me?

No, no, no, I... I'm fine.

Come on, what are
you talking about?

You haven't been
home in hours.

I'm okay, I can stay away
from home as long as anybody.

Longer.

We have a robbery here, captain.

Mr. and Mrs.
Fuller, from Denver.

I'll take care of it, sir.

We've been in town minutes.

Held up at gunpoint.

Some vacation.

Welcome to New York, Fullers.

Stick 'em up, tourists.

It's our first visit here.

I know just how you feel.

Well, we did plan
a trip last year,

but I was having female trouble.

I know how that feels too.

We were supposed
to take a cruise,

but we had to
get off of the boat.

My wife here gets seasick.

So here we are.

Well, uh, have a seat, will you?

Oh. And, uh,

you can tell me
exactly what happened.

Well, I... I just couldn't
keep anything down.

Not even water.

Captain Miller?
BARNEY: Yeah, right here.

Miss Jackson, Board of Health.

Oh, is that for me?

No, just police officers.

Inoculations.

Is there anything you need?

Just some space and some bodies.

Uh, how about over here?

Oh, excuse me, what
are the inoculations for?

Swine flu.

Oh, nothing for arthritis?

I'm afraid not.

Never hurts to ask.

We were in a cab

on our way from the
airport to the hotel,

when this guy pulls a g*n on us.

Wait, wait, wait,
who's "this guy"?

The cabdriver.

And you wouldn't believe it

because he seemed
like a very nice person.

That should have tipped you off.

He got everything we had.

Luggage, jewelry, cash,
even our travelers checks.

Well, at least those
are refundable.

Oh, no, they're not.

Because he got our list of
all the check numbers too.

Karl never mentions that.

Okay, right here, Mr. Fuller.

Nick. YEMANA: Yeah.

Check, uh, stolen taxicabs.

YEMANA: Right.

Yellow cab?

Why, yes, how did you know?

Experience.

Sergeant Phillip K. Fish?

Yeah.

JACKSON: You're
first on the list.

Okay.

But these things don't
do much good for me.

It could keep you
a little healthier.

Compared to what?

Where would you like to get it?

In the arm for a change.

Ah!

Thank you, Miss Nurse.

My pleasure.
Captain, you're next.

How was it? Extremely painful.

What are the odds
that, uh, this thing

is gonna keep me
from getting flu?

What are the odds
that those people

are gonna recover
their property?

That bad, huh?

I was trying to pay
you a compliment.

Leave the miracles for medicine.

YEMANA: Barney.

Ah!

Uh, got a cab reported
stolen yesterday.

There's an APB
on it, no trace yet.

All right, stay with
it. YEMANA: All right.

I think you're next, Nick.

Oh, yeah...

Sergeant Yemana.

Sergeant Yemana?

Yep.

Have you ever had jaundice?

No, I lost my tan.

This ain't no city no more, man.

It's just one big cuckoo clock.

What happened? Where's Wojo?

Downstairs with that
crazy mother, Kopechne.

Look at this suit.

Two hundred and fifty bucks

and I got dirt and
grass stains everywhere.

Harris, I know how much
you and your wardrobe

have always meant to each
other, but what happened?

Look, we chased
Kopechne into Central Park.

And when we finally caught him,

he was laying on the
ground, kicking and growling

and clawing at the dirt.

Growling? [LOUD HOWLING]

What the hell is that?

It's Kopechne, Barney.

He's a werewolf.

[KOPECHNE HOWLING]

I better put some
papers down in the cage.

Oh, I tell you,
man, I am fed up.

I did not become a detective
to spend my evenings

rolling around in the
grass with some Twinkie.

Where's the coffee?

I'm gonna pretend
I didn't hear that.

Hello, there.

You must be the nurse.

Wojciehowicz?

Hardly.

All right, come on, in here.

And, uh, keep it down, huh?

I really can't help
it, it just comes out.

Yeah, sure, right.

This is our, uh, man?

Stefan Kopechne, captain.

Guess what he thinks he is?

A werewolf.

Right.

Uh, that was him
howling down there.

I was hoping it
wasn't one of ours.

Thank God you got me.

Thank God I'm off the streets.

Sit down.

Aren't you gonna lock me up?

Just sit down. The
sooner I'm behind bars,

the better off you'll be.
Just sit down, Mr. Kopechne.

In a few minutes we'll
get the information.

Oh, all right, but we
don't have a lot of time.

There's a full moon tonight.

So?

You're not Romanian, are you?

Wojciehowicz. It's Polish.

Well, then you
wouldn't understand.

Just take my word for it.

My great-grandfather was born
in the Carpathian Mountains.

When the moon was full,

no one would come
within a mile of him.

You spell it the
same way it sounds.

Wojciehowicz.

He was cursed.

And he passed
the curse on to me.

Mr. Kopechne, are you
under a doctor's care?

What do you think this is?

Some kind of take-two-aspirin-

and-call-me-in-the-morning
situation?

I'm a werewolf, damn it!

Don't you understand?

How are you?

A werewolf.

And you didn't want
to go to Yellowstone

on account of the bears.

You've gotta believe me,
captain, you gotta believe me.

I... I believe you,
Mr. Kopechne, I believe you.

Oh, thank you.

A man wouldn't lie
about a thing like that.

Nick, call Bellevue.

Barney, there really
is a full moon tonight.

Just make the call.

You know, I probably
don't even need this.

I mean, I'm a very
healthy individual.

Quit flexing.

Flexing...? Who's flexing?

That's my natural state.

[GRUNTS]

That's better. [SIGHS]

You know, uh, in about
minutes or so I'll be off

and, uh, you know,
couple hours' sleep,

I'll be ready for
almost anything.

I'll bet you would.

I take it you're Wojciehowicz?

Uh, yeah, that's right.

Is that a date?

No, thanks.

Roll up your sleeve.

Uh, I'm sorry, I
got some important

official business here...

Wojo, it'll only take second.

But, Barn, there's a
dangerous man sitting there.

We could have
been finished already.

[CHUCKLING] Look, I...

Those needles don't
bother me any more

than they bother anybody else.

I...

I don't wanna lose my
train of thought, that's all.

Can you do something else
until Detective Wojciehowicz

completes his interrogation?

Sure, how many men
you got downstairs?

BARNEY: About .

The good stuff's up
here on the second floor.

Grab the bag.

Yes, ma'am.

Hey, uh, Barney, I'm gonna,
uh, give her a hand, you know, uh,

Board of Health?

It's only fair. Hey.

Uh, occupation?

Shipping clerk.

They don't even suspect
down in the office.

They think I'm just
Kopechne in Receiving.

Quiet, courteous,
somewhat attractive.

Date of birth?

The night of
September th, .

There was a full moon.

Uh, I think I'm gonna
lock you up in the cage.

Oh, thank you.

[CELL DOOR SLAMS CLOSED]

Uh, Barn. Yeah?

Uh, I'm gonna go downstairs
and check Kopechne for priors.

Okay, fine.

Werewolf.

Some nutcake, huh, Barn?

Probably.

I mean, uh, that stuff
about the full moon.

Uh, teeth growing, hair growing.

[MOCK HOWLING]

There are more things in
heaven and earth, Wojo.

He ain't even a husky.

These are good,
strong bars, I hope.

Adequate,
Mr. Kopechne. Adequate.

What time is it?

Eleven o'clock.

I don't have much time.

Neither do I.

Wonderful, it's now
an official epidemic.

That does us no good here.

My men have now been
working over hours.

I know, you're doing
the best you can.

We'll hang in there.

Yes, sir.

[SIGHS]

Uh, Barn, I... I checked
Kopechne for priors and he's clean.

Fine.

Hey, uh, Barn, about
that, uh, sh*t stuff,

uh... You better get it quick.

Yeah, uh, I
thought I'd just pass.

Pass? What are
you talking about?

Didn't you just hear?
There's an official epidemic.

Um, Barn...

I got this thing
about, uh, needles.

That's because you're tired.

No, it's not.

Wojo, you gotta get the sh*t.

If you don't get the
sh*t, you risk getting sick

and you'll subject your
fellow officers to the same risk.

You gotta get the sh*t.

I'll faint.

Is that a thr*at?

It's a fact.

What are you talking about?
You were in the Marine Corp.

You... You had
sh*ts all the time.

I fainted all the time.

It was embarrassing.

Guys standing around
making stupid jokes.

Wojo, you're gonna get the
sh*t and you're not gonna faint.

Suppose I do?

Then you won't hear the jokes.

[DOOR OPENS]

Barney. Huh?

Manhattan South,

I think they've located,
uh, the Fullers' cab.

Oh, wonderful.

At least somebody's working.

Fish.

Hello, hello.

You all right?

Wonderful.

All right, take the, uh, Fullers
down to Manhattan South.

Why not?

We think we may have
located all your possessions.

Why... Why that's incredible.

Just another day in the New
York City Police Department.

Thank you.

Pleasure meeting
you. Likewise, captain.

Come on, Pearl.

Pearl?

Oh, what...? What time is it?

Um, to .

Oh, can't we stay
just minutes longer?

What for?

I think I saw his
eyebrows grow bushier.

Oh.

Uh, look, uh...

A nice quiet lunch, uh...

An attractive, little
out-of-the-way, uh...

I don't eat lunch.

Dinner?

Breakfast?

Dinner and breakfast?

Look, Harris, it happens I
think you're a very attractive fella.

But I can't get involved.

Well, you ain't trying.

I'm gonna get engaged.

Oh, yeah?

Who's the lucky fella?

A doctor named Friedman.

Or a doctor named Engelberg,

I haven't made up my mind yet.

[SCOFFS]

You're putting me on.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

Roll up your sleeve.

Uh, could we do it in
the captain's office?

Forget it, she's engaged.

Hey, hey, Nick, [DOOR CLOSES]

she's get... She's getting
married to a Jewish doctor.

Lucky dog.

Anybody have the time?

Uh, a little before midnight.

Oh, my God.

You feeling all
right, Mr. Kopechne?

I don't know. I'm... I'm
starting to feel strange.

You look fine.
Don't he look fine?

I don't know.

Why don't you go
take a look? Not me.

It happens slowly. Sometimes
it's hard to notice at first.

You... T-t-t-take it easy.

I'm starting to itch.

Oh, that's normal around here.

We... We...

It's like all the hair on
my legs is wriggling.

Oh, no, don't do
that, that just... Just...

It aggravates it,
don't, don't, don't.

I feel hot.

And my teeth hurt.

And my tongue is sweating.

[PANTING]

Try not to talk.

I gotta get out of here.

I need air.

Let me out of this cage.

Hey, look, man,
we can't do that.

Let me out of the cage!

Uh, how...? How abou some water?

I don't want any water!

I wanna go home!

I've gotta get some sleep
and then I gotta go to work!

Barney?

Work, work.

Look, I gotta get out of here.

I gotta get out of here.
That phone call of mine.

It was all a mistake.

[PANTING]

It was a joke.

It was a joke.

Hey, look, look, look,
man, take it easy, man.

Barney!

KOPECHNE: Let me out of here!

Out! I want to get out!

Out. Out.

Let me out of here.

Down, down, down,
Mr. Kopechne, down.

[HOWLING] Barney?

[HOWLS]

What the hell is
going on in here?

Cut that out!

It's a police station,
not a horror movie.

He's starting to
change, I swear.

What change?

Get down from there.

Take a good look. Hair's
growing out of his face.

It's called a beard.

Haven't you ever
seen one before?

Not in my family.

Uh, we're here for
a Stefan Kopechne.

Yeah, he's over there.

What's his problem?

He's a werewolf.

Okay, Mr. Kopechne.

Go.

Am I going with them?

Yes, they're gonna
take you to see a doctor.

It's a waste of time.

It's the moon, it
drives me crazy.

Something does it to all
of us every once in a while.

With you it's the moon.
With me, it's the accordion.

Doctors don't know
anything about this.

It's a very rare disease.

You don't see a lot of
lycanthropy around anymore.

Well, then somebody
must be making progress,

wouldn't you say?

I never thought of that.

Good luck, Mr. Kopechne.

Okay, here we go, no biting.

Don't patronize me.

I'm cursed.

I'm not stupid.

Where's Wojo?

He's in your office,
getting his sh*t.

Well, good news, gentlemen.

Relief has arrived.
You can all go home.

HARRIS: Oh, beautiful.
Oh, about time.

Excuse me, I'm gonna need
some cold towels and a blanket.

He fainted?

I'm afraid so.

I'll get it.

[DOOR CLOSES]

No jokes.

Night, Barn.

You okay?

Yeah.

You say something?

Hey, look, no jokes, man.

Listen...

I mean, everybody gets
queasy about something.

With you, it's, uh, needles.

With me... Jewish doctors.

Come on, Wojo. [SCOFFS]

Good night, Barn.

BARNEY: Good night.

Good night, Fish.
FISH: Good night.

Good night.

Good night, Wojo.

Good night, gentlemen.

Miss Jackson, thank
you for your patience.

My pleasure.

Which way are you going?

Down.

Hey, look, maybe I should,
uh, walk you to the subway.

I mean, it is a full moon
and, uh, you know, like that.

Up to you.

Shalom, guys.

Never say die.

Fish. Yeah.

You can go home now.

You know, it's strange,
I think that I'm actually

looking forward
to seeing Bernice.

Well, then it must be true:

Absence makes the
heart grow fonder.

So a little longer
wouldn't hurt.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]