05x14 - Voice Analyzer

[bunniefuu]

Come on, officer.

I gave you all the
information already.

Mr. Ramsen, I need the
license-plate number

On the stolen vehicle.

Ramsen .

All right.

You got two cars?

No.

Number stands for me.

I see.

Listen, I don't
care about the car.

I care about the $ , worth

Of beautiful furs inside.

Yeah, I understand.

You were in the back
of the shop at the time.

Yes, and I carried the
furs out of the back,

Put them in the back of the car,

Went back inside
to get my invoices.

I come out, and the
guy's jumping into my car

And pulls away.

You get a good look at him?

You're damn right. I
started screaming at him.

"Stop, thief! Get
out of my car!"

Like that.

He didn't stop, huh?

No, he just drove away.

And then...

He made this obscene
gesture at me.

Cheeky little devil, wasn't he?

Yeah, can you imagine that?

Here it is... Third
article this week.

Wonderful.

Just listen to this.

"A source requesting
to remain anonymous

"Said that the merchants
would make their payments

"To a bagman who
would then split his take

With his fellow detectives."

If somebody's got something,

They ain't splitting it with me.

"Total payments were estimated

At over $ , annually."

How much is that
divided by four?

How can a paper get away

With printing those lies, barn?

It's freedom of
the press, wojo...

Comes under the umbrella
of the first amendment.

Yeah, well, what about
bearing false witness

Against one's neighbor?

I said "amendment."
That's a commandment.

So?

- Subtle difference.
- I agree.

Look at that.

"One of the victims, who
refused to be identified, said

"That the bribery
kickback system

"Involved various
detectives in the rd, th...

Th, and st precincts."

"Requesting to
remain anonymous."

I'd like to find that guy
and rip out his vocal chords.

Cops taking bribes.

Personally, I wouldn't care
if the cops did take bribes.

Thank you.

I figure you got it coming.

You guys are out
there risking your lives

Protecting us every day.

So, if you need a little...

Supplemental income,

- What's the harm?
- Mm-hmm.

Nice coat.

Hmm?

Oh. Hey. Thank you.

A gift?

So I busted this john
on a lewd and lascivious,

And he says to me...

"Stereo is a big
improvement over mono."

Tell your boss I'm here.

Stereo is two.

One at each side.

Ah, never mind,
for crying out...

Lieutenant scanlon.

Captain miller.

Somehow I felt it in my bones

That we'd be seeing you today.

Oh, this is going to be a
special day, though, captain.

This is mr. Sanders.

Now, mr. Sanders is a
consultant to the department.

- Mr. Sanders.
- How do you do?

It's a tough question
nowadays, mr. Sanders.

Yeah.

Well, as you know, captain,

I'm here to ask questions
about certain allegations.

For want of a better word.

You want a better word? I
got a better word for you.

Scanlon, why don't
you just get to it, huh?

What did I tell you
about this guy, huh?

Bottom line.

Uh, captain, with the
help of mr. Sanders,

We're going to ask
questions about you

And your boys.

With the help of mr. Sanders?

Go ahead, tell him.

Captain, my firm has
developed a device

That, with the proper
execution, can measure a pattern

Of vocal stress and response

To a set of prepared questions.

Whoa. Are you
talking lie detector?

Lie detector?

You see, that's the first thing

That jumps into people's minds.

Well, what is supposed
to jump into my mind?

Captain, the device
measures vocal stress,

That's all.

You know what causes
vocal stress, don't you?

Guilty consciences.

Am I getting warm?

Proponents of these devices

Believe there are certain
audible micro-tremors

In the voice

That under stress
these micro-tremors

Are said to flatten measurably,

Thereby indicating
the possibility of a lie.

Precisely.

Critics, however, refer
to this as so much sheep dip.

- That's a lie.
- Prove it.

Uh, excuse me.

Are we required to
submit to this device?

Not if you think it might
make you look bad, no.

You could take the fifth.

Want to?

Hey, why don't you just
come ask us straight out?

Huh?

Harris, did you take any bribes?

No.

See?

Harris doesn't lie, so
you can take your machine

And stick it up your
internal affairs.

Sanders.

Wojo, wojo. Nothing for wojo.

Harris, it's a letter
from the new yorker.

Hey.

Rejection slip, I think.

How do you know?

Same envelope
the others came in.

Very observant of you.

Oh, sir.

I just want you to know, sir,

That most of the uniforms
in the building feel

That what's being written
about you detectives

Is a bunch of baloney.

Thank you, levitt.

Tell the men we appreciate it.

Betting shows
you a -to- favorite

For acquittal, sir.

Hang in there.

To .

How'd it go?

They couldn't break me.

Come on.

Barn, I mean, it was
a little unsettling,

But all you got
to do is stay calm.

Oh, god.

Wojo, I'm telling you.
You do not have to...

Oh, I'm gonna be
all right, barn.

Don't worry.

Have a seat, please, sergeant.

Go on, sit down. It's all right.

What am I supposed to do?

Well, first, we're going to
determine your stress pattern.

I'm going to ask you a series

Of seemingly
innocuous questions,

And I want you to
answer truthfully.

So just try and relax,
all right, sergeant?

Okay.

All right. Is your
name "wadjawitz"?

No.

- Sergeant...
- What's all that noise about?

Try and relax.

You appear to
be very, very, uh...

I'm high strung.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, i, uh...

My mother always
says I'm high strung.

Oh. Do you like your mother?

What kind of garbage
is that supposed to be?

Sergeant, this is
only for testing.

Yeah, well, just leave
my mother out of it!

I was only trying...

Take it easy. Take it easy.

Go on, sit down.

Yeah, right. Got it.

You're in luck, mr. Ramsen.

I am?

Uh, barney?

A patrol car recovered
mr. Ramsen's vehicle

With the furs and
the suspect in it.

- I'll go pick him up.
- Good.

I don't believe that.

There's a lot of
that going around.

I mean, isn't it rare somebody
gets caught that fast?

Extremely rare, mr. Ramsen.
You're a very lucky man.

Yeah.

I'm almost blessed.

That damn machine
is calling me a liar.

First it said I didn't
like my mother.

What?

Yeah, and then it starts
beeping its buns off

Every time I say I'm
not taking bribes.

I believe there are
definite patterns...

I got a definite pattern
for you and your machine.

Anyway, I'm talking to
my captain in his office.

Come on.

Gotcha.

Legally, this does
not mean a thing.

It doesn't?

No.

However...

Any results of any tests

Can be entered into any report,

Simply because you
volunteered to take the test.

But I didn't volunteer
for anything.

I told you you
didn't have to take it.

But if I didn't take
it, I'd look guilty.

That's called volunteering.

Barn, if that goes on my record

That I wasn't telling the truth,

You know, that I'm a liar,
that I can't be trusted,

I've had it as a
law-enforcement officer.

That's true.

It is?

I mean, I wasn't expecting
you to agree with me here.

You and me got
unfinished business.

Seeking the truth?

Right on.

Scanlon. It's all yours.

Soup's on.

Dietrich.

Yo.

You're up.

But only if you consent.

I insist.

This one you got to watch.

All right, come on. Get inside.

Hey, man, these are
legs, not wheels.

That's him. That's the one
who made the obscene gesture.

I'd do it again if I could
get these cuffs off.

Hey, look, pellegrini. Cool it.

Hey, I'm hostile to society.
What do you expect?

What have we got here?

Mario pellegrini.

He's a self-proclaimed
antisocial.

This is captain miller.

Oh, another
authoritarian figure.

Pleased to meet you, big sh*t.

Oh, hey, he's tough.

He doesn't intimidate...
Rough customer.

And don't forget stupid.

He ran a red light

And got caught with
the car and the furs.

Hey, I got convictions on
my record like burglary,

Dealing dr*gs, as*ault
with a deadly w*apon.

You expect me to obey
the rules of the road?

Put this thing
somewhere, will you?

Hey, dillinger, in the chair.

Come on.

Where do you want these?

Anybody?

Take them downstairs.

Put them in the trunk of my car.

Levitt, levitt. Put
them on yemana's desk.

Yes, sir.

I'm sorry, mr. Ramsen,

But these have to
be held in evidence.

Yeah, yeah, captain.
I'm a small business man.

This is practically
my whole inventory.

I can't afford to
lose the impulse sales.

Impulse sales?

Birthdays, anniversaries,

An executive gets a
secretary in trouble...

It makes an excellent
shower gift.

Official procedure, sir.

Levitt, first thing
we have to do

Is check it against
the invoices.

Captain, that's not necessary.

I...

Official procedures.

Exactly.

Have a seat, mr. Ramsen.

These things are heavy.

Very heavy.

Must be rough
on the little minks,

All this stuff on ther backs.

I bet they're glad when
they get it shaved off.

I want to tell him.

Your real name is?

Arthur p. Dietrich.

And the "p" stands for?

I was never told.

Where were you born, sergeant?

It's hard to remember.

It was long, long ago...

In a galaxy far, far away.

Hey, I'm only kidding.

I know you are.

Yeah, that's the problem.

Let's get down to the filth.

Now, let's forget
about the middle names

And the galaxies.

There were supposed to
be some changes in the pulse.

Well, fix the damn thing!

Tell me something.

Was there anything
on your mind today

That was particularly
upsetting you,

I mean, that might have
caused this kind of...

Results?

No.

Nothing more than usual.

Such as?

Well...

Such as stuff I
normally think about.

You know, what am I
gonna have for lunch,

How's my mother getting along,

Whether or not we're
gonna have a nuclear w*r.

- Levitt: sir?
- Yeah.

It all checks out... ,
Bucks' worth of hair.

It's hard to imagine.

What the hell are
you talking about?

Look, I may be a no-class
punk, but I got a sense of value.

That stuff is junk.

Say, mr. Ramsen,

Mr. Pellegrini
seems to be an expert

In these kind of things.

Thank you.

The stuff is almost worthless...

Mismatched skins, used material.

Some of the stuff
isn't even mink.

You're a liar!

Mr. Ramsen?

Captain, he doesn't know
what he's talking about.

There's no labels
in these things, sir.

The labels go on last. I
didn't even have time yet.

Mr. Ramsen, did you call
your insurance company yet?

Before I came in
here? Of course I did.

Do you think it's possible...
Now, I'm just speculating...

But do you think it's possible

That you might have
accidentally picked up

The wrong invoices?

What?

What are you talking
about, "wrong invoices"?

I feel...

I feel foolish.

I thought you would.

Oh, captain?

In a minute, scanlon.

Look.

Mr. Ramsen, for
some strange reason...

The word "fraud" seems
to pop into my head.

White-collar
crime makes me sick.

Down, dillinger.

Captain...

I made a mistake.

I made a simple, honest mistake.

You're in luck, mr. Ramsen.

I mean, not that
you're required to,

But we happen to have in
my office a little machine

That measures...

Captain, I'm gonna
go down to my shop.

I'm gonna get you the
right invoice right now.

You do that, mr. Ramsen.

And in the meantime, we'll
call your insurance company

Just in case you
happen to forget.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Uh, gentlemen...

Did I mention my policemen
and firemen's discount plan?

Oh, yes, I did.

I did. Goodbye.

Oh, captain... It is time.

All right.

Put this stuff in
the property room.

Yes, sir. And, sir... Good luck.

Psst!

I got on the nose.

Here, take this.

Come on.

Let's get started.

Sorry to disappoint
you, scanlon.

I beg your pardon?

I am not volunteering
to take this test.

You must be joking.

You seem to be missing
the point, scanlon.

I never joke with you.

I take you very, very seriously.

Hey, wait a minute.

You don't want
to take this test,

It's all right with me.

It will be duly
noted, of course,

Along with any kind of
reason by way of explanation

That you may want to
enter into the record.

My reason?

Yeah.

Failure of sergeant
wojciehowicz.

You see, I know he's
telling the truth.

Ergo, the machine is inaccurate.

That's not true!

Sorry, mr. Sanders.

I know you put a lot
of time and effort...

Time and effort? What about...

What about body and soul,

Uh, knowledge, sweat?

What about love?

Don't you go weird
on me, sanders.

It doesn't work.

It works!

Of course it works,
and it works damn good.

Scanlon, you're not here

Because of any concrete
evidence you may have

Against me or my men.

You're here on a witch hunt.

Wait a minute.

You're accusing me of a
personal vendetta or something?

You may not be fast,
scanlon, but you're accurate.

The only reason that I am here

Is because of specific
charges against this squad.

I mean, I am not here

Out of any personal
distaste I may have

For you or your men.

You shut the hell up!

I apologize, inspector.

There does seem
to be an argument

For the accuracy
of this machine.

Of course there is.

Now, wait a minute.

Now...

What in the hell are
you trying to pull, miller?

Nothing.

It's just that along with
sergeant wojciehowicz's results,

That last assessment
by this machine

Will also go into the record.

Picks up on malice of
forethought. Very discerning.

Oh, absolutely.

Now, just wait a minute.

One thing goes into the record,

Everything goes into the record.

All right.

It's all right with me.

Harris, you called?

Oh, right.

Pictures and prints
for mr. Pellegrini.

My pleasure. This
way, pellegrini.

Hey, uh, don't you
want to handcuff me?

I mean, what if I try to
escape or something?

Levitt will just sh**t
you down like the others.

Right.

Are you kidding me?

Hey, talk about bitter...

You are an amateur
compared to that man.

Thanks, harris.

You're welcome.

Let's go.

Gentlemen, lieutenant
scanlon has a few words

He would like to say to us.

Lieutenant scanlon,
the floor is yours.

Oh, yeah?

Well... It appears...

Would you speak up
a little bit, please?

It appears that
we have a problem

With the machine.

It isn't... Worth doodley-squat.

Functioning
properly at this time.

Well, now, lieutenant...

Isn't that right, mr. Sanders?

I think it's possible...

That it's not functioning
properly at this time.

And?

And that's all there is to that.

Uh, excuse me, gentlemen.

Lunch on me tomorrow.

Move it, move it.

Yeah, yeah.

Gentlemen.

Come on.

Lieutenant scanlon,
always a pleasure.

T.k.o., Miller. It's
not a knockout.

I'll see you around.

Oh, yeah.

I'll see you around.

Sanders.

Sergeant dietrich...

There's something I
just don't understand.

When you were in there

And you said you were
born on another galaxy,

The machine said you
were telling the truth.

Well, if your theory is correct,

Perhaps it proves that the
micro-tremors in the voice

Can be consciously
controlled by some people.

Or... You were
telling the truth.

No, that's ridiculous.

I was born october , ,

Saint mary's hospital,
allentown, pennsylvania.

It needed to be said.