05x15 - The Spy

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, barn.
- Here you go.

Who do we got there?

That's felice douglas...
Indecent exposure.

Victim of.

Oh, I see.

So did she.

Ms. Douglas, I'm captain miller.

I'm sorry to hear
about the incident.

He stopped and asked me

How to get to the
museum of natural history.

I was in the middle of
telling him when he...

I understand.

I don't think he really
wanted to know.

I doubt it.

Harris: miss douglas,

Here are some pictures
we'd like you to take a look at.

You let me know if
anyone catches your fancy.

It's just faces.

That's all we're allowed.

Calm down, all right?

I'm very, very sorry
that I lost my temper.

But she just started
laughing at me

As if I were some
kind of an idiot.

What do you got, woj?

This is mitchell warner...

Picked him up in unemployment.

He, uh, created
quite a disturbance.

Not creating a disturbance.

I was asking for a job,
and all they did was laugh.

Just take it easy.

Is being unemployed
some kind of bizarre joke?

Just have a seat,
mr. Warner, please.

Maybe they weren't even
laughing at you, mr. Warner.

Maybe they were laughing at...

Maybe, uh

You should ask him what he does.

What is it you do, mr. Warner?

Go ahead and tell him.

- Okay, wojo.
- You see?

Mr. Warner, please.
What do you do?

I was formerly with the cia.

He's an
unemployed spy.

Okay, wojo. Okay.

I'm glad you're so amused.

You want to have a seat?

Years with the company,

And then one day,
it's "so long, boris."

Sorry to hear that.

Years of blind loyalty,

Pulling their dirty tricks,

Bribing foreign officials,
toppling regimes...

Not so much as a word of thanks.

It's very ungrateful
of them, mr. Warner,

But what we're dealing with here

Is something as
mundane as, uh...

Disorderly conduct.

Yeah, so, you want
to have a seat?

They wouldn't even give
me a letter of reference.

Here you go, captain.

Oh. Thank you.

The cia did terminate
over agents

In its clandestine division,

In march ' after an order
from the office of the budget.

Uh, dietrich, anybody
ever refer to you

As a walking encyclopedia?

I've heard that.

You seem to know
everything about everything.

Thank you.

Except how to make coffee.

Keeps me humble.

Are you really a spy?

Anything you want
to make out of it?

I suppose it must be very
exciting, very glamorous.

Hmm?

Sure, sure.

I mean, you must
get to travel a lot.

Yeah.

Bug-infested hotels...

Lousy food, cheap rental cars...

You've been seeing
too many movies, lady.

I was just trying to
make conversation.

Thanks.

I need some information.

You know, they all think
we're a bunch of james bonds,

Driving around in aston martins,

Up to here in beautiful women.

Let he have your place of birth.

You want to see a photo of inez?

South american
revolutionary I had to live with

For two years.

Let me have your place of birth.

She spent a lot
of time in the hills,

And it showed.

Hey, uh... Cleveland.

Come on, come
on. Get inside here.

Binder: I told him to get
away from my store.

The sidewalk
belongs to everyone.

The best things
in life are free.

Well, well, well.

Yeah, you remember bruno binder,

The local merchant and
community reactionary?

Welcome back,
mr. Binder. Welcome back.

Who's that?

Just some clown we picked up.

I've always wanted
to say that, barn.

- I'm not a clown. I'm a mime.
- Yes.

Leslie phillips.

Mr. Phillips, I'm captain...

Apparently, mr. Phillips set up

In front of mr. Binder's store

And had begun
performing his show.

The wall.

I beg your pardon?

Very nice.

He was scaring customers away.

They were entranced.

Well, no law says I got to let

Some freak do weird
things in front of my store.

Mime is the oldest and
the purest of all art forms.

Yeah, I got your art right here.

Okay, let's everybody relax.

Just take it easy, huh?

Uh, dietrich, you want to
take mr. Binder's statement?

All right, mr. Binder.

Got rid of me because I
was making too many waves.

I'd heard too much.
I'd seen too much.

Okay, I got to put
you in the cage.

I can tell you things
about the fall of saigon

That'll make your skin crawl.

What happened?

What?

About the fall of
saigon... What happened?

It fell.

Okay?

Okay.

All that dumb stuff they do.

They don't even say nothing.

Mime is an acquired taste.

Hey, I like good
comedy, you know?

Remember the three stooges?

Yeah, slapstick.

That's great stuff.

Counterphobic responses
to v*olence in humor.

Oh, yeah?

Pain is funny.

Really?

You want to feel a joke?

No, no, no. No, thanks.

No eating in the squad room.

Pick that up.

If you're finished,

I'm gonna take binder
and phillips downstairs

For pictures and prints.

I appreciate that, arthur.

Mr. Phillips, we're
gonna go downstairs.

Captain, any of my phone
calls been returned yet?

Sorry, mr. Warner.

Hey, barn?

You think he really
worked for the cia?

That's what he says.

Must be bitter, resentful, huh?

Probably.

Barn, the man's got
exposé written all over him.

Somehow I had the feeling

There was a literary
phoenix arising from the ashes.

A couple of other
ex-agents wrote them,

Sold , ,
, copies, barn.

I mean, could be book
of the month, easy.

If you'll excuse me,
I'll be in my office.

Yeah, I'll keep you up to date.

How are we doing, ms. Douglas?

There are so many of these men.

It's hard to understand.

There's a lot of pent-up
frustration in there.

If only it could be
harnessed for peaceful use.

Maybe someday.

Hey, how is everything in there?

Oh, who are you?

I'm detective ron harris.

Oh.

Feeling a little
disaffected, huh?

I don't feel like
talking right now.

Hey, you know, when
I'm down in the dumps,

You know what always
makes me feel better?

What?

Writing a book.

You mean like agey or snip did?

You know, we got a
word for guys like you

Who help leak agency secrets.

Co-author?

I got a transfer slip
for a warner, mitchell.

Where are you taking him?

No bail's been arranged.
Got to take him to the tombs.

This very minute?

Sorry. All right.

- Let's go.
- Where are we going?

The tombs, the tombs.

Is this normal procedure?

Sometimes. Come on, let's go.

Who told you to take me there?

Where'd he get his orders from?

Uh, mr. Warner, come
on. We'll talk later.

Come on.

Follow me.

- Nice to have met you.
- What?

I said "nice to have met you."

Sure.

I'll be back in a couple hours.

- Yeah, sure - move
out, move out. Come on.

Aah! What are you doing?

Warner: get back in
there. Get back in there.

Back, back. Come on.

Now, everybody stays
exactly where they are.

Back a little sooner
than I expected.

All right, I want everybody
to move over there.

Barney.

Come on, ma'am.

Get.

You know, you were
all very convincing,

But you're not
playing with a kid.

Yeah, woj? Oh, my god.

There's been a new development.

I see.

Warner: get over
there with the others.

Heading over there.
Where'd he get the w*apon?

Levitt.

We were going up the
corridor. It was a little dark...

Shut up.

- But he's mad at me.
- Shut up!

Now I would very
much appreciate it...

If everybody would put
their weapons in there.

Look, mr. Warner...
Now.

Right now. Man said put your
weapons here, gentlemen.

In they go. There you go.

You got mine.

Here you go, mr. Warner.

I don't know what that's
going to accomplish.

All right. Cut out the act.

The act?

I've been with the
company since .

I've been on a lot
of operations,

But never one like this.

Wow.

Beautifully staged...
Look at that...

Beautifully rehearsed.

I bought it. I bought it.

Mr. Warner...

Tiny little precinct,
broken-down furniture...

Incredibly authentic.

A woman comes in
complaining about a flasher.

You got flashers.

A couple of screwball citizens

Acting out an as*ault complaint.

Wow.

Don't you think I recognize
a company operation

When I see one?

Mr. Warner, this
is the th precinct,

New york city police department,

And we are police officers.

What you see is what you got.

How come that your man
is so anxious to find out

Whether I might be blowing
some company secrets?

Sergeant harris is a
writer. His interest is...

Avarice. Pure avarice.

A writer?

Written anything I might know?

Uh, nothing in book form.

But I got some...
Get out of there.

Uh, I was just gonna show
you some rejection slips.

He's telling the truth.
He can't sell nothing.

What is it you want, mr. Warner?

I want you to call them off.

Call who off?

Call off the company.

Company?

Call them.

All right.

Wojo, try calling the cia.

Ah.

This phone over here. Come on.

Take it easy.

Turn around.

That's right.

Sit down.

Now dial.

What's the number?

Try washington information.

Ritz brothers didn't
need cold cream

On their kissers to be funny.

Everybody stay
right where you are.

What the hell's going on here?

Gentlemen,
mr. Warner's in charge.

Just do everything he says.

Put your g*n in the trash.

Sure.

It's an old g*n.

Now, you three, into the cage.

Hey, you got no
right to do this.

I'm a veteran.

Inside.

Hey, who sold him a g*n, huh?

Will you get in
the cage, binder?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hello.

Uh... Spy department, please.

Uh, this is the new
york police department.

Sergeant wojciehowicz.

Look, may i?

Please, go ahead.

Hello, uh... Hello?

Hello? Hello.

Yes, this is captain miller

Of the new york city
police department.

To whom am I speaking, please?

Well, I guess I
don't have to know.

But it's imperative

That I speak to someone in
the clandestine department.

A very, very angry
man with a g*n...

Does that qualify
as life or death?

Thank you. I'll hold on.

What a company, huh?

If law-abiding citizens
were allowed to arm,

This wouldn't have happened.

You know,

Hey, I do a real neat piece
called "man with a r*fle."

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

You see, it's so authentic,

People think I've
got a real g*n.

You do "man lying
dead on the floor"?

No.

Then don't do
"man with a r*fle."

The company must be
spending a bundle on this.

Ha , , , .

This jacket's alone.

You, you, you, you're marvelous,

It's very, very convincing.

I really did see what I saw.

You know, they always
throw in a broad.

If nothing else works,

Use sex as a last resort.

I've always felt that way.

I guess after inez they
didn't think I'd be too choosy.

Just because you have a g*n

Doesn't give you
the right to ridicule.

Very good.

Very good. She's marvelous.

Miller: I know. There are rules.

I was told that four people ago.

Look, I have got
to get through...

.

Hello?

This is the
clandestine division?

Um, we got a problem.

Tell him the lid's off.
Warner knows everything.

The lid's off. Warner
knows everything.

They don't take
their spooks away,

I'm gonna take myself
to the new york times

And spill my guts.

He wants you to halt the
operation or he goes to...

You don't jerk around
with mitchell warner!

You don't... Come
here, give me that.

Hello? What?

They hung up on me
shortly after I said hello.

Hey, you want honesty?
You got honesty.

You gave them a code
word to initiate plan two.

Come on. There is no plan two.

There isn't even a plan one.

They hung up because they
thought I was some crank,

And given the
circumstances, I was.

Is that so?

Can I take my wallet out?

Yeah, yeah. Take
your wallet out.

My shield. My i.d.

Shield, i.d... Child's play.

Uh, credit cards...
Uh, driver's license.

What is that? Who is that?

That's my wife.

It's your wife?

Of course, of course.

What would a new
york police captain be

Without a devoted
wife by his side.

Come on, warner.

This your address,
telephone number...

Christopher
street, - ?

I'm gonna make a
little phone call.

Wait.

Ah, what do you mean, "wait"?

Something you forgot
to cover up here?

I'm gonna find out if
there is such a thing

As a mrs. Miller.

She's pretty much a homebody.

Oh, let's hope so.

Hello?

Hello, is this the
miller residence?

Oh, it is.

Very impressive.

Uh, is captain
miller there, please?

No, this is an old friend.

Oh, the th precinct?

Can you tell me when
he's expected home?

He's not. Ah.

Uh, hotel greenwich.

Oh, I'll try him there.
Thank you very much.

We're separated.

Separated?

As in not living together.

Oh, gee, I'm sorry.

It's temporary, you know.

Living apart for a while
until we can work some...

Look, I'd really
rather not discuss this.

You know, my
wife left me in .

I'm sorry.

It was mostly my fault.

I was hell to live with
after the bay of pigs.

She just got tired
of the whole thing...

Lousy hours, slinking
around all the time,

Dangerous assignments.

From her point
of view, you know...

It's no good for a
marriage, that stuff.

Mr. Warner, what do you
say you give me the g*n?

There's good times,
and there's bad times.

Who gives guarantees?

Mr. Warner?

Mr. Warner?

What?

The g*n.

Wait. Hold it right there.

Oh, come on. Give it up.

I mean, for god's
sakes, look around you.

Look at the desk.

Reports signed by my
men, personal mementos.

Even the cia at
its most cunning...

Could they come up
with a group like that?

Oh, my god.

You have the right to
remain silent. You have...

Not now, levitt.

See?

Call bellevue. Tell them
we got a customer coming.

Yes, sir.

Well, that was a
refreshing change of pace.

Let dietrich out.

This very minute?

Just a thought.

Here you go, woj.

Uh, ms. Douglas,

You can leave whenever you want.

I'm not finished.

I like to finish what I start.

Come on, arthur. I'm
gonna give you a break.

I really appreciate
that, ronald.

Hey. Hey, wait a
minute. How about us?

Gentlemen, I'm afraid
there are still a couple

Of as*ault complaints
outstanding,

Unless you two have reconciled.

Well, look, if he promises

To stop weirding off
in front of my store,

It's gonna be all right.

Weirding off? I'm an artist.

Artists don't weird off.

Who needs it?

Now, mr. Binder,

Whatever you may
think of mr. Phillips,

He does have the
ability to draw a crowd.

It appears to me, you could
turn that to your advantage.

Can I sue him?

I don't
have any money.

But listen, I really could
help you with the advertising

At your store.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Really, I could mime
different sporting goods

When you have them on sale.

Yeah, like, uh, baseball...

Or basketball...

Tennis.

Let me see mace.

Dietrich, I have a feeling

Mr. Binder and mr. Phillips
will be leaving us.

You want to get their valuables?

I saw it coming.

No offense about what
I said before, you know,

About... You not being
able to sell anything.

Hey, forget it.

Hey, we all say ludicrous
things under pressure.

Sir, they're ready
for him at bellevue.

Why don't you run him over?

I'll go with him, barn.

No, it's all right.

You have work to do
here. Levitt can handle it.

Thank you, sir.

Okay, warner, let's go.

Oh, wait. Just a minute.

Miss douglas.

I'd like to apologize

For my earlier remarks.

That's all right.

Actually, I was flattered

That anyone would
think I was someone

Other than myself.

You know,

I... I really enjoyed
talking with you.

I did, too.

Come on, warner.
You're going for a ride.

You sure?

He's a good cop, wojo.

I'm okay. You're okay.

Nice meeting everybody.

Isn't bellevue on th street?

And first avenue.