06x02 - The Photographer

[bunniefuu]

Morning.

Morning.

One day I'm in plain clothes.

The next day, back in uniform.

You know, it can get confusing.

I wouldn't know.

Sometimes I think the
captain gets a kick out of it,

Moving me around, making
sure I don't get too secure.

Morning.

Morning, sir.

Oh, are you with
us this week, levitt?

I believe so.

All right.

You see?

Dietrich and harris still
out on that robbery call?

I, uh, guess so.

I was hoping everyone
would be here

So I would only have to
explain this chart one time.

Oh, starting a detectives'
bowling league, sir?

It's a vacation
schedule, levitt.

Uh, you remember last
year we kind of let it slide

With all the attendant problems?

I would just as soon we all
selected our two weeks right now.

Right this second?

No, not right this second.

You can't just grab
a date out of the air.

I realize that...

You got to figure out
where you're gonna go...

And then, uh, who
you're gonna go with

And whether she can get off.

It must be quite a problem.

I'm used to it.

I know what he means.

And I'm telling you, it's
a total waste of gas.

Don't tell jimmy.

What happened?

Barney, look... I'm not
going back out there again

Unless I can get me
some guarantees.

- What happened?
- Nothing.

Another false alarm. We got
to the liquor store, no robbery.

Clerk couldn't tell us nothing.

Ah, that must be what?

Fifth call, last
two days, same area.

Barn, you go out on a
call, you know, the, uh...

Adrenaline starts pumping,
the excitement's building,

And then suddenly,
it's all over.

Sort of police-us interruptus.

It's latin humor.

There hasn't been a great demand

The last couple of centuries.

I wouldn't be too
casual about this.

We still don't know
what kind of individual

We're dealing with here.

I do.

Uh, excuse me. I heard
all this in the car.

Could be a schizophrenic
acting out involuntary impulses.

An individual rebelling
against societal authority.

Yeah, or it could be
some cheeseburger

Waiting to drill a
few rounds into a cop.

I was hoping to
ease over that one.

Those two uniforms that
got sh*t at last week, right?

I mean, this could
be the same guy.

There are also those
g*ng incidents uptown.

Well, we certainly can't rule
out the possibility of ambush,

So let's act accordingly, huh?

What's that address again?

?

.

Yes, I've got it.

Captain?

A disturbance at the
clayton medical building.

Sound legitimate?

She sounded genuinely terrified.

Good.

Wojo. You and levitt.

Let's go.

I think the captain's
got another side to him

We don't see.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, a side that's not
so nice and compassionate.

You just noticed that?

Everybody has a less-attractive
side to his personality.

A darker, malevolent presence
that surfaces from time to time.

Captain's no different.

Sort of like a
dr. Jekyll and mr. Hyde?

Exactly.

Keep your distance
after he has his coffee.

Heard anything on
the false-alarm case?

I'm checking out some
of the g*ng members now.

Oh. Any possibilities?

Nah.

Most of them are either
in jail or doing films.

Oh, uh, by the way, you, uh,

You did notice the
vacation chart up?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I'm in the process of
finalizing my reservations now.

Good.

Two beautiful weeks
whooshing down the slopes

Of one of the most
exclusive ski resorts

In the western hemisphere.

Oh? Where you going?

Jackson.

Mississippi?

Wyoming, barney.

Oh! Oh, okay.

It's up in the grand
tetons, up in the mountains.

Yeah, I got it.

Mississippi.

I apologize.

Oh, hey, you
know, you don't ski.

No reason why
you should know it.

What makes you
think I don't ski?

Well, i...

Just assumed it.

All right, all right.
Inside, compadre.

This is the last thing I
will ever ask you for.

Drop it, leo.

Sure, that's okay for you!

Hey! Hey! Pipe down, will you?

Okay, okay. What do we got?

- Frank and leo rossman.
- Brothers?

It wasn't my idea.

They were engaging
in mutual as*ault

In a doctor's waiting room.

Uh, when we got there,
barn, mr. Rossman, here,

Had mr. Rossman,
here, in a hammerlock.

He won't take no for an answer.

Why should i? He's got two!

Why can't I have one?

One what?

Kidney.

Mr. Rossman, leo
has a kidney disease,

And he needs a transplant.

And frank is the perfect donor.

His brother won't give him one.

I see.

"I see."

- I caught the tone of that.
- What?

The chagrin. The moral disgust.

You have already condemned me!

Mr. Rossman, this is
purely and simply a case of...

Disorderly conduct

And destruction of
private property, sir.

Thank you, levitt.

Sure.

Whether or not your
brother gets your kidney

Does not concern me.

Not at all?

Uh, wojo, would you just
take mr. Rossman's statement?

Yeah, sure, barn.

Here, sit over here.

Don't judge my
brother too harshly.

He's been under a
considerably strain.

Stop playing the martyr!

I forgive you, frank.

Levitt, uh, you take this
mr. Rossman's statement.

Yes, sir. Step over to the desk.

Empty your pockets of all items.

You've got one telephone
call. I'd make it a lawyer.

Hmm?

Sit down.

You know, it's, uh... It...

It's not easy finding
a good match.

I mean, i-i'm glad my
blood type is "a" positive.

A lot of people
have that, you know.

Yeah.

Oh, you, too?

Um... Yeah.

Uh... Business address?

Unemployed.

But the hard part is, uh,

Matching the tissue
types so that the, uh,

Kidney is compatible
and it won't be, uh,

Rejected by the body's defenses.

You know, my
brother... They, uh...

They gave him the test,
and he was perfect.

Then all of a sudden, he just
changed his mind and said no.

Uh, he's got a right, I guess.

Oh, yeah.

You got a brother?

Yeah.

Would you do it for him?

Uh, why don't we
just go on with this?

I mean, if he needed something

To give him his life back

And you could give
it, wouldn't you do it?

Yeah, I suppose I would.

Well, i-i guess you're
familiar with the saying...

We're all brothers
under the skin.

Hey, man, what is this?

"December nd
through th, a. Dietrich."

That's me.

Hey, man, this is the two
weeks when I'm going skiing.

- Oh, gee, I'm sorry.
- Hey, that's okay, arthur.

I'm just glad we
caught it in time.

I'm afraid I can't change it.

Why not?

My plans are already set.

Why do you have to
have these two weeks?

The th to the th is the annual
wolfgang goethe festival.

Time again for that already?

Each year, goethe aficionados
from all over the world

Come to pennsylvania dutch
country for days of lectures,

Discussions, and
workshops on his writings,

Concluding with a
performance of goethe's "faust"

In the original german.

That's it?

And all the
pretzels you can eat.

Look, dietrich. Man, i...

I was very, very lucky to
get this reservation, man,

And i... I mean, you know,

I just hate to kind
of miss out on it

Just because of
some silly little mix-up.

Sure, I can understand that.

I mean, I've been looking
forward to going to this place

For a long time, you know?

I mean, it's an opportunity

To get away from the
suffocation of the city,

Breathe some clean air,

Get a fresh
perspective on things.

I can dig it.

Arthur, I want this time.

I mean, I need this
vacation very much, man.

I mean, i-i... I'd sell
my soul for it.

I thought you looked familiar.

Is that a no?

Yeah.

Look, man, I told you.

The reservations
are hard to come by.

- Jackson, wyoming.
- I cannot go any other time!

Gentlemen, gentlemen!

Is there a problem?

I don't have one.

He stole my time. What?

The possessive
pronoun is debatable.

Barn, he's blowing my whole
vacation. It's unavoidable.

I take it there's a, uh,
scheduling difficulty?

Barn, I told you about
my beautiful skiing trip.

Ask him where he's going.

Harris, that's really
none of my business.

Please, just ask him.

Where are you going?

Over there. I'll be right back.

Barn, he is going to a goethe
festival in pennsylvania.

Yeah?

Philosophy and pretzels, huh?

You been to it?

Captain, got a call in
on a grocery holdup.

Dispatch checked
it out. It's a fake.

Same block as the
ambush last week.

Let's not take any chances. I
want you to break out weapons.

I want a full flight of uniforms
in case you need a backup.

Barn, I have been
scrimping and scraping

For this vacation all year.

Harris, we'll take care of it!

I'm gonna end up
in the catskills!

Isn't it wonderful
how petty differences

And personal problems
are set aside and forgotten

In the face of true crisis?

I suppose.

Look, man, I don't want
you to think this, uh...

Vacation thing is settled.

Now, listen, the two
of you. No heroics.

I don't want either of you to
take any unnecessary risks.

Right.

Uh, maybe you should go first.

Huh?

Uh, sir, I finished processing
rossman, franklin.

Here's a copy of the report
for perusal at your leisure.

Good work.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, levitt, have you, uh... You
selected your vacation time yet?

No, sir.

Actually, I hadn't
planned on taking one, sir.

I may work straight
through the next few years.

That's very commendable, levitt,

But I'm afraid the city
cannot afford that.

I wouldn't be averse
to donating my time, sir.

Levitt, you work very hard.

You deserve a chance to
relax and enjoy yourself.

Is that mandatory, sir?

It's not a question
of mandatory.

It's just common sense.

All work and no play.

Yes, sir?

Makes jack a dull boy.

If you say so, sir.

All right, levitt,
what's the problem?

The problem, sir?

Kramer, kogan,
lefkowiz, zatelli.

Those guys in uniform,

All they think about is
getting up here in my place.

Levitt, you're
exaggerating the situation.

Do you have any idea how much

They would like to be
wearing this suit, sir?

I wouldn't even hazard a guess.

I cannot risk a vacation, sir.

Look, levitt, you've, uh...

You've been around
here long enough

To have established
your credentials,

Your... Your value to the squad.

I'd like to think so, sir.

You're a good cop.

You should not worry about
someone usurping your position

Just because you're gone
for a couple of weeks.

- Thank you, sir.
- I mean it.

I guess I just needed
a little reassurance

From someone I respect.

You know, take a couple of
weeks, go away somewhere.

Have a good time.
Enjoy yourself.

You job will be here
when you get back.

May I take that as a
verbal contract, sir?

Your personal word.
I understand, sir.

I'll consult my calendar, sir.

You do that.

The body only needs
one kidney to function.

Did you know that?

No, i... No, I didn't. Could i?

Oh, yeah, sure. The other one's

So much excess baggage.

A person would almost
be lucky to get rid of one.

Inside.

Of course I was only
speaking hypothetically.

Well, speaking
hypothetically... Yeah?

What happens if, uh...

A person donates a kidney

And then something happens
to the one that's left?

You got a brother.

For god's sakes,
leave him alone.

All right, come
on. Right this way.

Personally, I think the
shotguns were a little too much,

But better too
much than too little.

Our sentiments exactly.

This is our false alarmist?

Blows every theory I had.

Abner gilman... Captain miller.

You should be very
proud of your officers.

I am.

This is the joker who was
playing dialing for detectives.

Mr. Gilman, you were responsible
for those phone calls?

It was well worth it.

It appears mr. Gilman
was in the market

For a safer neighborhood.

He was conducting his
own police-comparison test.

Shop around.

That's what bess myerson says.

Uh, barn, he was logging
our response times.

Minutes, seconds.

Almost a minute
off your old record.

Well, we had the wind with us.

Mr. Gilman, this was a
very stupid thing to do.

Stupid?

Captain, don't
think for a second

That this is some foolish
prank of an old man.

This is a carefully
conducted scientific study.

I not only collected
response times,

But I also observed
officers' performances,

Evaluating each one
on a scale from to

For various categories.

Here, take a look.

Here, right here.

Here. This is sergeant harris.

Look.

Barney: "attitude... .

"Behavior under stress... .

"Personal appearance... ?

Thoroughness and
professionalism... ."

"Personal appearance... "?

Ah, the man wears a fedora.

Mr. Gilman also made similar
calls to fire departments,

Paramedic units, a couple
of pizza joints on bleecker.

I hate it when the pizza
comes cold, don't you?

Mr. Gilman, your little
shopping expedition

Was not only annoying

And a tremendous
waste of manpower,

But could also have
endangered the lives of people

Who were in genuine
need of our assistance!

What a nice speech.

It's sort of his hobby.

All right, we're gonna need
further information, mr. Gilman.

Just have a seat
right over there.

Oh, my pleasure.

Yeah, right. Thanks a lot.

Barn, uh... They got the
bail tickets downstairs

For the rossmans, so, uh...

I just write up a
release and let them go?

Yeah.

See, there, uh...

The guy's been talking
at me a lot, you know?

And, uh... I mean, the
way he looks at me, i...

I-i feel like a
used-organ store.

Wojo...

Compassion for other people's
problems is all well and good,

But there are times you
have to think of yourself

And your own well-being,

And you've got to learn
how to say no to people.

You want to tell him that?

No.

See?

Thanks, barn.

Uh... You don't really
want me to book him, do you?

Want me to just give
him a citation, let him go?

No, we can't just
let mr. Gilman go.

That would deprive
him of the opportunity

Of investigating the
rest of our legal system.

You wouldn't want to stop
halfway, would you, mr. Gilman?

Well, actually...

There's a lot more to
check out around here.

There's, uh,
fingerprinting, mug sh*ts,

Bail, arraignment, trial, jail.

I understand, but you
see, as a matter of fact,

I think I got sufficient
data now, captain.

- You sure, mr. Gilman?
- Oh, yes.

I won't trouble you
gentlemen again.

Mr. Gilman, I think you should
know that a copy of this report

Is gonna be sent to
the fire department.

What action they
take, I can't say.

I feel lucky.

All right, turn him
loose. Give him a citation.

You had me going
there for a second.

I mean, sometimes I
get a little concerned.

You're always the one

Who has to be the
conciliatory influence,

The cool, rational presence
in a volatile situation.

That kind of day-in-day-out
pressure can build up

Until someone just snaps.

I'd better go
lock up the r*fles.

Good idea.

Sign those, levitt.

Hey, you guys, get
ready. You're leaving.

Well... I guess all's
well that ends well.

Yeah.

You know, actually, I'm kind
of glad all this happened.

It gave us, uh...

A chance to have a couple
of minutes together alone.

Right.

In case we don't
get another chance.

You are pathetic.

Okay, frank.

Okay, I'm through begging
and trying to shame you.

I, uh, I still have
a little pride left

And a little self-respect.

Good.

So I'm gonna ask you
this just one more time,

And then I'm never
gonna mention it again.

Are you gonna
give me the kidney?

No.

What do you mean, no?

I mean, if I had three kidneys,

Even if I had a hundred,

I would not give you one!

Oh, you just
hate me. Is that it?

You still don't see!

It's always been the same with
you, ever since we were kids!

Give me this! Give me that!

Toys, girls, money!

And mom always saying
"you got two, frank.

Give your brother one."

I was the baby.

You're now! Grow up!

Okay, let's quiet down.

I'm sorry.

That's all right. Just
go on out of here.

Your stuff's over there.

Make sure you got
everything, please.

You know, I never
knew he felt that way?

Neither did i.

You just gave me
all those things

Because you wanted
to get rid of me, right?

Leo, I gave you those things

Because you're my
brother and I love you!

Here.

You show them to
the desk sergeant,

Downstairs, on your way out.

Thanks.

Uh... Sergeant?

I want to apologize to you.

I...

I had no right inflicting
my problems on you.

You probably have a lot
of problems of your own.

All right, just forget it.

Leo... Let's go.

Yeah, sure.

Leo...

Maybe...

We can work it out.

Whatever you say, frank.

I need time to think.

It's a bit of a sacrifice.

You ever read "faust" by goethe?

Why?

Just seems apropos.

If you recall, faust made
a pact with the devil...

His soul in exchange for one
moment of perfect contentment.

So?

Well, it's just that faust
finally realized his moment

Through the selfless
act of helping others.

I was just brushing
up for my trip.

I'm checking out, barn.

Uh... Me, too, barn. I got
an early date tonight.

Uh, gentlemen, uh, no one's
leaving for the moment.

Now, this schedule
has been up on the board

For eight hours now,

And except for dietrich's
name, it is still blank.

I'm junior... I didn't
want to usurp

The higher-ranking
squad members, sir.

Wojo?

Uh... I-i didn't see
your name up there.

Dietrich's the only
thing stopping me.

You got snow six months
a year. My thing's once.

But I don't have reservations
six months a year.

Gentlemen, this is exactly
what happened last year

And exactly why I put
that thing up on the board.

Now, for my own piece of mind,

I would really like to know
that any scheduling difficulties

Can be resolved in a
friendly and rational manner.

Sure, barn.

Worst comes to worst,

We can always go
eenie, meenie, miney, mo.

Hey, let's do one
potato, two potato, huh?