06x03 - Vacation

[bunniefuu]

Mail call, gentlemen! Harris.

Thank you.

Dietrich.

Levitt.

Wojciehowicz.

Captain.

- Levitt.
- Sir?

Levitt, you are aware

That manpower
requirements fluctuate?

Pardon me, sir?

Oh, I take it you're referring
to my uniform status today.

It is my job to assign people

Where I feel the
need is greatest.

Of course.

It's just that I heard

That sergeant dietrich had
been assigned mugging detail.

And what with him in a dress,

I figured I should
be in plain clothes.

I'm afraid we're just gonna
have to do without him.

I understand.

Sir, it's just that,
when I'm up here,

It's almost like I'm a
different person...

Respected, making
a contribution.

Down there, it's hour after hour

Of mindless, boring drudgery.

It's something you're gonna
have to learn to deal with...

For the time being.

Sir, that's the
real carl levitt.

Would you see
that he gets his mail?

Morning.

Good morning, arthur.

What do you got in
the box there, huh?

Want to see my dress here?

Huh?

I pulled mugging duty.

I know.

So, what do you think?

Ohh.

I didn't know you were
into chiffon, arthur.

Oh, I am. It feels
good on my body.

Uh, I got some stuff
to do downstairs.

- You want to see my shoes?
- No, thanks.

Well, I value your opinion.

Look, I'm sure you're
gonna look very chic.

Hey, stop with the needling.

Can I help you, father?

I'm not a priest.

They told me downstairs...

What's the getup for?

I'm a brother...

Brother thomas kelvin,
order of st. Dismas.

Oh, um, well, what
can I do for you?

Well, it's about
a missing person.

His name is joseph hutton.

You see, I was bringing this...

Excuse me, I just got
to file a couple things,

And then I can get
right with you, all right?

All right.

You can have a seat
over there... Brother.

Oh. Thank you.

Oh, good morning, father.

I'm not a priest!

- I'm sorry.
- I'm not!

I'm a brother...

Brother thomas kelvin,
brothers of st. Dismas.

We have a small monastery
upstate in the adirondacks.

How do you do?
I'm captain miller.

Oh, how do you do?

Maybe you've had our wine.

Uh... Uh... What seems
to be the problem?

Well, it's one of
our novitiates.

He's disappeared.

You see, I was bringing a
group of these young men

Up to the monastery,

And we had to lay
over here for the night.

When I awoke this
morning... He was gone.

Perhaps he just went
out to see the sights.

No, I don't think so.

You see, he knew we
had a train to catch.

Wojo, you want to handle this?

I was.

Oh, continue.

I was just finishing
up some filing, barn.

Have a seat, brother.

Uh, listen, I didn't
mean to... Take over?

The man engaged
me in conversation...

But, barn, listen,

If you keep coming
out and jumping in there

And showing us how to do it,

We're never gonna get to
learn to be good cops ourselves.

I...

You got to back off,
barn. Give us a cr*ck at it.

Well, sure, i-i understand that.

Barn, we just want a chance

To take the load off
your shoulders, you know?

Let us handle the simple
little things that come in here,

And you can take care of the
complex stuff in your office.

I'll go back in my office.

This is a recent
picture of joseph.

Uh, but the thing I'm
trying to get to, brother,

Is that we can't do
anything, officially,

Until a person's been
missing for over hours.

Now, unless there's
evidence of foul play...

But I think there is. I
think he might be kidnapped.

- Kidnapped?
- Yes.

Excuse me.

Why kidnapped?

Why not?

Well, who would
want to kidnap him?

His parents, deprogrammers,
anti-cult fanatics.

But you're the catholic church.

Are we?

We're just the
nuts up on the hill.

Huh.

Well, why don't
you just take it easy

And catch your breath there.

Uh, barn?

Yeah?

Brother thomas here thinks
that this joseph was snatched up

By someone who wants to
keep him out of the monastery...

Like parents or deprogrammers.

Deprogrammers?

I did see some
suspicious-looking characters

In the lobby.

So I'm going to go down

And show this picture
around the neighborhood,

And maybe I can
turn something up.

Excellent idea.

Unless you have some
other suggestions.

No, no, no.

Excuse me, should I be looking
through your crime albums?

Mug books?

- Mug books, yes.
- That may not be necessary.

I'm afraid my verbal
skills are a bit rusty.

At the monastery,

We don't speak unless
it's absolutely necessary.

Same here.

Dietrich: captain?

I don't want to bother you
with every little problem,

But, uh, I need your
advice on something.

Certainly.

What do you think...
Burgundy or wheat?

Very amusing.

No, I'm serious.

Well, the wheat is nice.
I'd have to see the dress.

Well, I'll tell you,

Actually, I'm leaning
toward the burgundy.

Being a bright color,
psychologically,

It's more provocative, more
likely to trigger a reaction.

That's true.

It also brings out my
eyes, don't you think?

Oh, good morning, inspector.

Men.

- Ah, inspector. How goes it?
- Barney.

Well, I guess it was
for the best, huh?

What's that?

Oh, I guess you
didn't get the word.

Got a phone call last night

From the nursing
home up in vermont.

Brownie?

Ol' brownie passed away
at approximately : a.m.

Last sunday, the th.

- Sorry.
- Yeah. Right.

Our condolences.

I guess it was
for the best, huh?

You know, there he was, just
laying there all them years

Like a turnip or a... Cucumber?

Mm.

And he said something
just before he d*ed.

What was that?

Who the hell knows, barney?

You couldn't
understand a word he said.

Just a lousy shame, though,

That he had to go
like that, you know?

Laying there so nice, a
little smile on his face...

So peaceful.

I remember when
him and me... Brownie...

First went into uniform
together, you know?

Some of the gags... Some of
the stunts he used to pull on me.

That sweet old redhead.

And his...

I'm sorry.

Sorry, barn.

Guess you young fellows got
something more important to do

Than to listen to us old-timers

Rehash ancient history, right?

Eh? Sure.

So, come on, barn.
We'll talk in your office.

Remember forrester? Huh?

Boom! Blew him
up in his car... ' .

Kleiner, kleiner...

They gunned him
down, th street... ' .

Now old brownie.

Three down, one to go.

Inspector, that kind
of talk is just foolish.

Kid...

You're in my will, barney.

Inspector, I really
don't think that...

It ain't a fortune, I know.

But it's nothing to be
sneezed at neither, barney,

You know, because
you get my insurance,

You get my pension benefits...

Some studebaker stock.

Inspector...

I'd like you to have some of my
personal effects, too, barney.

My revolver... The old badge...

Nice elgin watch.

Ring from delahanty's.

Inspector,

Surely there must be some
more worthy beneficiary.

You mean like a charity?

What, so they can
spend it on some disease?

Well, how about the police
fund or some youth project?

Barney, wait a minute.

You're talking like you
don't want me to do this.

No, no, no, no. I'm
really flattered.

As you know, I have no
descendents, barney.

And it's no secret that I
always thought of you

As being more than
just a... An underling.

I thought you might like
to have a few mementos

Of the old inspector's.

Oh, well, certainly.
I-i-i really would.

No, no. Forget it, barney.

You don't want to be
saddled with all that junk.

No, no, no. I didn't say that...

I'll just dump it in
the garbage, barney.

There's no need to
humor me, barney.

Inspector, I really
please, forget it...

Inspector, I want them!

In time, barney.

In time.

You being helped, brother?

I'm not a...

Say, who told you
I was a brother?

Nobody.

Well... Oh, uh, I was
taught by brothers.

Oh, really?

Yeah, my high school
was run by jesuits.

Oh, yes. A fine
order, the jesuits.

A little flashy.

I mean, I'm sure you have some
fond memories of the jesuits.

No.

Any luck, sergeant?

No, I'm afraid not.

He may have left
the state already.

Brother thomas, why
don't you sit down here?

We're doing everything
that we can do, okay?

We've got an a.p.b. Out on him,

And we've got his picture spread
all around the neighborhood,

So, please, just relax.

All right.

It's me... Dietrich.

Oh, my. What a surprise.

Uh, excuse me.

You got to see this.

Captain, you approve?

You going out right now?

No, I have to check
my face. Pardon me.

What the hell was that?

Dietrich pulled mugging duty.

You gonna let him go
out like that, barney,

In broad daylight?

The muggers will laugh
him right out of the park.

Barney, he looks
worse than fish.

Let's not get brutal about this.

Th precinct. Levitt.

Right. Got it.

Captain, it's a call
from the durham hotel.

Someone spotted
your missing monk.

Um... I'll take levitt.

Yeah, fine.

See you later.

Dietrich, can I see you
in my office for a minute?

Well, they're expecting me.

This won't take long.

Sure. I'm just a girl
who can't say no.

Have a seat, dietrich.

I suppose you're wondering
why I called you in here.

Well, I hope it's business.

I'm having second thoughts
about sending you out like that.

I don't mind. I know mugging
detail's part of the job.

I'm looking at it from the
point of view of the mugger.

What do you mean?

I mean, let's face it.

You just don't
look like a woman.

No one's ever told
me that before.

I don't mean it as an insult.

It's just that,
candidly, you look, uh...

Ridiculous!

Well, maybe I'm
over-accessorized.

I don't think
that's the problem.

Look, let's face it,

This detail calls for
certain minimum requirements.

Not everyone is suited...

Hey, you don't owe
me an explanation.

If you feel that I look
ludicrous, you have to say it.

I'd rather you heard
it from me than from...

Someone who
might not be so kind.

Appreciate it.

Okay.

Okay, don't worry.
I'll go change.

Uh... Listen, I'm
sorry about this.

Oh, hey, nothing
to be sorry about.

You know, maybe if I
took off my glasses.

Well, I mean, it's somewhat...

Captain? That still you?

Do you know that sometimes
I actually get the urge

To chuck all this

And come join up with
some guys like you?

It's a very rewarding life.

You get up at dawn...

Have some time for
some quiet reflection...

Work all day in the sunshine...

A simple meal at sunset...

Maybe even have time to
copy a good book at night.

Well, it's certainly refreshing

To meet someone who has some
empathy for the brotherhood...

Someone who
understands the difference

Between the brotherhood
and the priesthood.

Absolutely. I
mean, I certainly do.

I mean, it's strictly a case
of two separate vocations.

Some are called one
direction, others another.

Why, sure. I mean, not
everybody can make it as a priest.

I knew you were
thinking that! I knew it!

No, no, I just meant that...

That's what all
you kids love to say.

Well, it doesn't bother me.

No reason why it should.

Sure, they get all
the glamour stuff...

Saying mass, hearing
confessions, running bingo.

But I want to tell
you something...

That's not the whole enchilada.

Okay, I've got some
important stuff I have to do.

This way, son.

Joseph!

Uh, are you all right?

So-so.

Listen, if I'd have known
the kid was a monk,

I wouldn't have gone near him!

Would you just calm down?

I break laws, not commandments.

Captain, this is joseph hutton.

This is captain miller.

Say hello.

Hi.

I'm glad to see we,
uh... Found you intact.

Picked him up at the hotel.

He was just going into the
room with miss strauss here.

You got something
against young love?

Sit down over there, will you?

Joseph, is this true?

Well, we were just
going up there to talk,

Maybe look at the
bible, that's all.

I'm cloistered...
I'm not stupid.

Sir, he used this credit
card to pay for the room

And the room service.

Uh, thank you, levitt.

I'll be downstairs, sir,

In case the manpower
requirements fluctuate again.

Thank you, levitt.

This seems to be yours, brother.

You stole this from me, joseph?

I didn't really
consider it stealing.

It's just that, last night,

When I saw it lying there among
the other religious articles,

I... I took it as sort
of a sign from god.

Don't push it, joseph.

This is evidence.

You see, very soon,

I'm gonna be renouncing
all worldly enticements.

I just wanted a little
extra to renounce.

You caused some people
unnecessary worry.

I didn't mean to. I just
lost track of time.

What were you doing all night?

Just walking, taking a
final look at the world.

I played one last
game of pinball.

I had one last hot dog.

I take it that's where
miss strauss comes in.

Okay, hutton, sit
over here, all right?

We got a lot of
information we have to get.

I want to call my lawyer.

Phone right over there.

I don't have one.

As you were probably informed,

If you do not have an attorney,

You will be provided with
one at no cost to yourself,

And the arresting
officer will be very happy

To assist you in that endeavor.

I will be in my office.

What'd he say?

Just relax, okay?

Okay.

I must tell you, joseph,
I'm greatly disappointed.

But nothing happened.
There wasn't time.

Well, then perhaps you've
learned your lesson.

There wasn't time.

Go ahead.

Go ahead, make some
jokes. I understand.

Hey, look, man, I mean,
there's nothing to joke about.

It's not that big a thing.

I guess not.

You said everybody else
was able to handle the duty.

I couldn't do it.

So what?

When I remember how
lovely you looked...

I can't help feeling inadequate.

Hey, look, man, don't start
comparing yourself with me.

It'll just make you crazy.

Yeah, okay. Thanks
a lot. Appreciate it.

- Uh, brother thomas?
- Yes.

I talked to the hotel
and explained it to them,

And they go no problems
to run a credit card if...

Well, I don't.

Okay, well, then, I guess
you can make your train.

I can?

Does that mean I can
get out of here already?

Yeah, you can get
out of here already.

I'm sorry for the inconvenience.

You should be very
thankful, joseph.

I'm blessed.

Listen, take care of yourself.

Look, I'm really
sorry about all this.

Forget it.

I mean, I put you to a lot
of trouble for nothing.

Hey, it probably would have
been for nothing anyway.

Really?

So, listen, if you ever come
back to the city, look me up.

I'm in the book...
The telephone book.

Oh, thanks.

So long. Be a good monk.

Joseph, we have
a train to catch.

Already?

Sergeant, I'd like to
thank you for everything.

Uh, sure.

Come on, joseph.

If we hurry, we can
just about make it.

Uh...

I forgot. I can't
let him go just yet.

Well, I thought you said
there wasn't any problem

With the credit card.

Uh, there's not,

But, uh, I have to check
him for prior arrests.

But he's never
been in any trouble...

Oh, it's regulations.
Right, captain?

Okay.

But I've got all the
other young men

Waiting back at the hotel.

I can take a later train.

Yeah, uh, right.

I'll check him out and
then see that he gets on it.

Well, I guess that's
the way it'll have to be.

Okay. Sit down.

Joseph, I'll look forward to
seeing you at the monastery.

Oh, sergeant harris,

I want to apologize for
being a little heated earlier.

See, i...

Hey, look, that's okay.
I mean, I understand.

You know, we all have our
little paranoid obsessions.

Right.

Well, goodbye.

Sergeant. Captain.

Brother.

So long, brother.

Well, I'm just gonna check
him for priors and let him go.

Fine.

You'd have done the same
thing yourself, right?

Probably not.

No?

Well, I guess he's
lucky he got me.

Move.

Look, I really appreciate this.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, uh, listen, dietrich, I
was checking the schedule.

I noticed there's another
mugging detail next week...

Oh, yeah?

At night.

Appreciate the gesture.

Well, I know how you feel.
I've pulled that detail myself.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah. I can tell you,
I was no grace kelly.

Can you picture
me in a chanel suit

And a matching pillbox hat?

Of course, I didn't have
the mustache at the time.

Oh, inspector, we were wondering
where you had disappeared to.

Hmm?

Ah, I've just been
moping around, barney,

Revisiting some of me and
brownie's old haunts, you know?

Lineup room, interrogation cell.

Brought back some fond memories.

Yeah.

Sure.

Uh...

Would you like to
continue our conversation?

Nah, it's okay, barney.

Look, barney, I've been
coming up here for years,

Chewing off your
ear in the office there,

Telling you the same
old stories time again.

You just sit there
and nod and smile,

Make believe like
you're listening to me.

No, that's not true.

Do you want to know
something, barney?

I don't give a damn.

So, what do you say? Come on.