06x07 - The Bird

[bunniefuu]

Dietrich, what you doing?

You mean this?

Yeah.

It's a form of acupressure.

Your fingernails are
very vital pressure points.

Rubbing them can
stimulate hair growth,

Cure insomnia,
improve sexual potency.

Arthur...

I know we've had our
share of theoretical

And philosophical
disagreements in the past,

But... You're nuts,
you know that?

That's certainly
another viewpoint.

Wojo's still out, huh?

Inside. There we go.

Too close to call.

What do you got?

This is, uh, gilbert lesco.

He robbed a liquor
store over on canal.

Hi, how are you?

Fine.

Got a real fried
banana here, barn.

dr*gs?

No, thanks.

I think he's kind of
permanently slow on the uptake.

This is what he
used for the stickup.

Early st century, I'd say.

The clerk says that
he's a regular customer,

And so everybody
just went along with it.

Me too.

He lives right next door.

I picked him up
at his hotel room.

It's very convenient.

For us, also.

Funny.

Want me to call bellevue?

Check him out for priors first.

Starting with this planet?

Yep.

Okay, gilbert.
Over here, sit down.

We're going to get
some more information,

And then you can
call your lawyer.

Yeah?

Yeah, you know a lawyer?

Perry mason.

Remember him? He was great.

Yeah. I think he retired.

Yeah... I guess
after the accident.

Oh, uh, it's sort
of an exercise.

Really?

Yeah, it's kind of
like acupuncture.

You know, it
stimulates your body.

I got it.

Captain, we got an
as*ault in progress.

Take harris. He could
use the fresh air.

Dietrich, tell
barney what this is.

What?

You know!

That's funny.

Arthur!

Yeah. Gilbert lesco.

I appreciate it.

I called a lawyer.

Very wise decision.

Maybe I should have
ordered sandwiches.

Get thee right this way, please.

What?

Inside.

Levitt?

Mr. Caleb webber,
weavertown, pennsylvania.

Mugging victim over
on houston street.

Excuse me.

Actually, sergeants harris
and dietrich brought him in.

They stopped at the
desk for something.

I'd have been coming up anyway.

I hope you didn't mind.

It's okay.

There's no need to put my
name on the final report.

May we?

Two punks pulled knives
on mr. Webber, barn,

In an alley just off houston.

Scalawags made
off with my purse, sir.

Scalawags.

He's amish, sir.

Thank you, levitt.

You know, captain, the
people with the folksy ways.

Then they made sport of my garb.

That was uncalled for.

Uh, mr. Webber,
I'm captain miller.

Are you in town
on business, sir?

Sizing up the import
of a hay crimper.

Oh, been meaning to
price one of them myself.

Uh, we're really
sorry about all of this,

But, uh, these things happen.

Here.

Right.

Goodly number of
millers in weavertown.

Might you be of
amish stock yourself?

Uh, not to my knowledge, no.

Just as well.

You ain't got the
hands for farming.

Doughy... Like a woman's.

Want to have a seat
over there, mr. Webber?

We need some
further information...

Description of the
assailants, that sort of thing.

Shiftless band of rogues.
That's what they were.

I'll take his statement, barn,

Have him look
through the mug books,

Check out some
known ne'er-do-wells.

Manpower reports.

Thank you, levitt.

An unfair appraisal, sir.

Excuse me?

Concerning your
hands being womanly.

Then, again, I've never
seen their women.

Telephone number?

Ain't got one.

Social security number.

Ain't got one.

- Driver's license nu...
- Ain't got one.

Amish belief prohibits
any government affiliation,

Such as receiving
social security numbers.

It also prohibits the use
of any technological device

Unless it's in the bible, right?

Then you can't drive a car?

No automobiles
in the bible, sir.

Or go on an airplane?

Not in the bible.

No movies?

No television?

No discos?

What can you people do?

Got kids.

That's in the bible.

Yeah?

Barn, I checked
lesco for priors.

And?

The guy's a pro.

Arrests, convictions,
and look what they're for.

Banks, the diamond
exchange, museum?

He was a real big-leaguer.

He seems to have
lost his fastball.

Well, the hotel he stays at,

I found out it's a halfway
house for mental patients.

Oh.

Sort of a waldorf hysteria.

Well, harris does it.

Happy thanksgiving.

Isn't it?

Mr. Lesco.

Nice day, huh?

Very.

Mr. Lesco, we've been
reviewing your criminal record...

A lot of good stuff.

Very impressive...

Which is why we're
a bit confused.

Me too.

Mr. Lesco, how long
have you been living

At the, uh, hotel?

You mean the nuthouse.

If you prefer.

I guess ever since
the operation.

Operation?

I got an amygdalotomy.

Look out.

It's not pretty.

Amygdalotomy is a recent
neurological technique.

It's a more sophisticated
version of a lobotomy.

Electric current is introduced
through holes in the skull

To cauterize and
destroy nerve cells

In the limbic
region of the brain.

This enables the surgeon
to alter or control

One or more aspects of behavior.

Anybody catch "lucy" last night?

Beats the hell
out of this topic.

Uh, you mean they drill a hole?

Mm-hmm.

Uh, look, call the place.

See if there's anybody in
charge who can come down.

Right.

Shalom.

Howdy.

Oh, my goodness.

Arnold ripner. Still
attorney-at-law?

Afternoon, harris.

You come to see a client
or just hoping to get lucky?

I represent gilbert lesco.

There he is, laying over there.

Gilbert... You robbed
a liquor store?

Slumming, huh?

Arnold.

Of course it's arnold.

I was pretty sure.

Look, I came as soon
as I got your message.

I called as soon as I could.

Wojo: hey, arnold.

What did you do to him?

Nothing.

You must have
beaten him senseless!

He came that way.

What is it with you people?

The last time I came
in, my client was dead.

This time he's a vegetable.

I thought you said
you called an attorney.

Mr. Lesco says he
had an operation.

Operation? What do you mean?

It's kind of technical.

Well, what kind of operation?

An, um, um... Wing it.

I knew it was thanksgiving.

So the operation was when?

Oh, a while ago, I guess.

A year and a half?

I have trouble with dates.

Which you never
had before, right?

I've always had
trouble with dates.

Come on, cooperate.

Eight years I have
known this man

And never once has he
missed an appointment!

Getting clarified, arnold?

I didn't think this
could happen in america.

You're satisfied we're
in no way responsible

For mr. Lesco's condition?

I think we are all
responsible, captain,

For allowing this to happen!

When I think of
the irreversible...

Mutilation...

The pain and suffering,
the loss of income.

You warming up for
a lawsuit, arnold?

Damn right.

When I knew this man,

He was a vicious,
productive criminal!

Now he can hardly put
two words together, right?

Huh?

Hold that thought.

Good luck, arnold.

Funny, huh?

What's that?

It not being my fault.

Usually when things
blow up around here,

It's 'cause of something
I did or something I said.

I'm right in the
middle of the mess.

Hey, this situation, you've
got nothing to apologize for.

It's got nothing to do with you.

Guess not.

I'm sorry. That's the way it is.

No luck?

No, sir.

Well, we'll keep your
information on file.

Other than that,
you're free to go.

- Sergeant harris?
- Yeah.

Healthy walk back to weavertown.

Ain't got no money,
no train ticket.

Oh, you know anyone
here in the city?

No, thank you.

Well, why don't you call home,

Have someone wire
you some money?

On that?

Yeah. On that.

No telephones in the bible, sir.

Isn't that just direct dialing?

Oh, hey, look,

I'm really trying to help you,

But you got to meet me halfway.

Say, ?

Look, consider it an emergency.

I suppose I could bend a little.

Good.

Do you know anybody
else who's got a phone?

Have a seat.

Can I help you?

I'm dr. Milton prentice.

And you're... A cop.

I understand you're holding
a mr. Gilbert lesco here.

He's over there.

Well, thank you.

Part of the job.

Gilbert?

What's up, doc?

Who is this?

Dr. Milton prentice.

Prentice, the surgeon?

I would have come sooner,

But I had some things to
finish up at the hospital.

Picking up a few more dollars

In that chamber of horrors

You laughingly call
an operating room?

I take it you're an attorney.

Arnold ripner.
Mr. Lesco is my client.

He's my patient.

Right. The ice pick cometh.

Could we save the histrionics?

I will for court.

I should have known you
vultures in the legal business...

Vultures? Well, coming
from dr. Demento...

Just one minute...

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Let's lighten up here.

I'll meet you in court!

Let's just take it easy, huh?

I didn't do it.

I'm captain miller, mr., Uh...

Dr. Milton prentice.
Mr. Lesco is under my care.

I see.

Captain, may I inquire as to
why mr. Lesco's being held?

He was arrested for robbery.

Oh, no, no, captain.

He doesn't do that anymore.

You mean he doesn't
get away with it anymore.

The man was a genius!

You've turned him into a
side dish, for god's sake!

The procedure
performed on mr. Lesco

Was psychologically imperative.

He was severely schizophrenic,

Subject to violent
outbursts of rage.

He also had
obsessive-compulsive tendencies

Which manifested themselves

In an uncontrollable
urge to steal.

A marketable skill.

All right, arnold.

Every other method was tried...

Thorazine, other
dr*gs, shock therapy.

This procedure was
simply the last resort.

It's "cuckoo's
nest" all over again!

Yeah, I saw that.

I had raisinets.

Captain, if mr. Lesco could
be released into my custody,

I would assume
full responsibility.

What are you going to do...

Make a few more alterations,

Take in his lobes a little?

Now, the two of you,
let's just hold it down.

Doctor, there's still the
matter of the robbery charge.

Captain, to put
him back into jail

Would be signing
his death warrant.

Mr. Lesco simply
couldn't survive there

In his present state
of... Tranquility.

Listen, you turn him
over to this... Maniac,

And I will hold not only you

But the entire police department

And the city of new york
personally responsible!

Wojo, have you
contacted the owner

Of the liquor store yet?

Uh, no, but maybe
he's there now.

In the meantime, can we just
relax a moment, gentlemen?

Shall we go to neutral corners?

Thank you.

It's so noisy out there.

Glad you found refuge.

Got a problem with
american gothic.

I take it you're
referring to mr. Webber?

Barney, he has no
way to get home.

He can't use the telephone,
he won't send a telegram.

I mean, the man is
absolutely primitive.

There must be some way of
getting him back to pennsylvania

Without violating
his religious tenets.

I mean, there's, uh...

I wish I had my own room.

Listen, I'm not going
to be here forever.

You know, who knows?

Oh, hey, look, barney.

I mean, I wasn't talking
about your office specifically.

Well, why not? I mean, you
know, if you make captain.

Ha. "If."

Hi.

Those plate-glass dandies
have been really raising cain.

Yeah, I just want
to get out of here.

Got fields need tending, myself.

Fields? You a farmer.

Yep.

I'm not.

What's it like?

Hmm?

Farming?

Work hard... Up early,
milk the cows, bail some hay,

Maybe plow an acre or two.

Then what?

Breakfast.

I guess it keeps
you pretty busy.

Don't like a lot
of lollygagging.

Yeah.

After a while, it
ain't that great.

Don't you understand?

Mr. Lesco had become incapable
of functioning anywhere

But in the back ward
of a mental institution.

We could have dumped him
there. Instead, we tried to help.

Help? By turning his brain
into cerebral succotash?

Or maybe you think
it would be better

Just to take him out and
put a b*llet in his head.

Maybe it would!

No offense.

Yeah?

Oh, uh, uh...

I called the owner
of the liquor store,

And I explained an
amygdalotomy to him,

And he said they're not
going to press charges.

Then I'll just take
mr. Lesco along with me.

Haven't you been listening?

Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen.

Mr. Lesco, there's been
a lot of discussion here

Back and forth.

Dr. Prentice wants to take
you under his supervision.

Mr. Ripner obviously
has some other ideas.

Surely you must have
some feelings in the matter.

Huh?

What do you want to do?

I want to go to the farm.

Farm? What farm?
What about the lawsuit?

What lawsuit?

Mr. Ripner thinks I've
injured you, gilbert.

Now, do you think that?

The way you are
now, are you unhappy?

No.

Good.

I'm not happy, either.

I'm not anything.

Mostly I'm just... Here.

Look, as it stands
[clears throat]

My caseload is crushing.

So, for the time being,

I'll forget about
any legal action.

He wouldn't know what to
do with the money anyway.

But you,

You try and dig your way
back into that man's brain again,

And I will slap you with
an injunction so fast,

It'll make your head spin!

And that I will do for free...

Because he's a friend of mine!

May I leave now, captain?

Appreciate your
cooperation, doctor.

Gilbert...

I'll drop by in a few
days to look in on you.

I meant we'll talk!

You know, captain...

I'm not some... Evil madman

Bent on destroying
people's souls.

No one is judging you.

Very funny.

Listen, gil, you take
care of yourself.

Stay out of trouble, okay?

Thanks, arnold...

For whatever you
were doing here.

Sure.

Goodbye, captain.

For free, arnold?

Oh, yeah, well, i, uh...

I-i kind of got caught up
in the heat of the moment.

Still, that was quite a gesture.

That's an opinion.

I mean, it might even
be described as... Noble.

Watch it! That could be slander!

Mr. Lesco, you're free to go.

Wojo, you want to give
him a run back to the hotel?

Sure.

If he's of a mind to,
captain, I'll walk him back.

Yeah.

That's mighty neighborly of you.

Sorry to have kept you so long.

Patient waiting is
often the highest way

Of doing god's will.

That's very wise.

Don't make the walk no shorter.

You won't have to walk
back to pennsylvania.

Got no choice.

Well, we'll be glad
to lend you the...

Can't be beholden
to no outsiders.

Not even a miller?

Okay, uh, can you
sign it right there?

Thanks.

Okay. Um...

What I said back there about
you being better off dead,

I had no right.

Hey, I appreciate the interest.

Your $ will be back next week.

- Sergeant harris.
- Mr. Webber.

Give my regards to your family,

If you can find the time.

Mr. Lesco, are you ready?

Yeah.

You really get up
every morning at : ?

Rain or shine.

What about sleep?

Intermittent.

I'm going.

Guess our remedies ain't
quite progressed like yours.

Afraid you caught our
society on a bad day.

No need to apologize.

Just stay the hell away from us.

I think you can
kiss off the $ .