06x15 - The Child Stealers

[bunniefuu]

Gentlemen,

Next week's duty
roster for your perusal.

Mnh-mnh. I quit.

Problem, harris?

Barn, you got me on with
inspector luger again.

Wojo has been on with
him for the last few days.

So now it's my turn
in the barrel again?

Exactly.

Barney, I'm still
trying to recover

From that stakeout last week.

I mean, hours in a car
with the old inspector.

I mean, blowing his
nose every five minutes,

Slurping his coffee.

Barn, making little shadow
puppets on the dashboard.

And telling those same
old morbid stories...

How they gunned down foster,
how they blew up kleiner...

They gunned down
kleiner, blew up foster.

Whatever, barn. The
man is not fun to be with.

Harris...

Harris, we work in
teams around here.

Now, the man has to
be on with somebody.

So? Why don't you put
him on with dietrich?

Hey. Whoa.

Hey, come on, arthur, man.
Look, just name your price.

- Forget it.
- Gentlemen.

Look, I had him for hours.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen.

Yes, the man can
be grating at times.

However, he has
been assigned here,

And he will be here for,
uh, god knows how long.

It's up to us

To be as tolerant and
understanding as possible.

In here, clyde.

Boy, you're just lucky
that foster or kleiner

Never get ahold of you.

Keep a good thought.

What do you got, inspector?

Scum, barney.

How you doing?

Who is this?

Uh, this is felix morrissey.

He tried to hold up a drugstore
over on houston using this.

Must be years old.

Looks like a dueling p*stol.

Uh, the clerk wouldn't
take him seriously,

Refused to open the register.

Yeah, the guy wanted
proof that my g*n worked.

I mean, I gave him my word.

When we got there,
they were still arguing,

And inspector just
walked right up

And grabbed the
g*n away from him.

Sure.

He didn't scare me with
that sissy little peashooter.

Hey, jack, I don't
make fun of your g*n.

Eh!

Harris.

Inspector.

We don't get to see
weapons like this very often.

Where did you get it?

I bought it for bucks.

From whom?

Hey, I can't tell you that.

That's professional ethics.

Well, I'm sure you'll understand
why we have to book you.

Sure.

Okay, plant it over here, punko.

Check out the serial
number of that thing.

Yeah, uh, barn,
this thing works.

I mean, I unloaded
it myself, and, uh...

Yeah?

Uh... Nothing.

Look, uh, yeah.
We'll be right over.

Barney, call from the
police property warehouse.

Barn, we're being robbed.

Wonderful.

Barn, I'm on with dietrich.

Dietrich?

Notice how casually I took that.

I mean, right in stride.

A few years ago,

I would've said "my god!"
Or at least "you're kidding."

Sure, barn.

I mean, after
being a cop so long,

I mean, you're bound
to become jaded.

Come on, arthur. We got
a burglary in progress.

It's the police warehouse.

Holy moly... Us?

Hey, I'm still new.

Uh... Did you watch the
knick game on tv last night?

How could i?

You know my dumont went kaput.

Oh. Right. Sorry.

That's okay, barney.

If anything good comes on,

I can always duck
into the local gin mill

Or else go down,
stand on the sidewalk,

Watch it through the
window of an appliance store.

It's next week's duty roster.

Oh, yeah... "Duty roster."

Seems to me like
they're kind of shuffling

The old inspector around pretty
good these days, huh, barney?

I mean, one day with
harris, one day with d.d.

I thought that would
be the way to do it.

This way, if you rotate,
everybody gets a chance.

- Ah, a rotation, huh?
- Yeah.

Kind of makes me feel
like the old, senile uncle,

You know, the family
keeps passing around

From one relative to another,

Until one of them
gets up guts enough

To stick him into a home.

Inspector, that is not the case.

That's what they
did with brownie.

I mean, I wanted to
take him in with me, barn.

Honest to god.

I mean, the plastic tubes
and all, but I just couldn't.

Inspector...

I couldn't leave him alone
there in the apartment

All day by himself, could i?

What if there's a fire
or earthquake or...

Or the phone rang?

Okay, mr. Osborne,
right in here, please.

I was just cutting
through the red tape.

I'm afraid there may
be more coming up.

Barn, this is
mr. Joseph osborne.

The guys down at property

Caught him coming off the
warehouse loading dock

Carrying that sony in his arms.

I wasn't stealing it.

Of course.

No, he wasn't, barn. It's his.

Huh?

I guess you don't
remember me, captain,

But I was here about
a year and a half ago

After my apartment was robbed.

Within a week, your
people had caught the thief

And recovered my tv set.

- Oh.
- But you never gave it back!

Huh?

Barney, apparently,
mr. Osborne had a little difficulty

Reclaiming the set from
the property department.

First they said they had to
keep it until after the trial

In case they needed
the tv in court.

- That took four months.
- Yeah, well...

Then they said
they had to keep it

Until I got a release
from the district attorney.

That took weeks.

Then they tell me
they have to hold it

In case the guy who
took it puts in a claim!

It's diabolical!

It is a bit complex, I admit.

And we both know the
reason why, don't we, captain?

No. Why?

It's because all the property
that doesn't get claimed

Gets auctioned off,

And your police fund
gets all the money, right?

Well, that is what happens,

But I can assure you it's not
because the police department

Is confiscating private
property for its own benefit.

This thing color?

Look, I can appreciate your
frustration, mr. Osborne,

But that is no reason
for breaking and entering.

All I know is now
I got my tv back.

Dietrich: guess again.

The serial number on the theft
report doesn't match the tv.

What?

You got the wrong sony.

They all look alike.

What?

I'm afraid you've stolen

Somebody else's
television set, mr. Osborne.

- Barn.
- Yeah.

Uh, I ran down the g*n.

It belongs to a collector,
but it wasn't on the hot sheet.

No?

No, so I got him
coming down here.

Okay.

Barn?

Yeah?

Uh... It's about
inspector luger.

If you'll check the roster,

You'll see that
harris is on with him.

No, that's not it.

Oh?

You're always trying
to get ahead of me.

What is it? What
about inspector luger?

Well, it's about the way
that he grabbed morrissey

In the drugstore.

Yeah?

I mean, it was something
that you had to see.

He just totally
moved in and took over.

Yeah?

I mean, morrissey was
pointing a g*n at him

And telling him to stay away,

And luger walked right up to him

And grabbed it by the
barrel and took it from him.

By the barrel?

Yeah. It was like he
was daring him to use it.

What is it you're
trying to say, wojo?

Just that the...

Just that the way he
acted was, you know, like...

Like he wanted to get sh*t.

Come on, that's ridiculous!

Okay.

I mean, it's just not
the way the man is.

He would never do a
thing like that. He's, uh...

Sure, he's been having
a tough time of it.

He's depressed
because of his demotion,

But it's not that serious.

Right.

He does have a kind of a...

Preoccupation...
With the morbid.

He was talking about
not wanting to...

Go out like brownie, you know.

How he'd prefer a
clean, quick death.

Of course, that's just talk.

Well, I'm glad you
cleared that up.

A year and a half you guys
have kept my tv set locked up,

Giving me the runaround.

Look, I'm sure everything's
gonna work just fine.

Are you getting me my tv?

I'm working on it.

Sure.

Mr. Osborne.

Because of you guys,

I missed nearly two whole
seasons of television.

Football games, world
series, all the new shows.

In the cage.

I haven't even seen
"real people" yet.

Some day you'll thank us.

Uh, inspector.

Yeah.

Not a bad little
peashooter, huh, barney?

Uh, yeah.

Solid, compact.

It could get the job done.

Could use a cleaning, though.

- Uh, inspector.
- Huh?

No, I'm not through
with it, barn.

Uh... Wojo needs it.

Huh?

Evidence.

Well, pardon me for living.

Excuse me?

I'm looking for a
sergeant wojciehowicz.

Yeah, we're all
looking for something.

Vogel, I'm wojciehowicz.
This is captain miller.

Hello.

Mr. Vogel.

Is, uh... Is this your g*n?

Yes, that's my
double-action pepperbox.

It's one of my
most prized pieces.

Ah.

I-i-it was stolen.

But that theft was
never reported.

Well, i-i-i didn't know
the procedure, you see.

But now that I'm here,

I'll just fill out
the necessary forms

And get out of your way.

Can I see your license
for this w*apon?

Oh, yes. Yes, of
course. It's right here.

I have a collector's license.

This is my foster
child. She's in korea.

She depends on me.

Oh, yes, here it is.

Her name is kim lee.
She'll be next month.

Not bad.

Seems to be in order.

Oh. Oh, yes.
Certainly. Of course.

Well, I'll just take
my g*n and run along.

You have a large
collection, mr. Vogel?

Yes, yes, I have some pieces

That go clear back
to the th century.

Breechloaders and
flintlocks and smoothbores.

Any of them missing?

All of them.

Why didn't you tell us?

I just did.

Have a seat, mr. Vogel.

I mean, to lose such
a valuable collection

And not report it...

Is it just possible, mr. Vogel,

That included in
that collection are...

Are some illegal firearms?

I see you've guessed
my little secret.

Well, I did have a
few verboten items.

Such as?

Oh, a submachine g*n
and a flamethrower

And a couple grenade launchers.

Wojo, you better
get a complete list

And get out an apb
as soon as possible.

Yeah. Right. Gotcha.

Barney, bank hold-up.
Guy's got a bazooka.

It's probably mine.

I'll take it, barney.

Uh, inspector, that
won't be necessary.

Huh? But it's my case.

Wojo, take harris.

Thanks, barn.

Take some uniforms and
contact emergency service.

Playing favorites, huh?

A couple of german mausers.

Hmm.

An m- rocket launcher.

You got no cruise missiles?

Can't keep those in the city.

Got that list done yet?

Oh, yes.

Here. Look.

You got enough firepower
here to level a city.

Thank you.

Ought to send it
over to afghanistan.

Knock those commies
back under the iron curtain,

Where they belong.

Just brushing up on
my cold w*r jargon.

Pinko.

Mr. Morrissey, if you've
been paying any attention,

You know that this
thing has turned serious.

Now I want to know...
Where did you get that g*n?

I can't tell you!

Mr. Morrissey!

I don't know!

It was some guy
I met in the bar.

I gave him the money.
He gave me the g*n.

I didn't even get his name.

It was just a brief encounter.

All right, let's
get that apb out,

And get on to all the
borough commanders.

You better warn
them that there may be

A lot of firepower
on the streets.

What about my tv?

Oh, inspector.

Where you been, barney?

I was downstairs.

I had some things
to take care of.

Oh.

You need anything?

Huh? No, no.

There's just nothing
for me to do out there,

So I thought I'd
just sit in here.

Inspector...

You got d.d. Taking
care of that g*n nut.

Then you send wojo out
with harris on my case.

Inspector, I felt it was better
that they work together.

Now, they have been
together for years,

And they know
each other's moves.

Or maybe you're just afraid

To send frankie luger
out on a call, huh?

Figure maybe he's
getting a little too old.

Can't cut the mustard anymore.

That's not the case at all.

I thought I handled myself
pretty good with that punk.

As a matter of fact,

Wojo was talking
to me about that.

Oh, was he?

Changing his story, huh?

Trying to grab off
some of the glory?

Listen, I'm the guy
that grabbed the g*n

Out of that young
punk's hand, remember?

I know.

I laid it all right
on the line, barney.

I could've got myself k*lled.

Are you sure that
wasn't the whole idea?

Huh?

What? Oh.

You think I was looking to
take a slug in the gut, hmm?

You think I wanted to
go out on that bank heist

So maybe I could walk
in front of a bazooka,

Get my head blown
off my shoulders,

My ears and everything
splattered all over the walls?

They'd have to scrape
me off with a putty Kn*fe?

Is that what you think?

Yeah.

Oh.

I appreciate that, barney.

Inspector, it's just that
you can't help notice

How depressed you've been
with the demotion and everything

And how you're always
talking about foster and kleiner

And how great it
was that they got it

In the line of duty,
and I was just worried

That you were looking
to set yourself up

For the same thing
to happen to you.

Poppycock, barney.

Never entered my mind.

You're certain?

Certainly.

I may get a little down in
the dumps occasionally,

But that don't mean
I'm about to go out

And take a bazooka
blast in the bread basket.

I'm glad to hear that,

'Cause we're genuinely
fond of you around here,

And we'd like to see you
hang around for a while.

Bet you they'd give me one
hell of a funeral, though,

Huh, barn?

A closed coffin, of course.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Look familiar?

That's betty.

About that raise, barney...

Wojo!

Uh, it isn't loaded.

It's already been fired.

Come on, big blast, get in here.

I had no idea. I
mean, the noise.

What happened?

I don't know. It just went boom.

Barn, this is vincent turso.

He walked into
the bank with that,

Told them to open the vault.

Otherwise, he
would blow it open.

Are there chimes in here?

Anyway, when they
said they couldn't,

He blew a -foot hole
through the door.

Pretty stupid stunt, mr. Turso.

No kidding.

Barn, the backblast knocked
out most of the windows.

Well, I wasn't supposed
to use that thing.

The guy gives it to me,
says "go in and point it.

They'll be throwing
money all over you."

- What guy?
- The guy that I bought it from.

- Who was?
- I don't know. Just some guy.

I met him at the ballet.

Book him.

All right. Mr. Vogel?

Come on. Sit down.

You want to take it easy,
huh? It's been very rough.

Just sit down.

Did you ever fire one of those?

Yeah, in nam.

Oh, sure. Outside.

Am I free to leave now?

No.

Not until you're given
a criminal citation

For each illegal piece.

I did that.

Oh.

Yeah, you can go.

I guess you're wondering
why I collect g*ns.

No, not particularly.

You see, g*ns are america.

The history of the g*n is
the history of this country,

From the pilgrims' blunderbuss
to the winchester, the colt.

Why, even the
snub-nosed . You carry.

- Quite a cavalcade.
- Mm-hmm.

Culminating with the
ultimate g*n... The atomic b*mb...

The one that may make
all other g*ns obsolete.

Unfortunately, you'll
have to do without that one

In your collection.

Yes, I guess so.

I'll keep the file open.

Hey, barn...

Inspector luger is out there,

Fiddling around
with the bazooka.

Wojo, I had a long
talk with the man.

He's fine.

He's okay.

You mean he's not
thinking about, uh...

The man said it never
entered his mind.

Oh, yeah?

At least not until
we brought it up.

So you had to
drag me into it, huh?

Barn? Line .

Inspector henderson,
commissioner's office.

Thank you.

Okay.

Oh, my god, it's my tv.

Yeah, I got you
a bail ticket, too.

I dreamed about this day.

So did i.

Okay, just have to sign this,
and then you can go home.

See? I wasn't lying.

Same model, same
size, same color.

Same problem.

What?

We got to hold
this for your trial.

But you've got another one.

Well, you know, because of
the way your defense is set up...

The similarities,
the tv, et cetera.

Well, you understand.

But...

Don't worry. We'll
take care of this.

We'll get it to
you in good shape

As soon as the trial is over.

Good night, mr. Osborne.
Take care of yourself.

Don't worry about the set.
We'll take care of it for you.

Watch yourself.

Gentlemen.

Change to the duty roster.

Inspector?

Yeah?

You're being reassigned.

Yeah? Where?

Staten island or
columbus circle?

They want you back downtown.

Huh?

You mean back doing
what I did before?

Tomorrow morning, you
report to manhattan south.

Well, men,

Looks like you'll be losing
the old inspector, huh?

Terrific!

About time.

Of course, I intend to stick
around for the rest of the day.

- Sure.
- Sure.