06x22 - Fog

[bunniefuu]

I'm perfectly certain

This is all part of an error
on the part of my bank.

But, mrs. Stratton,
I mean, since ,

You've bounced more
than checks in states.

I'm going to hawaii next month.

Or possibly not.

Sergeant...

I intend to make full
restitution of every cent.

But, mrs. Stratton,
these overdrafts here,

They total, I mean,
almost $ , .

I'll give you a check, darling.

If I had known you were a cop,

I wouldn't have tried
to pick your pocket.

No kidding.

It's just that your
pants got me excited...

Stretchy double knits, wallet
bulging out of your pocket

Like it was a load of laundry.

Come on. Inside.

Everybody else is wearing
those tight french jeans.

Try and get your hand in them.

I know what you mean.

I finished processing kingman.

Fine.

So, I'll run him over to
the tombs in a few minutes,

And then I'll come back.

Fine.

I can come back?

More rumors, wojo?

The guy in pictures and prints

Just told me that
they're going to bust

A bunch of junior
grades back to uniform

And ship them over
to manhattan south.

I hear staten island.

Staten island?

I'm just kidding, wojo!

You know, that's how
rumors get started, barn.

I've been hearing the
same rumors you have

About precinct closings,

Demotions of third
grades, sergeants.

Captains.

The point is, there has
been no definite word yet,

And until there
is, the thing to do

Is not to pay any
attention to idle gossip.

You guys hear the latest?

What?

Sir, you want to get in on this?

All right, levitt,
what do you got?

This is leonard
roth, a cabdriver.

Mr. Roth was robbed at gunpoint,

Then locked in the
trunk of his hack.

Right. Four days ago.

And you're just reporting it?

I just got out!

Oh, I see.

Four days in a hot
and stinking trunk...

I was pounding and
screaming my lungs out,

And no one lifted a finger.

Why don't you have
a seat, mr. Roth?

There were people
walking by all the time.

I'm begging for help,
and they're saying,

"Ignore it. It
doesn't concern us.

Maybe it's allen funt."

Obviously, somebody
did let you out.

Oh, sure... Some
clown rear-ended me,

And the trunk popped open.

He didn't know I was in there.

You want to have a seat?
We'll show you some pictures.

Maybe you'll recognize somebody.

Yeah, thank you.

Uh, dietrich, want to
take care of mr. Roth?

No.

No, I wouldn't... So don't ask.

Sir, if you need anything else,

I'll be downstairs getting
my things together.

What?

To be prepared to
vacate the premises.

Didn't you know, sir?

According to informed sources,

They're tearing
down the precinct

To make room for luxury
low-income housing units.

Where did you get that one?

The catering truck.

Okay. Got it.

Barn, there's a disturbance

At a dry cleaners
over on bleecker.

Uh, you and wojo.

Somebody's going to have
to bounce mrs. Stratton

Over to manhattan south.

I'll take care of it.

Okay. Let's go, woj.

- Hey, harris.
- Yeah?

Have you heard anything
about them busting detectives

Back to uniform?

Hey, man. I wouldn't
worry about it.

Well, I'm not gonna buy
any new clothes for a while.

That's always a good idea.

All right, come on in here.

I'm warning you. You keep
that t*rror1st away from me!

Don't you thr*aten
me, you expansionist pig!

Watch who you're calling
a pig, you camel driver!

Hey! Both of you, knock it off.

I have a station wagon.

What's going on here?

Oh, barn, you know
mr. Cotterman,

Cotterman's liquors.

- Mr. Cotterman.
- Hello, captain.

Barney, this is
mr. Steven haddad.

This is captain miller.

Mr. Haddad owns the cleaners
next door to cotterman.

He's an arab.

So? You didn't
introduce him as a jew.

He knew it already, right?

All right, what's happening?

Well, barn, according
to mr. Cotterman,

Mr. Haddad tossed a brick

Through the front
window of his store.

While my back was turned...
But what else is new?

If I was going to throw a
brick, I'd throw it in your face!

All right, all right.
What's the problem?

There's no problem, captain.

- Tell him to stay
out of my alley.
- Your alley?

My liquor store was there
before your dry cleaners.

He puts his trash bins
in where I park my truck!

I need room for the ice machine.

So what goes in
next... A kibbutz?

Anyway, when mr. Cotterman

Confronted mr. Haddad
with the brick,

A six-minute w*r ensued,

During which they took a
couple swipes at each other.

I take it the
charges are mutual?

Oh, yeah. They agreed on that.

We're going to need
a few statements.

I know the procedure, captain.

Sergeant harris, shall we?

Mr. Haddad, if you'll
have a seat over here,

Sergeant wojciehowicz
will take your statement.

I didn't throw that brick.

Regardless, we're going
to have to book you.

Sure. Why not?
I'm an arab, right?

Aren't we responsible for
all that's bad in the world...

The mideast v*olence,

The hostage situation,
the energy problem?

Don't all speak at once.

Have a seat, mr. Haddad.

You know, you
got a horrible stain

On the back of your sweater.

So what?

I'll just toss it in the
sink with a little woolite.

It's good as new.

Sure. Take your best sh*t.

Go pitch a tent.

Where?

Your zionist hoodlums
sold our homeland.

Zionist hoodlums?

Where'd you pick that
up... Lynn redgrave?

That's vanessa, stupid.

Lynn is the one on
the hospital show.

What hospital show?

You know, the one with the guy
that used to be on "m♪a♪s♪h."

Oh, yeah.

Why isn't he on "trapper john"?

How do I know?!

Ask the guy from "bonanza"!

You ask him. What
am i... Your sl*ve?

You were once.

It's good to see you gentlemen
have reached an accord.

- What?!
- Good.

Wojo, you want to turn

Mr. Haddad and
mr. Cotterman loose?

Harris, would you
get their valuables?

Captain, I'm still
pressing charges.

So am i! We despise
each other, right?

Absolutely.

Which is why I admire you
gentlemen all the more,

Putting aside your
petty differences

In the face of more
compelling issues

Like police manpower shortages,

Departmental budget cuts,

Detectives working
double caseloads.

You want us to leave?

Fine.

Come sign.

I wouldn't ordinarily do this,

But as a special
favor, captain...

Thank you.

Mr. Haddad.

If he can be gracious, so can i.

Wonderful.

And I'm sure if you two
gentlemen would sit down

And discuss your problems
face-to-face across the table,

You would come up with a
just and lasting solution.

Sure, when the
red sea parts again.

If it did, you'd build
a settlement there.

So! We made the desert bloom.

Usurper! Martinizer!

Good day, gentlemen!

At least they're talking.

Ah, the same to you, bub.

It just so happens I had
this suit washed last week.

Barney, inspector luger's here.

Thank you.

Luger: hi, barn. How you doing?

Ah, inspector.

Nice to see you
all here together.

Ah, what's up?

Uh, nothing much, barney,

Just a minor
departmental policy change

That will alter the lives

Of every man, woman,
and child in the nypd.

Well, what is it?

None of your business, wojo.

Just kidding, just kidding.

Can we go into
your office, barn?

If this affects everybody,

I'd just as soon we
all hear it firsthand.

Sure. Why not?

Well, you know how
the big brass downtown

Is always trying to make
changes in the department...

You know, goose
up the efficiency,

Bolster the productivity,

All that pie-in-the-sky garbage?

Yeah. Well, they're doing it.

How?

Specialty squads.

Specialty squads? Yeah.

Now instead of having to go
out on every piddly little call

That comes into
the precinct, see,

You expand your area of
operation and specialize...

Like one squad will
be strictly bunco,

One will be vice, one
will be narcotics...

And us?

Well, I had to pull a
few strings, barney,

Call in a couple of i.o.u.s,

But I got you homicide.

Yeah, yeah, no more
second-class collars

For my boys from
the good old - .

So from now on, it's going
to be strictly m*rder.

Thank you, inspector luger.

Uh... But I've been
waiting a week.

You guys promised
you'd have it for me today.

Well, I don't care if
you've got a bludgeoning

And a su1c1de pact ahead of me,

I need an official cause
of death for my report.

I know he was stabbed times.

Look, haven't you got a latin
term for that or something?

Okay, then.

Multiple...

s*ab wounds.

You see, sergeant dietrich,

I have always placed a
great deal of emphasis

On good grooming
and personal hygiene.

Well, you know,
clothes make the man...

Cleanliness is
next to godliness...

A smile and a shoeshine.

Those are my mottoes. Right.

Well, when I realized what
that person had done to me,

I understandably
became a little upset.

You slit your barber's throat.

Of course. Look
what he did to my hair.

It looks fine to me.

Oh, no. That's
where you're wrong.

The sideburns are
measurably uneven.

It's tapered
crooked in the back.

He gave me a cowlick.

I look like alfalfa in
"the little rascals."

Yeah, now I see it.

Yes. Everyone does.

Jenkins report finished yet?

No.

The medical examiner's
backed up till next week.

You can never get an
autopsy when you need one.

Hello, people.

How did it go?

Eh, same as the others...

Mutilated body
sitting in a garbage can,

Hacked up into
manageable portions

And stuffed into
assorted trash bags.

I see.

Ah, danish.

Any leads at all?

Well, I think I got
it narrowed down

To somebody who's really sick.

Anyway, I tagged the remains
and had them sent downtown.

Write it up and
keep me apprised.

Don't let it get to
you. Hey, no problem.

No, there's nobody in there.

Just checking.

Captain, I finished the
arrest report on st. Martin.

Oh, fine.

"Probable motive...
Too much off the top"?

Well, take a look at him.

To tell you the truth,

It's been, what,
almost two weeks now?

I'm really not completely
adjusted to our new clientele.

Actually, it's not
that much different

From the old caseloads.

There's minor squabbles,
family disputes, petty thefts...

Same as before.

Except now we've got their guts

Splattered all over
the sidewalk, right?

You could let a guy finish.

Can I help you?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I couldn't help but
admire your hair.

It's perfect.

Thank you.

You probably had to
k*ll a lot of barbers

Before you found the right one.

Okay, henry. Time for
pictures and prints.

Oh, no. I couldn't possibly
have my picture taken.

Not looking like this. We
been through this already.

Let's go!

Perhaps if I saw his barber...
Outta the chair, henry!

You're through!

Sir, your mail.

What's all that?

Unsolved cases of a
non-homicidal nature...

You're supposed to
give them your okay

Before pawning them off on
our various specialty squads.

Okay.

Something else, levitt?

Sir, I just want to say that
while I realize at the moment

I'm only an
administrative drudge,

Sir, my only request is
that in the hopeful event

Of an unwieldy amount
of senseless bloodshed,

I.e. Gangland slayings,
t*rror1st bombings...

God willing, a tower k*ller...

That you'll bear in mind

That I'm still available
for squad-room duty.

I'll keep it in mind.

Bless you.

Don't sh**t. It's me.

Bang, bang.

Aah!

Ah ah. Didn't say, "freeze."

Oh, darn.

Hey, carol.

Hi, wojo, diet, har.

Inspector.

Seems kind of dead in here.

Business is good, hmm?

Oh.

Who did mr. Belvedere k*ll?

His barber.

Ahh. Lovers' quarrel, hmm?

Bad haircut, so
he slit his throat.

Mmm. Tsk, tsk, tsk,
tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

What kind of a murdering scum

Do you call yourself,
anyway, hmm?

Henry.

Look, if your barber
gives you a bad trim,

Lets a couple of itchy
hairs fall down your collar,

So you don't tip him, you
swipe his copy of cavalier.

Ah, inspector,
what brings you...

Don't go slicing a man's
throat from ear to ear!

Social visit? Huh?

Just wondering what
brings you down here.

Oh, nothing much, barney,

Just a little quasi-official
personal business.

You got a few minutes, barn?

As a matter a fact, I've
got about case files

On my desk I got to go through.

Ah, good.

Well, then, one more little
thing won't matter, will it?

Got your pictures
for you, arthur.

Oh, boy.

Dead barber from the left,
dead barber from the right,

And, of course, your
dead barber dead-on.

What's this?

Oh, well, when I saw you
standing over the body,

Making notes, I thought
it would make a cute sh*t.

It does. You can keep it.

Thank you. My mother's
been asking me for a picture.

Which one's harris?

Uh, I am.

Hi. I'm ron harris.

Alex kramer.

I worked up a composite for
you of your hacked-up torsos.

Ah.

My, aren't these lovely?

What, uh...

What happened to the
other photographer?

He quit.

Listen, why don't
you take a seat,

And we'll look these over?

Oh, look, could I get
you some coffee or tea?

Coffee.

How do you take yours? Black.

Oh, good.

So, anyway, barney,

With this departmental
reorganization going on,

You know, and all our people

Being shuffled around
from pillar to pole,

It figures there's going
to be a few jobs available

With the hierarchy downtown.

I wouldn't be at all surprised.

No, no, not that I'm
exactly miserable

Schlepping around
the way I do now, barney.

But let's face it, you know?

The old inspector...

Isn't getting any
younger, barney, hmm?

There's no reason why I
shouldn't try to grab off

One of them cushy desk
jobs in my declining years...

A title maybe, you know,

Nice nameplate on the
desk, a little prestige.

I deserve it, barney.

Absolutely... And I'm
sure they'd welcome

A man of your caliber
and expertise downtown.

I knew you'd say that, barney.

That's why I'd like
your recommendation

On this
performance-evaluation form.

There you go.

Huh?

I know you'd jump at
the chance, barney,

To give a favorable,
objective appraisal

To a man who's
treated you like his son

For all these many years.

Uh...

What exactly is it I'm
recommending you for?

No big deal, barney...

A little desk tucked away
in a corner someplace

In the
public-information office.

You're kidding.

No!

What do they call
it... Uh, media liaison

Or some crapola like
that, barney, that's all.

You know, I talk to the public
and meet with the press and...

Like, suppose some poor
slob of a cop, you know,

Gets his fingers
caught in the till,

Or maybe he's put a slug into
some innocent bystander, huh?

I go down and talk to reporters,

Give them a little
song and dance...

"Yes, we're looking
into this very carefully.

"We're conducting a
thorough investigation.

"In the meantime, why the
hell don't you just run along

And mind your own business?"

Something wrong, barn?

No, no, no, uh...

Well, I don't see you
writing anything down.

Uh, well, uh,
um... Uh, ha ha. I...

Barney, a ballpoint right here.

What're you up to?

Nothin'.

Waiting for the morgue to call.

Aren't we all?

Yeah.

I guess a detail
like this gets ya...

Gets you thinking about
when you're gonna die.

I wasn't.

I mean, life is...

Is really just marking
time till it's over.

Sitting around waiting
for something to happen.

Is mike douglas on tonight?

Who?

Excuse me. Is this homicide?

Uh, over there is.

This is homicide.

- May I help you?
- I may have one.

Well, uh, want to
have a seat, miss...

Mrs. Harriet shulton.

Shulton... Who's the
victim, mrs. Shulton?

My husband, david shulton.

When did it happen?

That's up to vincent.

Who's vincent?

The man I hired to k*ll david.

Barney!

Huh?

Miss shulton, you
put out a contract

On your husband's life?

Yes, but I want to cancel it.

I can do that, can't i?

I'm afraid the only calls
we make now are homicide.

Homicide?

- You're not serious.
- I'm afraid so.

But, captain, I've been
bringing my business here

For years. Couldn't
you make an exception

- For a regular customer?
- I'm afraid not.

I think the, uh, man from
glad has struck again.

They, uh, found another
body stuffed in the garbage bin

A couple of blocks from here.

Was it wearing a thin tie?