Yeah?
Jackie Clark's here to see you,
Mr. Conrad.
Send him right in.
Jackie, come in. It's good to see you.
I got a joke for you, Ben.
Oh, you shouldn't smoke these.
They're terrible for you.
Now, this guy from Buffalo,
he saves up his whole life
so he can take the missis to Hawaii.
They fly to Oahu.
They lie in the sun,
have some mai tais,
do the hula, grass skirts,
the whole thing.
Time of their lives.
Now, the next thing you know,
this guy takes a dip,
has a heart att*ck, and drowns.
Finished, kaput.
Now, the wife flies him back,
takes him to a funeral home.
The mortician dresses him up
in his finest blue suit.
Now, at the funeral,
the guy's best friend comes in,
takes a look at the open casket,
and goes over to pay his respects
to the missis.
He says, "Cecile, John looks terrific."
And she said, "He should.
He just got back from Hawaii."
- That's a new one.
- Why, of course it's new.
I'm always working new things
into the act.
Well, what's the scoop, Ben?
Any jobs?
Not yet, Jackie.
Well, of course, it helps
to have an agent booking this act
so we can try in
all this great new material.
I'm trying, Jackie.
I'm on the phone all day for you.
Yeah. I know that, Ben.
Have you called Vegas?
They're booked months ahead.
I headlined at the Sands.
Now I can't even get arrested there.
What about Atlantic City?
There's nothing right now, Jackie.
I'm sorry.
Who wants to go to New Jersey?
The weather's terrible.
What's the matter, Ben?
People don't wanna laugh anymore?
You gotta hang in there, Jackie.
Things will turn around.
Yeah?
A Mr. Jonathan Smith on line two,
Mr. Conrad.
Ben Conrad.
Of course he's still around.
He's standing right here in front of me.
Tell them I'm available.
Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
Yeah. I've got it.
Right.
I'll give him the information.
Thank you, Mr. Smith.
When you said
things would turn around,
you weren't kidding.
The guy who called
is a theatre director
named Jonathan Smith.
- Smith? Never heard of him.
- Anyway--
Ziegfeld, Minelli,
them I've worked with.
Jackie, will you listen to me
for a second?
He's very interested in seeing you
for the lead role
in a play he's directing
down at Center Stage.
A play?
- Oh, forget it.
- Why?
Well, I'm a comedian, Ben.
I'm not an actor.
Hey, George Burns was a comedian.
He won an Academy Award.
I cannot believe
you are directing a play.
I thought angels were people
who invested in plays,
not directed them.
Well, first time for everything, Mark.
What's the name of the play,
Heaven Can Wait?
That's cute.
- Miss Stevens?
- Yes?
- I'm Jonathan Smith.
- Oh, thank God you've arrived.
This is Mark Gordon,
my set and costume designer.
- Hi.
- How do you do?
- Why don't you have a seat?
- Thank you.
Jonathan, I'm desperate.
My last director got hired
to do a Broadway musical.
I don't have a cast.
And the theatre's in the red.
If this play isn't a hit,
I'm in big trouble.
Well, we've already got some actors
in mind.
I need somebody with box-office clout.
We've got to pull in an audience.
What about Rhett Clark?
Rhett Clark? The movie star?
The one who did
Poor Little Rich Kid?
That's the one. What do you think?
- Can you get him?
- All I can do is try.
If you could get Rhett Clark,
that would be incredible.
Tell her who you called
to play the father.
Oh, yeah, Jackie Clark.
Who's Jackie Clark?
Oh, he was a big name
before your time,
but he's also Rhett Clark's father.
Well, if you can get Rhett Clark,
I don't care who plays the father.
- Excuse me, waiter?
- Yes?
Rhett, you are the hottest young actor
in Hollywood.
Everybody wants to do a movie
with you.
Yeah, I know that, Gary, I know.
You keep telling me.
So, what's next?
Well, International Film Corp.
is waving big money in front of us.
They wanna sign you
to a exclusive three-picture deal,
and I think you should do it.
Yeah, yeah, okay, I'll think about it.
Excuse me.
- Rhett Clark?
- Yeah.
- Rhett, you know this guy?
- Never saw him before.
Yeah, well,
my name's Jonathan Smith.
I'm directing a play here
in Hollywood,
and I was hoping
you'd take a look at the script.
Excuse me,
Mr. Clark accepts script submissions
only through his agent.
Hey, you--
You're Gary Sherman, aren't you?
Yeah, that's right.
You're Rhett's agent, so why don't you
submit this to your client?
He's sitting at the table, next to you.
Look, old man,
I'm booked solid right now.
I don't have time to do a play. Sorry.
It would only take you a couple hours
to read.
- I think you might change your mind.
- Look, Rhett is extremely busy.
You'll have to excuse us.
I'm sorry for interrupting you,
but this happens to be a great part
for Rhett.
It's a play about a man and his son
who never got to know each other.
Look, Smith,
unknown hacks a day barge in here
trying to shove scripts at Rhett.
Now, we're not interested.
That's a shame.
I was hoping to get your father
to act in the play with you.
- My father?
- Rhett, we're talking a three-pic deal.
- You can't even consider doing a play.
- Hang on a minute, Gary.
Did my father say
that he was interested
in doing this play?
No, not yet, but I have a feeling
he would if you'd do it with him.
I'll take a look at it.
Okay.
I'll get back to you.
Rhett, are you crazy?
I've got a million-dollar deal
in the offering,
and you're thinking about doing
some play at a rinky-dink theatre?
Gary, this is my career.
I hire you to work for me.
You remember that.
Mr. Clark, if you have any questions,
you can reach me
at the Center Stage Theater.
The number's right there
on the script.
You have a nice lunch.
Rhett.
Oh, Rhett...
When I was a kid,
you were never home.
I was working. I had a family to feed.
You know, it would've been nice
to sit down to dinner
like a family once in a while.
Sure, it would've been nice.
But there wouldn't have been food
on the table
if I wasn't out there on the road,
working.
Sure you were.
- And what's that supposed to mean?
- It means you liked it on the road.
You liked being with your friends
more than you did your own family.
I did it because that's what I had to do,
and I did it the best way.
Thank you very much, gentlemen.
We'll be in touch
as soon as we make a decision.
That's it.
No more auditions for today.
How you doing?
- Hey, Rhett. Good to see you.
- Yeah.
Rhett, this is Margo Stevens,
artistic director of the theatre.
- It is a pleasure to meet you.
- Nice meeting you.
Get a chance to read the play?
Yeah, yeah, I did. It's great.
Reminds me a lot of me
and my old man.
Please tell me that you came here
to say that you'll do it.
Yeah, yeah, I'll do it.
- Only one thing.
- You name it.
I'm only gonna do the play
if my dad does it with me.
Well, I'm afraid your father
turned the role down today.
Well, that's before he knew
I was gonna be in it.
I don't understand
why you turned down the play.
You read it, you liked it.
- I can't do a play in this town, Ben.
- Why not?
"Why not?" he asks.
I do a play,
and it looks like I'm not working.
But you're not working.
Listen, Mr. Brilliant-Ben-
Who-Can't-Get-Me-a-Job.
Now, all of a sudden I show up
in a play
in some theatre that looks
like a condemned building,
and everybody in Hollywood's saying:
"Jackie Clark's career's in the gutter."
Now, will you forget it?
- Anything else, boys?
- Yeah, Julie.
Give my grandfather the cheque
and me your phone number.
You'll have to settle for the cheque.
- Jackie, it's work.
- Ben, I don't wanna work.
Why do you think
I became a comedian?
- Okay. Goodbye.
- No, no, give me that, give me that.
- Jackie, I'm paying the cheque.
- No, no, no, you don't.
No, no, we'll split the cheque in half.
You get the half with the amount due.
Jackie, you're nuts.
Crazy, bananas, nuts.
I never could do that trick.
The lobby's full of people.
We'll get a few more
and we'll play some cards.
Hi, Dad.
Will you look at this? Rhett.
Will you look at this?
A year I haven't seen him,
and he gives me a handshake.
Give me a kiss on the lips.
What's the matter?
You're embarrassed?
Rhett, you know Ben Conrad.
Of course he knows me.
How are you, Rhett?
How is he? Well, he's a star.
He takes after his old man.
I saw your last picture, Rhett.
You were terrific.
- Thanks, Ben.
- Oh, what's terrific?
That's not acting. The kid's a looker.
The camera loves a pretty face.
- Takes after his mother.
- Oh, come on, Dad.
I'd like you to meet two friends of mine,
Jonathan Smith and Mark Gordon.
Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Clark.
One of your biggest fans.
Jonathan Smith, the director?
Yeah, I'm afraid that's me.
I figured Mr. Clark could turn me
down on the phone,
but he wouldn't do it in person.
You all know each other?
Sure, I'm gonna be doing a play at
Center Stage with Jonathan and Mark.
- You, in a play?
- Yup. Figure it's time to branch out.
You know,
I've been doing movies for a while,
and I'd like to try some theatre.
You mean you and me
almost was in a play together?
Dad, we still can.
What do you say, Pop, huh?
It'll be a gas.
Yeah. Yeah, but I--
No, I can't.
No, I'm booked into a big club.
Well, couldn't you postpone
the club date?
It's not a problem, Jackie.
I can reschedule it.
Sure would be something,
two generations of the Clarks
on stage together at the same time.
Come on, Dad.
We're gonna knock them dead.
Well, I don't know.
This-- But this play is kind of serious.
There's not a lot of yuks.
Mr. Clark, if you can do comedy,
you can do anything.
You'd be great in it, believe me.
And the cheque's in the mail, huh?
Of course, how often
does a father and son get a chance
to work together in this business?
So then you'll do it?
I'll do it.
Listen, Dad, I gotta run right now,
but I'll see you tomorrow afternoon
at rehearsal, okay?
I'll see you.
Probably got a hot date.
How you feeling, Dad?
If I was feeling any good,
would I be in here?
Dad, that's not the line.
What Dad are you talking to?
The one in the play or the real one?
Both.
Are you trying to tell me
how to say my lines?
Jackie, Rhett's right.
The line's not in the play.
Well, of course it's not in the play.
I ad-libbed it.
- Well, you can't ad-lib in a play.
- Jackie Clark can't ad-lib?
I'm the greatest ad-lib guy
in the business.
You don't make it in comedy
if you don't ad-lib.
Dad, this isn't a comedy,
it's a drama.
Well, that's the problem.
It's not funny.
Look, Jackie, let's take it from the top
without the ad-libs, okay?
Okay. You're the director.
Hey, Mark.
When are we gonna
get the costumes?
I can't be dressed like this.
I mean, what if people should laugh?
God forbid people should chuckle.
Listen, Jackie,
we'll have the costumes today.
- Okay, Jackie, come in.
- Okay. Ready.
Did I ever tell you about my husband?
Gilbert was a very jealous man.
He was jealous of my looks.
He figured anybody
who looked like this
had to stay faithful.
That's funny.
Jackie, come on,
what are you doing?
What am I doing? Well, Aunt Jackie.
She's the most popular character
in my act.
We're not doing your act, Dad.
In case you haven't noticed,
we're doing a play here.
When people pay $
to see Jackie Clark,
they want Aunt Jackie.
Hey, will you get it
through your head?
They're paying to see somebody else
besides you up here.
Look, you wanna do it with a dress
and a wig, fine,
but I'm out of here.
Kid has no sense of humour.
He's always been like this.
Couldn't get his own way,
he storms out of the room.
Look, why don't we call it a day?
We'll pick up again tomorrow
when everybody's fresh, huh?
Okay.
- Hey, mind if we come in?
- You're in, aren't you?
Your father here is quite a character,
isn't he?
Yeah, he's a character, all right.
Never been much of a father,
but he's a character.
You know, when I was growing up,
we never had talks.
Dad just did his routines.
Mom and I watched.
If I had a problem,
I had to talk to Aunt Jackie,
never my father.
Come on, that's all in the past.
In the past?
He's pulling the same garbage.
Come on, man, you saw what he did.
You were there.
All right, I saw what he did.
Look, you're a successful actor now
yourself.
I think it's a little hard
for your father to take.
Why don't you relax a little?
Don't let him get to you so much.
He gets to me.
What can I say? He's a clown.
Don't you think
you're being hard on him?
Look, what are you in here
talking to me for?
- Why aren't you setting him straight?
- Hey, I intend to talk to him.
He's just a little nervous now,
that's all.
Try obnoxious.
Come on, this is the first dramatic play
your father's ever been in.
It's just gonna take him some time
to get into it.
By putting on a dress?
I'll take care of your dad,
I promise you.
Meanwhile,
I have to know I can count on you.
I got people lining up to see this play.
I want it to be a great one.
You know why people are lining up
to see this show?
To see me, Rhett Clark,
not some washed-up old comedian
who dresses up like a woman.
No business like show business.
Come on in.
Have a seat.
Can I get you some coffee,
Miss Stevens?
- No, thank you.
- Tea?
No, nothing.
I have herbal, mandarin orange,
cinnamon spice.
I'm fine.
What was it
you wanted to talk to me about?
Well, I understand that you're sold out
for the run of the show.
Yes, audiences are very interested
in seeing Rhett.
Sure they are. He's terrific.
And because it is Rhett
that's selling your tickets,
we've decided
we'd like to change the billing
on all the TV, the radio,
and the print ads, and on the marquee.
We want Rhett's name alone,
above the title.
Well, you were the one that insisted
on equal billing for your father.
It's not negotiable, Miss Stevens.
I'm sorry,
but if Rhett doesn't get top billing,
he'll have no recourse
but to leave the show.
There you go.
- Thank you, sir.
- You bet.
Jonathan, this is living.
- Oh, you like this, huh?
- Like it? Are you kidding?
What's not to like?
Got room service, maid service,
wake-up service.
I mean, this is service.
- What are we watching?
- It's Rhett.
Oh, Jonny, give me a break,
will you?
I mean, can't we watch somebody else
for a change?
Let me just watch this interview.
He's supposed to be on with Jackie.
They're gonna promote the play
a little bit.
I'm here with Rhett Clark,
one of the fastest rising stars
in Hollywood.
- Hi, Rhett.
- Hi, Katy.
Rhett, your last film
has been a tremendous success.
- Thank you.
- Now tell us about your next project.
Well, I'm gonna be doing a play
down at the Center Stage Theater.
It's called Final Passage.
That's great.
And you're playing the lead, correct?
That's right.
Now, I understand your father,
the comedian Jackie Clark,
is in the play too.
Yeah, my dad's in it with me.
Well, we're sorry that he couldn't
come with you on the show today.
Yeah, me too.
I asked him to come,
but he couldn't make it.
I see.
I thought Jackie
was supposed to be on the show.
He was.
Rhett lied.
He never told him about the interview.
What are you doing?
I'm putting up a sign.
What does it look like I'm doing?
I gave up Vegas
to be humiliated like this?
- What's the matter, Mr. Clark?
- What's the matter?
Somebody decided to put
my son's name above mine.
- That's what's the matter.
- Yes, I did.
- Without consulting me first?
- I'm afraid I hadn't much of a choice.
Rhett and his agent insisted
that he get top billing.
It wasn't negotiable.
If I didn't give it to him,
he threatened to leave the play.
Mr. Hotshot did this? My own son?
Well, fine. Let him have top billing.
Let him do the play by himself.
Hello.
Don't be taking this on any joy rides
to impress your girlfriend, okay, pal?
Yeah, I'll try
and fight off the temptation.
I'm telling you, Rhett,
you've got to work the room.
Work the room.
Everybody wants to do business
with us.
I don't wanna do any business today.
I wanna party.
Oh, come on, it's easy.
You smile, you say hello,
pretend you're listening
to everything they're saying,
and then you tell them,
"Talk to my agent."
Rhett?
I wanna talk to you for a minute alone
if you don't mind.
Jonathan, could we get back to you?
Gary, old buddy, why don't we
get a bite to eat together, huh?
Why don't we go outside,
where we can talk?
Okay, Smith,
what do you wanna talk about now?
What you were trying to prove
by putting your name over your father's
on the marquee.
- Wasn't my idea, it was my agent's.
- You expect me to believe that?
Gary works for you, remember?
I don't care whether you believe it
or not.
Look, I'm bigger box office
than he is, right?
My name deserves
to be above the titles.
Well, what about your father?
Doesn't he deserve respect?
Respect's a two-way street.
Where's mine from him?
Your father respects you.
Get off it.
I get letters a day from my fan club.
I hear from him maybe once a year.
And how many times
do you go to see him a year?
Come on, how many times
do you go see him?
He told me
the only time he gets to see you
is when you have a film open,
and then he pays his money
to see you.
- Okay, so I'm busy.
- Oh, I thought it was a two-way street.
Yeah, well,
now he's gonna respect me
because I got my name
up in lights over his.
Do you really believe
having your name in bright lights
is what makes people respect you?
That's the name of the game
in this business.
We're not talking about business,
we're talking about your father.
Well, now he'll respect me
because I'm more successful
than he is,
and he can't stand it.
What is all this to you, anyway, huh?
Your father won't do the play
unless he gets equal billing,
and I don't blame him.
So? He'll go do his dumb act in Vegas.
No great loss.
You really don't know him, do you?
I know him inside and out.
Oh, no, you don't.
If you did,
you'd know there is no Las Vegas,
there is no Atlantic City,
there are no club dates.
Your father hasn't had a job offer
in over six months.
What?
This play is the first work that he's had
in half a year.
A chance for him
to do what he loves the most:
be back on the stage again.
Now, don't take that away from him.
What are you doing out here?
Come on, Syd Ross has a deal
you won't believe.
Hey, I am talking Syd Ross.
Come on, Rhett.
Hi, Dad.
Aren't you too important
to be talking to me?
Listen,
I heard about the club dates
in Vegas.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, what about them?
You know what I'm talking about.
Who told you? Ben?
- No, Dad, Ben didn't tell me.
- Who?
It doesn't matter who told me.
You should have told me.
- You never asked.
- I asked, Dad.
Every time I ask,
you say everything's great.
You came in here for the corned beef
or to argue?
Mr. Clark, I think there's been
a little misunderstanding.
I'm the one responsible
for Rhett's getting top billing.
Rhett had nothing to do with it.
- Is that the truth?
- As God is my witness.
But I just wanna tell you
everything's cleared up now.
From now on, you and Rhett,
equal billing.
Now, if you came here to pity me,
forget it.
Come on, Dad.
It's over. It was a mistake.
Now, are we gonna
do this play together or not?
- I'll have to think about it.
- Dad.
Hey, you're a trouper, right?
You always told me,
"The show must go on."
Okay. Okay, I'll do it.
You look nervous.
This is the first assignment
I've gotten from the boss
that's being reviewed by the press.
Don't worry about it.
Jackie and Rhett will be fine.
I hope so.
Come on, let's get backstage.
- Places, Jackie.
- Yeah.
- How's the audience?
- You got a full house.
Last time I had a full house,
the guy sitting across from me
had a straight flush.
I lost everything.
I have a feeling
tonight's gonna be your night.
Yeah?
Well...
When I was a kid,
you were never home.
Well, I was working.
I had a family to feed.
What are you gonna say?
I never had dinner with you?
Well, it would've been nice,
you know,
if you came home to dinner
like a family once in a while.
Sure it would've been nice.
But there wouldn't have been food
on the table
if I hadn't been out on the road.
Who are you kidding?
- What is that supposed to mean?
- You liked being on the road.
You liked being with your friends
more than with your own family.
I did what I do best.
Now, I provided for you,
and all I get is abuse.
Yeah, well,
you never gave me credit for anything.
The only credit you know
comes from credit cards.
- You don't mind using them.
- I knew I shouldn't--
I should've never come here
to see you today.
That's not what they mean
by "break a leg," kid.
Oh, that's funny.
It's the only funny thing so far tonight.
Did you look at that audience?
They were coughing, sleeping
and leaving.
- Not what I would call engrossed.
- Yeah, and whose fault is that?
Well, to be blunt, it's yours.
- What the hell are you talking about?
- All right, what's the matter?
He's dying on me out there
and blaming it on me.
Of course I'm dying.
That's the role I'm playing.
I'm on my deathbed.
Problem is, we're both dying,
and it's only Act .
Well, then yelling at each other
isn't gonna help matters any, is it?
He's right.
And I know audiences, Mr. Movie-Star.
We're losing them. We gotta pick it up.
Why don't you remember your lines?
It isn't easy
when I gotta say yours too.
- You're throwing me off.
- Me?
How many times
you been on stage counting tonight?
- What is it, once?
- You just can't admit it, can you?
- Admit what?
- Your timing's gone.
Admit it, you're washed up.
- Don't you ever say that to me again.
- You lost your stuff, Dad, face it.
Come on, Jackie, stop it.
You've hurt each other enough
in your lives. Isn't it time you stopped?
You're supposed to be professionals.
There's an audience out there
that paid good money to see the show.
Jonathan's right.
The show must go on.
I am so sick of that line.
I remember
being in the high school play
while you were on the road
doing your act,
and you never showed up,
because the show had to go on.
In the hospital,
getting my appendix out,
never saw you.
The show had to go on.
That's all that ever mattered to you,
doing your dumb act
in your dumb dress.
I embarrass him.
Come on, he's just upset
because the play's not going well.
- He'll get over it.
- No.
I saw it in his eyes.
I embarrass him.
I always embarrassed him.
Maybe he's right.
Maybe I am all washed up.
- Margo, darling, how are you?
- Hello, Katy.
Enjoying the show?
That Rhett Clark's a handsome boy,
isn't it?
Oh, isn't he
a good-looking young man?
What do you think of the play?
I wish you hadn't asked.
If it doesn't pick up in Act ,
I'm not recommending it.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah, that's fine.
Any progress?
Jackie's still really down on himself.
Jonathan's with him right now.
Mark, intermission's almost over.
Are they doing Act ?
Let's give Jonathan
a couple more minutes, okay?
You know, I just figured it out.
- My own son set me up.
- What do you mean, he set you up?
He set me up.
He exposed me to public ridicule.
And how did he do that?
He wanted me to do this play
because he knew
I've seen better days.
He knew I'd make a fool out of myself
in front of that audience tonight.
You know, blaming Rhett
isn't gonna help you any.
I embarrass him, Jonathan.
He thinks I'm a silly old clown.
All his life he's thought that.
Now tonight he's getting back at me.
You believe what he said tonight,
don't you?
About you being washed up.
Well, it happens to the best,
Jonathan.
A few stay up all their lives,
but, well, that's Newton's law.
What goes up
doesn't necessarily stay up.
So, what are you gonna do, give up?
You've had bad nights before.
Never as bad as this.
August rd, ,
the Friars Club in New York City,
you were going right in the toilet.
How do you know about that?
I told you, I've been
following your career for years.
Was I bad that night?
But you pulled it out.
That's the night you introduced
Aunt Jackie to the audience.
Yeah, the audience went bananas.
No, but this is different.
Half the audience is already gone.
The critics are gonna crucify me.
Tomorrow the world will know
that Jackie Clark's a flop.
Will you stop it?
You know, for your information,
the world wants to give Jackie Clark
every chance to succeed.
It's Jackie Clark
who won't give himself a chance.
Is there gonna be an Act ?
If not, I have to go out
and make an announcement.
What do you say, Jackie?
I never missed a performance
in my life.
I'm not about to start now.
--coming here to see you tomorrow,
Dad.
I'm going home.
Okay.
Well, I was hoping maybe you and me
could talk before I go.
Fine.
But don't talk too loud,
or I won't be able to hear the TV.
This food is terrible.
Who caters this, the Salvation Army?
I don't know.
Look. Look at this apple.
There's a worm in here,
and he's wearing a surgical mask.
Dad, what the hell
are you trying to do?
I'll tell you what I'm not doing.
I am not eating this food.
Seventeen hundred dollars a day
they charge me.
Two hundred dollars a day
for food I don't get that I can't eat.
But hospitals, they're smart.
Oh, they know how
to do repeat business.
They fix you up, then give you the bill,
which gives you another heart att*ck.
- Jonathan, that's not in the play.
- Yeah, I know.
I've heard of diets before,
but this is ridiculous.
The Scarsdale Diet, the no-diet diet.
Mine is the no-food diet.
The only other person I know
who's on this diet besides me
was Mahatma Gandhi.
All I eat are pills.
Yes, doctor gives me these pills.
These are for my heart.
Nitro-glycerine. Smart.
If I go over a bump
after I take one of these,
I blow up.
No, Dad, you can't-
Dad, don't do this.
- You can't do this, Dad.
- Oh, yes, I can.
When I came into this hospital,
they said I might die.
They didn't say of starvation.
Well, I'm dying, all right.
I'm dying to get out.
Dad, you can't do this.
I'm not letting you get away with this.
Try and stop me.
I'm going for a corned-beef sandwich.
- Dad, are you crazy?
- Oh, that's a good idea.
If I get caught,
I'll say I'm from the Psychiatric Ward.
Will you just stop cracking jokes?
For once in your life,
will you just be yourself?
Well, this is me, son.
This is your father.
You're not my father.
- You're a clown.
- Yes.
I am.
Some people,
God put on this Earth to be doctors.
Others, lawyers.
The man upstairs
took one look at this kisser of mine,
and he broke up laughing.
He said, "Clark,
you're a clown."
Is it wrong to make people laugh?
They laughed.
They made fun of me.
All the kids at school laughed at you.
Yeah, but they laughed.
That's what counts.
You know,
I always thought it was the parents
who couldn't accept the children,
but not with you.
Oh, no, not with you, my boy.
It's the other way around.
Why can't you accept me
for the way I am?
Because...
Because what?
Because you were never home.
I know.
All I wanted, Dad,
was to have a regular father,
like all the other kids had.
I know.
They went to work at ,
came home at , and wore pants,
unlike your old man,
who went to work in January,
came home in June,
and wore dresses.
Don't you understand?
I--I missed you.
What? And I didn't miss you?
Why, every time I left home,
I felt awful.
I said-- I figured,
"Don't let the boy see you sad, Jackie.
Put on a happy face in this life.
The world's sad enough as it is."
I wanted to be like other fathers.
I couldn't help it.
I was just funnier.
Why are you crying?
I don't--I don't know.
Yes, you do.
You're crying
because now we can be together,
and we don't know how.
But we can try.
We can start all over like we first met.
You wanna try?
Yeah.
Okay.
Give me a kiss on the lips.
Dad, come on.
Are you embarrassed of me,
your own mother?
No, but there's people here.
Oh, to hell with them.
Show them you're not embarrassed.
Charlie, the curtain.
I gotta hand it to you,
you really saved the show.
You were cooking
at the end there yourself.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Well, do we take this show
on the road together or what?
Yeah, sure, sounds like fun.
But no dress.
What do you mean, "no dress"?
I mean, Dad,
the dress isn't negotiable.
Are you kidding?
The whole act's the dress.
They loved the dress.
Okay, the dress stays.