02x03 - Crazy-May

[bunniefuu]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[MAISY] That's good. So good.

Maizers? You okay?

I just finished Mom's "f*ck-it" list.

She wants to spend her
last summer here with me?

f*ck it. I'm gonna make her do

all the boring cottage stuff
she hated here growing up.

Your plan is to bore her?

Yeah. It'll either force
her to confess her diagnosis

or hop on the next flight to Madrid.

I'm starting with the Boathouse's

Annual General Meeting at Jayne's.

Dad used to make us go every summer

and it drove Mom bananas.

Derrick used to make you go to AGMs?

You don't just become Boathouse
president. You're groomed.

I was framed!

My fireworks should be in
this box, but they're gone.

They set fire to the Boathouse.
That's how combustion works.

Not today, science.

They're gone because
someone took them out

and started the fire

after I took them safely outside
the Boathouse. Do you see?

The box has been opened
and it's not even singed.

There's an arsonist among us.

Who would set fire to the Boathouse?

Believe the victim, Maisy.

Not how that's used.

Look, I need your help.

I need your help to unmask the arsonist,

redeem my good name and
win back the man I love.

[VICTOR] Go to bed, Justin.

Okay, but I'm the big spoon.

Maisy's big spoon.

Can we just send him to Madrid?

They won't let him back in.

The paella was laced.

[REAVEN: "ELECTRIC LOVE"]

♪ Baby I don't know... ♪

Hi. Riley, we're having a
conversation as two people do.

I, uh, I need to tell you,

I didn't burn down the
Boathouse. I was framed.

Like people frame people.

Oh my God, I sound crazy. This
is crazy. I'm a crazy person.

Because he's not gonna believe you.

- Forgivesies?
- [DOOR SLAMS]

[BILLIE] My dad's gonna
call because I told him,

you and Riley made up
and I'm staying with you

giving nature tours with
Parks Canada all summer

because my mom will freak
if she knows that I blew off

the internship to plant
trees. So back me up

and do whatever it takes
to fix things with Riley

or my parents will
never forgive me. Okay?

And the cherry on my anxiety sundae.

Just be yourself. But do the opposite

of every instinct you ever have.

Okay, gotta run. Love you. Bye.

My God, I see more of
me in her every day.

[WOOD CHOPPING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

I come in peace...

or pieces.

You see this?

[RILEY] Top wedding fail.

Thanks to you, I'm a f*cking meme.

[WOOD CHOPPING]

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You didn't deserve any of this.

[EMOTIONAL MUSIC]

How's the patient feeling?

Don't get your hopes up.
Miles away from last rites.

I have all your favourites here.

Cacao, chia pudding,

mushroom tea, and a triple-triple.

Oh... No arsenic?

No, I'm saving that for lunch.

No, no.

I do not wanna waste any more time

being mad about the past.

Oh, sweetie, that's wonderful to hear.

So I made a list.

Oh, of course, you did.
It's very Virgo of you.

Of all our favourite cottage things

to do together before you, you know.

Walk into the light

in a blaze of Quaaludes
and an ' Clicquot?

The... the Boathouse's AGM at Jayne's

is the perfect place to start.

We really need to figure out

what we're doing with that Boathouse.

Oh, I remember those.

Flights to Singapore were shorter.

Should only take four,
five, maybe six hours.

You cannot put a clock on democracy.

Will there be cocktails?

[FORESTER: "UNDERCOVER"]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[WOMAN] Be right there!

[IVY] Hey! You found me. I was
gonna call search and rescue.

Brought my own flares this time.

Cute outfit. The bugs are gonna love it.

Oh, I doubt that because
I came prepared this time.

Point Thunberg.

So is there somewhere
private that I can change?

Uh...

- Is there somewhere else?
- Uh, Urban Outfitters?

Point Ivy. [LAUGHS]

There's not much privacy in the bush.

- Hope you're cool with it.
- Yeah, totally cool.

Okay. We're talking a lot of body hair.

Like a lot. Not that there's
anything wrong with body hair.

We are very body positive around here.

- Too positive.
- [KRUSTY JAKE] Hey.

Oh, Jesus, Krusty Jake.
Please fix your sarong.

[KRUSTY JAKE] Sorry.

[BILLIE] So what do you think?

I think...

Girl Guides didn't prepare you for this.

[IVY] All right, people.
Let's dig some holes.

Let's plant some trees.

[MAN] All right.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[EXHALES]

This must be the longest
you've gone without talking.

Well, Billie said to do the opposite

of every instinct I have, so.

- You're dying inside?
- It's unbearable. Yeah.

Are you sure you're okay with her

staying for the summer?

Been nice having her around, actually.

We went shopping yesterday for her gear.

You guys went shopping without me?

Just boots and bugs stuff.

Like cute boots and bug stuff?

Why the face?

Billie stayed like you wanted.

Yeah, I mean, she's staying with you.

I wanted her to stay with me.

That's on you.

Ah, man. Riley, I...

I don't know why I ran,

but I know it's not why
the Boathouse b*rned down.

I think that someone stole my fireworks

and started the fire
and I can't prove it.

But I was thinking maybe
with your RKI smarts,

and my good looks,

we can get in there and cr*ck the case.

God, your life should be
a f*cking Bravo series.

You know, that's so weird.

I was just saying that
to Billie the other day.

Oh, that's not a compliment.

He has a baby in high school.

Gives it up, comes out, gets kicked out,

moves across the planet,
dates a Hemsworth.

From Coff's Harbour.

[RILEY] Gets divorced, comes home,

defeats evil stepsister,

and makes up with his kid.

Redneck Riley was never
gonna be good enough

for the Justin show.

That's not true. It sounds like a hit.

[RILEY] I tried it your way.

Spontaneous proposal, shotgun wedding.

But being meme-ed by a
bunch of side characters...

that's probably what I deserved.

[JUSTIN] That's not true.
Riley, that's not true.

Riley! Riley!

Riley, your...

[PEPPY SYNTH MUSIC]

[BILLIE] Okay...

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Okay.

Good stuff.

Good stuff.

Oh, my God.

[FORREST] Hey, Kombuch!

How you holding up?

Good, thanks.

And, uh, thank you for
setting things up with Ivy.

Oh yeah. Yeah. I'm happy to.

- Thirsty?
- What? No.

Oh yeah, totally.

[MOTOR ENGINE ROARS]

Care for some highballer wisdom?

What?

When you pound a lot of
trees, you're a highballer.

When you do whatever that is...

- Lowballer. Got it.
- Yeah.

It's okay. Couldn't plant
for sh*t my first season.

How many summers did you plant?

Two now.

Got my first job last
year of high school.

Let me show you a proper pounding.

[WRABEL: "MAGIC"]

♪ Better love me with the lights on ♪

[FORREST] So, first...

♪ 'Cause I wanna see what you're doin' ♪

♪ If I didn't see what you're doin' ♪

you use your cream spoon, right?

You dig out your piece.

Align your sapling with the root,

and you grip the trunk firmly,

cut the bottom,

plug the hole.

Perfect pounding.

♪ In magic ♪

Praise Treezus.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

["MONEY CITY MANIACS" BY SLOAN]

♪ All you've found... ♪

- Hey!
- God, this is a crazy turnout for an AGM.

Yeah, well, AGM's on hold

until we can get another lifeguard.

'Cause the girls won't
work the nude beach

- so Jaynie's covering it.
- Yeah.

Have you seen the Quads?
Because I really got talk to...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Cowering Inferno.
- Hey!

You listen here, all right?

This is Jaynie's first presidency

and this Boathouse is gonna be the tits.

So I can't be working
canteen, snack bar,

rentals and putting out your fires.

I not... I didn't start the fire.

Wayne, stop this. There's an arson...

You're outta here. Sorry, bud.

[MIMSY] Wow! AGMs have really changed

since Derrick was president.
This is gonna be fun.

We can't discuss the Boathouse
resale at a frat house kegger.

Well, thank God for that.

Talking shop really
dulls the barbiturates.

We don't drink at AGMs
anymore. Maisy's bylaw.

That's how Ulrika got her nude beach.

♪ Hey you ♪

Regime changes are hard.

Marie Antoinette lost her head,

but she would've lost her
mind sending email reminders

for the First Republic.

But you would've done very well, Mother.

[CHUMBAWAMBA: "TUBTHUMPING"]

♪ We'll be singing ♪

♪ When we're winning ♪

♪ We'll be singing ♪

[JAYNE] Careful, you two.
Don't make me save you.

Watch out for that glass on the beach.

That bum needs more SPF.

[MAISY] Jayne, how are we
gonna have an AGM in this?

Get it under control.

Under your control.

I told you that I would
bring fun back to the lake.

Fun, this is Maisy. Maisy, this is fun.

I know fun. I put the F-U in fun.

The Boathouse is for
families, not sad swingers.

[MIMSY] Sorry, Janine,
my daughter's rigid.

It's her Capricorn moon. Negroni?

Ah, no.

Somehow Maisy picked
up the most boring parts

of my late husband when
he took her under his wing.

[LAUGHS] OMJeepies, you're so right!

Remember how Derrick got
so Shrek when he was Prez?

- [LAUGHS]
- He was not. Dad was...

As stale as your biscuits.

My biscuits have been
featured in Canadian Living.

- Twice.
- I have copies.

Well, I think your Boathouse

is a big improvement on the original.

Even if the Hall
Monitor doesn't think so.

- Come on.
- Oh, I shouldn't.

[DOM VALLIE: "SHAKE (VALLIEFUNK)"]

♪ I'm lethal ♪
♪ Better put me down ♪

♪ For a flip another pound ♪
♪ For a I take another bitch ♪

- Hi, girls.
- [JERI] Stalk much?

Why aren't you answering my DMs?

[JERI] Are you verified?

I'm gonna pretend like that didn't hurt

and that your approval
means nothing to me.

Hey, I need any photos or videos

that you guys took of my wedding.

They're already posted, pyro.

Well, do you have any unposted
or maybe some... some deleted?

- They're in photo heaven.
- It's called the Cloud, Keri.

Clouds are in heaven.

[JUSTIN] You guys, I'll
take anything that you got.

There might be something on there

that could help me
fix things with Riley.

And I know you wanna see
us get back together, right?

No, we just wanna see Riley's OnlyFans.

Yeah, that would be kinda hot.

No, wait, just be an ally
here, would you? Come on.

[TERI] Well, then can you
end Mom's oldstravaganza?

Or wormhole us to Tulum?

- Yeah.
- [CAMERA SHUTTERS]

What if I could bring it here?

Find you some cute F boys.

- What?
- Don't go anywhere.

[KERI] Where's he gonna find that?

[FLIES BUZZING]

[FORREST] It's a thunderbox.

Portable toilet.

Dig a hole. Pop on top.

- Make your drop.
- Oh, I...

I think I can hold it.

You drank four canteens.

Yep. Nope. I'm gonna hold it.

No, no, no, no. Sorry, man. [FARTS]

Oh, my God.

Oh, sorry. Are you guys in line?

- Mm-mm.
- Okay.

He'll be done in a sec.

[KRUSTY JAKE GROANS, FARTS]

[PHONE RINGING]

[JUSTIN] Quid fro-yo, Billie Barnes.

I lied to your parents. So
if you want me to make things

right with Riley, then
I need you to send

some gaggy
tree-planter-fireman-calendar-types

over to Jayne's stat.

Hard pass on body musk
and white guys with dreads.

[GROANS] Come on.

I'll be there in .

- I...
- [CALL ENDED BEEP]

Wow! I'm good at this.

[WAYNE] Justin! I
know you're still here.

sh*t!

[SHEEPDOGS: "I DON'T KNOW"]

- This is all falling apart.
- I know.

The AGM was supposed to
bore my mom into leaving.

How is this happening?

I won three championships,

but now I'm mixing drinks for Wayne?

And my mom is getting along with Jayne?

- Jayne can be fun.
- [MAISY] Fun?

In a Jell-o sh*ts kinda way.

- I'm fun.
- I know.

But your mom loves an audience.

And Jayne plays a great second fiddle.

I did it one time.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Well, if we can't bore her into leaving,

we can send her packing by stealing

the one thing she wants most.

- Opal's kidneys.
- The spotlight.

Oh.

There's only one person I can ask.

Crazy-May.

Bitch better buckle up

because fun's a'comin'.

What if Opal sees? If he sees...

Tell him Mommy loves him.

And then get him the hell out of here.

Let's Jekyll and Hyde this sh*t.

[HALO SOL: "LO QUE QUIERES"]

[JUSTIN] Would you guys
just answer my texts?

How is the foot box talking?

Stay! Dad's still looking for you.

[JUSTIN] Okay. But Billie's here.

And she brought a DJ for each of you.

- I'm taking that one.
- No, I want that one.

All right, now deal's a
deal. Gimme the footage.

Yep, let's go.

- [PHONE CHIMES]
- Yes!

Oh, hey, Olive. Billie
brought a boy for you too.

Oh, I'm sapiosexual.

Oh, we all are, sweetheart.

[KERI] Until they won't shut
up about vinyl or Foucault.

She's getting smarter.

Uh-uh. You need life jackets.

Oh, come on. Don't you
have a basement for that?

- Ulrika!
- [ULRIKA] Uh-huh? Yes?

Think of the children.

That would be weird, no?

The nude beach is supposed
to be on Wayne's half.

Oh.

- [WAYNE] Hey.
- [ULRIKA] What?

I know you told me to stay on
my side of the Boathouse but...

we're outta snacks, beer, propane...

and coasters.

You can't get water rings
outta my coffee table, Wayne.

They say that you can, but you can't.

Okay. And don't freak out...

but I think I may have heard
Justin's voice somewhere.

It's all going to dumpers.

My first day as president.

Okay.

I'll send Victor on a coaster run.

Opal's helping out in the
kitchen, doing the best he can.

And the girls are still
looking for Justin. Okay?

We'll make it work, Jaynie.

It's gonna be the best Boathouse ever.

[MAISY] Woo-hooo!

[BIF NAKED: "I LOVE MYSELF TODAY"]

[WOMAN] Yes, girl!

[MAISY] Party's here, b*tches.

[CHEERING]

♪ Well look at you
you're all puffed up ♪

♪ In that big red truck but
you're outta luck (this time) ♪

♪ Well, that's tough ♪

- It's...
- Crazy-May.

We have to go.

But it's the best I can do. [GASPS]

Orpheus Protocol like we practiced.

Number one rule?

Whatever happens,
don't look at Crazy-May.

♪ But I'm a fool who's off her rocker ♪

♪ Cause I let you in my
heart that one last time ♪

♪ I've had enough, made up my mind ♪

Oh my God!

♪ I'm gonna get up and out and wild ♪

Dad, I'm scared.

♪ Not like yesterday... ♪

Woo-hoo!

♪ I'm gonna be okay! Uh huh ♪

♪ I love myself today ♪

♪ Not like yesterday ♪

♪ Take another look at me now ♪

- [WOMAN] She's out of control.
- [MAN] Wasn't this an AGM?

♪ Cause it's your last look ♪

Yeah. Bring it, Saggy Balls!

I pound beers for breakfast!

Yes!

You two, move!

[WAYNE] Justin! Get back here, Lovejoy!

[MAISY] Don't mind if I do!

[OPAL] My blindfold is slipping!

[VICTOR] I'm putting
you down. Don't look.

♪ ... Not like yesterday ♪
♪ I'm cool, I'm calm ♪

♪ I'm gonna be okay! ♪

♪ I love myself today ♪

♪ Not like yesterday ♪

Coming in hot. Coming in hot.

♪ Take another look at me now ♪

♪ Cause it's your last look ♪

You wanna piece, booster seat? Huh?

- Huh?
- Mommy.

[VICTOR] Come on.

That's how you cottage, b*tches.

She didn't come with me.

Oh! Drink! Oh! Drink!

- [KNOCK ON THE DOOR]
- [BILLIE] Hurry up.

It's an emergency!

Oh, thank God.

- Is Wayne out there?
- No, gone.

Coaster emergency in the living room.

- [DOOR SLAMS SHUT]
- Okay.

Well, as much as I love
a potty party, I'm...

Wait, wait. Stay.
Please. [STOMACH GROWLS]

Ooh.

What's Riley feeding you?

I've been holding it all day

because tree planters do
their business on boxes

- in front of everyone.
- [GASPS]

Justin, there was this guy, pushing.

The sounds, the veins in his neck.

Oh, my baby. It's okay.
It's okay. It's over now.

No, you don't understand.
I have to learn how to go

in public or I'll never
survive the summer.

Or a bachelorette.

I'm gonna be right behind that curtain.

[BILLIE] Just don't look.

Or listen. Or breathe.

Okay.

- Oh, and turn on the water.
- [JUSTIN] Already on it.

- [TAP SQUEAKS, WATER RUNNING]
- Oh, God.

Okay, Billie. You can do this.

Oh my God. Come on.

You can go in front of your birth dad.

[SIGHS]

[VOLAC AND STACE CADET: "SUPER CUTE"]

The Boathouse is closed!

Party's over.

Get outta my house!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug! [LAUGHS]

That means you too, Maisy.

[MAISY] You can't kick
me outta the Boathouse.

I made the Boathouse.
I am the Boathouse. Oh.

See, this is why I hid all
the birthday invitations

that came for her 'cause
she can't handle the sugar.

I can handle it till sunrise.

You'll puke.

More room for the next round.

[MIMSY] Okay, Drunksy. I
think it's time to go home.

Where's Victor?

He ran like a weak ass bitch.

[WAYNE] Justin can take
her home. [CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, you pissed yourself, Justine?

No. And thanks to me, Billie
will never have to either.

Wait, that sounds weird. No, I... she...

she gets bladder block in public.

Yeah. Not getting better, bud.

Can you just take your sister home?

- She's not my sister.
- I'm not his sister.

- [MIMSY SIGHS]
- Ugh.

All right, let's go.

Oh. Oh, no, this ain't over.

I'll be back on the board
as soon as my mom kicks it.

And my AGM's gonna kick your AGM's ass.

[JUSTIN] Settle down, child. God!

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

We can't host the Boathouse
at our cottage anymore.

You said our cottage.

[BILLIE] I'm sorry I pimped
you out to the Barbie brigade

so I didn't have to thunderbox.

No, it's cool. The normal one

hid me until you finished your business.

Oh yeah. Olive's cool, huh?

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Hey, what's the rush?

Oh, well, Ivy already
thinks I can't cut it.

And that was the longest break
in the history of breaks, so.

Okay. Don't sweat it.

Me and Ivy, we go way back.

I could put in a good word.

Wow. I mean, that would
be, like, super cool of you.

So when you say you go way
back, do you mean like...

- this?
- No, gross.

Uh, Ivy's my sister.

- Is that weird?
- Nope. No. Not weird.

Not weird at all.

Okay.

We should go. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, my God.

[MAISY] I need one more drink.

- One more drink.
- [JUSTIN] No, no.

You need a egg and cheese.
And you need a stomach pump.

- Watch your step.
- Ugh! Just put DUI

to bed with a bucket

and she won't remember
anything in the morning.

I totally broke that
kid's nose in Spike Ball.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Not for you, boo.
- What?

Fine. Fine. It's fine. I'll stop
co-sleeping with you and Victor.

I can... I can stay.

I can only handle one
wildfire at the cottage

and after what Opal saw today,

I don't think he's
gonna let me stay here.

Somewhere on this phone is
proof that I'm an innocent man.

That you would all be bar-b-que flambé

if I hadn't run for the hills. Stop!

I'm a hero.

And you're gonna feel
so bad if you kick me out

when I'm the only
reason that you're alive.

Sweet dreams, Justine.

Wait. No. Come back. Don't...

I don't have any place else to go.

Come on.

I'm an inside cat.

[WATER FLOWING, BIRDS CHIRPING]

[KERI] Best wedding ever! [LAUGHS]

Come, come. Hey!

[JUSTIN] Riley?

What?

Hey!

Hey!

[JUSTIN] Why?

[COVEX MOONZZ: "YOUNGER"]

♪ Yeah we were younger
then and I can't pretend ♪

♪ That I don't miss how it
all just felt brand new ♪

♪ I feel younger with you ♪

♪ Younger, younger ♪

♪ I feel younger with you ♪

♪ Younger, younger ♪

♪ It felt brand new ♪

♪ Younger, younger ♪

♪ I feel younger with you ♪

♪ I feel younger with you ♪

♪ I don't know how we got so far from ♪

♪ All the ways that it once was ♪

♪ But I love when you
say that it feels good ♪

♪ To come back here, because it does ♪

♪ Looking at you
through that rear view ♪

♪ It's been so long ♪