02x04 - Wet Cup American Summer

[bunniefuu]

[WAVES LAPPING]

[KERI] Best wedding ever!

[YAWNING]

[YAWNING]

How's it feel waking up
in a cockpit, eh, Iceman?

It's, uh, not the bathhouse
fantasy you'd think, Wayne.

But thank you for letting me crash here.

I really... I couldn't take
any more camping in the rain.

Michelada? Huh?

Ah... [CHUCKLES]

How did we end up here, eh, J-dawg?

You, homeless and lonely.

Me, the roguish captain
of the Mansplane,

just pining after his lost love.

Wayner...

Did you ever have a question

that you were really
afraid to ask Jayne?

I was always afraid to
ask Jaynie questions.

Questions lead to answers,
and answers, they can be scary.

That's just not quite
what I meant, but...

I found this amazing new guide to life.

"Seaplane Owner's Manual".

That's an instruction manual, buddy.

Bingo, brother. That's right.

Relationships are just
like flying a plane.

Found out I've been on
autopilot my whole marriage.

If I want to get it back on track,

I gotta take controls myself...

... [GRUNTS] wait for Jaynie's signal.

But what if Jayne did something bad?

Like, I'm talking
something real bad, Wayne.

Like... like criminal bad.

It's all about perspective, right?

For instance, people
used to think that mixing

tomato juice and beer was a bad idea.

Not Mexicans, uh-uh. And thanks to them,

we now enjoy a delicious
breakfast beverage.

Yeah, that's true.

Or bicycles in the water.

Nope, that's a bad idea.

Jaynie is living proof that a body built

by Aqua Spin, never a
bad idea. She's a rocket.

Yeah, I did see her bikes

all stacked up over there this morning.

Yeah, she's logging some
hours for her Level Two,

so she's offering a freebie today.

Whole lake's invited.

Oh.

If I help Jaynie level up,

pretty sure we can get our
marriage back on the level.

[SIGHS]

Hey, % of crashes are
communication failure.

Gotta listen to your co-pilot.

God, Wayne. That's
actually really smart.

I just got to get
Riley's side of the story.

Hey, let me get you some breakfast.

I got a couple of egg
sandwiches in the glove box.

[FRANCESA BLANCHARD: "LOON SONG"]

♪ ... On the other side ♪

[WAYNE] Aw, they've gone bad.

♪ Can you feel it? ♪

♪ It goes something like
"You've only got one life" ♪

Wait, wait, wait, I
wouldn't go over there.

Ivy's super pissed.

You planted Dogwood instead of Spruce.

How am I supposed to tell them apart?

By its bark?

Yeah, your puns are
getting kind of tired.

You should really branch out.

Hey, um, any chance some friends and I

could swing by your place,
use your washing machine?

Don't you just wash in the lake?

Because we're cavemen?

No, it's just there's only
one laundromat in town,

and it kind of sucks spending

your entire day off
waiting for a machine.

Well, I only have the one washer,

and, you know, the dryer
takes forever, so...

Okay, we can make a day
of it. Bring beers, snacks.

Krusty Jake's got a projector.

It could be like a laundry party.

Oh, I would, but it's
not really my cottage.

It's probably cool if just you come.

- But any more, and...
- It's cool.

I can just do it in town.

- Sorry.
- No, no, no worries.

Catch you by the campfire later?

- Definitely.
- Cool.

Hey, this where we get our checks?

Cool. You know, I finally
feel like I'm starting to get

the hang of this thing.
That's it? What the f*ck?

No, I must have planted,
like, over trees yesterday.

Average is over , . It's
cents per tree planted,

minus camp cost, transpo.
So that's what's left.

Man, I did not ask the right
questions in my interview.

I have to send the numbers to
the bean counters each week.

And you're not making quota. So...

So you're going to fire me?

Is that internship still available?

Um, what is happening right now?

I told my mom to make her own
tapas for the board meeting.

It's a little something
else I've been working on.

I made an energy drink I want
to test out at Aqua Spin today.

Could be my second career game changer.

Oh, I'm off green
smoothies for the week.

Miguel has me on fruit and seeds.

But you know, I know people who can

test and market that for you.

But could they come up with
a great name like Lin-sterine?

- "Victor-E"?
- Damn, that's better. Wait.

"From the rink, to the tee,

feel the rush of Victor-E."

Are you still golfing with
Alec from Mohebbi Sports Labs?

Mmm, not much. That sweet little
gerbil man can barely break .

Set up a game. I need him to test

some samples from my mother.

You think Mimsy's on the juice?

I think if I can get her tested,

I can find out if she's really sick.

My f*ck-it list failed.

I need hard data to prove
that she's faking it.

Yeah, but how are you
going to get the DNA

hat-trick of saliva, blood AND urine?

Two down, one to go.

It's better if you don't ask.

So, I've got a few motivated
buyers for the Boathouse land.

It is prime beachfront, baby,
so it'll be a blood bath.

I love a blood bath.

The money from the sale is

the only way that we can rebuild.

We'll have to find a new plot.

- Something cute and cozy.
- You mean small.

Well, what choice do we have?

I can't keep running the
Boathouse out of my cottage

and none of you Lake Laugh
Lovers are stepping up.

But why rebuild?

Why not split the money
between Boathouse members?

I mean, think what you
can do with that cash.

A new boat, a new dock, a new wardrobe.

- [CLAIRE] I second that.
- [ULRIKA] Nej!

We need a Boathouse to set fair rules

and to protect the lake.

Well, who's going to protect us

from Whoreen's cardigan?

I say take the money and run.

It is all moot without quorum.

Well, Riley will be at Aqua Spin,

so I will get his vote there.

And I am counting on all
of you to be there, too.

Okay? Meeting adjourned.

- [GAVEL BANGS]
- [CHUCKLES]

Oh, I will see you at Aqua Spin.

- [ULRIKA] No.
- Somebody needs to tell Ulrika

she can't go strapless when she leeches.

That's not from leeches.
She's wet-cupping.

I don't even want to know what that is.

It's good for blood
flow, inflammation, detox.

You prick the skin before
applying the suction cups,

and the vacuum seal slurps up the blood.

We used to do it on Tequila
Tuesdays before a game.

There's my hat trick. [CHUCKLES]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

[DOOR OPENING DISTANTLY]

[QUIETLY] sh*t. sh*t.

sh*t.

Oh, f*ck no.

No, no.

Nope, can't make me go back in there.

- [GASPS]
- [SIGHS]

- Oh, thank God.
- Justin.

sh*t, I thought you were Riley.

Oh, man. You're not sniffing
his stuff again, are you?

It was one time, kink shamer.

Put that down. Come here.
I gotta show you something.

The Quads sh*t this

right before the fireworks
went off at the Boathouse.

Hey!

[JUSTIN] Look at that.

That's Riley's plaid shirt.

You think Riley b*rned
down the Boathouse?

Well, it's clearly this shirt.

Justin, it's clearly A shirt.

And when the evidence is that obvious,

it's never actually that person.

Did you learn nothing from Horatio Kane?

I'm more of a Mariska Hargitay
SVU kind of girl, actually.

But Riley and I never talk
crime franchises at home.

Okay, well, both always
rule out the other suspects

before taking someone in.

Oh, God, that just
seems like so much work.

Justin, you need to be
a million percent sure

it's Riley before you accuse
him, or you two are done-done.

Like, we may as well pack up and leave.

Which, honestly, may be
the best thing right now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Back up, Missy Marple.

Who's working another motive now?

I think I'm getting fired.

You're being paranoid.

You're the hardest worker that I know.

Yeah, and I made less than $

working hours a day for a week.

Wow, you did not ask the right
questions at your job interview.

I ruined my life for a cute boy. Again.

Hey...

That's the only reason
to ruin your life.

Plus, there's a solution:
make friends with your boss.

I've stayed in so many
jobs I was dangerously

unqualified for because
I'm super fun to be around.

- Did you sleep with the boss?
- No. Yes.

One time, kink shamer.

Wait, that's actually not a bad idea.

[JUSTIN] Oh.

Thanks, Justin.

Yeah, okay. You're welcome.

Wait, you're not gonna sleep
with your boss, are you?

♪

[MAISY] I've got a surprise for us.

- Oh, sweetie, honestly, I...
- I booked a spa day.

I know you prefer to manage your pain

- with holistic medicine.
- Or narcotics in a pinch.

So I booked us deep tissue massages.

- They'll be here in an hour.
- What a relief.

You know, you've been so desperate

for attention this week, I was actually

pricing flights to Lisbon
for a little me time.

You'd be so easy to like
if you didn't try so hard.

[SIGHS] Massage.

Hey, how's it hanging, boyos?

Lovejoy, what are you doing here?

Aw, you couldn't keep me away, Wayner.

Love water sports.

[CHUCKLES] Maureen, too.

Really strong stream, boy.

Also, I just...

I'm really having to build
back up my lung capacity

after inhaling so much smoke
at the wedding, you know?

You ran off before the
Boathouse caught fire.

Yes, I did. Yeah, but then the vaping,

oh, the vaping got out of control.

I think it was the stress
of being unjustly accused

and maintaining an innocent waistline.

But back on the patch, feeling good.

How are you guys doing?
How are your lungs?

How much smoke did you
inhale? Were you, like,

this close or this far
away from the Boathouse

- when it caught fire?
- I was keeping Opal away.

Between the hairspray and fabric glue,

kid was a fireball waiting to happen.

- Yeah, that tracks.
- Yeah.

I was hiding from Claire.

[WAYNE CLEARS THROAT]

I'm a bit of a snack ever
since I've become a bachelor

and, uh, pretty sure
Claire wanted a nibble.

- Okay.
- Oh, I told her no.

The only woman that I have
meaningless sex with is my wife.

I don't blame her, though.
Got the pheromones of a lynx.

All right, Body Breakers!
Aqua Spin starts in five.

- Justin?
- I know.

I know I wasn't invited, Jayne.

No, it's fine. Maisy and Mimsy bailed,

and I need students
for my hours to qualify.

Just stay away from Riley.

- [JUSTIN] Fine.
- Before we get started,

I'm testing out a new sports drink.

It's all natural, gluten
free, full of electrolytes.

Test it out.

Tell me your honest opinion.

Mm, I like it. Is it hemp?

With kelp. I call it Help.

And who doesn't need a little
of that from their friends?

Am I right? [CHUCKLES]

Yeah.

[JUSTIN] Jesus.

Wow! All right, you
d*ck holes, let's ride.

- Okay.
- All right.

[WAYNE] Let's go, Jaynie!

[JAYNE] Let's go, tadpoles!

[DISTANT SHOUTING]

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.

Okay.

You guys, I said a few
friends, not Party-gras.

I told you it was too many people.

Word got out about my laundry connect.

I could ask them to go.

- No. No, it's cool.
- You don't have to do this.

Laundry parties aren't a thing.

So let's make a new tradition, then.

Okay.

Sweet. Sweet.

Laundry's on, sluts.

- Oh...
- It's a tree planter thing.

It's just something we call each other.

Oh, okay. Cool.

Do you want some chips, you dirty slut?

It's just slut.

Right.

Ulrika just set up a
circus tent on the lawn.

She's self-licensed in Sweden.

Ulrika's our masseuse?

Not just massage, cupping.

Wet cupping. Cup of sugaring.

She did wonders for
Victor's nervous lactation.

[ULRIKA] Halla!

- Who is ready to sweat?
- Sweat?

No, we ordered the wet cupping package.

Sauna first. Relaxes the body,
brings blood to the surface.

[MIMSY] Oh, honey. A
sauna sounds nice, dear.

Maisy, you should come to.

[MIMSY] Oh, yes.

It would help with that water weight.

It's the salt in her diet.

Let's do this.

I think it's called genetics.

[YOUNG FRANCO FEAT. DENZEL
CURRY PELL: "FALLIN' APART"]

♪ Wine mixer, mix it up with my elixir ♪

♪ Overlookin' the ocean,
I'm hopin' I see flipper ♪

♪ Young Filipe movin' like... ♪

- Hey.
- About that record...

Whoa, haven't seen this side of you.

Well, it's not like
I have work tomorrow.

Actually, that's up to Ivy.

What? You're gonna fire her?

- It's not up to me.
- It's cool.

Even if I get sh*t-canned,
no hard feelings.

We keep it clean at laundry parties.

So...

How about a drink?

Since you're not on the clock anymore.

- Thanks, slut.
- Ah.

[CHUCKLING]

[MICHAEL SEMBELLO: "MANIAC"]

Welcome to the first Aqua
Spin class of this season.

I am Jayne and ready to bring the Payne.

Special shoutout to
Riley for sticking around,

even though a certain someone

is replacing some last minute wash-outs.

[JAYNE] All right.

Whoa. Let's do this. You're at one.

I want you to crank it to
two. And you're minnows.

You're minnows. You're minnows.
You're minnows. Now, three.

And tadpole, a tadpole, a tadpole.

Yo, girl. Hey, girl.

Hey. Hear you were hot
for Wayne at the wedding.

Yeah, sure. I wanted a
piece of that Klondike Bar.

He's fair game now.

But the sex-falcon turned me down.

How about you, Saggy B?

Where were you when the
Boathouse b*rned down?

I got a better question.

Why are these bikes in the water?

If you're thinking someone
b*rned down the Boathouse,

smart money's on Whoreen.

For God's sake, Claire.
She's been with your dad

for years. Maybe move on.

People like her stop at
nothing to get what they want.

[JAYNE] Move those tails, tadpoles!

I am here to put a
Presi-DENT in your waistline.

Oh, Jayne.

Whoa, that did not feel good.

Keep it up, Jaynie.

Doing great, Pancake.

Keep it up, bullfrogs.

I will be back in a jiff.

I'm gonna go see if she
needs any help, you guys.

I think she's had enough.

You are gonna love cupping.

Victor says it really makes
you feel like a new woman.

I'd feel like a richer
woman if the board

would split the money
from the Boathouse sale.

I don't understand the lake's
obsession with that place.

The Boathouse follows
in the ancient tradition

of Swedish mead halls.

A place for the village
to spread lewd gossip about

their neighbours over
unpasteurized beer.

There were also programs for families,

child care, elder care.

Honestly, it's been
so much more enjoyable

around the lake this summer

without the Boathouse policing us.

You need a firmer grip.

It takes a strong hand to make

cold blood rise to the surface.

[YELPS]

[JAMIROQUAI: "COSMIC GIRL"]

♪ 'Cause it was quarter past eleven ♪

♪ On a Saturday in ♪

♪ Right across from where I'm standing ♪

♪ On the dance floor she was landing ♪

♪ It was clear that she
was from another time ♪

♪ Like some baby Barbarella ♪

♪ With the stars as her umbrella ♪

♪ She asked me if I'd
like to magnetise ♪

♪ Do I have to go star-trekking ♪

♪ 'Cause it's you I should be checking ♪

♪ So she laser beamed me
with her cosmic eyes ♪

♪ She's just a cosmic girl ♪

♪ From another galaxy ♪

- [JAYNE RETCHING]
- [JUSTIN] Let it all out.

Let all your secrets out.

That's right, Jayne.

You spent years in Maisy's shadow,

lusting after that Boathouse throne.

And then first, you got rid of
Wayne, then Maisy, then Ulrika.

Yeah, but you didn't count on
the insurance not paying out

or having to host the
Boathouse at your place.

But it was a small
price to pay, wasn't it,

for that tidy commission
on the land sale?

It's true.

What? What?

I wanted to be Boathouse
president so bad.

Oh, that's it, Pancake.

You let it all out.

I bumped Whoreen's
canasta for your wedding

to guilt Maisy into
changing real estate agents.

But she doesn't care.

She's just obsessed with her mom.

Okay.

The presidency means nothing
without the Boathouse.

My ruthless ambition
b*rned everything down.

[RETCHING]

You got some kelp in your hair.

[JAYNE RETCHING]

[SHOUTING]

Hey.

Hey.

Ivy likes to front a mean game, but...

she's never actually
fired anyone before.

Hmmm.

I'm sure you can convince her

to vouch for you to head office.

You sang an acoustic
duet together, so...

there's no way she can fire you now.

Yeah.

You got this.

Can I get a round of
applause for Jaynie, huh?

For reaching her Level Two
Aqua Spin certification.

- Yes.
- Way to go, babe.

- [RETCHING]
- Sorry, Jayner.

I'd think my drink fermented.

Crazy that pro hockey
doesn't make you a chemist.

Come on, Justin.

Hey. Can we talk?

Do you remember that thing that
I said the other day about, um,

someone burning down
the Boathouse on purpose?

Well, see, I thought
that if I could prove it,

that you might forgive me. And I...

I know now that that's,
um... that was really stupid.

- Real dumb.
- But Riley, somebody did

use our wedding fireworks
to start the fire.

Any proof?

Just the missing fireworks

and an unsinged box.

But then when I saw the Quads

post that shitty meme of you, I...

I had this idea. And I thought, well...

they caught that, maybe
they caught something else.

And, um, they did.

Billie told me to CSI
everybody, so I checked alibis,

dress sizes, I worked my sunglass flip.

Riley, if you did it
because I ran, I get it.

I do. I'm just... I'm worried about you.

It's Claire.

That's your shirt, Riley.

Hey, Claire, come here a sec.

- Is this you?
- Nope.

See, Riley, I would not have
shown you that video if I had...

It's Mimsy. She was cold.
I loaned her my shirt.

I did not ask Mimsy.

Being accused of arson is going
to make leaving a lot easier.

Leaving? What do you mean, leaving?

My new Hit and Run series
got a showcase in Paris.

In Paris?

Oh, my God. That's...

That's like the art
capital of the world.

It's Paris, Ontario.

That's...

the Paris of...

of Ontario.

I leave tomorrow.

So I'm going to crash at the Gas Go,

but you can stay at the cabin
until Billie's contract is up.

After that, I don't
want to see you again.

Riley.

[RILEY] Hey, Jayner.

I vote we sell the
land, split the money.

My wedding gift to the lake.

That was so stupid.

Plane down.

Sorry.

[MIMSY] Victor was right.

This is absolute heaven.

I can just feel the
toxins pouring out of me.

Big buildup.

I'm sorry. This is so embarrassing.

It's just the sight of
blood really makes me dizzy.

Oh, I thought it might arouse you.

Sharks are usually excited by blood.

Could I have some water?

Boar urine might help
settle your stomach better.

Yeah, water is fine.

Ah, good. You will need your strength.

You are next.

Oh, Mom, don't move. One of
your cups is coming loose.

[JHYVE: "FEEL SOMETHING"
PLAYING DISTANTLY]

Having fun?

I am. Don't let the
resting butch face fool you.

Wow. And she puns too.

You guys really are related.

Hey, are you into my brother?
I'm kind of getting a vibe.

A vibe? No, nuh-uh,
it's totally platonic.

Like, uh, like tree-plant-onic.

Oh, God. Did I catch it too?

Am I a pun zombie now?
Because you're gonna

have to k*ll me, Ivy.
Please, just, like, k*ll me.

Next time. You get a free pass
for boosting crew moral today.

Does that free pass
extend to next week maybe?

Uh-uh.

Oh God, I'm getting fired?

No, no, no, I don't get fired.
I've never even been fired.

- It's okay.
- It's okay? I just gave up

a great job, my parents
are totally gonna hate me

and I just screwed my
sh*t at a scholarship.

But yeah, it's cool,
it's cool, it's cool.

So you can't plant trees.

You're smart, fun, people like you.

And...

Uh, thanks for the party. Fire...

Sorry about the f*ring thing.

Oh, uh...

Oh, darling, I feel a
thousand times better.

- Thank you.
- You are so very welcome.

And losing a little blood
means we only need half the gin.

I'm going to go see what delight Opal is

masterminding in the kitchen.

[KNOCKING]

- Hello.
- Oh.

[JUSTIN] Why the sad face?

It's my mom's idea of a sick joke.

But I will have the last laugh.

Oh, you gonna bake her into a pie

or skin her puppies to make a coat?

What brings you back here?

I just came to get the last of my stuff.

How's riding the Wayne plane?

Uh, I'm not. I'm, um,
back at the m*rder Cabin.

You got Riley to forgive you?

Oh, your jaw must be so sore.

Riley went to Paris, Ontario.

But who knows?

Accusing him of torching the
Boathouse could inspire work

that sends him to actual Paris.

You thought Riley set
fire to the Boathouse?

Man, you are getting desperate.

No, the Quads filmed someone
in plaid sneaking into

the Boathouse right before
the fireworks went off.

And I thought it was
Riley, but it was actually

just your mom in lesbian
drag. You can read all about it

in the holiday email. Goodbye.

Can I see the footage?

No, Maisy, I'm done with it.

Ask the Quads.

Arson is a monkey's paw.

It's the path to crazy.

Walk away or end up a sad

single cautionary tale like me.

Hey.

So, judging from the apocalypse outside,

I'd say the party was
a complete success.

So what happened? You
win your boss over?

Nope, got fired.

Oh, sh*t. Billie, I'm so sorry.

Something happened, Justin.

Something I've never done, and...

- I...
- What?

What, honey? What happened?

I...

I sang "Wonderwall".

Oh, God. Oh, my God.

It's okay. It's okay.

It happens to us all eventually.

♪ They don't drive ♪
♪
(NO, NOT IN THIS CITY) ♪

[NINA LEE: "FOR THE b*tches"]

♪ They just ride ♪
♪ (Past the people they pity) ♪

♪ They get f*cked up and move on ♪

♪ They get f*cked up and move on ♪

♪ I feel bad for the b*tches, b*tches ♪

♪ I feel bad for the b*tches, b*tches ♪

♪ Diamonds all in their stitches ♪

♪ Can't feel what they're missin' ♪

♪ And I feel bad for them ♪

♪ House in the Hamptons ♪

♪ So many cars ♪

♪ She's got Daddy's Amex ♪

♪ But she can't get his heart ♪

♪ They show off a photo ♪

♪ Just to impress ♪

♪ But they don't even know her ♪

♪ They don't even know her ♪

♪ And they don't drive ♪
♪ (No, not in this city) ♪

♪ They just ride ♪
♪ (Past the people they pity ♪

♪ They get f*cked up and move on ♪

♪ They get f*cked up and move on ♪