02x08 - Death on Denial

[bunniefuu]

[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING]

Um, so, where's the big surprise?

Patience, my little chicky nuggets.

Captain Barnes here is gonna explain

why you've all been invited
on our mystery cruise.

Floor's yours, captain!

[BILLIE] Thank you.

Good news, everybody.

- I am the new...
- [ENGINE RUMBLES]

Oh, my God, the engine's been cut!

Justin, you just shut it off.

[SIGHS] You're really
killin' my drama here.

You gotta pause for
effect, then reel 'em in.

You know, what kills the drama

is you giving me notes
in the middle of it!

I know, but this is just a
really big moment for you, and

- I really want you to land it.
- What are we landing, exactly?

Billie found a new
home for the Boathouse.

- Oh, my God, Justin!
- Oh!

Have you been talking
to Clementine Farnsworth?

Is she getting secret listings?

The tree planters have
been leasing some shoreline

for their base camp, and
the owners wanna sell.

If we get in first,
we could break ground

on a new Boathouse by Labour Day.

Turn your heads around,
my little sweet potatoes,

and feast your eyes!

[VICTOR] We buildin' on water, bub?

Oh, his father's eyes
went at the same age.

- But Derrick had a jawline for glasses.
- My jawline is fine.

If we have to wait for rescue,
I vote we eat Justin first.

No, no one is going anywhere
or cannibalizing anybody.

After being treated all summer

like the world's cuddliest w*r criminal,

I am gonna have justice!

So we made sure that no one can escape,

- because I...
- We. We.

We... [WHISPERING] Sorry, sorry.

... solved the mystery
of the Boathouse fire.

- [JAYNE GASPING]
- Oh, yeah.

And there is an arsonist among us.

[PHONE BEEPS]

And they're on this very boat.

[CREEPY INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING]

[ALL GASPING]

[TERI] Why'd we stop?

Did the unicorn run out of gas?

Justin turned off the engine.

How do you know?

Claire's live podcasting from the boat.

- That makes me sad.
- Justin and Billie think

someone on board torched the Boathouse.

They're doing, like, a whole
Downton Shabby reveal.

Does it have subtitles?

Whoever b*rned down the
Boathouse was a guest

at the "Wedding that Wasn't."

- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- [BOTH] Good title.

- [JUSTIN] Yes, thank you.
- What about Riley?

- He was there too.
- Yeah, so, Riley's been asked

- to exhibit in Brussels.
- Ontario?

The European-Canadian art corridor

is a smaller circuit, but
it's no less prestigious.

Oh, did he turn you down?

Riley was actually in Paris
when Jayne's tires blew.

But the rest of you each had the means,

motive, and opportunity to
bring down the Boathouse.

No more so than the most
hated person on the lake:

Maisy-May.

[SCOFFS] I think you poll higher.

[ALL MUTTERING]

Maisy's always wanted what's mine!

My cottage, my father.

My uncanny ability to
relate to teen girls.

From ' s comedies.

And the jealousy.

Oh! [CHUCKLING]

The jealousy ate Maisy up!

Or, furious that her mom
had taken her cottage,

Maisy decided to get it back.

By burning Mimsy alive.

Yes, but we all know
the depraved lengths

Maisy will go to when it comes
to keeping her stolen cottage.

Rigging an election.

Ruining Prank Day.

- [MAISY GRUNTS]
- Oh, God, what the hell, Maisy?

- [JUSTIN] Drowning me.
- [JUSTIN SHOUTS]

The cottage is mine!

- [JUSTIN] And physical as*ault.
- [JUSTIN GRUNTS]

- Once!
- Ugh!

[GLASS SHATTERING]

No one wants my mom gone more than I do,

but why k*ll an already dying woman?

- [MIMSY SCOFFS]
- Unless she asked.

My mother couldn't have done it.

You're describing a crime of passion,

and my mom is % premeditated.

Yes, that's true!

Crimes of passion are
typically committed by

people who can experience
actual human emotion.

And the human who b*rned down
the Boathouse hated it so much,

they sabotaged every
effort to bring it back.

Like nailing my tires
and stealing my spares

so I'd never become
the Cabin Flip Bitch!

Or prank a ghost to
t*nk the sale, right?

But Maisy couldn't have done it,

because she was with me when Phoebe...

[ALL] Fo-ee-bee.

... Fo-ee-bee got the prank call.

Which brings us to
the widdle demon child

from her burning bush.

Bring it, old man.

Mocked for his New Wave movie nights

and banished from the
Talent Show committee,

Opal hated the Boathouse's
antiquated traditions.

That's why there's a sign-up sheet.

He's still a bit upset
over getting booted off

the Talent Show committee.

The lake just isn't
ready for Moulin Rouge!

[JUSTIN] So he became
our wedding planner

so that his origami-themed decor

would turn the Boathouse
into a tinderbox!

We talked about this, Justin.

Opal couldn't have stolen Jayne's spare

because Jayne was
driving Tegan and Sara,

and he didn't know that
until after she'd gone!

I know, but if we're doing
Death on the Nile,

then I have to go
through all the suspects!

- [BILLIE] Okay, okay, fine.
- Did you guys watch

the reboot or the classic?

- How dare you!
- Do me, do me!

Oh. Oh, you're...
you're not on the list.

Yeah, you know, everyone
kind of loves you, Victor.

Mm-hmm. Yes, you have
wakeboard abs and zero motive.

And zero purpose now that
you're retired, eh, bud?

And Maisy would never let you.

But I would.

- Ugh.
- [MAISY] Gross, Mom.

Aw, thanks, guys. You're the best!

But Ulrika's presidency was the worst.

Years of fighting over dock sizes

and boating hours took their toll.

No matter how hard she tried,

docks got bigger, boats got louder.

It is all moot without quorum.

[BILLIE] Shorelines receded faster.

- [GAVEL THUDS]
- And her Swedish tradition

of Walpurgis, if that's a word,

was the perfect cover
for a controlled burn

to reclaim the land for Mother Gaia.

I am sorry, old and young Wallander,

but you are Swede out of luck.

[ALL HALF-HEARTEDLY LAUGHING]

And I do not know who this Fo-ee-bee is.

Oh, but I do.

And I was there when Jayne
came looking for Maisy,

and I hate the Boathouse the most,

and I'm the only femme
fatale on the lake.

- [ALL MURMURING]
- But we did her already.

- Yeah, I feel like we did this already.
- I'm confused.

[JUSTIN] Yeah, we did it, yeah.

Maybe Billie b*rned down the
Boathouse to get with Riley.

She has been drawn to family figures.

She did almost bang her cousin.

- Yeah.
- Step-cousin!

That's why they look so alike.

Okay, guys, think. Billie
burns down the Boathouse

because she knows that Riley
would never forgive Justin.

- And then, bam!
- [KERI GASPS]

The path is cleared.

- That is so f*cked.
- Tweet it.

Oh!

But there was an even
more obvious suspect.

- Oh, yes.
- Four, in fact.

And their mom was covering
for them the whole time.

The Quadspawn knew Jayne was driving

Tegan and Sara, and
about the bidding w*r.

And as the only ones at the wedding

who know how to use their
phone, they could've faceswapped

- and framed anyone.
- That is true.

- Yeah, we have done that.
- I could've done it.

Or those baby plastics did
it just to feel something.

- Just to feel anything at all.
- Hmm.

I think we've heard enough
from Rizzoli and Isles!

- [GASPS] Our show.
- You listen.

There is no way that my Anna Del-threes

would've done this.

[OLIVE] There's four of us, Dad.

- [WAYNE] Hey!
- [JUSTIN] Or maybe...

- maybe it was you, Wayne.
- [GASPS] No.

Oh, yeah. You're lookin' mean, sir.

You had a motive. You
had the opportunity, too,

- didn't you?
- Why?

What motive could Wayner have?

Oh! [LAUGHS]

As long as Jayne's
presidency was a mess,

Wayne still had an
opportunity to win her back.

I mean, he was there for the wedding.

He was there for the blown tires.

He was there for the phone call.

Pow, pow!

- Yeah...
- [JUSTIN] Now, all of that compulsive,

excessive day drinking, well,

that just meant he wouldn't
remember a g*dd*mn thing,

wouldn't it, Wayne?

[TEARFUL] It's true.

I don't remember anything.

I will not let you Inception my husband!

She did it!

Claire b*rned down the Boathouse
when Wayne turned her down.

We all do crazy things
for the sex falcon.

[JUSTIN] All right.

Aww! Daddy defended us.

No, guys, Mom called Daddy "husband."

[KERI SNIFFLES]

[JERI] What's wrong?

Mom and Dad are totally
getting back together.

I can't believe Olive's
going to jail! [SOBS]

[SHOUTING] Claire Henderson!

[MYSTERIOUS INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING]

All comes down to you, Claire Bear.

A woman who hated her stepmother so much

that she would do anything
to avenge her jilted mom.

You had a games night without us?

Because the last one you went to,

you f*cked Whoreen and
broke Mummy's heart.

[BILLIE] By trying to
frame the one person

she hates most in this world.

A sweet but cringily horny woman, yes.

My little girl's not a firebug!

She's a blunt instrument,
just like your mom.

Hmm. What that woman could do
with a sock full of pennies.

- What?
- I didn't frame Whoreen.

Because she did it. It's in my podcast.

Come on, Claire. Whoreen could
never burn down the Boathouse.

She's been on the Board for years!

Whoreen does whatever we say.

- No, she does whatever you say.
- Well...

- Whoreen collects kitten sweatshirts.
- Really?

- [ALL LAUGHING]
- Whoreen gets freaky to Gordon Lightfoot.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Whoreen makes her own dessert wine!

[ALL LAUGHING]

Maureen...

- [JUSTIN] Zip it, Maureen.
- [JAYNE] Not now, Whoreen!

My name is Maureen!

[GOOSE HONKS]

Twenty years.

Twenty years you've called
me by that horrible name,

all for loving a man
with a pendulous sack.

- [JUSTIN] Ugh.
- Oh, God.

Did you burn down the
Boathouse, Whoreen?

- I did.
- [ALL GASPING]

And made sure it never came back!

- It's fine, they're not...
- Take it outside!

[WHOREEN] I was just so miffed

when my Canasta tournament
was bumped for Justin's wedding.

Years of supporting
everyone on the Board,

and as thanks, that name on my seat!

Watching everyone come
together for the boys' wedding,

it was so unfair.

Nobody came to our wedding.

Even after Claire's mother
gave us her blessing.

Lou had just become too much
for her. She had tiny hands.

- Ugh!
- [PHONE BEEPS]

- Oh, God.
- Oh, my God.

[WHOREEN] As long as
there was a Boathouse,

that name would never die.

I would always be just a horny
homewrecker to you people!

Well, this Niagara peach

has been f*cked for the last time!

[FIREWORKS EXPLODING]

[DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING]

You will call me by my name!

Wow.

So, yeah.

- So I think this one's on us.
- Mm-hmm.

We burnt down the Boathouse.

All of us.

Not me. I've always
been very sex-positive.

And me. Never called her that.

I've been calling her
Whoreen since I was a kid.

I never knew your name was Kathleen.

I called her Whoreen at
the Gas Go this morning.

She's saved as Whoreen in my phone.

I call her Whoreen at cards.

- Sometimes in bed, I...
- That's allowed.

We really should've done better.

Can you ever forgive us, Maureen?

You are not buying any of
this horseshit, are you?

- [MOTOR WHIRRING]
- [JAYNE] Yeah. I mean...

- [WAYNE] I think that's what's happening.
- [VICTOR] Sounds good to me.

[CLAIRE] Unbelievable.

[OLEYADA: "DIG YOURSELF"]

♪ A little lonely but legit now ♪

♪ You shine the light I
know I'm getting out ♪

♪ I will remember your name ♪
♪ Your name, your name ♪

Oh, well, this would be a good
spot for the new Boathouse.

Or there. Better water access.

[JUSTIN] Bush Prom.

Is this why you were rushing the drama?

- Maybe.
- [FORREST] Folks!

[CHUCKLES] This is still tree
planter land till sunrise,

so that is a no good on the tour.

But, if you're down to
clown on our last night here,

let me be the first to
officially welcome you...

to Bush Prom.

Is there anything he can't pull off?

[FORREST] All right, y'all.

We've got a couple of
ground rules to get through

before the band plays.

Rule number one: no dance battles.

Why are you looking at me?
Why is he looking at me?

And as per Bush Prom tradition,

guys wear dresses,

- ladies wear tuxes.
- [EXCITED GASP]

[JUSTIN CHUCKLES]

It's better if I pick for them.
Not everyone can work a ruffle.

[VALLEY GIRL: "NO CEILING"]

♪ No doubts, no fears ♪
♪ Just confidence... ♪

Okay, okay. You guys look dope.

Welcome to the party.

[ALL CHEERING]

[WAYNE] Beer's this way! Over here!

♪

So, uh, friend,

um, there's nothing
in here that's my size.

Is there, like, another friend
that I could swap with, you know?

I'm just asking... just asking,

- you know, as like, a...
- Friend.

Got it.

You breakin' up with me, Kombuch?

I think. I don't know.
I've never done it before.

- How am I doing?
- Oh, you're crushin' it.

But you and Ivy are the
only ones left to swap.

Yeah, I don't think that would go well.

It is the last day of camp.

Puts people in a forgiving mood.

Friends?

[CHUCKLES]

Definitely.

You got this.

She's by the mess tent.

Thanks.

It's the other...

- She'll figure it out.
- [MAISY] Victor, honey?

Hey, Maisies. In here.

- Oh, God.
- This is Krusty Jake.

Oh, my friends call me KJ.

That'll never happen.

Have you lost your mind?

Why are you getting a tattoo

from a dirty hippie in a sarong?

This is actually good
for air circulation, so...

Finally found my tattoo
for the year, hon.

MVP: "Most Victor Player."

I told you to come to
me when Daddy has ideas.

I was looking so hard for a symbol

to mark my year that I lost myself!

Happens all the time, dude.

I'm a three-time hockey champ,

bangin' husband, kickass dad.

I could have gotten away
with the Boathouse fire

because everyone loves me!

Next time I forget how amazing I am,

I'll just give myself a little
pat on the back to remember!

You wanna take a look?

- Oh, yeah.
- Okay.

- Where's MVP?
- [KRUSTY JAKE MUMBLES]

Daddy got a tramp stamp.

After what happened to Maureen,
it felt right to reclaim it.

So we never forget.

Hmm.

Small sips or you'll barf.

Okay, more for me.

Gonna need it for this next bit anyways.

[TAKES DEEP BREATHS]

Ivy, I'm really sorry.

I've never had feelings for a
girl before, and half the time,

I didn't know if I wanted
to kiss you or fight you.

You don't have to give a whole PSA.

You're not into girls, I get it.

[BILLIE] I'm still
figuring out what I'm into.

But I know I like you,

and I know I still wanna
make an impact like you.

You and Forrest just made tree
planting look so cool, I got...

- It is.
- And I'm not, clearly.

But... spending the
summer outside with you

made me less scared of it.

In my family, nature's kind
of something you enjoy inside.

Mine told me I was allergic to pollen

my entire childhood, so...

Ivy, I never meant to hurt you.

I know. I was just bummed.

I know I can be super
intense, like, / ,

but I can be fun, too.

- I can get wild.
- [BILLIE CHUCKLES]

Sort of.

Then dance with me.

[DOMBRESKY: "HOUSEOLOGY"]

Oh.

Don't worry, she'll be catnip
for the ladies in the clink.

Or you could always
take the fall for her.

Actually, the Board decided
not to press charges.

Oh. Well, that's too bad.

I still think prison
would be good for you.

What else does your lonely
heart have to look forward to?

Same as you: just the
sweet release of death.

[LAUGHS]

Aww. I always did admire your fire.

So glad you passed it to Billie.

She channels it so much better.

Oh! If you'll excuse me,

a Parisian smoke show is
about to ask me to dance.

[SIXPENCE NONE THE RICHER: "KISS ME"]

♪ Kiss me ♪
♪ Out of the bearded barley ♪

♪ Nightly, beside... ♪

- Can we talk?
- [MIMSY SCOFFS]

I'll be with my Torreador over there.

♪ Swing the spinning step ♪

♪ You wear those shoes and
I will wear that dress ♪

[EXHALES] So, what happened to Brussels?

Ah. Nah, the waffles were sh*t.

[CHUCKLES]

You look good.

I trimmed.

But you stopped below the neck.

No, the 'stache stays.

How about the earring? Is
that a phase, or a bird trap?

[SIGHS] You're just
mad that I pull it off.

♪ So kiss me ♪

So...

this is that part in the movie
where it goes one of two ways.

I just need to ask you one thing.

♪ Kiss me ♪
♪ Down by the broken tree house ♪

Are you still in love with me?

♪ Swing me ♪

Absolutely, I am.

Do we try again?

I'd like that.

[LAUGHS]

♪ Oh, kiss me ♪
♪ Beneath the milky twilight ♪

♪ Lead me... ♪

Oh.

[GODDEXX [FKA DIANA BOSS AND
GIORGI HOLIDAY: "THICC HONEY"]

I'm so happy you're not related to her.

♪ Thicc honey ♪

[DISTANT CHEERING]

[DRAGONETTE: "OUTIE"]

♪ Don't thr*aten me with a good time ♪

♪ No, don't thr*aten
me with a good time ♪

♪ Seriously ♪

♪ No, don't take me ♪

♪ I don't ever feel hard feelings ♪

- [OCIE] Hey, sluts!
- [ALL CHEERING]

Is everybody having a good time tonight?

- [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
- Call me bush crazy,

but this season was the sh*t!

[ALL CHEERING]

I wanna see all of your
asses back next season.

- [KRUSTY JAKE] All right!
- Not you, Krusty. We've seen enough of yours.

Thank you so much for pounding so hard.

Happy Bush Prom, highballers!

[ALL CHEERING]

[MAISY] Can I steal the mic a sec?

Hello, hi.

I'd like to make a toast
to the new Boathouse,

and restorative justice for Maureen!

[ALL CHEERING]

I know, I know. You're
probably thinking,

"How can there be justice
after one horny woman's

criminally desperate attempt at
validation cost us the Boathouse?"

But sometimes,

we don't realize the part we play in

making somebody else the villain,

and how we become a villain ourselves.

To new beginnings!

[ALL CHEERING]

That apology was wasted on Whoreen.

You really are a monster.

I know I wasn't the mother you needed.

But I led the life I wanted,

and you do too.

So you're welcome.

- [MAISY GASPS]
- As promised.

Oh, heads up. Without
the Boathouse payout,

I needed a bigger cushion
for my farewell tour,

so I took out a teensy $ k equity

- from the cottage.
- You did what?

Well, Devanté wasn't
gonna pay for himself.

But don't freak out!

You're not an only
child anymore, remember?

Don't play with your food too long.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I hear there's a promising tattoo
artist that gives good stick.

And poke. [CHUCKLES]

[WOMAN] Oh, my God.

So much fun!

Did you just have a stroke,

or did I see you hug your mother?

Seemed only fair,
because she gave me this.

You finally did it.

You finally got my family cottage.

Maisy wins.

She always, always wins.

My mom's dying wish is for
me to share it with you.

Oh, my God, is that a
joke? Are you joking?

I guess there really is a
human under that lizard skin.

Well, can you handle a / split?

/ . There's four
of us and two of you.

Okay. Yes! That's fine.

Shake on it, little bro.

Psych! No, I'm serious.

[CHUCKLES] That grip!

[GASPS] It's like a python
wrapped around my hand.

[JULEZ LORENZO: "WHAT WE DO FOR LOVE"]

Thanks for the dance, number four.

♪ You hit me with, you
hit me with the sh*t ♪

Stop, Mom. It's so embarrassing.

Go. Close the sale.

Oh, but isn't going back to your dad,

like, sliding backwards?

No, you're not sliding backwards.

You're dragging Daddy forwards.

Oh.

- Come on.
- You got this.

- Oh, my God.
- Go!

Oh, boy...

Hmm?

♪ Made a few changes ♪

- Hey.
- I'm sorry for what I wrote

about you in the last newsletter.

Well, I checked your sources,

and I thought it was pretty fair.

I'm sorry, too.

For being on autopilot.

[EXHALES]

Do you wanna dance?

Sex falcons don't dance.

- They fly.
- [LAUGHS]

- [MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]
- Oh!

- [OCIE] We love you, sluts!
- Well, we tried.

There'll be another one.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[THE KNOCKS: "SLOW SONG (WITH DRAGONETTE)
- ACOUSTIC"]

♪ Staring at the ceiling ♪

♪ I can feel you trying
doors I'd opened up before ♪

So, what do you think about me
giving nature tours next summer?

I mean, I got my mom
to pee in the woods,

and CEO of my own startup
would look pretty k*ller

on a uni application!

Yeah, it's about time for
some new growth in these woods.

Tree joke, huh?

- [RILEY CHUCKLES]
- Forrest get to you too?

- Yo, he's really irresistible.
- [BILLIE] I know, it's insane.

- Right?
- [BILLIE] Like, unreal.

- You guys talking about me?
- [RILEY] Oh, you!

Because guess who just got Maisy

to let me buy into the family cottage?

Oh, yeah. Lovejoy wins.

Wow.

This is nice. This is real nice.

No. No, no, no.

- [RILEY] No?
- It's gettin' weird. I'm gonna go.

- [RILEY] Sorry.
- Okay. Love you, bye.

[BILLIE] Bye.

- Hi.
- Hi.

[JUSTIN] Hello.

♪ You can flip back through the pages ♪

♪ And you won't find I
was makin' any promises ♪

♪ You're the desert I'm the rain ♪

♪ And we both know I never stay ♪

♪ But still, you wanted it ♪

♪ Ooh, I got ways of losing you, baby ♪

♪ I'm faster than
whatever you're chasing ♪

♪ I'll keep b*ating on your
heart till I break it ♪

♪ 'Cause you can take
it I'm gonna go crazy ♪

[RILEY] Let's have a baby.

Hi, Lakers. Claire here.

You can check out the highlights from
my podcast A Moment of Clairi-Tea

by clicking on this X-Ray thing
on your web or mobile device.

I spill the tea on all
the scandal at the lake,

with a side serving
of photos and trivia.

The summer may be over,
but the tea is still hot.

Oh, it's actually... It's
quite... It's piping hot.

Whoo! [CHUCKLES]

Cut... Cut.