It's been years
since the Black Adder
first galloped onto our screens,
but the history of Blackadder
actually stretches back
even further than that.
I'm so excited
to be able to share with you
the remarkable untold story of
what came before the first series
the story of the Blackadder pilot.
My gift to you.
For the first time ever,
we're going to broadcast
that pilot episode
in full at a special screening.
I'm going to k*ll him
and I'm going to k*ll him now!
I'm going back in time
to the furthest reaches
of Blackadder's past
to try and find some answers
from the people who were there
at the very start.
There's so much there,
but it wasn't remotely right yet.
We'll unearth some bits
of Blackadder history
that I think you're going to love...
This is genuinely a treasure trove.
And I'll talk to some famous fans
along the way, too.
It was just incredibly watchable and
likeable, even though it was nasty,
and I think
that's the addictive cocktail.
We need something... more cunning.
It's so different
to the series that went out,
but loads of those lines,
I still remember.
LAUGHTER
So, join me on a journey
through television history
as we uncover
the never-before-told story
of Blackadder: The Lost Pilot.
Playing the part of Baldrick
changed my life.
Even now, if I go into a restaurant,
they tend to serve me turnips
with a bit of a giggle.
Baldrick,
I've always been meaning to ask
do you have any ambitions in life,
apart from
the acquisition of turnips?
LAUGHTER No.
But, actually,
I wasn't in the Blackadder pilot.
Someone else played Baldrick.
Yes, we need something more cunning.
I have a cunning plan.
More of that in a sec.
But first, I'm setting out
to find out more about the origins
of that almost mythic piece
of television,
and to discover why
the long-lost pilot
was so important
in the stellar success
of the series that followed it.
I'm beginning by meeting
a true Blackadder legend, Ben Elton.
Ben joined us in series two,
and wrote the second, third
and fourth series with Richard,
but, like me,
he wasn't around for the pilot.
But the first day we sat down
to talk about it,
what we talked about was,
"This needs to be in a studio."
"Baldrick should be the idiot.
Rowan needs to be clever."
I mean, all of that happened
immediately.
That was a big change
from what had come before.
In series one,
the roles were completely reversed.
Baldrick was the clever one
and Blackadder was the dolt.
As I shall be known from now on
the Black.
Vegetable.
LAUGHTER
My lord, wouldn't something like
"the Black Adder" sound better?
In the pilot you're going to see,
Blackadder is actually
a very similar character
to the hard-hearted malcontent
in Ben's series two.
Baldrick, I would advise you
to make the explanation you are
about to give phenomenally good.
LAUGHTER
You said, "Get the door."
Not good enough. You're fired.
Did you watch
the first Blackadder series?
Yeah, I did watch it. It was flawed.
It wasn't as good
as it could have been,
but it was still great.
I remember thinking,
as I watched it,
"This isn't how I'd use Rowan."
"Why have they made Rowan
the stupid one?"
I mean, to me,
Rowan was the supercilious brain
who knows better than anybody,
but doesn't.
Cos I'm a writer, I like
putting words in Rowan's mouth,
and I always thought Row,
as a clown,
as a sort of physical clown,
you know, was less interesting,
certainly, to me,
than Row as a sketch actor.
"Ah, come in, Blenkinsop.
So, you've..."
You know,
that kind of famous sketch.
I suspect that
you couldn't have moved
straight from
the Blackadder pilot... Yeah.
To Blackadder II.
There was, as it were,
a lot of experimentation
that still needed to be done.
I have never seen the pilot,
to this day.
I never knew it existed.
Richard has never mentioned
a pilot to me.
When you phoned, I rang Richard
and said, "Is this true?"
He said, "Yeah, it's true."
And I said, "Is it true that.
"Adder was kind of the clever one"
"and Baldrick was the thick one
in the pilot?"
Cos I always thought
that was my breakthrough.
And he said, "Well, yeah."
I mean, not mine. Ours.
Richard and I never talk about
who wrote whatever line,
but my instinct from the start was
it should be about the language.
And I think
the most significant thing
Richard and I did
with the Blackadder
is invent a language. You know,
"You're as small as a small thing."
Your brain, for example,
is so minute, Baldrick,
that if a hungry cannibal
cracked your head open,
there wouldn't be enough inside
to cover a small water biscuit.
We used to have to spend our time
fighting for a lot of lines
that we believed in - you know,
Stephen didn't want to do
or you thought you could improve
or whatever.
And, you know, we fought...
In the end, I gave up -
I had other jobs to do,
but Richard stuck it out
and fought every day.
But we ended up producing
a fantastic series between us,
and we wrote it and you lot said it,
and there was
a very small bit of grey area
between those two things.
A small bit.
I can remember, in the first week
of rehearsals of Blackadder II,
me saying to you, "Ben",
"does Baldrick really need
to be this stupid?"
And you were going,
"No, he needs to be more stupid."
This is called adding.
If I have two beans,
and then I add two more beans,
what do I have?
Some beans. LAUGHTER.
The thing with Tony is,
when he was given
the most stupidest character
in the world to play,
he didn't play it like the most
stupidest character in the world.
He played it like a real character.
One, two, three, four.
So, how many are there?
Three. What? And that one.
Can't imagine anyone else
being Baldrick.
He comes at it from an angle
that I just would never
have thought of.
What does that make?
A very small casserole.
Baldrick is incredibly relaxed.
He's happy with his lot.
He's the lowest of the low.
And he's quite chilled about that.
To you, Baldrick,
the Renaissance was just something
that happened to other people,
wasn't it?
I love that scene!
It's really surreal for me
that someone else played Baldrick
in the pilot.
I have a cunning plan.
I can't wait to share it in full
with the lucky group
of Blackadder super fans,
and with you at home, of course.
LAUGHTER
The story of the pilot is, for me,
a story of what might have been.
I was originally cast in it,
but the recording got delayed
and in the end, I took another job,
here at the National Theatre,
doing, of all things,
a Greek tragedy.
I thought the chance
of me ever being involved
with The Black Adder
was completely gone.
That is,
until I got a telephone call
that totally changed my life.
That call was from John Lloyd,
who was our producer on the Adder.
It was John who got me back
to play Baldrick
in the first series.
Hello!
He's also the man behind
Spitting Image,
Not The Nine O'Clock News and QI -
not a bad CV.
years! years!
♪ We've been together now
for years... ♪
He produced the first series,
but like me, didn't do the pilot.
I'm hoping he can help me understand
just how the Blackadder
of series one
ended up being quite so different
from the Adder of the pilot.
We made so many mistakes
in that first series
because that sort of swaggering guy
in the pilot
is much closer to the guy
in the second series.
And I think it was probably my idea
to make him,
you know, trying to get the...
Fumbling for
that sense of character.
"Well, if he's the younger brother,
why shouldn't he be weedier?"
"Shouldn't he be more pathetic?"
Didn't work at all. Yeah, yeah.
Hooray! Absolutely. Hooray!
LAUGHTER
You don't do a series two
without a series one.
Everything needs, you know...
I think Blackadder, series one,
is a perfect example of
that not everything has
to start off perfect.
And when Ben Elton came in -
genius idea of Richard
I immediately thought,
"This is the real deal."
So, let's scroll back a bit.
Richard and Rowan had gone
to the South of France
to write a comedy pilot. Yes.
I was about to set up
Spitting Image,
so there was a lot happening,
and I think I was in Docklands
trying to design puppets and things.
And I used to get
these letters saying,
"Do you want to do this?"
And what I saw was a thing called...
I think it was called Prince Edmund
and His Two Friends. You think.
"Hmm, OK."
But anyway, they made the pilot,
so I had a look and I thought,
"Yeah, OK."
The pilot was not
a million miles away
from the scripts that you thought
were a bit naff.
Well, I watched it
just last night, Tony,
and the thing is, with hindsight,
you can see immediately
what the matter is with that pilot.
And what is the matter with it?
Well, the familial set-up
is too complicated
you know, the older brother
and the King and the...
They're not relevant
to the thrust of it,
which is this Blackadder character
and the sidekicks.
That's the core of it.
All the other stuff doesn't matter.
I can see what John means.
When I watched the pilot,
it did feel like there were
a few characters without much to do.
Those Spanish are just warmongers,
aren't they? Yes.
If only we could stop
fighting the Spanish,
we might have some time
to fight the French.
You can see it's hard work
for those people
because the writers -
Rowan and Richard
don't know what's funny about them.
It comes alive when Rowan's,
you know, being rude
to his sidekicks and plotting and...
HE CHUCKLES EVILLY.
But he didn't find the core
of the thing, which is...
You know it's not just enough
to do a lot of funny lines.
One character who definitely
didn't have a lot of funny lines
in the pilot was Baldrick.
In the pilot,
Balders was played by Philip Fox.
I always feel that Philip Fox got
a bit of a raw deal
cos it wasn't that
he couldn't do Baldrick and I could.
In a way, he was in the petri dish
when you were all trying to work out
how this thing should operate.
There isn't the chemistry, I think,
with Philip Fox.
There's no focus in the writing,
to me,
which there was with you
straight from the off.
There was always that chemistry
with you and Rowan.
But there is definitely...
The thing with Rowan here,
there's the beginnings
of really good character.
That basic core idea of.
Baldrick says
the really obvious thing,
Blackadder pooh-poohs it
as ridiculous,
and they end up doing that
in the end.
No, my lord, you get a cannon...
Oh, I see! Take him outside.
Get him to stick his head
down a cannon, blow it off.
Oh, yes, Baldrick,
that's a wonderful idea.
Percy, give me your glove.
Open! LAUGHTER.
Coming up, the man behind
the music of the Adder
lets us in on the story
of that famous score...
It's the same tune,
as you now know, that I did,
but with one crucial difference.
I catch up with Richard Curtis
to get the definitive take
on Blackadder's beginnings...
I remember the BBC saying,
"There are only two types of sitcom
you can be certain will fail."
LAUGHTER
and we screen the lost pilot
in full for the first time ever.
I'm delving deep into
the history of Blackadder.
We're going to broadcast
the lost Blackadder pilot
for the first time ever,
but before I share it with you...
This is the original sheet music.
I want to find out more
about that lost pilot.
Just how important was it
to the enduring success
of the series that followed?
I have to say, I had completely
forgotten we made the pilot.
That's what everybody says!
In as much as, I did the music
at the beginning, the end,
with the musicians,
recorded it, everything,
it was put on the program me,
and I had completely forgotten
about it.
One of the most instantly
recognisable things about Blackadder
is Howard Goodall's quite literally
pitch-perfect musical score.
Blackadder theme song.
There's something snaky about it.
I don't know why. I don't know
whether music can be snaky,
but it works beautifully.
No-one knew how good his theme was
until the series went on,
and then the way
that he transformed it
into, like, you know,
a sort of Tudor,
courtly piece of music.
It's just a little shiny nugget
of comedy on the top of it.
So, how did that famous
Blackadder music evolve?
It's the same tune,
as you now know, that I did,
but with one crucial difference
it was only the first bit
of the tune.
Can you show me
how you put it together?
It went, you know...
HE HUMS BLACKADDER THEME SONG.
It went...
HE HUMS BLACKADDER THEME SONG.
And then it went...
HE HUMS BLACKADDER THEME SONG.
No!
HE LAUGHS
But that's mad
because the next bit goes...
♪ Blackadder! ♪
But it didn't then.
It just did that.
So, we did the pilot... Yeah.
And then,
not very long afterwards,
John Lloyd called me and he said,
"It's a good tune,
but it doesn't go anywhere."
"What about having
a kind of fanfarey second bit?"
I said, "Well,
what sort of thing do you mean?"
He said, "Well, sometimes,
it's good if it's sort of the tune."
"Even though you don't sing it,
it's kind of the name."
So, I said, "You mean like going..."
♪ Blackadder, Blackadder... ♪
BOTH HUM CHORUS TO
BLACKADDER THEME SONG
And he said, "Yes, that!"
What happened was,
we were waiting for Richard Curtis
to write the lyric,
but no lyric was forthcoming.
He was too busy.
And the night before the session,
when the singer was coming in,
I said to John Lloyd,
I rang him up and I said,
"We've got no lyric for the song."
He said, "Come and meet me
at the pub."
We went to the pub and he said,
"We've got to do this lyric."
"We've got to do it now
before we leave this pub."
So, he and I sat together
and did those very stupid lyrics.
You know, "His pot is blacker than
his kettle," and all that kind of stuff.
And I have here, Tony,
to show you, a little
surprise, which is,
these are the original scores.
Oh, wow! And this is the thing
I first wrote for the singer,
and these are his pencil notes.
We changed a word
at the last minute.
Instead of, "Blackadder, Blackadder,
you horrid little man,"
we used to say,
"A horrid little man."
He changed that. Do you know,
I don't think I've ever actually
listened to these lyrics closely.
"The sound of hoof beats
'cross the glade."
"Good folk, lock up
your son and daughter."
"Beware the deadly flashing blade
unless you want to end up shorter."
TONY LAUGHS
That's very good, isn't it?
♪ Blackadder, Blackadder
♪ He rides a pitch-black steed... ♪
Before I catch up with Richard,
who I hope can help me
piece together
the final bits of the story
of the lost pilot,
I've come to meet one of
Blackadder's most famous fans.
David Mitchell played
the unlovable loser Mark Corrigan
in Peep Show,
but more recently,
he's starred in Upstart Crow,
another hit historical sitcom
that's also set in the same period
as Blackadder II,
and is also written by Ben Elton.
I was so lucky to be in Peep Show,
but then Ben Elton wrote,
essentially,
as close a show to Blackadder
as you can imagine happening
in the st century,
for me to play Shakespeare in.
I certainly do not deserve
a lottery win after that.
I am out of luck.
I think Blackadder is
the nastier show,
and I mean that in a positive way.
You really want him to triumph,
even though that would not be good
for the world.
But it's leavened by the fact
that the people around him
are so stupid
or incompetent or vain.
Whereas, in Upstart Crow,
it's a more kindly universe.
Do you think,
somewhere deep down in you,
in the comedy that you do,
it has been influenced
by having watched Blackadder?
Yes, the rhythms of the dialogue
in Blackadder,
as I watched it over
and over again, they...
And there would definitely
have been a time
I could have recited it.
And I could have recited it,
as it were, in the right rhythm
the delivery, the laugh,
the theatrical timing.
It was incredibly beguiling.
Did you get, from the beginning,
how extraordinary a performer
Rowan was?
Yes, his performance was
sort of magnetic,
and you were just hanging
on the next funny,
nasty thing he was going to say.
Notice anything unusual? Yes, sir.
It's . in the morning
and you're moving about.
LAUGHTER
Is the bed on fire? LAUGHTER.
For me, it had echoes
of Basil Fawlty.
Ah! Very different performers.
That same sort of angry, nasty,
watchable man in the middle
trying to cover his own back,
not in any way trying to get
the audience's sympathy,
and being all the more sympathetic
for that.
What did you feel
when you saw the Blackadder pilot?
Well, I felt it was funny,
but also it feels a bit tentative.
There are lines
that get a good laugh.
You can feel the studio audience
has been told this is a pilot,
and there's an element of
supportiveness in the laughter,
which is so different to when
it's series three of something
and they're all turning up
to see their favourite show
and they're laughing
unselfconsciously.
So, you can see
there's a great show there,
but it's much better when it's
a program me than when it's a pilot.
And obviously, you're not in it,
so it's much shitter for that.
Thank you.
I've come back to
BBC Television Centre,
the famous old studios
where they recorded the pilot
on a sultry summer evening
way back in June .
Matey! Oh, my lord!
Bloody hell! Neither of us
have changed. Not remotely.
Could be years ago!
I'm here to see
my dear old friend Richard Curtis,
the man who, with Rowan,
created Blackadder
and wrote the lost pilot
that you're about to see,
and who can, I hope,
answer all the questions
I've still got about this
amazing bit of Blackadder history.
You wrote the pilot in France,
didn't you? Yeah.
Did you say,
"Rowan, I've got this idea,
"come with me to France"?
Well, we were probably
going away on holiday anyway,
and it wasn't a great success,
insofar as I just can't co-write
with someone in the same room
because just having someone
looking at you,
asking you to be funny is,
you know, terrifying. Yeah.
Cos Row's so critical of anything
I try and say to be funny.
I mean, that's why he puts
his fingers in his ears
when I'm trying to be amusing
cos something has to be perfect
or it's nothing at all.
It's not,
"Oh, there's something there."
It's like he can spot
when something's right,
and something was
very rarely very right.
Did he do much of
the actual writing,
or was it more that
he knew the kind of direction
he thought it should go in?
No, I think we sort of co-wrote
the first one,
and then I probably was
the person who rewrote it,
I imagine, while he was trying on
ruffs and codpieces.
And I do remember
John Howard Davies,
who I think ended up producing it...
Who was the head of comedy.
Head of comedy. Was a lovely man.
And I remember him saying,
"There are only two types of sitcom"
"you can be absolutely certain
will fail"
"sitcoms set in heaven and hell,
and sitcoms set in history."
He said, "That's, like, rock-solid."
But then he said, "Well, if that's
what you want to do, do it anyway."
Now, look, let's make
one thing clear
this is a Royal Command Performance.
There are only two options -
either you do it or you don't do it.
If you do it, you don't get paid.
If you don't do it,
you get beheaded.
It's that simple.
I remember being
pretty pleased with it.
I remember thinking
it had worked out.
And then Rowan and I, again,
were away on holiday together,
I think,
and five friends came round,
and we had lunch and we said,
"Now we've got
an unbelievable treat for you."
"We're going to show you this,
the next thing we're going to do,"
"and it's pretty, pretty good."
And we sat down and we watched it.
It was literally.
The Underwater World
Of Jacques Cousteau
total silence.
And I just thought,
"Oh, this is not going to work."
"This was a failure."
So, why wasn't it, in the end?
Because I think, actually,
there was enough in it.
But it was so weird because
the pilot is very close
to the atmosphere, texture
and construction of series two.
So, how did that happen?
Well, it was just so weird.
We did the pilot. Yeah.
We bring John Lloyd on board
cos we think we can make
something really original,
on film, huge,
actually make it cinematic.
We do all of that, and, strangely,
what really works best in that
are the intimate things.
The little bits and the dialogue
and the sort of almost sketches
within the shows
are the funniest things.
And then I bump into Ben Elton,
and Ben said,
"If I was going to do it,
you should have set it,"
just like the pilot,
"in just a BBC studio with an
audience who are laughing at it."
And from my point of view,
the Baldrick character in the pilot
was a bit stupid.
Then he became brighter
in the first series... Exactly.
And then became mega-stupid
in the second series. Exactly.
So, how did that work? Well,
I think that what we realised...
Paring down the production
caused us to simplify.
And we kind of learned our lesson,
which is that, in a sitcom,
people, as it were, have to be
very strong single flavours.
And then, once they are
strong single flavours,
then you can open it out.
You know they say that, somewhere,
there's a b*llet
with your name on it?
LAUGHTER Yes.
Well, I thought, if I owned
the b*llet with my name on it,
I'd never get hit by it,
cos I won't ever sh**t myself.
Oh, shame.
Is it fair to say that we couldn't
have made any more series
cos people were too cross
with each other
by the end of the fourth series?
Yeah, well, I don't know.
That's an interesting question.
There's also a thing
which happens, I think,
in something iterative,
like Blackadder,
where the danger is that
you start to write
what's in the formula
rather than what you yourself
find funny.
We got to the point
where we thought,
four times, Rowan has to say,
"You are as stupid as..."
and then you have to do that.
The strictures
of what's been amusing
starts to close in on you.
So, I think it was a mixture between
it being a very tough
creative process,
but also the process start
the joints of the comedy
starting to be less natural.
And I think Ben and I had felt
that coming.
I've got a little surprise
for Richard.
There was a photographer on set
when they recorded the pilot
all those years ago,
and we've managed to dig up
the pictures he took.
I literally
can't believe
the existence of this.
Is that Philip?
These are absolute treasures.
Oh, look at this one.
I feel really greedy about these.
This is genuinely a treasure trove.
Look at that costume
that Rowan's wearing.
I do remember, at some point,
hearing that one of the hats
that Rowan wore...
Yeah? ..Had cost more
than I'd been paid
for writing the episode.
And the surprises don't end there.
We've also found an early draft
of the pilot script,
which Richard hasn't seen
since he and Rowan typed it out
more than years ago.
Oh, my lord!
"Perhaps you're right.
We need something more cunning."
Page . Look.
I say.
"I have a cunning plan."
Yeah, you've got your...
Honestly, you're so lucky
to have a catchphrase.
Oh, let's read that whole page. OK.
"I have a cunning plan," I say.
And then Rowan says,
"Yes, perhaps I think
I have a more cunning one."
But I think I may have
a more cunning one.
Mine's pretty cunning, my lord.
Not cunning enough, I imagine.
Depends how cunning you mean.
I mean pretty damn cunning.
Mine's quite cunning, my lord.
Oh, no! My kids always say
my only joke is repetition,
and, look, they're right.
"All right, then, let's hear it.
Let's hear what's so damn cunning."
"Well, my lord,
first you ask him to come with you."
Oh, yes! Very cunning.
Brilliantly cunning.
I ask him to come with me
and then s*ab him, perhaps.
How cunning can you get?
So, that's the word "cunning".
That's what I call...
I mean, we were pushing.
We were trying
to make it a catchphrase.
How about that?
I'm so thrilled
because Ben and I never knew
who wrote what.
I'm not sure I remembered that
I would have written,
"I have a cunning plan."
Our viewers will just have had
a masterclass in writing
from one of
Hollywood's finest writers.
You say the same word times.
I know.
How do you feel about the fact that
there's going to be or so people
watching it tomorrow?
I think it'll be fun,
and I hope some of them laugh.
I'm excited to see it.
I feel very privileged to see it.
I haven't got
the highest expectations.
You know when you have,
at Christmas, the box of Roses,
and you think it's empty,
and then sort of New Year's,
you put your hand in the box
and you go,
"There's still a purple one left."
That's what this feels like.
Come back in a sec
when we'll broadcast
the lost Blackadder pilot in full
for the first time ever.
We're on our way to Notting Hill -
Richard Curtis territory
which is pretty appropriate,
isn't it?
This is going to be the big showing
of Blackadder: The Lost Pilot.
Showing something
which was never really made
for transmission at all -
it was just a kind of experiment
it'll be interesting to see
what people's reaction is.
Blackadder theme song.
The warriors return,
but the w*r is still not won.
Those Spanish are just warmongers,
aren't they? Yes.
If only we could stop
fighting the Spanish,
we might have some time
to fight the French.
Problems, problems, eh, Father?
Where's young Edmund?
He's organising the entertainments
for the party tonight.
He seemed to do it so well
last year. Ah, good.
That should keep him
out of mischief for a while.
I never know
what that boy gets up to.
I do hope we get
the Morris dancers again this year.
I must say, I love them.
Hmm. Don't you find them
a little boisterous?
Oh, no. No, I love a good dance.
Did you enjoy the Morris dancers
last year, Father? Hmm?
The Morris dancers in Mother's
birthday celebrations? Yes.
Now, I enjoyed the eunuchs.
Ah, yes, the eunuchs!
Wonderful stuff.
I believe that Edmund was thinking
of placing them top of the bill.
Oh, good. Oh, I do like them.
I think I like them most of all.
My dear, you will be ready to greet
Lord MacAngus, won't you? Yes.
What's Father given you
for a present, Mama?
Ah, now, it's something rather nice.
Ooh, let me guess. Horses? No.
A coach, perhaps? No. Jewellery?
Gold, silver or something? No, no.
All right, I give in.
Shropshire.
Oh, how delightful! I know.
I've always wanted Shropshire.
It's a lovely county.
Now, I must get ready.
KNOCK AT DOOR.
Come! DOOR OPENS.
I have a message for Prince Edmund,
Your Majesty.
I think you'll find him
in his rooms, Rudkin.
Oh, and, Your Highness,
my Lord Thomas says
the problem that
you spoke of earlier
has now been solved.
Oh, that's wonderful news!
Thank you very much indeed.
I wonder which problem that was.
KNOCK AT DOOR
The eunuchs have cancelled.
Oh, dear!
Ha! I should have known.
Never trust a eunuch!
What are we going to do?
The Queen will be most disappointed.
Well, I know what I'm going to do.
Give me an execution order.
My lord, are you sure?
I'm going to teach them a lesson
they'll never forget.
Perhaps we should just have
paid them the money. Money?!
Erm, they asked for
a small payment, my lord.
They would have to come from Cheste
to be here for the birthday tonight.
Now, look, let's make
one thing clear
this is a Royal Command Performance.
There are only two options -
either you do it or you don't do it.
If you do it, you don't get paid.
If you don't do it,
you get beheaded.
It's that simple.
And these damned eunuchs
aren't going to get away with this.
I'm going to remove
whatever extraneous parts
of their body still remain.
Baldrick,
take that to the Lord Chamberlain.
Yes, my lord.
Now, who else have we got?
Erm, well, there's
the Jumping Jesuits, my lord.
Now, what do they do?
They jump, my lord.
What?
Well, they come in and they...
They jump a lot, my lord.
It's a humorous act.
Ha! I'd like to see them
make me laugh.
Is there nothing else?
"Jerry Merry weather
and his four chickens."
What do they do? Lay eggs?
Yes, my lord.
And then there's the Morris dancers,
of course.
Now, look, we're not having them.
Morris dancing is
the most despicable, fatuous,
tenth-rate entertainment
I've ever seen.
A load of effeminate blacksmiths
waving bits of white cloth
they've been wiping their noses on!
It's a positive health hazard.
KNOCK AT DOOR.
Go away! Hello, Edmund.
Everything all right for tonight?
Oh, so-so.
Well, I'm looking forward to
the Morris dancers, I must say.
Yes. Yes, aren't we all?
Splendid.
Wincing bastard!
If only he were, my lord. What?
If only he were a bastard, my lord.
Then, one day, you would be king.
Ah, yes, I would be king.
And then what?
You'd rule the world, my lord!
And that's only half of it.
It's just not fair, you know.
Every other woman in the world
has bastard sons, but not my mother.
Oh, no! She's just too damn pure.
She daren't even look downwards
in case she notices her own breasts.
The injustice of it
sears my heart to the core.
Ooh, and, um, you won't forget
to come and meet
this Scots chap, will you, Edmund?
Thank you. No, I won't forget.
No. Jolly good.
Who is this damn Scotsman, anyway?
His name is MacAngus. Hmm, typical!
He's won great victories,
apparently.
Oh, yes, that's what they all say.
They should be back here
fighting the peasants,
particularly Scottish peasants.
Half of them
can't even speak English.
What do they speak?
I don't know. It's all Greek to me.
They speak Greek?
No, I mean it sounds like Greek.
Well, if it sounds like Greek,
it probably is Greek.
Well, if it sounds like Greek,
It's not Greek.
But it sounds like Greek.
What's not Greek, but sounds
like Greek? That's a good one, sir.
Look, it's not meant
to be a brainteaser, Percy!
I'm simply telling you
that I cannot understand
a blind word they're saying.
Well, no wonder, sir.
You never learned Greek, of course.
Percy, have you ever wondered
what your insides look like?
Sometimes, sir, yes.
Then I'm perfectly willing
to satisfy your curiosity.
Now, get out, both of you,
and leave me to sort out
this mincing rabble.
Don't forget about the Scotsman,
my lord. No, I won't! I won't! Go on, out!
Oh, but, Baldrick? My lord?
You'd better go and get
Bernard the Bear Baiter.
Looks like we'll be needing him.
Certainly, my lord.
Oh, and tell him
to bring a bear this time.
The improvising last year
was pathetic.
Did anyone tell my son Edmund
about the arrival of the Scotsman?
Yes, Father, I did.
FANFARE PLAYS
Sorry I'm late. I do wish people
would remind me of these things.
Good day, Edmund.
Luckily, the Scotsman
has not yet arrived. Huh! Typical!
And how are the entertainments
to be this year, Edmund?
Ah. I'm afraid they're looking
a little... spartan.
What, Greek?
I'm afraid the eunuchs
can't make it.
Oh, dear! They are in Chester
and dare not make the journey in
this inclement weather, apparently.
No balls - that's their problem.
Yes. Well spotted, Henry.
FANFARE PLAYS
My liege!
Dougal MacAngus places at your feet
the spoils of an enemy at w*r.
Thank you, most noble knight.
More foreign rubbish
cluttering up the castle.
You've won a great victory.
All England praises you. My lady.
This is Henry, my son,
Prince of Wales.
I am delighted to meet you.
Well done.
My lord.
And my son Edmund, Duke of York.
I'm sorry you could not join us
in the fight, Your Highness.
I hear you're a great swordsman.
Flattery will get you nowhere,
I'm afraid.
But of course,
no swordsman is a true swordsman
till proved in the heat of battle.
No doubt you've been back here
fighting the w*r against poverty.
Well, I've been fighting the poor,
if that's what you mean.
Fit action for a prince
of the realm, I suppose.
Fitter for a minor Scottish lord,
I'd have thought,
but you were away
collecting carpets.
Enough of this friendly banter!
MacAngus... My lord?
You have served your country well
and must be rewarded. Absolutely.
EDMUND TUTS As you know,
my son Edmund owns many lands
in your native Scotland.
Aye. They're some of the finest
and the most fertile.
And so let me tell you
what I have decided.
In recompense for your great service
against the Spaniards,
I have resolved to give to you
those very lands
till now administered by my son
to have and to treat as your own,
the taxes collected from them
to be yours. My lord.
Sorry
could you say that again?
Did you not hear me, Edmund? No.
I'm giving all your lands
in Scotland to MacAngus.
Is there anything you wish to say?
Erm, no. Oh, no, that's fine.
I mean, I think I've administered
the lands pretty well.
But if you think that
some bearded Gaelic warthog
ought to be handed them on a platter
for slaughtering a couple of
syphilitic Spaniards,
then that's fine by me, obviously.
Good.
MacAngus, I wish you to accept
these lands as my gift to you.
My lord, I'm deeply honoured.
EDMUND SCOFFS.
Perhaps you'd care to join us
for tonight's celebrations.
I would be delighted.
And I hope your son recovers
his good humour for tonight.
Oh, under all that bluster,
he's a very forgiving soul.
I'm going to k*ll him
and I'm going to k*ll him now!
How, my lord? Thieving Scots rat!
I'm going to s*ab him.
Erm, where?
In the great hall,
and in the bladder. Ah.
But if you s*ab him
in front of everyone,
won't the finger of blame point
rather firmly in your direction?
I don't care!
I think your father likes MacAngus,
and if he suspected
you had harmed him,
he'd cut you off without a penny.
Ah, yes. Yes, perhaps you're right.
Yes, we need something more cunning.
I have a cunning plan.
Yes, perhaps, but I think
I may have a more cunning one.
Mine's pretty cunning, my lord. Yes,
but not cunning enough, I imagine.
Depends how cunning you mean.
I mean pretty damn cunning!
Mine's quite cunning, my lord.
All right, then, let's hear it.
Let's hear what's so damn cunning!
Well, my lord, first,
you ask him to come with you...
Oh, yes! Very cunning.
Brilliantly cunning.
I ask him to come with me
and then s*ab him, perhaps.
How cunning can you get?
No, my lord, you get a cannon...
Oh, I see! Take him outside.
Get him to stick his head down
a cannon, blow it off.
Oh, yes, Baldrick!
That's a wonderful idea!
Percy, give me your glove.
Open!
Now shut up!
No, I think I may have a plan
that will give us
a little more... entertainment.
HE CHUCKLES EVILLY
THEY CHUCKLE EVILLY
KNOCK AT DOOR
Hmm.
Ow!
VOICES APPROACH Ah!
KNOCK AT DOOR Come in!
EDMUND SCREAMS What's that?!
They're slaughtering the swine,
I think.
Is everything all right?
I've put a nice warm bedpan
in your bed.
Ah, thank you, Your Majesty.
Oh, by the way, I met my father
on the way home through France.
He sends his kindest regards to you.
Ah! Have we met before?
I believe so, yes.
He's the rd Duke of Argyll.
Oh, yes. Of course, yes.
I believe you two knew each other
when you were younger.
I beg your pardon?
Oh! Oh, yes, we did!
Mm!
Yes, well, I'm sorry,
I have a lot to see to.
If you will excuse me...
Your Majesty.
Arrgh! Arrgh! You bloody fool! What
the hell do you think you're doing?
I'd ask you the same question,
Your Royal Highness!
Well, I was wanting a hand off
with this helmet, wasn't I?
But I heard you
sliming around my mother
like some kilted anaconda.
I didn't like to disturb in case
I came between you and a dukedom.
I'd like to see you come
between me and anything!
Oh! Oh!
No. No, you're right. I'm sorry.
Besides, the reason I'm here
is to ask a favour of you.
Uh-huh?
Um, I was wondering if you'd like
to help with the party tonight.
How? By staying away, do you mean?
MACANGUS CHUCKLES.
HE CHUCKLES INSINCERELY
No. No, I thought I might devise
a little loyal tribute to my mother
in the form of a play
a drama or something,
and I was wondering
if you'd like to partake at all.
Oh, well, I warn you, I'm no actor,
but, aye, I'll help if you like.
Well, there shouldn't be
much acting required.
The play is called
The Death Of The Scotsman.
You can... you can play
the Scotsman
who dies at the end of the play.
Thank you. Ah. Well,
I'm very good at acting dead.
Now, that I can do.
Well, as I say, there
there may not be
much acting required.
MEDIEVAL MUSIC PLAYS
SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
MACANGUS SNORES
Ah! You fool, MacAngus!
What the devil do you think
you're doing?
I enjoy the juice of a few grapes,
Your Highness.
Yes, I think a few vineyards have
slipped down your gullet tonight.
How did it go?
Oh, er, it was all right.
I don't think
they really understood it, you know.
Come on.
Let's go through your lines.
Lines? What lines? Oh, my God!
If he doesn't do his part,
the whole plan goes out the window.
You two, you better get out there
and start the play.
I'll stay and get this animal awake.
Go on! Off you go!
MACANGUS SNORES.
Oh, and Baldrick, I wouldn't be
too funny if I were you.
APPLAUSE
Today, fair Buttock,
the birthday is of that beloved
and much sainted dame who rules
this land with queenly name.
'Tis so, my lord.
The land is full of great rejoicing.
Aye, thou art aright, Buttock.
Aye, and a left one, too,
if truth be known.
'Tis true. But, look,
here comes our noble prince.
APPLAUSE
Hail, my lord!
Hast thou heard
a Scotsman is about the town
who curses thy mother
and calls thee a clown?
Yes, I have! My Lord, it is he.
What in the name of God?
Aha! Hail to thee, Scotsman! Hmm?
Hail to thee, Scotsman!
And when I say I am the prince,
and today the birthday is
of my mother the Queen,
dost thou say, "I care not"?
Erm, aye, aye, aye. Ha!
Then I do challenge thee to a fight.
And dost thou accept the challenge?
Aye! Oh!
Didn't you give him the trick sword?
Erm, yes, my lord. Ah, good.
HE SCREAMS I am dead!
Curses be upon thy head!
Take him away! Let him be hung!
As for me, my life is done!
To the gallows!
What are you doing?!
Shut up and get off.
APPLAUSE
Now, remember, I want him dead.
Whatever happens, k*ll him.
When we get to the hanging,
the noose has a safety hook
attached to MacAngus's clothing.
You must remove it,
and then he will hang,
like the rat that he is.
If he survives,
you both die tonight.
Go!
We must be sure
this villain is well hung.
I care not if he is well hung,
so long as he is hung well.
SHE WHISPERS
Mother seems to be enjoying it,
anyway. Mm.
I gave her a wee surprise
this afternoon.
Oh, yes?
Today is going to be
full of surprises.
I met my father
on the way back through France.
Apparently, he and your mother
used to... Waaaugh!
Look, don't be absurd.
Such activities are
totally beyond my mother.
My father only got anywhere with her
because he told her
it was a cure for diarrhoea.
You think she's that pure?
I've got news for you.
And I've got a noose for you.
I've got some letters I took from
my father's tent before I left.
They're from your mother
and by God, they're hot stuff!
HE CHUCKLES
They certainly cast
a wee shadow of doubt
over the parenthood of young Henry,
for a start.
Look, don't be so absu...
What? You heard!
Letters? Letters? Where are
these letters? Where are they?
Hold off! Hold off!
What's the hurry?
They're hidden away.
Is this the Scotsman coming hither?
Excuse me. I'm on!
But where are these letters
you speak of? Where are they?
Don't worry. Don't worry.
I'll show you them later.
All right? All right. Hurry up.
Psst!
Psst!
Oh!
Thou hast committed
the vilest crime,
and now must die before thy time.
Prepare thy neck
for the deadly rope,
and forthwith abandon hope.
Oh!
Er, here on Earth,
thy time is done.
By the laws of God, thou art hung.
Wooh!
Stop the hanging! Wooh!
I am the ghost of the dead prince,
come to plead the mercy of the Scot.
Wooh!
The plea is noble, ghostly prince,
but the law must have revenge.
No, no! Let him go!
Erm, fair Buttock, we must not let
this ghost stop us from our purpose.
Remember what
thy prince said earlier.
I'm sorry. No, no! No, look...
No, look, there's been
a change of plan!
We must hang him!
No, you mustn't! Yes, we must!
No, you mustn't! Yes, we must!
No, you mustn't! Yes, we must!
Arrgh!
Oh, my God! Are you all right?
Let me go, you fools! No!
I must let not thee
blunt my resolve.
I'll blunt you!
Oh!
Now, look, get down.
We've changed the plan.
No. Yes. No! Yes!
No! Yes! All right, go on!
Ha!
Ah! Ah! Ah!
No!
Oh, look. Oh!
All right, come on.
That's what you think
you're going to do, is it? Yeah.
That's what you think?
Oh, my God! Oh!
FINAL FANFARE PLAYS.
You all right? HE CROAKS.
APPLAUSE
THEY CHUCKLE
Very good.
THEY LAUGH EVILLY
Excellent! It's certainly
my mother's handwriting.
When did you say these were written?
'. The year my brother was born.
THEY CHUCKLE
Baldrick, get in here.
Baldrick, sound an alarum
and tell everyone
in the immediate court
to gather in the great hall
at nine tomorrow morning.
Why, my lord? Why? Because I've told
you to, you snivelling little rat.
No, why should they gather?
Oh, I see.
Tell them it concerns
the heir to the throne.
I'm particularly keen that
His Royal Highness Prince Henry
himself should be there.
He may be the son,
but no longer the heir.
THEY CHUCKLE EVILLY
BALDRICK JOINS IN Get out.
BOTH LAUGH
God, how I hate the Scots.
How much longer must I wait?
Why in the devil's name did that
brother of yours summon the court?
I'm really not sure. I think it might
be something to do with the drains.
FANFARE PLAYS
Good morning, everyone! Ah, Edmund!
I hope you can explain yourself.
Oh, I can, Father. I can.
Please be seated, everybody. Please.
Mother, Father, brother Henry
yesterday,
there came into my possession
from the hands, my lord,
of your faithful servant,
Dougal MacAngus,
whose services have won our kingdom
such glory abroad...
Get on with it, Edmund!
Certain letters
rather extraordinary letters
concerning the lineage
of Prince Henry.
Letters? What's so extraordinary
about them? Letters?
Well, Henry,
they were written by your mother
to your father.
Oh! CHUCKLING.
Your father, Henry,
being, of course,
Donald, rd Duke of Argyll.
What the devil?! Help her, Baldrick.
These letters are of
quite an intimate nature.
Let me give you an example.
"My dear Hairy-wary"
"often, as you sit at table
with my husband"
"probing deeply into
the affairs of state,"
"I long for the day
when you will probe..."
Stop! Oh! My God! Enough of this!
Edmund, cease this outrage at once!
My beloved father,
whose first-born legitimate son
will also rule the land of England,
Wales, Scotland and Ireland,
these letters speak of acts of love
between your wife
and Donald the Gay Dog of the Glens.
"How I long to be in that kingdom
between the saffron sheets
"where you and your ruler
are the only rulers..." Oh!
And then acts of love, consummation.
"Oh, you enormous Scotsman!" Etc.
And these letters are dated
November and December ,
which, Henry, in relation
to your date of birth,
is precisely nine months be...
After I was born.
But about nine months
before your birth, Edmund.
You stupid bastard.
No, I think you're the bastard,
Edmund.
Quiet!
I will have an explanation!
My lord, the reason
I have gathered you all here today
is to try to get
some proper justice meted out
against this Scottish swine,
who has clearly forged
these obviously fake letters.
Let me see them.
No, I rip them up in his face,
so no hint of that filthy slander
can remain.
You come in here, fresh from
slaughtering a couple of wops
when their backs were turned,
and you think you can upset
the harmony of a whole kingdom?
I challenge you to a duel!
To the death! Erm
yes, all right.
No! Yes!
This outrage has struck at
the very foundations of our kingdom.
If you will not settle it
for me in words,
then settle it by the sword.
Fight, here and now,
and to the death.
Lord Percy, fetch the swords.
Get the trick sword.
What? Get the sword he had
in the play last night.
Oh, one of these handles is cracked.
I'll, erm...
I'll replace it with another.
I hope they have a dunghill in
the Highlands ready for your corpse.
I need have no fear of a bastard.
Death will silence
his lying Scottish tongue.
Ah! Ha!
MACANGUS CHUCKLES
HE GASPS
Yarrgh!
Yarrgh! SCREAMING.
LAUGHTER
Die, Scotsman!
HE GASPS
You asked for the trick sword.
Don't...!
So, you tried to fob me off
with a wee trick sword, did you?!
No!
Spare my son.
Very well.
I will be merciful
if Edmund himself begs for mercy.
Plead on bended knees for your life.
Repent your accusation of treason
against me.
Condone your father's gift
of your Scottish lands to me,
and swear you will never set foot
in them in your life,
or it will be your death.
I plead... for God's mercy.
I have been treacherous,
selfish and disloyal.
I've allowed the spirit of evil
into my heart,
and it has set me against mother,
brother and friend.
I beg your forgiveness.
I'm in awe of your courage,
and wish you nothing but happiness
and success with your new charge.
MACANGUS LAUGHS
Baldrick, I think
I'm going to castrate you.
But first... HE WHISPERS.
But... Do as I say!
Go with him.
Hey, it'll take some of
the spice out of life, eh,
not being able to pass laws
over Scotland?
Yes.
I wouldn't pass water over Scotland.
Is Lord MacAngus
leaving this morning?
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
Yes, my dear. I believe he is.
He has much work to see to
in Scotland.
Well, isn't it nice
the way things sometimes turn out?
I must say, I thought Edmund behaved
himself awfully well yesterday.
Almost rather unlike him, in a way.
But then he can be such a sweet boy.
Ooh, by the way, those letters
turned out to be French forgeries.
And, apparently, Edmund has actually
found a Frenchman who admitted to it.
Oh, good.
And now he and MacAngus
are on awfully good terms.
As you can see, the fields stretch
right out to the wood there...
Ah... just beneath the hill.
Magnificent.
And then, of course,
this is one of my own cannons.
KNOCK AT DOOR Come!
Ah, Percy, I wondered
if you'd be so kind
as to have this letter
delivered for me. Yes, my lady.
Oh, I think Lord MacAngus
is just about to leave.
Oh! Thank you, Percy.
Now, where's Edmund?
I believe he's giving Lord MacAngus
a last look around the castle.
Oh, how nice!
expl*si*n Lord preserve us!
The Spaniards! The drains!
Mother, Father,
you must come quickly!
There's been
a terrible accident! Oh!
Blackadder theme song.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING
I thought it was going
to be terrible
because pilots normally are,
but I absolutely loved it.
Very strange,
seeing someone else play Baldrick.
We're so used to Tony playing him.
But it was so funny
all the way through.
Really, like...
And quite high-budget, as well,
like, the costumes and the set
and everything.
Well, that was a damn sight funnier
than I thought it was going to be!
I mean, it certainly
exceeded expectations there.
It's better than
I thought it would be.
I think there are
some lovely performances
by people who we didn't see again.
I was... I would say
I was pleasantly surprised
and strangely familiar
with a piece of work about which
I have no memories at all!
So, that's it -
the very first Blackadder.
What a treat!
Was every sentence perfect?
Well, probably not.
But that's not really
the point, is it?
The fact is,
we could never have made
all the four series that we did
if it hadn't been for that pilot.
It's a little bit
of television history,
which I'm very proud
to have been part of.
Eventually.
Blackadder theme song
played on organ.
LAUGHTER