[instrumental music]
Dad, how come every time
Mary and Doug go in their room
they lock the door?
Oh, well, that's because, um..
Uh.. Well, you don't really
wanna know that. Do you?
Oh, alright, then, uh,
I'll tell you.
Uh, what it is, is, uh..
You see, I wasn't
really expecting
to have to go through this
with you for a few more years
'but, uh..'
Alright, I'll explain it
to you right now.
Now, just sit down.
You are, so, stay there.
Uh, here's what it is.
Um, it's-it's interesting,
you'll be fascinated.
What it is, is
that, uh, everybody..
uh, worms, fish
birds, the bees, everybody..
Alright, here's what..
Are you listening?
Uh, people grow up.
And when they grow up
they fall in love
and they want to be close.
So they can smooch.
I know all that.
- You do?
- Uh-huh.
I know that, you know that,
everybody else knows that.
So, why do they have
to lock the door?
Well, because they don't know
that we know
what they know.
Oh, then I guess
we better not tell them.
My lips are sealed.
Ahh.
[theme music]
[music continues]
[indistinct chatter]
[instrumental music]
- Hi.
- Hi.
Fischer versus Spassky.
I can see.
Doug, do you want
another sandwich?
Not until
I beat Dr. Maxwell.
Future psychiatrist
trying to psych me out.
Two moves, just two
more moves, that's all.
Two moves. Good luck.
How come you keep
dragging Doug
to these quaint little
family gatherings, Mary?
I'm not dragging him, Nancy.
He happens to enjoy quaint.
Oh, I don't know.
I could think of plenty
of better things to do.
Oh, yes,
I can see it now.
Nancy and her beloved on some
quiet lonely street all alone.
Window shopping.
Hurry up and win somebody.
Checkmate.
Come on, Doug.
Alright!
[shouting]
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, sorry.
Why don't we use the old
Statue of Liberty play?
Old is right!
Prehistoric is more right.
Now, Tommy,
you take the ball.
David, you play long.
And, Doug, you stay back
and block, alright?
- Got it.
- Okay. On one, two.
- Alright.
- Let's go.
(all)
Yeah!
[indistinct chatter]
Lucky at chess,
but unlucky at football.
Watch the hostility, doctor.
Your youth fixation is showing.
Okay, now, one, two!
[indistinct shouting]
[pants]
[laughing]
Well, I guess I better watch out
for that youth fixation of mine.
- Really.
- Sorry, I knocked you down..
Hey, Tom.
I, I can't move
my right leg.
Stay cool, you've got
a doctor and a half here.
Can you move your toes?
Uh-uh, they're numb.
Why, what's the matter?
What happened?
Looks like he might
have a sprained ankle.
No, hold on.
You see that?
- Oh, yeah.
- Maybe a fractured tibia.
'I think we better
get some X-rays.'
You mean it's broken?
It can't be.
What's it say?
I can't read it.
"Roses are red,
violets are blue
take two aspirin,
phone me in the morning."
I'm a doctor,
not a poet.
Do you want another pillow?
Yeah, this thing itches
and I can't get comfortable.
Well, that'll pass.
In about a week, you should
be able to manage the steps
with the crutches.
Well, if he can do that
why can't he manage
the steps at school?
Five weeks is an
awfully long time.
Yeah, but at his age
Tommy should stay off it
as much as possible
if you want a perfect mend.
Oh, I don't mind
missing school, dad.
Yeah, but school minds
missing you.
Their policy is to
send over a tutor.
A tutor? Terrific!
I can hardly wait.
Listen, as I recall
your last report card
a tutor would be
a lucky break.
Gee, two breaks
in one day.
Here you go.
Well, I'mma go upstairs
and see if Tommy needs anything.
Ah, he doesn't need anything.
He gets a whole room
to himself.
I'm stuck with dad.
- Oh.
- Cheer up, kid.
Dad only snores at night.
[giggles]
How old were you
when you got your own room?
I always had my own room.
Remember?
I was born first.
It must have been fun
to be born first.
Hmm-mm. Yeah.
I was the first
to get spanked
uh, first to get the measles
and, uh, the first to get
grounded for breaking curfew.
I bet nobody ever called
you the baby of the family.
Drink your milk.
You'll grow up faster.
I mean, he did ask you
to the movie, didn't he?
What do you mean
not in so many words?
[doorbell dings]
Will somebody
get the door?
That must be Doug.
Uh, Elizabeth,
will you turn
the oven off
at :, please?
'Can't you see
I'm on the phone?'
Yes, I can see
you're on the phone
but there's a roast in the oven
and it has to come out at :.
Sure.
Yeah, I'm still here.
- Hey.
- Hello.
I'm Sandra Sue Abbott,
I'm here to tutor Tom Bradford.
- Tom?
- Mmm.
- Tommy. You're from school?
- Tommy.. Uh-huh.
Hi. Come on in.
I'll take you upstairs.
Hey, Mary,
come on, honey, we're late.
Hi, uh, Elizabeth, would
you please get off the phone
and take Mrs. Abbott upstairs?
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
(Joannie)
'Elizabeth! Elizabeth!
Where are you?'
Oh, you asked him.
I see.
- Hi. I'm here to tutor Tom.
- Hi.
- Tom? Oh, you mean Tommy.
- Tommy, yes.
Well, I'll take you up to him.
- Just a second, okay?
- Okay
Elizabeth, I've been looking
all over for my new bracelet.
You have it.
Can't anyone have
a conversation around here?
Sure. Just give me back
my bracelet, please.
Excuse me. Would, uh..
Could, uh..
I'll just go on up, okay?
Oh, hi.
Oh, hello.
Hey, listen, do, do you
live here too?
Sure. Second floor,
third door on the right.
Well, would you mind telling me
how to find a Tommy Bradford?
I'll see you later.
Um, I'm just gonna go on up.
(Nicholas)
'Who broke my football?'
You're too young to be Tommy.
I'm Nicholas.
Tommy has a broken leg.
- Yeah.
- Do you know how to do this?
I certainly do, and I will,
if you take me to Tommy.
- It's a deal.
- Okay. Let's go.
Oh.
Hey, heads up, heads up.
Hi. Tommy, right?
I'm, uh, I'm Mrs. Abbott,
your new teacher.
- Oh, hi.
- Oh, hi.
Hi, Mrs. Abbott.
I'm Susan, Tommy's sister.
- Oh, another one.
- Yeah.
Five girls and three boys.
Oh, well, that should
make things easier, right?
Um, each one of you
could take a subject.
Susan, how 'bout English?
That'd be Joannie.
That'd be Joannie, okay.
Uh, how 'bout science?
(Susan)
'Oh, Mary is so good
at science.'
Oh, I'd be best at coaching
Tommy in high jump.
Well, that's, uh,
that's really clever.
Um, how 'bout Social Studies?
Sure, why not.
Yeah, well, it's gonna be tough
remembering all your names.
It's easy.
Dumb Martians just sit
nearby eating tender noodles.
I beg your pardon.
David, Mary, Joannie, Susan
Nancy, Elizabeth,
Tommy, Nicholas.
I'm noodles.
[chuckles]
A noodle, alright.
I've never had this much
homework in my whole life.
It's classwork, Tommy,
you gotta keep up.
But I've got a broken leg.
You don't study
with your leg.
It hurts and it itches.
Look, Tommy,
I've seen your records
and they are pretty raunchy,
pal.
But, uh, of course,
if you want to lose a year
just, uh, lie back and keep
griping about your tough luck.
Yeah, well, maybe I'm just dumb.
No, dumb is for David.
You're supposed to
be tender, remember.
Come on, Tommy,
get your act together.
I mean, um, with all
the help you've got around here
you should be doing
a lot better.
Oh, hello, Mrs. Abbot.
I'm Tom Bradford,
Tommy's father.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
Well, first days are
always a little rough, but, uh..
Hey, incidentally,
we need someone to coach Tommy
in plane geometry,
so maybe you could, uh..
Oh, sure.
Uh, geometry was never exactly
my best subject.
Well, give it a shot.
Okay?
[Tom sighs]
So long, Tommy.
- Bye, Mr. Bradford.
- So long.
[chuckles]
- Well, uh, how did it go, son?
- Alright, I guess.
- Is she a good teacher?
- She's gnarly.
She's gnarly?
Is that good or bad?
Listen, uh, I'll deny this
if you quote me but, I, uh..
I really like the way
you've taken charge of Mary.
Have I done that?
Oh-oh, anybody who can
get Mary to give up
pre-law school
for pre-med school
believe me, has taken charge.
[chuckles]
Well, I just think
Mary would rather ride
in an ambulance
than chase one.
Don't get me wrong,
I want what's best for Mary.
It's just that, well,
I was wondering if either of you
had given any thought to
what happens after school.
Sure, I'm going to be
an analyst
and Mary's gonna
be a pediatrician.
'We think that'll
make a pretty good team.'
Two doctors in one family.
And neither one of them
can play ping-pong.
I think I detect
a challenge there.
That's right.
[instrumental music]
[knocking on door]
Can I stay in here?
Mrs. Abbott is giving
Tommy a test and..
Uh, Nicholas, I've told you
not to interrupt me
when I'm studying.
I thought you stopped
studying and started kissing.
[clears throat]
Nicholas..
[chuckling]
Ah, why don't we,
uh, go to your place?
Can't. My roommate's
got the shade down.
You ought to get
a new roommate.
[chuckles]
[dishes clinking]
Hey, try not to break all
the dishes at once, okay?
Well, if they break,
blame Mary.
What? Oh. Oh, yeah,
that makes a lot of sense.
Dad, it's just not fair.
I mean, tonight's her night
for K.P.
and she's upstairs
goofing around with Doug.
Oh, come on, honey.
Mary has pinch hit
for us plenty of times.
I mean, you got to
realize it that she
and Doug are, uh, well,
they are, uh..
I wouldn't be surprised
if they announced
their engagement
pretty soon.
No kidding? Huh.
Engagement, huh?
You know, uh,
that'll mean a shower.
That's right, kiddo.
Shower. Aah-aah!
Oh.
[Tom laughing]
Ah, parting is
such sweet sorrow.
You know what's weird?
We can be together all day
then one of us has to leave
and all I can think about
is being with him again.
- I've known the feeling.
- I know you have, dad.
That's why I know I can tell
you something very important.
Please try and understand.
Oh, you don't have to
try to sell me on Doug.
I've liked him right from
the very beginning.
Are you leading up to
the announcement
that my oldest daughter
is leaving the nest?
We're looking for
an apartment tomorrow.
Oh, well,
do you think you should put
the apartment
ahead of the vows?
I mean, shouldn't you
discuss wedding plans first?
We're not getting
married, daddy.
We're gonna
live together.
[music continues]
Do you remember
Madge Clayburgh and Phil Myers?
They were the Doug
and Mary of our generation.
Okay, so it's nothing new.
They lived together
for years.
I don't think
they ever had an argument
until they got married.
That's what broke it up.
If they had been married.
If it had been the real thing.
They might have
split after one year.
Look, Tom..
Doug and Mary
are not quitting school
and joining a commune.
We're not talking about
what they're not doing.
We're talking about
what they're doing.
If it were my daughter
I would give her my blessing.
Oh, I see, that's interesting.
There's one little thing though.
It's not your daughter,
It's my daughter.
Picky, picky.
[emergency brake creaking]
Hi, uh, Joan.
Uh, Joannie.
- No, Mary. This is Doug.
- Hi.
Uh, yeah, but, uh,
I could only give Tommy
about ten minutes
on political science.
I know he needs more but I'm
busy looking for an apartment.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, it's not easy
findin' a cheap vacancy
near the university.
Oh, I live near there.
Compton.
Hey, you know, I think there's
a vacancy in my building.
Oh, yeah?
Maybe we should go
check it out.
- Compton?
- Right.
Thanks.
The door's open.
Okay, thanks.
Hey, good luck.
- Thank you. Bye.
- Bye.
I can't understand it.
Tommy is, uh,
a really bright kid, and..
[chuckles]
I always thought
I was a pretty good teacher.
But it's almost
as if he doesn't care.
Hmm.
Well, I'll just have to
give him another one of my
"Let's win this one
for the Gipper talks."
[chuckles]
If the bottom line is that
he has to repeat another year
well, then that's just
what he's gonna have to do.
No, that's no good.
You don't want him to start
a pattern like that.
Look, um, I think that there's
something more involved here
than just the broken leg.
'His records show that he
hasn't done well all semester.'
I know.
You see, for the first time
in Tommy's life
his mother isn't around here
to help him when he's down.
The first time?
Gee, I, uh..
I never thought to ask, um..
I just assumed that Mrs.
Bradford had died some time ago.
No, it wasn't long ago.
We were all hit very hard but..
I think maybe
Tommy was hit the hardest.
He and Joan were very close.
I see, uh..
His mother dies and, uh..
...and it's his first year
in high school
and, and he breaks his leg.
'No wonder he's in a slump.'
It all adds up, doesn't it?
Look, you're in
the teaching business.
What can we do to
turn Tommy around?
Well, uh, from my end, I guess
I just, uh, keep on truckin'
only, uh, now with a little more
patience and understanding.
And what about my end?
Well, you're in
the father business.
I guess, you'll just have to
work some of your
own kind of magic.
Oh, gosh.
I tell you lately my
magic hasn't been so hot.
[chuckles]
[sighs]
[clinking]
[dramatic music]
Mm, hold on.
We, uh, we have to
make a list of the furniture
we're gonna need.
Uh, a bed.
A bed. Come on,
would you be serious?
We have to plan a budget.
Ah, who needs a budget.
I can more than
cover everything.
[chuckles]
Uh-uh.
We split everything
down the middle.
I've got some money saved
and I've also got
a part-time lab job at school.
What's the difference
who pays?
The difference is between
being a partner and a mistress.
And, if I'm going
to be a mistress
then I want a yacht
membership in
the country club, a fur coat.
Oh, yes.
I think I get the point..
...partner.
[crickets creaking]
[chuckles]
[sighs]
J-Joannie.
Uh, you startled me.
Heh-he. I wasn't expecting to
find you here.
Uh, why are you here?
Uh, no reason.
No reason.
I just, uh..
I just, uh..
Well, you know, actually
I was wondering how Mary
put up with this dump
for so long, you know?
'I mean, it's awful.'
Awful?
You know, awful is not
the word for this room.
I mean, this room is
downright depressing.
It's no wonder
Mary's moving out.
Oh, I know.
I know.
I mean-I mean, look
it is so cramped in here
and everything.
Look at those curtains.
[scoffs]
Very tacky.
Heh-he.
Really.
Poor exposure to the sun.
And it's a much longer hike to
the bathroom than from our room.
You're right.
And with the stairs right there,
all that foot traffic
'it must get very noisy
in here.'
Definitely the low
rent district.
Oh, why would anybody want to
stay here?
Na.
Tsk.
It's awful.
Downright depressing.
[guitar music]
Well, at least your music
homework is coming along.
Alright, Tommy.
[sighs]
Did you get any
studying done?
I can't concentrate
for more than a couple
of minutes at a time.
Oh.
You have something more
important on your mind?
A few things.
You think about mom?
- Sometimes.
- Me too.
A lot.
Sometimes it gets so bad I..
...can't get my work done.
I just get to thinking
and it's, like
what's the use of anything?
You know, I, uh..
I found a way to
get passed that.
I reach back into
my memories..
...and I pick out
one of a million great moments
that I had with mom
and I just think about that
until I start feeling better.
Maybe it'll work for you.
[women chattering]
[knocking on door]
Come in, come in.
[indistinct chattering]
Nicholas! What're you
doing up?
They woke me up arguing.
- About Mary's room, dad.
- Yeah, dad. Now, who gets it?
- I'm the oldest.
- I'm the loudest.
I'm the smallest.
I'm the sorriest.
- Mary's room is staying as is.
- 'But, dad..'
I don't want to
discuss it anymore.
Go to bed, Nicholas.
Dad, if I make enough money,
can I build my own room?
Yeah, sure.
Thanks, dad.
Goodnight.
Good grief, daddy,
you're not even facing reality.
Mary's not coming back,
you know.
'It's like burying
your head in the sand.'
I just want to bury my head
in this book.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight, daddy.
- Hi, dad.
- Oh, hi. Where are you going?
- To Mary's.
- Oh.
I think you are spending too
much time at Mary's place.
Oh, boy.
I bet if they were married
you wouldn't care
how much time
I spend over there.
You're absolutely right,
young lady.
While you are admiring
Mary's lifestyle
try to remember that both of you
are products of my lifestyle.
Good morning.
Why can't you admit that
Mary has the right to do--
That's enough, Elizabeth.
Let's not play last word.
- Good morning, Mrs. Abbott.
- Hi.
Hi.
Even Mrs. Abbott approves
of what Mary's doing.
- What do I approve of?
- What're you talking about?
She found them their apartment
in her own building.
Is that true?
Well, I-I did mention that there
was a vacancy in my building.
Yeah, I mean..
Well, thanks a lot,
Mrs. Abbott.
Well, what was wrong
with that?
Look, you're in
the teaching business
I'm in the parent business.
Please, try to
remember that.
[instrumental music]
[sighs]
Comin' to bed?
No.
Organic chemistry.
Well, uh, wanna try
a little practical lab work?
Listen, gorgeous, I've got to
get at least a B on this exam.
Well, okay.
If you need me, just whistle.
[whistles]
Okay.
Say, what happened
to that report?
What report?
The one you were typing for me,
it's due tomorrow.
Uh, it, Doug, I forgot.
Uh, I'll do it now, okay?
- What about organic chemistry?
- Later.
- I'm sorry, Mary.
- Don't be sorry, it's my fault.
Listen, uh, why don't you
get away from me
before I start
whistling, okay?
[laughing]
Okey-dokey, Joannie,
the kid is set.
Alright.
Heh.
I don't think he's gonna make
enough to build his new room
but, at least,
he cleaned her closets out.
Really?
Hey, hey, hey.
Nicholas, those are
your Sunday clothes.
Yeah, your never-worn
Sunday clothes, kid, huh?
I know, but I think
people rather do business
with a guy in a tie.
- Oh.
- What?
[chuckling]
Well, good luck there,
businessman. Catch you later.
Yeah, make a lot of money, huh.
Okay?
'Don't go too far.'
- Oh, hello, Mrs. Abbott.
- Mr. Bradford.
Listen, I owe you
an apology.
What happened is,
I was upset with Elizabeth
and you happened to
cross our line of fire.
You see, in this family
we sh**t from the hip
and then, we say we're sorry.
I'm beginning to
get that impression.
Eh, so, uh,
could we have a truce..
'Mrs. Abbott?'
On one condition.
We forget the Mrs. Abbott,
Mr. Bradford bit.
See, it, uh,
it makes me uncomfortable.
Oh, me too.
Tom.
Abby. Oh and uh,
just for the record see, I
I mentioned the vacant
apartment because I thought
Doug and Mary were
gonna be married.
- You did?
- I did. I gotta go.
Oh, and, uh, by the way
I understand
Mary's point of view
but, uh, I agree with you.
So, hang in there.
It was here yesterday.
So, was this cheese Danish?
Maybe it got hungry
and ate the report.
Very funny.
[phone ringing]
Mr. Bradford's office.
Hi, Mary.
'Yeah. Oh, yeah, hold on.'
Just one second.
Hello, Mary. How are you?
Friday night for dinner?
Well, I, uh,
let me check my calendar.
Uh-uh, Friday night
I have an interview
at o'clock
'and I-I'm not sure
what time I'll be through.'
Next week?
Gee, next week looks pretty
heavy, Mary, uh..
Well, I'll..
I'll-I'll call you, alright?
Thank you.
Good-bye.
Just don't say
anything, alright?
I wasn't going to
say anything at all.
Good, good.
And, before you don't
say anything
would you get me
a cup of coffee, please?
Certainly.
[brakes screeching]
Hi, Mrs. Abbott.
You like bargains?
Hiya, Nicholas.
I never could resist 'em.
Hey, that's a pretty snappy
suit you are wearing.
Wanna buy it?
Well, I think it's a..
It's a little too small
for me.
- Hey, how much is this?
- A dollar-fifty.
A dollar-fifty.
Well, if you don't want it,
I'll buy it.
Well, okay.
Wait a minute.
Nicholas, where did you
get this blouse?
From Joannie, she says
she doesn't wear it anymore.
- No wonder. It's mine.
- How 'bout a dollar?
Nicholas, you're selling
stolen merchandise.
And I'll throw in a tie.
[laughing]
Fifty cents?
[knocking on door]
Tom?
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
Tell me, uh,
do you always sit in the dark?
Oh.
No, I..
- Well, saves electricity.
- Oh.
How is Tommy?
Oh, I was, uh,
I was just going up to check.
He's alright, I guess.
Um, with the notable
exception of geometry. Heh.
Tough subject.
Hey, Tom, uh..
I-I don't mean
to pry but, um..
Well, you look like
a man with something
more than
a geometry problem.
You're right.
Mary has invited me
to dinner twice now
and, both times
I came up with weak excuses.
Oh, I see, uh,
you think that, uh
by going over there
you'll be giving her
your seal of approval?
- Is that it?
- Well, wouldn't I?
I'm trying so hard to keep
the door open here for her
but, eh, it doesn't work.
Well, maybe that's what
she's trying to do for you
over there.
Well, I've waded in this far
might as well
go all the way, right?
Look, Tom, uh,
by staying away
you're probably just, uh,
reinforcing her determination to
prove you wrong.
Mary was never short
on determination.
You don't have to approve
of her decision, you know
but, uh, you really do have to
respect her right to make it.
Abby..
Thanks for wading in.
I really mean it.
Sure.
See you later.
I asked you to peel 'em,
not perform radical surgery.
Sorry.
Look, uh, why don't you
go do your homework, okay?
We're partners, remember?
Alright, first we'll do
the housework
and then we do the homework.
I'll tell you what,
why don't I do the laundry?
No, no, no.
Last time you did
the laundry
you shrank my blouse
and bleached out
a print skirt.
- I did that?
- Mm.
[sighs]
I'm really sorry, Mary.
Maybe, subconsciously I just
don't like doing the laundry.
I hate it too, Doug.
Consciously.
But I do it right.
That's hostile.
Why don't you go lay down and
analyze yourself for a while
and let me finish
making dinner. Okay?
Now, that's really hostile.
Well, hostility
begins at home.
Mary, do you realize
what you're doing?
Yes, I'm peeling the potatoes,
that's what I'm doing.
No, you're attacking me
because your father
keeps refusing to
come over here.
Well, why don't you just
give him a chance, Doug?
He's been busy, that's all.
Oh, come on, Mary,
don't be naive.
I mean, he's playing
some sort of game
doin', doin' some kind
of head trip.
He figures that
if he stays away
you'll just come
runnin' home to daddy.
You know something?
I am sick and tired of
your head trips, Doug.
Everything has to be some kind
of Freudian truism to you.
Can't you take
anything at face value?
[dramatic music]
Tom, why is Nicholas
selling your clothes?
Oh, Greg, hi.
What're you doing here?
Look, uh, if things are that
tough, you should come to me.
Uh, listen,
what is this about, Nicholas?
Make it quick though,
I'm in a hurry.
I have to get this
peace offering ready
for Mary and Doug.
Tom, Nicholas just tried to
sell me your duck hunting shirt.
[laughing]
Nicholas tried to sell you
my duck hunting shirt?
I didn't buy it of course.
There's nothing personal,
but I assumed if you got the kid
out selling family clothes,
things might be a little tight.
My duck hunting shirt?
Relax, Tom, he's not going to
sell it so fast.
He's asking a dollar for it.
[knocking on door]
- Dad.
- Hi, Mary.
Elizabeth told me
what time you came home
so, I figured I'd take
a chance, you know.
I'm glad you did. Come in.
These were in the garage,
you know
just nobody was using them,
so, I figured
you could make use of 'em.
Dad, this is mom's
old set of dishes.
She, she hated
to replace these.
Some of them maybe chipped, but
what's the difference right?
- No difference. Thank you.
- Mmm.
Listen, uh,
how 'bout some herb tea?
We're fresh out
of dandelion root.
Herb tea?
Dandelion root?
Whatever happened to good old
fashioned coffee?
I'd even settle
for reheated.
Well, reheated or not,
coffee is expensive.
Oh, yeah, right.
Well, I'll take tea.
Oh, listen,
speaking of money
that's another reason
I came by.
You know, ever since you left
I've been saving all kinds of
money on food
about dollars
a week, so
I put it aside and
I want you to take it. Really.
Dad, no, thank you,
but we're doing fine.
Oh, alright.
Well, we're doing good too.
- Are you?
- Nicholas, oh, he is..
You know what he's doing?
He's selling my clothes.
- What?
- Up and down the street.
- 'Oh, hi.'
- Hi.
Hello.
I see you found us.
Yeah, well, they were
pretty good directions.
Doug, look what
dad brought us.
- Mom's old set of dishes.
- Very nice.
They weren't doing anybody
much good in the garage.
Um, ahem, I'll go make some tea.
Bye.
It's a nice place
you have here, Doug.
How many rooms?
[chuckles]
You're lookin' at it.
Oh, and, of course,
the kitchen and the bathroom.
Oh, well, our first
apartment wasn't much bigger.
- This is nice. Very nice.
- But not like home, huh?
- Well, I-I didn't say that.
- What are you saying?
I-I'm saying, uh,
hello, that's all.
No, you're not.
First, you won't come
around here at all.
And then you come around
trying to tell Mary
that old dishes are
better than none at all.
Boy, you have an answer
for everything, don't you?
Look, why don't you
just let us
work out our
relationship by ourselves.
By coming around
with nostalgic reminders
of what she's left behind
you're only going to
come between us.
Don't you see?
'That's what love is all about.'
'Giving someone
a little space to grow.'
Having a little respect
for their integrity.
Listen, doctor,
I've been in the business
a little longer than you,
so, you can skip the platitudes.
Nobody really knows
what love is
but it sure as hell isn't
a third year med-school subject.
Maybe it's..
Maybe it's
just being scared to death
the first time
your kid drives a car.
Or maybe it's going to
the same old
first grade play
for the eighth time
or, holding your kid tight
when his dog has been run over.
Or maybe it's just
an old set of chipped dishes.
- What's going on?
- I wish I knew.
- Afternoon, Tommy.
- Oh, hi.
Somebody's got to pick up
the middle linebacker.
Hmm?
Unless you leave a back
in to block
the quarterback
is gonna get creamed.
- You know about football?
- Mm-hmm.
My, uh, husband played
a season with the ers
and I had the choice to
either learn about the game
or not understand anything
he was talking about.
- ers, what position?
- Running back.
(Tommy)
'What's his name?'
His name, uh..
His name was Frank Abbott.
Was?
Yeah. He, um..
He became a marine pilot
and was k*lled
in action in Vietnam.
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
It's a long time ago.
Do you want me to show you a
play he used to run?
- Sure.
- Okay.
- Mind if I erase this?
- Go ahead.
[chuckling]
- This is called--
- A crossback.
Right. Okay.
Now, the quarterback
fakes to the first back
and hands off
to the second back.
Now, notice these two lines.
They intersect, right?
- Right.
- Hmm, forming, equal angles.
But only if they
run in straight lines.
Yes, well,
that's the point, see
because two intersecting
straight lines
always form equal
and opposite angles.
- That's geometry.
- Yes, well you see..
- Football is applied geometry.
- You know any more plays?
Do you know any more theorems?
[chuckles]
You know, you're pretty sneaky.
Thank you.
Yeah, I, uh, know enough
about construction
to build a addition
to the house.
I rather hire you
than a stranger.
I tell you what..
...you earn enough
for the materials
and I won't charge you
for the labor.
- Is $ enough?
- Uh, that won't quite make it.
I had $,
but dad made me give back
his duck hunting shirt.
You sold dad's
duck hunting shirt?
Yeah, to old man McGuire.
He bought it to
polish his car with.
[chuckles]
Hey. How did it go
with the doctors, Tommy?
The X-ray showed
a perfect mend.
We're gonna have
a party to celebrate.
That's great.
Hey, listen, I'll ask
Doctor Timmons to lend me a saw
and we'll take it off
right at the party.
Uh, Doctor Maxwell, are you sure
you know how to take a cast off?
Does a chicken have lips?
Uh, yeah, sure, I guess.
You weren't supposed to
answer that.
It's a rhetorical question.
- Oh.
- I'll see you later fellas.
- Bye.
- So long.
Uh, Dave..
Uh, chickens do have lips,
don't they?
[chuckles]
Do accordion players
wear pinky rings?
Yeah.
Thirty-one, thirty-two,
thirty-three.
Eighteen dollars
and thirty-three cents.
I'm afraid, we're still
a little short, Nicholas.
Wait.
Here's another quarter.
I'm sorry, champ,
but it's still not enough.
The best we could do is about,
uh, two feet square.
Two feet?
I'll have to sleep standing up.
I'll never get
a room of my own.
Hey, listen, instead of a room,
why not a whole house?
A playhouse, we can use scrap
lumber and--
Oh, boy!
My own house!
I can sleep in it and eat in it
and take all my toys in it.
I'll never have
to come home.
That might get
a little lonely.
If I get lonely,
you can come and sleep over.
Oh.
Well, thank you Nicholas.
Uh, I just might do that.
(Joannie)
'Okay, you pick up all your
toys, right?'
(Joannie)
'Okay, and will you call the
people? I mean, you know--'
(Elizabeth)
'Yeah, I will Joannie,
but who's coming.'
Oh, yeah, okay.
Um, well, there's all of us
and the Maxwells
and Mrs. Abbot, right, dad?
And, Tommy, you want
Danny and Mark here, right?
Yeah.
Right and Susan,
you bringing a date?
Well, I don't know, Joannie.
Does one bring a date to
a cast party?
Oh, very funny, very funny.
Dad, are you gonna
invite Mary and Doug?
Oh, well, I mean,
it's Tommy's party
he can have anybody he wants.
Now, listen, girls, I wanna
go all out for this party.
The sky is the limit.
- Just don't spend over $.
- 'Dad..'
[clamoring]
[indistinct chattering]
Mary and Doug aren't here yet.
Do you think they'll come?
Sure, I mean,
I know Mary wants to come.
Yeah, but, Doug's uptight about
dad, and Mary won't come alone.
Think so?
(Nicholas)
'Tommy's coming!
Tommy's coming!'
Oh, come on everybody,
Tommy's here.
Tommy's coming,
Tommy's coming!
Alright!
[all applauding]
'Yay, Doctor Max.'
[all cheering]
Bravo!
Yay, Doctor Max.
[cheering continues]
- Come on, let's have one.
- Oh.
[all girls scream]
[laughing]
- Oh.
- Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!
Man, he and David
planned that.
Ah, you stinker!
Oh, you let me at him,
I'm gonna break your other leg.
Hey, hey, hey, cut it out!
Can't you just take a joke?
- You!
- Oh!
- 'Hi.'
- Hi.
- 'Oh, my God!'
- Hi.
- Mary's here.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm glad you're here.
- 'Oh, hi, Mary.'
- How you doin'?
- Oh, good.
- Hi, Doug.
- Hi.
- You got your cast off.
- Alright.
- Alright.
- Thank you.
- Alright.
- Hey! Good, I'm really glad.
- Thank you.
- How you doin'? How are you?
- Hi, Mary.
- Hi.
- Hi, Doug.
Hi.
- Good to see you.
- Good to be here.
- Both of you.
- Thanks.
You know, I was telling
someone the other day
we Bradfords are all alike.
We sh**t from the hip,
and then we say we're sorry.
Heh. I think we med students
have the same problem.
Uh, Elizabeth, would you please
take Doug into the kitchen
and make him a drink?
- Sure.
- Come on, yes.
Ah, why don't you
help with the ice?
Ah, can I talk to you
for a bit, please?
Sure.
Daddy, Doug and I
love each other very much.
But, uh, if our relationship
is ever gonna evolve..
Well, we have to just
let it develop.
I know.
I haven't been
any help to you and Doug.
But listen, Mary, I promise to
stay clear of things
until you and Doug
are settled in.
Thank you, daddy,
but, that's not the point.
What I'm tryin' to
tell you is that
when you get really close
to somebody
it's almost like
a mirror.
'You see reflections
of yourself.'
Exactly, and I see reflections
of your mother in you.
I remember when Joan
and I first started out.
The different routines
we had to get used to
trying to figure out which
family to visit at Thanksgiving
which one at Christmas.
So silly.
Seems like the smallest things
cause the biggest arguments.
Daddy, you're not
letting me finish
and you're making it
very hard for me to
salvage any kinda pride.
Pride?
Why, I-I don't get it.
Daddy, Doug and I were up
most of last night talking
and we realized that
we might be good for each other
but we're just not ready to
be that close yet.
We've gotta get to
know ourselves
before we can share
that self with somebody else.
Do you understand
what I'm trying to tell you?
Yeah.
And, even though you said it
for different reasons
you were still right.
We weren't being
fair to ourselves.
Mary, you don't have to
tell me--
Daddy, please!
That's why Doug and I have
decided to give up the apartment
and try living
apart for a while.
Oh, you mean sort of
a trial separation?
Yeah.
Why don't we just call
the trial marriage a mistrial.
And would you help me
with my bags?
- I left 'em in the car.
- Mary..
Daddy, please don't say
anything right now.
No, no, I-I was
just gonna volunteer David
to help carry the bags.
He's-he's much
younger than I am.
Oh, daddy, you're not
that old, you big faker.
- Welcome home.
- Thank you.
Well, thank you
for the football plays.
Sure, just, uh, don't
let your geometry teacher
know the secret.
Oh, no way she'd have a fit.
She thinks geometry
is some sorta religion.
Yeah, well,
you think football is.
[clearing throat]
Uh, dad, I think
Mrs. Abbot's ready to leave.
Oh, alright,
I'll walk her to the car.
You know, dad, I don't think
any of us would object
if you asked her
out sometime.
Oh, you wouldn't, now?
Listen when I need your help
regarding my social life,
I'll ask for it.
[chuckles]
Hey, Tom, I gotta go.
Um, but I just wanna tell you
it was great getting to
know you and the whole family.
You can come around any time,
Mrs. Abbot.
- Ah..
- Sure.
- I'll walk you to the car.
- Okay.
- Bye-bye.
- Good-bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye, dad.
[giggling]
Come on.
Let me see.
[giggling]
What's happening?
Dad's asking
Mrs. Abbot for a date.
Alright.
Ew, oh, I can't believe it,
look, it's like..
it's like the airport
scene from Casablanca.
[giggling]
- Uh, how's Bogie doing?
- Very badly.
Here's looking at you,
sweetheart.
- Well?
- Well?
- Well--
- Did you ask her out?
- Well, what?
- Did you ask her out?
I don't see that
that's any of your business.
Come on, daddy, tell us.
Oh! Alright, I asked her out
to dinner tonight, okay?
- Not too shabby.
- Way to go, daddy.
Hey, the dame's
got class, huh?
What restaurant did you
ask her out to?
You're gonna spring
for the big bucks?
She already had a date,
alright?
Well, didn't you ask to
ask her out for another night?
She's just playing hard to get.
Hey! Play it again, Tom.
[all laughing]
You're like
a bunch of little bugs!
Ooh!
[all laughing]
[instrumental music]
[knocking on door]
Who is it?
(both)
'Susan and Joannie.'
Can't you read?
No girls allowed.
- 'Ah, come on, Nicholas.'
- 'Ah!'
(Joannie)
'We're not girls,
we're your sisters.'
- 'Yeah.'
- 'Okay, come on in.
Fooled you, girls!
[giggling]
Hey, Nicky,
this is far out, uh!
- A kitchen and a bedroom.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- The lived-in look.
- Yeah.
Check it out.
Gum wrappers on the floor.
You and David really
fixed this place up.
(Joannie)
You know, we could do a..
...do a spread on him
in the Sunday Supplement.
The perfect prepubescent
bachelor pad.
- Ooh-la-la!
- Ooh-la-la!
Ooh-la-la!
- Hey, Nicky, where you goin'?
- To get some privacy.
[sighing]
- Let's go get him.
- Alright.
- 'Hey, Nicky..'
- Nicholas.
(Susan)
'Nicky.'
[instrumental music]
[indistinct shouting]
[theme music]
02x02 - Trial Marriage
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The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.
The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.