[music continues]
[instrumental music]
[chuckles]
I have to be at school
at quarter to eight.
I know, and I have
an : interview.
Mm.
[sighs]
I'll sleep
right through the alarm.
Oh, no, I'll call and wake you.
[chuckles]
We really should
call it a night?
I know, but I can't keep
closing the door like this
'on you every night.'
(Abby)
'Actually, I'm closing
the door on you.'
Well, what can we do about this?
There is a way out, you know?
- The su1c1de pact.
- Yes.
They say that marriage
is a civilized su1c1de pact.
We have talked about marriage,
you know?
We actually did say that
we were going to get married.
Did we? I don't know,
maybe we did.
Yes, we did! You remembered.
- 'Well, the question is when.'
- Oh, yeah, that's right.
That always comes up
and messes it all up.
I know. Let's say..
...how about, um,
uh, two weeks from tonight?
November the first?
- Alright.
- Good!
It's bad. It's election time.
I have to cover them.
Oh, gosh!
'How about, uh..'
...first weekend in December?
Oh, that's-that's no good,
see, because, uh
the board of education has
a remedial reading program
and I have to give a speech.
I understand, I understand.
Later in December?
Oh, no, no.
Now that's too close to--
Oh, Christmas.
How about the fourth of July?
Thanksgiving?
I promised my parents
I'd go home on Thanksgiving.
Oh!
You do wanna get married,
don't you?
Yes. Don't you?
Yes, I do
but, boy, I don't know.
Every time I say something,
you just keep coming up
with some kind of an excuse
not to.
I do? You are the one
who keeps turning down dates.
I think you're being
very negative.
Negative?
[scoffs]
I'm the one that's trying to--
Back out.
I think you're getting
cold feet. That's what I think.
November ninth!
Why November the ninth?
Well, because that's the only
one we haven't rejected already.
Okay.
Okay?
(both)
Okay!
[knocking on door]
(Tom)
'Tommy, don't eat so fast.'
I've gotta eat fast.
My stomach's used to it.
You, too, Susan. Come on now.
Hey, I'm trying
to get to school on time
as you're always suggesting.
Bye, everybody.
I've got a hot date today.
A hot date? It's only
eight o'clock in the morning.
Well, it's a after-breakfast,
before-class date.
No, no, but y-you shouldn't date
on an empty stomach.
It's bad for the reflexes.
Sit down.
What is this sudden fixation
with food, dad?
Well, it's important,
that's all.
I mean, you should have
a big breakfast.
- Good morning!
- Morning, David.
- Hi.
- Anything left to eat?
- You see, David agrees.
- Agrees to what?
About food being important.
We should always start the day
off with a nice big breakfast.
Oh, well, you said to be here
for breakfast.
Here I am.
Dad, why do I have the feeling
that all of this talk
isn't about
how fast we eat breakfast?
Yeah. Come on, dad. What's up?
I'm leavin'. Nobody ever keeps
Chris Green waiting.
Wait, wait. Sit down.
Well, Abby and I wanted
to say this together
but she's not here
and you're all running off
so I, I-I better just
say it by myself.
I shouldn't, though. I should
wait and say it with her.
'But what do you think
I should do, say it now'
or should I say it with her?
(all)
Say what, dad?
I'm glad you asked.
On November the ninth,
Abby and I are getting married
to each other.
- Thank goodness!
- Well, it's about time.
(Susan)
'I thought you'd never ask her.'
Dad, that's three weeks away!
- You sly devil, you!
- Good morning.
[indistinct chattering]
Congratulations.
(Joannie)
'I get to be the maid of honor.'
(Mary)
'No, I do, I do.'
(Abby)
'Oh, I'm sorry, I promised
my best friend, Dottie Gordon.'
See, when we were little,
we promised each other.
Nicholas, where are you going?
To feed my frog.
- Oh.
- Congratulations!
[indistinct chattering]
[instrumental music]
- Congratulations!
- How did you know?
Mary called me.
Boy, everybody
in the building knows.
What did you do? Issue an
inter-office memo or something?
Oh, no, no.
I did much better than that.
- I told Velma in Accounting.
- Oh.
[chuckles]
See you later.
Yeah.
Hm..
Ow! Why did I do that?
Ah..
[door opens]
Dr. Maxwell on the phone.
Oh. Thank you.
How did you know I was gonna
congratulate you?
How did you know
I was getting married?
Joannie invited me
to the wedding.
Now, listen, Tom
I can get you a great deal
on blood tests.
[laughs]
Hm?
[crickets creaking]
(Tom)
'Now, look, to start with'
'it was okay
that you invited Dr. Maxwell'
'because, naturally,
we were gonna invite him anyway'
but from now on it would be nice
if you
discussed it with us first.
Yeah, I know, I know, dad,
but I had to tell someone
you know, and I couldn't tell
him without asking him, right?
Yeah, I guess you're right,
but don't tell anybody else.
See, we've decided it should be
a very small wedding.
- How small?
- About twenty.
- Fifty.
- Uh, fifty.
- T-twenty.
- Fifty.
Oh, well, fifty, twenty, fifty..
[laughs]
But we just don't wanna have
a big mob for the wedding.
(Joannie)
'Oh!'
(Abby)
'You see,
we want it to be a very small'
'very simple affair.'
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
After all, this is the second
time around for both of us.
No point having
a big extravagant wedding.
- So what do you guys think?
- Sounds pretty.
Alright.
Now, here's what we'll do.
We'll have a nice, small group
at the church
and a slightly larger group
at the reception.
But we can really use your help.
Yeah, it's not easy, you know
to fix up a house like this
for a reception.
Hey, dad, don't you think
that we should have
the reception
outside of the house?
Oh, no, this house
could hold people.
- I mean, people.
- 'Yeah, I know.'
But, but just think
of all those people
spilling drinks on the floor
and stomping out cigarettes.
A-and then
who's gonna clean it up?
Hey, Tom, I think Mary's got
a really good point.
I mean,
why worry about the house?
'I'm sure we could find
a small, inexpensive room'
'some place, huh?'
Sure, we could find one,
but who has the time?
The wedding is in three weeks.
We'll take care
of everything, dad.
Really! You know how we are
when we get mobilized.
Yeah, I've seen you all
in action.
Alright, but nothing fancy.
'I don't want any waiters
running around'
in red velvet jackets,
and crystal chandeliers.
No, I-I promise
it won't be anything
in bad taste.
(Tom)
'Well, I'm gonna keep you
on a strict budget.'
'Abby and I will take care'
'of the liquor
and the invitations'
'and you kids can take care
of the reception.'
But remember
the two important words now.
Small and dignified.
Repeat it after me.
(all)
Small and dignified.
Small and dignified
doesn't necessarily mean
tacky, right?
Joannie, don't you think
we ought to find out
what they really want?
I don't think they know
what they really want.
So I've taken the opportunity
to-to jot down
a few ideas, okay?
Alright, Susan, um,
can you contact a florist
and get us some estimates
on the church?
- Yeah.
- Okay, great.
Um, Mary, could you
find us a photographer?
Will you settle
for a moonlighting intern?
Yeah, but just make sure
he's good, okay?
Alright, uh, David,
can you handle transportation?
Joannie, this isn't
a military invasion.
Duh, well, but we have
to move the wedding party
from the church
to the reception hall.
Well, how about choppers
with sidecars?
[all laughing]
Come on, you guys,
let's help her out.
Yeah, come on.
Well, weddings
aren't exactly our forte.
- 'Your what?'
- Ignore him. Just ignore him.
Come on, I have
a really important job for you.
- Now, that's the problem.
- Alright.
Okay, you go through
the phone book
and you look for
reception halls, lodge halls
um, hotel, banquet rooms,
gymnasiums
anything you can find.
W-wait! Gymnasiums?
Joannie, small, remember?
Yeah. Small gymnasiums.
Okay, now for the shower.
Elizabeth, could you help--
No.
And I wont, either.
You know, I'm saving you
for the bridal car.
I can't drive a car.
No, not drive it, Nicki, you
know, just decorate it, okay?
I can't.
I don't even know what it is.
It's a revolting custom
and it's part
of a revolted ceremony
that I won't have any part of.
- What's wrong with her?
- And that goes double for me.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
Oh, hi, Nicholas.
Listen, would you do me a favor?
Get me a, a little screwdriver.
This is too big, okay?
Thanks.
Oh, thank you.
Well, one thing about wedding is
it gets you to fix up the place.
When will you be finished?
Well, in about days, I hope
otherwise I'll be doing this
on my honeymoon.
Will you have time
to help me with my costume?
- What for?
- Halloween.
- I wanna be an orphan.
- Oh, well, that's easy.
You just wear
old, raggedy clothes.
Will you help me?
Well, I can't now.
There's a loose straight beam
rod in the living room.
[grunts]
If mom was here, she would help.
Or if she were busy, she would
tell you to do it yourself.
- Would Abby help?
- Well, if she were--
Yeah, I know,
if she wasn't so busy.
Mom would help.
[knocking]
- How much more?
- Oh.
I want you to do it
right about till here
but on both sides.
- Both sides?
- Mm-hmm, the same way.
Right till here.
Boy, when I was discharged
from this place
I never thought
I'd be back doing hard labor.
It's just for appearance sakes,
we don't want Abby to think
she's moving
into a decrepit joint.
Oh, listen, uh, what are you
doing on November the ninth?
The ninth? I'm going
to your wedding. Why?
Well, I figured
that if you do a good job here
I, uh, might consider
letting you be my best man.
[chuckles]
- Both sides of the house?
- Both sides.
Right till here.
- What's it for?
- A present for Abby and dad.
Oh. What's it gonna be?
I haven't quite
figured that one out yet.
I bet they won't like it.
[sighs]
Hello.
Here are all the liquor stores
within a radius of two miles.
- Oh.
- Would you..
Would you please tell me
what you're doing?
- Hello, Donna.
- Hi.
Yes, uh,
I'm comparison shopping.
You know, this is to keep
my cost per unit down.
Yeah? That's very scientific.
It's very interesting.
Let me explain.
Hm.
You see, we're inviting
guests to the wedding.
Now, that equates
to spending units.
'Now, when you factor
in liquor, food'
'flowers and miscellaneous
costs, right'
then you amortize the cost
of the hall
over the spending units.
Voila!
Well, doc, from the looks
of these costs per unit
I think you oughta do
a little real work
'cause I think
you're gonna need the money.
Okay. Alright, you take this
column, I'll read this column.
Ah, ah-ah. "Part time
counter girls at a pizza joint."
No, no, no, that's too much work
and not enough money.
Oh, come on, Joannie,
we've only got two weeks
and we sure can't finance
a wedding reception
on our good looks and charm.
Look. Here it is. Look.
"Part-time advertising
good looking girls,
lots of charm." That's it!
Yeah, but, uh, what is it?
It's, i-it's exactly what
we've been looking for.
Alright, I'll bring
the r*pe whistle
and, uh, you get
the heavy tow bag.
Okay.
[instrumental music]
(male #)
'The job is : to :
on weekdays'
: to : on Saturdays.
Offer's okay?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
How do you look in tights?
Great. Both of us.
Okay. You are the split,
you are mow.
Three dollars an hour.
Well, you want the job?
- Yeah.
- No.
No problem that is.
Alright,
Gloria will get your costumes.
Tell her
to send in the next girl.
Alright.
It's stupid and it's hokey.
Uh, look, to you maybe,
but I haven't lived yet.
You've gotta start somewhere.
So get engaged and start
with your own stag party.
If you want to knock yourself
out for dad, be my guest
but I'm telling you right now,
he's not going to get behind it.
Look, David, if you wanna be
that way, that's fine.
I can do everything myself.
Would you please just do me
one favor before I go?
What?
Can you tell me where I can find
a girl and a cake?
Well, Tommy, sit down.
I think there's something
you should know.
I don't want this
to come as a shock
but, uh..
...dad isn't a year old
on his first date.
He's over
and he's been married
and he has eight kids.
He most definitely knows
what it's all about.
Obviously, he doesn't know
everything. He has eight kids.
Mary, he wanted eight kids
or at least
that's the party line.
Well, supposing he wants
eight more.
We don't have room
for eight more.
Yeah, we don't have room
for one more.
Especially if it's a girl.
Yeah, but what if it's a boy?
There is no space in your room?
It won't be a boy. We run
to girls in this house.
Hey, you guys, this is really
none of our business.
And besides,
dad and Abby are gonna do
what they want to, anyway.
Yeah, well,
where does that leave us?
I don't know,
but if it is a girl
she'd better move in
with the youngest female.
That's Elizabeth.
Yeah, well, then I'd have
to move in with Susan.
'And then Joannie would have
to move in with Mary.'
Yeah, and then
if you get married
I'll have a room of my own!
[chuckles]
Uh, until the second baby.
Then Susan would
move in with you
'and Elizabeth with Nancy.'
Oh. Yeah, then I'll have
to get married.
[sighs]
Well...someone has to find out.
Spy on dad?
Uh, not spy, actually.
Just find out.
David, we decided yesterday
that you're the logical choice.
What's so logical about me
trying to find out
what's going on
with dad's sex life?
No, not the what of his sex life
just the results, huh?
David, consider dad's sanity.
I mean, it's marginal
with eight kids, right?
Well, what do you think
would happen with nine?
But I can't tell dad what to do
with his personal life.
Oh, well, we don't want you to.
We just wanna know, uh
you know, what his plans are.
Yeah, but, uh, do I come
right out and ask him?
We can't tell you
how to do it, David.
I wish someone would.
Sure, I'll help you, Nicholas,
but dad should have offered to.
He said he is too busy.
Everyone is, everyone's chasing
around like crazy and acting..
...acting like
mom never existed.
She sure is gonna be mad
when she gets home.
Nicholas, mom isn't coming home.
- She might change her mind.
- Come here.
[instrumental music]
She can't, Nicholas.
Mom would come home
if she could, but she can't.
Yes, she can, and you know it.
No, Nicholas.
No one can take mom's place,
but she's not coming back.
Yes, she is.
She is a good mother.
Good mothers don't leave
their kids forever and ever.
[engine revving]
Hi, you. You want a ride?
[instrumental music]
Excuse me. That was Dean.
Look, as I said before
I will not bother with weddings
of under guests.
Oh, but at the rate we're going,
we should have more than that.
Uh, maybe we better
talk to dad first, Joannie?
Oh, absolutely not!
I mean, he turned
this thing over to us
and we're gonna do it right.
Well, I require a deposit
right away.
'I, uh, usually have
more than ten days'
'to plan my motif.'
What kind of a hall did you say
this reception would be in?
Uh, w-we're still not sure yet.
You see, uh, I'm still looking.
Well, we must decide quickly,
mustn't we?
We do have tables to plan,
don't we?
This is a favorite of mine.
This was used on
the Bel Air Circuit last month.
Film stars, very big.
Flew me in in Frank's jet.
Now, I had a large salmon aspect
at either end of the table
black caviar here,
and then in the center
an ice statue of the bride
and groom, nude.
[meowing]
That might be too Hollywood.
Definitely too Hollywood.
Well, we could do the, uh,
traditional bride and groom.
How much
does a traditional cost?
Well, two to four hundred
dollars, depending upon size.
What would you say
to a traditional orange blossom
centerpiece?
Uh, I'd say, "Find yourself
another caterer."
That's what I thought you'd say.
[telephone ringing]
Oh, excuse me, my phone.
[sighs]
Joannie,
I think we better find out
how much
all this is gonna come to.
I know, but, uh, look,
we'll be able to pull it off.
We'll just, we'll cut down
on the flower budget
and the hall rental
to make up the difference.
- Huh?
- You're the boss.
"Harry Richardson?"
Who's Harry Richardson?
Who are all these people?
They're from my parent's list.
Um, they wanted to invite more
but I held them back
to a, a hundred.
A hundred?
Oh, they also wrote
and wanted to know
if we would use
a friend of their minister's
from Pasadena,
a Reverend Corbett.
No, no. Uh, Reverend Lowell
is our family minister.
We're getting married
in his church.
We'll use them both.
Oh, boy, your family
is really getting into the act.
Well, the wedding does
traditionally belong
to the bride's family.
So why is the groom's family
doing all the work?
Oh, Tom, you're gonna
get along great with them.
You know, they're coming in
a few days earlier
'and I thought we could
fix dinner for them here.'
Well, we're not
very Pasadena-posh.
- That was uncalled for.
- I'm sorry, it's just that..
I don't know, your family sounds
like long-distance trouble.
I wouldn't worry too much about
long-distance trouble
if I were you.
Why?
Because we've got some
right here at home.
Huh? What-what do you mean?
What, what?
Well, I didn't wanna tell you
because I didn't want you
to get all worried or anything.
What, what, what?
Well, it's Nicholas
and Elizabeth.
What about them?
Neither one of them
will talk to me.
[instrumental music]
What's it gonna be?
Well, I'm not quite sure
but it's gonna be
a wedding present
for Abby and dad.
You never made a wedding present
for mom and dad!
But I wasn't even around!
[instrumental music]
Nicholas!
[door locks]
Elizabeth!
(Elizabeth)
'I'm busy.'
Oh, uh, listen,
I wanna talk to you!
(Elizabeth)
'I said I'm busy.'
It's important.
(Elizabeth)
'Come in.'
Elizabeth, could you
put the book down?
It's homework.
Well, I just wanna talk to you
for a moment.
Thank you.
Uh..
I've been so busy with
the wedding plans and everything
I, I didn't realize
that you're not as excited
as everybody else.
Yeah, well,
I guess I've just been
kind of involved
with other things.
Is something wrong, Elizabeth?
Not with me.
Okay, then with whom?
What are you asking me for?
Because I think you know.
Come on, don't play games
with me. What's wrong?
Nothing's wrong, okay?
And if everyone will just
leave me alone, I'll be fine.
Is that too much to ask?
No, that's a fair request.
Thank you. Now, can I please
get back to my homework?
'Please?'
(Susan)
'Really dumb, Joannie.'
(Joannie)
'Pretend you're lying
on a plate'
'and you feel this ice cream'
'melting down around you.'
'It's pure method acting.'
'Now, what's you motivation?'
(Susan)
'Three dollars an hour.'
You'll never be an actress.
Stop by for dessert
at the Sweet Tooth
Dessert Shoppe!
Yeah, you'll love it.
Oh, come on!
Just use some more energy.
Come on, you're a banana split.
Joannie, I just don't feel like
a banana split.
Well, it's all in your attitude.
Hey, watch me.
Hi, stop by for dessert
at the Sweet Tooth
Dessert Shoppe.
- Mm..
- This stuff's poison.
"Refined sugar,
starch, cholesterol."
No, thank you.
Way to go..
Uh, uh, the best place in town.
Oh, yeah? You work there?
Well, not exactly.
[clears throat]
Bye.
Bye.
Flirting is not what I meant
by motivation.
Well, Joannie,
you play it your way
and I'll play at mine and, uh
we'll just see who gets
rid of more of these.
- 'A wedding?'
- 'Uh-huh, yeah.'
- 'My father's getting married.'
- Your father's getting married?
Yeah, that's very cute.
For the second time.
Oh-ho, well,
if at first you don't succeed.
[laughs]
M-Mr. Corelli, you see
I need to find
a place for the reception
and my price range
is kind of limited.
- So..
- Yeah, alright.
Now, we don't generally
rent out the gym
for non-competitive sports..
...but, uh,
maybe we can make an exception.
'The season tickets
are down this year.'
The mascots
are having a tough season.
I lost three seniors this year.
'My son has got knee problems.'
'And would you believe it?
We lost two games in overtime.'
I mean, we're up by five, right?
We have the ball, a minute
and thirty to go on the clock.
- 'I--'
- Mr. Corelli!
Yeah, alright, okay, uh, um
when-when did you say
the date was?
- November ninth.
- November..
Oh, Lord, it's a big game
with Saint Francis Academy,
o'clock.
Oh, well, let's see,
I guess I better--
But hold on a second, uh..
...maybe we can
work something out here.
What do you mean?
How many people you got
coming to this wedding?
About four hundred.
Four hundred, uh..
I got a terrific idea. Terrific!
We give you the gym
and we get times--
Mr. Corelli,
what are you talking about?
You can be the halftime show!
- Mr. Corelli!
- No, no, why not?
We'll supply the band, a crowd.
Hey, well, I'll throw in
a couple of cheerleaders, huh?
'Hey, come on back,
I was only kidding.'
Ah..
Oh, uh, no, I wasn't.
(Maxwell)
'I think you kids
are doing a great job.'
'In fact, I think all couples
should let their children'
'handle their weddings.'
Well, what can I do for you,
Tommy?
- Nothing medical, I hope.
- Oh, no.
No, it-it's just that..
Well, you know,
this is dad's wedding
and the girls are giving Abby
sort of a shower.
Well..
Well, dad may feel neglected.
Tommy, you're not suggesting
we give a shower to the groom,
are you?
Oh, no, no, no, but..
Well, do you remember
when you first got married?
Well, it was years ago..
...but frankly, I guess
it is getting a little blurry.
Well, no,
what I mean is, well..
Didn't your friends
sort of get together and..
Oh, now I see
what's on your mind.
You're suggesting
a bachelor party, right?
- Right.
- Tommy, you son of a g*n!
'That is a terrific idea!'
Terrific!
(Tom)
'Oh, I don't know.'
'It's hard to tell
with Elizabeth.'
'I mean, she says
everything is alright.'
'With her, that usually means
that everything isn't alright.'
She's a very sensitive girl.
I remember, once she was edgy
for a few weeks
and we all thought
that maybe she had a blow up
with her boyfriend or something,
but that wasn't it!
She was worried about her
little pen pal down in Colombia
a little girl
that she had never met.
She was worried that she was
injured in an earthquake.
Tom.
You don't think it's me,
do you?
Oh, no, Abby, she loves you.
All the kids do.
Yeah, I know, but I mean
I was never really a threat
to their mother's memory
until now.
No, t-t-that's not it at all.
She's years old.
Everything at that age
is a trauma.
She will snap out of it.
You just leave her alone,
everything will be alright.
Okay.
[door opens]
[chuckles]
Hey there, champ.
'You better get cleaned up
before bed time.'
[door shuts]
[instrumental music]
[door opens]
[door shuts]
(Nancy)
'Oh, hi.'
If you're looking for Nicholas,
he just ran past me.
- Oh.
- Trick or treat?
Trick.
[music continues]
Knock, knock.
- 'Anybody home?'
- No.
I can't talk to you
this way, Nicholas.
- I don't wanna talk.
- But I do.
I need to.
- 'Please?'
- Go away.
Alright,
I'll, I'll talk to you this way.
As a matter of fact, I, I've
been meaning to talk to you
ever since yesterday afternoon
but I-I just haven't been able
to find you.
I've been so busy
planning this wedding that..
Well, I haven't been much help
with Halloween.
And if you've had a problem..
...I haven't noticed it.
I guess
I'm, I'm sorry about that.
'But, Nicholas,
that doesn't mean'
that I stopped loving you.
I love you very much..
...and nothing will ever
get in the way of that.
You know that, don't you?
This has been
a happy time for me Nicholas.
I've been very lonely.
And I know that you kids
miss having a mother, too.
I have a mother.
You had the best
of all mothers, Nicholas..
...the very best..
...but she's gone now.
She's coming back.
- She can't come back, Nicholas.
- Yes, she can.
Good mothers don't leave
their kids for ever and ever.
She hasn't left you, Nicholas..
...not completely.
We still got
all memories of her.
She'll always be a part of us.
'She always will be, Nicholas.'
But that's not enough.
Nicholas,
I know how you're feeling.
We both miss mom very much..
...but she's gone, son,
she's gone for good.
Won't mom be mad
if you marry Abby?
No. I don't think so.
I think she'll be happy..
...because she knows
that it's gonna make me happy.
- 'And you know what?'
- What?
I think mom will be happy
because, well, she'll know
that Abby is kinda
filling in for us
as a substitute.
'She knows
how much you need one..'
...how much we both do.
So listen.
Come on down out of that tree
'before the neighborhood
runs out of candy.'
(Tom)
'After Nicholas and I
canvassed the neighborhood'
'Nicholas goes
straight into the kitchen'
'goes right to Abby'
'and he offers
to split his candy with her'
right in half,
right down in the middle.
I tell you, I think they're
gonna grow to be very close.
- Don't you?
- Don't I what?
Oh, gosh, just drink your beer.
I'm sorry, I was thinking
about something else.
Well, if you can think about
anything outside of this wedding
you're the only sane member
of the family.
I-I was thinking
about the wedding.
- Sort of.
- Sort of?
Yeah, I was, uh
wondering what you intend to do
afterwards?
Oh, oh, I'm not telling you
where the honeymoon is or when.
Mnh-mnh.
No, I don't wanna know.
Well, what then?
Well, uh..
All the kids were wondering, uh
after Abby moves in..
Yeah?
Well, uh..
What are you gonna
do about, um..
...about, um,
sleeping arrangements.
Oh!
I'm not giving up
the left side of the bed.
Mm-mm.
[muttering]
What are you trying to say?
I'm not supposed to be
saying anything.
I'm supposed to be finding out.
Finding out what?
Look, if this is supposed to be
a father-and-son talk
isn't that supposed to be
the father
that initiates it, not the son?
Yeah.
But it's not the son
that's getting married.
Oh, I see.
Well, alright, then I'm ready.
I'm listening,
go ahead, tell me.
Alright, well..
We..
All of us..
Are you and Abby
gonna have more kids?
Well, uh..
Oh, I don't know.
Okay, that's what
I was supposed to find out.
I have to..
...get back to work.
See you later.
Strange boy.
[telephone ringing]
Hello?
Yes, this is
the Bradford residence.
Uh, no, Joannie and Nancy
aren't here right now.
Who's calling?
Uh, An Affair By Keith?
Look, Mr. Keith, I don't know
anything about your arrangements
so why..
How many people did you say?
[scoffs]
It sounds like
a very glamorous affair.
You know, I was gonna suggest
that you wait
until my sister's got home
but now I think
it would be much better
if you were
to talk to my father.
He'd love to hear your plans.
Uh, yeah, that's right,
tell Mr. Bradford.
Sacramento Register.
No, don't-don't call.
I think you should
talk with him in person.
Goodbye.
Better wear your crash helmet,
Keith.
[telephone ringing]
Yes?
Look, I told you
that I would let you..
No, I will not wear
an aquamarine cummerbund.
Listen,
I just finished talking to you.
I said I'd let you know.
Well, if I wasn't talking
to you, who was I talking to?
Isn't this bridal rentals?
Sacnales Rentals?
I never heard of you.
No, I never had
an affair by Keith.
Who's Keith?
'A caterer?'
I never hired a caterer!
Affair By Keith.
Did you hear that?
No, no, I-I never listen
to your phone calls.
Some woman calls up
and says I represent Keith
that, uh, and, you're,
we're having
an a-affair or something.
I don't know.
- What do you want?
- He's here. Keith.
(Donna)
'Y-y-you don't wanna
talk to him, right?'
Oh, wrong, wrong.
Hiya, Keith. Who hired you?
And you're fired.
I was hired for this gig
by two young women
Miss, um,
Joannie and Nancy Bradford.
Now, they didn't
leave me a deposit
but when they called back
and said to add tables
for an extra seventy five
guests, well--
- Seventy five guests?
- Yeah, well.
That's in addition to the four
hundred they originally--
- Four hundred?
- And seventy five.
Four hundred
and seventy five people?
Yes, sir, Mr. Bradford. I don't
think one tent will be enough.
- I think you need two.
- Two tents?
Listen, buster, this is
a wedding, not a circus! Abby.
- 'I will not put up with this.'
- With what?
I'm not having
An Affair By Keith.
- An affair?
- Oh, that-that's what..
With Keith?
(Tom)
'With, uh, Tom or d*ck'
'or Harry or Keith!'
I've already ordered.
Well, un-order.
[sighs]
Well, I'll have to talk
to the two young women.
No, no, I'll speak
to the young women.
Well, it would be a shame
to cancel everything.
It could be a wild scene.
Oh, it's going to be
a wild scene.
I don't even know
who to talk to.
Why do you stand there
looking at me?
An Affair By Keith.
[mumbles]
Okay!
That's the shop.
Now, the reception.
Um, Nancy,
how's the hall coming?
Well, um, Dr. Maxwell
said that he could probably
get the golden room
at his Country Club.
Oh, great,
the Country Club! Okay.
'Look, now, has anybody talked
to David about transportation?'
Yes, he was planning on using
our two family cars
his van
and he hired three limousines.
Um, you better tell him
to make that an even four.
Uh, Susan, how are you doing
with the orchestra?
Oh, we got
that one Keith suggestion.
It's ten musicians playing
nineteen different instruments
and they can do it all,
rock to waltz.
Great, great! That's all we..
- Is that dad?
- No, no, wait.
Alright,
I wanna talk about Keith.
Keith, how did you find out--
- I found out, alright.
- You really should've told us.
Abby, we wanted to surprise you.
Well, that was some surprise.
But we did tell you
that we wanted
a simple wedding, right?
Yeah, but we were gonna have
a ten-piece orchestra.
A ten-piece orchestra?
Dad, they're playing
nineteen different instruments.
I gave Keith a deposit.
You lost your money.
Oh, Tom,
you can't do that to them.
- Dad, you can't do that.
- It's all I had.
That's not my problem!
- But they meant well.
- They should have asked!
- But they didn't, so we--
- They're my kids!
[indistinct chattering]
There won't be any wedding.
- 'What?'
- There won't be any wedding.
We'll elope.
Maybe we should just call it off
altogether.
Abby, do you mean that?
- Do you wanna call it off?
- I don't, I don't know.
- Maybe we should.
- Yeah, maybe we should.
No, w-what I mean is, uh..
Well, l-look
what's happening to us.
I mean, we were screaming at
each other in there a minute ago
and the, and the kids,
well, the kids are heartbroken
'and, and it just, well,
it just seems'
'that we-we start out
trying to get married'
'and we end up breaking up
your entire family.'
I mean,
if this is any indication
of what kinda marriage
this is gonna be, well, then..
Then what?
Then we're in trouble.
[telephone ringing]
Yes?
El-Elizabeth is there?
What do you mean
she doesn't wanna come home?
You tell her
she has to come home.
It's Elizabeth, she's at David's
and she won't come home.
- Will she talk to me?
- Will she talk to me?
Well, can you?
I don't know what to do.
Alright. Thank you, David.
Okay, bye.
Abby..
[screaming]
What the devil?
Uh, I guess
you didn't fix it, dad.
That was about Elizabeth,
wasn't it?
Yeah, she's over David's place.
- 'What's she doing there?'
- I don't know.
Hey, uh, dad, I know that
we should talk about this more
but Joannie and I have
to get to work. It's about :.
Oh, my-my parents' planelanded an hour ago.
What are you gonna
tell your folks?
- I don't know.
- Well, Abby..
Well, uh, they're not gonna
all fit in my car.
Oh, alright, here.
Why don't you, uh, take mine?
Okay.
I mean, all we wanted to do
was make the wedding beautiful.
Now that we've messed things up
we don't have to worry
about a wedding.
Daddy wants to elope.
What's elope?
It means he'd sneak out
the window on a ladder.
It means, Nicholas, that
they don't wanna get married
with all of us around.
They'll run away.
- From who?
- From us.
Hey, look,
the most important thing
is that they love each other
and they wanna get married.
We've gotta let them know
that we want it, too..
...and we won't be upset
if they elope.
How about we plan a reception
for when they get back, huh?
Joannie..
Well, a little one?
[instrumental music]
(male #)
'Not bad.'
It's not Pasadena.
It is the state capital..
They had to put it someplace.
Oh, uh..
I have a surprise for you.
You and I
are going to hire a cab
and take
an unguided tour of the city.
You don't have to patronize me.
I know Catherine and Sandra Sue
want to be alone.
Eight children?
In this day and age?
Well..
- Oh, mom.
- Oh.
- You look so good.
- But you don't.
I was expecting a glowing bride.
[chuckles]
It shows, huh?
I'm afraid it does.
What is it? What's happened?
Hm..
Can't, can't Dottie be
your maid of honor?
Mama, I don't think
we're gonna get married.
What? Did we send
too large a guest list?
Yeah, but that's-that's not it.
Did you have a fight?
Yeah, but not before
see, this, this is after.
'After what?'
Oh, after we found out
what the kids were doing.
Sandra Sue,
I'm getting very confused.
We just, we just wanted
this very simple wedding
and, uh, the kids planned
this very elaborate one.
As a surprise.
Yeah, was it ever and, um
and see, one,
one of the girls is, um
is very upset about
the whole thing, you know
and, uh,
and so she ran away from home!
Look at me.
Do you love Tom?
Oh, mom, after, after Frank's
I-I, uh..
Well, I never thought
I'd ever love anyone else
and, and then I met Tom,
and he's just, uh..
Well, he's-he's so, uh..
...he's so-so sweet
and-and he's,
and he's just so kind and, uh..
'Well, that-that's not it.'
The, the usual words just
just don't, don't say it right,
you know?
It sounds like love.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
It's the first ingredient
of a good marriage
and the rest is just hard work.
Oh, mom,
I really want work
but I just don't know
what to do, you know?
Well, the only advice
I can give you is
make up the quarrel
before you get married.
[laughs]
I thought it was, um
make up the quarrels
before you go to bed.
- That, too.
- Oh, mom.
[theme music]
[music continues]