[knocking on door]
Come in.
Mary, can I talk to you
a second?
If it's for a quick second,
Nicholas
I'm studying for midterms.
Well, at school tomorrow
everybody is supposed
to get sh*ts
and cudalating against
the measles.
Cudalating against the measles?
Uh, Nicholas, do you mean
inoculating? Is that..
- Inoculating. Inoculating.
- Inoculating. Inoculating.
Okay. Uh, I'm glad to hear
that you're getting inoculated
against the measles
because measles are a bummer.
Yeah, well,
I was wondering
you know, why I couldn't
wait until you were a doctor
so, then you can
give me the sh*ts.
[chuckles]
Well, I appreciate
the business, Nicholas
but I'm a long way
from becoming a doctor.
Well, I don't even start
med school till next September.
Then there's internship
residency,
and then my specialty.
How long is all that
gonna take?
Hm, about seven years.
Seven years? I can wait.
[theme music]
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
Oh, hi, dad.
Nicholas, how many times
do I have to tell you
not to leave these
in the driveway?
I'm sorry, dad.
Hey, what are you doing, champ?
Tommy's gonna fix my bike.
Oh, yeah?
Boy, looks serious.
What's seems to be
the problem?
My allowance.
I need a new bike.
Oh. Well, uh, we'll discuss
finances later.
Right now, I want you all
to come in the house
because I have
an announcement to make
that I think you're going
to find very interesting.
What is it, dad?
Tell me first!
No, no, no, no, I'm going
to tell all of you together.
- Come on.
- Hey, everybody!
Dad has an announcement!
Come on, everybody,
dad wants us! Come on!
- ...dinner last night, huh?
- It was okay.
Come on, everybody!
Dad has an announcement!
Come on, everybody,
dad wants us!
'Come on, everybody!'
Uh, what's going on,
is something wrong?
No, no, let's just wait
till everybody gathers.
What is it, a kitchen thing
or a dining room thing?
Oh, no, no, this is
a real big good thing.
This is a dining room thing.
- You're getting us another car?
- 'No, Elizabeth.'
You're gonna build us a pool.
I knew you'd give in.
Yeah, that's what
you're gonna do.
I heard the battle cry.
What's up?
Dad changed his mind
about the pool.
- Pool?
- No, no, no.
Let's just wait till
everybody gets here, alright?
Uh-uh, Mary, Susan!
Come on, dad, what is it,
a car or a pool?
- A pool?
- Yeah.
Dad has a very important
announcement to make.
Yeah, well, uh,
can't it wait?
I've got to get ready
for a date. Hm?
Oh, really? Well, you just
tell your young man
to wait a few moments
for your old man
while he has a little
self-indulgence.
Now, everybody,
into the dining room
because this is good news.
I can join the swim team now.
[indistinct chatter]
What is this? What's going on
here anyway, huh?
You all lobbying for bigger
allowances or something or what?
- I would like to say something.
- Everybody's here now, Tom.
Okay. Very good. Alright.
Are you ready?
- Yes.
- Ready.
There is a celebrity
amongst us.
Elizabeth, you got busted again,
huh?
- No.
- No, no, no.
I was referring to me.
You got busted?
No, I didn't got bu..
Will you stop interrupting
and let me talk?
'Now, this is very important.'
This is bigger than a pool,
bigger than a car.
Now, you are going to meet
somebody very, very important.
Now, wait right there.
Very important.
Okay, wait.
Don't go, don't go. Wait.
Did you see.. Is there someone
in there or something?
Ta-da!
I am the important person!
Me!
[all laughing]
No, really,
the California Press Club
that venerable
institution of newsmen
from the old school
of journalism
have awarded my humble column
for a public service and
excellence. You hear that?
Your father,
the man who you love and adore
and abuse so fervently
is about to win
their version
of the Pulitzer Prize
the coveted Altruistic Award!
That's great.
That's bigger than a pool?
Gee, that's really neat, dad.
See, he understands.
- What's alalulistic?
- Alalu..
It's altruistic, Nicholas
and it means
doing good for others.
Congratulations.
Yeah, something
like giving people a pool.
You mean, like in
the Cub Scout manual?
Sort of.
- Do you get a merit badge?
- Well, yes, i-it's..
Well, at my age
it's a merit badge
only they call it prestige.
And guess what, that's not all
the best part of it is..
oh, Abby,
wait till you hear this
I'm not going to receive
the award here.
They are taking me up
to downtown San Francisco!
I've made all the arrangements,
and we're going to--
- 'You mean--'
- That's right.
And I've made
all the arrangements
and everything
is going to happen..
[sighs]
Doesn't seem to be too much
for us in dad's big news.
Yeah, I'd like to go
to San Francisco.
Yeah, hooray.
I woulda settled for a pool.
And I woulda settled
for a merit badge.
You must be higher
than a kite?
Yeah, well, who would've
guessed that all this time
I was being tagged
for greatness.
Oh, I woulda guessed.
- You got me, didn't you?
- Yeah.
I got you
and that makes me
feel higher than a kite.
[instrumental music]
Excuse me.
I'm not interrupting, am I?
- No.
- Good.
Dad, I just had an idea
about something.
Yeah, well, it better be a good
one considering your timing.
Well, y-you know how
you're always trying to get us
to, uh, to plan ahead,
to be prepared?
You know, like shopping early
for Christmas
or saving for a rainy day?
Any time anybody
quotes me to me
I can tell that
I'm being set-up.
Dad, this isn't a set-up.
This is good sense.
Uh, since I'm probably gonna be
going to, to med school
in San Francisco this fall
it, it makes good sense to me
to, to go there now.
You know,
to get the feel of the place
uh, check out apartments
and stuff.
Right, Abby?
I don't think so.
I mean, I think
it makes much more sense
to stay home here and take care
of the stuff around here.
- Hm.
- It was a good try.
[instrumental music]
I'll get you
next time though.
[laughing]
Oh, you handled that very well.
Experience.
Well, I've always said
you were a man of experience.
[instrumental music]
Hey! Is anybody home?
(Joannie)
'Just me.'
Who are you?
- Anne Boleyn.
- Anne Boleyn.
Yeah, we had a first
dress rehearsal, you know
and I think my tear-stained
cheeks are stained permanently.
Well, how'd it go?
What happened?
[sighs]
Oh, it was okay, I guess.
It's just..
[sighs]
Well, here's the deal, see
I think I'm doing fine, Abby,
right up until the end, you now
where Anne Boleyn
has to walk at the guillotine
and hand a silver coin
to the executioner
and she says..
Well, here, I'll show you, see.
Go ahead.
"May your aim be
swift and true."
Oh, bravo, bravo!
Joannie, that was great.
No, no, it was close.
- No, it was good.
- No encores I think.
Oh, Abby,
this is the last words, you know
that this girl's ever gonna say
in her whole life
and i-it's just not..
It's not full enough,
you know.
'Course I don't want
to push it or anything.'
It's just..
[sighs]
Oh, I don't know. I'm stuck.
Stuck.
[instrumental music]
You know, if I could just see
a real professional
and how she handled
that end part
I know I could do
a better performance.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
That'd be great.
Yeah.
Do you know, um,
there is a major production
'of this very same play
in San Francisco right now?'
Oh, I, uh..
I see your problem.
- I-I do.
- You do?
Oh, yeah, yeah, absolutely
and the solution, you see,
is very simple.
See, when you make that
lonely walk to the gallows
you should think of something
really traumatic.
Like being stuck at home
this weekend
while your father and I
go to San Francisco.
Oh.
[growls]
You really understand a lot more
than you let on, don't you?
Well, I'll say this,
I'll say this
if your performance on stage
is half as good as
it was here today
you'll be dynamite.
[chuckles]
Dyn-o-mite.
Oh, yeah. Thanks a lot.
Humph!
Humph!
'I want to go to San Francisco.'
'You'll see,
I'll think of something.'
I bet you will.
[instrumental music]
[typewriter clacking]
[knocking]
Dad, can we talk to you
for a minute?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Come on in, fellas.
Alright, what's the problem,
men?
Are your sisters
picking on you again?
Yeah. But we fixed them up.
We put a frog in the bathtub.
Unmistakably a sign of w*r.
Uh, dad, y-you know how I like
boats and stuff, right?
Uh, no, as a matter of fact.
But, I mean,
it sounds harmless enough.
And what about you, Nicholas,
are you interested in boats too?
Nah, just frogs and the ers,
and the subway cars, a-and..
Well, anyway, we, we thought
since you weren't
giving us approval
maybe you'd take us
to San Francisco with you
just to see boats and stuff.
Yeah, and ride the subway and
walk across the big bridges--
(Tom)
'And miss a day of school?'
No. This is a business trip.
I'm sorry.
But next time
you'll definitely be with me.
Don't be angry now, I mean it.
- Okay, dad.
- Yeah, sure.
[music continues]
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
Just cruising through.
How's your speech developing?
Oh, I tell you
it's a real migraine.
Yeah?
Well, maybe it's because
your desk is such a mess here.
Listen, if you think
that's messy
you should see
what it's like up here.
[chuckles]
You know,
it's funny to you, but, u-uh
you know, I-I am a writer,
not a public speaker.
The press club is gonna
think they've given this award
to some illiterate
carnival barker.
Well, that's okay
because see, by the time
they'd figure that out, it'll be
too late to take it back.
- Do you mind?
- No.
- Thanks a lot.
- Mm-hmm.
Come on, Tom.
This is gonna be the best speech
those old fogies ever heard.
- Well, maybe not the best--
- The best.
- The best.
- Mm.
[knocking on door]
Hi, I'm home.
- So we see.
- Hm.
Any calls?
Why don't you check
the bulletin board?
And there is some mail
for you on the porch.
Mail? Oh.
D-dad, listen,
about San Francisco--
Absolutely not.
I figured you'd say that.
Well, uh, don't let me
interrupt you.
Bye.
[instrumental music]
Absolutely not.
What do you mean
absolutely not?
Have you given any
real thought to the idea?
Why? No has always been
the safest answer.
Oh, come on,
a, a trip together
I-I'd get to know them
a lot better.
Listen, take it from somebody
who does know them a lot better.
You don't wanna
know them better.
Oh, Tom, they're your family.
They're not the enemy.
[groans]
That's what you think.
You know, I was looking forward
to us being alone.
[music continues]
You really want them to come,
don't you?
Okay.
[screams]
We can go!
You guys, we can go!
We're going to San Francisco!
[indistinct chatter]
I don't know where we're gonna
stay, but we'll do it.
Hey, Mary, did you hear?
Did you hear your father
is taking us to San Francisco.
There's no reason to go.
I just got turned down
by med school.
What?
[dramatic music]
[instrumental music]
You know, i-it says here
that you've been placed
on the waiting list.
Yeah, number .
Which might as well
be million.
Look, Abby, I know somebody
who was number five last year
and they're still waiting.
Look, uh, Mary, I know how
important this seems right now
but, it's not the end
of the world
and, um, this isn't the only
med school in the world either.
Well, it happens to be
the only one that I applied to.
So, apply to others.
Better yet, huh, why don't
I take a correspondence course?
You're not being
very fair to yourself.
'Fair?'
'Abby, don't talk to me
about being fair.'
Look, ever since I got
interested in medicine
I have known exactly
what I wanted.
I didn't apply to another
med school because..
...well, I was so certain
I'd get in..
I mean, in the end, you
'always get what you want,
right?'
Well, not always!
You know, Mary, sometimes life
can be very disappointing
but it's in those times
that, uh, it's our obligation
to toughen up, you know.
Abby, please,
can I be alone?
Yeah.
[instrumental music]
Hey, don't forget
to pack warm clothes
'for San Francisco, okay?'
Right.
[music continues]
Did you have any better luck
with her than I did?
No. No, I didn't.
You know what
the real problem is?
Mary has always been like
the brains of the family
and she's not used to failure.
I tell you, right now,
I would give anything
to get her in there.
In that case, um,
would you mind
if I contacted
an old friend?
Huh? Why would I mind?
Well, uh, maybe because
he and I were very close?
Oh.
How close is close?
Very close.
Well, we go back a long way.
Yeah, sure.
He must've been very close
if you kept track of each other
since the good old days.
Tom, nobody's kept track
of anybody.
Look, his, his name
is Ted Kellogg
and he, he just happens to be
the dean of admissions
to Mary's med school.
'I just know that if he knew'
that Mary were
a close friend of mine
he would see to it
that she was reconsidered.
Mm, why not take advantage
of an old friend, huh?
Well, yeah, I guess
since we're gonna be
in San Francisco anyway,
why not look ol' Teddy boy up
go and have a drink with him,
talk about the good old days
like one close friend
to another.
- You're jealous.
- Yes, I am.
- A little jealous.
- 'Yes.'
I didn't know..
[laughing]
Oh, it only shows with
the green around your gills.
Tom, it's for Mary's sake.
Look, I'd have no interest
in seeing him again.
You're my only
close friend now.
But if Ted can,
can assist Mary in this
I mean, we'd be foolish
not to try, right?
Yeah. I guess you're right.
Alright, then
for Mary's sake
I'll get the jealousy
out of sight
if not out of mind.
Are you gonna
mention this to Mary?
Oh, no, no, let's not
get her hopes up yet.
Yeah. Well, listen, Abby
uh, uh, just how close
were you and this Don Juan?
If you don't wanna
know the answer
don't ask the question.
Well, I don't want to
know the answer.
- Okay.
- Oh! I don't want to know.
Go, get out of here.
I can't stand it.
Hello, I'm here!
Is anybody else home?
Am I alone in this big house?
I'm home. Hiya. How was work?
Hi. Oh, good.
Getting things organized, huh?
Oh, yeah. Not without
some resistance though.
Elizabeth insist
on packing enough
for a three-month vacation,
and Nicholas--
It's not fair, it's not fair.
- It's not fair, dad!
- Aww.
Would it be fair for me
to ask exactly
what isn't fair?
Oh, oh, yeah. I can't go to
San Francisco, and you know why?
Because of the psychology test
they have tomorrow
and the professor insist
that I take it or get an F.
- Aww. God, Susan--
- Oh, boy, that guy.
I just can't stand him!
He always acts so nice, Joannie.
Always nice, he's always
smiling. But I know him.
This guy's got
schizophrenic tendencies
and he's paranoid, that--
Yeah, right,
I'm sure that right now
while you're talking
this very minute
he's talking behind your back.
Yeah. That guy, that guy,
I can't stand him!
Oh.. oh, she's right, you know.
Dad, she was really
counting on this trip.
I know. Poor Susan.
Well, maybe we could fix it up.
Yes, uh, one ticket,
one way to San Francisco.
Mm-hmm, flight ,
: Saturday morning.
Thank you.
Alright. Susan's ticket will be
waiting for her at the gate.
Aww, dad. Sometimes you're
really out of sight.
Yeah, I only wish all problems
could be solved that easily.
I'm gonna tell Susan, okay?
Uh, no, no, no, no.
Uh, don't tell her yet.
Let her suffer a little.
It builds character.
Huh?
Alright, I think
her character's built by now.
You can tell her.
Oh, papa. You!
'Susan!'
David, my boy,
look what I have for you.
Oh, thanks.
You know what's
an amazing thing?
Since you moved
out of the house
I think we see you twice
as much as we used to.
Yeah, we get along
twice as much too.
One of life's
little ironies.
Could you do me a favor?
Could you drive Susan to
the airport on Saturday morning?
She can't go to San Francisco
with us on Friday.
You mean, I don't get
to go to San Francisco
like everyone else?
No. I mean, yes, if you want to.
It's just that I thought
'that you had probably
given up on family outings.'
Not all family outings.
Actually, I was kinda looking
forward to going on this one.
But as you can see I have
a big date this weekend.
Yes, uh, so I noticed.
I tell you what then,
why don't you and your, uh..
...date stay around here,
keep an eye on the house
while we are gone, and, uh,
maybe I could spring
for a, uh, corsage?
Oh, thanks,
I think she'd like that.
Very good.
Oh.
- Whose got a window?
- Oh, no, I've got a window!
Alright, now just
quiet down, everybody!
You can take turns
sitting next to the window.
Did everybody
go to the bathroom?
We're not gonna
make any pit stops.
- Everybody in.
- Okay.
Just behave like normal
human beings.
Okay, everybody,
let's work together.
Nicholas, what have you got
in the box?
- Prince Charles.
- Prince Charles?
[croaks]
Oh! That's a frog.
- No frogs in San Francisco.
- Dad!
Come on. Put it in the house,
like I said.
- Come on.
- I don't believe this family.
Okay.
[sighs]
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
- I'm gonna miss you. Bye.
- Bye!
(Nicholas)
'I gotta make a pit stop.'
[tires screeching]
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
[no audio]
[no audio]
[music continues]
Nicholas!
Will you get off there?
And just stay with
your sisters, please.
I can't keep an eye on you
and get a room too.
Abby, come on, keep an eye
on him, will ya, please?
Excuse me, please, I was here
first. I'll be one second--
- May I help you?
- Yes.
Bradford, I have a reservation.
Oh, yes, Mr. Bradford.
I'll have the bellhop
bring your luggage.
Oh, uh, listen,
I'm not too good at mathematics
but could you possibly
tell me how two keys
can get eight people
into three rooms?
- It must be a mistake.
- Undoubtedly.
Well, our records show
that you changed
your original reservation
of one room to two rooms.
Correction,
I added to my one room
with two extra rooms.
Now, obviously,
this is a mistake
on the part of the hotel,
so I'm very sure
that you'll be happy
to fix it for me.
I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Bradford
but there are several
conventions in town
this weekend.
We have three
staying in this hotel.
The entire city is overbooked
and these men are
waiting for rooms.
I've been waiting
for three hours.
So, please, make up your mind.
Take them or leave them!
Dad, I gotta make a pit stop,
fast.
Oh, this town is loaded
with conventions
but I got us two little rooms
on the other side of town
in a little hotel
called the Golden Eagle.
Now, look, you and I'll
take the boys over there.
Let Mary stay here
and look after the girls.
I-I, I don't, I don't..
I don't know, Tom.
I don't think Mary can handle
the job in her present mood.
'Um, besides, the girls
don't listen to her anyway.'
I think I better stay
here with the girls.
What happened to you and me
alone in San Francisco?
Oh, we'll be together
most of the time.
Besides, you'll have
a little peace and quiet.
I bet it's a really
beautiful hotel.
[instrumental music]
Old-fashioned type of hotel..
Scary.
And, Nicholas,
I think we're in here.
Oh, gosh.
Dad, dad!
Hmm?
There's things crawling
around in that room.
Things?
What kind of things,
Nicholas?
Uh, dad, those things.
Oh, I hate those things.
When I turned on the light,
they all ran under the bed.
Oh.
I'm sorry, Nicholas,
but don't worry.
We're bigger than they are.
Yeah, but we're outnumbered.
[sighs]
Sorry about this, fellas.
It's a real mess.
Oh, that's okay, dad.
We'll sleep with the lights on.
Come on in, come on in.
It's beautiful.
- Yeah.
- Wow, this is great!
Hey, Abby, rich is fun.
Let's do this more often, huh?
Rich is real fun,
let's do this more often.
Where is Elizabeth?
Elizabeth is probably
patrolling the lobby
looking for available men.
- Don't you think?
- Yeah.
Have you girls
finished unpacking?
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah, but Mary hasn't.
Um, she's not very interested
in talking with us.
- No?
- Mmm.
Hey, I think, I think you guys
should give Mary some space.
You know what I mean? I mean,
she's got a lot on her mind.
- Sure. Yeah.
- Okay.
You know, she's real upset
about that med school.
(Joannie)
'Yeah, I know,
she's not talking to anybody.'
(Nancy)
'Hi, dad.'
- Is it that bad?
- It's worse.
The boys are downstairs now
trying to buy insecticide.
No. Come on,
it's gotta be better
than sleeping in the streets.
Don't jump to conclusions.
[Abby laughing]
[indistinct chatter]
Who wants me to take 'em
to Candlestick Park?
Look, uh,
I can drop the kids off
on my way to see that,
uh, friend we discussed.
- What about me?
- What about me?
What about you?
I wanna go see the ers
and ride the subway.
- You promised.
- Alright.
The ers first,
and then the subway.
Okay? Is it a deal?
- Have fun.
- Bye-bye.
Come on, we're gonna
have a great day!
- Does everyone have money?
- Yeah, we have plenty.
- We'll be fine.
- Okay, okay, good.
Look, have a good time,
I'll pick you up at o' clock
as soon as I finish
at the hairdresser's.
- Here, right?
- Right here.
Okay, now, do not forget
the buddy system, alright?
Everyone, please,
please stick together, okay?
- Yeah, sure, sure!
- Don't get lost, alright?
No, no, we won't.
Have a good time, Abby.
- Bye, Abby.
- Later.
- Bye.
- See you here at six.
Right here. Whoo!
Okay, the buddy system.
- Yeah, sure.
- We won't forget.
- Promise.
- 'Don't get lost.'
- 'Bye.'
- Go on!
Later.
Hey, guys, I'm gonna go to ACT,
you wanna come?
- No. Come on.
- No.
[instrumental music]
[no audio]
[no audio]
[music continues]
[music continues]
[upbeat music]
You said we could
ride the subway.
Well, that was before
the labor disputes, son.
What's a labor dispute?
Oh, well, uh, you see, th-that's
when people refuse to do
what they're supposed to do
until they get paid more money.
Gee, when I tried that,
I got grounded.
Oh, well, listen,
don't worry
we'll see more of San Francisco
on the bus anyway.
The important thing to remember
is always know
don't panic,
know where you are
and know exactly where
you're going at all times.
I know where I am.
I just wanna get back
to the hotel, okay?
Okay.
[engine revving]
[bell tolling]
(Ted)
'You look absolutely wonderful.'
Don't you mean, um,
absolutely older?
As I have always said,
fine wine and fine women
ripen with age.
Oh, no, no, I remember that
you always used to say, um
"A beer, a blond
and a B average
'and you'd die a happy man."'
My past comes back to haunt me.
[chuckles]
How's Evelyn? Did she ever open
that art gallery she wanted to?
Yes, uh, for a while
she didn't stay with it
very long.
Well, she never stayed
with anything very long.
Uh, we haven't seen each other
for some time.
Oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't know that.
Nothing to be sorry about.
Divorces happen in
the best of families.
To some of us, they even happen
more than once.
Uh, you just gotta keep trying
till you get it right.
'What about you a-and Frank?
Did you ever get together?'
Yeah, um, in fact, uh,
one year together, uh
turned into nine more
as a widow.
Oh.
Nine years is a long time.
Yeah.
Well, since we're both
presently unattached
how about a little
dinner tonight?
We've got a lot of
catching up to do.
Oh, Ted, I'd really love to,
but see, the thing is, um
I'm, um, reattached, um,
recently, as a matter of fact.
His name is Tom Bradford.
- Oh. Well, congratulations.
- Thank you.
In fact, I-I'm here
about, uh, my new family.
Mary Bradford?
Yeah. She's the, uh,
the eldest daughter.
In fact, she has, uh,
seven brothers and sisters.
[laughing]
You married into a family
with eight children?
Yeah.
[laughing]
Well, you always did do
everything in a big way
'didn't you?'
Are we here?
What? Uh, almost.
Where are we?
Come on,
don't ask so many questions.
Now, let's see,
if we take, uh
bus and get a transfer
to bus
and then take bus uptown.
Why don't we just quit
and take a taxi?
No, no, no,
your father doesn't know
the meaning of the word quit.
Or are we supposed
to take bus uptown?
Oh, shucks,
I don't know what..
Come on, dad.
There's our bus.
No, no, let's get
our bearings first.
There's our bus, dad.
'I should really ask somebody.'
Come on, it's leaving.
Nicholas, wait!
Nicholas!
[instrumental music]
[indistinct chatter]
Don't panic!
Just don't talk
to any strangers!
Nicholas, wait for me!
[music continues]
[knocking on door]
- Who is it?
- 'It's me! Open up!'
Oh, Tom, I'm glad you're here,
I was so worried about you.
I've looked everywhere,
a miles of bus routes
every bus, every bus stop,
I cannot find him.
Eighty-six million dollars
a year the city spends
and they don't have a lost
and found! I've lost Nicholas.
- Tom, please..
- Yes, operator..
- Get me the police right away.
- Tom, take a deep breath.
If you'll just
let me explain--
No, no, no, I can't, I can't,
I can't listen.
- Hello, yes, please--
- Tom.
- Dad!
- Please. It wasn't my fault.
- He's here, he's here--
- Yes, I wanna report..
- Dad--
- He's eight years old.
He's about this high.
No, he's this high.
He has a red and blue
striped shirt..
Oh, no, here he is. I'm sorry,
cancel that lost child.
Dad, what took you so long?
Did you get lost again?
Tommy, tell me what happened.
You should be so proud of
how he found his way back here.
Here, sit-sit down.
Your feet must be k*lling you.
No, no. It's not my feet
that's k*lling me.
It's my children,
slowly, painfully
without mercy.
Dad, when are we gonna
have dinner?
Are you sure you don't wanna go
with me and the kids to dinner?
Oh, gosh, I'd ruin it
for everybody I tell you.
After today's maneuvers,
my mind and my body
need a good night's rest.
Okay, but, uh, be ready
for tomorrow
'cause you and I are gonna
have the time of our life.
Promise?
It's a deal.
[instrumental music]
(Tom)
The day is all ours.
What would you like to do?
(Abby)
Oh...everything.
(Tom)
As you wish, milady.
Everything, and more.
[music continues]
(Abby)
Hey, we better get back
to our respective hotels, huh?
(Tom)
Oh, I guess you're right.
I still have to give
my acceptance speech
a final polish.
(Abby)
Hey, don't take it
so seriously.
Most people never listen
to speeches anyway.
(Tom)
Hey, you really know
how to massage a guy's ego.
Hey, Mary.
I didn't know you were home.
Yeah, I just got here, Abby.
Uh, listen, I don't have to go
to this awards thing tonight.
- Do I?
- Oh, no, no.
I mean, I'm sure you've
heard your dad speak
a times already,
right?
Right, thanks.
However..
...when you hear my good news,
you might just change your mind.
Well, there's an excellent
chance that you might get to go
to the medical school
of your choice next fall.
Abby, we've been
through this, okay?
I didn't make it.
I-it's over and past.
No, it's not over and past,
you see
because I spoke
to the dean of admissions
of the med school,
and he said--
- Y-you didn't do that.
- Yes, I did.
Because, see, he's this old
and dear friend of mine
and when I told him
who you were
he said he was
sure that he could--
I don't believe
what I'm hearing, Abby!
Uh, maybe I'm dreaming,
huh, or a nightmare?
- I-I don't understand..
- Abby.
And you, y-you were
a part in this, weren't you?
What-what? What is she talking?
I was just telling her
my good news
about Ted Kellogg, and she--
Abby, what is so good
about you interfering
in my life?
I-I can't believe
you'd do this.
Especially without asking me.
Oh, I see, before I go
out of my way to help you
I'm supposed to come to you
and beg your permission.
- Is that it?
- Yes!
And, and you don't
have my permission
and I don't need your help!
- I don't get it.
- Abby, I can't find my speech.
Well, what did we do wrong?
Abby, do you understand
what I'm saying?
My speech is gone,
it's vanished, uh..
Never mind this girl talk,
this is more important.
I can't find the speech!
[instrumental music]
Tom, we have to do
something about Mary.
Oh, please,
Mary's feelings will keep.
The important crisis is
I have to make the speech
in less than two hours.
For days, I've been working
on this lousy thing.
I don't even know
the first line.
It was bad enough
standing up there alone
in front of all
those gray-haired men
with their blue-haired wives.
But now, a-all I would've
had to do was stammer
through a neatly, typed speech
that was all written out for me.
But now, speaking
extempurrorously--
- Extemporaneously.
- Extemporan..
I can't even say
extemporaneously..
in front of all those people.
I am gonna be the laughing stock
of the press club.
Tom, relax, really, I-I'm sure
it's around here someplace.
I know, I bet one of the kids
knows where it is
or knows where you left it.
The kids. You're right.
Nancy! Uh, Elizabeth!
Come, come! Where are they?
No. They're not here.
They're all gone.
They are scattered all over
San Francisco.
Oh, no, whatever happened
to the buddy system?
Relax, relax.
I have their itineraries.
Look at this. Right here.
♪ Ta dum ta dum ♪♪
Now, see, Susan said something
about showing Nicholas
the sights
b-but don't worry about them,
she promised to be back early.
And that just leaves, um..
Joannie, who was going
to some matinee
on, uh, Pacific Street,
that's right
and Elizabeth
was going to the wharf.
[music continues]
Nancy planned a day
of shopping.
Did I forget anyone?
Tommy.
Tommy said that, he said..
Oh, he said something about
visiting a museum on Broadway.
[music continues]
Well, among the few
non repeatable tidbits
Mary indicates she knows
nothing about dad's speech.
I can't even believe
this whole bum trip.
I could've died
when dad drove up
and started honking
like a crazy man.
At least he didn't yank you
out of the theater
in the middle
of the third act.
You know, well, who wants
the stupid speech anyway?
Well, I looked everywhere
and I can't find it.
Well, does anyone have
any brilliant ideas?
Yeah, why don't we tell
dad to quit blaming us
for his carelessness?
- Yeah, hear, hear!
- Yeah.
Look, nobody's blaming anyone.
Alright. Who has my speech?
No one is blaming everyone.
Look, my speech
is not at the hotel
so, it's got to be here.
Tom, look, we have looked
everywhere, I promise you
and we can't find it.
I'm sorry.
Dad, what did we tell you?
We don't have it.
You see, Abby, none of this
would've happened
if we came here alone.
Oh, dad, come on.
We haven't done anything wrong.
She's right,
all's we did was try
and have a little bit of fun.
Jeez, it's my first day here.
(Elizabeth)
'You've been treating us all
like privates in an army.'
'Why do you always have to act
like a platoon leader?'
Yeah, daddy,
you haven't been very fair.
You know,
how am I supposed to act?
How do you suppose
I'm supposed to get nine people
and pieces of luggage,
an automobile, and a frog
from point A to point B
without somebody being
a platoon leader?
Personally, I think
I did a very good job
'under the circumstances.'
Daddy, you're being impossible.
What?
That's a nice thing to say.
What do you think, I'm incapable
of having a good time, huh?
'You think that I'm some kind
of a rotten sport?'
That remark is
as inconsiderate as Mary
who doesn't even have the common
decency to say thank you to me--
Hey, wait a minute, dad,
wait a minute.
I talked to Mary about
that med school thing
and I don't blame her
for being upset.
I mean, you guys didn't have any
right to go behind her back
like that and ask that dean
for special treatment.
You're absolutely correct,
Joannie.
Parents have no rights,
only responsibilities.
So, what about
our responsibilities
to ourselves, hm?
Boy, oh, boy, I can see by
the look on all your faces
that you're not very happy
with the job I'm doing
as the father, are you?
'Alright, help yourselves, huh?'
Do it all by yourself.
Alright, then,
you're on your own
because as of right now
I'm a free agent.
That's right,
effective immediately
I resign as a father, I quit!
- 'Oh, dad.'
- 'Come on, dad.'
You don't mean that.
How are we gonna get along, huh?
That's not my job, ma'am.
You understand?
I'm not going to tell you.
You can vote amongst yourselves
democratically.
I'm sure that'll keep you
busy for a long while.
Yeah, and who's gonna pay?
It's not my job to tell you.
However, I can suggest that you
ask Elizabeth.
'She brought
her own money here.'
It's not my job, remember?
I'm not involved.
I quit!
Tom..
Can dads quit?
[instrumental music]
I suppose you're gonna tell me
that this whole dumb thing
is my fault, and I shouldn't
have been so ungrateful.
No, no, as a matter of fact,
I was coming in here to tell you
that I don't think
you can take sole credit
for your father's
temporary insanity.
Look, Abby, I want you to tell
your old and dear friend
to get off my case, okay?
Okay. Anything you say.
I just thought you wanted to go.
More than anything
I've ever wanted.
But not that way.
Don't you see that? That..
That if I get in
because you pulled strings
I'll never know if I coulda
done it on my own.
Is that more important to you
than going to
a particular school?
Very much.
Mary, let me just explain to you
why I did what I did, okay?
When I saw how crushed you were
well, I-I knew
Tom couldn't do anything.
So, I felt I had to do
something, you know?
'Well, to-to help you both out
at the same time, and, uh..'
I guess, to, uh,
to prove myself too.
Abby, that was very nice.
B-but you and dad
aren't always gonna be around
to, to patch things up.
I've got to start
doing that on my own.
And if I can't make it
doing this, well..
Then, I'll just have
to try something else.
Look, I'm-I'm sorry,
I didn't talk to you first
and, uh, I guess,
I-I guess I just have to learn
how to, you know, stand back
and, um, let you handle things
on your own.
Yeah, well,
don't stand back too far
I might need your help someday.
Well, when you do,
um, just ask, okay?
Like I'm askin' right now.
See, your father's gonna be back
any minute, and I'm not dressed,
and I got to get outta here.
[chuckles]
Uh, listen..
...you don't have
to prove yourself to me, Abby.
- Okay? Let's go.
- Okay.
- Oh, there you are.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I just had to get ready,
and I'm..
Alright, listen,
I just had a talk with Mary..
No, no, I don't wanna talk
about it, honey.
It's not my job anymore.
Tom, please stop dragging
this out.
No, no, we'll talk
about it later.
Right now, I need silence.
I have to think about
my acceptance speech.
Oh, okay.
[instrumental music]
[bell ringing]
Don't worry, honey.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Now, just loosen up, okay?
[sighs]
And at a time like this,
one is tempted to dwell
on the names of former
giants of journalism
'upon whom we have bestowed
these awards in previous years.'
Now, since we have
a number of awards
why don't we start
with the award
for editorial cartoon?
And from Los Angeles,
Ms. Wilma Blair.
[applauding]
I mean, don't worry.
I'll handle it.
Uh, sir, hi.
We're here with the press club--
Sorry, this is
a private affair.
Uh, well, I know,
but we're invited.
I'll have to see
your invitations.
Well, our father
has invitations.
- And he's-he's right inside.
- Yeah.
No one gets in
without an invitation.
Well, it was a nice try.
I think we have to
just go home
put on our grubbies
and goof off.
Oh, come on,
you guys, you know
this is dad's big chance in the
limelight. We gotta be there.
Really, I think the least
that we can do
is share it with him, huh?
- Even if he doesn't deserve us?
- Yes.
Well, we could storm the gates.
No.
That only works
at rock concerts.
Yeah, but there's something else
that works at rock concerts.
- What?
- What?
Follow me.
I've got an idea. Come on.
- What, Elizabeth?
- What? Elizabeth, what?
And now, our major award
for outstanding
journalistic excellence
and for superior public service.
'This year's special
Altruistic Award'
goes to the
"Sacramento Register" columnist
Mr. Thomas Bradford.
[all applauding]
Uh, excuse me, sir. Hi.
I was walking outside the
building and I found this money
sitting on the steps,
and I thought maybe you know
who it belonged to or something.
I asked all kinds
of people walking out
'but they just didn't seem
to know who it was'
'and they directed me to you.'
'You think you could deliver it
to the proper party?'
[all applauding]
[indistinct chatter]
Uh, thank you very much, uh..
Uh, let-let-let..
[clears throat]
Let me, uh,
begin by saying, uh, that..
[coughs]
Sorry. Excuse me.
I-I wanna, I wanna, uh,
I wanna thank you very much
for this-this wonderful award.
Since you members of the, uh,
press club have chosen me
to-to be your altruistic person
I-I feel...that it is my, uh..
...my-my responsibility
to-to warn you that
altruism isn't all
that it's cracked up to be.
The-the dictionary
says that, uh, altruism is
an unselfish concern for others.
That's very incomplete.
What the dictionary neglects
to mention is that
extending a helping hand
guarantees you only one thing
bruised fingers from the
from the thankless foot
of humanity.
'And I come to you, a man
with bruised fingers.'
I, I know you're thinking that
that's some kind of..
'...blasphemy..'
...but I, uh, promise you
that I'm only speaking
from harsh experience.
Doing things for others
has definite drawbacks.
Help, especially
the unsolicited kind.
It-it usually is ignored
or abused or turned on you.
You're called a buttinsky,
or a busybody.
Or even worse,
a platoon leader.
It's not exactly the kind of
reward that an altruistic person
might expect.
But it's the one that
you're likely to get.
Except, sometimes,
I guess you do get a reward.
You, uh..
It's not something tangible,
like public recognition
or plaques or something
you can take to the bank.
It's, uh, more like..
Well, like the reward
of seeing someone
'that you've helped
begin to help themselves'
'or watching them
become a better person'
or an independent person.
Yes, I-I think
it's the independence
that makes the difference.
When a person tells you that, uh
your help is no longer needed
or wanted,
you, you shouldn't tune out.
When they say that
they can make it on their own
'you shouldn't stand
in the way.'
It's not always easy,
but you have to sort of
stand back, and, and hope
that they'll be alright.
That maybe they'll even
go out and help somebody else.
And I guess that's
the real reward.
I guess that's what altruism
is all about.
And, uh, and take it from
a man with bruised fingers..
You can never quit.
Thank you.
[applauding]
- You did well.
- Yeah.
Well, how did you kids get in?
Oh, Elizabeth bribed
the man at the door.
Elizabeth, you shouldn't have.
Why not?
Dad said to use my own money.
Well, dad, what are we gonna do
now? You're the platoon leader.
- Yeah, just for tonight though.
- Oh, gosh.
I don't know exactly.
Anything you want I guess.
I want a soda
and some bugs for my frog.
Okay. Alright. You got it, son.
Uh-oh, let me get some money,
I think I just..
Oh, no! I don't believe this.
You don't know what I did.
- My speech!
- What's that?
- Oh, no!
- Are you kidding me?
I put it in my pocket
so I wouldn't forget it
and-and I went and forgot it.
Oh, well, it wasn't
much good anyway.
I think it was overwritten.
Alright, platoon, let's go.
- Alright.
- Okay, dad.
Dad, do we still
have to order the same thing?
No. Everyone gets
what he or she wants tonight.
- Okay. Let's go.
- Let's go. Come on!
French Fries.
I want the French Fries.
- Oh, hold it, everybody.
- What?
Now, I've got to
make a pit stop.
Yeah.
[theme music]
02x10 - I Quit
Watch/Buy Amazon
The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.
The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.