- David, what's "demonstrating?"
- Huh?
Dad said you and Mary
used to get arrested
in school for demonstrating.
Oh, hey, here.
Earn while you learn.
You see, Nicholas
when you believe
in something strongly
and you want somebody
to do something
about it, you demonstrate.
Oh, well, what do you do?
You pick it,
you march, you sit in.
- Sit in?
- 'Yeah.'
That's when you occupy a place
and you don't move
until you get what you want.
Oh, well, what about Nancy?
Nancy?
Yeah, she's demonstrating
in the bathroom.
Nancy's demonstrating
in the bathroom?
Yeah, she's been there
over half an hour.
And Susan's sitting there
bangin' on the door.
[chuckles]
No, see that's not
demonstrating, Nicholas.
That's called shampooing.
What's the matter?
Boy, for a big brother
you sure don't explain
things very well.
Why, you!
[clamoring]
[theme music]
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
Okay, okay, now, troops.
The only way to conquer
this job is teamwork.
Now, everybody pitches in
and pulls his or her own weight.
The unpleasantness
will soon be behind us.
There'll be
no goal breaking allowed.
Wait a second,
let me get this straight.
- Our house is a mess.
- A well-known fact.
And we wanna hire a maid.
Immediately, if not sooner.
So first we clean up the mess
and then we hire a maid?
You got it,
and on your first try, too.
That was great!
Fantastic, terrific, Elizabeth.
Well, what is the maid gonna do
when she gets here?
Mess the place up again?
No, Elizabeth,
what we're trying to do is
to put our cleanest foot forward
to make a good impression.
But, Abby, she's gonna think
she's in a house
full of sanitation workers.
[laughs]
Oh, no, only until
she gets to know us.
Now, we've all got
our assignments.
Are there any questions?
Yes, the little lady in
the blue blouse, speak up, yes.
- What are you in charge of?
- Oh, I'm glad you asked that.
Um, I'm in charge
of inspections.
Okay, troops,
now arm yourselves!
The battle of the century
awaits!
[telephone ringing]
Boy, oh, boy..
- Hello?
- Abby.
I-I've done something horrible.
I-I just got a call
from an out-of-town visitor.
Richard Connery.
His father, Pete, is my most
beloved drinking companion.
Well, what's so
horrible about that?
Well, if you're talking about
Pete and my drinking
I always got the hangovers.
Uh, but if you're talking
about his son..
[chuckles]
You know what I did?
I-I invited him over
to the house for drinks
without consulting you first.
Oh, well,
don't worry about that.
The first drink's for free
but, uh, if he wants a refill
he's gonna have to pitch in
on the cleaning detail.
Oh, I'll warn him.
- I love you.
- I love you. Bye!
What's your problem?
This house is disgusting,
there's green stuff
all around the tub.
[scoffs]
Yeah.
There's green stuff
all over this sandwich
Nicholas stashed
in the night stand too, yuck!
I'm just not cut out
for this work.
I would do anything,
anything to get out of it.
Yeah?
- How much?
- What?
How much would it
be worth to you?
In cash,
not to do the bathroom.
What are you suggesting,
little brother?
Step into my office,
big sister.
[vacuum cleaner whirring]
Obscene!
What?
You never really know someone
till you look under their bed.
What'd you find?
Underneath your bed..
...is a pile..
...of pre-historic
cigarette buds.
It was just a phase.
[laughs]
Hey!
Work harder, you guys!
I mean,
if it doesn't hurt
you're probably
not doing it right.
[clears throat]
[vacuum cleaner whirring]
Yeah, uh, Nancy,
could you move back there?
- Oh!
- Yeah. yeah.
Clean the whole room.
Do you know what's happening?
Do you have any idea of the
of the degenerate,
immoral, inhuman thing
'that has moved into
this very neighborhood?'
- What, porno movies?
- Yeah, we got rid of them once!
A-and now they're moving
right back in on us again.
Oh, not porno movies.
Darn!
We-we've got to get organized
today, right now!
Before it goes any further
this has got to be stopped.
Mary, what are you
so steamed up about?
That! This, right here.
That's it!
[laughing]
Susan! There!
We have got to get organized.
This entire family has got
to get organized now.
Uh, we already are organized.
You've got the screen porch.
No, no, Susan, I'm not talking
about house cleaning.
- I'm talking about--
- Here it comes.
I'm talking about morality.
Are you sure you're not talking
about porno movies?
Oh, I-I'm glad
that you're all here.
I would like you to hear this.
"Academic credit, leadership,
development, challenges
executive experience,
and earn $ while you do it."
Uh, what's the catch?
Hard work?
[chuckles]
Can we clean while we guess?
(Mary)
'The catch is, it's
the United States Military.'
The Pentagon w*r machine,
it's back!
The ROTC has returned
to our campuses.
Oh, where've you been, Mary,
they've had an office
at the gym for
a long time now, you know.
Yeah, they even have a flagpole.
[laughs]
That's cute.
That's-that's just terrific.
You mean, you guys have known
about this and you don't care?
Mary, do you know how long ago
that ROTC stuff was?
It's ancient history.
I don't even remember
what was on TV then.
Well, you know,
things change, don't they?
[exhales]
Mary, it's only the Reserve
Officer's Training Corps.
I mean, don't you think you're
getting a little carried away?
No, I don't think I'm getting
carried away, not at all!
We're talking about
the military industrial complex
sneaking right back
on to our campuses.
I mean, t-they're putting
they're putting our guys
in uniform.
'Their putting g*ns
in their hands.'
Abby, it's Vietnam
all over again!
Okay, truce, everybody.
Now-now, those of you
who are cleaning
could you get back to your
cleaning and those of you
who are not cleaning could you
go pick up Nicholas
he had to stay after school?
- Nicholas?
- Yeah.
Abby, h-how do you feel
about this, huh?
Like a UN observer.
Mary, Nicholas is waiting.
Nicholas is waiting!
- Nicholas is waiting.
- 'Nicholas is waiting!'
(Mary)
'Apples away! Ha-ha!'
[sighs]
[instrumental music]
Hi, Derek!
Hey, the principal really laid
into you, huh, Nicholas?
Yeah, Maloney is the one
that starts the fight.
And I'm the one
she keeps an hour late
after everyone else
has gone home.
Everybody hasn't gone home.
Maloney's still here
with some of his buddies.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
That way.
Mm, well, lucky for him
I'm goin' this way.
Where's Bradford?
Bradford who?
[upbeat music]
Out of my way!
Make me, shrimp!
Make me, make you.
Anytime, creep.
[car horn]
Nicholas!
Coming.
Saved again, Nicholas,
by your sister.
I tell you, Pete's son, Richard
could really give our kids
a lesson or two.
I mean, he treats his father
so well with so much respect.
'He even laughs
at his jokes.'
They get along so well it's hard
to believe they're related.
[laughs]
You know, well,
some people like quality
and others like quantity.
Yeah, I guess you
can't have both.
Tom, I was teasing.
You've got quality, too.
[bell rings]
Oh!
That's probably Richard.
Now you'll see what I mean
when I bring you meet him.
He's really terrific.
Wait, wait.
Thomas, wait for me.
Dad, he's here.
Hi, come on in.
- Uh, I'm Mary.
- Hi. Richard Connery.
Hi!
Richard! Oh, boy,
is it nice to see you again?
- How you doing?
- It's been a long time.
This is my wife,
Abby. Richard.
- You've already met Mary.
- Yeah, we met.
Oh, this guy caused me
more trouble as a kid, huh?
Let me give a..
How about a drink?
- Alright.
- Oh, good.
Oh, uh, Richard, this is,
uh, some of the family.
Uh, Susan and, uh, Joannie.
- I'm Joannie.
- Richard Connery.
- Hi.
- And Nancy--
Wouldn't you know?
We are out of ice.
Here, girls,
go get some ice for Richard.
Listen,
I wanna here all about it.
- How's that?
- Come on, sit down.
- Hey, Nancy.
- Yes, Elizabeth?
Why is dad
making such a big deal
over this Richard Connery guy?
- Oh, I don't know. Beats me.
- Me too.
[sighs]
You know
I'm getting awfully tired
of this house cleaning thing
Abby's gotten us into.
I've already broken
two fingernails
washing the windows.
Well, maybe
you should talk to Tommy.
Tommy's patching fingernails?
No, he's washing windows.
- Mm, that's a change.
- Could you use your fingers?
You're getting.. We only got
two ice cubes in here so far.
- Come on.
- Okay, but don't tell anybody.
I wouldn't.
Let's get out of here.
You sure you won't stay
for dinner, Richard?
How about another drink?
- Oh, okay.
- Great.
But, uh, easier, please.
I'm my father's son.
Not my father.
I really can't stay, Mary,
but thanks.
So, when'd you get into town?
Oh, I wish
you hadn't asked that.
I got strict orders
from the old man
to call Tom the moment I got in.
But, uh, work's been
kind of hectic, you know?
What kind of work do you do?
Music? Sports?
Tommy, you're looking at a guy
with no rhythm
and semi-flat feet.
[chuckles]
Actually, I'm regular army.
The captain.
(Tom)
'His father
was a brigadier general.'
An army captain in Sacramento?
Was Sacramento at w*r
or something?
No, but if it was,
we'd be ready.
'I mean, it's more image-making
than w*r-making.'
I'm setting up the new,
uh, recruiting office
at the university.
[humming]
E-excuse me.
Uh, do I have ring around
the collar or something?
Uh, no, it's just
a little family joke.
Yeah, only I'm not laughing.
See, Richard, Mary is still
carrying a grudge
against the military
on campus.
Oh.
Well, in that case, I'm glad
I didn't come over in uniform.
Yeah.
Listen,
I'd be in the army myself
but I, uh,
have a physical disability.
- What dad?
- No guts.
[all laugh]
Hey, I heard a good one
about the army the other day.
- Oh, you never give good ones.
- Since this captain, they..
'Now, you say about the soldier,
but the Medal of Valor'
'for saving a whole regiment..'
'He shot the cook!'
[all cheering]
[dramatic music]
Tom, maybe if you ask her
to come down for dinner.
No, I doubt it.
Mary has never been
want to let food
interfere with her
political convictions.
And I'm not one to let her
rudeness interfere with my food.
End of conversation. Would you
pass the string beans, please?
I love them.
Nicholas, you're not eating.
- I'm not hungry.
- Oh.
Are you having a sympathetic
hunger strike for Mary?
Or you're celebrating
your heroics at school today?
I heard all about it.
- He started it!
- Of course.
In the history of fights,
there's never been one started
by the guy you're talking to.
Yeah, well, see, there's this
big jerk called Maloney and--
Oh, please, Nicholas,
spare us the gory details.
'And if he is big and a jerk'
that's even more reason
that you should back off.
Yeah, well, what if he does?
Well, then he'd look
sort of silly
standing there,
fighting with himself.
Hi, everybody.
- Hey, Jim.
- Is there anything left?
- Oh, yeah, there's plenty.
- Oh, good.
'Cause I'm really hungry.
I worked up an appetite
hauling all that stuff
back to the dump.
'We're giving them
an awful lot of business.'
I think they're thinking
of renaming it
to "Bradford Memorial."
Something or other..
Is it my imagination or is it
awfully quiet around here?
No, it's awfully
quiet around here.
That's what I thought.
What's wrong?
Certain members of this family
are declaring a w*r
on the ROTC
and some big jerk named Maloney.
[instrumental music]
- Uh, you missed a couple.
- Hmm?
Oh, I'll get back to them.
- A big job?
- Yes.
"From each
according to his ability
"to each according to
his needs."
Karl Marx.
I didn't know
we were communists.
Oh, we're not.
Only when we're cleaning.
Oh, speaking of cleaning,
I've got a proposition for you.
sh**t.
Well, I think
I'm in the position
to take your cleaning jobs
off your hands
for a slight consideration.
Ahem!
Close the door.
How slight?
Five bucks?
That's slight?
"Two each
according to his ability."
Oh, you're on.
Oh, l-listen, Tommy, uh,
could you do something for me?
I am doing something.
I'm cleaning your study.
Yeah, but this
is not actually for me.
It's really for Nicholas.
Oh, he already owes me cents.
Oh, Tommy,
when are you gonna learn
that everything around here
is not on the cash basis.
I mean, this is in the interest
of peace and harmony.
Not to mention
the orthopedic bill.
Now, here's what
I want you to do.
Tomorrow,
go to Nicholas's school
and walk him home from school.
You mean like a bodyguard?
Yeah, sort of, only don't
make it look obvious.
Just make it look like
"Oh, I just happened
to drop by."
- I gotcha.
- Good.
You know, uh..
...you better make that
seven fifty.
Boy, it's so quiet
around here.
It's spooky.
Yeah.
It won't last though.
Dad's dinner will be digested
pretty soon and then..
Mm, I just wish
he'd get it over with.
It's like waiting
for a thunderstorm to hit.
Yeah.
(Tom)
'Why does Sedan use it?'
(Mary)
'Stop hyperventilating!'
Uh-oh, I think I just heard
the first rain drop.
I'm not hyperventilating
I'm steaming!
Dad, w-why do you always get
so-so bent out of shape
over trivial things?
Oh, trivial, huh?
Since when is being rude
to a guest in my house
qualify as being trivial?
Some guest?
Dad, an-an army captain.
I mean, I can't believe
this whole thing.
That-that gross wretched,
Pentagon w*r machine
sneaks right back
into the campus.
Why don't you just
confine yourself
to the subject
that we were talking about?
If you don't remember,
it was being rude
to a guest in this house.
We're not talking
about etiquette
we're talking about morality.
Oh, come off with that morality.
Those people are doing what
you're paying them to do.
That's right, Mary, you!
The wretched gross voter,
the tax payer.
You know something,
you're beginning to sound
like a typical tool
of the media.
Isn't that amazing?
You know what I am?
I am a tool of the media.
The Sacramento registered,
to be precise.
Who do you think
pays the bills around here?
Hush money.
That's it, hush money!
Hush money. It's a conspiracy
and you don't even see it.
Okay, look,
if you have an opinion
that you wanna express and I've
never known you not have one.
I'll tell you what
I want you to do.
Go and dump it on
my co-conspirator's desk.
Yeah, why not?
I mean, if you really think
that the ROTC
is destroying civilization
the way you and I know it
well then, why yell at me?
I mean, give it to the editors
and yell at everybody.
When you'll just see
that it's printed, right?
Oh, no, no, no.
You'll see that it's printed.
By making it lucent, concise,
neat and to the point.
And double-spaced
on one side of the paper.
[typewriter keys clacking]
[instrumental music]
Excuse me. Uh, I'm looking
for Richard Connery.
Oh, sure, just a moment.
I'll get him for you.
- Thank you.
- Uh, captain?
Uh, there's somebody
here to see you.
- Hey, Mary!
- Hi.
- How you doing?
- Fine. How are you?
Wow, you're looking good today.
You're little out of context,
aren't you?
Boy, am I out of context.
Well, I don't know, uh
we're taking women these days.
I mean, we are an equal
opportunity employer.
Oh, well, I appreciate
the offer, Richard
but k*lling is not exactly
my area of expertise.
Oh, I see.
Well, what if we, uh
started you out as a secretary
and, uh, you kind of
work your way up to k*lling?
- Can't type.
- 'That's too bad.'
There's a serious shortage
of K*llers
with secretarial skills.
You're a comedian.
Listen, Richard, I came here
to apologize to you
for my rudeness, last night.
Last night?
Oh, oh, you're dramatic exit.
You see, I seem to have
this thing about the military.
Yeah, lot of people
seem to these days.
We're not terribly loved.
'Well, I just want you to know'
that it wasn't anything
personal.
And I'm sorry.
Apology accepted.
Good.
I, uh, I wrote a letter
to the registrar, last night
and I think that
maybe if you read it
you'll understand.
Okay, sure.
Good.
See you.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
Why do I have this feeling
I've just been saved
to subpoena?
Oh, boy.
Here we go again, Joe.
"People of this country
do now want to be reminded
"that of what institutions like
the ROTC stand for.
Just what is it
they stand for?"
"They stand for Vietnam
with all its political gaps."
Oh, and-and so forth.
Skip to the end
of that paragraph.
You've read it.
Yes, our editor was good enough
to leave a copy in my box
this morning.
Is he gonna run it?
The evening edition.
Apparently,
there's some new kind of, uh
family equal-time policy
on his paper.
She really comes on strong.
She always has.
Listen,
when is the copy deadline
for the evening edition?
An hour and a half.
Yo-you're gonna reply?
Well, equal time.
Yeah, w-what about
yesterday's column?
Um, uh,
"Saving the Redwoods?"
They'll have to make it
on their own.
Some other time.
Okay.
It's your home life.
And it's also my column.
- Scram.
- Oh, yes, sir.
[instrumental music]
[indistinct chatter]
Hey!
Hey, what's going on?
What are you doing here?
I'm on a scavenger hunt.
I'll tell you what,
why don't you walk me home?
What for?
'Cause of Maloney.
Let's go.
So, where'd you go?
We went to the Pelican Room.
- The Pelican Room?
- It's here! It's here.
- What's here? What's here?
- My letter, my letter.
- Listen to this.
- Big deal, Mary.
Yeah, you read it to us
three times already.
Come on, will you,
will you be quite for a minute?
I don't bel..
I don't believe this.
They-they left out
the whole paragraph
about Johnson and Nixon.
Hey, hey,
are you Indignant Reader?
Yes, I am.
Well, look,
you made dad's column today.
- He didn't.
- He did.
He did, And look,
he used Thoreau against you.
Thoreau?
But Thoreau's on our side.
But Thoreau, uh, went to jail
rather than the, uh..
- Tax.
- Tax-tax for the Mexican w*r.
- Hey.
- Where is it?
There it is, right here.
"It was Thoreau himself
"the blessed inventor
of civil disobedience
"who said
"If man does not keep pace
with his companions
"perhaps it is because
he hears a different drummer.
"Let him step
to the music which he hears
however measured or far away."
Boy, y-you talk about quoting
somebody out of context, huh?
Um, hm, "Indignant Reader,"
alright.
Indignant?
No, I'm not indignant.
Not at all.
I'm furious!
That's what I am, I'm furious.
I can't believe this.
She's so cute when she's mad.
[giggles]
Furious? With me?
I would say that's
a pretty fair description.
The funny thing is that
before she read your column
'she was in a very mellow mood.'
Well, how did that happen?
Oh, it seems that she had
dropped by the ROTC office
on campus to apologize
to Richard
for her behavior last night.
Hm, well, at least
she's recovered her manners
if not her judgement.
Hmm.
She seems to be
quite taken with him.
Huh? Mary taken with the tool
of the military?
- Yup.
- Uh-uh.
They are as far apart
as Archie Bunker and Meathead.
Or Tracy and Hepburn.
Hey, did you, did you know
that they fought
all the time too?
Well, all I know is
that she said that
he was sharp as a tack
had a sense of humor
and accepted her apology
quite graciously.
Does she know
he's coming to dinner?
[giggles]
Yeah. And, uh, she said
she was looking forward to it.
[doorbell dings]
Coming. Here I am.
- Hey, Richard, how are you?
- Hey. How're you doing?
Nice to see you. Come on in.
Look, uh, a bottle of something
for dinner.
- Oh, that was nice of you.
- Yeah, peace offering.
Very nice. Appreciate it.
Oh, and listen,
don't worry about Mary.
She's completely over now.
She promises to be
on her best behavior.
Come on to the living room,
I'll make you make you a drink.
Oh, that's too bad.
Uh, what's too bad?
Oh, you mean about Mary?
Yeah, I was kinda
looking forward
to tonight's, uh, maneuvers.
Uh-huh. Maneuvers.
You know, that's quite
a daughter you got there.
Bright, sharp, lots of class
and character.
You know, I like feisty women.
They turn me on.
They, uh, turn you on?
It's just a matter of speaking.
[instrumental music]
Hey, come on, you guys.
Company.
But why not ask dad?
Nicholas, dad is strictly
non-violent.
He'll give you all that business
about sitting down
and talking it over.
Yeah, but we already did
and Maloney said he's gonna
punch my lights out.
Well, that's why
you ought to talk to Richard.
He's a pro. They teach you
that stuff in the army.
Yeah, but that's airplanes
and tanks and things.
Nicholas, have you ever heard of
hand-to-hand combat?
You know, uh, karate, kung-fu?
The martial arts?
They really teach you that stuff
in the army?
Yeah,
it's like in the old movies.
Audie Murphy wiping out
a whole German machine g*n nest
with his bare hands.
Pow! Pow!
Hah! Hah!
- Alright, stop it. Alright.
- Hiya! Hiya!
Save it for after dinner,
k*ller.
[grunts]
Tommy, Nicholas.
Dinner.
Okay, Nicholas,
why don't you go on downstairs?
- I got some stuff to do.
- Okay.
Okay, Maloney.
[grunting]
[grunting]
[grunting]
Who are you?
I'm Audie Murphy.
[grunting]
Audie who?
[speaking in Spanish]
You know, a maid.
A-a cleaning lady? Uh..
[speaking in Spanish]
Oh, th-this
is the answering service.
Uh, from : to :.
Monday through Friday.
Uh, gracias.
[sighs]
So, there we were.
Your father and me
aren't leaving so.
Anyway, we wind up
in this little joint.
Your father and I
were sitting there
and all of a sudden we see
that there are these
two redneck grunts
'and they start
to give us the business.'
I look at your father,
you father looks at me.
We know right away
that if we wanna get out
of there alive
'we better make a run for it.'
So, your father runs to the bar
and he tosses me
a bottle of rice wine.
And I take it
like a triple threat back
and I toss it as if it were
a grenade right at the grunts.
With that, the two of us
hit the door, run out
and we went right into--
(all)
Six military policemen.
[laughing]
- American.
- American.
- Australian.
- Australian.
- And Turkish.
- And Turkish.
And the provost marshal
at theater headquarters.
[laughing]
Isn't there anyone that
I haven't told that story to?
Not around here.
Anyway, Richard,
did your father ever tell you
about the time
that we were in Melbourne?
This is fantastic story,
and it's true.
Tom, I'm sure
Richard's heard them all.
- Oh.
- Well, most of 'em, anyway.
Except, the way I heard it
the third MP was British
not Turkish.
Oh, no. Definitely not.
He was Turkish.
He was six foot four, two
hundred and twenty five pounds
and he had a big, thick,
black mustache.
He was Turkish.
[clears throat]
Oh, uh, Mary, I read
your letter to the editor.
And, um, I respect the strength
of your convictions.
But you don't agree with him,
right?
Well, now what would I be doing
in this monkey suit
if I thought that
a standing army was obsolete.
(Mary)
'The uniform's not the problem.'
It's the use of-of taxpayer's
money to support
the recruiting of young,
impressionable minds.
They make it sound so exotic
and-and romantic.
"Join the army,
see the world."
Oh, yes, yes,
it's, uh, very romantic.
So far I've, uh, I've seen
small parts of, uh, New Jersey
'uh, Arkansas,
and Northern California.'
But that's just it.
It's a rip off.
Well, tell me this.
What's the difference
between the army
and, uh, a major corporation
recruiting on campuses?
Not much, but-but at least
they are not tax supported.
No, not directly
but, uh, we end up paying
higher, uh, consumer costs.
Look, Richard, nobody has to buy
a-a car or computer
but we all
have to pay income tax.
Try stiffing Uncle Sam.
[dramatic music]
Nancy, are you kidding?
You call that rinse?
- Oh, you're a professional.
- Come on.
[clamoring]
Oh, come on, come on.
Here you go.
Uh-uh, the boys
are entertaining Richard.
- Lucky Richard.
- So, where's you father?
Uh, well, he's on
a long distance phone call
and Mary's upstairs
in the bathroom.
Yeah, reapplying her eyelashes.
You mean putting lead
in her boxing gloves?
Did you see those two go at it?
Yeah, I know.
You know,
I haven't seen Mary so worked up
about a guy since Doug.
Uh, do you remember
what happened with Doug?
They hated each other so much
they moved in together.
Oh, come on, you guys,
you don't really think
she digs him, do you?
Oh, sure, she does. Mary only
likes guys she hates.
But an army captain?
I mean, she practically
called him a fascist.
"The lady doth protest
too much, me thinks."
"As You Like It."
Act two, scene three.
"Hamlet."
Act three, scene two.
Oh, what do you say we stop
gossiping and finish the dishes?
- Me thinks we might.
- I think we better.
[giggling]
Uh, to tell you the truth,
Nicholas, uh
they kinda frown on guys
punching each other
out in the army.
They throw you
in the brig for that.
Well, Richard,
what Nicholas means
is the hand-to-hand
combat stuff.
You know, judo, karate.
Things like that.
Yeah, and if you can
teach me some of that
I'd really be able
to get it on Maloney.
Well, what do you need?
Hm, he's a pretty big guy.
(Richard)
'Uh, do you want him, uh'
laid up in the hospital
for few weeks
or just may be
break an arm or leg?
Gee, I don't really
know about that.
(Richard)
'Hey, well, what's
the use of warming up'
'if you don't intend to pitch?'
Do they really teach you
how to break arms and legs
in the army?
That's right.
Here's your .
Yeah, but, uh, we try very hard
not to let it come in handy.
I mean, busting up people
and k*lling them
is something
we don't relate to.
Well, then what's the army for?
(Richard)
'Well, what's
the fire department for?'
I mean, you-you keep it around,
you spend a lot of money on it.
With any kind of luck,
it's for nothing.
(Nicholas)
'Yeah, but what about
all those guys on TV'
fighting and dying?
Nobody's in the army for
the purpose of dying, Nicholas
or even for fighting,
when common sense says don't.
See, if you're up
against an army
that's, that's bigger than you
or, or has you out numbered
'you back up and split.'
Commonly know as
strategic withdrawal or retreat.
One of our best soldiers
was a guy named
uh, George Washington
and retreat was his best move.
- Really?
- 'Absolutely.'
So, uh, still interested
in learning how
to break arms and legs?
[chuckles]
[instrumental music]
[indistinct chatter]
- Well, I wanna tell my col--
- Wait, I wanna hear--
[all clamoring]
Hold it, hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it, hold it!
I hate to, uh, break all this
up, but I gotta go.
Oh, no, please, don't go,
Richard. It's early.
Well, I gotta
punch in at :.
You gotta keep the taxpayers
happy, huh, Mary?
[all laughing]
Well, uh,
I'll see Richard out.
- Bye, Richard.
- Bye, Richard.
Hey, see you later.
- Don't make it so long.
- 'Yeah.'
- Bye, Richard, see you.
- Good to see you.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
Oh, I don't believe it.
She let him get in a last shot
without a comeback.
Looks like she's slowing down
in her old age, huh?
Yeah, maybe she really
dig some, huh?
I wanna thank you,
Richard.
For what?
Well, for maybe straightening
Nicholas out a little bit.
You were very impressive
in there.
Some of it
has gotta sink in.
Well, frankly, I don't think
Nicholas is, uh
the violent type.
Listen, I-I haven't
been very fair to you.
Vietnam wasn't your fault.
What is this,
another apology?
No, not really.
It's just something that..
...that I wanna say for me
and you can listen,
if you wanna listen.
Okay, go ahead.
[dramatic music]
There was this guy
in high school
and his name was Dennis.
Big, big lug
of a guy, you know
but sweet
wouldn't hurt a fly.
I-I mean, the w*r was over,
Richard
and-and we were pulling out,
but Dennis didn't make it.
[music continues]
From months after that,
I-I couldn't get
his, his face
out of my mind.
Every time I close my eyes
I-I saw a sweet young--
Hey, hey, hey,
listen, listen, listen.
Listen, lots of people
lost someone over there.
But Dennis wasn't
a somebody yet, Richard.
He was .
I mean, he didn't
have, have the chance
to grow up to be a man,
to fall in love
h-he never had that chance.
[sobbing]
Hey, I understand,
I understand.
And my best friend was k*lled
in the Mayaguez incident
two years after Dennis.
[music continues]
I know what you're saying.
Okay.
[sighs]
Get to bed, Nicholas!
I'm coming up there
in five minutes
and if you're not..
[instrumental music]
[yawns]
I feel like I haven't
slept all week.
Who is upstairs making
all the noise last night?
Your father, he said
he couldn't sleep
but he didn't say why.
So how are you doin'?
I'm alright.
You know, that's the problem
with insomnia in this house.
When one has it,
we all suffer.
It's true, it's true.
What are you doing?
I thought Joannie and Susan
had this job in the kitchen.
So did I, but, you know,
it is the strangest thing.
Every time I ask
how the house cleaning's coming
I get answers like, "fine,
great, no problem," you know
but I never see any results.
Watch this.
Hey, Tommy, um
how's your end of
the house cleaning coming?
Oh, fine, great, no problem.
I've got an appointment
before school.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Do you see what I mean?
I mean,
it is totally frustrating.
It's driving me crazy.
I don't know
what I'm gonna do.
So, Elizabeth, um..
...how is the bathroom
cleaning coming?
Hah, fine, great,
no problem.
Listen, I gotta
get ready for school.
- Goodbye.
- Bye.
I don't know.
I don't know.
[woman speaking in Spanish]
Buenos dias.
Uh, me llamo Tommy Bradford.
Como stosted.
Uh, Como starsted?
Uh, como stamo usted?
I could've swore
that was a second-person
plural indicative.
(female #)
'I believe it was
a third-person'
plural indicative.
I was educated
in your country.
Oh.
'Are you interested
in domestic service?'
Si, uh-uh, I mean..
- I mean, yes.
- Good.
Why don't you sit down
and fill out an application?
Oh, you can fill it out
in English.
Yeah, that'd be...
mui suporoso.
Abby?
Abby!
Tom, you're home early.
What's wrong? What's wrong?
Are you coming down
with something?
No, no, I'm not coming down
with anything.
I can't hold it any longer.
I'm very upset.
Have you noticed what's going on
between Richard and Mary?
Yes, what goes on between Mary
and most people, friction.
No, no, no. They're having
some kind of a thing.
- You're crazy.
- I'm not crazy.
I'm not crazy at all.
Look, I'm a trained observer,
and I've seen it.
That's why I was
up last night
I caught them
in an unguarded moment
and it, it looked very deep
and thoughtful and tender.
There are at least two deep,
thoughtful and tender ones
going on here
everyday of the week.
No, no, this looked like
it could lead
to a meaningful relationship.
Not that I have anything
against Richard, mind you.
I like him, I always have.
It's just that..
...Mary doesn't realize
what this could lead to
the complications,
the hassles.
What are you really
worried about?
[dramatic music]
[sighs]
Me, I guess.
Abby, I don't know,
I try to think of myself
as a, as an understanding,
liberal man in the s.
But, I don't know.
I mean, it's not
like we're living in
the Union of South Africa.
What is it, Abby?
Am I a bigot?
No, no, you're not.
Tom, really, sincerely
I don't see
what the problem is.
The problem is
we're not intellectualizing
at a cocktail party.
The problem is
this is a real life situation.
[car approaching]
[instrumental music]
The problem is in
front of the house.
Boy, you are a stubborn
and bull-headed man.
Mary, your opinions
are-are intelligent, lucid
and-and well intentioned.
They also happen to differ
radically from my own.
Okay, okay, look
you've got a duty to do,
as you see it
and I've got a duty, too.
And I'm warning you
that I'm gonna fight your ROTC
with everything I've got.
Oh, well, as they say
"All's fair in love and w*r."
Enemies?
[laughs]
Enemies.
[music continues]
Tom, why don't
you just ask Mary
about her real-life
situation?
[knocking on door]
Come in.
W-what are you doing here?
Are you sick or..
No, no, I'm not sick,
I was worried about you.
I noticed that, uh,
Richard drove you home.
Yeah, well,
I-I guess you could say
we kinda work
at the same place, you know.
Yeah, look,
I don't want you getting
into this thing over your head.
This thing with Richard,
I mean.
Really? W-why not?
Because, uh, well..
U-uh, you're not aware
of-of what this thing is.
I mean, things are not always as
simple as you make them, Mary.
Simple? Dad, this thing is just
about as simple as you can get.
Look, aren't you
the one who always said
'stick by what you believe in?'
Besides believing,
maybe you should do
a little thinking
from time to time.
I don't want you to get hurt.
'Now, just stop and think
about the ramifications.'
Ramifications?
Dad, is it, is it me
you're worried about
or, or you?
'Or maybe your relationship'
'with Richard's father,
or what?'
I mean..
I mean, I..
I don't know what I mean.
Okay.
When you do, maybe
that would be a better time
to talk about it, huh?
[children clamoring]
Hi, champ,
how are you doing?
Oh, okay, I guess.
What are you doing
around here?
Oh, I figured
I'd cruise by.
I had an extra banana.
- Figured you might like it.
- Sure.
Lot of teachers out here.
When do they eat?
Oh, when nobody's fighting.
You know, Nicholas
it's a funny thing
about bullies.
They're most dangerous
when there's a big crowd around
so that they can show off.
But you get a bully alone
and they are usually
not much interested
in mixing things up.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Now, I'm not telling you
to go out and get in
a fight or anything.
Fighting never solves
any problems.
Yeah, that's what
dad always says.
And he's right.
You know what dad also told me
when I was about your age?
"When all else fails
cover your head
and leave with your left."
Hey, David,
thanks for the banana.
Anytime, champ.
Ah, anybody home?
Hey! Hey, Tom,
how are you doing?
Alright, okay,
it's a nice place you have here.
Yeah, thanks, thanks.
You want some coffee or--
Ah, no, no, thanks, thanks.
I, uh, I was having
a talk with Mary, and I..
Poor guy. I had one with her
myself this morning.
Listen, I tell you, Richard
I-I'm very concerned
about you and her.
Well, we've known
each other long enough
to talk straight
to each other.
This thing is, uh,
something that just, you know
just happens.
It's nobody's fault.
I mean,
Mary is a, a fine person
she's a warm person
with good instincts
and I'm sure she is a joy
to all her friends.
Look, we don't, um,
have to analyze it.
No, no, we do, we do, Tom.
What I'm trying to say is
Mary is not required
to be a joy to everybody
and the fact that she rubs
some people the wrong way
well, that's, uh,
that's no reflection on her
or on you, or on me,
for that matter.
Wait a minute,
I-I don't, uh, follow you.
Well, Mary's strong-willed,
I mean, she's stubborn.
She's probably the most
opinionative woman
I've ever met.
Suddenly I get
the feeling that, uh
you don't like her very much.
Well, it's a free country, Tom.
I mean, nobody has
to like anybody.
[instrumental music]
I cannot believe
what I'm hearing.
Hey, I'm just
being upfront, Tom.
I mean, actually
I don't dislike her, I mean, I..
I'm just tired of
not getting along with her
and I hope this doesn't
affect our relationship.
Oh, but it does.
Uh, but not the way
you imagined.
I-I, uh, I..
It's incredible.
Why don't we g-get together
tonight and have dinner
and then we can talk
about it some more?
- How about it?
- Well, I'd like to.
But, uh, I can't.
Got a previous at Berkeley.
You-you've always got
a previous at Berkeley.
What has Berkeley got?
[music continues]
Her name is Vicky.
'Marvelous, huh?'
When she gets her masters
we're announcing
our engagement.
Congratulations.
Has your father
met her yet?
No, but, uh,
he's crazy about her.
What?
Well, you know,
how it is with these
old-fashioned liberals.
[both laughing]
You want me
to keep you company?
Nope.
Sometimes a guy's gotta
do things all by himself.
[music continues]
You guys go that way.
What are you waiting for,
Bradford, a bus?
I'm waiting for you.
It's just you and me
and we're gonna
settle this thing
once and for all.
- Yeah?
- Yeah!
- Says who?
- Says me.
Now, you're gonna talk or fight?
I don't know,
let's talk about it first.
- Okay, you start.
- No, you.
- You first.
- No, you first.
- You started it!
- Did not!
- Did to!
- Yeah?
Yeah!
[music continues]
Hey.
You need a ride?
- No, thanks.
- What happened?
- 'With what?'
- With Maloney.
Oh, I told him
if he hassles me again
I'm gonna punch him out.
Oh, I see.
Well, listen, two things.
One, don't take all afternoon
getting home.
And two?
Two
stop pushing people around,
alright?
[sighs]
[bag pops]
Oh, my gosh!
- Come on, Nicholas.
- Nicholas!
Would you put the apples in
the bag and stop playing, huh?
- Where's the mayonnaise?
- You want mustard?
- Elizabeth, is this mine?
- Yeah.
- Is this sandwich mine?
- I want, I want the mayonnaise.
May I have your attention,
please?
Ah, may I have
your attention, please?
Why won't they listen to me?
Oh, alright,
listen to Abby
she's going to say
something exciting.
Yes, this, you see,
this thing
has gone on long enough.
Now, I-I really want to know
exactly
what's going on here,
and I will not take
"fine, great, no problem"
for an answer.
So, w-would someone,
would you all please tell me
why is this house
still a mess?
Knowing that we Bradford's
traditionally
take the easy way out
I figured I would give
each of you a chance
to buy his or her way out
of their cleaning assignment.
And let me say you have all
lived up to my expectations.
[chuckles]
That's terrific, honey,
that's great.
But see, that doesn't
get the house cleaned
and that means that
we don't get a maid.
Ah, yes, yes
- But we do, we do.
- How?
You see, I managed
to collect $.
Twenty of which
we will take to buy a maid
for the initial clean up
after that
we're home free.
What about the extra $?
Well, hey, guy's gotta
make a profit somewhere.
I mean, I thought up
this brilliant scheme.
- Oh, good.
- I might have known.
[doorbell dings]
Hey, okay, okay,
that's her, that's her.
Nobody be nervous, okay?
I'm coming!
Everybody be normal.
Coming!
- Buenos dias.
- Oh, Buenos dias.
"Juanita."
Ah, come in.
Everybody, I want you
to meet Juanita.
Juanita..
...mi familia.
So familia?
Uno, dos, tres, cuatro
cinco, seis, siete.
Siete en una casa?
You forgot me.
Ocho? Imposible!
[speaking in Spanish]
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Wait a minute! Come back!
I'll give you a bonus.
She split.
All that work
and all that time
and she splits on me.
Tommy, you've got
dos choices.
Uno, you can
keep the money
and clean the entire
house yourself.
Are you kidding?
Or dos, you can, uh, hire back
your brothers and sisters.
Well, guys...I tried.
And it looks like
we are going to end up
cleaning the house ourselves.
Ah, $?
I wouldn't do the bathroom
for less than five.
But you only gave me four.
Girl's gotta make
a profit somehow.
[clears throat]
Six fifty, please.
Yeah, twelve at least,
come on.
Okay, just give me a !
A $?
I think I'm going bankrupt.
Okay, then just
give me a twenty.
[all laughing]
[instrumental music]
Do you think we'll ever
get this house cleaned?
Oh, yes. I mean,
Rome wasn't cleaned in a day.
Cleaned in..
Oh, I see you're being comical.
[laughing]
So how is the study coming?
Well, I'm working on it.
No, really,
cleaning is like writing
you have to get into it.
So, when are you going
to get into it?
- I'm not into it yet.
- Hey, dad, what's for dinner?
Potluck.
Hey, listen, do you think I can
spend the night at Maloney's?
Tomorrow is not a school day.
- Maloney?
- The bully?
Why would you want
to do that?
Well, two things.
- One, he asked me.
- And?
And, two
they're having spare ribs.
Oh, spare ribs.
He always says that wrong.
- It drives me crazy.
- I always say spare ribs.
- How do you say it?
- Spare...ribs.
Give him a spare rib.
[theme music]
[music continues]
02x11 - All's Fair in Love and w*r
Watch/Buy Amazon
The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.
The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.