02x15 - A Hair of the Dog

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music]

Uh.

What's this stuff?

(Abby)

'It's hollandaise

sauce mix.'

Uh. Huh?

'Hollandaise sauce.'

You put it on things like

eggs and meat,

things like that.

Like ketchup?

'Well, sort of, except it's a'

'it's just a little

classier, that's all.'

I'm making Eggs Benedict

for your father

on his birthday

this Sunday.

Who's Benedict?

Well, Nicholas, it's,

it's-it's like this

see, there was a certain

Commodore Benedict

who, uh, used to, uh,

drink a little too much.

So, the chef at the Old Waldorf

Hotel in New York devised

this, uh, sort of

special breakfast for him

that would make him just, uh,

feel a little merry

you know,

the morning after.

Oh. Is dad gonna drink

too much Saturday night?

No. No, of course not.

[chuckling]

Well, then why are you

making it for him?

Well, because he happens

to like them.

Oh, well, on my birthday,

I want Eggs Nicholas.

Eggs Nicholas?

Now, what's that?

Scrambled eggs with lots

of peanut butter

and lots of ketchup on it.

[theme music]

[music continues]

Ready?

(Susan)

'Come on.'

Bradford leaps and pitches..

[indistinct]

[indistinct yelling]

- Aah!

- Woah.

[grunting]

[laughing]

Piling on yards.

Face it, Bradford,

you've gotten drained.

I guess, I'm slowing down

in my old age.

Hey, is the old man home yet?

Oh, he'll be a little late,

what's up?

Well, I wanted to give him

his birthday present.

What for? His birthday

is not until Sunday?

I know, Nicholas, but I'm going

away this weekend.

- Oh, where you going?

- Away.

- Away where?

- Away away.

Oh, oh, away away.

Um, you staying for dinner?

Oh, I suppose

I could be talked into it.

Nay, hay, hay.

- David?

- What?

- Can I ask you a question?

- sh**t.

Did you ever hear of this guy

named Benedict, who liked eggs?

And when he drank too much

they put this stuff on it

to make him feel better?

You feeling alright?

[laughing]

He is?

- Where is he goin'?

- He wouldn't say.

I mean, not even a hint?

Undoubtedly a lost weekend

with a girl.

Yep, undoubtedly.

Undoubtedly.

And he's not

talkin' either.

I know. He's so discreet,

it's disgusting.

Well, if you were the girl

wouldn't you prefer him

to be discreet?

Yeah, I suppose so,

but he's our brother.

And he's goin'

on this romantic weekend.

- And where's he going?

- None of your business.

Hey, David, you

really packed it away.

I suppose, you're not

plannin' on eating

very much this weekend?

Whatever gave you that idea?

Uh, pass the sugar, please.

You, uh, taking the van?

Of course, why?

But it's got lots of room

and you can fit

lots of people in it,

or only one person.

Correct.

Are you packing

warm clothes, David?

Alright. Yes, I am going

away this weekend.

And I'm taking the van.

And I do plan to eat.

And I plan to take

warm clothes with me.

Any more questions?

Girls, go easy on David.

He's years old

he doesn't have

to account to you.

I sure wish

I was a big guy.

Big guys don't

have to talk.

My apartment?

Yeah, I mean,

we'll take good care of it.

Oh, definitely, and as a token

of our appreciation

we'll even clean it up

for you.

Yeah, top to bottom.

Yeah, and we'll even vacuum

under the rug.

I appreciate the offer, but, uh

I like my apartment messy.

That way I can

find everything.

I was plannin' on havin'

this pajama party, see

and I figured it'd be real nice

not to bug dad napping.

Oh-ho, yeah.

I just don't think it would

be a good idea, Elizabeth.

Why not?

What would

my neighbors think?

Your neighbors?

Now, listen, I don't know

if you're aware of this

but will get you

in this state.

Okay, David,

I'll get right to the point

a date with any girl in

the freshman class at college.

That's very nice of you, Nancy,

but I don't think so.

Oh, David,

how about Foxy Malone?

Cute little redhead,

about '"

hundred and fifteen pounds,

very nicely proportioned

if you know what I mean.

- Nancy.

- Oh, David.

Well, how about

good personality, intellectual

kinda boring, but, you know,

I'll see what I can do, huh?

No, that's very nice of you,

uh, some other time

I have to talk to dad.

'Oh, dear.'

Come in.

Hi.

Oh, hi, David.

Just tryin' to balance

my checkbook.

Uh, that sounds like fun.

'Yeah.'

Dad, happy birthday.

Oh, thank you very much.

It's not until

Sunday though.

Oh, I know,

that's why I came over tonight.

I have a birthday present

for you.

It's in the trunk of your car.

Oh, what's it doing

out there?

Well, it didn't really

pay to bring it in.

It's kinda hard to wrap.

Well, remember the jack

you lent me at Christmas?

'I finally got myself a new one

and I'm returning yours.'

That's your

birthday present, dad.

Oh, thank you,

that was very thoughtful.

Well, it's the thought

that accounts.

Listen, lemme ask you something.

What are you really

doing this weekend?

You really wanna know?

Sure.

[dramatic music]

You promise

you won't tell anyone?

Scout's honor.

To road test my new jack.

[laughing]

Oh, you little rascal.

[instrumental music]

Well, if only

I had some wheels.

You got wheels, two of 'em.

Oh, check out

that action.

[tires screeching]

Yeah, look at that,

four on the floor, mag wheels

eight-track stereo.

You know, there's not a lot

you can do on a ten-speed.

Yeah, you can do zilch

on ten-speed.

Man, if we had us some wheels,

we can bum a couple of six packs

and really have a party.

Oh, Yes. Hey, Bradford,

you ever get ripped?

Yeah, sure,

lots of times.

(male #)

'Yeah, how much

can you hold?'

Oh, I can hold my own.

Hey, we're not talking

about milk, Tommy.

That's right.

Somehow a good guy like you

doesn't press me as much

of a drinking man.

Oh, here, I can keep up

with you any day of the week.

That so?

Well, why don't we have

ourselves a little party?

'Find out.'

Sure, it's fine with me.

You got a big brother

with a place, don't you?

- Well, he's--

- Hey, that's right.

He'd lay his pad on you

for the night.

I mean,

what are big brothers for?

You think you can come through

for us Saturday night?

Yeah, sure,

why not?

Dynamite! You take

care of the place.

I'll take care

of the beer.

And we'll find out just

who can and how much?

Right, Tommy boy?

[instrumental music]

Don't worry.

I'll tell him, yeah.

Okay, bye-bye.

[whispering]

Bye-bye.

Mr. Bradford..

...have I ever told you

what I like least about my job?

No. But I have a feeling

that you're about to.

Yeah, you see, I-I don't mind

running to the bank for you

an-and I don't mind confirming

your dentist's appointments

and I don't even mind

going to court for you

to pay your

parking tickets

but why is it that

every other Thursday

I spend half the day

arranging your poker game.

Oh, that's because

you like me.

Oh-ho, right, yeah.

(Tom)

'Is the game all set

for tomorrow night?'

Uh, no, it's been

switched to Saturday night.

'Uh, Jim Miller, Phil Hogan

and Dr. Maxwell'

'can't make it Friday night.'

Saturday night I'm supposed

to take Abby

to a movie and dinner.

Well, you-you're not gonna let

a little thing like

an evening with your wife

get in the way

of your bi-monthly poker game,

are you?

No, no, she'll understand.

'Of course,

she'll understand.'

Why wouldn't

she understand?

Will you promise me one thing?

If I ever get arrested

for running a bookie service

out of this office

you'll bail me

out of jail.

Anytime, day or night.

- Uh-huh, you're peach!

- Mm-hm.

'Oh, and listen, do you know'

'what else I'm going to do?'

What's that?

Saturday night at least once

I'm going to pull

to an inside straight

just for you.

Oh.

You're a peach melba.

Hey, how about we don't ask

for our allowances this week?

You know, it's a one-shot deal.

Eh, that's so materialistic.

Well, he need some clothes.

- Yeah.

- He certainly does.

Oh, come on,

he's got a closet full

of birthday presents

he never wears.

Abby, the problem is,

is that we've never quiet been

able to match his taste

in wearing apparel.

Uh, he sort of goes for that

early Eisenhower look.

(female #)

'It's really impossible.'

Wait a second. Wait a second!

Where does it say

in the books that

that we have to

buy him something?

It's his birthday.

I know it's his birthday

but, but why can't we

give him something?

- Like a day.

- Father's day is in June.

(Mary)

'Abby, I know that,

but why wait.'

'I mean, I bet dad

would love a day.'

I mean,

one whole day, when..

...when nobody,

nobody bothered him

nobody badgered him,

nobody made noise.

What are you suggesting?

I'm suggesting that,

that on Sunday we give him

a present of a, of a whole day

where he can forget that he..

...he's got a wife,

and, and eight kids.

I mean, we all know that,

that dad loves us, right?

'But, uh, we also know we're

little hard to take sometimes.'

All the time.

So, uh, we should all

split for a day.

No, Elizabeth,

we shouldn't split.

We should just,

be seen and not heard, you know.

'Uh, wait on him

hand and foot'

'treat him like a king

in his castle.'

That's not a bad idea, you know.

One perfect day

of self-indulgent bliss.

We can start

with breakfast in bed.

Yeah, and we won't

mess up his Sunday paper, huh?

And we'll let him watch

the football game in peace.

And we can wash his car for him.

Right. I mean, it's nirvana.

What more could a man ask for?

Listen, I wouldn't even ask

if it wasn't important.

But I'm not

the only one involved.

I mean, if it was only me,

I'd say, forget it.

But I can't be selfish.

I mean, I go back a long way

with these people.

This, this game started

at Hank Fontaneau's apartment

ten years ago.

'We've been playing

every other Friday'

'since then,

come rain or come shine.'

It's fine with me, Tom.

Here's what I thought

we could do.

Now, listen to me closely,

I'll tell you, okay.

Instead of having dinner

and then going to the movies

on a Saturday night,

we could do it on Friday night

'when there's no line in front

of the movie and all that.'

Sure.

Then we can come out

of the movie

we haven't waited on a line..

What?

It's okay with me, Tom.

We can go to the movie

Friday night

instead of Saturday night.

[chuckling]

There's no problem.

There's no problem.

Oh! That's great!

I knew that you

would understand.

Thanks, Abby,

I appreciate it very much.

'That's terrific!'

Oh, listen, guess what

I'm gonna do for you

at least once during

the night I'm gonna pull

to an inside straight,

just for you.

- 'You know why?'

- Why?

Because...you are a peach melba.

Shut up.

[dramatic music]

[no audio]

(Tommy)

'David, I tell you

he's always under foot.'

'I can't get any

privacy anymore at all.'

The way I see it,

you got a simple choice.

Tough it out

for five or six years

or move into the garage.

Oh, no, David, I'm serious.

Look, can't you remember what

a brat I was at Nicholas' age?

Um, hey look, I've already

had several offers

for this apartment which have

been very difficult to refuse.

Including Foxy Malone,

'", redhead.

David, I'm your brother.

Well, Foxy was offered

by one of my sisters.

Uh, look, David,

brothers are different.

[sighing]

Alright, look..

...I'm gonna level with you.

It's..

...geometry.

Geometry?

Yeah, uh-uh,

I'm, I'm in trouble, David.

I mean, really big trouble.

'If I don't pass

that mid-term next week'

'I'm heading for

that big F in the sky.'

Look, I've already

turned down, Joannie and Susan

and Nancy and Elizabeth

and would I tell them?

Oh, they don't have to know.

I won't say a word.

And I promise to use the place

only during the day time.

I don't know.

Lending out my apartment, it is

a pretty bad precedent to set.

Oh, come on, David,

just this once.

I'm really in a jam.

Think you'll have time

for a load of laundry?

Sure!

Alright, there's two weeks

accumulation at the bottom

of the closet and the key

is under the mat in the front.

Oh, oh, David,

I really appreciate this.

David, boy,

I really appreciate this.

You know, I'll never

forget this, I, I really..

Just don't eat me

out of house and home.

Oh, I won't touch a thing.

Ah, David, thank..

Oh man, you're great.

- Alright.

- Anytime you need something.

David, just, just let me know,

if you need anything

your van washed,

your shoe shined, anything.

'Clean up your apartment,

just let me know and I'll'

'I'll never forget this, okay?'

Okay, okay.

Alright. Oh, Dave, thanks!

See you later.

I won't forget this.

[instrumental music]

Anyway, Nicholas, we thought

we'll give him a day quiet.

Huh?

Come on, Nicholas,

your father will love it.

What kind of present

is a day of quiet?

It's a very nice present.

Look at it this way, Nicholas.

You won't have to

raid your piggy bank.

It won't set you back a penny.

So, Tommy, what do you think?

What?

About your father's birthday

present, what do you think?

Yeah, fine.

Okay, then,

what we're gonna do is..

[clears throat]

Abby, do you know

where my poker shirt is?

I didn't know

about the poker shirt

I knew about the famous

duck hunting shirt

but I didn't know there

was a famous poker shirt too.

Well, there is one, I only

use it when I'm in a bad streak

I'm in a real

bad one, right now.

'If I don't take it

to the poker game tonight'

'I'm gonna wind up

going to the cleaners.'

Yeah, you know, that's not

such a bad idea, dad.

Um, that shirt oughta

be cleaned and burned.

Uh, ca..

Could you describe it?

- Yes, it's blue and yellow--

- With upside down palm tr--

That's it!

Oh-ho, it's, um,

it's in the wash.

Thank goodness!

What time does

the Brothers of Hope

thrift shop open?

About :.

It's after, come on.

- 'Abby, you didn't.'

- I did.

[instrumental music]

(Tommy)

'Okay, it's cool, Jimbo.'

'I got my brother's

place for tonight.'

'Yeah, it, wa..

How are we gonna bum the beer?'

'Are you sure?'

'Okay, I'll see you

at : then.'

'Alright. So long, bye.'

[instrumental music]

[chuckling]

Elizabeth, look at this.

Ew! This is nice. I think--

Oh, I have to have

a hat to go with it.

Oh, of course.

Oh, uh, excuse me.

I'll be right with you

as soon as I finish with her.

I'm really sorry

but it's urgent.

Take a number.

Ma'am, can I talk to you

about this blue shirt.

This Hawaiian print,

isn't it smart?

And only a dollar and a half,

such a bargain.

I'll give you ..

Lady, you're interfering

with a sale.

Oh, I'm really sorry, but,

see this, this is my husband's

favorite po, uh, uh, golf shirt.

And he can't sink a putt

without it.

Well, I, it's so snazzy

I know Walter is just

going to adore it.

Yes, ma'am, I'll give you

three dollars for it.

- She has to buy it first.

- 'Uh!'

(female #)

'Then you can buy it

from her outside the store.'

Well, I'll give you a $..

- .?

- Okay, ..

Two fifty, and you

three dollars?

Well, it will go so beautifully

with Walter's striped trousers.

Four dollars.

Well, I don't know.

Five dollars. And that's

my final offer, okay?

'Going once, going twice,

sold to the lady'

in purple for seven dollars

and fifty cents.

Five dollars and sixty cents,

Tom, that's terrible.

I know, I know.

$. two weeks ago

. last month,

I'm taking a real bath.

Well, with your

lucky poker shirt

the tide is bound to turn.

Yeah, well,

I can't lose tonight.

Don't wait up for me,

the big winners

have to stay

till the very end.

Listen, uh,

don't keep any kickers

and don't pull

too many inside straights.

Only once, my dear, only once.

[chuckling]

[toy car whirring]

[imitates engine whirring]

What do you mean rehearse?

Look, you can practice

being quiet for tomorrow

by starting tonight.

Boy, that's real dumb.

Who needs to practice

being quiet?

You do!

Oh, look,

"Casablanca" is on tonight.

Oh, terrific, Joannie!

You've only seen it times.

Oh, I know, but it's so great.

I mean that ending is so

beautiful, don't you think?

I mean, you never really know

who she loves best.

I mean, there they are

at the airport

'and Ingrid Bergman's

looking from one'

'to the other.'

And then the fog's rolling in

and the music swelling up.

And the plane engines

are going, you know?

Ta-da!

Who am I?

May West.

Mary Poppins.

(Abby)

'Wait a second, wait a second,

I know who you are'

you're, uh, Nancy Bradford.

Cute! I'll give you

a hint, you guys.

♪ Taran tan tan tan ♪

♪ Taran tan tan tan ♪

♪ Taran tan tan tan tan tan ♪

Ole!

Ooh!

I'm Carmen the gypsy,

that's who.

Oh, that's right,

that's right, the..

[humming]

(Abby)

'So obvious you're

Carmen, alright.'

Uh, but, but where did

you get that costume?

I got it at the thrift store.

Isn't it cute?

Yeah.

I'm going to

a costume party tonight.

Don't pick-up any Spanish

bullfighters, Carmen.

Oh, Mary.

Adios!

- Adios!

- Adios!

[all laughing]

Honey, you goin' to a party?

Uh, what?

Uh, you just seem

to be in a terrible hurry.

Oh, yeah, I'm just

going over to Kenny's

to watch basketball game.

Oh, what time

you'll be home?

Uh, :.

Bye.

- 'Um, Tom, Tom.'

- What?

Um, yeah,

I just wanna remind you

that tomorrow

is dad's birthday.

Oh, yeah, so?

Ju-so, yeah.

- Alright.

- Okay.

[sighing]

Alright, men, get ready

because tonight

I'm red hot and raring to go.

[chuckles]

Every once in a while

everyone gets hot, Tom,

even you.

Yeah, sure, but tonight

is different because tonight

I have my lucky

poker shirt on.

Is that what that is?

Uh, do you have

a license to wear that?

[chuckling]

Hey, anybody bring

a pair of sunglasses.

I gotta look at that rag

all night long.

Very funny, we'll see

who's laughing

at the end of the night,

because tonight, not only

do I have on my lucky

poker shirt

but tomorrow is my birthday.

Between this shirt

and my birthday

you guys don't have a chance.

- Tom. Tom.

- What?

Shut up and deal.

Oh! Alright!

Okay, men, everybody,

ante a dime.

This is gonna be seven cards

stud high-low.

Straights and flushes

go both ways.

Two birds at the end

for a dime a piece.

And a quarter

for a window.

- 'Hm.'

- Are you excited?

- 'Oh, yeah.'

- You have no chance.

Hey, you guys.

Okay, here he is.

You guys split.

Are you sure

this thing's gonna work?

Never fails!

Just be sure to run

that shower real loud.

Go!

[instrumental music]

'Now!'

[music continues]

[knock on door]

Hi, come on in.

Delivery for David Bradford.

Oh, yeah, right.

I got a couple of six packs

of beer here

and some cigars

for your father.

Yeah, well,

he's in the shower.

He asked me to pay you.

You know, I'm not supposed

to sell beer to anyone under .

Oh, well,

that's okay with me.

Oh, but he does take

pretty long showers.

Well, I guess,

it's alright.

Great!

'There you go

and keep the change.'

- Oh, thank you.

- Sure.

- Goodnight.

- 'Night.

Alright, you turkeys,

get out of the shower

'and get your tails in here.'

'Let's go!'

Let's go!

Let's get down

to some serious drinking.

Oh!

[piano music on TV]

I better get him to bed, he kind

of died after the first kiss.

[chuckling]

[laughing]

Hey, hey,

who is this?

I would like to say..

...a word about decorum.

Dracula.

- Dracula.

- Oh, man..

Hey, we've got a,

our beloved..

[indistinct chatter]

[laughing]

[indistinct chatter]

This is the way

it's gonna be.

[laughing]

...I have some words to share

about decorum.

♪ De-corum ♪

♪ De-corum ♪

♪ Decorum ♪

♪ Decorum ♪

♪ Decorum ♪

♪ Decorum ♪

♪ Decorum ♪♪

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

I'll take one.

Top.

(Tom)

'Your bet.'

'Your bet.'

(male #)

'Rummy.'

Your dime.

And I raise you,

a quarter.

I hate to do this to you

on your birthday, Tom, but..

...I just see your quarter

and bump you a quarter.

Too rich for me.

[clears throat]

Max, you better up

your malpractice insurance

because not only do I see

your quarter..

...but I raise you

another quarter.

I think maybe I just

better see what you got.

Call!

Um, read 'em and weep.

'I have a straight

to the ace, I'm sorry.'

Ah-ah-ah! All blue.

'Five diamonds,

you see at this table'

flush beats the straight.'

It's a nice shirt

you got there.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

'I'm dancing with you!'

[indistinct chattering]

Are you sure you heard

him right on the phone?

Yes, I'm sure I heard him

right on the phone.

He was definitely

talking about beer.

Susan, maybe he'll only have one

or two. He'll be okay.

Oh, then why isn't

he home yet, Joannie.

I mean, any minute now,

Abby's gonna check his room

find he's not there and he

broke curfew and then what?

You wanna tell her?

No, I do not

want to tell her.

You know we don't squeal

on each other.

I know.

So?

Wait. They could

have a car.

Oh, a car, great.

Okay, listen, listen we'll go

downstairs and we'll call

David's apartment and just tell

him to come home right away.

'Alright?'

I mean, who knows,

maybe Abby is asleep

and, and, well it's worth

a try, come on.

[door closing]

Shh!

[telephone ringing]

Uh! Uh!

[laughing]

Wait a minute.

- Oh! Oh!

- Ha-ha-ha!

Hi, David Bradford here

and I'm available.

- 'Uh, Tommy?'

- Who is this?

Hey, sweetheart, what do you say

we fall for a little decorum.

He's drunk.

Um, Tommy, listen,

this is Susan.

Susie? Susie Kookums.

Hey, guys, this is Susie Q.

What do you say?

Hey, ask her if she wants

to drop by for a party?

Big, big party.

Tommy, this is your sister,

Susan Kookums, baby.

Hey, hey, uh, listen, sweetie.

Uh, we're havin' a party,

what do you say?

- Uh, Tommy--

- Tommy, this is Joannie.

Now, you get home

right now or you're--

Joey Annie! Joey Annie!

Hey, what do you say?

'Hey, hey, uh,

listen, sweetie'

'uh, we're havin' a party,

what do you say?'

Oh, boy!

Drunk, drunk, drunk!

Boy, he is really bad off.

- I'm worried.

- Me too.

Abby?

Sure you don't want us

to go with you?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Well, what about

calling dad?

Oh, come on, it's his birthday

and he's havin' a good time.

Let's just let him have

a little peace for a change.

Uh, Abby.

'Do you think

you can handle it?'

Why not?

Well, uh, I mean,

I just meant that you are new

at this, that's all.

Yeah, I'm new at this.

But, you know,

I'm getting a little tired

of being new at this.

There is more

to being a parent

than, than making peanut butter

sandwiches all the time.

Oh, Abby, I'm sorry,

I didn't mean to criticize you.

Yes, you did.

But look,

I understand this is important

and, um, you're not sure

that I'm ready to handle this.

'And, uh..'

'Well, I'll let you in

on a little secret.'

I'm not sure I am either.

But it's about time

we all found out, right?

Good luck.

[doorbell ringing]

[instrumental music]

[door closes]

- Um, hello.

- Hello, Mrs., uh..

[coughing]

- Brad-Bradford.

- Bradford! Right, right.

Well, I appreciate

you givin' me a call.

Looks like the boys

got a little outta hand here.

Oh, yes, I-I would say

just a little, yeah.

Well, boys will be boys.

Oh, is that what it is?

D-do you think

that boys could be boys

without getting drunk?

Ah! They'll sleep it off.

- Oh.

- Won't k*ll 'em.

Matter of fact,

it might pull

a little hair

on their chest, huh?

[laughs]

Hey, listen,

if there's any damage here

to your apartment,

I'll be glad--

Oh, no, no, that won't

be necessary, Mr..

- O'Hara. Jack O'Hara.

- Jack O'Hara.

Well, I'll get 'em up.

Hey, come on.

Hey, Jimbo. Red.

Come on, carrot top.

Get up! Come on!

Wake up. Come on!

On you. Come on.

- Get on your feet. Jenny?

- I'm up!

(Jack)

'Come up, boy.'

'Come on, Jenny,

up and at 'em. Party's over.'

'Come on, party's over.

Let's go.'

How many did you have?

Thanks a lot, Mrs. uh..

- Bradford.

- ...Bradford, right.

Could you open the door--

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Thanks a lot.

Come on, Jimbo, you'll feel

better in the morning.

- Goodnight, Mrs..

- Bye. Bye, Mr. O'Hara.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

- Night!

- Uh, Ab-by.

Yeah?

Um, you're, you're not gonna

tell dad, are you?

Why don't, um,

why don't you let me

make that decision, okay?

Oh, sure, Abby.

It-it's just that..

Well, you know, we all kind

of stick together.

Yeah, I, I know.

I'm tired.

Let's go to bed.

Your dad will be home soon.

- 'Night.

- 'Night.

Goodnight.

[door opens]

(Nicholas)

'Abby!'

Nicholas, look what you

made me do!

- I'm sorry.

- Oh!

Ugh! What a mess!

That sure is right.

You never saw me

do this, right?

Are those the Benedicts?

Uh, in a manner

of speaking, yes.

Abby, Tommy won't get up.

Oh, Nicholas.

I want you

to do me a favor, okay?

I want you to, to be real real

quiet around Tommy today

and, uh, stay out of the room

as much as possible, alright?

But it's not

his birthday.

Yeah, but he has to, um,

he has to study all day today.

On Saturday?

Yeah. He's got a big,

big test tomorrow.

Now, why don't you run out

and get the paper

and, uh,

don't mess it up.

Boy, what a crazy Saturday.

[instrumental music]

Unh!

[humming "Happy Birthday"]

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday dear Thomas ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪

Oh, thank you,

what is this?

This is room service.

Breakfast in bed

for the birthday boy.

Hey, what do you know?

Boy, oh, boy!

That's a wonderful thing.

Yeah, well,

let's hope you still think so

after you've, uh, tried it.

He He.

- Eggs Benedict?

- Yeah!

That is wonderful.

And this is freshly squeezed.

Hmm.

- So it is.

- Yeah, I'm learnin', huh?

So, you ready

for your birthday present?

- Sure.

- Ahem.

[sighs]

Mr. Thomas Bradford

you are king for a day.

Huh?

'During your -hour reign'

'you will have absolute

peace and tranquility.'

You'll be waited

on hand and foot

by eight little elves

and the newspaper

and the television set

will be yours

and all yours

and there will be

no shouting or arguing

or badgering

or Bradfording of any kind.

Well, what do you think?

Oh, boy! That's an original

birthday present.

'Yeah, yeah.

The kids thought it up.'

Huh.

Well, if there's

anything you want..

...just ring.

Would you like

this washed, sir?

Uh, no.

Wo-would you do me favor?

Sure.

Give that to the Goodwill.

[laughs]

[door closes]

- Ready yet?

- Just about.

- 'Okay, I'm ready.'

- Alright.

- Happy birthday, dad!

- Hey, happy birthday, dad!

Oh, thank you!

Hey, what's the coffee

and ice pack for?

I-ice pack?

Um..

It's a-a science

experiment, dad

for Tommy, for school.

'See, we're helping him, uh..'

Um, real interesting, dad!

We're helping Tommy to find

the freezing point of, um..

- Coffee?

- Yeah. Yeah.

And we got to run because

otherwise the coffee will..

I mean, uh,

the ice will melt.

I don't know what the heck

they're talking about.

They're driving me crazy.

Tommy?

Tommy?

'Hi.'

[grunts]

He he.

Come on, Tommy.

You gotta wake up sometime.

Yeah. Tommy?

'Yoo-hoo?'

[grunts]

(Susan)

'We brought the first aid.'

Rise and shine, k*ller.

You had quite a night.

- Oh, pff!

- Come on. It's okay, it's okay.

Oh, my gosh.

[chuckles]

Well, come on, cheer up.

Here you go.

It's gonna get worse

before it gets better.

- Aah!

- Oh.

Aah!

I'm sorry.

[groans]

[laughs]

(man on TV)

'And McCloskey brings them up'

'for a third and long from

the cover zone -yard line.'

'Critical third down play

here for the Cougars.'

'The backs' a split.'

'Williams slagged out

to the weak side.'

'They snap!'

'McCloskey staying back

into the pocket.'

'Looking for a receiver.'

'He's throwing long,

and it's complete!'

[audience cheering]

'Wait a second,

it's , it's '

'it's !'

Go! Go! Go!

(man on TV)

'Touchdown! Cougars!'

Did you see that?

He struck the zone..

- I'm-I'm in major..

- 'The crowd is going wild.'

'Cougars are mobbing Lee

into the end zone.'

'They're climbing all over.'

'That brings the Cougars

right back into this ball game.'

Hiya, champ!

Hi, dad.

Why are you whispering?

Because I'm not

allowed to talk.

- It's your birthday.

- Oh!

Oh, yeah,

well, I appreciate the thought

but I mean,

you don't have to whisper.

Alright.

Oh, I don't?

Thanks, dad.

Listen,

where is Tommy?

He's studying.

Oh, I mean,

he's studying.

- On a Sunday?

- Yeah.

Did you notice

if he looked

kind of grumpy

and not so hot this morning?

Boy, did he ever.

He looked like

he can use some Benedicts.

Benedicts?

Yeah, you know Benedicts?

About that guy

when he drank too much

they gave him

some kinda eggs that he liked

you know, with all this

kind of stuff on it?

Oh, of course,

Benedicts, yeah.

Nicholas..

...maybe you better whisper.

Abby, how many candles

should I put on this?

As few as possible.

Twenty-one, maybe?

Uh, no.

At least .

We don't want

to embarrass David.

[mumbling]

(Mary)

'Uh, hi, dad.'

'Hmm?'

Did you see that?

I mean, two glasses

and two beers.

Well, it is his birthday.

Abby, you didn't tell him,

did you?

- No.

- Hmm.

[knocking]

Who is it?

(Tom)

'It's me. Dad.'

Uh, just a minute.

Come in.

Well.

How's the studying going?

Oh...fine.

Boy, it's kind of dark

in here, isn't it?

'Ah!'

That's better.

Oh, boy.

Lovely day out.

What's that for?

Oh, I thought

that you and I

would have a little

drink together

you know, kind of,

man to man.

Oh, no thanks, dad.

(Tom)

'Well, why not?

It's alright.'

You're a man now.

You're almost , right?

I can't.

Oh, come on.

Why not?

Is there anything wrong?

Look, how about

a quickie?

You know,

a hair of the dog that bit you.

Dad, please.

It's not very funny, huh?

Beer?

Couple other guys

and I got together..

And now you feel

like a man?

I feel awful.

You know..

...half of me wants

to take you

and knock some sense

into you.

'But the other half

is sharing that headache.'

Tommy..

...being a man

doesn't mean

seeing if you can drink

more than your friends

or drive faster..

...or win at poker.

Or any of those things that we

think it means when we're young.

What it means is..

Oh, shucks,

I don't know what it..

...really does mean exactly.

I'll tell you one thing.

It has nothing

to do with being able

to hold more beer

than your friends.

Oh, I know that.

No you don't. Not yet.

But you will.

'You're just beginning

to try to make sense'

'out of all the confusion.'

'But you will.

Slowly, gradually.'

And one day you're gonna go

into your son's room

when he gets drunk

for the first time.

'And you're gonna

try to tell him'

'what I'm trying

to tell you.'

But, the words won't come out.

Only the feeling.

'It's not easy

being a man, Tommy.'

Hang in there.

Oh, hey, dad?

Happy birthday.

Oh, thanks a lot.

Oh, and listen, Tommy.

Keep the ice pad

right above the eyes.

'Make 'em feel a lot better.'

[sighs]

- How long has he been up there?

- A long time.

And he took

two beers with him?

And two glasses.

Girls.

- I want noise.

- Huh?

I want noise.

I wanna be bothered.

Aggravated, irritated

and badgered,

do you understand?

Uh...sure, dad.

Very good.

- What?

- Huh?

Nicholas.

Make noise.

- Huh?

- Yell for Elizabeth.

Elizabeth.

Oh, no, no.

That won't do. Louder.

- Elizabeth!

- That's better.

Now run and tell Elizabeth

and tell your sister Nancy

to start making noise

immediately.

No, no, no, run!

Don't walk!

Ah, boy, oh boy.

My son has a hangover

and nobody tells me about it?

Oh, well, Tom,

we just didn't wanna

bother you, that's all.

Bother me?

Well, what's gotten

into you, huh?

Quiet!

This house is driving me crazy.

All day long, I feel like

a stranger around here.

Everybody's tip-toeing around

acting like a nice,

quiet little family.

But we thought

that's what you wanted.

No, we're not a nice,

quiet little family.

We are a big, large,

loud, noisy family.

But we thought

that one day a year

you wouldn't mind

a little quiet.

It's a nice thought.

It's a wonderful thought.

But it's not us.

(Nicholas)

'Elizabeth!'

[banging on the door]

- That's us.

- 'Elizabeth!'

Isn't it beautiful?

- 'Elizabeth!'

- It is.

[indistinct chatter]

(Mary)

'Can somebody turn

that damn radio--'

Music to my ears.

- 'Puff up, daddy!'

- 'Come on!'

- 'This is it!'

- 'In one dash!'

- 'Come on, dad!'

- 'Come on!'

[all cheering]

Thank you.

Thank you one and all.

Thank you

for the birthday present.

Even though I had a hard time

enjoying it.

[laughing]

Hey, I think I'm gonna

take a piece up to Tommy.

Oh, that's a good idea.

There you go.

When is Tommy

gonna be done studying?

Soon, Nicholas, soon.

Boy, he ought to get

percent on that exam.

Nicholas,

eat your cake.

Noisily.

- Hi.

- 'Oh, hi.'

Thought you might want a piece

of dad's birthday cake.

No, thanks.

- David, I'm sorry.

- Oh, it's cool.

Joannie and Susan

straightened the place up.

Yeah, but I lied to you.

Tell you the truth,

I never bought the story

'about the geometry exam.'

Oh, then why did you

let me have the apartment?

Well, that's what

big brothers are for.

Keep you off the streets.

Anyway, it looks

like you paid the price.

- Pretty bad head?

- Uff.

A bit.

[David chuckles]

Hey, listen,

how am I gonna

explain this to Nicholas?

Well, the same way

I explained it to you

five or six years ago.

You ran

into a revolving door.

Oh, come on,

I never bought that.

Are you kidding?

First thing

you wanted to know

is whether I was going in

or going out at that time.

[laughing]

Oh! Oh!

[theme music]

[music continues]