02x20 - Seven Days in February

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music]

- Hi, dad.

- Hi, Nicholas.

Dad, can I have a dog like

my friend Kenny P. Landers?

I'm afraid not.

Well, you don't have

to tell me now, you know.

Why don't you think it over?

Okay.

Sorry, I just thought it over

the answer is still no,

you can't have a dog.

There's enough mouths

to feed as is.

Yeah, but I can feed him,

you know

and I'll always have someone

to talk to and play with.

Well, what's the matter

with your brothers and sisters?

They're always too busy.

Oh.

I know what we could get you

for a pet, a plant.

A what?

A plant!

You would be responsible

for the growth

of a living thing.

You would have to give it

plenty of food and water

see to it that it gets

plenty of sunshine.

Okay, dad.

Doesn't seem

very exciting, though.

Oh, it is,

it's very exciting.

That settles it,

a plant for Nicholas.

'No more talk

about the dog.'

Dad, can I give my plant a name?

Absolutely.

What name did you

have in mind?

Rover.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Oh, boy, are you as tired

as you look?

Yes, I am.

Why is it the day before

vacation always have

to be so hectic?

Oh, anything I can do?

Yes, you could point me towards

the bedroom and push.

All I want is this nice,

quiet little bed

and I'm just gonna sleep

until next Friday.

Seven days of peace

and tranquility.

Why are you shaking your head?

[chuckling]

- My dear wife.

- What?

Your innocence

is really refreshing.

Yeah?

You correlate vacation

with relaxation.

- This is not true?

- Not true.

I mean, the winter vacation

a la Bradford

also known as

seven days in February

is a free for all of frenzy,

it's a madhouse of mayhem

mirth and merriment.

It's a week

not easily forgotten.

But do not worry, dear wife,

because it only lasts till

seven days, and then you can

go back to work and relax again.

No, but the house

sounds quiet now.

Oh, merely a ploy.

The calm before the storm.

Well, thanks for

the storm warning.

My pleasure.

Anything else

I can do for you?

Mm-hmm.

You could stop being

so cheerful.

Alright.

[chuckles]

I don't like blind dates.

Don't think of her

as a blind date.

I mean, think of her as a date

you haven't seen yet.

I don't see the difference.

The difference is

that this gorgeous girl

will not go out with me unless

I find a date for her friend.

Hey, Fred..

And we haven't been

friends too long

so I wanna tell you

a little story.

No, I don't wanna hear

any stories.

All I wanna hear

is you saying

"Yes, buddy, I'll do it."

As I was saying,

I'd like to tell you

a little story about

my last blind date.

I don't remember her name

but, uh, for the purposes

of the story

let's call her Moose.

Nice.

Moose was a lot taller

than I was.

Moose was probably

a lot stronger than I was

and Moose was certainly

a lot uglier than I was.

Yes, but what about

her personality, hmm?

As refined as a cabbage.

Look, we'll go to a nice,

out of the way quiet place.

You won't have

to look at her.

You won't have

to talk to her.

Just show up.

Please.

Oh, I hate to see

a grown man beg.

Then you'll do it?

No, I just hate to see

a grown man beg.

[laughing]

♪ Da da da-da ♪♪

Hey, what's going on?

Stag night, can't you tell?

Yeah, there's a new disco

in old town, dad

and we got the boogie fever.

- 'That's right.'

- What does that mean?

I have no idea, Nicholas.

Listen, girls,

do me a favor, will you?

'Don't break your curfew,

I'd hate to ground you'

'on the first night

of your vacation.'

Glad you brought that up, dad.

Oh, did I bring something up?

Mm, yeah, three different

curfews make goin' out

together very difficult.

Yeah.

Especially since mine

is the earliest.

- Oh, what did you have in mind?

- 'A new curfew.'

How about a sensible hour?

Just for tonight.

You know, you expect me

to give you carte blanche

to come home

whenever you want?

'I mean, if you would've

said to me'

'"Dad, could you extend

the curfew for one hour?"'

- She'll take it.

- I'll take it.

Thanks, dad.

See, I told you

I could talk him into it.

- 'Woogie.'

- 'Whoo-hoo.'

[disco music]

[music continues]

Oh, my gosh, I've never

seen such collection

of losers in my life.

I think it's time

for old Joannie

to launch an offense.

[hooting]

You sound like an owl.

Over the stairs.

Oh, Joannie,

on a scale from one to ten

I think I'd give him

my scorecard.

I think he's kind

of interesting.

(both)

Interesting.

Hello?

Goodbye.

Hi.

What's your name?

Josh.

Oh, I'm Joannie,

how do you do?

Like dancin'?

Hey, hiya, hon.

What do you say

we get, uh, stoned?

You say, you get lost.

What are you doin'?

Listen, Susan, believe me

whatever you do,

you gotta push 'em away

or they'll never stop

bugging you.

Oh, picky, picky.

See anybody here you like?

Yeah.

Him.

Watch this.

Smile always works.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Hi.

Would you like to dance?

(both)

Sure.

She'd like to dance.

Of course she would.

Okay, now, where did you

get these seeds?

Kenny P. Landers

gave 'em to me.

Oh, alright,

now watch what I do.

First of all,

it's very important

that we moisten the soil.

See that? See?

Now, after we do that,

we have to give it

a little fertilizer.

What's fertilizer?

Oh, it's, it helps

make the plant grow.

Uh, where does it come from?

Uh, it, um, it-it comes

uh, it is, well, there's cows

and there's horses

and they're like people.

They eat and they..

It-it-it, it's-it's very nice.

Oh, I get it.

It's another one of those things

I have to find out for myself.

[disco music]

If you don't like discos,

how come you're here?

Why am I here?

Yeah.

I'm here because

the human condition is here.

Here is where lonely people

come to be lonely together.

Here is where people

come and act artificial

in order to forget

how miserable they really are.

Are you miserable?

Oh, sure.

And so are you.

Believe me, I can

see it in your eyes.

Oh, no,

I'm-I'm not miserable

I'm, it's, um,

smoke in here.

You see, the smoke

makes you miserable.

And what about the people

who do the smoking?

Why do you think

they do that to themselves?

Because it makes them forget

how hopeless everything is.

And that's what I hope

to bring out in my play.

I'm here doing research.

You are writing a play?

Oh.

What is it about?

Destruction and despair

amidst the atmosphere

of the singles bar.

Why'd you stop?

You know, uh

usually a guy like me comes

to a place like this, and..

...uh, I'm just glad

I met you, Susan.

[alarm ringing]

Oh. Oh, no.

I, uh, was supposed to call

a business associate earlier

and it completely

slipped my mind.

Uh, do you mind?

Uh, I mean, you don't disappear

on me now, okay?

I won't, I won't.

'I'll be right,

I'll be right back.'

Okay.

So, tell me, Howard,

how long have you been a doctor?

Uh, not long enough.

That's why I'm still an intern.

[chuckles]

Well, where did you

study medicine?

Harvard.

You know, most people I say

that to think that I'm bragging.

Why?

If that's where

you went to school

that's where you

went to school, right?

Uh, where did you attend school?

Sacramento High School

and nobody ever thinks

I'm bragging.

Hey, uh,

can I buy you a drink?

Uh, only if you allow me

to buy you one.

What are you drinking?

Ginger ale.

Well, I'm driving.

[knock on door]

Uh, come in.

- Hi.

- Hi, Tommy.

Well...I'm doomed.

Oh, as long as

there's nothing important

I'll go back to study, okay?

No, really, Mary,

this is serious.

Big mouth Bradford's

done it again.

Okay, go.

Alright, well, you remember

I told you about Linda Imes

that transfer student

from Peoria?

I've been dying to go out

with her, so I've been

holding my breath and waiting

for the right moment.

So finally

the right moment came.

So we're sitting there

talkin' at lunch

and she said that

she liked Fleetwood Mac

and that she wanted to go

to their concert next week.

So I said,

"Hey, great, no problem.

I just happen

to have two tickets."

Oh, lucky you, that concert

I heard was sold out weeks ago.

Yeah, so did I

when I got to

the box office today.

Oh, well, you just

have to tell her the truth, huh?

Mary, that's not the type

of advice I'm looking for.

Well, I'm sorry.

Look, she's bound

to understand, really..

- Wait a second.

- You got an idea?

I have an idea.

Carol J. is giving away

free tickets to the concert

uh, every few hours,

you know

the first person to call in

and identify the song

wins two free tickets.

Yeah, but Mary,

half of Sacramento's

gotta be trying to call.

Yes, Tommy, but half

of Sacramento does not

have a date with Linda Imes.

Yeah.

[upbeat music]

Nancy, I'd like you

to meet John--

Go away,

you're gonna k*ll the mood.

That's okay with me, fine.

- Oh, see you at home.

- Weird.

Uh, who was that girl?

Oh, that was my sister,

Joannie.

Tell me, Howard

what type of medicine

will you be practicing?

Oh, I won't be

practicing medicine

I hope to go into research.

As a matter of fact, I'm waiting

to hear from Stanford now.

Uh, I've applied for a grant

in genetic research.

Hi, Nance, I'd like you

to meet Michael Slade

a stockbroker.

Don't tell me.

Let me guess,

another sister.

Susan, this is Howard.

- Howard's a doctor.

- Oh, a doctor.

Hey, doc, hey, doc,

it really hurts when I do that.

Uh, your line is

"Then don't do that."

I know.

Um, I'll catch you at home.

Bye, doc.

I can't take her anywhere.

(Joannie)

'Josh has such insight.'

I mention he's a playwright?

Three times.

You sound like

you aren't interested, Susan.

I'm not, Joannie.

The only thing

I'm interested in right now

is a certain stockbroker

who's got blond hair, blue eyes

and a definite fox.

Hiya.

[clears throat]

[whistles]

Unh-unh uh!

Tsk tsk tsk.

You busted curfew

and where's your coat?

[laughing]

Well, you see, I didn't bring it

'cause I didn't wanna

cover up the dress, you know.

Oh, oh, vanity thy name

is Elizabeth.

[sneezes]

Oh, sounds like she's got

herself a cold.

Oh, not on the first day

of vacation too.

- 'Poor baby.'

- It's about time.

Okay, let's hear it,

was he nice?

Very.

Well, did you have a good time?

Terrific.

If he's so wonderful, Nancy,

why the long face?

'Cause it can never be.

She sounds just like Josh.

[instrumental music]

One night down, six to go.

You guys just don't understand.

Nancy, we can't help you unless

we know what the problem is.

Okay, you'd find out

eventually, anyway.

His name is Dr. Stein

and he's an intern

at the Star of David Hospital.

- So?

- So, what does that mean?

So he doesn't make house calls.

Howard's Jewish.

Wait a second,

I think I missed the problem.

Mary, Howard's the type of guy

I could really fall for.

I mean, really fall for.

He's sweet, he's nice-lookin'.

Oh, he cares

so much about people.

He's got the kind of future

I could really be a part of.

If only he wasn't--

If only what, Nancy?

So Howard's Jewish, would it be

any different if he wasn't?

Nancy, you're not thinking

of not seeing Howard because--

Joannie...we come

from two different worlds

they are bound to conflict

sooner or later, you know that.

(Mary)

'Nancy, that is garbage.'

'I-I mean, the only conflict

right now is the one'

'between your heart

and your head.'

Look, I, I know that, that it's

hard for you right now, but..

...but, Nancy, before you do

anything that

'that you're gonna regret,

like, like, running off'

'and joining a kibbutz,

or drinking a hemlock'

or, or changing boyfriends.

Why don't you stop

and think about it, okay?

Mary, I have.

[knocking on door]

Coming.

- Hi.

- The answer is still no.

Listen, listen,

you see this?

This is my hand

over my heart.

Now I give you my solemn word,

I'm not gonna stop

bothering you

till you give in.

And I give you my solemn word

that I won't give in.

Alright, listen.

Can you be bought?

Freddy, let me tell you

a story.

No, no, no,

I've heard all about Moose.

No, I wanna

tell you about Harpo.

Harpo?

When I first met Harpo,

I said hello

and Harpo was stuck

for an answer.

Didn't have much to say, huh?

Not as much as my next

blind date, Mindy the mouth.

Mindy was five foot two, and her

mouth was four foot eight

and she never stopped using it.

How many of these girls

have you gone out with?

About a dozen.

Alright, well then,

's gotta be right.

I mean, percentages, right?

Wrong, Fred. Bye-bye.

(Fred)

'Alright, break my heart,

see if I care.'

Bobby, I'm telling you

the truth, I really am sick.

Have I ever lied to you?

Well, besides that time.

Besides that time too.

Okay, so I've lied to you before

but this time I really mean it.

Wait a minute, listen..

[coughing]

Did you hear that?

Okay, then do people who aren't

sick do that kind of thing?

I-I need the phone,

I need the phone.

Hey, it's Bobby,

he doesn't believe I'm sick.

- You tell him.

- She's sick! She's sick!

Thanks a lot.

That was really convincing.

[instrumental music on radio]

Oh, I'm doomed.

[doorbell ringing]

[clears throat]

Oh, hi, I'm, uh, Michael Slade.

I'm here for Susan,

we have a date tonight.

Oh, yes, of course,

come right in.

- Thank you.

- Uh, Susan.

I read your column

all the time, Mr. Bradford.

Uh, I enjoy most of them.

Uh, especially the ones

about fiscal policy.

Oh, really? Thanks.

Well, what do you do?

I'm a stockbroker

for Leyton company.

- Oh, a stockbroker.

- Anytime I can be of service.

Oh, no, that's nice of you,

thank you.

It's just that, uh,

by the time I get through

'paying all the bills

around here'

'there's no money

left to invest, believe me.'

[instrumental music]

- Good evening, Michael.

- 'Good evening, Susan.'

Father.

Hello, daughter.

Michael, I do hope we're

not late for the symphony.

For the what?

Why, for the symphony, father.

You know Brahms

has always been my favorite.

Oh. That's right, I forgot.

It slipped my mind.

Nice to have met you,

Mr. Bradford.

Shall we?

[instrumental music]

Did you see that?

Who is that girl?

It's your daughter Susan.

Oh, no, no.

That's not Susan.

I know Susan.

That's an imposter.

[doorbell rings]

Joannie around?

Oh, uh, yes.

Won't you come in?

[instrumental music]

Hello.

I-I hear

that you're a playwright.

Did you ever write anything

that I may have seen?

[scoffs]

[chuckling]

Hi, Josh.

Dad..

Bye, Jove. Bye, Josh.

Great talking to you.

What, why is that?

Did you see that guy?

[instrumental music on radio]

This house is going off

the deep end!

[doorbell rings]

- There's the doorbell.

- Yes, another surprise.

Would you like me to get it?

No, no, no.

Let me get it.

- It's becoming fun.

- Okay then.

Hello, uh, I'm Dr. Stein.

Oh, oh, yes, of course.

Uh, come in.

Oh, man, it's busy again.

I'm doomed.

Uh, don't mind him.

That's my son,

he's lost his mind.

Please step in.

Uh, ahem, you are Mr. Bradford

and Mrs. Bradford?

Yes, we are.

You'll have to excuse me.

Um, everything's been crazy

around here today.

Nancy!

So you're a doctor?

Oh, you know, it-it hurts me

when I go like this.

[laughing]

We-we have this friend

Dr. Maxwell

and he always laughs

when I do that.

That's his favorite joke.

'He thinks it's so funny.'

- Hi, Howard.

- Hi, Nance.

- Have you met everyone?

- Uh, sure did.

Well, we'll be

seeing you real soon

uh, Mrs. Bradford, Mr. Bradford.

Bye.

He seemed very nice.

Yeah. Well, at least,

he could talk.

Well, Elizabeth is sick

and Mary's studying

so congratulations.

- Oh, for what?

- You've run out of daughters.

Oh, that's right.

Well, at last, we'll have

some peace and quiet.

[instrumental music on radio]

Nicholas, what do you think?

Look, look,

Rover is actually sprouting.

Your old man

has a green thumb after all.

- Good work, Tom.

- Thanks.

I knew you'd appreciate it.

What? Tom!

What is this Tom business,

anyway?

Kenny P. Landers calls

his dad by his first name.

There's that name again.

Who is this kid, anyway?

You know,

my friend with the dog.

Oh, Nicholas,

I thought we agreed

that we wouldn't talk

about that dog anymore

we'd just concentrate on Rover.

Yeah, but a plant

can't do nothing.

A dog can roll over, do tricks,

and you can take him for a walk.

- A plant just sits there.

- No, no, Nicholas.

A lot of people think

that they can actually

talk to their plants.

You mean, he can understand

what I'm saying?

Hmm, that's what

a lot of people think.

Rover, can you understand

what I'm saying?

Well, what did he say?

He said he wants a dog.

It's a finite death

in the center of harmony.

We equivocate

to regain equilibrium.

Oh, there is dreadful silence

in the groin of harmony.

We do not communicate..

...we equivocate.

- We die!

- Equivocating.

[audience applauding]

It's really powerful.

The whole theme

of...equivocation..

...and death.

A lot of girls would laugh

at me, bringing them here.

I'm not laughing.

You know, Joannie, if I would

ever let myself be happy

which I wouldn't,

but if I would..

...I can really be happy

with a girl like you.

Josh, would you let me

read your play?

I mean, I know

you'd rather not, but..

...it's really important to me.

You're important to me.

And I have a feeling that..

...your play...is you.

It's called

"Never Together Forever."

It's about a man's

inability to love.

- Did you like the Brahms?

- No.

- I'm bored.

- Yeah, that makes two of us.

But it's my business

for me to be, uh

to be seen here, you see,

and make some good contacts.

Michael, Michael, my boy,

good to see you.

Ryan's oil money.

- Hello, Michael.

- Hi.

- You remember my wife?

- Yes, how do you do?

Well, it's a marvelous

evening, isn't it?

Mm-hmm.

Well, Michael, who, uh

'who's your little friend?'

- Oh, why, why, this is um..

- Susan Bradford.

Of the, uh,

publishing Bradfords.

Oh, really?

And which publications

are those, my dear?

Oh, you've heard of the

Sacramento Register of course.

Of course, of course.

A lot of doctors are content

to spend the rest of their lives

fixing noses and catering

to rich hypochondriacs.

But not you.

You're gonna change

the world, right?

[chuckles]

Maybe.

But right now, my world

seems pretty wonderful.

Howard, may I ask you

a question?

Sure.

Are you a religious man?

Uh, what brought this on?

- Come on, you know.

- 'No, I don't.'

Please, Howard, I mean,

this is important to me.

[clears throat]

Well..

...I suppose that

deep down inside

I believe in God and miracles.

I mean, it was something

that I was brought up on.

It's not something

that is easily dismissed.

Um, why all the questions?

- Uh, how's your pastrami?

- Lean.

Good, I'll have that in rye with

a knish and a cream soda. Nancy.

I'll have the corned beef

on white with mayo.

Uh, why don't you change

the white to rye

and the mayo to mustard?

'Want something to drink?'

- Milk?

- Wrong again, honey.

Make that two cream sodas.

I'm afraid I'm not

very good at this.

You'll learn, you'll learn.

I hope so.

You know, it's hard enough

handling one daughter in love

but handling three at one time,

I'd tell you, that is m*rder.

- Hey, what's this?

- 'What?'

Look at this.

Oh, my gosh,

you know what that is?

It's a parachute.

A parachute?

Hey, since when did members

of the press corps

have parachutes?

Oh, well, you know, in case

we had to drop a preposition.

Oh..

No, actually, this belonged

to Staff Sergeant David Plott.

In those days in the army,

they used to use pure silk

to make parachutes

and Plott told me he was

gonna use the material

for his daughter's

wedding dress.

So I said, "Listen, Plott,

I got a great idea

"I'll trade you

one of the army's typewriters

and you give me

one of the parachutes."

So he did.

What did the army get?

Two years out of our lives.

[both laughing]

You know it's a funny

thing though, isn't it?

I mean, that we should find this

after all of these years.

I wonder if that

could be an omen.

I have an announcement to make.

Well, announce.

Dad, Abby..

...I'm in love.

Nancy, who's the lucky guy?

- Howard.

- 'That's great.'

The omen.

And I'm hoping

to become engaged to him.

- Nancy.

- 'Wait, there's more.'

More?

(Nancy)

'I was thinking,

in order to form a more'

'harmonious relationship..'

...I'm planning

to convert to Judaism.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Oh, excuse me.

'Could you tell me where

I could find the rabbi, please?'

I'm Rabbi Wise.

You're the rabbi?

There're old rabbis

and there are young rabbis.

What can I do for you?

Oh, why don't we start

with your name?

Oh, I'm sorry. Um, Nancy.

Nancy Bradford.

Uh, would you like to talk

about something, Nancy?

I wanna convert.

Well, uh, why don't we

sit down a minute?

Okay.

So, Nancy, tell me, um

why would you like

to adopt our religion?

Well, I think it's a very

interesting religion.

Uh, did you study it in school?

No.

But I saw "Fiddler On The Roof."

[chuckles]

Good movie,

"Fiddler On The Roof."

Why don't you tell me

what the real reason is?

Well, I met this Jewish boy.

Aah..

Rabbi..

Rabbi, is that the wrong reason?

The wrong reason?

I've heard some reasons

that are better than others

but I don't think

there is a wrong reason

if you're sincere

and your heart's open.

Tell you what I'm gonna do,

I'm gonna give you a book

of Jewish laws and traditions

and I'd like to suggest

that you take another look

at the "Old Testament."

'Do some studying

and some thinking.'

And come on back,

and we'll talk some more, okay?

Okay. Thank you.

Look, why are you

doing this to me?

Well, it is a big deal.

Hey, look, Fred,

my, my dad's waiting outside.

I gotta go, alright?

What do you mean he's not?

Look where?

Will you get out

of that phone booth?

I don't like having my

apartment under surveillance.

Alright, alright. Yes, Fred.

Yes, you win.

Yes, I cracked.

Call off the blood hounds,

thank you.

I'll go, I'll go.

[telephone ringing]

Yes.

You're welcome, Fred.

What's this, ravioli soup?

[chuckling]

No, it's a matzah ball soup,

and it's a Jewish delicacy.

My matzah balls..

They shouldn't get too cold.

Oh, it looks so good.

- You think so, huh?

- Yeah, I do.

Is this whole dinner

gonna be Jewish delicacies?

Uh-huh.

We're gonna

have chopped liver

Bubba's gefilte fish

pickled herring,

and lean corn beef on rye.

And do me a favor, Elizabeth,

don't ask for mayonnaise.

I heard Joannie and Susan's

boyfriend's coming too.

So?

Well, don't you think

they're gonna feel like

they're in the wrong house

or, uh, maybe

in the twilight zone?

Why?

People who eat

in Italian restaurants

aren't always Italian.

Well, don't take this

personally

but I think

I'm gonna skip dinner.

Bad cold.

'Yuck.'

That liver must have come

from the biggest chicken ever.

What are you talking about?

Well, even I know

that chopped liver

is made with chicken liver.

Oh.

(Joannie)

'Boy, this is great stuff,

Nancy.'

- 'Thanks, Joannie.'

- 'Yeah, great stuff, Nance.'

'It's real...exotic.'

'You must have

spent hours on it.'

(Nancy)

'Oh, no, no, no, no.'

'Just a little something

I threw together.'

I'm telling you, Howard,

you can't start..

Now we got a lot of doctors

that invest with us.

You come and see me,

I'll have you on the golf course

three afternoons

out of the week.

I don't play golf.

Why don't you just

stop asking the doctor?

Can't you see

he's not in to money?

Are you talking to me?

Are there any other

stock pushers in the room?

Boy, this is the best

gefilte fish I've ever had.

Me too.

Can I have some ketchup?

You know, uh, there are doctors

that, uh, don't play golf.

Name three.

Well, there are people

who are more concerned

with human suffering

than with making a buck.

Listen, I got nothing

against human suffering

but what's wrong with

making a buck, huh?

Uh, Nancy,

the table looks lovely.

Excuse me, Abby.

Listen, what if

I were to tell you

that in a few short weeks

a product is going

to hit the market

which is gonna go

right through the roof?

And this baby is a sure thing.

Nothing is sure, J.P.

We're not even sure

the sun's gonna rise tomorrow.

Oh, yeah,

I'll take that action.

Listen, they're coming out

with a brand new product

gourmet dog food.

Come on, now, who's gonna invest

money on something like that?

- Pickled herring?

- Oh, no, please.

That stuff is terrible.

'It's gonna open at three'

and it's gonna go right

to in no time at all.

Who cares?

Josh, you haven't even

touched your fish.

Come on, Joannie,

you know how I feel

about eating dead things.

What do you say, Howard? I get

you in on the ground floor.

You know what I think?

I think it's a crime

that medical research

is begging for dollars

and you're pushing dog food.

That's what I think.

Money, money, money.

Have you ever really

looked at it closely..

...felt it, smelled it?

It stinks..

...of human sweat, anxiety,

ulcers and heart att*cks.

Uh, well, would anyone

like some more wine?

Oh, no, no, with this rich food,

it'll be awful for the liver.

(Josh)

'Let me tell you

a little story.'

Now my father's business partner

is a millionaire

several times over.

About a month ago, he was

driving through a toll booth.

He tossed his quarter

at the machine

'the quarter

missed the machine'

so he opens the door

and bends down

to try to pick it up.

Only he forgot one thing.

His seat belt was on

and it was on tight.

And you know what he got

for that lousy quarter?

Double hernia!

(Howard)

'Now that's interesting.'

'Was it an inguinal hernia?'

Well, a hernia's a hernia,

but you get my point.

Frankly, no.

It's all over lousy money.

It is enough to make you

wanna throw up.

An inguinal hernia is distinctly

different from a hiatal hernia.

A hiatal hernia is aggravated

by bad eating habits.

You guys with your hernias

and your capitalism.

'I'll tell you,

it makes me sick.'

(Howard)

'Sick. You're depressing.'

(Josh)

'I am depressing,

that's right.'

'Depression is proof..'

[indistinct chattering]

[instrumental music]

Hi, Josh.

I've read your play.

Wow.

I mean, I really

got into it, you know.

- It's just that I--

- It's just that what?

It's just that I think,

maybe, in the-in the beginning

that the audience

will have a hard time

having sympathy with him.

So, what, who cares

about the audience?

I mean, either they like it

or they don't, right?

Well, come on,

don't get defensive.

I'm just trying to give you

some constructive criticism,

that's all.

Oh, great. Now you're giving me

euphemism from grade school.

Shallow, Joannie,

really shallow.

Oh, boy.

Shallow.

[chuckles]

I suppose the, uh, giant rats

possessed by the devil

in Act III is deep.

Alright, knock it off.

I don't have to stand here

and take criticism

from an actress.

You're really gonna

have to explain that one.

No problem.

I mean, you act,

you interpret, right?

I create. Do you see

the difference there?

'A creator takes a blank page

and winds up with art.'

What do you think acting is,

huh? Chopped liver?

Acting is showing up

for rehearsals on time

acting is doing what

the director tells you to do.

Well, if you have so little

respect for what I do

how come you're wasting

so much time with me?

- Honestly?

- Yeah.

Take a look at yourself

in the mirror.

You're sexually appealing.

Truth hurts.

You just can't be

honest with people.

So where are the girls?

- Will you relax?

- I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed.

You're the one

who should be nervous

I'm holding you personally

responsible for this.

No, this is on me, alright?

Huh?

Four general admission, please.

I mean,

you-you are acting crazy.

I mean, this girl is a prize.

Come on.

Just relax and..

Look,

hey, there they are. Huh?

'Yours is the one on the left.'

Did you say on the left?

On the left. Yes, yes.

Mine is on the right.

[instrumental music]

Mary, come on, it's fine.

Hi.

Uh, this is David.

And this is Mary.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Look at this. They can't take

their eyes off each other.

And who say's blind dates

don't work out, huh?

You can thank me later.

Haven't we met

somewhere before?

You do look awfully familiar.

You too, uh,

perhaps, it was Portofino, .

Uh, no, no, no

I think Acapulco, .

[clears throat]

Uh.

Mm.

Michael..

Michael, I have

something on my mind.

Please, can it wait

till the commercial?

- What are you doing?

- I'm turning off the TV set!

Uh, Michael, I feel

that our joint outlook

is a little too limited

and I would like

to expand our horizons.

In other words,

I would like to spend

an entire evening

just talking.

Wh..

You're stuck, aren't you?

It's Saturday and the stock

exchange was closed today.

Yeah, well, you're making me

a little self-conscious.

You know, I mean,

and like right out of the blue

you say to a guy,

you wanna, uh, talk.

Yeah, you took me off guard.

Off guard?

- Uh-huh.

- You're stuck?

You know, that's too bad,

Michael

because you are the nicest

most intelligent,

mature man I've ever met.

So what's wrong?

You're also the most boring.

I think you know your way out.

See you around.

[knock on door]

- Oh, doc, hi.

- Hi, is Nancy home?

Uh, yeah, come on in.

I think

she's upstairs in her room

keeping holy the Sabbath.

I-I'll go get her.

Hey, Nancy.

You think I'm boring?

Would you like

my professional opinion?

Yes.

- Hi, Howard.

- Hi, Nance.

I heard from Stanford.

They approved my grant.

I start next week.

Alright, Howard,

that's wonderful.

Oh, I'm so happy for you.

San Francisco is pretty nice

in the spring time.

It's wonderful, fantastic.

You're gonna have to come up

and visit some time.

- Visit you?

- Oh, sure.

You're not gonna write me off

just because I'm a few hours

away, are you?

Write you off?

Howard, I thought

I was gonna go with you.

Didn't you say

that our happiness

was in our future together?

Nancy.

My immediate future is for me.

Alone.

You know, the workload,

the tension. I..

[sighing]

I can't expect someone else

to carry that burden with me.

And I don't get a choice?

Maybe, you just don't want me

hangin' around you, Howard.

Now, you know that's not true.

No, I don't know

that's not true.

[exhales]

Have you ever once

taken the time

to find out

what's important to me?

'You know, you didn't even

thank me for the other night.'

What other night?

The chopped liver,

the Jewish bread

the kosher wine.

You know, all this time,

Howard, I was preparing

to convert to Judaism for you.

'Well, for us, and you didn't

even have the decency to--'

Hold it,

W-wait a minute, Nancy.

I never said I was Jewish.

Oh, I'm not

a complete idiot, Howard.

I mean, I can figure

some things out for myself.

- Your name is Stine, isn't it?

- Yes.

But it's German,

I'm not Jewish.

Oh, boy.

I am a complete idiot.

No, you're not.

Look, this has happened

to me before..

...but if you had

any doubts...about me

any questions, you should have

come to me and asked me.

I would have told you.

But with religion aside

I-I-I still think

that it's the wrong time

in my life for you and me.

Maybe later. I'd like that.

Maybe.

That is if the invitation's

still open.

It certainly is.

[instrumental music]

Why are you staring at Rover?

Oh!

- Read this.

- What?

"Cannabis sativa."

Nicholas has been

growing marijuana.

Where did he get the seeds.

Where?

From the ever loving

Kenny P. Landers.

I tell you, that kid

and his family

have been nothing, but trouble.

- So what are you gonna do?

- I don't know.

Such a cute little thing.

No, really.

Look at the cute little leaves.

Oh! Stop laughing!

You're laughing, and I have

to put Rover to sleep.

I'm sorry.

Don't look at me that way.

[laughing]

I'm sorry it didn't

work out, Nancy.

Yeah, so am I.

Thank you for the books.

- Rabbi.

- Hmm?

I'm really not sure I wanna

turn my back on everything.

What I mean is, Howard's leaving

it hasn't really

changed everything.

You mean

you still wanna convert?

[sighs]

Well..

This past weekend,

I read more of "The Bible"

and I really felt something.

It was a good feeling.

Sort of like a sense of purpose.

I don't know. This is really

hard for me to explain.

Well, this is

a strange turn of events.

Nancy, let me ask you this.

Have you always

believed in God?

N-not assume there was a God,

I'm not saying that

but really believed in Him,

and his love?

Well, I never really thought

about it, until recently.

You know what I think?

I think maybe,

you've discovered God.

By accident, perhaps.

But I'd prefer to think

it was by design.

Call it God's will.

I don't understand.

It's the Lord you've

discovered, Nancy, not Judaism.

'We may have

helped out a little bit.'

And we've got

a saying around here

"He who enters

with a closed soul

may leave with an open heart."

Thank you.

Mazel tov.

Excuse me?

Good luck.

Boy, am I glad

this vacation is almost over.

Now, you won't be saying that

when you're sittin' in class.

I say we take a vow

never to fall in love again.

- True.

- Yeah, until spring vacation.

Seven days in May.

Sh-sh-sh.

Hey, you guys, quiet.

I finally got through.

Hello, yeah,

the name of the tune

is "I crashed my heart

on the highway of your love."

It is? I did?

Hey, everybody, I won!

- Hurray!

- Alright, Tommy.

I won, I got through.

Yeah, this is Tommy Bradford.

When can I..

What?

Yeah.

Congratulations.

(Tommy)

'Yeah, for what?

For winning.

Hey, why the long face?

They ran out of tickets to

the concert about an hour ago.

I won two KRLJ T-shirts.

[laughing]

I hope they have

[indistinct] size.

[instrumental music]

Well, Rover,

it's time to say goodbye now.

I don't understand why.

When dad was trying to explain

he started a lot of sentences,

but didn't finish 'em.

Mary says you're a, a..

(Abby)

'Victim of society.'

Yeah, I don't know

what that means

but I hope

it makes you feel better.

- Dad?

- What, what is it?

You know how I despise

v*olence of any kind?

Yes, so what?

I'd be more than willing

to adopt Rover.

Cute. Very cute.

Maybe, you could try it

with your eyes closed.

- Hmm?

- Your eyes closed.

Ah! Take it away.

I can't stand unpleasantries.

It's okay, dad,

you did what you had to do.

There are some good plants

and there are some bad plants

and there are some

illegal plants.

- Thanks, Nicholas.

- Dad, can I have a dog now?

[laughing]

[chuckles]

- Huh, dad? Huh?

- Please?

[theme music]