02x23 - Long Night's Journey Into Day

[bunniefuu]

"Long Nights Journey Into Day."

One apple, take .

(male #)

'And...action!'

Hi, I guess you're wondering

what I'm doing here tonight

in a suit and all.

Well, it's kinda crazy,

but I'm gonna explain

it to you any which ways.

Well, see, tonight we have

a kind of special show for you.

It's called,

"The Retsetro-retro.." Uh..

(male #)

'Retrospective, Nicholas.

Retrospective.'

Oh, yeah. Sorry. Retrospective.

I don't exactly know

what that means

but I know it's

a different kind of show.

So..

I forgot

what I'm supposed to say next.

(male #)

'Say, "Sit back

and enjoy yourself."'

Oh, yeah.

So sit back and enjoy yourself.

And see all

the kind of funny things

that happens to the Bradford's.

[giggles]

See, so stick around.

Isn't it over yet?

(male #)

'It's over. Cut!'

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

- Hi.

- Hi.

Uh, it's nice to have a man

around the house, isn't it?

Yeah, he was too big

to handle this.

So we made a deal.

He's cooking tonight.

Well, in that case,

I'm gonna eat out.

And miss chili con Bradford?

Look, I've had

the pleasure of that.

You haven't. So, I'll eat out.

By the way,

I need to talk to him.

- Uh, do you know where he is?

- Yes, he's in the bedroom.

Meditating in front

of a crossword puzzle.

- Oh, okay. Thank you.

- Mm-hmm.

Come in.

- 'Hi, dad.'

- Oh, hi.

Um...what you doing?

No, just keep quiet,

I'm trying to think

of an eight letter word

to think.

Eight letter word? Cogitate.

C-O-G-I-T-A-T-E.

That's it!

Why didn't I...cogitate that?

Well, because you spent all day

cogitating over the typewriter.

That's right.

Oh, what can I do for you,

daughter number one?

[sighs]

Well..

[floor rumbling]

- Oh, no!

- Abby!

'Abby!'

Abby!

'Abby!'

[intense music]

Dad, she's unconscious.

I'll call Max.

Is she going be alright,

Dr. Maxwell?

Yeah, I think so.

There is a slight possibility

of a minor concussion,

but we won't know until morning.

We have to hospitalize her?

No, they do the same thing for

her there that you can do here.

Uh, every couple of hours,

talk to her.

Make sure she is coherent.

Uh, recognizes her surroundings,

things like that.

You mean, we should try

and keep her awake all night?

More or less.

You see, what you have to watch

for in any type of concussion

is that you don't allow the, uh

patient to slip into a coma.

Now, I'm making it sound more

serious than it really is.

What I'm saying is that

Abby shouldn't sleep for longer

than short periods of time

over the next twelve hours.

Anything else?

Yes, uh, watch her

temperature and her pulse.

Make sure everything is normal.

How do we keep her awake?

Well...I'm sure

you all have enough stories

to entertain her

for the next twelve hours.

Uh, I'll stop by later tonight.

- Bye, Dr. Maxwell.

- Thank you, Dr. Maxwell.

Oh, uh, I'll be on rounds

at St Mary's until eight

and I'll be home after that.

Don't hesitate to call me.

- Alright. Max, thanks a lot.

- Really.

Huh, does he mean

bedtime stories?

No, no bedtime stories,

they put people to sleep.

We've got to keep Abby awake.

Uh, how about funny stories?

Yeah, alright. Why not.

Okay, g*ng. Let's get organized.

- Somebody make a pot of coffee.

- I'll do it.

- Someone, uh, call David.

- I will.

Somebody better make a schedule

of our shift, alright.

This is gonna be a long night.

Okay.

You don't feel so hot, huh?

I've felt better, Nicholai.

You don't have that thing

where you can't

remember anything, do you?

'Cause I saw

this thing on TV, you know.

Where a man falls on his head

and he can't even

remember his name.

No, I don't think

I have amnesia.

Oh, yeah. Well..

Who's the th president?

'Hmm, the th president.'

Beats me.

Don't worry.

I can't even remember.

Listen, wanna hear a story?

Yeah.

(Nicholas)

Once upon a time,

I wanted to get arrested

but I didn't exactly know

how to go about it.

[cat meows]

[instrumental music]

- 'It's in my garage.'

- 'What is?'

The cat. I'm a cat burglar.

Thirty days till I retire

and I get Dennis the menace.

My name is Nicholas.

Aren't you gonna make me

stand over the wall

so you can frisk me?

The answer is no.

Come on, kid. Come clean.

Why did you steal the cat?

So I can be like

all my brothers and sisters.

Your brothers and sisters

steal cats?

No, they've all been arrested.

And I'm the only one

in the whole family

that's never been arrested.

Well, that's something

to be proud of.

You're the only one

with the clean record.

[sighs]

Okay.

Stick out your mitts.

Your hands, kid.

Stick out your hands.

You have the right

to remain silent.

You have the right

to an attorney.

If you cannot afford attorney

one will be provided

by the court.

[instrumental music]

No, kid. Don't smile.

Watch your step, kid.

You got a record now.

Yup.

- Now do I go to jail?

- Now you go to jail.

Dad said I was misguided

so he tried to make things up

to me by being my best friend.

Boy, did he ever.

I'm going to teach you

how to swim.

Well, I don't have my swimsuit.

That's alright.

You don't need one.

- You, you mean, you swim naked?

- That's right.

That's how

Tommy and David learned.

It's easier that way.

You don't have the trunks

to weigh you down.

Okay, but if we get arrested,

just remember it was your idea.

The first, it was the YMCA.

(Tom)

'Well, you ready, Nicholas?'

(Nicholas)

'If you say so, dad.'

(Tom)

'Good luck.'

[instrumental music]

[children screaming]

Somehow we beat the rat

but dad still wanted to spend

all his time with me.

So he took me kite flying.

Only he did the flying.

No! No!

And I did the watching.

And I lost a good kite.

Are you and dad still friends?

Yeah, but not best friends.

Freddy Ryan's my best friend.

Mm.

Nicholas, would you mind

if I just got

a little bit of sleep?

Yeah, but not too much.

Okay. Not to much.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

- Abby!

- Mm.

Sorry, but, uh, doctor's orders.

It's your shift, huh?

Yeah, I made up the schedule.

Actually, it wasn't very taxing.

See, I just devised it

in reverse orders of bed times.

Pretty brilliant, huh?

Yeah.

But, um,

I'm not always this brilliant.

I remember the last time when

I tried to workin' on something.

It was my first big plunge

in the high finance.

I wanted to be

a real business tycoon.

Well, what're we talkin' about?

Mary and I

are having a garage sale.

(Mary)

'I was prowling

around in the attic'

when I suddenly realized

that there's a small fortune

in junk up there

that we never use.

(Tommy)

'Uh, no, no. Wait a minute.'

You said there was a junk.

I said there was

a small fortune.

Relax, Tommy, I just

brought over some merchandise.

Hm, alright,

we'll take it on a consignment.

If it's saleable.

I don't know,

some of this stuff

is pretty tacky, David.

That is a genuine

Boy Scout bugle.

One owner.

Alright.

Here, Elizabeth, put . on it.

Put a slash through it.

Mark it down to five bucks.

We'll take anything down

to cents.

I thought this garage sale

was suppose

to be a partnership.

It is,

you're percent partner.

I'm a percent partner.

I came up with the idea

and I'm providing

the management services.

Then how come I'm carrying

most of the load?

Tommy, do we still have

that umbrella tent dad bought

the time he promised

to take us camping?

Yeah, it's over there.

I'm asking bucks for it.

Including a certified affidavit

that this family

never slept in it.

Well, you have to change that.

I'm sleeping in it tonight.

Uh, no, no, I'm sorry, Susan

but, uh,

I can't let you do that.

You see,

the depreciation between

new and used is brutal.

Tommy, I'm your sister.

Blood is blood

and business is business.

Which leaves us

with a net total of

thirty one, forty six..

Thirty one dollars

and forty six cents?

That's hardly more than

ten dollars for each of us.

No, that's more like

five dollars

for the junior partners

and in the neighborhood of

dollars for the front office.

Oh, wait a second,

wait a minute.

No, no, no.

Now a, a deal is a deal.

Sixty seven percent

for the front office

and thirty three percent

for the..

...minority share holders.

Ugh.

Hey, if you wanted a sure thing

you should have stuck

with baby sitting.

The front office?

Well it's...lonely at the top.

'You know what

I mean, sweetheart?'

It was also a wet at top.

You know what I mean,

sweetheart?

[instrumental music]

Hi, Elizabeth!

Hi, I didn't know

you were awake.

Yeah, Tommy's been

keeping me up

with tales of his

business troubles.

Oh, well, listen,

maybe I should let you

spend some time alone.

No, no, no, come sit down.

Keep me company.

Okay.

Well, you know,

I'm not very good at stories.

You could just talk.

Okay.

You know,

I can remember a time when you

didn't want to

talk to me at all.

Yeah, I guess

I was being a little selfish.

[doorbell ringing]

I've got a history of being

a little selfish.

Hi, I'm Billy Client Connect.

I'm here for Elizabeth.

Oh, sure. Come in.

Hi, I'm Nancy.

I'm Billy Client Connect.

I'm here for Elizabeth.

Yeah, I kinda guessed.

Uh, Nance,

I have to get dressed to my..

Okay, why don't you

come in to the den

and I'll go tell her

you're here, okay?

Dad, uh, this is

Billy Client Connect.

My father, Mr. Bradford.

Oh, hello. Nice to meet you.

I'm Billy Clint Connect.

I'm here for Elizabeth.

Uh, I'll let you two

get acquainted.

Uh, no-no, wa..

Oh, alright. Very good.

Uh, sit down, Billy.

Make yourself at home.

Well..

[doorbell ringing]

- Hi!

- Hi!

I'm Jeremy Belcher

and I'm here for Elizabeth.

Uh, sure, come in.

Uh, why don't you

come in here, Jeremy?

And, uh, I'll tell Elizabeth

that you're here.

Have a seat.

Listen, why don't I go and see

what's taking her so long.

I'm sure it's nothing

to worry about.

Just make yourself home.

I'll be..

[dramatic music]

Hi! I'm here for Elizabeth.

Yeah, I-I kind of had a hunch.

I better warn her you're here.

We have a bit of a problem.

There are two guys downstairs

waiting to take you to the prom.

Jeremy, what are you doing here?

You mean tonight

isn't the prom?

Billy?

[doorbell ringing]

It was so embarrassing.

The night couldn't possibly

get any worse.

Good evening. I'm Mike Thompson.

'I'm here for Elizabeth.'

- Hi, Abby.

- Hi.

How you doing?

I'm staying awake.

Uh...good.

Are the, uh,

headache's still bad?

- Kind of.

- Shucks, I'm so sorry.

Maybe you'd feel better

if I told you some of my

most famous headache stories.

Tom, you're not gonna tell

your medical history, are you?

No, no, it's more like

a paternal history.

You know headaches

kinda go with my job and..

...boy, I've had some

real beauties.

Daddy.

I wanna go on the pill.

Yo-you-you wanna go on the pill?

We're not

getting married, daddy.

We're gonna live together.

Quarantine,

what is this all about?

No, please, don't come out

of your house, Mr. Bradford.

Things can go in. Food so forth,

but nothing is to come out.

- 'I'm sorry.'

- Excuse me, sir.

I don't live here.

You do now.

Who are you?

Would you repeat

that last part, please?

You're not gonna believe this.

I have seven kids in jail.

But even with headaches

I've still had a few minor

moments of glory.

Like explaining

the facts of life to Tommy.

Tommy, uh, d-do you know

what the, uh,

word, uh, puberty means?

Uh, it-it is the,

uh, time in life..

...when a young person's body

experiences certain changes.

'These, these changes'

'uh, can be,

uh...very confusing.'

Because, they, uh,

they send messages to the..

...to the brain.

And this, uh..

...very confusing.

Do you follow me?

Y-y-you see, men-men and women

are-are-are

constructed differently.

Like cars, they,

they both start out with

the same standard equipment.

A-a-a-four wheels and a motor.

Uh, but-but then of course

we have our various options.

Power steering

and, uh, disc brakes.

You see?

Uh-uh, th-think-think of it

as a, as a dance

of electronic force.

'Did you see

what I'm getting at?'

So, to-to sum it all up..

...watch yourself

Saturday night.

Thanks dad,

I'll keep that in mind.

[instrumental music]

That speech put

Tommy to sleep too.

Abby..

...I love you.

[crickets chirping]

[instrumental music]

(Susan)

'Coffee call.'

Oh, thanks.

You're welcome.

Uh, I-I made decaffeinated,

I figured the heat would keep us

awake without the caffeine

making us anymore nervous.

Oh, I don't think

I could be more nervous.

Well, instead of

having a concussion

we could be having a baby.

I think I could be more nervous.

Wonder how Nancy is doing.

[sighs]

I must say you have

a unique bed side manner.

'Are you trying

to hypnotize me?'

Oh, no, Abby. I..

I-it's just that

I'm not good at being

'around people who are sick.'

Oh.

I start imagining

that I have what they have.

Then you must have a pretty

bad headache right now, huh?

You would have to mention that.

'This headache is nothing

compared to the one I had'

'when I was a contestant in

Miss Sacramento beauty pageant.'

It all started

because of the talent contest

and I found out just

how untalented I was.

If you remember?

[screams]

- Oh, Mary..

- Nancy..

Baton twirling

is not a martial art.

I know, but I can't do it.

- I can't do it.

- You can't do it.

I couldn't do it.

(Abby)

'This is gonna

make a great routine.'

What?

Oh, tell me.

(Abby)

'On your mark, get set, go!'

If it weren't for you,

I would have never realized

how truly talented I was.

[instrumental music]

(male #)

And here she is.

The fifth

and last finalist herself

Miss...Nancy Bradford!

[screams]

[audience applauding]

(Nancy)

I didn't win,

but my hair sure looked good.

[applause continues]

Even though it's not

New Years, I guess

it's a good time

to make a resolution.

I, Nancy Bradford,

do solemnly swear that

I will never do

dumb things again.

Or at least I won't

be so obvious about it.

Abby, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah. It's nothing, um..

Could you, could you

hand me my water, please?

Sure.

Thank you.

That's better.

- Thank you.

- Uh-huh.

You want anything else?

Do you know any funny stories to

tell me to will keep me awake?

Funny stories.

Yeah.

Oh-oh, I'm sorry.

- It's okay.

- Okay.

Let me think now.

Well, you know, I may not do

as many dumb things as Nancy

but I sure

can do some crazy things.

- Do you remember me on TV?

- Mm-mm.

Yeah, well, let me tell you

she can sure inspire

some nuts old things.

Like the time she came last year

for that surprise visit.

Oh, boy!

In two days,

she had made , feet.

Look, she's climbing out

on the wind.

[instrumental music]

(Susan)

I enjoyed every foot of it,

except for the last few.

I didn't exactly

hit my mark, but I did land.

I did it. I did it. I did it!

Hurray!

And if you think skydiving is

dangerous, try competing with

Joannie for a boyfriend,

Roger had us both flying.

"As brief as a flash of sunlight

on the burning sand..

...and as everlasting

as the desert night."

See, I think that, uh, Al-Qatar

is talking about us here.

I mean, that's what we have.

It is both fleeting and strong.

(Susan)

At least you didn't

have to sit through

series answer to Rod McKuen.

Pashi Al-Qatari.

(Joannie)

Oh, yeah?

"Love is like

the fragrance of the wind.

(in unison)

"Brief as a flash of sunlight

on the burning sand.

And everlasting

as a dessert night."

Oh.

That's what I like

best about Roger.

He treat us both separate,

but equal.

- You know?

- Yeah.

I think we owe him

a debt of gratitude.

I brought the bubbly.

That's what I call

planning ahead.

And I brought the glasses.

What is this?

Well, do you need it

spelled out?

Yeah, we've just decided not to

fight over you anymore, Roger.

Yeah, that wasn't fair

to any of us.

Now think about it.

This is the only solution

that makes any sense at all.

Yeah.

I heard about

these arrangements but, uh

I never really

been a part of them.

The best is yet to come.

Uh-uh..

(Susan)

And the best was yet to come.

- Well.

- Well..

Hi.

[knock on door]

Oh, not again.

David.

I have absolutely nothing..

(all)

Hello, Roger, dear.

[instrumental music]

(Joannie)

Roger's a dodger.

We never saw him again

after that night.

'He ran home to his mother.'

Anyway, there's no reason

to go on telling you

what Susan probably

already told you.

Don't be silly.

I mean, I know all about Roger

but I never heard

both sides of the story.

- Oh, well, now you know.

- Hmm.

[chuckles]

Ey, remember that time when dad

almost had a heart failure

when I was doing

"Midsummer Night's Dream."

Vividly.

Yeah, but you never knew

what I went through before

opening night to try to keep him

in the dark, but aye, aye, aye!

Shakespeare in the nude?

It was just one scene

in the opening of act three.

But it's critical.

Susan, what do you think

I should do?

I think you should

give me that ice cream.

You're on a strict diet.

[instrumental music]

(Joannie)

Susan was a big help.

She was such a big help,

I finally went to David.

- You're kidding.

- 'David!'

I just wanna know if you think

I...should tell dad.

Of course not. He'll freak.

Great.

Joannie, I have to talk to you.

- About what?

- About the play.

Dad, I-I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

No, I'm the one who is sorry.

'I feel terrible.'

- Terrible?

- Yes.

I can't come to see the play.

You can't?

(Joannie)

Famous last words. He did come.

(male #)

'I'm not afraid.'

[indistinct muttering]

Okay. Get ready.

Go, go, go!

[man singing]

(Joannie)

I hadn't seen a look

like that on dad's face since..

I never have seen

a look like that on dad's face.

Dad was so understanding.

I mean, he made me realize

that anything that one of us

does affects the whole family.

You mean,

like falling on your head?

Yeah, like falling on your head.

[knock on door]

(Joannie)

'Yeah, come in.'

- Bed check.

- Hi, Dr. Max.

It's : a.m.

Do you know

where your patients are?

Max, don't make me laugh.

Joannie, uh, why don't

you get some rest

while I visit visit with Abby.

Okay.

- Bye.

- Bye.

Thanks.

Thank you, Dr. Max.

Well..

How are we feeling?

Yes, for myself,

I'm feeling better I guess.

Any, uh, nausea, dizziness?

Disorientation?

Clammy skin? Perspiration?

Fatigue.

That's natural.

You haven't slept.

The service in this hospital

has been outstanding.

Well. You have me

to thank for that.

How so?

Well, if it weren't for me,

you wouldn't be here.

You mean,

you pushed me off the ladder?

What I mean is

I got you into this family

in the first place.

Oh, come on, Greg.

You and I didn't meet until long

after Tom and I started dating.

Stop interrupting

and I'll tell you what I mean.

There.

Now, as I was saying

if I had not shown

Tom what it meant

to be a swinging single

he would have never been

in a marrying frame of mind.

[instrumental music]

When Daisy kicked me out

where else could I go

but to my best friend's?

I feel guilty about

going out tonight.

I have mountains

of research work to do.

Not tonight, Tom.

Not with all those fascinating

females waiting out there.

[upbeat music]

Could you two excuse me, I've

gotta go to the ladies room.

- Oh.

- I'll go too and freshen up.

- Oh, okay.

- Thank you.

Hurry back.

Oh, boy.

Daisy could take some lessons

on having fun from that one.

Yeah, Max.

They're not coming back.

Are you sure about this?

Don't you think at least

we should have met them first.

Relax, Tom, the brother-in-law

of the guy who services my car

knows these girls personally,

Lillian and Mavis.

Real ladies, I sure think.

(female #)

'What do you

think about it, Tom?'

A-about what?

The energy crisis.

Oh. The energy crisis.

It's critical.

It's very critical.

Oh-ha-ha-ha..

Listen, would you fellows

excuse us for just a moment?

- Oh, sure.

- Sure.

Which one do you want?

Oh, I don't really care, Greg.

It's all the same to you.

I'll take the cute one.

Sure.

Which one is that?

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

Oh..

- Well?

- Not well.

Not even better.

But at least no worse.

You mean, she's not

out of the woods yet?

- Not quite.

- What are we gonna do?

Do exactly

as you've been doing.

And for the most part, uh,

keep her awake and comfortable.

If there should be

any change at all..

- I'll call you right away.

- Right.

Uh, Tom.

I know it seems

pretty bad now, but I'm sure

that by morning

Abby will be up and around.

By morning, huh?

It's still a few hours yet.

[music continues]

Well, the word around

the hallway is that..

...gonna pull through.

Don't believe in rumors.

Why not?

I mean, they make just

as much sense as anything else.

'And that's coming from somebody

who's put a lot of faith'

in some pretty flaky things.

I'll be the first one

to admit, I stood up

for a lot of causes in my time.

...time,

so she had to break our date.

(Mary)

Most of those causes ran

contrary to popular opinion.

Oh, no, hit me, it's alright.

Not to mention, dad's opinion.

Dad, I want you to know that

I thought a lot about this.

I wanna run for a seat

on the board of education

in the upcoming election.

I thought you said, you had

thought a lot about this.

So, I hit the streets

looking for support.

He never signs anything

without his attorney.

I think I should

stick to medicine, huh?

It's your body language.

- It's my, what?

- Your body.

It's telling everyone

that you're Mary Bradford

scared political candidate.

- Oh, is that right?

- Hmm.

Well, Nancy,

what is my body telling you now?

A-a-aye, come on, you guys.

Let's get hold

of our dignity here

we have to be in the public eye.

Wh-you're so good. Nancy,

come on show her how to do it.

It's a piece of cake, Mary.

A piece of cake.

- Watch!

- It's a piece of cake.

(Mary)

Nancy thought me a few things

about politics that day.

Not only did she

get me on the ballet..

...she got her name and number

in every little black book

in Sacramento.

- Piece of cake.

- Piece of cake.

Piece of cake.

Want a piece of my cake?

No thanks, kid.

Think I'll just have

a straight shot.

No chaser.

You don't look so happy.

I'm not.

This whole campaign

is turning into a mess

and it's all my fault.

What did you do?

I wish I knew.

Maybe..

- Hey, where you going?

- Back to school.

- On purpose?

- 'Yup.'

[whispers]

On purpose.

(Mary)

Well, the returns came in

and we all know

I lost the election.

But I won a good friend.

You.

They all worked so hard

and landed up with nothing.

Oh, now don't let them

get you depressed.

Depress me? I'm not depressed.

Abby, I-I feel guilty.

They're upset because I lost

and...I couldn't be happier.

Maybe this will help you out,

I have a confession to make.

I didn't vote for you.

I have a confession to make..

...I didn't vote for me either.

[laughs]

Hi.

Hi.

Hmm.

I was almost to the point

of actually dreaming.

Hmm.

Sounds like me.

Except with me, I never gets

beyond the point of dreaming.

Maybe I have slipped

into a coma or something

but I don't know

what you're talking about.

The perfect girl.

You know,

the woman of my dreams.

Except somehow, someway all

my dreams turn into nightmares.

[dramatic music]

(David)

One of my recent

nightmares was Noreen.

She turned out to be

a big holiday headache.

I don't know when we'll be

able to sleep on this couch.

It's awfully lumpy.

Yeah, it's a real back breaker.

Hey, listen,

you're invited to join me.

David, it's Christmas eve.

Oh, no.

Correction, it's Christmas day.

Well, just doesn't seem right.

After all it is

a sacred holiday.

It's celebrated all over

the world and recognition.

Noreen..

You could just say

you have a headache.

I thought things

couldn't get worse..

...'till good old Fred

showed up.

I don't like blind dates.

Don't think of her

as a blind date.

I mean, think of her

as a date you haven't seen yet.

I don't see the difference.

The difference is

that this gorgeous girl

will not go out with me

unless I find a date

for her friend.

- Hi.

- The answer's still no.

Listen, listen. You see this?

This is my hand over my heart.

Now I give you my solemn word,

I'm not gonna stop

bothering you till you give in.

And I give you my solemn word

that I won't give in.

Alright, listen.

Can you be bought?

Alright, alright.

Yes, Fred. Yes, you win.

Yes, I crack.

You, you were acting crazy.

I mean, this girl is a prize.

Come on.

Just relax.

Look, hey, there they are.

- 'Huh?'

- 'Yo-yours is the one on left.'

- Did you say on the left?

- On the left. Yes.

Mine is on the right.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Uh, this is David.

And this is Mary.

Hi.

Hi.

Look at this. They can't

take their eyes off each other.

Who says blind dates

don't work out, huh?

You can thank me later.

(David)

I didn't thank him.

But I did try something new.

You sure

this laundromat routine works?

Hey, it never fails.

You see, there is something

about a woman

that can't help responding

to a helpless man

trying to cope

with the domestic chore.

- This I gotta see.

- Shh. Not so loud.

Oh, we do have a dollar

on this, right?

And what if we strike paydirt?

Well, then, uh, know you and

the laundry take the bus home.

This is merely

for future reference.

(David)

'Oh, what temperature

do we use?'

(Tommy)

'Beats me'

(David)

'Alright, guess we just, uh'

'throw everything

together, right?'

Uh, no. I think we're

supposed to separate this stuff.

Oh, yeah, uh, yeah, but,

uh, what goes where?

Yeah, well, thanks, ma'am.

Yeah, we got it all

down packed. Thanks.

Yeah, well,

that was just terrific.

Yeah, alright, wiseguy,

so we blew it.

At least we learnt

something, right?

Oh, yeah. First you put

the delicate stuff over there.

And no starch.

After that it was quite a few

weeks and quite a bit of dirty

clothing before I could

even walk by a laundry mat.

[chuckles]

I don't blame you.

I think the thing that

hurt the most though was that

I set a lousy example for Tommy.

What?

Well, I think he was

really looking forward

to a surefire way

to pick up a girl.

[laughs]

Don't make me laugh.

- How are we doing?

- I'm fine.

Fine.

Yeah, I think I'll, uh,

take a walk, okay?

- Bye, David.

- Bye.

Thank you.

Hi.

You know, Tom Bradford

you have a nice selection

of children.

Hand picked.

- Just like their stepmother.

- Hmm.

'You know sometimes

I'm surprised'

that it ever happened.

We ever happened.

Come on, Tommy.

Get your act together.

(Tom)

Most people meet

over dinner and drinks.

We met over a broken leg.

Oh!

Hello, Mrs. Abbott, I'm Tom

Bradford, Tommy's father.

- How do you do?

- How do you do?

Let's go someplace fun, you know

like, like the Marimba Lounge.

Oh, come on, Abby,

don't start that.

I can't stand that place.

It gives me a migraine.

And all those noisy people

with a La Cucarachas.

Now, come on. Give me a break.

Tom, we always go

where you wanna go.

Just once, just once,

I'd like to go where I wanna go.

Alright, Abby,

I don't wanna argue with you.

We'll go where you wanna go,

give me the keys to your car--

Oh, no, no,

you're not driving my car again

until you have at least

one more lesson.

I am not gonna

be chauffeured around

like Nicholas

to a birthday party.

- Now give me the keys.

- No, Tom!

You're not driving my car.

- Abby!

- Tom!

- Abby.

- Tom.

- Yes.

- Ah-ha-ha..

You realized what we're doing?

Yes! And I love it.

[chuckles]

Look, Tom, uh..

...your life is, uh,

well, i-it's like a pie

that's cut into

eight pieces, and..

Well, you're stuck right

in the middle and, um..

Well, see, I've, um..

...I've thought a lot

about this and, um..

I don't think there's

a slice of you left for me.

Oh, come one now,

there's enough left

of me to go around.

At least five extra pounds.

Tom, I'm serious.

I think we should stop

seeing each other for a while.

(Tom)

A while wasn't

a very long while.

Mm.

I love you.

- I've missed you.

- I've missed you.

I love you.

Love you.

I wanna marry you.

I wanna marry you.

Hah!

[laughing]

Why do you laugh?

Well?

What do you mean, "Well?"

We did tell you that we wanted

a simple wedding, right?

Yeah, but we were gonna

have a ten piece orchestra.

A ten piece orchestra?

Dad, they play

different instruments.

I gave Keith a deposit.

You lost your money.

Oh, Tom!

You can't do that to them.

Dad, you can't do that.

- It's all I had.

- That's not my problem.

- But they meant well.

- They should've asked.

- But they didn't, so we--

- They're my kids!

- 'Dad!'

- 'Dad, the only person..'

[indistinct chattering]

- There won't be any wedding.

- 'What?'

There won't be any wedding.

We'll elope.

Maybe we should just

call it off altogether.

(Tom)

I'm glad we didn't call it off.

With this ring...I thee wed.

With this ring...I thee wed.

I now pronounced you..

...husband and wife.

[instrumental music]

[cheering]

Who would've ever thought

that we would get together.

- Not me.

- Me either.

But we did.

Seems to be working, doesn't it?

I wasn't sure it was working

until Christmas.

That was the first time I knew

for certain we were a family.

Because it took every

single one of us

to turn Tommy's sadness around.

Tommy, wait.

This is for you.

Well, how come Santa

didn't steal it?

It was hidden away...

in the kitchen.

That's clever.

Tommy, please take it.

[instrumental music]

Be at the club.

It's from mom.

Open it.

[music continues]

[music continues]

It's a book.

"E. E. Cummings."

He was mom's favorite.

[music continues]

"My dearest Tommy..

"...it is not unmanly

to be sensitive.

"Be happy that you are.

"It makes you even

more than a man.

"It makes you a human being.

"Merry Christmas.

I love you."

[sobbing]

[music continues]

[sobbing continues]

[music continues]

Hmm.

It was the best Christmas

of my entire life.

[giggles]

[music continues]

[music continues]

Oh..

It's a beautiful day, isn't it?

[giggles]

Still around, huh?

Well, what do you think?

Pretty nutsy family.

I don't know how we

got into all that stuff.

More?

Okay, listen,

I'm supposed to talk some more.

Hmm.. Oh, yeah!

There was this time

when me and Melody

got into a big hassle, see.

Because he was trying

to push me around.

So, I decided I was gonna take

some of that army stuff, like

RG Murphy and all that stuff.

So, Barry brought home this

army fellow, you know, see.

(male #)

'Cut!'

Yeah, but they didn't hear

what happened, see, so..

I was asking how I should punch

Melody's lights out, you know.

- And--

- 'That's fine, Nicholas.'

'Thank you.'

Yeah, but it's a great story.

So, I was asking him

how to punch out

his lights, you know.

(male #)

'Sorry, we're out of time.'

'Yeah, we-we've got

really muddled up.'

[theme music]

[music continues]