03x05 - iFaked It

[bunniefuu]

So I told the haberdasher,
"You are not going to pawn off

last season's grosgrain on me."

And guess what I did next.

Oh, I bet you said something
a little bit cutting.

I did. I did indeed.

I told him where he could shove

his heinous autumnal pumpkin ribbon.

Where the sun don't shine.

In the butt, right? (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

Oh, Carly, I so enjoy our little chats.

- Aw, thanks. Me too.
- Aw, thanks. Me too.

(ALL SCREAM)

How could you...

G G! Bye, brother!

♪ I know ♪

♪ You see ♪

♪ Somehow the world will change for me ♪

♪ And be so wonderful ♪

♪ So wake up the members of my nation ♪

♪ It's your time to be ♪

♪ There's no chance
unless you take one ♪

♪ And the time to see
the brighter side ♪

♪ Of every situation ♪

♪ Some things are meant to be ♪

♪ So give your best and
leave the rest to me. ♪

Who am I? Where am I?

What am I?

Carly. Apartment.

Girl.

Nailed it.

Ho-ho, babe!

I got your texts asking
me to explain technology.

I am so flattered, I dropped everything.

Millicent can take the bus.

God, it's hot when you
ignore your priorities for me.

I took the bus.

It was faster, better
for the environment

and I didn't have to make
small talk with the driver.

Win-win!

Now, from your texts,

it sounds like Carly is
the victim of a deepfake.

Oh. The guy who turned in Nixon?

No.

Right?

A deepfake comes from
deep learning technology,

a type of A.I. that creates algorithms

to do things like swap faces

to make realistic-looking fake media.

Computers.

- Oh!
- Ah.

Millicent!

I wrote one of my signature
instructional tunes.

I know.

I kinda like those songs.

You're a regular Kidz Bop.

I just hope this doesn't mess

with your new product that
you had me stock up on.

♪ "D" is for your doppelganger
out in cyberspace... ♪

Babe, I love you, but shut up.

Wait, what new product?

This new product!

Tastes Famiglia!

The best pasta-based meat
alternative you've never tried.

I never posed for this.

But is that what I look like
when I shush people? (CHUCKLES)

Nah, it's usually more
like, "Be quiet. Ugh."

(LAUGHS): Wow.

That was spot-on.

Not.

"Carly Shay says,
'Tastes Famiglia mimics

'the sturdiness of meat with
the plush mouthfeel of pasta.'"

"Mouthfeel"? Ugh.

You disgust me.

Guys, this... (CHUCKLES)
obviously isn't me.

I use napkins.

Oh, my God.

Someone is using fake
me to sell fake meat.

This is a crime.

- Maybe we should call the cops?
- Yeah.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, you're serious?

Of course he is.

♪ When the situation's not that fun ♪

♪ Just pick up a phone, dial . ♪

Remember when someone
in my comments threatened

to "find me and wear me"?

- Yeah, but that was...
- Not done.

The cops said it didn't count

because it happened in my phone.

(SCOFFS) But surely...

Still going.

Then he texted me, "Carly Shay,

I'm coming to get you at the Bushwell."

And the police said... quote...

"This could be about anyone."

Look, I know this sucks,

but, like I always tell Millicent...

♪ When life gives you lemons... ♪

Be quiet! Ugh.

Hey, Meat-stagroupies.

I'm here at Shay What?! to try...

Tastes Famiglia,

the best pasta-based meat
alternative I've never tried.

(GAGGING)

You!

(RETCHING)

Tastes Famiglia is blowing up,

but now Shay What?!
customers are throwing up.

#iBlameCarly.

#RideTheBus.

So,

you got a little ditty for this one?

I do not.

"#iBlameCarly"?

"#RideTheBus"?

Man, Carly's going through it.

Which one's Carly?

The little girl?

No, the one that I live with.

You live with a child?

She does love a bib and a bedtime story.

I'm so glad your
bestie's finally in town.

I just hope you don't
love him more than me.

- Oh. (CHUCKLES): Harper!
- (CHUCKLES)

I'm not ready to make that decision.

- (LAUGHS) Oh!
- (DOORBELL RINGS)

Do I look all right?

Dimitri-Pascual used to
work the counter at Neiman's.

Oh, he sold clothes?

No. He just gave his
unsolicited opinions.

And charged for them.

- Hey, girl, hey!
- (GIGGLING)

DIMITRI-PASCUAL AND TINSLEY: Walk, walk,

walk, walk, walk, pose!

(LAUGHING)

Ew.

- That'll be ten dollars. (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHS)

Harper, I want you to meet my
ride-or-die, Dimitri-Pascual.

- (CHUCKLES)
- He's like Madonna.

- No. Last. Name. (LAUGHS)
- (CHUCKLING)

- Oh! Mwah. Mwah.
- Mwah. Mwah.

Mwah. Mwah.

OMG, you are serving disgusting, queen.

(CHUCKLES)

I hope you catch chlamydia from a koala.

(TINSLEY CHUCKLES)

(QUIETLY): Does this man think
I have unsafe sex with koalas?

- Absolutely not. It's a compliment.
- (CHUCKLES)

- Dimitri-Pascual loves marsupials.
- (CHUCKLES)

Zoology. Look it up, you dumb whore.

- It's a compliment!
- It's a compliment!

(LAUGHING)

Thank you for cooking.

But this looks like it was
thrown up by an old person.

Walk?

- Walk. (CHUCKLES)
- (CHUCKLES)

BOTH: Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk.

You know who else had no last name?!

Satan.

Good afternoon, Carly Nation.

I interrupt your day with terrible news.

I, Carly Shay,

am the victim of a deepfake.

I'll let that sink in.

Tastes Famiglia is not endorsed by me.

Guys,

Deepfake Carly wants to join my live!

Let her in so you can confront her.

And I can try and tell 'em apart.

Tell her I said hi.

What? She may be a fraud,
but she's still my sister.

My fraud sister.

My fister!

Hello, Deepfake Carly.

Looks like you finally
decided to show my face.

Oh, Carly, I'm the real Carly.

And I, Carly, have nothing to hide.

You're the charlatan.

God, she always uses the coolest words.

Two of them. I don't want it

and yet I can't look away.

I have cold, hard evidence

that proves I am the
one true Carly Shay.

To begin, I'll reveal something
only the real Carly would know.

My first celebrity crush
was Foghorn Leghorn.

What? No.

I never had lustful yearnings
for a shapely cartoon rooster!

Shapely?

And to prove it,

I'd like to share some
of my Fog-Leg erotica.

(CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT)

"It was a quiet night
in the henhouse when... "

Bye!

Who would do this to me?

Everybody likes me.

Except for Lewbert.

And Ms. Briggs, Wade Collins, Griffin...

Kyoko and Yuki, all the Pet-ographers...

Wes, Beau, me.

Should I just go get my binder?

Okay, fine.

I guess a few people
have minor qualms with me.

But...

who would go to all this trouble?

I mean, it's so elaborate.

It's so evil. It's so...

- Nevel Papperman!
- Mayor Pete Buttigieg!

Nevel Papperman.

I can't believe Nevel invited us

to an evil lair with no street parking.

Why is there so much cured meat?

Because he's a thoughtful host?

Well, well, well.

Carly Shay et al.

Allow me to explain.

(IMITATES VITO CORLEONE): There
have been two great loves of my life:

my beloved wife Prunella

and The Godfather,

a film...

I have never seen.

(NORMAL VOICE): Such a fun vibe though.

Start with the third one.

The first two are garbage.

(SQUEALS) Carly Shay!

Hi!

Oh, my God!

I haven't seen you since
you were my bridesmaid.

Isn't that crazy?

I miss you so much!

How have you been, Mama?

Not great, Prunella.

Nevel, you need to stop this.

People are getting sick.

More importantly, my
restaurant got shut down!

For two hours!

Is this all because
I ruined your wedding?

Ruined?

I thought our wedding was great.

I seem to remember one very
handsome blond bombshell

who proved to be quite
agile at the limbo.

It's in the hips.

But you failed to give us a
gift within one year's time.

And, per Emily Post, you are punished.

Wait. Let me get this straight.

So you manufactured
a toxic vegan product,

plastered my face all over it

and then deepfaked me to
get my brother to sell it,

all because you had to buy
your own freakin' KitchenAid?

Ooh! What color did you guys get?

- Oh. Rose gold.
- That is so classy.

- Did you get the pasta attachments?
- Oh, my God, did you make

- this sausage with the meat grinder?
- Guys!

Look, this is ridiculous.

But I'll get you something if
it means you'll leave me alone.

Something? Carly, you
can't go off-registry.

Society has rules.

Fine. What's left?

Oh, my God.

A "Mess with Carly" fund?

Some couples do honey
funds, but we honeymooned

at Grandpappa Papperman's
palatial Polynesian palapa.

So we launched a "Mess
with Carly" fund instead.

- (CHUCKLES)
- (CHUCKLES) You see, when this all began,

it was my love's elaborate
scheme to exact revenge.

But then we realized we were having

the best sex of our lives,

and now it's just our thing.

Did anyone get you guys a melon baller?

What I wouldn't give to wrap this

around a fresh hunk of
cantaloupe right now.

We used the Carly fund to buy the
rancid pork in Tastes Famiglia.

Great price, too.

They were practically throwing it away.

(LAUGHS)

Did you say "rancid pork?"

- Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh.

Enough of this.

There is nothing you
can do to get us to stop.

Nothing! (CACKLES)

(LAUGHS, GROWLS)

Pruney, your evil laugh
is getting so sinister.

Oh. I learned from the best.

If there's nothing I can do to stop you,

then why did you make us
come all the way down here?

'Cause seeing you squirm
is really doing it for us.

(LAUGHS)

(BOTH CACKLING)

Spencer, why are you laughing?

I'm very uncomfortable!

So, during orientation of freshman year,

I threw an epic rager in her room,

and when the campus cops came,

I told them that the
alcohol was Tinsley's,

and this delinquent
slut got put in front

of the disciplinary committee.

(LAUGHS)

And you thought,

"This is a person I
want to be friends with."

No, no, no, it was funny.

Daddy got LMFAO to speak at graduation,

and it all went away.

Well, if you had done that to me,

you'd have graduated to the cemetery.

I'm gonna go grab another drink.

But you still have so much left.

Mm. Not anymore.

I'll keep you company.

If I said I was going to pee instead,

- would that stop you?
- Nope.

So, Dimitri-Pascual.

- Mm-hmm.
- Two first names.

Got to be a story there.

Mmm, the story is: I'm gonna k*ll you.

The end.

Feels a little light in the middle.

You're kidding, right?

I'm not.

You see, when Tinsley's single,

she spoils me rotten like the
little princeling that I am.

I'm like her child and her
boyfriend all rolled into one.

Well, I'm her girlfriend,

and our dynamic is normal,

so you and I need to coexist.

Oh, I don't coexist with anyone.

Just ask Cherry Jones.

Spencer's cool revenge idea number :

I marry Nevel's mother and
put him up for adoption.

No need to get family courts involved.

They're busy enough.

Spencer's cool revenge idea number :

We fill Nevel's car with
Livestrong bracelets.

How many Livestrong
bracelets did you buy?

I thought I was helping.

Look, Nevel and Prunella are just

trying to get a rise out of me,

so I'm ignoring them

and letting the chips
fall where they may.

Fall, chips, fall.

Ooh, Carly. You got to see this live.

Looking for a cure to
solve all your ailments?

Then I, Freddie Benson,
have the answer for you.

Tastes Famiglia.

Endorsed by me, Freddie Benson.

Thank God I never took his last name.

If you lack bladder
control... and I know I do...

bang! Tastes Famiglia.

And if you have head-to-toe dry skin...

- And there goes his shirt.
- I know I do.

Wow, he is surprisingly jacked.

♪ D is for your doppelganger
out in cyberspace ♪

♪ "E" is for... ♪ Ew, that's me!

Oh yeah, baby,

that's nice.

Okay, obviously that is also a deepfake.

But I do love what
they did with my torso.

Aah!

Game over, bitch.

Oh, I'm sorry, Millicent.

That wasn't to you.

First they came for me,

I was fine.

Then they came for my brother.

- Also fine.
- Wha...

But now they come for my man?

My sweet, defenseless little man?

I'm a yellow belt.

Hear my battle cry!

(SHRIEKS)

Here's the plan.

We'll surround them at the warehouse.

Spencer, at this point,

you'll already have
wrangled all the schnauzers.

Where did you get this egg?

It's very important that I know.

Once we get them out of the warehouse,

Harper, you'll need to blindfold
and handcuff them immediately.

Got it. The only handcuffs
I have are pink and fuzzy.

Will that work?

Can people get out of them?

Only if they use their safe word.

Perfect. Freddie,

you'll knock 'em out with chlorophyll.

I think you mean chloroform.

I mean, what?

Do we know anyone
with a really big trunk

and access to a landfill?

Okay, honey, I'm gonna
stop you right there.

Oh, please, Freddie, we could never fit

a whole body into your Yaris.

It barely gets off the
ground with groceries.

While I love this aggro energy,

we do not need to do an actual m*rder.

Okay? We just...

we just need to get into their heads.

And I think I know how.

- With a drill?
- Yes!

(CHEERING)

Okay,

everyone needs to take off the camo.

(GROANING)

Sorry I didn't exactly hit
it off with Dimitri-Pascual.

But it's nice to have
some alone time again.

Why are you setting a third plate?

I'm not.

- I didn't.
- (DOORBELL RINGS)

I did.

Hey, hags.

Tinsley told me you got a
little bit in your feels,

so I made you a "sorry you have
no sense of humor" casserole.

I'm kidding.

I'm laughing.

I'm so glad you're
both open to try again.

It means a lot to me.

Oh, I would do anything for
you, my putrid little hellhound.

Why don't you make like
the kitchen wench you are

and grab us some sporks?

(LAUGHS)

It's so sweet of you to
spend your last night in town

at my humble abode.

Humble is the perfect word for it.

Oh!

(LAUGHS)

Ooh, "cheese-ay."

I thought you were vegan?

Or is that just one of your phases,

like coffee enemas or clowning?

It is vegan, but you
won't even be able to tell

because it has the sturdiness of meat.

Sturdiness?

And the plush mouthfeel of pasta.

Mouthfeel?

Does it also cure a variety of ailments?

Well, why don't you
take a bite and find out?

Well, in my culture,

the chef always takes the first bite.

Well, in my nearby, adjacent culture,

the chef watches in delight

as the host takes the first bite

and swallows it.

Since it's my home...

I'm starving, so if you don't mind,

I'm just gonna dive right in.

(DISTORTED): No!

(DISTORTED): No!

You can't eat that, Tinsley.

It's Tastes Famiglia,

so it's disgusting.

Not in a good way.

And it might m*rder you.

- Also not in a good way.
- (TINSLEY GASPS)

Is this true?

Are you trying to poison me?

Tins, I would never.

I was trying to poison her.

Oh!

(EXCLAIMS)

I'm gonna say something to you

I should have said a long time ago.

You're not funny and I want
you out of my life, Andrew.

(GASPS)

But-but-but,

without me, you're
just another rich bitch.

- Oh.
- I am the Leah Remini to your J.Lo.

I am the LeFou to your Gaston.

Well, she's a rich bitch in love.

Rejection. Look it up, you dumb whore.

Oh, Harper.

I should have trusted
you about Dimitri-Pascual.

I am gonna miss him, though.

Who's gonna call me a
ghastly little troll now?

I will.

Because I'm your girlfriend.

And our dynamic is normal.

(GASPS)

- What is it?
- I think I owe Cherry Jones a huge apology.

We are the masterminds
behind Tastes Famiglia.

I rue the day I ever
ruined Carly's credibility.

Hey, that's my line.

Oh, my God, but it's so fun to say.

"Rue." Yeah, it is. (CHUCKLES)

In our defense, messing with Carly et al

really spiced up our sex life.

Which we needed.

I mean, I really just
lie there like a starfish.

You'd think two evil geniuses

would be dynamos in the sack.

But you would be wrong.

In conclusion,

we're bad at sex,

and we're very sorry.

And cut.

And gross.

That is a wrap on iCarly's
first deepfake operation.

And our last, God willing.

I'd actually love another take

now that I've had a run at it.

And now we wait.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Ooh, that was quick.

Nevel says they'll stop if we stop.

(LAUGHS)

And also, he's very virile.

- (PHONE CHIMES)
- Like a cobra.

- (PHONE CHIMES)
- A cobra with a sex addiction.

- (GROANS)
- (PHONE CHIMES)

But only for his wife.

Aw. Good for them.

Pruney, no. I can change.

Or stay the same. Whatever you want.

I haven't really been listening.

Messing with Carly was all we had.

Now that that's over,

so are we.

And I'm taking the KitchenAid.

With the pasta attachment?

How will I extrude?

I mean, don't go. I love you.

Ugh!

(GASPS)

"Here's a wedding gift
to keep things spicy.

Do not contact me.

Carly Shay."

What do you say...

should we give it another sh*t?

Let's get the limbo stick, baby.

Ooh!