03x01 - Who's Crazy Here?

[bunniefuu]

David, I need some advice.

Okay, what's your problem?

Well, it's not exactly

my problem to say.

My friend's problem.

Mm-hmm, go ahead.

Well, see, my friend borrowed

his big brother's basketball.

- Without asking?

- Yeah.

And it kinda got flattened

by a big truck.

Hmm, I think I see your problem.

David, well, should my friend

tell his big brother now

and get hit on or wait

till his brother finds out

and then get hit on?

Could your friend buy his

brother a new basketball?

Well, I don't think

my friend would wanna spend

the rest of his life in debt.

Yeah. Hmm.

My feeling is

that honesty is always best

no matter how much it hurts.

Besides, if your friend

tells his brother the truth

maybe his brother

won't hit on him.

Well, what should he say?

Ah, something like..

I was dribbling your basketball

and it got away from me.

It bounced into the street

and got run over by a big truck

and I'm really sorry.

- How's that?

- Sounds okay.

Anything else?

David, I was dribbling

your new fishing pole

and it kinda got away from me.

Hey, Nicholas!

[theme music]

♪ There's a magic

in the early morning ♪

♪ We've found ♪

♪ When the sunrise

smiles on everything ♪

♪ Around ♪

♪ It's a portrait

of the happiness ♪

♪ That we feel and always will ♪

♪ For eight is enough

to fill our lives ♪

♪ with love ♪

♪ Though we spend our days

like bright and shiny ♪

♪ New dimes ♪

♪ If we're ever puzzled

by the changing times ♪

♪ There's a plate

of homemade wishes ♪

♪ On the kitchen window sill ♪

♪ And eight is enough ♪

♪ To fill our lives with love ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Abby, are you asleep?

Not anymore.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I can't sleep.

I was thinkin' maybe--

No, Tom, not anymore

: a.m.

scrabble games, please.

Oh, yeah. Alright.

Don't worry about it.

Okay.

You know, this is being

going on for a week now.

I haven't gotten a good night

sleep since you got insomnia.

Could you please

I repeat, please see Max

tomorrow?

If I see Max tomorrow, that's

not gonna help me sleep tonight.

[sighs]

Abby, if you don't like scrabble

how 'bout gin rummy?

Hmm?

What do you say,

gin rummy?

It's fun.

[instrumental music]

(Tom)

'Alright, what's the verdict?'

(Dr. Maxwell)

'Thirty or forty more years.'

With more time on

for good behavior.

Come on, Greg.

Tom, there's nothing

physically wrong with you.

I know that.

But you do seem a bit edgy.

Of course, I'm edgy.

Why do you think I'm here?

I haven't slept in a week.

Now, come on, please,

just give me a prescription

for some sleeping pills

and I can get out of here.

Are you writing

prescriptions now?

Alright, alright, I'm sorry.

What do you recommend for me

to do and I'll do it.

I think maybe you better

sit down for this.

Oh, come on, now.

Don't start getting

melodramatic, Dr. Welby.

Okay, I'll give it

to you straight.

I think you should

see a psychologist.

That's not funny, Greg.

It's wasn't meant to be.

You think that I should go

to a psychologist

for insomnia?

This insomnia is just

a warning signal.

You see, when you worry too much

it puts just as much strain

on the body as any illness.

But I'm not worried

about anything.

I mean, there hasn't been

a major crisis

in the Bradford house

since last week.

But you've been worrying

a lot over the past few months.

And you've kept it all

bottled up inside.

And that's why I want you

to see a psychologist.

And, as the kids used to say,

"Let it all hang out."

No, no. I don't wanna go

and see a psychologist.

I-I don't like the idea.

They can tell what you're

thinking.

It's embarrassing. Uh-uh.

Besides, what am I gonna

tell Abby and the kids?

You have to wait,

I'll be right back.

I'm going outside to have

my little nervous breakdown.

I'll be right back. Don't..

Oh, come on.

(Dr. Maxwell)

'That was being melodramatic.'

All I suggested

was a few visits.

'I'm gonna give you a referral.'

I know just the person

you should see.

Is this Dr. Koenig any good

or have you gone

into fee splitting?

Now, do you remember

when I was getting

the, uh, hiccups during our

Friday night poker games?

Sure, how can I forget.

I'll see you, eh,

and I'll raise you, eh-eh..

I went to see Dr. Koenig.

You went to see

a psychologist for the hiccups?

Worked like a charm.

It turned out

it was all psychosomatic.

'Now does that make you

feel any better?'

I don't know.

I'll think about it, alright?

But listen, in the mean time

don't say anything

to Abby and the kids.

I'll tell them in my own way,

if I decide to go.

In other words,

you're going to go

but you're not gonna tell them.

Precisely.

Hey, what happened?

Uh, local Hank Aaron

hit a home run.

You want a quick lesson

in home repair?

Uh, no, thanks,

I haven't got time. Got a date.

Two girlfriends?

Yeah, Gretchen and Sherry,

both totally excellent.

Yeah, Gretchen looks

very spiritual.

She's got the most stag spirit

I've ever seen.

To what do you attribute

your newfound magnetism?

Maturity.

You see I've learned

to be interested in

whatever the girl is

interested in.

That way I can date 'em all.

Uh, sort of,

all things to all girls, right?

Well, it's a general idea.

Diversity.

So you gotta keep your options

open and your assets liquid.

- Tommy.

- Huh?

Don't say I didn't warn you.

[instrumental music]

You still haven't told me

what Max said.

- Oh, haven't I?

- No.

Not unless

my mind's slipping.

'So what'd he say?'

Oh, uh, he said

it's, uh, not to worry.

It's nerves and it's nothing.

It-it-it'll go away.

Didn't he prescribe anything?

O-oh, yes. Damn, exercise.

He likes that.

Oh, he wants me to, uh,

go jogging, racquetball.

All those kind of things,

anything physical, you know.

Which is, uh, it's not

gonna be very pleasant.

But I have my own remedy.

'I exercise.'

Two chapters of this book

will put anybody to sleep.

Oh, see. It's working, already.

[grunts]

Well, it's gonna be great to get

a good night sleep

for a change.

- Ah, goodnight.

- Goodnight.

[instrumental music]

Oh, no.

Looks like I have

to take a double dose.

- Mr. Bradford.

- Me? Huh?

That's right, I am Bradford.

How did you know?

You have an appointment,

remember?

Oh, sure. Of course.

Have a seat.

Dr. Koenig's with a client.

They're almost through.

Thank you.

Buh-bye.

Okay, Mr. Bradford, you're up.

Hi.

- I'm Joyce Koenig.

- Oh, yes, Tom Bradford.

You look surprised.

Oh, really?

Well, I didn't expect a woman.

Oh, does it make a difference?

No, no, not at all.

Of course, not.

Good. Now is the time

to find out.

Um, shall we sit down?

- Oh, no couch, huh.

- No, no couch.

Well, this is nice.

Uh, you know, uh, Dr. Koenig

there's, there's one thing

I wanted to say.

Please. Please, why don't you

just call me Joyce

and I'll call you Tom, okay?

Oh, alright, fine.

Uh, Joyce, you see, um..

Let me explain. Uh..

T-this whole thing was

uh, uh, Greg Maxwell's idea.

Uh, he-he, um..

Well, p-personally, I think

it's a waste of time.

'D-d-don't get me wrong.'

'I-I mean, I-I know that you're

a wonderful psychologist.'

It's just that, um..

W-well, I don't know

how to put this.

Uh, you see the only reason

that I'm here

is that I couldn't

get to sleep at night.

'U-uh, and n-now

when you consider'

'the awful times

that I've gone through'

when I could sleep just fine.

Well, it doesn't make sense.

Uh, b-being t-the father

of eight children

i-is no picnic.

I mean the things

that have happened to me

I'm, I don't know..

Do you know

there was one time when

when my eight children

got arrested.

All of them, together.

Imagine that, well..

My daughter, Joannie,

she's the actress in the family.

Uh, she did a nude scene

in a play.

Oh. I tell you,

I didn't know what to do.

Then, then,

then my oldest daughter, Mary.

She's very nice girl

but she-she had this boyfriend

and she moved in with him.

That was,

that was very tough one.

My youngest, Nicholas

he-he ran away from home.

Of course, the-t-the worst thing

that ever happened to me

was when my first wife d*ed.

But I-I met this woman.

Wonderful woman.

Y-you'd like her very much,

and, and I remarried.

'And it's-it's just wonderful.'

B-but what I'm trying

to get out

is that I mean, if-if

I could through all that

without a psychologist

w-well then why-why do

I need one now?

Oh, just let me make sure,

I understand this.

You have eight, shall we say

rather adventuresome children.

Um, your first wife d*ed,

you recently remarried

and you're having

trouble sleeping?

Frankly, Tom, I-I'm,

I'm surprised

you've lasted this long.

[chuckles]

Really?

Are you kiddin'? Hey, primo.

He's been talkin' to Sherry

for the last half hour.

Hey, hey, hey, lover boy

there are other people

in this family

with a social life, you know.

Yeah, but not for long

at this rate.

Oh, tomorrow night?

Yeah, that'll be dyno.

I'll pick you up at about :.

Okay, bye-bye.

Oh, you.

Oh, hi, Gretchen?

Yeah, it's me.

Yeah, I just wanted

to tell you that

that new wheatgerm

is really mellow.

Yeah, and I finally

made it into a full lotus.

Ouch! Did you hear that,

health fruit yoga?

Me thinks I'm not

the only actor in the house.

Tomorrow night? Ah, can we make

it for another night?

Oh, you can't, huh?

O-okay,

I can make it tomorrow night.

But it'll be late,

about : .

W-why? Well, I'm gonna bake

some granola bars.

Yeah. Yeah, good karma

to you too. Buh-bye.

Oh. Tsch! Good karma to you.

You really think that

karma stuff's contagious?

Don't know. Mm.

Hi, dad.

Is there something wrong?

It's good. I was beginning

to get a little worried.

[dramatic music]

Yeah, so Dr. Max is referring

dad to another doctor.

David, it is not

just another doctor.

It's a cardiologist.

Dr. Koenig's on the faculty

of my medical school.

Oh, you sure

he's the same one?

(Mary)

'Yes, I'm sure.'

I checked the AMA register

and there's only one

Dr. J. Koenig in Sacramento.

Oh.

'David, he specializes

in serious cases.'

Look, if dad's seeing him,

it means only one thing.

Dad's got heart trouble.

David, I still think

we ought to tell dad.

- No.

- Look, David, I--

Mary, if dad wants

to talk about it, he will.

I mean, it's obvious he doesn't

want the family to know yet.

Besides, if he thinks we're

worried about his condition

it might put extra

strain on his heart.

Okay, I guess you're right,

but I-I feel helpless.

Have you said anything to Abby?

No, um, I just assumed

that she already knew.

I came to you first.

Well, I think we better keep

this to ourselves for now, okay?

Okay.

- Bye.

- Bye.

[instrumental music]

[phone ringing]

Hello, Mr. Bradford's office.

- 'Hello, Donna.'

- Oh, hi, Abby.

- How you doin'?

- How you doin'?

Is the giant of journalism in?

Oh, no, he just slipped out.

Uh, no destination, no ETA,

no signs of struggle.

Of course, you know,

when I go to the water cooler

he demands a note from home,

but..

Yeah, well, if you decide

to strike for

better working conditions,

you can count me in

for your support, okay?

Uh, thanks, Abby

but it takes time

to train a boss.

Besides, you know what,

I-I think he's on

the verge of male menopause.

Oh, would you like the man

in mystery to call you back?

No, that's okay, I-I'll, I'll

catch him at dinner later on.

Take care.

- Hi, everybody, I'm home.

- Hi, dad.

- How you doin'?

- Huh.

What's the matter?

I'm starved.

Mm, some headline news

"Man starved to death

in his own kitchen."

- Okay, go ahead.

- Ah, thanks a lot.

You're welcome.

By the way,

where were you at lunch today?

Where was I at lunch? I was

where I usually am at lunch.

I was having lunch.

Well, I called about :

and Donna didn't

know where you were.

Oh. Yeah, right, right.

Actually,

I-I wasn't in the office

but, uh, I was in the building.

Uh, what happened was

the editor called

and he wanted me to come down

and meet this Mr. Sherman

who's the editor's

wife's second cousin.

So, he's..

Hi, Nicholas.

He's doing this article

on columnists

so, naturally,

he wanted to meet me.

Nicholas, I said hello.

Nicholas, are we playing

a game I don't know about?

Whatever the name of

the game is, you win.

Nicholas.

Were was I?

You were last seen touring

the executive's suites.

Oh, yeah, right. Well, anyway,

that's what I was doing.

I was, um, up at the

executives', a-at their suites.

- It works, it works.

- What works?

Well, you know my friend,

Kenny P. Landers

he said the best way

to control parents

is to stare them down.

And I did it on dad,

and it worked.

Boy, that Kenny P. Landers

is some kinda guy.

Hey, how come you got

clothes in your guitar case?

Running away from home

or something?

Nope,

got a doubleheader tonight.

- Baseball?

- No, girls.

Two of 'em, back to back.

Boy, do you got problems?

So I couldn't very well say no

to the editor's wife's

second cousin, could I?

So I just dropped everything

and I took

Mr. Sherwood on a complete tour

of the newspaper.

But I thought

his name was Sherman.

Oh, oh, right, right.

I'm glad that you remember that.

W-what I keep getting confused

with the editor's wife's brother

uh, was a friend of mine,

Harry Sherwood.

He was an interesting character.

He and I--

And I thought

she was an only child.

Oh, well,

that's true but her uncle--

Hi, everybody.

- Dad, hi. How are you?

- Oh, hi. Yes.

Uh, bad as well

as could be expected.

Dad, can I use the car tonight?

Uh, wait, I have the

station wagon, remember?

Yeah, well, it's carpool time

'cause Susan and Elizabeth

have some place to go too.

Where are you all taking off to?

- I'm going to movie.

- And I've got a date.

- And I'm going to class.

- I think I'll be alone.

- No, you won't.

- I'm not going out.

Hey, Mary, you said

you had a date tonight.

No, no, not tonight.

I'm gonna stay with dad.

- Great!

- Dad, dad, no.

Take it easy, please, please.

Why don't you just

sit right down over here.

- Oh, really?

- Okay, and I'll make you salad.

What is this, the Bradford home

for the enfeebled?

Oh, sorry guys,

but no dinner for me.

I'm gonna catch

a double feature.

- Hi, dad.

- Hi, son.

Listen, we're gonna eat

in two minutes.

Why don't you wait and then

go to the double feature?

Oh, I'd like to, dad,

but you know

I hate to come in

in the middle.

Especially,

when it's double-billed.

[indistinct chatter]

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Hey, hey, hey.

Alright, now, I-I'd really loved

to hang around and talk with you

but, um, I gotta split.

You better split

before his pants do.

So you're gonna finish

the story or what?

Oh, no, no, no, we better eat

because that salad

is beginning to wilt.

Yes. Well,

and so is your story.

Uh-huh.

Okay, Mary, it's been buggin'

me all night. What's up?

- What do you mean?

- Come on.

Something's going on,

I can feel it.

Come on, what's going

on with you and dad?

- I saw you hugging him.

- Shh.

- You give him a seat.

- Shh.

You stayed home

from a date for him.

Come on, you buttering him up

for somebody.

I mean, what is it, huh?

It's a car, it's clothes?

I bet it's money.

W-wouldn't you believe,

none of the above.

Come on.

Are you sure you have to go

to band practice?

My folks won't be home

for a couple of hours.

Ah, Sherry, you don't know

how I could get into that

but, no, I-I really have to

go to band practice.

The guys are countin' on me.

- Goodnight.

- Night.

[instrumental music]

You know you're gonna

tell me sometime.

- Joannie, please, not now.

- Okay, sister.

Now is your time to sing.

Otherwise,

it's third-degree..

Joannie, put that down.

Alright, sit down.

Alright.

Well, hi, Tommy. Come on in.

I'm sorry, I'm late.

I was throwing the I Ching.

That's some great instincts

you got there.

You hungry? I've got

some fresh soybean curd.

Hmm, fresh soybean curd.

- Yum.

- Come on.

Dad has heart trouble?

I don't believe it.

D-don't you think

there's some mistake, I mean..

Joannie, I wish there was.

Please, it's our secret, okay?

Oh, this insomnia is ridiculous.

Gosh, now I'm talking to myself.

Now I'm answering myself.

- Dad, what's wrong with you?

- Are you okay?

You, you look a little flushed.

No, no, I'm not flushed.

I'm just thirsty.

You two can congregate up here

in the hall if you want to.

I'm going down to the kitchen

to make myself a hot chocolate.

- Okay, good, we'll go with you.

- Yes.

No, no, no,

you will not go with me.

I am perfectly capable of

making my own hot chocolate.

I'm, I'm totally, utterly,

completely alright.

You understand?

Hi.

I think.

Something is definitely

wrong with my family.

Last night, Tommy went out on

a date in this outrageous getup.

And he came home in another one.

I tell you, Joyce,

I think he's...

I think he's going skitzo.

'And Mary, she passed up a date'

'to stay home

and keep me company.'

And yet, all evening

I had the strangest feeling

that she was

spying on me.

And Nicholas. Oh, he is

absolutely catatonic.

Is all he does, all day long

and all night is stare at me.

He doesn't say a word.

You know, Tom, sometimes,

when we're in distress

we tend to project

or to put our own feelings

onto those around us.

Oh. Well, then that means

that I'm paranoid, skitzo

and catatonic, all at once.

I hate to tell you

but that's impossible.

Not in my house.

Listen, maybe we ought

to see each other twice a week.

How about, uh, Thursday?

[phone rings]

Tom Bradford's office.

No, he's not in right now.

Can I take a message?

Okay, tell Tom, you can't

see him on Thursday.

Call to make other...

arrangements.

Joyce.

Yeah, i-is there,

is there anything else, Joyce?

Okay, you're welcome.

- Joyce.

- Hi.

Hi.

Who does Tom know named Joyce?

Joyce? Nobody I know of, why?

Oh, I've just got this very..

...friendly message

from someone named Joyce.

An old girlfriend?

It's not funny.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

(Donna)

'I mean, y-you don't think

it's another woman.'

I-I mean obviously, Joyce

is the name of another woman

but y-you know, a-another woman

in the sense that..

...one might whisper,

"Another woman."

What do you think?

I don't know what to think.

But I do know one thing

if he wants his freedom, he's

going about it the right way.

I'll see you.

[phone rings]

- Hello?

- Oh, hello, this is dad.

Hello?

Hello?

Is this the Bradford house?

'Oh, it must be you,

Nicholas, of course.'

Alright, Nicholas,

this is daddy.

Yes. Tell Abby that I might

be a few minutes late.

Alright?

Nichol.. Oh.

Why me?

[instrumental music]

- Hi.

- Hi.

I could only give you

five minutes, Abby

I-I'm backed up

with appointments.

It's okay.

Now, uh, what's

the emergency about?

Well, Maxwell, you're Tom's

oldest and best friend, right?

I do seem to have

that dubious honor.

Yeah, so, I figured that..

Well, you'd understand him

better than anybody else

and maybe you could,

you could help me

figure out what's going on.

What do you mean?

What's going on?

Well, see, Max, I think, um..

...no, I know, uh..

...Tom's been,

been sneaking around

and...I think

he's seeing somebody

that he doesn't want me

to know about.

He got caught, eh?

Ahem!

Yeah, practically, red handed.

So, uh, why is it the wife

is always the last to know, huh?

Look, Abby, before you go

jumping to conclusions

let me explain something.

Now, Tom's been going through

an awful lot

and frankly, I think

this was inevitable.

Inevitable.

(Dr. Maxwell)

'Please, hear me up.'

You see..

This is very common

among men Tom's age.

As a matter of fact,

I see it all the time.

I've even done it myself.

'And believe me, Daisy's

support and understanding'

'made a big difference.'

Daisy didn't object?

Object? We talked about

doing it together.

[coughing]

'And that's something I think

you should think about too.'

Right.

Oops, sorry. My beeper.

I don't believe

what I'm hearing.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I've been

meaning to have it fixed.

Not about the beep, beeper,

about you and Daisy.

Abby, I'm surprised at you.

Times have changed.

I mean the old prejudices

are no longer valid.

Everything is much freer now.

Not that free.

Tom's going to need

your support in this.

Trust me.

Uh, I've got to go.

Max, I do, I do trust you

and, uh, um, I love Tom,

but what am I supposed to do

I mean, am I suppose

to confront him

about what I know, is that it?

That would only make

things worse.

How could things be worse?

- Ha ha ha!

- That must be Abby.

Hey, Abby,

how was lunch with dad?

I wouldn't know.

Why, I thought you

were gonna surprise him?

Yeah, but, uh,

the surprise was on me.

He wasn't there.

He obviously had something

more important to do.

Ooh! She did really

look bummed out.

Hey, I'm gonna find out

what's going on.

Oh, no, Susan, no. I don't think

it's time right now.

- Oh, why not?

- I'm not supposed to tell.

Come on!

Okay, but look,

Nancy and Elizabeth

don't know about this yet

and-and neither do

Tommy and Nicholas,

so don't let on, okay?

I wouldn't tell 'em.

Um, I think you better sit down.

Tsk.

[crickets chirping]

It was nice of you

to offer David

but I don't really mind driving.

I just thought since

we're going together anyway.

Hey, can one of you guys

open this for me?

Sure.

[sighs]

- Hey, dad, here, let me.

- Don't worry, I got it--

No. Come on. Dad.

[can clicks]

Let's eat while I could still

lift my own fork.

Well, what's happened

to the shop

Bradford repartee tonight?

Uh, how is the rehearsal coming?

Oh, fine. No problem, dad.

Uh-huh.

How is the, uh,

cadaver business?

Uh, it's, it's fine,

dad. Just fine.

Everything around here

seems to be just fine.

[Tom sighs]

Well, I have something

to talk about.

Oh! Thank God!

Well..

I saw this really interesting

documentary on TV last night

I'm trying to expand

my horizons.

Oh, good. I'm very impressed.

What was it about?

Um, it was really kind of weird.

It's how they're using

chimpanzee hearts

for human transplants.

'You know, you guys

should've seen it'

they had the actually hearts

and they looked almost the same

as a matter of fact, they showed

the actual operation live--

Ahem. Nancy, I could use

your help in the kitchen.

- I haven't finished yet, Susan.

- Please.

Okay.

It was very interesting.

Is something funny

going on around here?

You'd know better than I would.

I would?

So you can see why I couldn't

let you just ramble on

about heart transplants

and operations.

Yeah, of course.

But why didn't he just tell us?

I mean, what if he needs help?

After all we're a part

of his family.

Listen, there's nothing

we can do until he's ready

to confide in us.

That's just stupid.

Well, getting mad

isn't gonna help.

Well, what is?

Look, Nancy, I know how you feel

but for now just

keep it yourself, hmm?

Alright, but I don't know

how dad could be so selfish

in this time of need.

- Oh, hi, dad! Bye, dad!

- Oh, wait, Tommy.

Wait a minute,

I wanna talk to you.

Could you hurry, dad?

I gotta run.

Oh, why is that

every time I see you

these days, you're always

running off someplace.

Uh, track team.

In that outfit

with a guitar case?

Well, I can't stop

my life to train.

Uh, uh, this is wardrobe

for school play I'm doing

and after that

I have band practice.

Oh, well, I-I thought

that track was in the spring.

Uh, you can start

to train too early.

I'll see you later.

[indistinct chatter on TV]

Watching another documentary?

Oh, not exactly.

It's called "Twisted Minds."

It's that old movie

about the loony bin.

Oh! Listen, there's a better one

on channel four.

Not so heavy. It's a comedy.

It's about this father who dies

and leaves all his money

to his children,

they all fight over it.

- It's so funny.

- Oh, dad! That's awful!

[indistinct chatter on TV]

[instrumental music]

Look at all that stuff.

'It's just dripping

with cholesterol.'

I know, Mary.

It's heart att*ck on a plate.

I have an idea..

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

Does anyone happen to notice..

No, I guess not.

I'm going stark raving bananas!

I think you're overreacting.

Overreacting?

They stole my breakfast.

Tom, do you really mean stole?

Alright. So they borrowed it.

I really think an extra day

wouldn't hurt.

Now, uh, how's Friday?

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Dad, do you mind if I vacuum,

Abby wants it done

before she gets home?

No, go ahead.

[vacuum cleaner whirring]

Will you help me

move the couch?

Yeah, no problem.

[sighs]

Just a second, dad.

I'll be right back.

What are you trying to do?

I'm trying to vacuum the carpet.

I don't mean that. I mean asking

dad to exert himself like that.

Well, he isn't exactly

over the hill yet.

Elizabeth,

he could hurt himself.

Oh, come on, Nancy,

is something wrong?

I'm not supposed to tell but..

...dad is seeing

a heart specialist.

If he lifts too much,

he could have a heart att*ck.

Are you sure it's that serious?

(Nancy)

'Elizabeth, I'm telling you,

he could have a heart att*ck.'

'And if..'

'I don't even

wanna think about it.'

(Elizabeth)

'Nancy, why didn't anybody

tell me?'

(Nancy)

'Don't worry about

that now, okay?'

'Just be careful.'

'And don't tell anyone else.'

'Especially Nicholas.'

[dramatic music]

[instrumental music]

[laughs]

You certainly are popular.

Two girlfriends, I hear.

Yeah, well, dad always said

I should play the field.

Uh-huh.

I guess that's the name

of the game in this house

so, only I, uh, guess I'm just

learning the rules.

Oh, Tommy, your date's here.

She is picking you up?

Yeah, well, it's called

a seller's market.

Excuse me.

[crickets chirping]

[chuckles]

Hi!

School isn't that big,

Tommy Bradford.

Word gets around.

Especially when that word

comes from a big bragging mouth.

Well, hey, look,

I-I really dig both of you.

Good. Because you've got

both of us for the evening.

If you're man enough

to handle it.

Well, fasten your seat belts,

ladies. We'll find out.

[instrumental music]

- Dad!

- What?

Nicholas speaks?

Is your heart gonna att*ck you?

Huh?

Is your heart really

going to att*ck you?

Do you mean am I going to have

a heart att*ck?

Yeah. That's it.

No. I-I don't think so.

And you're not going

away like mom?

Oh, Nicholas!

Come here.

Where did you get that idea?

I heard Elizabeth

and Nancy talking.

They didn't want me to know.

Are you sure

that's what they said?

I'm sure.

I sold my glove and bat

and all my trading cards

so you can get one of those

chimpanzee heart transmissions.

That means a lot

to me, Nicholas.

I'm lucky to have

a son like you.

But, no, I, uh, I don't need

a chimpanzee heart.

This one's just perfect.

Really?

Yeah, I mean it.

I cross my...healthy heart.

Gee, now I can buy

all my stuffs back.

Better than that,

I'm gonna buy you

a new glove and a bat,

alright?

Alright!

But listen, one thing

before I do it

then I won't bother you,

I wanna ask you one thing.

I won't bother you anymore.

Why have you been

staring at me?

- Oh, that.

- Yeah, that.

Well, you know

my friend Kenny P. Landers

he said the best way

to control parents

is to stare at them.

I might have known,

Kenny P. Landers.

Every parent's best friend.

Well, I'm sure glad I found out.

I was wonderin'.

Dad, can I still

have a new glove?

Yeah. And we'll break

it in together.

But right now, I gotta talk

to Nancy and Elizabeth.

Alright, what is all this talk

about my impending heart att*ck?

Come on now, I want

an explanation.

Susan, I wanna talk to you.

Uh, just a minute, dad.

I'm brushing my teeth.

No, this can't wait, Susan.

I wanna know where you heard

I was going to have

a heart att*ck?

Please, don't be mad, dad.

We know it was supposed

to be a secret--

Oh, who's we?

- Me and Mary.

- Oh! I cannot believe this.

I'm always the last person

in this house to know anything

even if it's about

my own heart att*ck.

Where is Mary?

My name, I heard it mentioned.

Oh, you're the fountain

of truth. Come in here. Come in.

Please explain to me

what is all this talk

about my having a heart att*ck

and it better be good too

because there's nobody left

to pass the buck to.

Yeah, well, I guess some people

just have big mouths.

Um, dad, I-I know

about Dr. Koenig.

Oh! Wait, what has Dr. Koenig

got to do with my having

a heart att*ck?

Everything.

Uh, Dr. Koenig is a,

a cardiologist, isn't he?

He?

'The family conference

is, uh, about to begin.'

Now, uh, Tommy isn't here,

but that doesn't worry me

I'm sure that

the Bradford information center

'will fill him in.'

I, uh, I've been keeping

a secret from you

for the last few weeks

and I'm sorry.

'I've put you all through

a lot of worry.'

A lot more than I realized

until tonight

and now I, uh..

'...I wanna tell you

all the truth.'

Tom, wait a minute,

don't you think

we should talk

about this first--

No, Abby, I'm sorry,

I didn't confide in you

but now I want everyone

to hear this

because I, I don't want there

to be any misunderstanding.

'Aah! You kids have

to grow up sometime.'

'I..'

This is very difficult for me.

The-the-the last few weeks

I've-I've..

It's embarrassing. I-I've been

keeping a secret from you.

I, I-I've been seeing a..

...a psychologist.

- 'Seeing a what?'

- Wait a second.

What, you don't have

heart trouble?

You mean no heart att*ck?

Wait a minute.

Dad, um, um, we all thought

you had a heart trouble

and you're seeing

a psychologist?

(David)

'Dad, why didn't you tell us?

You didn't have to lie.'

Yeah, nowadays everybody

sees a headshrinker.

A headshrinker?

I thought something was really

wrong with you, dad.

'Dad, we were so worried.'

I-I didn't think

you'd take it this well.

I had no idea.

(Elizabeth)

'Dad, I've been

in the pits for days.'

- Thanks to Nancy here.

- Hey, it's not my fault.

- Susan!

- Oh! Joannie told me.

- Mary she, she--

- Mary started this--

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Mary, how did you find out

about Dr. Koenig?

Oh, gosh, you're okay.

Dad, I found

Dr. Max's referral

in the car, okay,

and-and there's only one

Dr. J. Koenig in Sacramento.

I checked the AMA register.

Oh, well, I think

I can explain that.

Dr. Joyce Koenig

is a psychologist

that I went to,

but she is a PhD not an MD.

So naturally,

she's not registered in the AMA.

- Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- No. That's alright.

Oh, hey, Tommy!

- Hey!

- What's that?

Well, what have you been doing?

Everything times two.

Right, just go freak

in a granola cupcake

must have been some date.

Oh! No wonder.

Uh, it's an occupational hazard,

casanova.

Yeah, well, I'm going to bed.

You wouldn't believe all

the things I did tonight.

I'd tell you I gotta be crazy,

I oughta have my head examined.

[indistinct chatter]

(Mary)

Hey, I know great doctors.

Great doctors.

(Nicholas)

What's a headshrinker?

[instrumental music]

[Abby laughs]

Why didn't you tell me?

I would have understood.

Don't you think I can handle it?

No, no, that wasn't it.

It's just that I was embarrassed

and ashamed about having

to see a psychologist at my age.

There's no age limit, you know.

Oh, I know that.

I mean, I found that out.

The worst part was getting

over my own prejudice

about seeing a psychologist.

I always thought they only sort

people who didn't have anyone

to talk to, but it's funny.

Even though I have nine people

who, who love me

and care about me,

it's still good to talk

to somebody that,

uh, can be objective.

Somebody, who's not

your wife, right?

- Hmm. Exactly.

- Exactly.

I have a confession to make.

Oh! Is that serious?

This is very serious.

[Abby inhales]

I thought you

were having an affair

with somebody named Joyce.

What? Me?

I didn't know

she was your psychologist

and so I just naturally jumped

to the wrong conclusion.

Come on! Why didn't you

say something?

Look who's talking.

Hmm. Too shy.

It may also interest you know

that I was prepared to do

anything to win you back.

- Really?

- Hmm.

Wow!

Tell me about it.

[instrumental music]

- Hello! Anybody home?

- Shh, shh, shh!

Quite, dad's taking a nap.

(David)

'Oh-oh, I just came by to see

how his therapy was going.'

Oh, he's all finished.

Today was his last session.

Obviously the insomnia is gone.

Well, once he explained

all the mix-ups

Dr. Koenig said that

for a guy with eight kids

he's just not too bad

off at all.

Nicholas, what are you doing?

Well, everybody's been saying

that dad's been going

to a headshrinker.

So I wanted to see

how much dad's head shrink.

[both laughing]

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]