Dad, can I talk to you
a minute in private?
Oh, well, this is about as
private as it ever gonna get
Nicholas, so sh**t.
Well, was I expected?
- Huh?
- Was I expected?
That's what I thought you said.
[clears throat]
Sit down, Nicholas.
Uh...well, oh, yes.
Yes, of course.
Of course you were expected.
I mean, I know
there are a number of years
between you and Tommy
'more than between
the other kids in the family'
that doesn't nevertheless
mean that-that-that
you were not expected.
You-you see there are a lot
of things that enter in
to the decision
of having a child
and-and it gets-it gets,
it gets very complicated
but-but it-it is nice
and w-what the Dickens
bought this on, Nicholas?
Charlene Puddlemudder.
Who is Charlene Puddlemudder.
and what does she know
that I don't know?
Well, she's in the sixth grade
and yesterday in the school yard
I heard her say
that she was a surprise.
So?
So I've been thinking
about the whole situation.
Well, it doesn't
make any difference
whether you are
a surprise or not
but even if you were,
you were a very nice surprise.
So you mean, when I showed up,
nobody was mad?
Of course not.
Boy, what a relief.
Don't worry about it, son.
Alright, as long as you
guys know what you're doing.
Yeah, we-we have a rough idea.
[instrumental music]
[theme song]
♪ There's a magic in the
early morning we've found ♪
♪ When the sunrise smiles
on everything around ♪
♪ It's a portrait
of the happiness ♪
♪ That we feel and always will ♪
♪ Oh eight is enough
to fill our lives with love ♪
♪ Oh we spend our days like
bright and shiny new dimes ♪
♪ If we're ever puzzled
by the changing times ♪
♪ There's a plate
of homemade wishes ♪
♪ On the kitchen windowsill ♪
♪ And eight is enough
to fill our lives with love ♪♪
[instrumental music]
- Oh, good morning.
- Oh. Good morning.
I'm afraid
you busted curfew again.
Enough to ground you.
Ground me, please.
'Hmm. Hm.'
[yawning]
What time is it, anyway?
- It's :.
- Oh.
Did you close up
the library again?
Mm-hmm. The campus
nightwatchman and I
were on a first name basis.
- Wally.
- Wally, right.
'He's a sweet
little motherly type.'
I remember him from last year.
Abby, have you, uh
given any thought to lightening
your course load a little bit?
Are you kidding?
I mean, I was just
hopin' to get my doctorate
before the turn of the century.
Abby, you'll make it,
and sooner than you think.
Sure, if I don't flunk anything
or get demoralized..
...or sidetracked.
Abby, you know
there are lot of women
in their s
go back to school
'and, and they all do fine.'
[chuckles]
Yeah, but how many
of them have a job?
And live in a house
with eight other people
with two bathrooms
and one telephone?
Come on, Mary,
you'll have your own practice
before I make PhD.
Well, in that case..
...I'll treat you
for battle fatigue.
Maybe you could
specialize in geriatrics.
Goodnight, Abby.
Oh, night, Mary.
(Nancy)
'And, Mr. Adelson'
'the Universal Knowledge
Compendium can be yours'
'for just pennies a day.'
'This complete
home reference library'
'is complied by
experts in their fields'
'from Aviation to Zoology.'
From Astrophysics to,
to Zymurgy.
Pardon me?
What Zymurgy?
Uh, the study of zymurs.
[clears throat]
In any case,
uh, this-this exciting offer
is available to you,
Mr. Adelson
for a limited time only.
During the next days
you can examine the Universal
Knowledge Compendium
in your own home or office
with absolutely
no obligation whatsoever
and if you are not completely
satisfied and delighted..
You can examine the Universal
Knowledge Compendium
in your own home or office.
With absolutely no obligation
and if you're not
completely satisfied--
Please, don't knock it, at least
somebody in this family
is gainfully employed.
Oh, yeah, you call
making junk phone calls
gainful employment.
Why not? When-when
she gets her commission--
It will be applied immediately,
if not sooner
to the brown suede coat
which she put
a deposit on last week.
It's the principle of the thing.
It's the coat.
Nancy's talkin'
to strange people on the phone.
No, no, she's just trying
to earn a little
extra money, Nicholas.
On the phone?
Gee, Elizabeth, that's a good
idea, you should try it.
You'll make
a million-trillion dollars.
Nicholas.
(Tommy)
'Hey, the kid's got a point'
with your experience
in communication arts.
Oh, yeah?
Alright,
civilized breakfast discussion
is now in order.
[sighs]
The autocrat
at the breakfast table.
- Is that so?
- Yes.
[laughing]
- Good morning.
- Oh, good morning, Abby.
(Nicholas)
Good morning, Abby.
- Would you like some juice?
- No, thanks.
- How about some toast?
- No.
- Eggs and bacon?
- No, no, no.
(Tom)
'Is that all you're gonna
have for breakfast, Abby'
'just coffee?'
Yeah. I'm not very hungry.
- 'Are you feeling okay?'
- Sure. Yeah.
You do look a little
under the weather
maybe you should go and see Max.
No, really I'm fine,
I just stayed up late
studying last night,
that's all.
Oh, well, you know what they
say about the wages of studying.
Do you think it's easy,
working with kids all day
and then coming home
to housework
and more kids at night?
And then closin' up
the library every night?
Well, let me tell you, it's not!
[instrumental music]
If you'll excuse me,
I'm late for work.
Oh, that's probably
just nerves, you know.
I mean, she's taking
qualifying exams
it's that time of year.
Maybe it's more
like that time of the mo..
- The time of the what, dad?
- Nothing.
Excuse me, I'm late.
I've gotta run now.
Have a nice day.
Boy, men are
so insensitive sometimes.
Is Abby mad at dad?
Is dad mad at Abby?
[music continues]
Hey, sport.
Hop on. I'll give you
a ride to school, huh?
I gotta ask you something.
You can ask me
on the way, let's go.
You on there?
- Tommy, do you play with girls?
- What?
What exactly did you mean
by that, Nicholas?
Well, if girls ask to play games
with you, do you say yes?
Oh, well, that depends entirely
upon the nature of the game.
What about post office?
Oh, little post office, huh?
That's a very
interesting little game.
Do you play it
with Wendy Springer?
Yep, all the time.
Let's say, it keeps us
off the streets.
Come on, we better get going.
But is it fun?
You're gonna love it.
(Tommy)
Aw-ooh.
[sighs]
- You're working.
- You're late.
Excuse me, chief.
I did report
for duty at hours
but it was called up
to accounts receivable
to deal with an emergency.
You know Shirley, don't you?
Her ex-husband--
I don't wanna hear
about Shirley's ex-husband.
I wanna hear
about my phone calls.
Mr. Bradford, at this
tender hour of the morning
I think you'd really rather
hear about Shirley's ex-husband.
[typewriter clacking]
Okay, don't say
I didn't warn you.
Sydney Vector called.
- My accountant?
- Mm-hmm.
Why would he call
this time of the year?
It's September, accountants
don't call on September.
Unless..
Oh. No, that's ridiculous.
It-it is probably a social call.
I filed my return on time.
I remembered to sign it.
It's gotta be a social call.
[chuckles]
That's what it is.
Uh, Sydney Vector, please.
He, uh..
He wants to take Abby and me
out to dinner, of course.
I always said
he was a very nice man.
Oh, hi, Sydney.
It's me, Tom Bradford.
Fine, fine.
What's up?
I'm what?
- Audited?
- Yes, audited.
Is that like heavy?
Yes, that's like heavy.
Oh. Well, what's all this
junk on your desk for?
This junk,
this junk happens to be
all the receipts and records
of this family's finances
for the past seven years.
Elizabeth, don't you realize
that we, we could be in debt
to the Un-United States
Government.
Heavy.
Well, I guess this isn't
the time to ask you
about that new stereo then, huh?
Yeah.
Your children's grades
will leap to new heights.
You have no family?
Oh. Well, Mr. Baskin
you yourself
in no time at all
will leap to new..
Hello?
Well, he wasn't interested
in leapin', huh?
Hello, Mrs. Perkowitz.
'This is Nancy Bradford'
for the Universal
Knowledge Compendium.
I'd like to tell you
about the wonderful opportunity
available to you,
Mrs. Perkowitz.
Hey, Nancy.
There's this guy outside
in a big convertible.
Oh, really?
Uh, listen, Mrs. Perkowitz
I'll have
to call you back later.
Bye.
Thanks.
Works every time.
Hello, Ervie?
Yeah, this is Nicholas.
Yeah, Tommy said
it was really fun
and he knows a lot about girls.
No, I forgot to ask about that.
Oh, yeah, you're probably right.
We probably do need stamps.
Nicholas.
Ervie, I gotta go. Bye.
What guy? In what convertible?
He must've had the wrong house.
Dad.
Oh, what is it, Nicholas?
Can I have some stamps?
Uh, yeah, if you
want a letter mail
just leave it
on my desk, alright?
Darn.
Oh, stop being so depressed.
Think positively.
Maybe a little music
will help, huh?
Somethin' cheerful?
♪ La la-la-la ♪
♪ La la-la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la
la-la-la la la ♪
♪ La la la la ♪
♪ Bum ♪
♪ Bum bum bum ♪
♪ Bum ba bum bum bum ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Ha-lle-lu-jah ♪♪
- Joannie.
- Oh, hi, dad.
I was just singing to Gladys,
she's been depressed lately.
Oh, really,
I'm terribly sorry about that.
Listen, do you remember
back in November
you had your tooth capped?
Oh, how could I forget?
That dentist was a sadist.
Yes, well, I need
the parking lot receipt.
You know, you park, you pay,
you get a receipt?
- No, I didn't pay.
- You did-you didn't pay?
The sadist validates parking.
Validated it? Oh, shucks.
He's not well.
Hilda, I really thank you for
seeing me on such short notice.
Abby, I've been your
gynecologist for, what?
Ten years now?
Now, what can
possibly be so wrong
that you can't talk to me about?
Hilda, I'm two weeks late
for my period.
So..
...you're two weeks late
with your period?
- 'Mm-hmm.'
- What's so serious about that?
Well..
...you know what that means?
That can mean several things.
Only one thing that I know of.
Abby, two weeks
is certainly not conclusive.
I have never been late
in my life.
I have a very regular cycle.
Hilda, I really think..
...I'm pregnant.
[instrumental music]
Hey, David!
Can I take it for a spin?
Oh, sure, Nicholas
we got enough time
before dinner.
Hop in.
[imitating car engine]
Hey, uh,
hook a left up by that light.
[buzzing]
Nice turn, ace.
Okay, we got
a big semi followin' us
now, let her rip.
[buzzing]
Hey, David, can I park her?
Well, sure, what's wrong?
You're tired of the game?
Nah, I just
got somethin' on my mind.
Well, let's hear it.
David, is it okay
to play with girls?
Sure.
Yeah, lots of girls
are in Little League these days.
I'm not talking
about Little League, David.
I'm talking about post office.
Well, um..
...it's been a long time
since I've played post office
but if I remember correctly
it's pretty okay.
- Really?
- Yeah, really.
The thing of it
is though, you've gotta
take a little time
to get into it.
Kind of like, uh,
eating spinach.
At first it doesn't taste so hot
but after a while it's good.
But what if
I don't like it ever?
Oh, I've got a feeling
you're gonna like it.
Let's go and get some chow,
okay? Come on.
- Do you know what's for dinner?
- I think chicken.
Chicken, that sounds good.
David, do you need a lot
of stamps to play post office?
- Uh..
- Hey, David. Hi.
Hi, Susan.
Ah, I thought I heard the van.
Uh, yeah, no, that was not
the van you heard,
that was my stomach.
Uh, may I escort you?
Yes, you may. Stop!
Darn.
Maybe it was
that article you wrote.
Remember the one on fiscal
irresponsibility in Washington?
Oh, yeah, that one, remember?
You really socked a tune, dad.
Well, they have some nerve
to question
my integrity, my honesty.
Well, you questioned theirs.
I didn't
question their integrity.
I just said that
they were being very careless
with the tax payers' money.
Well, then don't you think
your taking
this audit
a little too personally?
Oh, why shouldn't I?
My name was on the letter?
So, what? The computer kicks out
two percent of all returns
at random.
No, there's nothing random
about this family.
(Elizabeth)
'That's for sure, eight kids.'
(Tom)
'Seven of whom
are still legal deductions.'
Hey, dad that's
- right off the top.
Maybe you should try and shelter
some of the bread you own
in Lichtenstein.
Is that anywhere
near Pakinstein?
[laughter]
Tommy, if I need
your financial help
I'll hire you as my accountant.
- Hi, Abby.
- Hi, Ab.
- Hello.
- Hi, Abby.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I had a parent conference.
- Uh, did you get a receipt?
- I beg your pardon?
You haven't heard
the good news yet?
What?
Dad's being orbit-tt-ted.
- Ah, au-da-da-da-da.
- Audited.
(Tommy)
Are you sure you go to school?
[indistinct chatter]
[instrumental music]
I tell ya, it isn't fair.
'Okay, if that's the way
they wanna play ball'
it's okay with me because
you know what I'm gonna do?
[laughing]
'I'm going to bring down'
'every nitpicking receipt
that I can get my hands on.'
because I've had it
with those people.
Abby, are you listening to me?
What?
Have you heard a word
that I said?
Oh. No, Tom, I guess, uh..
I'm sorry,
I really wasn't listening.
[music continues]
What's wrong?
This morning I thought that
maybe you were just
having a flash of moodiness,
but now I'm beginning to wonder
if it's not something
more to it.
I'm sorry about this morning.
I-I guess, I..
I-I just got up on the wrong
side of the bed or something.
I promise,
I promise to pay attention.
Now tell me, are we really
in trouble with the IRS?
Yeah, we could be
if I can't justify
some of these deductions.
- Especially medical.
- Medical.
'Medical expenses seem
to mount up in this family.'
I don't know why,
but we've gotta cut it down.
Otherwise we're gonna be
audited every year.
Of course.
Oh, please,
forget medical expenses.
What really gets to me
is they give me a measly $
deduction for each child.
'That's ridiculous.'
'Do you know how much
it cost to raise'
'and feed and clothe a child?'
'A lot more than $,
believe me.'
Take it from me,
someone who knows.
If I had to start
a family all over again
at today's prices,
I'd think twice about it.
Good morning, Abby.
Well?
Negative.
Does that mean
I'm not really pregnant?
As far as the test is concerned
you're not pregnant..
But..
I must tell you though that,
in the early stages of pregnancy
false negative readings
are not uncommon.
Yeah, I-I have heard that,
but just exactly
what does that mean in my case?
It means that
we can't be completely sure
for another
two to three weeks.
Unless of course
you begin your period
or the symptoms disappear.
Tell me,
are you still receiving
vague feelings of nausea
in the morning?
I don't know what it is, Hilda.
I, I just, uh..
I had this feeling, and, uh..
You-you can call it instinct or
you could call it intuition,
whatever you wanna call it
but, uh, I just know
I'm gonna have a child.
Sometimes that's the most
accurate symptom
a woman can have.
Abby, you're a healthy woman.
You're still young enough
to have a child
without problems.
You're happily married?
What's wrong?
Well, what's wrong?
What's wrong is that, uh..
...Tom has already fathered
eight children.
What's wrong is, um
I have a career
I care very much about.
What's wrong is
I, I just don't feel
emotionally equipped to bear
a child right now.
My life is, is,
is just too fragmented.
Oh.
That's quite a list.
Abby, listen..
...before you make yourself
a nervous wreck over this
why don't we wait
until we're sure?
Look, go home, talk to Tom.
Tom.
Don't tell me
you haven't told him yet.
Abby, that's the first step.
Tell him,
see how he feels about it.
And whatever you do,
stop making yourself miserable.
It's not the end of the world.
Okay?
Okay.
Thanks, Hilda.
[engine revving]
[knocking]
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
I hope you don't think
I was snooping or anything.
I-I knocked, but there was no
answer, so I just came on in.
Oh, well, if you're looking
for a little light reading
I don't think you're gonna
find it in there.
No, I-I was just checking
through these journals
to see if you had anything
on dyslexia.
'See, I'm working
with a dyslexic child'
and, and I thought
if I learned
about the physiological causes
that, uh, maybe I'd have
some better luck with her.
Well, uh, did you find anything?
No, I, I didn't,
I didn't find anything.
Uh, well, look,
if it's that important
'you know, I could ask somebody'
'in the neurophysiology
department.'
No, it's not that important.
Uh, thank you, Mary. Thank you.
For what?
[instrumental music]
I am not chicken.
I've been doin'
plenty of times already.
I've been doin' it
since I was seven.
So, there.
I know it's tomorrow.
Don't worry, I'll be there.
I'll be there.
Bye.
[sighs]
Oh.
Mealy bugs.
Mealy bugs?
Oh, Gladys is coming down
with mealy bugs.
You know, mealy bugs
can be terminal, Joannie.
Susan.
Hey, I just think you should be
prepared for the worst, right?
Oh, boy, thanks a lot.
It's alright.
It's okay, be better.
- Yeah, Joannie.
- Huh?
Uh, have you been thinking
about the same thing
I've been thinkin' about?
I think so.
You don't think..
- No.
- Nah.
I mean, just because
she's been moody lately
and hasn't been eatin' much.
Yeah, it's probably nothing.
- Probably.
- Probably.
But that's typical, isn't it?
- Maybe.
- Yeah.
Nah, couldn't be.
Couldn't it?
How could she?
- Why would she?
- No, why wouldn't she?
[knock on door]
Enter only if you're female.
I think I qualify.
'Excuse me,
just need some cold cream.'
Oh, go ahead we're just, uh,
bathing old Gladys here.
[mumbling]
- Uh.
- Uh, Mary.
- What?
- Um..
We were wondering if you've
noticed that, um, Abby..
...has been acting
strange lately or anything?
Uh, what are you talkin' about?
Well, you know,
just acting kinda weird.
(Joannie)
'Yeah, weird.'
Well, you know, like, um,
as if she was, um
in a different...state of being.
State of being? That sounds
a little metaphysical.
Well, actually, Mary, we're just
talking plain physical.
Yeah.
I think I see
what you're getting at
but let me
put it to you this way.
I would you suggest
that you don't
rush into print with this story.
'If you know what I mean.'
(Tom)
'Donna!'
I, uh, heard you the first time,
Mr. Branford.
I need to find my tax-deductible
receipts for the audit.
I can't find anything
in this mess.
This mess, as you
lovingly referred to it
is the filing system.
This?
Certainly.
Well, I don't know how you can
find anything in this
this-this-this delicatessen.
[chuckles]
Try me.
Alright, I will.
- Are you ready?
- I certainly am.
Find me my airline ticket
vouchers from my trip to Denver!
Okay, that is T
for ticket vouchers
so, we go to T.
We open up the T File.
'Here we are.'
Not your file.
And we take out.
And we see that it's empty.
So we immediately assume that
it's cross-filed under V
for voucher.
'Okay, we put this back,
and we go to voucher file'
'we pull it open.'
'We crawl up here.'
We pull this out
and we dis-cover
that there are no vouchers.
'Therefore we must go
to the fail-safe system.'
'Which is D.'
D for.. Da-da-da.
Denver. Denver
Here we are.
That's a filing system.
No, that's job security.
[Donna chuckling]
[instrumental music]
[door closes]
[music continues]
Abby.
Are you alright?
I, uh..
I just thought maybe
you wanna talk, you know.
I, uh..
[sobbing]
[music continues]
Hi, Nicholas.
Hi.
Ooh, you look like a man
with something on his mind.
Nah, I was just thinking.
That's what I meant, Nicholas.
Oh. You have any stamps?
Stamps, huh?
No, I don't have any stamps
but if you just leave
your letter on dad's desk
it'll surely get mailed.
Darn.
Yes, Mrs. Garbith
if you are not
one hundred percent satisfied
with the Universal Knowledge
Compendium
we will refund your money
and the Universal Knowledge
Compendium
will even let you keep
the beautiful plastic patio
ashtray as our gift to you.
That's right.
Just by examining the set
in the privacy of your own home.
- Uh.
- No luck?
- I don't believe it.
- What?
Mrs. Garbith threatened
to report me
to the phone company.
Oh, why?
She thought compendium
was a sex manual.
Isn't it?
I really emoted on you,
didn't I?
- Do you feel better?
- Yeah, and you?
[laughing]
I think you need one of these.
Well, do you know
for sure, Abby?
Oh, not for two weeks.
- Yeah.
- Unless of course, uh..
You know, I think I can
handle all this a lot better
if I,
if I just didn't have this..
...this feeling inside
that I let this happen
on purpose,
you know what I mean?
No, Abby
I don't understand that.
Hm. Well, you remember
few nights ago
when I, when I told you that,
um, you'd be a doctor
before I had my PhD?
Well, see, it's just
tough for me to handle
that my stepdaughter
has it more together than I do.
Oh, Abby,
that's, that's so absurd.
Look, look. You've got a job.
I don't have a job.
Um, you have a lot more
responsibility
around this house than I do.
'It's just a convenient
set of excuses, you know.'
I mean, in a baby.
I mean,
how convenient can you get?
I may not become a mother,
and, uh..
I put aside the doctorate
for a couple of years
and then I just
conveniently forget
my entire career, and..
- That is absurd, Abby.
- 'No, it's not absurd!'
I mean, I, I don't even know
if I want a baby.
I mean, I'm all tangled up
inside about that.
But I do know one thing.
I want more out of life
than just being
a part-time everything, Mary.
Uh, is that all
that's bothering you?
That..
...and your father.
You, uh, you haven't
told him yet, huh?
How do I tell a man who's been
out of the baby business
for ten years, that he's back in
it again, and with number nine.
Quietly.
Quietly?
[laughing]
- Oh, shucks!
- Game point.
Oh!
Don't rub it in,
will you, please?
The score is only -.
You did score three points.
[laughs]
Did you see my backhand?
I was playing terribly.
I tried not to look.
Uh, don't be too sensitive now.
Just a little joke.
You, uh, still worried
about that audit?
Sure, I am, how would you feel
if tomorrow was the first day
of the end of your life?
Catchy.
You know what I should do?
I should register
my occupation with the IRS
as a father
instead of a journalist.
I mean, after all,
I spend as much time at home
as I do at the office.
And this way, I could deduct
all the costs of being a father.
Catchy tax angle.
Oh, it's a beautiful tax angle.
Talk about deductions.
How about , diaper changes?
- Huh?
- Listen, I figured it all out.
My kids had their
diapers changed
ten times a day
for two years, right?
That's times.
But then you multiply that
by eight.
Eight times
is , diaper changes.
- Impressive figure.
- Oh, yes.
And that's only peanuts.
Do you know how many meals
I provided for that family?
- Not offhand.
- Alright, listen to this.
A hundred and forty thousand
two hundred and sixty three
as of yesterday.
You counted?
Yeah, well, I did last night
as I tried unsuccessfully
to fall asleep.
Then, there's aspirin.
Listen to this.
- Three headaches a week--
- Tom, please, please.
You're starting
to give me a headache.
I'm sorry, Max, it's just this
tax audit has me all wound up.
Hmm, no kidding.
I won't be able
to sleep a wink tonight.
Well, look.
I think you're making much
too much of this whole thing.
Much.
If it'll make you
feel any better
I'm gonna give you
a good sleeping pill.
Oh, yeah, oh, I can use it
because I've run out of
things to count.
That'll be three dollars.
(Elizabeth)
'Oh, I can't find it.'
(Nancy)
Can't find what?
Would you believe
a receipt for some
adhesive bandages
for, um, corns.
Corns?
Yeah, I was dancin' in some
shoes that were too tight.
Oh, for the audit.
Yeah, it was last December
and it was only cents
for Pete's sake.
Well, you can't go downstairs
empty-handed, can you?
Well, it's either that
or I could, um, forge it.
- Elizabeth.
- Yeah.
It's your turn.
Dad is waiting.
'The inquisition is now.'
Adhesive bandages, cents.
It's all I could
come up with, dad.
Oh.
I hope it helps,
and, um, it's forged.
It's for, it's forged?
Wait a minute, Elizabeth.
Duh-duh-duh, uh..
Oh, I, oh, shucks.
I'm here.
Nicholas,
what are you doing here?
Well, everyone
was bringing you stuff, and..
Oh, no, that's alright,
Nicholas.
I wasn't expecting
anything from you.
What's this?
It's a gotcha.
You know like what you got?
"Got from Freddy Ryan.
"One skate key, cents.
Nicholas Bradford."
Is that gonna help?
Yeah. It's a big help.
You better get to bed now.
Goodnight.
[clearing throat]
Is there something else?
Yeah, uh,
dad, can I borrow some stamps?
I'll give 'em back
to you tomorrow.
Oh, oh, stamps?
Sure, just a second.
Here, here's some stamps.
Gee, thanks, dad.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight, Nicholas.
[sighs]
Aah!
[instrumental music]
Oh, I see you decided
to turn in early, huh?
Mm.
Oh, I imagined
what with the audit tomorrow
and everything, you wanted to
get a goodnight sleep, huh?
Hmm.
Maybe, now isn't the, the best
time to, to bring this up
but, uh, I guess there never
really is a, a good time
is there, so it might as well
be now, right?
Mm-hmm.
Tom, uh, I have something
to say to you, and, uh
something I wanna tell you, and,
and, and I want you to
to just listen, not say anything
until I finish it, okay?
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Boy, this is really difficult
because it, it has to do
with, with, with some many more
things than, than
just what it has to do with.
I don't even know
where to begin.
'Maybe, maybe, I should just
plunge right in.'
Believe me, ha ha.
I had no idea that this
was gonna happen
I mean, uh, and I don't even
know how it happened, but, uh..
Oh.
This is not coming out
the way I wanted to.
Maybe, maybe, I should
just say this
and then you can
just scream and shout
and do whatever you have to do
and then, then we can just,
we can try to to sort it through
together, and, uh..
Okay, that's about it.
Okay, Tom, I, um..
Tom, I'm not sure
but there's a very good chance
that I maybe, uh..
Of course, there's a very good
chance that I may not be
but, uh..
Tom, I may be pregnant.
[snoring]
Tom.
Did you hear what I just said?
Oh, no.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
- Mr. Mephisto?
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm Tom Bradford.
- Hmm.
Are you going to sit down
or would you like
to do this standing up?
Oh, I'm sorry.
This is my first time, I..
Uh-huh.
Seven dependents?
Yes, there used to be eight
but my older son David,
uh, he, he moved out.
He's living by himself.
Self-supporting now.
Except sometimes,
I would give him, uh
you know, $ just to tide him
over until, till payday.
Well, he's not on the return.
Oh.
Now..
"..a Mary Bradford,
age , dependent."
Yes, well, actually
she's a very independent
young lady.
Uh, she's in medical school now
and here are some
of the, uh, tuition receipts
Where's her principal residence?
She lives at home with us
in the room, uh
the first room on the right as
you come out of the bathroom.
- Thank you.
- Well..
"A Jonnie Bradford, age ."
Dependent, and um..
Is she employed
outside the house?
Uh, no, no, nothing to speak of.
Sometimes, she'll take an,
uh, occasional part-time job.
Uh, you don't have to mention--
Well, we'll just check that
through social security.
Oh, thank you.
'"Susan Bradford, age ."'
- De..
- Pendent.
(Mephisto)
'Nicholas Bradford,
age nine, dependent.'
Uh, uh, take a look at those
dental receipts.
The, the kid loves candy.
Tell me something, Mr. Bradford.
How do you do it?
How do I do what?
How do you manage
to keep your head above water
with this enormous
family of yours?
I kick a lot.
Is that it?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, can I go?
Mnm-mnm.
- Wha-what is this?
- It's a voucher.
Take it to the cashier, and
he'll give you a refund check
for dollars and cents.
You used the wrong table
for the sales tax
standard deduction.
I don't care if you don't
wanna sell a break.
I do, I have
dollars and cents.
Of course,
I'm taking you to dinner.
Dinner, it's :
in the afternoon.
We'll call it a late lunch.
Tom, I have something,
I have to talk to you about.
We'll talk about it
later at lunch.
We'll talk about it then.
- Alright.
- Where are you going?
To celebrate.
Celebrate?
Here we go again.
[guitar music]
Hey, how's it going, ace?
One rough day, huh?
Hey, you know,
you look pretty wasted.
'What happened? You wipeout
on your skateboard?'
Oh, I get it.
Today must be the day, huh?
'Little, uh, postal delivery?'
Well, how did it go?
'Ah, what did I tell you?'
I knew you'd get into it
sooner or later.
Yup, runs in the family.
Another Bradford male out in
the trenches knocking 'em dead.
'He's playing marbles, huh?'
- Tommy.
- What?
If you don't mind,
I want to be alone.
Oh, yeah, sure.
[instrumental music]
[sighs]
I'm pregnant.
Oh, I tried to tell you last
night, but you fell asleep.
See, at first,
I thought it was nothing
but how could it be
right, and, and
'well, when, when
the symptoms continued'
'I went to Hilda Kraus,
and, and I had a test'
'and, and it was negative'
'but, but see, it's, it's too
early to be conclusive'
and, and see,
Hilda thinks it's possible
and, and I think
it's possible too
because, because see, Tom, I
have this feeling inside me
and, oh, Tom, I..
I know this must come
as a shock to you and everything
because you already have
eight children, and, and I feel
awf.. I feel, I feel guilty,
and I-I feel..
Yeah.
- Sir?
- A bottle of champagne.
The best you've got.
(male #)
'Yes, sir.'
I thought you'd be angry.
I mean, I thought
this would be a burden to you.
A burden?
How could having a child
with the woman that you love
very much ever,
ever be a burden?
Oh, Tom.
Don't say anymore.
May I have this dance?
There isn't any music.
Music?
Who needs music?
[chuckles]
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
[knock on door]
Come in, Evelyn.
- Good morning.
- Abby!
- Hi.
- I thought it was my nurse.
What are you doing here
at this hour?
Oh, I just took a long walk.
I'm afraid it's too early
to redo the test.
I know, but that
won't be necessary.
You mean,
the symptoms have disappeared?
Well, certain symptoms
have disappeared and..
..others have appeared.
'Uh-huh, I see.'
And what about that little
intuitive voice inside you?
It's still there, but, uh..
...it's some..
It's saying
something really different.
It's saying that my husband
loves me very much.
[Abby chuckles]
But, Hilda, you know,
what I wanna know is how could
I've had all these symptoms
and, and still
not have been pregnant?
It's not that all uncommon.
Usually comes
from a confusion of roles.
You know, mother versus
independent career woman.
Yeah.
The body gets
conflicting signals.
Are you disappointed
now that you know that
Tom would have
welcomed the baby?
Right now, I'm just feeling
a little too much of everything.
Of course.
Tell me, uh,
do you think Tom will..
How do you think
he'll react to this
'sudden turnabout?'
As well as he did yesterday.
[both chuckles]
Hi.
Hi.
'Well, well.
To what do I owe this honor?'
I thought you might
like to have lunch.
Oh, at
We could call it
a late breakfast.
Uh-huh.
[tires squealing]
Forty-eight thousand
four hundred
and seventy-three hundred.
That would make, um..
Fifty-five thousand
seven hundred.
- Oh, that's a lot of diapers.
- That's a lot of diapers.
- Dad, hi.
- We're gonna take a nap.
We don't expect to be
disturbed until dinner.
This is ridiculous.
Shee..
You think we wouldn't be
the last to know.
Really.
I can't take it anymore.
Take what, Mary?
The suspense.
It's driving me crazy.
'Look, we have all
sat here for dinner.'
Nobody has said anything.
We've all been very patient.
Are you gonna tell us
or aren't you?
Tell you what?
Are you or are you not
going to have a baby?
Whatever gave you that idea,
Mary?
Would you care for
some more rice pudding, Abby?
I'd love some, thank you.
[instrumental music]
Ye-yes, Mrs. Amora.
Yes, it-it will be
delivered within days.
Po-postage paid.
I promise.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, bye.
I sold one.
I sold one!
'Hey, you guys,
isn't that great?'
- Thank goodness.
- It's about time.
Guys, aren't you gonna
congratulate me?
Congratulations.
I got it first.
Well, come on, get on with it.
Make your phone call.
Unh-unh.
Not with everyone listening.
Really, Nicholas,
what could you have to say
that could possibly be--
- Elizabeth.
- Why don't we go play..
- 'Why?'
- 'It's exciting..'
[instrumental music]
Hello, Isabelle,
this is Nicholas.
Listen, remember that
game you played the other day?
Wanna play it
again this afternoon?
[theme music]