03x05 - Milk and Sympathy

[bunniefuu]

Abby, how come

you always smell so good?

Do I? Uh, I don't know.

Maybe, it's the soap.

- I don't know.

- Soap?

How could it be the soap?

Paddy Peddy uses

soap everyday

and she smells

like salami sandwiches.

[chuckles]

What're you doing that for?

To look pretty.

I mean, with your mouth.

So I won't get it

in my eye as I..

I-I-I don't know why,

but it always seemed to help.

- Oh, like choking up on a back?

- Sort of, yeah.

Boy, women sure do a lot

of things to look pretty.

That's not exactly what a woman

wants to hear, Nicholas.

But you look pretty anyways.

Even with all that

slop on your face.

Well, now, that's better

but it's not

exactly music to my ears.

Should I try again?

Maybe, we should just

both quit while we're ahead.

Good. I'm running

out of compliments.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

♪ There's a magic ♪

♪ In the early morning ♪

♪ We found ♪

♪ When the sun rise smiles ♪

♪ On everything ♪

♪ Around ♪

♪ It's a portrait

of the happiness ♪

♪ That we feel

and always will ♪

♪ For eight is enough ♪

♪ To fill our lives ♪

♪ With love ♪

♪ Oh we spend our days like ♪

♪ Bright and shiny ♪

♪ New dimes ♪

♪ If we're ever puzzled ♪

♪ By the changing ♪

♪ Time ♪

♪ There's a plate

of homemade wishes ♪

♪ On the kitchen window sill ♪

♪ And eight is enough ♪

♪ To fill our lives with ♪

♪ Love ♪♪

[instrumental music]

- 'Good morning.'

- Good morning.

I'm telling you what's good

about this morning

is it's Friday.

You can say that again.

You know, Tommy.

If you wanna be on time

for breakfast,

maybe, you shouldn't stay out

'so late

on school nights, huh.'

Oh, no!

What's the matter, Tommy?

Spend your lips last night

upon make out point?

Oh? well, how do you know

that he was parked

upon make out point?

Personal observation?

Yeah, Ms. Big Mouth.

You got sprained lips, too?

(Susan)

'Yeah, I think

Elizabeth sprained her lips'

sticking her foot

into her mouth.

- Can I be excused?

- "May I be excused," Nicholas.

Sure, go ahead.

That's very funny, Nicholas.

I'm trying to give you

a grammar lesson.

It's "May I be excused."

Well, okay. Can I?

I thought you were

gonna wait for Irving J. Moore.

Nah, I'll see him later.

Uh, hey, dad, can I have

an advance on my allowance?

It's sort of a matter

of life and death.

No, it's probably

a matter of Donald Darlin'.

also known as

Donald D. Arlin Super Jock.

He drives

his father's Trans-Am

and he's trying

to monogram Linda Aimes.

No, no, no,

you mean monopolize, don't you?

Oh, no, dad, you give someone

a monogram when you go steady.

Really? Huh.

Somebody should write

a book on the language

on courting rituals

of a th century adolescent.

They'd have to rate it

"B" for boring.

Well, I don't know

if this is gonna cover

the cost of the Trans-Am,

but, good luck.

Just as long as it covers

the cost of the monogram.

You know, I can never

get used to this business.

The strident voices

of nine-year-olds

first thing in the morning.

You really should be

used to it by now, Andy.

You think so, wouldn't you?

Occupational hazard, I guess.

[clear throats]

Good morning...Nicholas.

Good morning, Mr. Andrews.

Good morning, Ms. Hamilton.

Good morning.

[instrumental music]

Well.

Refer to an aggressive if..

'...somewhat

abbreviated competitor.'

Thank you, Mr. Andrews. I'll see

you at the faculty meeting.

[indistinct chatter]

Thank you for offering to stay

and help me clean the board.

I got all the dust

off of your eraser too.

I think I know where it went.

You're not gonna spit

on that, are you?

No, Mr. Bradford,

I'm not gonna spit on it.

There you go. All done.

I think

we're about done here, too.

Just the blinds.

Do you need

a ride home, Nicholas?

No, ma'am. I got my bike.

- Bye, Ms. Hamilton.

- Bye, Nicholas.

Thank you for all the help.

You're welcome.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

Hi, you goose.

That's mine!

Hey, Nicholas,

what a lovely perfume.

Mind your own business!

And quit picking up

guys' handkerchiefs.

[laughs]

Hm..

Oh, Nicholas, how nice.

- You're my very first customer.

- Huh?

For the art sale.

Isn't that why you came by?

Oh, yeah.

Sure, I guess so.

I-I found your handkerchief

and I thought you'd like to know

that it was found,

before Monday and all.

That's why I brought it

to your house on Saturday.

Oh, I had a feeling

you might have found it.

You know, Nicholas,

I think it's very nice

that you came by to see me.

But you mustn't

keep finding things, okay?

Mm-hm.

Nicholas, come on.

Help me set this things out.

Then if you are hungry,

we can go in the house

and have some tea and crumpets.

Tea and trumpets?

That's crumpets, with a "C."

It's just an expression.

'Actually, I've got

some blueberry muffins.'

Oh, boy!

[instrumental music]

Here we are.

Hot from the oven.

- Mm. Do they smell good.

- Mm-hmm.

Have a seat, Mr. Bradford.

I guess I am kinda hungry.

Oh, well, I think

you'll like this muffins.

And the tea.

Especially with lots of milk

in it, it's very English.

Very proper.

Hm.

[clattering]

Too hot?

No, things just kind of break

easy when I'm around.

Not to worry.

I trust you.

Well, one way to ensure

privacy in this house

say you'll do the dishes,

everybody takes off

before you get a chance

to change your mind.

[both chuckle]

Hmm.

The men in this house

are behaving strangely.

Huh? What do you mean

strangely?

I'd say

it's, uh, downright familiar.

Well, what is it

with you guys, anyway?

First of all, Tommy shows up

for breakfast and he doesn't

eat a bite and Nicholas

doesn't even show up.

Yes, well, Tommy

and I are merely exhibiting

dissimilar symptoms

of the shared malady.

I beg your pardon?

Love, my dear.

Plays havoc

with the appetite.

[birds chirping]

[clattering]

Hey, that looks like you.

Thank you, sir.

It is me.

Can I buy it?

Then I'd really

be your first customer.

Of course.

That is it you really want to.

Nicholas, what in the world

would you do

with an oil painting?

Put it up in my room.

Next to my Wonder Frog poster.

Well, I'm flattered.

How much is it?

Well, how much

did you wanna spend?

Let's see.

Well, I only got

three cents with me

but I got cents

back home in my piggy bank.

'Is cents enough?'

Nicholas, are you sure

you wanna spend

that much money

on a painting?

Yeah, it's worth it.

Well, you're in luck.

The price is only cents.

I'll tell you what,

you can take it home with you

and bring the money

to school on Monday.

You can buy it on credit.

Okay, but I don't

have a credit card.

You've got something better,

an honest face.

Well, don't you have to give me

a bill or something?

I don't think that's really

necessary under

the circumstances.

Just a simple..

On the other hand,

this is a business arrangement

so I think a little

documentation is in order.

Here you are, Mr. Bradford.

A formal memorandum

of our transaction.

And a handshake

to seal a bargain.

- Bye, Ms. Hamilton.

- Bye.

[inhales sharply]

(whispers)

Hello, Dr. Maxwell.

This is Tommy Bradford.

Whispering?

[normal voice]

Who-who is whispering?

Yeah. Fine, fine.

Actually, not so fine.

You see, I hate to bother you

on a Saturday, but..

Yeah, I know I can tell you,

Dr. Maxwell, but..

Of course, you've been our

family doctor for years, but..

Well, you see, it's personal.

Extremely personal.

Much too personal

to discuss on the phone.

You could?

You would?

Oh, Dr. Maxwell.

That's terrific, thank you.

Alright, I'll see you

in about a half and hour.

Alright, bye.

[sighs]

You just saved my life.

[door slams]

Nicholas, can't you

just close the door?

I closed it, dad.

I even made sure.

Oh, well, next time

don't be so sure.

What's that

you got there, Nicholas?

- Could we see it?

- Just a picture.

Gee, I thought it was a pizza.

[chuckles]

Some pizza.

(Abby)

'I think it's very lovely.

Where did it come from?'

From, Italy. Where else?

Well, I sort of found it.

I'm gonna keep it up on my room

where they can't look at it.

Just make sure it's not

on my side of the room.

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

[groans]

Oh!

Well, you can stop worrying,

Tommy. It's not fatal.

You have a mild case

of gingivostomatitis.

[sighs]

Boy I thought you were

gonna say I had a trench mouth.

Tommy, gingivostomatitis

is trench mouth.

Trench mouth, I'm ruined.

Now, just hold on.

It's not that serious.

- Are you sure?

- Yes, I am sure.

Gingi.. Trench mouth

is the by-product

of fatigue, anxiety

and uh, poor nutrition.

You've been worrying

about anything, uh..

...staying up late,

eating lot of junk food?

- Yeah.

- Hm.

Alright, I'm gonna give

you prescription.

You have it filled out.

Follow the instructions

and try not to look so tragic.

Not to look so tragic.

Tomorrow night, I have a date

with Linda. The Linda Aimes.

Tomorrow night?

Well, let me put it

to you this way.

It's not highly contagious,

but it is mildly unpleasant.

So I suggest when

you see her to her door

you shake her hand.

She'll think you're a gentleman.

She'll think I'm an idiot.

Fill this out anyway.

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

Where have you been?

I've been calling

your house all day.

Around.

- What's that?

- Oh, nothing.

- Come on, let's go, Irving.

- I know who that is.

No, you don't know

nothing, Irving.

- Come on, let's go.

- Yes, I do.

No, you don't.

Lay off of me, Irving. Quit it!

Nicholas, Irving.

Stop it. Both of you.

Now, what's going on here?

What are you fighting about?

'Nicholas.'

Look what you did.

You ruined my whole picture

now it's all falling apart.

And it's all your fault,

Irving J. Moore.

I didn't mean to hurt

your dumb ol' paintin'.

What is all the ruckus about?

They gonna hear you

down at the state capital.

Tom, look at this.

Something's strange

is happening to this picture.

W-what are those, hands?

Don't you see? There's another

painting under the surface.

Another painting?

- No.

- Really curly.

- Joannie.

- Oh, come on.

Don't be a stick

in the mud, Mary.

Break out.

Try something new.

Something au courant, huh?

Oh, I know, I know.

How about a pyramid fur?

- Yeah.

- Joannie.

Will you just

trim the split ends

and spare me

the Vidal Sassoon routine?

Mary!

(Abby)

When the restoration

was complete, Viola!

A genuine Henri Matisse.

See, someone had

painted cows all over it.

Probably the hideout

from the Nazis or something.

No, no, no,

the Nazis occupied France

not Sacramento.

Wait a minute.

See, there are other

reasons for hiding

a valuable painting.

Customs, the IRS..

All I'm saying is that

maybe, we could have an expert

check out the value

of Nicholas' painting.

How about Alan Badger?

The art senator

of the registered?

No, he's in the hospital

with an ulcer.

Wait a minute,

speaking of hospitals

I do know an expert.

'And he makes house calls.'

- House calls?

- Hey, Mary, Mary.

Greg Maxwell is a qualified

odd Historian.

In fact, he's even

on the selection committee

at the county museum.

He should be able

to tell a difference

between a treasure and trash.

I'll go call him.

Go call him.

Did any of that

makes sense to you?

- Nazis?

- Yeah.

In Sacramento? Huh!

[chuckles]

[sighs]

Let's see.

Gargle three minutes

six times per day.

Ugh!

[sighing]

Here's lookin' at you, kid.

Anybody in here?

Hey, what's going on?

Hey, Tommy. Is that you?

[gargling]

Huh?

[gargling loudly]

(Susan)

'Well, how much longer

are you gonna be?'

[water splashes]

Oh, great. Takin' a shower.

Hey, call me

when you come out, huh?

[gargling]

Well, what do you think?

Does it meet

the Nicholas Bradford

peanut butter and jelly

sandwich seal of approval?

Nope, not enough peanut butter.

Oh, well,

I'm a little out of practice.

How about some milk

and cookies for dessert?

Don't you have any tea?

Since when do you drink tea?

David, how old do you

have to be to get married?

Married?

Nicholas, are you planning

to bite the b*llet?

Nah, I was just

wondering. Fourteen?

No, no, more like eighteen.

Eighteen.

I figured it'd be older.

Oh, Nicholas, wait a minute.

You don't even like girls.

- She's not a girl.

- Who's not a girl?

- No one.

- 'No one?'

Mm.

[laughs]

- Dr. Maxwell?

- Hi, Tommy.

Why are you here?

I, uh, came to see your father.

Oh, but you can't.

I mean, you promised.

What about doctor patient

confidentiality?

- Max, good to see you.

- Hey, how are you?

Tommy, please.

Do you mind letting

Dr. Maxwell in the house?

Uh, Max, it's right in here.

In the living room.

In the living room?

- Hi!

- Hi! Take a look at this.

Oh, interesting.

Easy. Almost unstudied.

Yet...the control

is obvious.

Somber tones.

Balanced use of light.

The, uh...technique employs

[indistinct]

Well, I'd say, it isn't much.

'The talent

is definitely genuine.'

So much for the "A"

I got in Art Appreciation.

Acrylic.

So that's why it chipped off.

Acrylic, then it's recent?

Oh, uh, the lady

is very much a contemporary

but, the child..

'...it's, uh, very difficult

to tell at this point.'

'You see, um,

once the oils are cured'

it's very difficult

to judge the age

without the special equipment.

But the hands

seem to belong

to that of a child.

See the ring,

rings on children's fingers

usually indicate royalty.

Then it's possible.

Oh, Abby,

anything is possible

but, I'm talking

speculation, not verification.

Frankly, Max, I don't know

what you're talking.

Could you be

a little less mystical.

I think you should

take this to a museum

and get an expert opinion.

You see, the, uh,

the style, the, uh, the color

the subject matter, all seem

to suggest that, uh..

...that this might,

just might..

'...be a very

valuable painting.'

Wa-wait a minute.

What's he talking about?

Now, two years back

they turned up a "Rembrandt"

that sold at auction

in London for over $. million.

Or was it pounds?

- $. million.

- . million pounds.

What's a pound worth anyway?

A dollar sixty eight, at the

current rate of exchange.

Wow, what's that figure

cut to be?

(Tommy)

'Two million one hundred'

and eighty four thousand

smackers.

Boy! That's a lot

of money for a pizza.

Yeah, I can't believe it.

A little twerp finds a painting

and it turns out to be

worth a couple a million.

We hope.

Dad's gonna have it upraised.

So, it's only worth

a measly million.

Let's see, divided by eight..

...that works out to a hundred

and twenty five grand a piece.

Hey! Haven't you left

a few people out?

There are ten of us

in this family.

David doesn't live here

and Nicholas.. sh**t!

Nicholas wouldn't know

what to do with a dollar

'much less, a hundred

and twenty-five thousand.'

- But it's his painting.

- Yeah.

(Tommy)

'So we'll

double his allowance.'

Just think a hundred

and twenty-five

thousand dollars.

My own Trans-Am.

Several Trans-Ams.

You know what

I've always wanted?

A different pair of shoes

for every day of the month.

Every month.

I wonder if John Travolta

could be bought.

Hm.

Yeah, my very own

day-care center.

Supplies, playgrounds,

staff full of experts.

Oh, can you imagine?

Producing, directing

and starring

in your own movie.

Yeah, a remake of "King Lear."

Why not remake "w*r And Peace"

while you're at it?

No, no.

No strong female role.

No, you guys

are really too much.

I mean, Dr. Maxwell mentions

that Nicholas' painting

just might happen

to be worth the money

and you guys

are already spending it.

Hey, Mary,

we're not spending it

we're just thinking

about spending it.

I think you guys

are being ridiculous

getting all worked up

about some silly pipe drea..

Hm.

I wonder what a nice, small..

...well-equipped

medical clinic would cost.

- I am starved.

- Yeah.

Well, how does

a nice fresh lobster

with a beautiful

dry white wine sound to you?

Ah. It sounds divine.

[knock on the door]

Come in.

How come my picture

was down in the living room?

Oh, hi, Nicholas.

We were showing it

to Dr. Maxwell.

He thinks that we should

bring it down to the museum

and have the expert

there examine it.

Did you know that your painting

might be very valuable?

Sure, it's valuable.

I could have told you that.

Oh, you, well, I'm not as smart

about these things as you are.

So that's why I thought

we should consult

with Dr. Maxwell.

How come nobody

consults with me?

Listen, I understand

how you feel, Nicholas

and I would have

consulted with you if..

Oh, looks like

I'm playing to an empty house.

[instrumental music]

[coins clinking]

[music continues]

[birds chirping]

[music continues]

(Nancy)

'Well, I don't think

we should even tell him.'

(Susan)

'What do you mean,

don't tell him?'

(Nancy)

'He's a little kid.'

'What does he need

a painting for?'

'I bet he'll swap it tomorrow

for baseball cards.'

(Susan)

'What are you suggesting?'

(Nancy)

'That we take it away from him'

'before he does

something dumb with it.'

[music continues]

Don't worry,

I'll take you some place

where they won't find you.

[instrumental music]

Bye bye, Francine.

- Hi, David.

- Hi, hi. Is dad around?

No, he and Abby

went out to dinner.

Their weekly escape.

Any idea where he keeps

my fly rod he borrowed?

No, but as soon

as we sell Nicholas' painting

you can buy

a dozen fly rods.

Are you kidding.

I've seen how Nicholas paints.

He'd be lucky to sell them

for a dozen dead flies.

Hey, Nicholas didn't paint it.

He found it.

And it's some

monetary masterpiece.

An economic work of art.

A financial fresco.

Fresco's are painted

on walls, you dummy.

So I'm a business man,

not an art critic.

Will somebody please

tell me what's going on?

Oh yeah, the Bradford gallery

is now open. Come on.

Yeah, take a look.

Hey! Somebody moved it.

Oh, I bet Nicholas just

took it back up to his room.

I'll go get it.

Hey, would you check

dad's closet

see if my fly rod's in it?

Relax, David, I told you

we'd buy you a dozen of 'em.

Wouldn't help.

Dad will just borrow

them all and forget

to bring them back.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, oh yeah,

that looks good. Thanks.

Now, the lobster sounds good.

Well, it ought to be

with its prices.

Well, if we were like

our free-spending kids

I would just order

the whole menu A La Car.

Did you hear

Joannie this afternoon?

She was asking

about the cost

of renting a theater,

an entire theater.

At least, she's renting.

Nancy is spending

the money that she doesn't have

on actual purchases

on way or way.

Hm, maybe, we shouldn't

have told them anything

about the painting until we knew

for sure just what it was worth.

Let 'em dream.

It's cheaper than rock concerts,

movies or disco dancing.

I wonder what could have

happened to it?

Hey, the painting's

not up there.

What do you mean

it's not up there?

Did you look in Nicholas'

secret hiding place?

Yeah and every place else.

You don't suppose

we had a burglar?

A burglar?

Nicholas, we have

some bad news for you.

Yeah, we're afraid

a burglar took our picture

right out of the living room.

It's wasn't our picture.

And it wasn't any burglar.

You mean you took it?

No, you took it,

and I took it back and hid it.

Where, Nicholas?

Where'd you hide it?

In a secret hiding place

that nobody ever had before.

Come on, Nicholas,

we're a family.

Yeah, share and share alike.

Uh-uh, I'm not showing

nothing like. So there.

Oh, come on, Nicholas.

[indistinct chatter]

- Hm.

- Hm.

Well, shall we drift back

to fantasy island?

Can I finish

my coffee first?

Hm, oh, I'm sorry.

I was so relaxed.

I didn't even realize.

It's okay.

It's relaxing,

not being

barraged by another

spending scheme.

You know, I've been thinking

Joannie really

doesn't need a theater

but wouldn't it be nice

if she can take in

the Shakespeare festival

at Stratford this summer?

Yeah, but it might be even

better if we could remodel

the attic and she'd have

a room of her own.

Give them all rooms

of their own.

- Ah! And another bathroom.

- Hm.

[music continues]

Look at us.

It's contagious.

[chuckles]

Remind me to call

Max in the morning.

- About the appraisal?

- No.

About performing a fantasectomy

on the whole family.

A fantis.. What?

A "Fantasectomy."

It's just

like an "Appendectomy"

but you take away the fantasy

instead of the appendix.

- I've never heard that word.

- Of course, not.

- I created it.

- I thought so.

[laughing]

Don't you see, Nicholas?

You're gonna be depriving

all of mankind

of part of their

cultural heritage.

Now, do you want

that on your conscience?

Well, I guess it's okay.

Oh, Joannie, I don't think

that arguments gonna work.

I mean, you have

to deal in terms

of Nicholas'

own self-interest.

Watch me.

Be reasonable, Nicholas.

'Now, we can't live in a house

with a million dollar painting.'

We would have to install

a complete security system.

Now, would you like to have

to use a password every time

you enter your own bedroom, huh?

Yeah, that'd be great.

And then, only me and Tommy

would know

the secret passwords.

So we can get away

from our three pushy sisters.

- Three? Pushy?

- Sisters.

[sighs]

What?

Alright, kid. Where did you

stash the painting?

We have ways

to make you talk, you know?

What ways?

Do you remember

that "Fu-man-chu" movie?

'The one with the crocodiles?'

And it made you sleep

with the lights on

for a whole month?

Alright, no more crocodiles.

Please, no more.

The picture is..

It's under Tommy's bed.

Alright.

(Elizabeth)

'It's not here.'

This squirt's been watching

movies we haven't even seen.

- And yeah after all--

- Hold it. Now, one at a time.

Are you tellin' me

that Nicholas is gone?

No, dad, the painting's gone,

Nicholas is in his playhouse.

He ran out

and locked himself in

'after Elizabeth and Tommy

tried to t*rture him.'

- t*rture him?

- It was just talk.

(Tommy)

'Yeah, that was our

big mistake.'

We should have tortured

first and talked later.

Well, I better go negotiate.

Watch it, dad,

he's acting weird.

I think he got

hit on the head

or he's coming down

with something.

Coming down with something?

Yeah, a locked jaw.

[knock on the door]

Go away.

Nicholas, this is your father,

now let me in.

- No.

- Now, Nicholas.

I'm too tired

for huffing and puffing.

Hi.

Well, uh, do you mind

if I sit down?

- No chairs.

- Oh.

Well, uh, that's no problem.

Gee! You must be desperate.

You haven't hidden out

in this place since the time

I put your pet plant

to sleep, you remember that?

What's the problem?

They all want

to steal my painting.

Oh no, they don't

want to steal it.

They wanna take it to the museum

and have it appraised.

'It could mean a lot

to the family, Nicholas.'

It already means a lot to me.

I know, it's just that..

If the painting

is worth what Dr. Maxwell

thinks it might be worth,

it could change your whole life.

- Seems different already.

- 'Yeah, I know.'

What's happening?

I don't wanna go to some museum

and see my own painting.

But the museum

is not gonna keep it

they're just gonna examine it.

- Will they hurt it?

- Oh, no.

They're gonna take

very good care of it.

In fact, you can

come down there and watch.

'What do you say?'

Well..

But, dad, you can't.

The painting isn't

safe with Nicholas.

That's enough.

Now, Nicholas has agreed

to have the painting appraised.

And I agree that nobody

else in the family

would touch it until then.

So that's the ball game.

Oh, but, dad, what if it turns

out to be worth a million?

One step at a time, Susan.

One step at a time.

Just sit back and relax.

And enjoy your taco orgy.

Hey, hey, hey,

let's hear it for the chef.

[all]

Let's hear it for the chef.

[cheering]

- Thank you, thank you.

- Thank you.

- Hey, I had a good idea.

- What?

With all the money

that we're gonna make

why don't we hire

some poor starving artist

and paint a copy of the picture

and then we'll switch it

on Nicholas and he'll never

know the difference.

Oh, tacky, Tommy,

really tacky.

Hm.

What's the matter,

bite your tongue?

Yeah, I-I bit my tongue.

Hey, Tommy, I was looking

for your shampoo

and I found this. Uh, it says

gargle six times a day.

What's the matter, you got,

tonsillitis or something?

Uh, no, It's not tonsillitis.

Dr. Maxwell says

I have this rare disease

and I shouldn't eat crunchy

foods for a couple of days.

I guess I forgot.

What rare disease?

Says here on the bottle,

"Gingevius Termotitus."

Ginger-whata-mius?

Trench mouth?

- Ugh!

- Yuck, gross.

Ew, I think I'll go

upstairs and boil my teeth.

[all retching]

Hey, it's not contagious.

If anybody blabs to Linda Aimes,

I'm gonna use your tooth brush!

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

"Balance due from Nicholas

for painting, cents K.H."

[music continues]

It's been a hard day

huh, Nicholas?

[music continues]

Oh, Tom,

we may have another problem.

Oh, keep it. We've used

our quota through .

No, listen.

Nicholas, doesn't

really own the painting.

[instrumental music]

(Susan)

'You mean,

Nicholas stole the painting?'

No, he bought it. The problem

is he didn't pay for it.

- Oh, dad, are you sure?

- Yeah.

I saw the bill of sale

it says

"Balance due, cents."

Fifty cents on margin

that's the best investment

the shrimp will ever make.

Who is the bill from, Abby?

It was signed K.H.

K.H, K.H, who?

Who's that? Um..

...I.M, Irving Moore.

K.P.L, Kenny Peat Landers.

Who else, you guys.

Who else?

Face it, Joannie, we just don't

know every kid Nicholas knows.

Well, then we'll just

have to find that kid

pay him the cents

and the painting will

belong to Nicholas, and us.

Unless, of course,

that child never had permission

from his parents to sell

the painting in the first place.

I say we get

Nicholas down here

and make him tell us

who he bought it from.

Yeah, we almost

had Nicholas talking

when we threatened him

with crocodiles.

No more crocodiles now.

- How about trench mouth?

- What?

Forget it, dad.

Let's forget everything,

except sleep, alright?

I'll talk to Nicholas

in the morning.

In the mean time, I don't

want anybody harassing Nicholas.

- Is that clear?

- Yes, daddy, sure.

[instrumental music]

[cat meowing]

[music continues]

[gargling]

Come on, Tommy.

First you wake us up then

you contaminate our bathroom.

Just knock it off

or I'll breathe on you.

'At least, trench mouth

is good for a little privacy.'

Wait till you see

how much privacy

you get from Linda Aimes.

[laughs]

[birds chirping]

Nicholas,

how about a little breakfast?

Out here?

Well, I thought you might

enjoy eating in privacy.

But, Tommy's the one

with the trench mouth.

Boy, good news travels fast.

Hey, would it be

alright if I had

a little talk with you

over breakfast?

Well, alright.

[birds chirping]

[scraping]

Okay.

Now, Nicholas..

...now that we know that

you didn't find that painting

I've gotta find out

who sold it to you.

I can't tell you.

Please, Nicholas,

there's a lot at stake here.

I'm gonna have to

talk to your friend, K.H.

- No, don't! You can't!

- Now, listen to me, Nicholas.

Suppose the painting

is worth a lot of money

we've gotta find out

who it really belongs to.

'That's only fair

to your friend.'

- Do you think she'll get mad?

- "She?"

Look, don't ask me

any more questions.

Wait a minute. Why not?

Because you'll laugh,

and spoil everything!

Oh, no, Nicholas,

I wouldn't laugh.

Believe me,

I'd never laugh at you.

Ms. Hamilton sold it to me.

Ms. Hamilton?

- Your teacher?

- Yeah.

She is kinda pretty

and she does

smile a lot with her eyes.

And she did let me

clean out all the erasers.

Oh. Wow!

She must like you an awful lot.

You really think so?

Well, she did let me drink tea

out of those little

skinny cups, you know?

And she did trust me to bring

back that money that I owed her.

Wow.

She's gonna like you even more

if we're honest with her

about the painting!

Dad, are you gonna tell anyone

that we like each other?

No, that's our secret!

Does Ms. Hamilton have

to know that I like her?

- I won't tell her.

- Never?

- 'Never.'

- Ever?

- Ever.

- Good.

Then I won't tell her either

unless she decides to marry

that creep, Mr. Andrews

'before I grew all up.'

Did you find out anything?

Oh, Abby, this involves

a lot more than a painting.

Does it involve

the mysterious K.H.?

I'm sorry, but Nicholas

swore me to absolute secrecy.

Man talk, huh?

Yeah, you wouldn't

believe how manly.

Hm.

(Tommy)

'Look, Linda,

how can I go out with you'

'if I have appendicitis?'

No, I did not have my appendix

taken out last year.

Linda?

Linda?

Why doesn't he just

tell her the truth?

Are you kidding?

He'd rather have them take out

his appendix out again.

Bye.

[birds chirping]

[engine rumbling]

[doorbell dings]

- Yes?

- Oh, hello, Ms. Hamilton.

Oh, wait. I think I know you.

Weren't you here last week,

trying to list my house?

- I'm really not int--

- No, no, we did meet once.

But it was at, uh,

parent's night.

Of course, there were

of us and only one of you.

I'm Tom Bradford,

Nicholas' father.

Oh, of course. Nicholas.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Bradford

but it seems that every time

this doorbell rings, I..

Oh, please, come in,

won't you?

Oh, sure. Thank you.

- Have a seat.

- Thanks.

Can I get you something?

Some tea?

Oh, no, thank you.

Although I hear that you have

some very nice china.

[laughs]

I'm glad Nicholas liked it.

And I can assure you,

the tea was mostly milk.

Oh, what I'm really

concerned with

is the painting

that he bought from you.

Is it true that he hasn't

actually paid you for that yet?

Oh, I hope you didn't

come all this way

just to bring me cents.

Oh, no, no, no,

I-I-I came to tell you

that I, I think it's worth

a lot more than that.

A few dollars, maybe,

for paint and canvas..

Tch, but Nicholas

was so eager to have it, and..

Well, as the artist,

I was flattered

that he could see

the resemblance.

Y-y-you're the artist?

I probably shouldn't acknowledge

a very bad self-portrait.

'But Nicholas

recognized it was me.'

I guess a nine-year-old

boy with a crush

is both blind and all-seeing.

I-if Nicholas should ask,

be sure you tell him

that you said crush

and that I denied it

on a stack of Bibles.

Ms. Hamilton,

t-the self portrait

that you did on that canvas

was on top

of another painting.

What was that?

Yes, La Enfonta.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, a child.

The daughter of a Spanish king.

Uh, th century.

You mean that you painted

over an old master?

Hardly. I painted over

my bad copy of an old master.

I could hardly wait to cover

it up with a self portrait.

I see.

You painted both.

Mr. Bradford,

what's this all about?

Oh, well, it-it's about..

...a very young boy..

...and a very special lady

and some tea,

and some sympathy.

Deborah Kerr did it better.

Oh, no, Ms. Hamilton.

I doubt that.

I doubt that very much.

[instrumental music]

[birds chirping]

[engine rumbling]

- Well, did you see her?

- Uh-huh.

Well, does she want

the painting back?

No, Nicholas,

it's yours to keep.

- Thanks, dad.

- That's alright.

It's my pleasure

to help you, Nicholas.

You know, not only

are you an astute patron

of the arts,

but you are an exceptional judge

'of exceptional ladies.'

Did you like Ms. Hamilton?

Oh, yes. Yes, I liked her.

In fact, if I were

nine years old and single..

Mm.

So, there you have it.

The painting is of no value

to anybody, except Nicholas.

[indistinct chatter]

Then why did

he make such a fuss

about where he got

the darn thing?

Oh, that doesn't matter.

What really does matter

is that the painting

was Nicholas', it is Nicholas'

and it will remain Nicholas'.

'Where he got it

is his business.'

And why he likes it,

it's his secret.

(Joanie)

'Oh, well.'

Producing my own movie

might have just diverted me

from perfecting my art, anyway.

Right. I couldn't

start the clinic

for, oh, another seven

or eight years, anyway.

John Travolta

eat your heart out.

- John Travolta?

- Yeah. Poor guy.

Somebody's gotta tell him

that he'll have

to tour Europe without me.

This year.

(Tom)

'Try it.'

'Mm.'

Do you think she'll wait

till I grow up?

Oh, I don't think so, Nicholas.

Not that she wouldn't

want to, it's just that

'it's gonna take you

quite a while.'

She knows that you would miss

an awful lot

if you tried to hurry.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Everyone says mixed marriages

are kinda rough.

Well, I better

catch up with Dermot

before the team gets

short-staffed with someone else!

[instrumental music]

Someday, when you

speak of this..

...and you will..

...please be kind.

Thanks.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Ms. Linda Aimes.

- Hi, Linda.

- Hi.

- 'Hey.'

- Linda.

(Tommy)

'What are you doing here?'

I just wanted to talk

to Tommy about all that rubbish

he tried to feed me

on the phone this morning.

Well?

Oh, come on, Linda.

What do you want me to tell you?

The truth.

What's the real

reason you can't

'take me to the

film festival tonight?'

He just couldn't bring

himself to tell you

that he has gingivistomatitis.

Trench mouth? Big deal.

It's not contagious, you know.

Tonight, however, you'll have

to settle for holding hands.

'We'll pretend

you're a gentleman.'

A gentleman? Tommy?

Lots of luck!

Unless love is blind.

[theme music]

[music continues]