Tommy, can I ask
you a question?
Would it do me any good
if I said no?
No, when you were my age
did you know what you wanted
to be when you grow up?
Now, let's see, I think
I wanted to be a fireman
or an astronaut.
'No, I was going through
my gangster phase.'
I definitely wanted
to be a crook.
My friend, Freddy Ryan,
says if you don't know
what you wanna be at
the end of first grade
they won't let you go
into the fifth grade.
Ah, no. That rule doesn't
apply in California.
I mean you'd in real trouble,
if you're in some place like
uh, Nebraska or Pittsburgh.
Well, thanks, Tommy.
Hey, Nicholas.
Yeah?
- You got any ideas?
- About what?
About what you wanna be?
A fifth grader!
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
♪ There's a magic in the early
morning we found ♪
♪ When the sunrise ♪
♪ Smiles on everything around ♪
♪ It's a portrait
of the happiness ♪
♪ That we feel
and always will ♪
♪ For eight is enough ♪
♪ To fill our lives with love ♪
♪ Oh we spend our days ♪
♪ Like bright and shiny
new dimes ♪
♪ If we're ever puzzled ♪
♪ By the changing time ♪
♪ There's a plate
of homemade wishes ♪
♪ On the kitchen windowsill ♪
♪ And eight is enough ♪
♪ To fill our lives with love ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Boy, peeling potatoes
has got to be pits.
Potatoes do not have pits.
Wanna cut fishes?
Not those eyes
staring at me.
You know, Mary,
how can you do it?
This is nothing compared to what
I have to do in anatomy class.
We have this cadaver,
and his name is Herbert
talk about letting it
all hang out--
Hey, I don't wanna hear
about it before dinner..
I don't wanna hear
about it ever.
"I know, it's amazing!"
"I mean, we've just met
and I feel like
I've known you
my entire life."
"I've felt so right,
so comfortable
with anyone before ever!"
"This may sound crazy, but..
...I think I'm in
love with you."
Great play. It's great!
Well, I hope your lover
doesn't have a worm.
In her last play,
the lover was a worm.
Oh, you guys are pretty
funny, yeah.
Yu know, this is an original
student play.
It's about this relationship,
a very special relationship
between a married man
and a lonely woman.
I play the woman.
That's creative.
"Symbol of Love" happens
to be the best most
sensitive contemporary play
I've read in a long time.
Symbol of love?
Sounds more like
a p*rn movie.
A p*rn movie? Joannie, are
you doing a skin flick?
I thought you'd have
learned your lesson when
you did that
play in the nude.
Sounds creative.
Oh, boy, you know the trouble
with this family?
No one has any appreciation
for the fine arts.
Yeah, everyone keeps
writing phone messages
on my finger paintings!
Right.
Philistines.
Yeah, phil-ph-fillers..
You better lay off that one
if this your fifth grade word.
Just you wait.
[instrumental music]
Hey, hi, Susan. Wanna go
for a little one on one?
I'm not in the mood.
You wanna sh**t
a couple of baskets?
Oh, forget it!
What happened to my
sister, the jock?
Yea, some jock.
So you fell off the trampoline,
Susan, anybody can do that.
Could anybody land
on the judge?
Ah, forget it, Susie,
forget it!
I mean, just 'cause you lost one
gymnastics meet, doesn't mean
you've to swear off sports.
Hey, it's been your whole life.
Hey, don't mention my life,
it happens to be over.
Oh, too bad they don't
give gold medals
in feeling sorry for yourself.
I could see this coming.
I mean, sooner or later
Susan had to find out
that she wasn't
exactly Bruce Jenner.
- Yeah, who is she?
- Who knows?
She's never tried
anything but sports.
Well, there must be something
else she could do
that involves physical
activity.
There is. You could be parks
and recreation director
or a lifeguard.
Or what about a cop?
They get to run a lot.
You could join the marines,
the army?
Elizabeth.
How about a Girl Scout leader?
Or what about a cop?
They get to jump fences.
Well, there's always
marriage and children.
Are you kidding? After
growing up in this zoo?
Or what about a cop?
They get to race cars.
Or maybe while you are trying
to decide you should see
'one of the career counselors
at school.'
- I did once.
- Did it help?
Definitely. I decided never
to become a career counselor.
[mumbling]
Or what about a cop?
Yeah, a cop.
Well, that sounds
great, Patty.
Yeah, I can hardly wait.
Okay. Okay, I'll talk
to you later then.
Bye-bye.
[keys jingling]
- Hi, dad.
- Oh, hi.
- How are you?
- I'm good.
- Can I take that for you?
- Uh...yeah.
I bet you had a hard day
at work, didn't you?
- It was hard..
- Oh!
Aren't you supposed to be
on a job interview, right now?
Well, dad, uh...I cancelled it.
You cancelled it?
In fact I'm never going on
an another job interview again.
I'm opening up
my own business.
A day-care center.
What do you know about
day-care centers?
Dad, I grew up in one.
Yeah, well, growing up
in one doesn't mean
that you're qualified
to run one.
Why do you always have to see
the negative side of
things, huh?
Because I'm a father, that's
my official business.
I mean, really, read
the father's manual.
It said chapter ten,
paragraph sixty six
"Always be negative,
b*at fate to the punch."
I'm sorry, that what it said.
I can't help it.
Look, I admit that since
I quit school
I've had some troubles
keeping a job.
But not anymore.
Self employment is the answer.
Besides, at least
I can't get fired.
Hmm, but there are worse
things than getting fired.
Like going bankrupt.
'I-I just don't think
you realize '
the responsibilities
you'd be taking on.
Do you know what
you have to do?
You'd have to rent
a location, hire a staff
'get permits,
solicit customers.'
No problem, dad.
Patty Hoffman, my partner,
has taken care of everything.
Her dad's got this old vacant
house he's gonna let us use.
And Patty's already got
six kids lined up.
We open next Monday.
Oh, I guess there's
nothing I can say
to discourage you from
this little venture.
So let me remind you of
the old Bradford tradition.
Which one?
- Which one?
- Yes.
If you make a commitment,
see it through.
Do the best you can and give
it everything you've got!
Of course I'm gonna give it
everything I've got!
That's what the boss ordered.
And I'm the boss.
And I'm the skeptic.
- Susan fell off a what?
- Trampoline.
Oh, did she hurt herself?
Yeah, she shattered
her self-image.
Oh, that must be embarrassing.
No, it was worse.
I mean, she fell flat on
the truth about herself.
If you're not a sport star
by the time you're
you might as well
just forget it.
Well, she can't forget
her whole life.
- I better talk to her--
- Oh, no. You can't, dad.
She's out.
Trying to find herself.
Who's out trying
to find herself?
Susan!
Well, I could've told you where
she was before she left.
- Where was that, Nicholas?
- In the bathroom, crying.
Just when I needed it.
Hi, everybody.
- Hi.
- Hi, Susan, how did it go?
- You're not gonna believe it.
- Believe what?
- It's perfect.
- What's perfect?
The career counselor at school
found the perfect solution.
Police work, law enforcement.
I knew I had a good idea!
Boy, and I'm still
a fourth grader.
You are going to become
a policewoman?
Oh, only for little
while, dad, after school.
And then maybe..
...Secret Service or the F.B.I.?
Or Charlie's Angels?
For sure.
I-I don't see
what's so funny?
(Tom)
Neither do I!
Have you given this
serious thought?
I mean, as serious as
possible considering
you got the idea
half hour ago.
Sure, dad.
I mean, it's perfect.
It's full of variety,
it's exciting
plenty of physical activity.
Yeah, you'll get to jump
fences and race cars.
Ah, Nicholas, eat your
mashed potatoes.
Don't you realize how
dangerous it is?
Oh, come on, dad,
now a days
eating and breathing
is dangerous.
I don't see what
the big deal is?
I mean, it's a growing field
with room for advancement.
Well, they're growing
fine without you.
Oh, I think it's great, now,
if I wanna start driving
I can get all my
traffic tickets fixed.
Oh, yeah. Me, too.
Well, I can see,
I'm not gonna get
any support from this family,
and quite frankly
that suits me...just fine.
Oh..
[instrumental music]
(Joannie)
'Susan, uh...this is
not working out!'
[indistinct chatter]
No! No! Ah..
I can't study lines being
dragged around the house.
Ah, go ahead and desert me.
I'll pass the exam with
or without your help.
- Yeah.
- 'Hey, guys.'
- What is going on in here?
- Yeah.
I was practicing
dragging a dead weight
for the police exam but Joannie
refuses to play dead.
Don't look at me.
Or me.
Eh, you guys
are too light, anyway.
I need a -pound dummy.
I've got just the person
for you.
But you can't do this to me.
Do you want to go peacefully,
or I'll have to use force.
I thought you were
using force.
I have not yet begun
to use force.
- No kidding.
- Come on, act dead.
- But I'm too young to die.
- Come on, die!
You're crazy.
[crickets chirping]
[telephone ringing]
I've got you. You said
you were gonna call right back.
You know, I've dying to hear
the scoop on Shelly Ross.
Oh, sorry, yeah.
Just a second.
Nancy, Nancy?
- Yes.
- For you.
Oh, thanks.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Patty.
What do you mean we can't have
the house for another week?
Oh, well,
so we won't flush the toilets?
You wanna use this place?
Uh, I don't know, Patty.
Well, my father did say
to give it all I've got.
I guess
that includes my house.
Yeah, okay.
I'll see you tomorrow.
[instrumental music]
Hi, dad.
Bye, dad.
Hi. Where are you
off to so early?
To get in some more training.
Oh, what is it this time?
Fence jumping or rope climbing?
r*pe defense.
Dad, can I talk to you
for a second?
It's really important.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Go ahead, what is it?
[doorbell rings]
Well, um, it's like this. Uh..
Would you mind
answering the door?
Dad, I think I better say
what I have to say first.
Nancy, it's not polite
to keep people waiting.
- Dad..
- Just hang on, will you?
Dad..
Before you open that door,
I've got to tell you something.
Just hang on one second.
[children screaming]
Paul is susceptible to cold,
so keep him out of the drafts
and make sure
he wears these outside.
Jason is allergic
to strawberries and cats.
You don't have cats,
do you?
If he starts sneezing,
make sure he gets
this medicine at noon
and :.
Laurie is on a diet.
'So make sure she doesn't eat
anymore than what's in here'
even if she begs or bites.
Bites?
[children screaming]
That's what I was
trying to tell you.
[indistinct chatter]
Explain.
I was trying to.
Uh, Patty's father's house
needs some minor repairs
for inspection before
we can get our license.
So I just--
So you just went ahead
and volunteered our house.
Well, I had no choice.
Besides, I couldn't
very well leave these
little darlings
with no place to go, could I?
Nancy, this is not a social
agency, this is a house.
A very full house.
What about
that old Bradford tradition?
Well, just remind me
never to remind you
of any old Bradford traditions.
They always come back
to haunt me.
Alright, you can have
one week, but that's it.
[children yelling]
Okay, kids, let's settle down.
Come on.
Let's get in the living room
and get organized.
Alright--
- We wanna play!
- I know you wanna play.
[telephone ringing]
Hello.
Oh, hi, Patty.
Yeah, the kids are all here.
Where are you?
You have the what?
The flu!
Yeah, I guess I can fend
for myself for a few days.
Do me a favor, would ya?
Get well soon.
I gotta go to the bathroom?
Oh, you do, huh?
Well, it's the first door
to your left, up the stairs.
My mommy always takes me.
But I'm not your mommy.
I want my mommy.
Oh, that makes two of us, kid.
That makes two of us.
Don't cry, don't cry.
I'll take you.
Just don't cry, whatever you do,
just don't cry, okay?
Nicholas,
how would like to take
my little friend
to the bathroom, huh?
Can't he go by himself?
He's not a big boy
like you are.
Big boy, huh?
Alright, come on, champ.
I'll show you where it is.
[children clamoring]
Let's sit down.
Down, guys!
Oh, don't-don't pull my hair.
I-I..
[indistinct chatter]
[groans]
One minute fifty two seconds.
Oh, no.
I'm eight seconds short.
Let's do it again.
Alright,
but this is the last time.
I've gotta get to class.
- Okay, okay.
- Okay, go.
Get up there.
[grunting]
What are you two doing?
Just hanging around.
How's Nancy doing downstairs?
All well, all things considered,
I guess.
- That bad, huh?
- Yeah.
You-guys are ruining
my concentration.
Well, excuse me,
I'll just get out of the way.
Angie Dickinson is all yours.
- But, watch it, she cheats.
- Yeah.
She cheats. Alright, you're not
gonna cheat this time.
Angie, ready.
Up and at 'em.
[grunting]
This looks terrible.
(Nancy)
'What? Well, I'm trying to feed
them at once right now'
'but they're having
cookie fights.'
Yeah. Well, you gotta see it
to believe it.
Look, I gotta go.
One of them is crying right now.
Okay. I'll talk to you later.
Bobbie, what's the matter,
why are you crying, huh?
I don't like
peanut butter and jelly.
I want some cookies.
Boys, why don't you share
your cookies with Bobbie, huh?
- No!
- No!
Don't you think
you've had enough?
- No!
- No!
Jodie, look at your face.
Come on let's wash your hand,
your mom is gonna k*ll me.
Look at your clothes.
Oh, God.
Does this belong to you?
Where did you find him?
Behind the couch
in the sun porch.
Nancy, it is really getting hard
to find any peace
and quiet around here.
I am sorry.
You shouldn't run off
like that, Michael.
- I'm Paul.
- I'm Michael.
(Bobbie)
'I want a cookie.'
Oh, no.
Someone's missing.
Laurie's is under the table.
Why is Laurie under the table?
Laurie, get out
from under the table.
You shouldn't be eating
potato chips. You're on a diet.
[sighs]
Alright, everybody.
It's nap time.
It's nap time.
We already had a nap.
[laughs]
Well, we're gonna have
another one.
- We wanna play.
- 'You wanna play.'
Okay, everybody.
Nap time's over.
[whistles]
It's play time.
Follow me.
[whistles]
Don't run,
you're gonna fall!
Little girl, little girl.
No, no, no.
Susan. Susan.
[clamoring]
Susan, you're just the person
I wanted to see.
Oh, come on, Nancy. Now why you
got all these kids out here for?
I need you to take care
of 'em for about an hour.
I gotta find this plumber
to fix a leaking toilet.
No way, I mean,
what do you think
I got all these stuff
out here for?
I'm taking an exam tomorrow.
What are they doing?
Believe me. You won't even know
they're here.
What do you mean
I won't even see them
while they're all going through
my legs from all over the place?
Thanks, I will
never forget this.
[children screaming]
Nancy!
Okay, okay.
Get down!
Down, dow--
Down!
'You two,
where are you going?'
Now, we're gonna have
some attention here!
[whistles]
'Oh, come on, you guys.'
Hey, Susan,
you need some help?
Oh, Nicolas, you think
you can handle it?
Yeah, they're just kids.
Well, they're all yours.
Hey, anyone of you boys
wanna go to the bathroom?
Oh, David, thank you
for letting me use your place.
The house is turning into
a three-ring circus.
You don't know.
Are we agreed on the terms?
Yes, sir.
I'll leave the key
under the mat
I bring my own food
and I'm out by Sunday.
- Right, right.
- Okay.
One other thing.
I'm expecting
a few business calls.
Uh-huh.
So you can leave the messages
on this.
Okay.
As a matter of fact,
check it when you get here
because I might have
something to say to you.
Yes sir, you got it.
[chuckles]
Okay.
- Bye-bye.
- Okay, bye.
Thank you, thank you.
Really, you don't know.
I'll remember you on Broadway.
- Bye.
- 'Bye-bye.'
[sighs]
Okay.
[telephone ringing]
Uh-oh.
David?
David!
Hang on, hold on.
Hello.
Yeah, this is David Bradford's
residence.
I'm Joannie Bradford,
the sister.
Really, scout's honor.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, I'll give him
the message, Alyssa. Bye.
Whoo.
Some business call.
Okay. What is this?
- Hi, dad.
- Oh, where are you off to now?
Off to find a six-foot wall
to scale.
Oh, gosh.
When are you gonna start
leaping tall buildings
in a single bound?
Dad, when are you
gonna accept the fact
that I'm serious about this?
You really wanna do this, huh?
Would I be scaling
six-foot walls if I weren't?
I don't know.
Don't worry. Okay?
Okay?
(Tom)
'I'm home.'
In here, Tom.
Oh!
Am I in the right house?
After this morning
I expected chaos.
Oh, if you'd been here a little
early, you would've gotten it.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I'll take a rain check.
You know, Nancy has a really
interesting way with those kids.
How so?
Well, see, every time
they wouldn't what she wanted
which was most of the time
she'd just yell out "nap time."
Oh, she picked that up
from me.
I used it as a ploy whenever
Joan was out of the house.
Never worked for me though.
Don't feel bad,
it didn't work for her, either.
Oh, well,
another Bradford tradition
taking on a new life.
Hello. Anybody home?
Hi, David.
Nicholas, where is everybody?
Asleep.
At
Yeah.
How come?
Shrimps.
Shrimps?
Oh-oh, you mean the kids
at Nancy's daycare center.
Yeah, the place is crawlin'
with 'em.
Well, I guess this isn't the
time to bum a meal.
There's shrimp prints
on the fridge.
Shrimps prints.
Of course.
Hi, family.
Bye, family.
It's been lovely.
Lovely.
Hi, dad.
Oh, wish me luck.
Oh, yeah. Good luck.
But wha-what am I
wishing you luck for?
I'm about to take
the police exam.
I take it back.
Oh.
You're still here.
You want something to eat?
Zappy's.
I'm sorry
we don't have any...Zappy's.
Good morning, dad.
Hi.
Well, I'm glad to see you two
are becoming good friends.
- Nancy.
- Yeah.
Can I see you for a moment?
Sure.
Excuse me, I'll be right back.
Something the matter?
Do you realize I just excused
myself to a five year old?
That's not the point.
The point is when we
let him stay here
for dinner last night
that was above and beyond
the call of duty.
But letting him spend the night
don't you think
that's really overdoing it?
But dad, it wasn't my fault
his mother couldn't get
over here to pick him up.
Her car broke down.
Plus she's having problems
with her ex-husband.
May I remind you?
We're not running a home
for wayward children.
This is a daycare center,
not an orphanage.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I promise,
it won't ever happen again.
Can I at least give him
breakfast?
Yeah, you can try
but he doesn't have
too much to say.
Although, he did manage
to convey the fact
that we weren't using
his kind of cereal.
And yet
he kept eying the toy
surprise in our cereal.
Uh...don't pout, dad
I'll buy another one.
Hey, what's going on?
Stay out.
'What do you mean stay out?'
Nicholas, this room is % mine.
Oh. It's just you.
What do you mean
it's just me?
I live here, remember?
I thought it wasn't safe.
Any of those shrimps
with ya?
No shrimps, I promise.
Okay.
Hey, you're really building
yourself quite a fortress here.
Yeah, well, a guy can't live
around little kids all his life.
Yeah, now you understand
my problem.
- Huh?
- Oh, skip it.
Anyway, when Susan passes
her police exam
we'll have some law
and order around here.
When does she find out?
Today.
I sure hope so.
I cant take much more of this.
- Hi, Susan.
- Hi.
Is somethin' wrong?
Yeah, I'm a woman.
So, since when
is that a crime.
Since men started judging
the police applicants.
Oh.
I guess
you didn't pass, huh?
Well, what do you expect
from a group
of male chauvinists?
Oh, wait a minute, are you
sure that's the reason?
Oh, what else could it be?
I mean the written exam
wasn't that hard.
I admit the agility test
was no piece of cake
but I did it in the allotted
amount of time.
'Okay, so it took me two times'
'to cross the balance beam
and scale the wall'
but you're allowed two times.
What you have here is a clear
case of male chauvinism.
That's a pretty
strong accusation.
Come on, Abby.
It's a male dominated
world, face it.
[instrumental music]
Telephone's right around
the corner.
Excuse me.
- Yes, ma'am. Can I help you?
- Yes, please.
My name is Abby Bradford
and my step-daughter,
Susan Bradford
took the police academy exam
and didn't pass.
Many are called
but few are chosen.
Few women, that is.
Sure.
You know women have
difficulty in passing
the physical examination.
Oh, well, see I-I was under
the impression
that people were beginning
to realize
that women are equal to men.
But how are we
gonna prove that
'if we're not even allowed
into the arena to compete.'
Ma'am I don't make the rules.
Now, I can look
the applicants file up
and get the exact story for you.
I'd appreciate that.
You know there really
is no excuse
for any kind
of discrimination.
Especially when you consider
that women are capable of doing
anything when they're
given the chance.
It seems your step-daughter
did pass the agility exam.
However she scored
a on the written.
Now..
There's just now way you can
discriminate against that.
'You see
the tests are numbered.'
No, names.
Yeah, well.
I guess this just proves
that women are, uh
equally capable
of making a mistake.
Bye.
[sighing]
"Push this."
(David on recorder)
'Joannie, message for the day.'
'Please do not
answer the phone.'
'It seems that you're
a little forgetful'
'in the message department.'
'You almost ruined
a perfect relationship.'
[sighing]
Umm, hi, David this is Joannie.
Uh, I'm really sorry.
Uh, I promise
it'll never happen again.
But please keep in mind
I am an artiste and not
an answering service. Goodbye.
Okay.
Richard, Richard
the love of my life.
[sighing]
Richard, I don't understand
why she won't give you a divorce
she doesn't love you and I do.
'Stand the thought of sharing
you with another woman.'
'Take me one that
doesn't deserve you.'
'I know I shouldn't be
saying things like this.'
But, I..
I know I hardly
even know her, but..
'Well, I can see
what she is doing to you'
'And I don't like it.'
[knocking]
Uh-huh, sister my eye.
You can stop worrying about
having to share, David
because we're through.
Did you hear that, David?
David?
Oh, wait, no, no, no
wait, let me explain
see I'm, uh..
Who should I say stopped by?
[screeching]
'Feelin' pretty bad, huh?'
'Well, well,
drink plenty of liquids'
and stay in bed.
[indistinct chatter]
I'm on the phone. What?
Oh, everything's going
fine, Penny, just fine.
Yeah, I cant wait for you
to be with the kids, too.
I'm sure you're gonna grow
to love them as much as I do.
Bye.
Alright, into the living room.
[blowing whistle]
Now! Now!
- I don't like it here!
- Oh.
[screaming]
Tommy, Tommy.
I need you for ten minutes
to watch the kids.
I've gotta go pick up, Paul.
His mother's car
broke down again.
No, uh-uh, you're not gettin' me
to watch those monsters
besides, I'm late for school.
Since when did
that ever bother you.
Since you started
recruiting babysitters.
Tommy, there's two dollars
in it for you.
Make it five and you got a deal.
Alright, alright.
Vulture.
- Hi, Abby.
- Hey, Nance.
So, when Cinderella
busted curfew
she figured,
man she had really blown it.
'So, she split in a hurry
and she lost her shoe.'
'and then, and then
the prince picked up her shoe'
and they lived
happily ever after.
No, they didn't.
The prince went around
with the glass slipper.
Hey, kid, are you tryin' to tell
me that I don't know this story?
I heard this story
before you were born.
Tell another.
Okay.
[laughing]
'Uh, once upon a time'
there were these seven dwarfs
and an old lady
that lived in a shoe.
Did not.
Abby, I'm sorry
you went down there
and made a fool out of yourself.
It's okay. I'll get over it.
Yeah, I don't know if I will.
So, what are you gonna do now?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe I'll become a nun
they don't have written exams.
I don't think
you'd like their habits.
Oh, Abby, this is serious.
I know, I know,
but it's just that
one way to get through
something like this
is to take a step back
and laugh at yourself, you know.
How can I laugh at myself?
This is my life.
I know, but that's better
than sittin' around feelin'
sorry for yourself.
Which is what you're doin' now.
You know, I don't know
what else to do.
I mean, I really tried
and look what happened.
Try again?
You mean take the exam again?
Sure, try it.
Try something else..
...or become a nun.
Could you imagine me as a nun?
Hmm.
Maybe and uh..
...maybe not.
[both laughing]
Off the furniture,
don't jump up there.
- Bobby. Please--
- Nancy.
What?
- Nancy.
- What?
Do you know
that one of your children
has been using my anatomy text
as a coloring book?
Are you sure
it's one of my kids?
Well, no, Nancy,
I can't be sure of that
but I assume that everybody
in this family knows how to
color between the lines.
Well, Mary you shouldn't
be leaving your books
lyin' around here.
I do not consider things
in my room on my desk
just laying around.
[screeching]
Yuck!
Oh, Elizabeth,
you're just the person
I wanted to see,
you're just in time.
Who put peanut butter
on the phone?
And in time for what?
Oh, never mind.
And if you're looking for jelly
there's some
on the kitchen phone.
Thanks.
Umm.
Hey, Susan is it true
you may not become a cop.
Not unless
I do a whole lot better
on the next exam, Nicholas.
Well, I wouldn't worry
about that if I were you.
Yeah, well I'm worried plenty.
Look, if they give you
a bad grade on the next test
just bust 'em.
Susan.
Oh, oh, what is it now, Nancy?
Another leaky toilet?
Uh, no, I have to go
to the bank before it closes.
Oh, and as usual
I'm the only available patsy.
[grunts]
Well, Elizabeth
isn't quite in the right
frame of mind at the moment.
and, uh, Mary's at home.
But I wouldn't trust those kids
to a woman with a scalpel.
Nancy, do you realize
that what you're doing
when you're doing it
that is, is illegal
and I could run you in
for running
an unofficial day care center.
Susan, we're trying
to get license.
But we can't get a license
until we pass inspection.
And we can't pass inspection
until we get the plumbing fixed
and we can't get
the plumbing fixed
until we get more money.
'Okay, so'
'we asked the mothers to pay'
'two weeks in advance.'
But one mother can't
because her child support check
hasn't come in.
'And another mother won't'
'because her kid
gained three pounds'
and she's accusing me
of feeding junk food to a minor.
Alright, alright, alright.
I'll do it, scram.
I owe you one, Susan.
Thank you, thank you.
I'll never forget it.
You're welcome.
[indistinct chatter]
[blowing whistle]
Okay, everybody line up. Li..
You heard me jumping Jean
right down here, line up.
Come on, come on, one, two
come on guys over here
in a line, in a straight line
I want you in a nice straight
line, I want you to be quiet.
Okay, that's very good.
Now, we're not gonna have
'anymore of this
running around the house'
'and jumping up and down
on the furniture'
'and fighting,
we're gonna have fun'
'and we're gonna play together
and we're gonna play together'
'nice. Now, does
everybody understand that?'
Good, now, I'll tell you
what we're gonna do.
'What you making there,
Michael?'
(Michael)
'It's a windmill.'
He took my crayon.
It's my crayon.
[crying]
Come here, Jason, Paul
I wanna talk to everybody.
Well, Michael this isn't
your crayon, is it?
No, this is my crayon.
'I let you use this crayon.'
Do you believe that?
From chaos to calm
in one easy step.
I get the feeling Nancy
was doing something wrong.
Well, she should have learned
from your father
that the nap time
theory of education
just doesn't work.
Now, if I can share
my crayon with you
why can't you share
your crayon with Bobby?
'Well, if you can't
share them with Bobby'
'I think I'm just gonna have to'
'pick 'em all up
and put 'em away.'
Hello. Oh, hi, Patty.
Uh, no, Nancy's not
here right now
but she should be back
pretty soon.
Can I take a message?
Oh, wait a minute will you,
she's coming right now.
- Nancy, it's Patty.
- Oh, thanks.
Hi, Patty.
Feeling better?
Mono?
'At least six weeks in bed?'
What could possibly
be worse than that?
I'm sorry I asked.
We can't have the house
for at least another month.
- Hey..
- Uh!
Alyssa, this is Joannie.
Joannie, Alyssa.
Uh, yeah, we've met,
sort of, David, uh..
Now, would you tell Alyssa
who you really are
and try to be convincing.
Alyssa, I am his sister.
Really.
Would I have brought
you here to meet her
if she was my girlfriend
or my wife?
I don't know.
Some people believe
in open relationships.
Besides..
'...for a sister she spends
an awful lot of time here.'
And how do you explain
that conversation I overheard?
What? What conversation? Uh..
Symbol Of Love?
[clears throat]
"Richard, I've dreamed of you
"all my life.
"And now that I've met you
"I can't let you just walk out.
Wife or not."
[laughing]
- Satisfied?
- No.
That was the worst reading
I have ever heard.
Joannie, I hope
you do better with the part.
[laughs]
Thank you, thank you.
Uh, okay, now this is all
cleared up right, David?
I mean, there won't be
any future
misunderstandings, I promise.
No, there certainly won't
because this is your last
scene in this theater,
it's curtain time, Joannie.
Oh, no, David, David please
don't send me back home to that
female berretta,
those miniature sweat hogs.
I'm sorry,
you've gotten the hook
don't call us,
we won't call you.
Well, you know, you're just
like the rest of the family
you don't have any appreciation
for the fine arts.
You are definitely
brother and sister.
And I'm definitely not like
the rest of my family.
I have a great appreciation
for fine art.
[Michael humming]
Michael..
...you come down here
right this second.
'I know you're up there.'
You better come down here.
'I'm not coming up after you.'
[grunting]
[sobbing]
It's okay, you hurt?
You hurt, where are you hurt?
Is it your knee?
Is that where it hurts?
Lemme see, lemme see.
You wanna bend it.
Oh, there you go.
Look, look, it's okay.
You can bend it.
'See, oh, it's okay.'
'Can you look up here
and talk to me?'
Oh, oh, you're heavy.
Here you go. Ooh, such a brave
guy you are.
'I like brave guys.'
- Must be her police training.
- 'Down there.'
'You're okay, huh?'
'You okay? Oh!'
We're gonna be friends?
Yeah?
Well, friends smile, you know.
Can I see a little smile?
Lemme see?
Oh, there you go. Yeah!
Nancy, can I see you in here
for a minute, please?
(Susan)
'You okay? Oh!'
'We're gonna be friends.'
You know if that youngster
had really hurt himself
my insurance would have gone
through the roof
faster than my blood pressure.
Thank God today is your last day
in this house.
Dad, I was meaning
to talk to you about that.
Do you think we could use
this place for another month?
Another month?
Our deal was originally
set for one week
which is already
turned into ten days.
But it's not my fault the other
house needs extensive repairs.
If those kids
stay here another month
this house is gonna need
extensive repairs.
Not to mention Abby and me.
Dad, there are working mothers
out there relying on me.
I made a commitment to them.
Oh, really?
I thought that your commitment
was to the idea
of being self employed
so you couldn't get fired.
I didn't know
it was to the working mothers.
So, what do you expect me to do?
Abandon the ship?
Aw..
Alright, you can stay
for two more days.
But that's my final offer.
I mean if you can't come up
with a solution by then
well, then you'll have to bail
yourself out on your own.
'Commitment or no commitment.'
Yes, sir.
Thanks, dad.
(Nancy)
'Oh, I don't know
how I ever let myself'
'get involved
in this whole thing.'
So, quit.
Quit?
How do I quit?
I'm the boss.
Then fire yourself.
Fire myself? Right.
How do you fire yourself?
Simply you just say,
Nancy, you're fired.
"Nancy, you're fired."
Now, wasn't that easy?
Hmm.
Oh, what am I gonna do
with those little monsters?
[laughing]
I didn't mean that.
They're really very cute.
I know. Why don't you
hire someone to help?
Are you kidding, Elizabeth?
I'm barely makin'
enough money for myself.
Well, then maybe
you can get someone
to take over the business.
Yeah. Who would want it?
I want it.
Good. So, just take it.
Oh, yeah, just like that.
Oh, come on, Susan, why not?
Look, Nancy is obviously
not equipped for this job .
I mean, she doesn't belong
in a daycare center.
Huh, really anymore than
I belong in the FBI.
Aww, Suzy.
Come on, last week
you were just looking
for alternatives, right?
Now, this week you've got one.
You found it. Children.
And education.
I mean, you like the kids.
And you're good with them, too.
Do you really think so?
Yeah.
Okay, what's my first move?
Alright, that's the spirit.
Okay. Look, the first thing
you have to do
is overthrow Nancy because
she is drivin' us
outta this house.
Well, I can't just
walk in there and push her over.
- Get outta here.
- No, no, no.
I think she'd be really glad
if someone stepped in
and took over now
because I mean
if she knew what she was doing
would she be comin' to us
all the time for help?
I mean, she's going crazy.
What do I say to her?
How do I handle it?
[sighs]
What's the most logical way?
Buy her the new hairdryer
she wants.
No, Susan, you just go to her
and you face her
[snaps finger]
tell it like it is.
Yeah, right.
Right, and then
if that doesn't work
then you buy her
the new hairdryer she wants.
[laughing]
- Okay? Alright.
- Okay, okay.
Oh, what is this?
- A petition.
- Signed by all of us.
And with David's proxy it makes
the base of Bradford majority.
We're getting
a little formal, aren't we?
Well, we figured if we made
a verbal protest
Nancy's little monsters would
arrive in the middle
and drown us out.
Anyway, this shows
how serious we are.
Serious? We're desperate.
Dad this can't go on.
Yeah, I'm so busy taking those
little shrimps to the bathroom
I don't even have time
to go myself.
Where as immediate action
is needed to protect
'the very existence
of this family, I'll sign.'
(Mary)
'No dad, we don't
want you to sign it.'
We want you to enforce it today.
Do you realize
you're asking your father
to throw six small children
out into the street?
We'd prefer it if he threw 'em
all the way to Stockton.
No, no, Abby has a point.
I promised Nancy two more days.
(Tommy)
'Well, we won't last
two more days.'
(Elizabeth)
'Put it this way, dad,
it's either'
'the midget monsters or us.'
Yeah, no more shrimps.
Give me a break, will ya?
I just got in here.
I don't want the bathroom
I want your day care center.
[instrumental music]
Do you really mean it?
Yeah, I really mean that.
No offence, Nancy,
but I don't think
you handle the kids too good.
Susan, you're right.
I don't know what it is,
you seem to have the knack.
Well, we'll see.
- Do me a favor.
- Sure.
- Fire me.
- You're fired.
Oh, Susan, thank you.
You don't know how happy I am
to hear those two little words.
[doorbell dings]
Oh, no, don't tell me
they're here already.
Hey, don't worry about it,
it's my job.
- You've been fired.
- Yeah.
I'll get it.
- Hey, Susan.
- What?
Now, what am I gonna do?
Well, you could become a cop,
it's much quieter.
Oh.
[giggling]
[doorbell dings]
[instrumental music]
[screaming]
(Susan)
Okay. Hey, you guys,
stay right here.
Jodie, stay here over here
over here, please.
Michael, out of the study.
You heard me. Come on.
Over here
with the rest of the guys.
Okay, now.
Things are gonna be
a little different around here.
'First off nobody shouts.'
'We're all gonna
listen to each other, okay?'
- Susan.
- Yeah?
Do we have
to take a nap right away?
No, Jodie, we don't.
[instrumental music]
[typewriter clacking]
- Hello.
- Oh.
Thought you could use some fuel.
- Reading my mind again.
- Yep.
Good cup of coffee,
relative peace and quiet
this is getting
like the good old days.
You know, you have
to hand it to Susan.
She really knows
how to handle those kids.
She certainly does.
That's why it's too bad
it has to end tomorrow.
Oh, please, Abby,
don't start that again.
Tom, I just don't think
it's fair to commend her
for such a good job she's doing
and then take it all away.
Um, I mean, we should
at least give her time to find
'to find
an alternative solution.'
Abby, cut it out,
I've already made up my mind.
Tom!
[knocking on door]
Hi.
Uh, am I interrupting anything?
No, as a matter of fact
we were just talking about you.
'Come on in.'
We were discussing
you're taking over
Nancy's business.
'And Abby seems to think
I should give you'
'more time to come up
with a solution'
'for this location problem.'
I tried, Susan.
And I couldn't
agree with her more.
I mean, after all
you've proven yourself.
The least I can do is to, uh
let you have at least say, uh
three more days.
Will that help?
No.
Oh, well, four more days?
But that's my final offer
now, take it or leave it.
I'll leave it, because
I don't need any days.
I found my own solution.
Oh, no, you're not gonna
re-consider police work?
No, heh, but I did find
an established daycare center
who's willing to take the kids
and hire me part-time.
'So, tomorrow I'm gonna
talk to the council at school'
and I'm gonna change
my major to education.
Then..
Hey, listen, I know
what you're thinking.
'I mean, how long
can this last?'
'I mean, good grief
just last week'
'I'm scaling walls and dreaming
of being Ms. Eliot Ness'
but this is really different.
I mean
I get such a special feeling
when I'm with those kids.
[instrumental music]
Who'd ever think after
growing up with a family
of eight kids
I never wanna spend
any time with kids
but...I really do.
Thanks anyway
for the offer, dad.
I love you.
And you were
worried about Susan.
Not anymore.
Susan's doing just fine.
Just fine.
They're growing up, Abby.
They're growing up.
The silence is deafening.
Shh. I'm thinking.
Won't do you any good.
I got you by the ropes.
Um-hmm, I'm afraid not.
Dad, don't you miss the
pitter-patter of little feet?
Huh? No.
Oh, come on, dad,
Nancy's kids weren't that bad.
Are you kidding?
I've lived with kids
and noise for..
[instrumental music]
Never mind.
Isn't that cute? He doesn't
wanna date himself.
[chuckling]
Check.
Now, when you move the pawn
which is the only move
you have left
it would be a checkmate.
For years
that's for how long?
Who's counting?
Ah! Oh, please.
(Abby)
Maybe it was years.
[laughter]
[theme music]
[music continues]