- What's wrong with you?
- Everything, Irving.
That's a lot of things.
I'm at the end of my rope.
You get docked your allowance
or something?
No, worse.
They all ganged up against me.
- Who is?
- My whole family.
They're always
leaving me out of things.
And nobody will talk to me.
Is something burning
in the kitchen?
No, we thought it was
out here.
No, it's upstairs.
[intense music]
Well, here's our culprit.
(Tom)
Let me see that, please.
Nicholas, was-was Tommy
using this?
No, sir, I was.
Tommy, does everybody
hate me?
Well, let's just say that, uh
we're keeping a fair distance.
Let's face it kid,
you're cursed.
Where too, sonny?
San Diego.
- Round trip?
- No, ma'am, one way.
- Where is he?
- 'Where's who?'
Him. He's in the picture.
Why isn't he here?
Who does he want?
Him. Sam.
Where is he?
Sam d*ed, kid.
- d*ed?
- Sam was my best friend.
He was going to be my grandpa.
- Now, where is home kid?
- I'm not going.
You gotta go back.
Now, where is home, Nicholas?
Here.
[theme song]
♪ There's a magic in ♪
♪ The early morning
we've found ♪
♪ When the sunrise smiles ♪
♪ On everything around ♪
♪ It's a portrait
of the happiness ♪
♪ That we feel
and always will ♪
♪ Eight is enough ♪
♪ To fill our lives with love ♪
♪ Oh we spend our days ♪
♪ Like bright
and shiny new dimes ♪
♪ If we're ever puzzled ♪
♪ By the changing times ♪
♪ There's a plate
of homemade wishes ♪
♪ On the kitchen window sill ♪
♪ And eight is enough ♪
♪ To fill our lives ♪
♪ With love ♪♪
[instrumental music]
No, no, Benny, no, no
I didn't want the tickets
for next Sunday night.
I wanted them for this Sunday.
But now, we had this fire.
I-I don't know what..
Wait, wait, wait hold on.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm-I'm just holding this.
And-and listen, my wife
deserves a night out
so cancel what I just said
I'll-I'll take those two tickets
for this Sunday night.
Right, yes.
Sixty dollars? A piece?
Mmph.
Alright, thanks.
She said we could stay
till Nicholas leaves.
I'm staying.
Only till I figure out
what to do next.
Or until she decides
to throw you both out.
Then they'll find
another pushover.
[chuckles]
Yeah, uh,
maybe you'll take us in.
Good, then I can have
a grandpa and a grandma.
- I'm not your grandpa.
- 'Where do I fit in?'
- You can be my uncle.
- My pleasure, nephew.
(Joe)
'Well, he's making us
into his whole family.'
My whole family.
Drink up, kid.
Boy, this bag sure does
keep the coke's cold.
Sure, does.
Hello, Mrs. Moore,
This is Abby Bradford.
Oh, we're fine, thank you.
Well-well, the cleaning up
is coming along just fine.
Uh, we may even last
until it's finished.
May I speak to Nicholas, please?
Oh, no, no,
that's fine.
Thank you very much.
Bye-bye.
How is Nicholas?
Well, he's, uh,
over at David's.
Poor David,
after a day of sl*very
the last thing he needs
is a visitor.
He'll send Nicholas
back to the Moore's.
Is everything all set
for tonight?
Did you say, one or one thirty?
- One thirty.
- One thirty. Okay.
[alarm ringing]
[bell ringing]
What's going on?
Oh, no.
(Abby)
'What is it?'
[indistinct chattering]
[ringing continues]
- What is it?
- What happened?
Uh, yeah, and it might
please you to know
that the house
could have b*rned down twice.
I don't believe this.
That's real funny, guys.
Thanks a lot.
- It was sad.
- There was not really a fire?
A test?
[crying]
- 'Oh, look out!'
- 'Oh, Susan, look.'
So then the wolf said,
"I'll huff and I'll puff
and I'll blow the house in."
So, he huffed and he puffed
and huffed and puffed
but he couldn't
blow the house in.
[snoring]
[sighs]
I'm gonna live with you forever
and ever, grandpa.
[instrumental music]
- Hmm, good mornin'.
- Shh!
- You'll disturb it.
- Disturb what?
- The quite.
- Before the storm?
It's because Nicholas
and Tommy aren't here.
Mmm, I miss them.
Oh, yeah, so do I.
- 'I was first.'
- 'Maybe, but I was faster.'
Of course,
I don't miss them too much.
So, the two pigs
moved into the brick house
and the wolf never ever,
bothered them again.
[laughs]
That's a good story.
I'm sorry, I went to sleep
on it last night.
Oh, that's what stories are for,
to put you to sleep
so I'll tell you
another one tonight.
Well, uh, maybe,
I'll tell you one tonight.
- Alright.
- Yeah, alright.
We're gonna have
lots of fun together, Joe.
Well, long as you don't
become a nuisance.
Oh, I won't.
And don't worry
'cause you'll never get lonely
as long as I'm around.
[instrumental music]
What's the matter, Joe?
Well, I just got
some of this sand in my eye.
Come on,
we gotta get dressed.
You have got sand in your eye.
We are dressed.
Well, not for
the Welfare Office.
What's the Welfare Office?
Well, if we play
our cards right
it's like an early Christmas.
- An early Christmas? Wow!
- Yeah.
I should have changed families
a long time ago.
When you finally get to bed
you toss around like a tornado.
Well, I'm sorry,
when I have somethin' on my mind
I don't have time
to be a common laborer.
A common laborer does not get
a new room for free.
- Good mornin'.
- Good mornin'.
Did Nicholas,
have a nice breakfast?
You'd know,
if you've ever heard him rave
about Mrs. Moore's waffles.
Well, I'm sure
her waffles are better
than anything
you guys would serve.
- Ahh! Good morning, David.
- Susan, not so fast.
Oh, David,
I got some shopping to do.
Good thing stores
are open in the evening
so that working people
can shop.
Oh, sl*very,
that's what this is?
Hey, if you're willing to pay
dues I could form a union.
[instrumental music]
Hold on here a minute,
my friend.
Let's see.
Yeah, put on your cap,
and look poor.
Like this?
Can you add a little
hunger around the eyes?
No, but I can
suck in my tummy.
Boy, you're a natural.
Let's go.
[instrumental music]
- Joseph Simons.
- Ma'am.
- Come with me.
- Poor.
- And hungry?
- Yes.
Ma'am.
- Property?
- Oh, no, ma'am.
Any other income?
Well, just the general welfare
I was gettin'
before my grandson Nicholas
come to live with me.
Uh, I'll need more,
now that the boy's here.
- I don't need too much.
- Poor little fellow.
Doesn't have anything
to wear.
Just the clothes
he's got on.
Hardly enough to cover up
his undernourishment.
- Where are his parents?
- They ran out on him.
In Sacra..
I don't know.
You lived in Sacramento?
That's a different
welfare district.
Yes, ma.am, but that was a long,
long time ago.
- I live here now.
- I see.
Is the boy's last name, Simons?
Yes, ma'am,
Nicholas Simons.
You understand,
you're entitled to food stamps
and medical payments.
Yes, ma'am.
Wow, food stamps
and medical payments.
And that if you receive
any income at all
from donations, pensions
other child support,
contest prizes
it will be deducted
from the $ a month we'll pay.
Oh, yes, ma'am.
Poor grandpa,
we won't be poor any more.
Aren't you glad I came
here to live with you?
- Here you are.
- Thank you.
Before we starve.
[instrumental music]
But she didn't give us
any money yet.
Right.
Then how come the grocery man
gave us all the stuff?
I just showed him
my welfare card.
It's better
than a credit card.
Boy, you're really
smart, Joe.
My old family didn't know
anything but money.
[instrumental music]
You just stand watch kid.
[instrumental music]
Two hundred and eighty seven
dollar's a month.
If I had more kids,
I could have gotten more.
Maybe they can get some kids
for the rest of us.
[all laughing]
- I won.
- Nathan.
Oh, Nathan, what happened?
Nobody ever b*at you.
Only capitalists
exploit children.
Scoot on there.
Let me take him on.
Maybe Nathan took it
easy on you, grandson.
But I'm no softy.
[chuckles]
I'll b*at the pants off you.
Alright. We'll see.
(Louise)
'Look at him,
he's good, isn't he?'
[indistinct cheering]
b*at the pants off, huh?
Ahh! Move out of there, Joe.
This is woman's work.
I'll show you
how to b*at the kid.
- Yeah, you wanna bet?
- Louise, is gonna do it--
Hey, hold-hold everything
a minute.
Come with me, son.
Don't nobody take his place.
Hell, I'll accept this.
- How good are you?
- Real good.
- How often do you win?
- Lots of times.
Well, most of the time.
Okay. You win.
But if you lose you cry hard.
Want me to act hungry too?
Don't overreact,
just cry hard.
Alright, we're taking
y'all on.
Nicholas can b*at the whole
mangy bunch of you.
Ladies and gentlemen..
- Oh!
- Place you're bets.
He's got a new racket.
[indistinct chatter]
Let's see what we got here.
One, two, three,
four, five..
...uh, there, uh,
six-twenty five.
Gee, I didn't know
you can get rich on checker's.
Checkers,
that's small time stuff.
You mean, we're moving up
to big time stuff?
Yeah, let's just say
a smart man like you
deserves an education.
[grunts]
Alright, get off
the telephone, Elizabeth.
- Oh, it's you.
- Yes, it's me.
I'll be off in a minute,
I was just trying to call
the Moore's to talk to Nicholas.
Really, that's what
I was going to do.
I wish he'd drop by
once in a while.
Yeah, I wish
we weren't so busy
so we could drop by
and see him.
Darn, it's busy.
I really wanted to talk to him.
Why don't we
go over there tonight
and take them out for ice cream?
Take them? You mean,
you're not gonna have any?
Me, on my diet?
How about a little
chocolate mint ripple?
No.
'Little apricot
blueberry fudge.'
Well, you're getting warmer.
[instrumental music]
Thank you.
Did I just hear
a quarter go in?
Two of them.
[chuckles]
That's it, kid.
We've made table stakes.
Alright, remember
what I told you.
- I remember.
- Alright. Let's go.
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
Does anybody want a paper?
- Paper, sir.
- Get away, kid.
Paper?
Do we look like we're here
to read, sonny. Scram!
- Do you want a paper?
- Oh, get lost.
What is this, Canasta?
Come on, who's it on?
b*at it, kid.
- It's on me?
- 'It's on you, sir.'
- Well, alright.
- 'Turn the card.'
I've got a feel about this.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna tap,
I'll bet, I got..
...seven.....
How many times
have I gotta tell ya?
Three of a kind
beats two pairs.
Sorry, Joe.
Well, sorry is not good enough.
Now go out there,
and get us back in the game.
Go on.
[instrumental music]
Can I have a dime
for a doughnut?
I didn't have any lunch.
b*at it, kid.
Oh, come on,
don't be such a cheap skate
'give the kid a buck.'
Gee, thanks.
Can I have a dime
for a doughnut?
I didn't have any lunch.
Do you know, it's against
the law to panhandle?
Panhandle?
I wasn't panhandling.
I just need a dime
for a doughnut.
Or you could give me a quarter
for a nice hot lunch.
I'm Detective Frank Fereno
of San Diego Police.
Now, what's your name kid?
(Nicholas)
'Hey, let go.
Hey, hey, hey, help, help.'
Nicholas, have you been
panhandling again?
I keep tellin' him
not to do that, sir
'but you know how kids are?'
(Nicholas)
'But, Joe..'
Wait till I get you home,
young man.
He'll be very
severely punished
and I assure you
he'll never beg again.
He'd better not,
not on my b*at.
Relentless in the fifth.
Sure thing.
[intense music]
How much did we get?
Enough for another hand.
[chuckles]
Can we play poker,
or can we play poker?
That's $..
We're millionaires.
Let's see, at % for me
and % for you.
I don't want it, Joe,
you need it to take care of me
but if it would be alright,
I'd like cents allowance
like where I used to live.
I'll go get some bubble gum.
Using the boy,
to exploit the rich is okay.
But when you start
exploiting the boy..
What am I gonna do
with him, Nathan?
Collect child support,
then think of more hustle.
- He misses them.
- 'His family?'
Yeah, but he won't
go back to 'em.
He didn't tell you
anything yet?
- He's from Sacramento.
- 'So call, Sacramento.'
He won't tell me
his last name.
Oh!
I suppose I could call
the Sacramento Police.
- You wouldn't.
- Well, I'd rather not.
Do you know what they could do
with one innocent boy like that?
Do you know how much money
I could make if I kept him?
Capitalist.
What are you talking about?
Philanthropist.
You know how much trouble it is
to take care of a kid like that?
- Yeah, do you?
- Yeah.
So, what is he, Joe?
Meal ticket? Or a liability?
If you're tryin' to start
a revolution
would you start it
somewhere else?
Joe, Nathan,
look what I got for us, here.
[both laughing]
- Hey, hey-hey.
- A balloon.
That's a good little kid, Joe.
Forget what I said.
No, somebody had to say it.
But how long can three balloons
keep him happy?
I do not want to sell this
house, do you understand?
I understand.
Sentimental values.
And if you ever,
ever change your mind
please, give me a ding-dong.
Ding-dong?
- Toddle-loo.
- Toddle-loo.
Boy, she doesn't give up,
does she?
Oh, I tell you
people like that should..
Forget it, forget it.
What was I saying?
I was saying something
very interesting.
Oh, yes, yes,
I called the restaurant
and I told them
to make reservations for--
- For Sunday night. Oh.
- Yes, it's out anniversary.
Fire or no fire, I think
that we should celebrate.
So do I, I think I'd like
something cold to drink.
- Oh, yes. So do I.
- No! No, no, no.
You just stay here and work,
and I'll get it.
Oh, alright.
Uh..
Hello, Benny, Abby Doe.
Yeah, you know those tickets
we sold to you?
Well, we want them.
Aw, well, don't you have
any other tickets?
For $ each?
No, please don't hang up. Okay,
we'll take 'em. We'll take 'em.
(Joe)
'Well, the Smiths
just cried and cried'
because they couldn't
find Junior.
Now, Junior who was still hiding
down in the well was crying too.
Finally, he thought to himself
"I'm just gonna give them
just one more chance."
So he went home.
- And you know what?
- What?
Well, the Smiths
were so happy to see him
they didn't yell at him
and they didn't spank him
or anything.
They just hugged him
and they kissed him
and they promised
never to get mad at him again.
How'd you like the story?
It stinks.
No real family would say
they're sorry.
They would just hate their kids
for ever and ever.
And Junior was a dope
to go back.
Tomorrow night,
I'm telling the story.
I tell better ones than you.
[instrumental music]
[sighs]
[car revving]
See, they're up.
The light is on in
Irving J. Moore's room.
Yes, but maybe the Moore's
won't want the boys
to go out this late
for ice cream.
Well, I mean, they can do
what they want with Irving
but Nicholas is our kid,
we only lent him to them
we didn't give him to them.
I'm so glad
you thought of this.
Oh, yes.
I couldn't have gone
to sleep another night
without giving
Nicholas a hug.
So what are you gonna have?
You're gonna have vanilla
or, uh, chocolate
or chocolate chip?
Oh, Abby, Tom.
Look who's here, Irving.
- Come on in.
- No, that's alright.
We thought the boys might
like to go out
for some ice cream.
Hey, super.
Can we have triple scoops?
Triple scoops.
Well, it's-it's rather late.
Oh, come on, mom,
It's a triple scoop.
Well, I suppose it's alright.
Is Nicholas waiting
in the car?
- No, he's here.
- He is?
- He's not?
- Isn't he?
[dramatic music]
[crickets chirping]
(male #)
Now, let me get this straight.
He left for Irving Jame Moores
with a little red wagon?
- Right.
- Metal suitcase.
- And a suitcase.
- Wednesday night.
Wednesday night, right
and this is Friday
so that gives him
two days head start.
Oh, good, you can count.
So what do we do now?
Oh, you do exactly what we do.
Check the neighborhood, his
friends, the school playground
relatives,
just stay off the phone.
Because we'll be calling
and maybe the kid might call.
Oh, yeah, right.
We'll also check the planes,
the trains and, and the buses.
(Tom)
'Well, no, no, no, Nicholas
would never leave the city.'
Oh, don't be so sure.
'He's some kid.'
Joe.
Joe.
I got breakfast
left over from last night.
So, I only had
to pay half price.
Well, good.
[chuckles]
Alright.
Uh, Nicholas, I got some
bad news for you.
- No, uh, beach combing today.
- Why not?
Well, I got a word from Nathan
the beach is all combed out.
Well, there's always checkers.
No, I'm afraid we've
worked out that scam.
[laughs]
You're too good for it.
Oh, well, I can play
with my eyes shut.
No, no, we lost those suckers.
Well, how about hinting on Anna
about her pension money?
Well, that's small-time,
Nicholas.
I've been contemplating
our future prospects lately.
There's only one thing
left for us.
- 'We've gotta make a k*lling.'
- A k*lling?
- Big money.
- Oh.
- Gold.
- Gold?
Nicholas, you and me
are gonna go to the Yukon.
The Yukon?
Oh boy, the Yukon.
Where's the Yukon?
In the Yukon.
Did anybody call
the Cantrolli kid?
Um, Nicholas doesn't play
with Tony Cantrolli anymore.
Doesn't make any difference.
We should call them.
I did, that's when
they told me that
Nicholas doesn't play
with Tony anymore.
[dramatic music]
Why would anybody wanna hurt
a nice kid like Nicholas?
Look, Nicholas is not hurt.
He's just..
He's somewhere.
But somewhere, where?
Shouldn't have
leaned on him so hard.
[sighs]
Hitch hiking's very dangerous.
Should never do it.
Then why are we hitchhiking?
Well, so we'll have enough money
to buy ourselves a car
when we get to the Yukon.
Where we will never
pick up hitchhikers.
I hope you get a flat
in every tire.
(both)
'Including the spare.'
Boy, you sure told her.
When was the last time
you saw him?
Did he say anything?
Five months ago?
Oh, no, then I, I guess not.
Alright, listen, if you
hear anything, let me know.
Thanks, Will.
Guess, I should
stay off the phone.
Well, if we got another
telephone line--
Elizabeth, will you
knock it off?
[sighs]
See, once they've picked up
speed, they don't like to stop.
So, we'll wait right here
at the stop sign.
Oh, that's
a pretty good trick.
Too bad we can't
hitchhike in the Yukon.
That trick
would come in handy.
Ha-ha, well,
you stick with me kid
I'll teach you
all my tricks.
[engine revving]
Is that part of
your trick, Joe?
So, we'll just forget about it,
okay, Dr. Maxwell.
Uh, and I'll call Donna and
tell her to call everybody else.
Alright, thanks for your help.
Bye-bye.
[instrumental music]
- Hey, did you call Dr. Max?
- Yeah, I did that.
Why are you staring
at the refrigerator?
I don't know, it, it
just looks different.
Hmm, uh, hey, did you call Donna
to tell the guest not to come?
Oh, I was about to do that.
[doorbell ringing]
- Huh.
- That's Nicholas's wagon.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, that's it.
I recognize the dents.
Oh, well, uh,
where did you find it?
The, uh, missin' vehicle
was apprehended
at the roadways bus station.
Bus station?
Yeah, the clerk thinks that
she sold Nicholas a ticket
to San Diego.
- Why would he go to San Diego?
- I don't know.
Wait a second, I do.
Sam Harris.
That's what was missin'
from the refrigerator.
- Sam Harris's picture.
- Sam Ha..
Sam Harris,
the Santa Claus who stole
all your Christmas presents?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Tom, where are you going?
San Diego.
[dramatic music]
[instrumental music]
Young man, don't you know how
dangerous it is to hitchhike?
Especially, all alone?
Shades of Babylon.
I keep telling my grandson
not to hitchhike.
But he won't listen to me.
Maybe, you nice people
would tell him for me..
...while we're riding.
Thank you, thank you.
So nice of you.
[dramatic music]
(male #)
I haven't seen Sam Harris
in a while.
But I had Joe Simons
in here last week.
He had a crap game
going near his bungalow.
Hope he's at the same address.
I'm running out of
places to look.
Well, maybe he is
and maybe he isn't.
You can never trust a man
who doesn't look you in the eye.
- Sam Harris d*ed.
- d*ed?
- But the other one, Joe Simon.
- Where is he?
Left this morning.
Took off with his grandson.
Owing me three weeks rent.
Never trust a man who
doesn't look you in the eye.
(male #)
'Did you ever see this boy?'
Sure, that's Nicholas,
Joe's grandson.
That's my son.
Then you can pay me a $.
[instrumental music]
[dramatic music]
Alright, where are they?
We-we didn't do anything wrong,
you can't arrest us.
Can't you leave people alone
even on Sunday?
No, I-I'm Nicholas' father.
No wonder he left home.
Where did they go?
You won't catch him, by now
they're half way to Alaska.
Alaska?
- Yukon?
- Yeah, that's in Alaska.
What're you gonna do
in Alaska?
Get rich.
Sally's talking to me.
- We're gonna get rich.
- Oil?
No, gold, lots of it.
You tell her.
We could use a partner to help
us haul back all our loot.
Well, now, I could
use a partner now too.
[chuckles]
Let me just get up here
and we can negotiate.
(Nicholas)
'Joe, look..'
'...that sign says, Disneyland.'
Joe, let's go to Disneyland.
I bet you make a good living
driving this truck.
Well, it's kinda
touch and go right now.
- I'll go in all the rides.
- You kiddin'?
Honest.
Yeah, that's why I wouldn't
mind taking in a partner.
You know, someone with some real
financial capital.
A well-heeled investor.
Oh, Sally, you're
a wonderful woman
and I fully support
the feminine movement
into the world of commerce.
Unfortunately, I can't
deprive my grandson here
of a trip to Disneyland.
Just drop us off up there
at the light.
Yeah, we're going to Disneyland,
we're going to Disneyland.
'This isn't Disneyland.'
Disneyland ain't in the budget.
[instrumental music]
The beans aren't ready yet.
Is this real grub?
[chuckles]
Well, it's about as grub
as you can get.
Boy, this really
is the life, huh, Joe?
A little silverware
wouldn't hurt.
I will get yelled at
if I ate with my fingers at..
[music continues]
Where kid?
At the place I used to live.
Hmm.
Bet they had franks
with their beans there?
And mustard.
Hmm-mm.
Maybe we should call
the Alaskan Mounties.
I don't think they have
Mounties anymore.
Besides, they always get their
men, not little boys.
[sighs]
Maybe we should, um..
No we did that already.
Well, there must be
something else we can do.
This is the worst Sunday
of my life.
Oh, it's the worst day
of my life.
[doorbell ringing]
- Maybe it's Nicholas.
- It is Nicholas.
'Just think it's Nicholas
and it'll be Nicholas.'
Hello, Nicholas,
please be there Nicholas.
(all)
'Surprise!'
[indistinct chatter]
Dad.
Mary, didn't you call Donna?
I was about to...once.
Oh, no.
[instrumental music]
Joe, I need a pillow.
You know,
I could use them too.
I wish I had my pillow.
I wish I had your pillow.
Joe, does the moon feel like
this in South..
- I mean in the Yukon.
- Yeah, I don't know.
Tell me more about it, Joe.
Tell me more about
the gold in the Yukon.
[snoring]
Let's see, we're going to
the Yukon that's in Alaska.
And it's real cold.
And we're gonna camp out
and eat lots of grub.
[instrumental music]
[engine revving]
- Thanks for the ride.
- Yeah.
Why did we get off here, Joe?
He said we can drive
all night and we could..
[dramatic music]
Hey, this is Sacramento.
Yeah, nice town.
But you said
we were going to the Yukon.
Not like that.
Gotta get your warm jacket.
Boots.
Gotta get a lot of things.
Yeah, but we can buy
new ones.
Well, we're gonna need
all the money we got
to get mining equipment.
See, I figure we can sneak in
your place
get your things and we'd
be half way to Oregon
before your folks
even wake up.
But what if they catch us?
Afraid they'll wanna keep you?
No, they hate me.
But they could send us
to jail for stealing.
Well, then we'll make sure
they don't catch us.
- Huh.
- Are we going the right way?
No.
[music continues]
[dramatic music]
Quiet.
Look out for the table.
Where's your stuff?
- In a closet, upstairs.
- Let's go.
I found the stairs.
Five stairs up
and turn to your left.
Wait a minute.
I think we need a light.
[music continues]
Where's your closet?
[alarm blaring]
Well, you know, it's another
fire drill, come on, you guys.
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, my God.
(Tom)
'I-it's Joe.'
[indistinct chatter continues]
And then we roll with
this rock group, see.
And they let me play
the drums and everything.
- Alright.
- Really fun.
And then we gotta ride in this
great, great big convertible
and Joe offered to sell the lady
shares of our gold mine
but she wouldn't
even buy us lunch.
'So then we got
picked up on the..
The only thing I could think of
to get him back here
to Sacramento was to tell him
we're going to the Yukon
and dig for gold.
He probably thinks
I double crossed him.
I know I'll probably
never see the kid again
but, I, I really don't
want him to hate me.
I don't want that either.
You've been
a good friend, Joe.
[indistinct chatter continues]
Look, we were angry,
but we didn't hate you.
We could never hate you,
Nicholas, honest.
And if you still wanna go
up to the Yukon with Joe
we won't try to stop you.
Well, Joe does need the gold
and I did promise him
I'd be his digger.
Oh, yes, well,
then you better go.
I guess he can go
to school up there, right?
Sure.
Do they have
school up there, Joe?
Gee, I don't think so.
Well, I really should
go to school somewhere.
You really should 'cause you
need to improve your math
for all that money
you're gonna make, you know.
Yeah.
(Joe)
'See, I got an idea, Nicholas.'
Why don't I go on ahead
and set things up for us?
You know, I probably
won't be ready
to start digging till
next summer anyway.
Yeah, and then when school's
over, I can come up there.
- Ha-ha.
- Right.
- Yeah.
- I'm so glad you're staying.
[indistinct chatter]
I tell you,
I feel like-like..
...like celebrating.
- Ha-ha.
- Well, why not?
Look, we'll all celebrate
Nicholas' coming back and..
(all)
'Anniversary.'
[indistinct chatter]
[instrumental music]
Here. Thank you.
(all)
'Surprise.'
Here you go, Abby,
it's from me and Nicholas.
He started it
and I finished it.
- Thanks, Susan.
- Aww, thank you, Nicholas.
I didn't know
what to get them.
Couldn't have
done it without you, kid.
Yeah, I can figure out
what it is.
- Joannie.
- It's a paper weight.
Oh, paper weight, paper weight,
oh, that's great.
Next.
Alright, well, uh..
We're all..
What-what are you guys
getting each other?
- Yeah.
- Oh, well, uh, Abby.
Actually what I got you
is very expensive
but, uh, totally useless.
Oh-ho-ho, no.
What a coincidence.
[all laughing]
And do you believe
how much money we spent?
Oh, well, maybe we'll
see it on TV someday.
(Nancy)
Ah-ah.
We'll do our own chorus line.
Action.
[indistinct chatter]
[instrumental music]
♪ One singular sensation ♪
♪ Every little step he takes ♪
♪ One thrilling combination ♪
♪ Every move that he makes ♪
♪ One smile and suddenly ♪
♪ Nobody else will do ♪
♪ You know you'll
never be lonely ♪
♪ With you know who ♪
♪ One moment in his presence ♪
♪ And you can
forget the rest ♪
♪ For the guy is second best ♪
♪ To none ♪
♪ Son ♪
♪ Ohhh ♪
♪ Ohhh ♪
♪ Sigh ♪
♪ Sigh ♪
♪ Give him your attention ♪
♪ Do ♪
♪ Do ♪
♪ I really have to mention ♪
♪ I ♪
♪ He's the one ♪
♪ One singular sensation ♪
♪ Every little step he takes ♪
♪ One thrilling combination ♪
♪ Every move that he makes ♪
♪ One smile and suddenly ♪
♪ Nobody else will do ♪
♪ You know you'll
never be lonely ♪
♪ With you know who ♪♪
[siren wailing]
[instrumental music]
[indistinct chatter]
You gotta realize,
this is not your normal family.
[instrumental music]
[knocking on door]
Just in time, come on in.
Oh, wait.
[music continues]
- Everybody, it's the cops.
- The what?
- What?
- Uh..
Well, I haven't done anything.
- In Sacramento.
- I did.
I told them that
you had Nicholas.
'And they issued an
all-points bulletin.'
- Yeah.
- No. Joe, wait, Joe.
[indistinct chatter]
- Joe, catch.
- Yeah, my hat.
[indistinct chatter continues]
- Oh, hi.
- Come in, hi.
We're just celebrating.
Yeah, so we've been told
by several of your neighbors.
Oh, look, look,
Nicholas is back.
Hey, that's great.
How did he get here?
What happened?
Oh, well, he just,
uh, walked in.
Hmm, right.
Well, what about the guy
he was with?
- What guy?
- What guy?
Joe Simons, the guy that
you disappeared with.
Oh, yeah, yeah, that guy.
He went to the Yukon.
Yukon?
Yeah, you know,
the Yukon, it's in Alaska.
- Yeah, right.
- Yeah.
[indistinct chatter]
[instrumental music]
Oh, hi, Nicholas.
The cops are gone, how come
you're not at the party?
Hell, I'm enjoying it
from out here.
How come you're not
at the party?
Well, I thought I'd be with you
for a while before you go.
Are you mad at me
for not going with you?
Well, of course not.
Good, 'cause I'm not mad
at you for bringing me home.
I'm glad. I sure wouldn't want
you mad at me.
Abby fixed my pillow.
Oh, yeah.
She did a good job.
You can have it.
Well, Nicholas,
I can't take your pillow.
Alright, then I'm only
lending it to you
until next summer and
then when I get to Alaska
you can give it back to me.
Alright and I'll take
real good care of it.
And then if I never do get
to Alaska, you can keep it
so you won't forget me.
[dramatic music]
Well, I could never
forget you, son.
I, uh, wish I had
something to give you.
You already have
given me something.
A grandpa.
[music continues]
How would you feel about, uh,
giving your grandpa a hug?
(Nicholas)
'"Dear Nicholas,
today we packed in the mews'
'"and tomorrow
we set out for the mine'
'"and start the digging.'
'"It's very cold here
and I'm writing this'
"from my bed
so I can keep warm.
I sure do enjoy my new pillow."
That's my pillow.
He's really using it.
- Yeah.
- Good.
"By the time you see my again,
I'll be a millionaire.
Your grandpa, Joe Simons."
Hey, this letter is
post marked Hawaii.
I thought the Yukon
was in Alaska.
Did somebody move it?
[all laughing]
I didn't think
that was so funny.
Nicholas, don't you get it?
This Joe Simons
couldn't travel
in a straight line
if he wanted to.
He's conning ya.
No, he isn't.
Tommy, look at it this way.
If Joe were really good at
finding the Yukon
well then, Nicholas
never would have
gotten back here
to Sacramento.
Yeah, so just shut it,
'cause you don't even know that
three of a kind
beats two pairs.
(Tom)
'Right.'
Three of a kind
beats two pairs.
Nicholas, exactly what were
you doing in San Diego?
We'll talk about it, dad.
On your th anniversary.
[indistinct chatter]
[theme music]
[music continues]
03x13 - You Won't Have Nicholas to Kick Around Anymore
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The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.
The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.