[instrumental music]
Oh, hey, Nicholas,
whatcha doin'?
Keeping my eye on
Ron and Marsha.
What for?
Well, I wanna see how
baby hamsters are made.
Oh.
I can't figure it out.
Katie P. Landers said
I should have
baby hamsters by now.
You know how
baby hamsters are made?
Uh, why ask me?
You mean, you don't
know either?
Oh, y-yeah, I know.
Well, how do they do it?
Uh, well, you see
it just sort of happens.
They have to get
together in private.
'And now, Nicholas,
you can't watch!'
Nothing's gonna happen
unless you leave 'em alone.
- Why not?
- Hey, just take my word for it.
I'm really in a hurry, so
why don't you ask dad, okay?
If I'm not back in time, guys
start without me.
[instrumental music]
Shh!
["Eight Is Enough"]
♪ There's a magic in the early
morning we've found ♪
♪ When the sunrise smiles
on everything around ♪
♪ It's a portrait
of the happiness ♪
♪ That we feel
and always will ♪
♪ For eight is enough ♪
♪ To fill our lives with love ♪
♪ Oh we spend our days ♪
♪ Like bright
and shiny new dimes ♪
♪ If we're ever puzzled ♪
♪ By the changing times ♪
♪ There's a plate of
homemade wishes ♪
♪ On the kitchen windowsill ♪
♪ And eight is enough ♪
♪ To fill our lives with love ♪♪
(Tom)
'Goodnight, Nicholas!'
[humming]
Oh, boy. Well, it took
"The Legend of Sleepy Hollow"
"Frankenstein" and last night's
plot of "Charlie's Angels"
to finally put
Nicholas to sleep.
And now, we are
alone at last.
Your timing's perfect.
Not bad, eh?
- Look at this.
- Mm, it looks delicious.
- Cake looks good, too.
- Aw, thank you, twice.
Yes, do you realize for
the first time in weeks
all the kids are out of
the house at once?
How did that happen?
I don't know.
We just got lucky.
Happens about twice a year,
on the average.
Well, I have a wonderful idea.
Let's have our cake and coffee
in the dining room
and put on some candles
and some soft music
and pretend we're all alone
in a Viennese Cafe.
- What do you say?
- Aw, alright.
- I love Vienna in the spring.
- Yeah.
Is your dance card
full, madame?
Well, I just happen to have
one waltz available, sir.
Here we go.
[both humming]
[instrumental music]
(Tom)
You know, I forgot how beautiful
you are in candlelight.
In any light,
for that matter.
You journalists sure
have a way with words.
Must be the cappuccino.
Oh!
Oh, why can't we have
more evenings like this?
Oh, I can think of
at least eight reasons.
Well, for tonight, the eight
children don't exist.
And from now on,
we're gonna keep
the honeymoon alive,
no matter what.
(Susan)
'It's dark in here!'
(Nancy)
'Mary, why didn't
you just ask us?'
Yeah, you punted
without a huddle.
Oh, what you're saying then is
I, uh, deflected a pass? Right?
Yeah, since when are you
appointed the great chaperone--
Oh, knock it off.
Alright, what's the matter,
girls, huh?
Oh, hi.
Uh, well, we stopped off for a
cup of coffee after the movie
and these cute guys came up
to get acquainted with us.
"Acquainted?" They tried
to pick us up.
(Susan)
'Huh! Old Mary got all
bent out of shape'
'and told the guys
to get lost.'
(Nancy)
'Yeah, and they were foxy.'
(Mary)
'"Foxy?"'
One of 'em looked
like a hockey goalie
and the other one
looked like the goal.
Oh-ho! What do you know
about men, hotsy totsy?
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
All the guys you
spend time with
smell of formaldehyde.
Oh, you don't even know
what formaldehyde is.
Aw, yes, we do!
Alright, come on, girls.
Cut it out.
Y-yeah, but what about all
the ones you hang out with?
- Hey--
- Oh, come on!
She's just jealous 'cause they
didn't come on to her, too.
[Tom sighs]
Hey, is that chocolate cake?
Oh, you're on a
diet, remember?
Yeah, cottage cheese
and chocolate cake.
(Nancy)
'Yeah. And you guys should've
come with us to the movie.'
It was about this giant termite
that's eating housing tracts.
Some Viennese cafe, huh?
[knock on door]
(Tom)
'Oh, come in!'
(Susan)
'Working on Saturday, huh?'
(Tom)
'Well, no. Actually,
I'm just, uh, hiding out.'
This is the only room where
people bother to knock.
Um, dad...I have
a favor to ask.
Oh, sure. As long as it's
not more than ten dollars
because I don't have
more cash with me.
It's not gonna
cost you a thing.
You're kidding? Really?
Oh, no hidden cost?
- None.
- Yippee.
Look, dad, I have made
good friends with
one of the working mothers
at the daycare center.
Well, recently, she's been
separated from her husband.
It's really been hard
on her, you know
adjusting to being single
learning how to get
along by herself.
You know, it's really hard being
a single parent these days.
The point.
Well, the point is
that she has a chance
to spend five days
with her husband
to get it together
with him, you know
but she has a problem.
- Lucy.
- Lucy?
Yeah, Lucy. It's her
nine-year-old daughter.
I mean, dad, how can
she possibly reconcile
with her husband,
if she has to drag Lucy
along to San Francisco
with her?
I haven't the slightest idea.
Susan, please try
to remember the point.
The point, the point?
Well, dad, if I could take care
of Lucy for those five days..
Monday through Friday
this week..
I mean, it could save
their marriage!
Ah-ha! The point!
Susan, you know how
strapped we are
around here for
space, right?
No problem, dad,
she can sleep
in a sleeping bag on
the floor of our room!
Five days in your room?
Oh, no, no, no. It's just
gonna be five nights.
You see during the day,
she goes to school
then she goes
to the daycare center.
Oh...well..
I guess if Joannie
doesn't mind, I-I suppose..
You, of course, have
checked this all out
with Joannie, of course?
You assured him
I wouldn't mind?
'Don't you think that's a
little presumptuous of you?'
Well, maybe just a
little bit, but, uh..
Here, Joannie,
sit up, come on.
- Have some breakfast. Come on--
- I-I mind, I mind anyway.
Believe me, I mind.
Breakfast, my break--
- Come, look, granola--
- This is not gonna do it--
- Bananas.
- Oh, no..
Oh, come on, Joannie.
Now, look at it this way.
You'll be saving Lucy's
mother's marriage.
Oh, Susan, you're the one
into social work, not me.
Don't think of it
as social work.
Think of it as making
a new friend.
Oh, oh. Thank you.
Right, a new friend.
A nine-year-old girl.
Oh, Joannie, you'll love her!
She's bright as a tack!
Yeah, bright as a tack, yeah!
Is she gonna be "Bright as
a tack" before breakfast?
Oh, no, no, no, no. She'll
be very quiet in the morning.
Yeah. You sure?
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
But, look, she's not,
she's not gonna wanna play..
...you know, jacks and,
uh...jump rope on the bed--
No jacks, no jump ropes,
I promise.
[chuckling]
Alright!
'Okay, but look,
do me a favor, Susan.'
Next time you invite
a guest to live with us
could you make it..
...male, about...?
[giggling]
Melanie Cosway
ruins my appetite.
You just gotta learn to take
these things in stride, Danny.
You can take it in stride.
I'll take it any way I can.
You just have no understanding
of women, that's all.
- Oh, really?
- Really.
See, a girl like
Melanie Cosway
just look unapproachable.
She looks...exquisite.
You know, I bet you
that Candice Bergen
sits home alone on
a Saturday night
just because everybody
assumes she's busy.
Melanie probably does
the same thing.
Sure she does.
Five bucks says I can
get a date with her.
You? Ha ha ha!
You're on.
Observe, my boy, observe.
Please.
[blows raspberry]
Well, maybe she's goin'
bowling with Candice Bergen.
- You're real cute.
- Ha ha ha! Five bucks.
Thank you.
[instrumental music]
- W-what's going on?
- Shh!
I know what I'm doing.
I want to pick up where
we left off last night.
Remember?
The ongoing honeymoon?
Remember Vienna?
Ah, but it's Saturday
afternoon.
Since when does romance
know the time of day?
Love is always in season.
Oh, I'm always such a sucker
for a corny lie.
Stick around, kid,
because it gets worse!
[knock on door]
Oh, for Pete's sake!
Who is it?
Dad, you got $.
for the paperboy?
Huh? Oh..
Here. I don't need it anyway.
Here, take this.
What if he doesn't
have change?
Just tell him to
keep the change.
Oh, boy.
Now...where were we?
- Vienna.
- Aah, yes.
[laughs]
- Vienna.
- Vienna.
Oh, come on!
Can't they read?
What is it?
Dad? I need to borrow
the car keys.
Oh...here.
- Thanks.
- Don't mention it!
I don't believe this.
There's only five
of them left.
Well, look, all I want
is a little privacy.
Well, why don't you just
tell them the truth?
That we wanna be alone like
any normal man and woman?
I'm sure they'd understand.
That might be the right
approach in theory.
But in practice, it would
blow my whole image.
Oh, you mean, the upstanding,
sober father figure
with a gleam in his eye?
- Yes, if you must know.
- Oh, I see.
So this is the famous
Bradford open-minded
"Honesty is the best policy"
routine in action.
Well, if it's action you want,
it's action you'll get.
Aha!
Oh! What is it now?
I tell you,
whoever it is this time
I'm going to give them an
in-depth, detailed explanation
of the facts of life
Bradford style.
Yes? What?
Dad, you remember you promised
me to dig worms today?
Oh. I better gather
the troops for this one.
Dig worms?
Now, uh, listen, I've, uh..
gathered you all here
to discuss a vital issue.
'Uh, a serious injustice is
taking place in this house.'
It violates something as
timeless and universal
as freedom itself.
The inalienable right of
every citizen to privacy.
The constitution says
that we are entitled
to the pursuit of happiness.
'Well, I feel that my pursuit'
'is being obstructed.'
'And I hope that these
remarks will suffice'
and more drastic means
will not be necessary.
Freedom from harassment
even to mothers and fathers
must be honored.
[instrumental music]
Hope I make myself
perfectly clear.
- Gee.
- What was that all about?
I don't know. Sounded
like civics class to me.
Sounded like
"Get lost" to me.
Uh, you don't suppose that dad
and Abby wanted to be alone
to, uh...you know?
In the afternoon?
With us in the house?
In broad daylight?
Heh. You gotta be kidding.
[all laughing]
Nah!
Well, thank goodness
for son number one.
And his own apartment,
and away for the weekend.
Foxy father with
his own keys.
Yes, we may stay here
all weekend.
[both giggling]
Look.
Listen, I always wanted to try
out one of these waterbeds.
Now's your chance.
- Ha-ha!
- Ooh!
- Not bad.
- It's great!
Oh, easy! If it capsizes.
- I'm sorry.
- No. Heh-heh.
- Come here.
- Okay.
[instrumental music]
- Abby?
- What?
Do you feel a little
strange, though?
David's apartment, together,
the two of us alone
Oh, a little bit,
I guess, but, uh..
...and we've got all evening.
So we can just relax and..
...take our time,
and get used to it.
It's a great idea!
You may find me a
little irresistible.
I always find you
irresistible.
[door slams]
Whoa.
David..
Sorry, I had a
change of plans.
No, no, no, please, David.
Let me explain.
I-i-it's not what you think.
Dad, it's okay, I understand.
No problem.
No, no, no, no,
you don't understand.
W-w-what it is, is that
we were just, uh,
j-j-just talking about
life and-and-and, uh..
(David)
'It's okay. We're all adults.'
Waterbeds are great.
No reason why you
shouldn't try it out.
Oh, Abby, this is insane.
Maybe we should quit
while we're ahead.
Now, look, let me explain.
We didn't come here to try out
the waterbed, David.
We came here...to,
to take out the trash.
- That's it! Uh...right.
- That's it.
And, uh, because, uh, we, uh..
I hate that trash,
it draws ants.
And while we were taking it out,
we noticed the waterbed.
- And w-we were...thirsty.
- Nice bed.
Okay.
Look, take out the trash
all you want.
I'm going out to a movie.
No, no, please don't
go to a movie, and just
let me explain, David.
It's not what you think!
It's okay, dad.
Bye-bye. Bye, Abby.
- But, uh..
- Bye, David.
[sighs]
It's so humiliating.
No, no, I.. A man can't
take this. Even a father.
I mean, I-I have to get rid of
those kids now. All at once.
- A g*n or poison?
- No, no, I don't mean that.
I just mean get them
out of the house
for the weekend,
that's all.
Maybe we should just
check into a hotel.
A hotel? Of course
not a hotel.
We own our own home, Abby!
It was just a suggestion.
I mean, trying to get all
those kids to do anything
all at once is like planning
the invasion of Normandy.
I'm desperate.
I really am!
All I want is to have
my wife in my house
for a weekend,
all by myself.
And I'm going to do it!
Well, we need a plan. We need
a plan, that's what we need.
- A plan.
- That's right.
A very clever plan.
Something devious.
Yet foolproof.
Something simple.
[instrumental music]
Yet so sophisticated
that they'll never
know what hit them.
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
[indistinct chatter]
- Hi, big brother!
- Hi, kid sister.
Oh, mm-mm.
Joannie's goulash.
How did I know?
- Hey, how did he know?
- Probably some wild guess.
Some wild guess. David has
a radar in his stomach.
Um, sit down, David.
There's plenty.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Come on, David, you're family.
You're not gonna get
out of this twice.
Aw, if you twisting
my arm, okay.
So, uh...are you,
uh...working hard?
(David)
'Too hard.'
Me too. In fact,
I was thinking today
it'd be wonderful to be able
to get away for a while.
Yeah, you and me both.
Wouldn't it be nice? I mean,
to get out of the city.
Where it's quiet,
and the air is clean and fresh.
You mean like the mountains?
Oh, yes. The Sierras are
wonderful this time of the year!
Are you talking about
going camping?
Camping?
- Hey, that is a great idea.
- Yeah.
And it'd be great!
We could fish and cook
over an open fire
and, and really rough it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah!
Yeah, and no girls!
That's right.
Men only!
Wow! We campin'!
Well, what do you say, fellas?
Shall we go camping
this weekend?
- Right, right!
- Not without us.
I think it's a crummy idea.
- Well, who asked you?
- I asked me!
I mean, what about us? Girls
like camping too, you know.
Boo! No dice! Thumbs down!
My sentiments exactly.
I'm givin' you lessons,
that's all.
Oh, leave the kid alone,
for cryin' out loud
he knows what
he's talkin' about.
'You're not supposed to go
out camping with us.'
[indistinct chattering]
You know, if it wasn't for those
creepy crawly little bugs
I wouldn't mind going
camping myself.
Oh, I love camping.
I mean, you sleep out
under the stars.
When you wake in the morning
the air is so chill and fresh--
Well, frankly,
I'm surprised at us.
I mean, we really let
them push us around.
Imagine, no women
on a camping trip.
That's right!
Where do they get off
telling us that we can't go?
- Really.
- Really!
What happened to that respect
dignity and kindness
we fought so hard for?
Yeah, they've got a lot
of nerve telling us
we can't go on their
camping trip.
We're members of
this family, too!
Well, I'm fed up. And I'm
throwing in the towel.
Yeah! Let's go give them
a piece of our minds.
- Alright, let's do it!
- Now? Come on!
- Yeah.
- Come on!
Alright!
I didn't realize you felt
so strongly about this.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
[coughing]
[clearing throat]
Do you get the feeling they're
upset about something?
Heh. What seems to be
the problem, ladies?
We think it's rude and
inconsiderate of you guys
not to invite us
to go camping.
- Oh, boy! Here we go again.
- Yeah!
And we're going camping
with you, invitation or not.
No, no. We'll take you
the next time.
Tom, I think that's
really insensitive.
I mean, we know how to map
and we can take care
of ourselves.
But we can't just,
see, we're really
gonna rough it this time.
Oh-huh! Rough it?
If I know you guys,
you'll take everything
but a battery-operated
toothbrush.
Really!
Anyway, what's the big deal,
tough guys?
We can do anything
you can do.
- Yeah.
- Better.
I tell ya, I'm still
against it, men.
Look, dad, it doesn't
matter to me.
Of course, they do
have a point.
Well, looks like
the tide has turned
against us,
Nicholas ol' boy.
(Tom)
'Oh, well.
Alright, you can go--'
- Alright!
- Sounds more like it.
Hey, look. I just
don't wanna hear..
"Daddy, Tommy, there's
a snake in my tent!"
Don't flatter yourself, Tarzan.
Mm, I think Tommy is
forgetting about the time
Susan and I saved him
from the man-eating moth!
[girls jeering]
(Mary)
'We'll take care of you.'
[indistinct chatter]
[instrumental music]
Who are you?
I'm Lucy Pringle and I'm staying
here until Friday.
[music continues]
[huffs]
Well, I see you two have met.
You never told me you
had a little brother.
- "Little?"
- She means younger, Nicholas.
Actually, I meant little.
How old is he?
Seven?
Well, I see you two are
gonna get along just fine.
You don't have any butter?
Only margarine?
That's right.
Margarine's cheaper.
I know.
Uh, dad, I'd like you
to meet Lucy Pringle.
The young lady I was
telling you about.
- Huh?
- Friday, remember?
Our little talk? Lucy?
Oh, right, yes. The point.
In the study, yeah.
Hello, uh, nice little girl.
You can't afford butter?
You want me to arrange
to have flowers
delivered to Abby
Sunday morning?
Yes. One dozen long-stemmed
roses please.
Well, Mr. Bradford,
how romantic.
What's the occasion?
Oh, I'm taking
Abby and the kids
to the Sierras on a camping
trip this weekend.
I beg your pardon?
You want me to have the flowers
delivered to the Sierras?
No, no, no. Just send them
to my home address.
Oh, I see.
Of course!
You want them to be
waiting for Abby
when she gets home
Sunday night!
Nice and wilted.
Please, just do as
you're told.
Yes, sir.
I, I was just following
orders, sir.
You see, flowers delivered
to the house Sunday night
but you're going to the Sierras.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
[sighs]
(Abby)
'So far, so good.'
(Tom)
'Everything is right
on schedule.'
Which is an accomplishment
in itself.
Accomplishment nothing.
When things are on schedule
in this house,
that's a miracle.
- Smell this.
- Mm..
Yes. Do you think
anyone's suspicious?
I think we finally have
a foolproof scheme.
A foolproof scheme.
Oh!
- Just two more days.
- That's right.
D-Day minus two.
[telephone ringing]
Hello? Who?
Oh. Just a minute.
(Nicholas)
'King me.'
It's for you. A girl.
Uh, she says
her name's Melanie Cosway?
(Tommy)
'Hello? Yeah, this is Tommy.'
Bet I could take you
two out of three.
(Tommy)
'Who's this? Melanie?
Oh, Melanie Cosway!'
'Mm. Mm-hm.'
Oh, no kidding!
Oh, yes. Well, you know
how football players are.
They're always
pulling hamstrings.
Oh, I think I could arrange
to be free on Saturday night.
Oh, sure. I'll pick
you up about :.
Bye-bye.
I got a date with
Melanie Cosway!
Saturday night? But what
about the camping trip?
Dad, Melanie Cosway
is the Candice Bergen
of Sacramento Central
High School.
You only get one sh*t!
But we were counting on you.
There'll be nine
of you without me!
You won't even miss me!
Tommy, I don't
think you should
stay home alone
on the weekend.
But, dad, I'm almost !
- Come in.
- Dad, something's come up.
Looks like I won't be able
to go camping this weekend.
- What?
- What?
Well, Lucy's mom called me
at the daycare center today,
and she begged me
to let her stay in San Francisco
through the weekend.
Susan, no, I--
Oh, well, dad, you're
saving a marriage!
- It's also ruining one!
- What?
- Maybe Lucy could go with us.
- 'Oh, forget it.'
'She's allergic to birch trees'
and she's highly susceptible
to poison oak.
That's terrific!
I-I mean, Susan can stay
home and chaperone me!
Heh heh. What else
could go wrong?
[instrumental music]
[sneezes]
You had to ask?
(Tommy)
'Uh-huh. That's right, Danny,
my boy. She called me.'
Yeah, uh, some jock pulled
a hamstring. Poor guy.
'Okay, that'll be my
five bucks back'
'and five to cover the wager.'
'I need it for Saturday night.'
Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.
Hey, and no checks,
just cash.
You're only gonna spent
ten bucks on her?
Cheap skank.
Well, at least we're alone.
Oh, yeah, this is not exactly
what I had in mind.
- Oh..
- I don't understand.
Everything was going
so smoothly.
We still have
a few days left.
You're not gonna
give up, are you?
Give up?
Look what's at stake.
Right, we gotta think
positive about this.
That's right. The invasion
of Normandy must succeed.
I didn't know you're
a World w*r II buff, Tom.
- Hi, Abby.
- Oh, hi, Max.
Hiya, Max. No, no, no,
we were just talking
about our weekend.
Oh, planning on invading
Normandy over the weekend?
Oh, just about. I mean trying
to get eight Bradfords
to do the same thing
at the same time.
Yes, yes, I'd rather
inv*de Normandy.
Exactly.
We were planning on
taking the family
away this weekend
on a camping trip
but now, everything
is going wrong.
Pick another weekend.
- It's now or never.
- I beg your pardon?
Oh, no, no. That's just
a figure of speech.
Listen, Max, you know,
Nicholas I think is
coming down with something.
He's been sneezing
a great deal.
It's got me worried.
Oh, well. He's a pretty
hardy little guy.
Besides, there are sneezes,
and there are sneezes.
Now, I'll bet if you just
fill him full of liquid
'get him into bed,
he'll be fine till weekend.'
- Yeah, you really think so?
- What do I know?
I'm only a doctor.
'Uh, look, ah, if
he gets a fever'
'just give me a call, okay?'
- I'll see you guys.
- Yeah, bye-bye, Max.
Bye, Max. Bye.
- You know, I have an idea.
- What?
I think that you should
be put in charge
of the feeding
and care of Nicholas.
And I'm gonna do something
I never did before.
Which is?
Meddle into my
son's love life.
[crickets chirping]
(Tommy)
'Hi, dad.
You wanted to see me?'
Oh, yes, yes.
Uh, uh, come in.
Sit down, Tommy.
I, uh, I, here, I, I,
I wanted to talk to you..
uh, man to man, you know.
Sure, dad.
What's on your mind?
Uh...women.
Uh, well, we already
had that little talk.
Remember the dancing
chromosomes and--
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
I-I didn't mean that.
I, I, I wanted you to, um..
I thought maybe you
might like to tell me
about this, ah,
Melanie Freeway.
Uh, Cosway.
Melanie Cosway.
Cosway. Melanie Cosway.
Silly name.
'What would you like
to know about her?'
Uh, well, um..
Do you think that
she's the right girl?
The right girl?
This is a serious thing, Tommy.
I, and I thought that
maybe you ought to, uh..
...lay back for
a while, you know.
Just let things kind of ride.
See how you feel about
her in a month or so.
But, dad, we're only
going out on a date.
Oh, oh, that's good.
That's good.
Because, uh, I tell
you something..
You cannot be too
careful this days.
There's this guy
down at the paper
whose son is paying
a fortune in alimony.
A fortune, and he's only
years old.
Oh, well, dad, I--
You have to watch out for these
supposed liberated types.
They pretend not to care
about alimony and then
when you least suspect it, pow!
They've got the biggest lawyer
in town chasing after you!
Dad, I promise I
won't get divorced
without getting married first!
Oh, good, good.
Uh-uh-well, that's, you know
a father...worries
about these things.
Yeah, I'll...be sure
and be careful, dad.
Is...that all you wanted
to talk to me about?
[instrumental music]
[blowing nose]
Hey, look out for
my worm farm!
I'll be careful.
No, no, no, you go back in bed.
Oh, God..
I don't see why I have
to stay in bed.
I feel okay!
(Abby)
Because we are not
taking any chances.
You're home from school
to rest and get well.
Not to play,
now hit the sheets.
Yes, ma'am.
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
We gonna do your lessons later.
I think it's time for
some more fruit juice.
- But, that's the fifth one!
- Drink.
Where do you think
you're going?
Nicholas?
Nicholas, where
are you going?
To the bathroom.
[door opens]
How is Nicholas?
Oh, he'll pull through
if he doesn't drown first.
Tom, I don't know how much
longer I can keep him in bed.
- He's getting restless, huh?
- Oh, to say the least.
'So how'd it go with Tommy?'
[sighs]
That bad, huh?
Worse. I haven't made
such little sense since
"My facts of life" speech.
Oh, what's the use?
There's always Lucy and Susan!
Oh, yeah, did you get
a chance to talk to her?
Yes, and Susan is still
committed to Lucy's mother!
Why is that my children
are always ready to put
themselves out
for somebody else?
Well, the irony is that
Susan made the commitment
to Lucy's mother,
because she thought we'd be
out of town this weekend.
Oh, well..
I tell ya
if we could've spent
a weekend alone
in this house,
it was worth a try.
Yeah, we gave it our
best sh*t, didn't we?
I don't think our little scheme
would've worked anyway.
We'll never find
out, will we?
Let's look at it from
the bright side.
Okay.
We get to take at least
five kids...camping
this weekend.
Some bright side.
[instrumental music]
[door opens]
Oh, Nicholas. I didn't
hear you coming.
Feel better?
- Shh..
- Shh. What's the matter?
I don't want anyone
to see where I'm going.
Where are you going?
To school. Shh.
Oh, okay.
He doesn't want anybody
to know he's going..
...to school?
(David)
Well, at least it's
going to a good cause.
That you can count on.
Hey, where you gonna
take her?
You know, I don't know.
Where would you take Melanie,
if you had a date with her?
[both chuckle]
Oh, hey, there she is.
Ooh, speak of the angel.
- Oh, hi, Melanie.
- Hi!
Danny here was just leaving.
Oh, no, that's okay.
It's not important.
Look, I just came
to tell you that
I'm not gonna be able to make
it Saturday after all.
- You're not?
- I'm really sorry.
But Dwayne found out about it
and he kind of took
the news badly.
- Dwayne, the middle linebacker.
- 'Uh-huh.'
He's really possessive.
But I-I didn't think he'd mind.
You know, being laid up in bed
with a pulled muscle and all.
I guess I was wrong.
Imagine that.
Yeah, imagine that.
Well...I'll see you, Tommy.
Maybe after Dwayne
and I break up.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, sure.
Oh, imagine that.
- Heh heh.
- Ha ha ha!
You get home early.
You must have a easy job.
Oh, Nicholas.
Hi, dad.
Why didn't you tell us
you went to school today?
Abby had to call the school
to find out that
you were there.
Well, it wasn't as bad as
playing hooky, was it?
Yeah, I suppose so.
A-are you feeling
any better today?
I feel okay,
and I'm not thirsty.
Tommy!
- Something wrong?
- Yeah, women.
I think I'm gonna
join a monastery.
I beg your pardon?
You were right, dad.
You just can't trust women.
I'm going camping
this weekend.
- You are?
- And so am I!
Oh, really?
Well...if you insist.
Abby.
'Oh, Abby, I..'
Oh...it's you.
Have you seen my wife?
Not since she spilled
the vacuum cleaner
bag on the rug.
[chuckles]
You must be a real joy
to your mother.
Yeah, we get along alright.
You do?
So..
You, uh, like your mother, huh?
Yeah, she's a pain sometimes
but she beats this place.
Oh, yes, I'm sure she does.
Uh, she's up in San Francisco
now, isn't see?
Yeah, with my dad.
Oh, isn't that nice.
You wouldn't happen to, uh..
...have his phone number,
would you?
I have it memorized.
You do? Well..
How would you, uh...like to tell
your mother personally..
...just how much you miss her.
Could I?
No problem.
(Joannie)
'Last night? Not even
call in first?'
(Susan)
'Yeah, last night about
o'clock the doorbell rings'
and who is it,
but Lucy's mother.
Boy, weird. And she got it
together with her husband?
Beats me, all she said was
something about butter
and margarine.
Boy, well, anyway, she
got here just in time
for you to go camping
with us, it's great.
Yeah, great, but, Joannie,
I mean, don't you think
it's a little strange,
one minute, she's having
a second honeymoon
in San Francisco
and next minute, she can't live
another day without Lucy.
Yeah, come to think of it,
it is kinda strange.
You don't suppose that dad..
Nah. Who'd do something
like that?
- I hope this works.
- Don't worry, it will.
It has to.
Oh, gosh, now I know how
Eisenhower felt on D-day.
- Ready?
- Ready.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, hi, dad.
Everything's all packed.
- Oh, good, good.
- Yeah.
Well, I'll just, uh,
check things out.
- See if everything's..
- We got everything, dad.
Oh, wait a minute now.
Just a second.
These, uh, sleeping bags
are not rolled properly.
Now, these things have
to...oh, look at this.
There's not enough to drink.
Are you kidding?
Yeah, there is.
Somebody doesn't know
how to pack a tent.
I'm sorry, we can't leave until
all these things are repacked.
Dad, we've been working
on this all morning.
I don't care,
if we're gonna do it
we're gonna do it
right, right?
- Right.
- Right.
- But you're nitpicking.
- Nitpicking?
[laughing]
Do you remember our disastrous
trip to Yosemite?
You could have used some of
my nitpicking then.
(Abby)
'You told me that trip
was ten years ago.'
I mean, they were
all just kids then.
Listen, I have to exercise
some kind of leadership
or this would be
complete chaos.
Oh, please,
you're stifling them.
They can take care
of themselves.
'Come on, Abby,
don't start that again.'
This is not the
time and the place!
Well, this is exactly
the time and the place!
'You can't keep telling
them what to do.'
'Dominating their lives.'
- 'Dominating their lives?'
- Exactly.
What do you think I am?
Some kind of a Mussolini
or something?
They don't need your
organizational ability.
If they went camping
by themselves
they wouldn't miss you
for a minute.
Camping by themselves?
Ho ho!
Ha ha ha!
I'd like to see that.
'That I really
would like to see.'
Well, then, put your money
where your mouth is
because I think
we should stay home
and, uh, let them see how
they do it by themselves.
- What do you say?
- I think that's great!
[indistinct chatter]
[instrumental music]
I got the water!
[indistinct chattering]
[music continues]
Hey, are you sure it's okay
to leave you guys behind?
Oh, yes, yes.
It's definitely okay.
Absolutely. I mean,
enjoy yourselves.
We'll be fine.
Okay.
[music continues]
[engine revving]
- How did he know?
- I don't know.
But I don't care.
The troops have landed.
And the beach is ours.
[music continues]
(Abby)
'I can't believe this!
Freedom!'
[laughing]
(Tom)
'Wait a minute.
Do you hear that?'
What? What?
Silence.
Oh, heh..
You know, there's something
I've always wanted to do
but I was too embarrassed
with the kids in the house.
But there are no kids
in the house now.
- Alright, I'm going to do it.
- Okay, do it, do it.
- You ready?
- What is it? What is it?
Abby, I love you!
Oh..
Tom!
- Ow!
- Oh-ho..
Now, listen, listen..
We only have hours,
minutes and seconds left.
First things first.
I have a present for you.
That's funny, 'cause
I have a present for you!
I can't wait to open it.
Ow..
It's beautiful!
[both laughing]
(Tom)
Don't you think that
this is too short?
No, I think it's great.
You've cute knees.
Please, don't start
that again.
I'm sorry.
How is your appetite?
It's good. What are we
going to eat?
I was thinking of
Moo goo gai pan.
But I can't figure out how
to cut the recipe from to .
- Divide by five.
- Oh..
[instrumental music]
- I wanna propose a toast.
- A toast.
A toast to the thing
that parents everywhere
cherish the most.
- Privacy.
- Hear hear! Mm.
- Mm.
- This is so good.
Mm. Now, close your eyes.
- Close my eyes?
- Yes.
I want you, uh..
I want you to look
into the future.
Got it?
Got it.
Alright.
What is it going to be like
when all the kids
have finally moved
out of the house?
Uh, yes, I see us taking long
vacations in exotic paradises.
You are in a lava-lava.
I am in my sarong.
- What else?
- Mm, yes.
We don't have to lock
the bedroom door anymore.
'And...you finally write
that bestseller about your'
crazy life with eight kids,
and they making it into a movie
and of course they insist
that I play myself.
What about me? You said
I had a acting ability.
Oh.
Maybe a moustache would help.
Oh, no. My moustache
is turning gray.
We'll also spend a lot of time
with our grandchildren.
Grandchildren?
Grandchildren.
Do you realize that if each
one of your kids has at least
one child, we'll be
babysitting every night?
Imagine Nicholas as a father.
[laughing]
'Oh, no. I don't..'
Stop it. I-it's depressing.
It makes me feel so old.
[instrumental music]
You wanna dance, sailor?
I thought you'd never ask.
[laughs]
Aah..
Perfect.
"Ebb Tide."
[seagulls squawking]
[waves crashing]
You've got great moves.
I taught Gene Kelly
everything he knows.
[chuckles]
[doorbell rings]
- Oh, no.
- Mm..
This is ridiculous.
[doorbell rings]
- Max!
- Tom.
- Daisy.
- Abby!
Well, now that we've
introduced each other.
Well, uh, we just happen
to see the lights on.
- So we thought we'd..
- Drop by.
Well, actually, I, I just came
by to, uh, check up on Nicholas.
Oh, yeah, well,
Nicholas went camping
with all the other children!
Tom, uh, why the fire?
It's warm in here.
Isn't the air conditioner
on, too?
Well, I was cold.
Oh, yeah, but I was warm.
And so we, we compromised,
because we like each other.
How long have you
felt like this?
Maybe I should...give you
both a fast checkup.
Uh, no, no, listen, Max..
Uh-uh-uh can I, can I speak
to you for a second?
- Could you?
- Sure.
Listen..
You're probably wondering
why I'm wearing this outfit.
No, no, no, I understand.
You got cute knees.
Let me explain.
- What's going on here, Abby?
- Oh, nothing.
That's the problem.
Daisy, we've got to go.
- Oh, ah..
- Yes.
[laughing]
[door closes]
[instrumental music]
(Tom)
'Well, now, uh...let's see.'
Where were we?
Uh, r-right, well, um..
I think we were
right about here.
- Oh.
- I'm sorry.
That's okay.
It's really..
It's okay.
It's just..
[instrumental music]
Um, wait, right there.
That's better.
Okay.
- What's the matter?
- You want some wine?
Oh, yes, please.
That'd be nice.
Good. White? Red?
Well, we only have red.
[laughs]
Wait, just one second.
Okay.
Oh. I'm sorry.
It's just..
[laughs]
- Oh!
- Sorry.
[glass breaks]
Ow!
- Oh, look at this.
- Tom.
- What is the matter with me?
- Are you alright?
No, I'm bleeding to death.
- No.
- Oh, Abby.
This isn't going the way
I wanted it to go at all.
- Never mind that.
- I don't like it.
- We gotta take care this cut.
- I don't care about the cut.
This is awful.
- I'm not enjoying this.
- Oh, it's alright.
Oh, Tom. Does it hurt?
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, I can't stand the pain.
I know.
Abby, look.
Oh, right. I wonder
what else they forgot.
[instrumental music]
[sighs]
'Tom?'
Coming.
Well, Elizabeth forgot
her bathing suit.
And, uh, Susan forgot her hat,
and here's Nancy's camera.
- Tommy's binoculars.
- Yup.
- Nicholas' down jacket.
- Right.
Maybe my little general routine
wasn't so far off.
Maybe those kids do need us.
I don't know about us,
but I mean..
I guess they need
the first-aid kit, right?
Yeah, I know,
that bothered me, too.
But maybe one of the other
campers will have one.
Don't you think?
Well, I, I-I would
suppose so. Yes.
Why do we always
have to be parents?
Even criminals get time off
for good behavior.
- But, Tom--
- What are we talking about?
We scheme for a whole week so
we'd have privacy this weekend.
And what do we do?
We spent the whole weekend
worrying about the kids.
This is craziness.
Parents have rights too.
I am not gonna let
those kids rule our lives.
But, Tom, what about the stuff?
I mean, the kids probably
need the stuff, right?
[mimicking Clark Gable]
Frankly, my dear
I don't give a damn.
Uh-oh!
[instrumental music]
[waves crashing]
[turns off TV]
Oh, shucks.
We missed Johnny Carson.
You know, Abby,
I've got a question.
The answer is yes.
- No, no, no. Besides that.
- Besides what?
What shall we do for
the rest of the weekend?
I don't know.
What do you wanna do?
I don't know, Marty,
what do you wanna do?
I don't know.
[instrumental music]
Ooh, wait a minute.
I almost forgot something.
What?
[music continues]
- This is for privacy.
- What?
Oh, something I
picked up in case
our little plan didn't work.
A pup tent for two.
[Tom chuckles]
[instrumental music]
[indistinct chatter]
God, just look at
my fingernails.
Well, life's too rough
in the wilderness.
[indistinct chattering]
Very funny!
I wonder if anybody
tried to call me. Here.
Come on. Come on.
Hey, wait a minute, I get first
dibs in the shower, you guys!
[indistinct chattering]
Hey, this is no fair.
This kid's weighs a ton.
(Tom)
'Wait a minute, now,
aren't you kids gonna'
'give us a hand
with all this stuff?'
[indistinct chatter]
Lil' bit later, okay.
- Thank you.
- 'Well, we learned one thing.'
What?
Next time we want privacy
just give those kids a job to do
and let nature takes it course.
Oh, it's a small price to pay.
I thought it was
a lovely weekend.
At least we were alone.
We were alone.
Ooh, oh, my sunburn.
- My poison oak.
- Oh!
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
03x14 - Alone at Last
Watch/Buy Amazon
The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.
The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.