- Hi, dad.
- Hi, w-what is it, Nicholas?
I need a book.
Oh, really? A book!
Well, that pleases me.
Finally, one of my children is
eschewing television for a book.
Let's see now.
A book for Nicholas.
What would be good for you now?
Oh, uh, oh, oh, oh,
this is perfect, perfect.
"Gulliver's Travels."
You'll love this.
I read it when
I was your age.
All those little people.
- This isn't what I want.
- Oh, no? Hmm, I liked it.
Well, alright, hold on, hold
over, will get you something..
Oh, oh, oh. If this is..
This is it, this is it.
"The Adventures Of Tom Sawyer."
This is so exciting.
It's about this boy that grows
up in the South and Missouri
a hundred years ago.
It's too old.
Oh, what do you mean too old?
Great literature is timeless.
- Ah, now this is what I want.
- What's that?
"The Valley Of The dolls."
Oh, no.
It's perfect.
Oh, no, Nicholas.
Y-you don't even know
what it's about.
Sure, I do.
I saw the movie on television
at Kenny P. Lander's house.
Well, uh, well, then
why would you wanna read it?
Read it?
I'm not gonna read it.
I need the book to lay my
tracing paper up against.
[instrumental music]
Just don't trace
anything from chapter .
[theme song]
♪ There's a magic in
the early morning we've found ♪
♪ When the sunrise smiles on
everything around ♪
♪ It's a portrait
of the happiness ♪
♪ That we feel and always will ♪
♪ Oh eight is enough
to fill our lives with love ♪
♪ Oh we spend our days ♪
♪ Like bright
and shiny new dimes ♪
♪ If we're ever puzzled
by the changing times ♪
♪ There's a plate
of homemade wishes ♪
♪ On the kitchen windowsill ♪
♪ And eight is enough ♪
♪ To fill our lives with love ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Well, listen, Debbie, why don't
you come over to our house
and study?
It's really pretty quiet.
Oh, yes, I know. It used to be
like a zoo, but not anymore.
See, three of the animals
escaped.
I've even got my own cage now.
- 'Elizabeth!'
- Uh, alright, alright.
Hey, listen, I've got to go now
but I'll see you
in about an hour, okay?
Okay, bye-bye.
- What's up?
- KP.
I just did the dishes
last night.
Yes, you did, and you'll
probably do them tomorrow night
and the night after that.
You gotta keep in mind,
there are three less
dishwashers around here.
Ah, but look,
on the bright side
more telephone time,
more bathroom time.
- And more manual labor.
- More peace and quiet.
Yeah, more peace and quiet.
Where's the dish towel?
It's right here.
Boy, I sure envy
Joannie, Susan and Nancy.
Having their own place,
doing what they want
when they want.
Not being accountable to anyone.
- Namely Tom Bradford.
- How'd you guess?
You can't even make
a move in this house
without getting
the third degree.
Dad would've made a great cop.
Can you see him?
[imitating Tom]
"Alright, where were you
on the night of July th?
"What do you mean,
you had a date?
Just who was this guy?"
I mean, we don't even have
the right to remain silent.
Well, there are people
in the house.
It was so quiet,
I was beginning to wonder.
I mean, I never knew
that three less bodies
could make
such a big difference.
Uh, we could always adopt, dad.
Are you kidding?
And go back to that rocket?
'I never knew how nice
peace and quiet was.'
Oh, and guess what, there's
nobody in the living room
watching TV for
the first time in my life.
I will be able to see
what I wanna see.
Well, you won't get
any competition from me.
Me neither.
Oh, really, why?
What are you two up to?
Uh, friends comin' over
to study.
Uh, I'm going to the library
to meet someone.
Really? Who?
- Marty.
- Oh, Marty.
Who's Marty?
Dad, we just met in school.
What is he like?
Dad, we just share a cadaver.
(both)
Eww.
[indistinct chatter]
Maybe you should just go on
into the, uh, living room
and watch your TV show
otherwise you won't
have a chance to.
Eww.
Oh, how I envy
Joannie, Susan and Nancy.
Free from the grand inquisitor.
Independent.
Happy.
[instrumental music]
[sighs]
[indistinct chatter]
- Oh, hi, Joannie.
- Hi, Joannie.
Ah, maybe she didn't hear us.
(both)
Hi, Joannie.
Where have you guys been?
Oh, I was at the daycare center,
where else?
Yeah, and I was going
door-to-door
trying to get people to use
Madame Sang's
frozen Chinese dinners
for the marketing research
survey I'm taking.
As you can see,
she wasn't too successful.
No.
- Here, let me help.
- Thanks.
You guys know what time it is?
I mean, if you knew
you were going to be late
at least you could call.
I didn't hear that, did I?
She must be taking courses
at the Tom Bradford school
of keeping tabs.
No, I'm not keeping tabs.
It's just that
you're over an hour late.
You could've been lying
in the gutter somewhere.
I think she's gonna
graduate with honors.
Really, Joannie,
we appreciate your concern
but we are big girls now.
(Nancy)
'Yeah, if we wanted
to report in every minute'
'we could have
stayed at home.'
'It would've been
a lot cheaper.'
Remember, we took this apartment
as mature, responsible peers.
We agreed that no one
would be in charge.
[chuckles]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yes, you're right.
I'm kind of being
a mother hen, huh?
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
- Now go wash your hands.
- Hey.
I'm only kidding,
I'm only kidding.
[Mary laughing]
(Mary)
'Come in.'
Mary, why are you up so...late?
(Mary)
'Oh, we were just
studying, dad.'
Dad, this is my friend,
Marty Shore.
Marty, this is my father
Tom Bradford.
How do you do, sir?
Look, uh, Mary,
it's getting late.
I think I better leave.
Okay, uh, thanks for
coming over, Marty.
'I'll see you
in class tomorrow.'
Yeah.
- Um, nice meeting you, sir.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mary.
- 'Bye, Marty.'
You sure know
how to clear a room.
Mary, I shouldn't
have to be clearing a room
at : in the morning.
Particularly, when it's the
member of the opposite sex.
Dad, we were just studying.
With the door closed?
W-we didn't want
to disturb anyone.
Listen, dad, I think
it's time that you and I
had a little talk, okay?
- Hmm.
- About the facts of life.
- Now, wait a--
- Sit down please.
About the facts of my life.
Dad, I'm years old.
I'm not a child anymore.
I can take care of myself.
Yes, well, I mean, you're still
living under my roof.
I live under your roof because
I can't afford my own roof.
Look, uh, dad
you, of all people have
got to understand it.
That there comes a time
when children grow up
and, and they don't appreciate
that constant policing.
Look, three of your children
just moved out
and if you're not careful
you're gonna alienate
the rest of them.
Now, what are you saying,
that I'm driving my children
out of the house?
No, I'm trying to tell
you that that your children
aren't all children anymore.
We're growing up.
[instrumental music]
Dad, I'm trying to help you,
not hurt you.
I know.
I know, Mary.
[music continues]
Do you know it's an hour
and a half past
your curfew, young man?
- Uh, listen, dad, I--
- No, no, no.
We'll discuss it
in the morning.
[music continues]
Boy, I bet you never
thought I'd have my own room.
It's pretty neat, huh?
'You know, maybe tomorrow night,
I'll invite Erwin J. More over.'
He can sleep in
Tommy's old bed.
You know, I wonder if Tommy
likes havin' his own room.
Maybe I better check on him.
Just to see if he's lonely.
You know, he's not
used to sleepin' alone.
[instrumental music]
Oh, Nicholas, not again.
This has been going on
for over a week.
Well, I just wanted to
make sure you weren't lonely.
Yeah, I guess I am
a little bit lonely.
Maybe you better
hang around a while, huh?
Sure, anything to help you out.
Hey, okay, hey, just don't let
this get around, alright?
Gotcha.
[music continues]
[bang on door]
Nancy, could you
hurry it up in there?
(Nancy)
'Susan, I'll be right out.'
Oh, no.
Line forms right there.
Yeah, okay.
Boy, there must be some way
to get her to move faster.
We could yell. Fire!
Think you'd get better results
if you yelled men.
Men!
[chuckles]
See what I told you.
The bathroom is all yours.
Uh-huh. Thanks.
Except there's no
hot water left.
- Oh, what?
- Oh, Nancy.
Nancy, you know, if you wouldn't
hog the bathroom all the time--
Hog the bathroom?
I was hardly even in
there a minute before
Susan started pounding
on the door.
A person can't get
any privacy around here?
[indistinct chatter]
Hi, there!
I was just leaving,
the closet door is fixed
but obviously
you have some other problems
like organization?
Really?
You know, maybe David's right.
Organization might be
what we need.
Now, we can not only use
a schedule for this bathroom
we could use some for the phone,
for the kitchen.
The whole apartment for dates.
As I said, I was just leaving.
- Ah, David, um..
- There's no hot water left.
Call the landlady.
The only word she
understands is rent.
David, could you just
have a look at it, please?
Okay, okay.
Where's the hot water heater?
Could you give me a hint?
I told you what he said.
Quote, "We'll discuss it
in the morning." End quote.
I can't believe he came in
a whole hour and a half late.
I bet Tommy's gonna
really get it this time.
Nicholas, your father
is not to get anyone.
Did I miss him?
No, h-he's still upstairs.
Oh, well, little curfew breaker,
maybe if you eat real fast
'you can disappear
before the axe falls.'
Maybe, if you eat real fast,
you'll disappear all together.
Oh, and miss all the fun?
Will you two knock it off,
please?
Mary's right, you know
your father's very serious
about curfew.
Tell me about it.
I bet you're gonna get it.
Thanks, Nicholas, I needed that.
Dad, I'm really sorry
about what happened last night
and it'll never happen again.
Tommy, I've decided
not to punish you.
We're all entitled
to a mistake now and then.
Listen, I'm gonna have breakfast
at the office. I've gotta run.
Goodbye, little family.
How come Tommy didn't get it?
Trust me.
Just trust me.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
Well, it's o'clock.
Yeah, all present
and accounted for, except dad.
Abby, do you know
what this is about?
I haven't got a clue.
Maybe he's changed
his mind about Tommy.
You mean, Tommy's gonna
get it after all?
Nicholas, come on, if dad
was gonna give it to Tommy
why would he ask all of us here?
Who knows? All I do know is that
he's definitely not a well man.
I mean, when Tom Bradford
says it's okay for us to make
a mistake now and then,
you know something's wrong.
Okay, shh!
- Hi, everybody.
- Hi.
[chuckles]
I suppose you wonder
why I've asked you all
here this evening.
Well, I-I've given it
some thought
about what happened last night
and I think I've come up with a
way to avoid that in the future.
Because of you, we're probably
all gonna find another house.
I have decided to
lift the curfew.
That is, everyone is on their
own discretion, except Abby.
She still has to
be in by midnight.
- Oh, great. Thanks, dad.
- Thanks, dad.
Well, well, glad to see
our little talk helped.
[chuckles]
Dad, can I have a curfew?
You, you've never
had a curfew to begin with.
I know. That's why I want one.
Oh, well, I don't see why not.
Alright, every night, you have
to be in by : and a half.
Wow!
Alright,
so what are you doin' now?
I know what you're thinking,
and I'm telling you right now
that just trust me.
Yes, but lifting the curfew
seems a little radical to me.
You're not trusting me.
That's it.
Your garbage disposal is fixed.
Thanks, David,
put it on our tab.
Sorry, there will be
no more tab.
As of this minute, your friendly
local repairman is quitting.
Oh, was it something we said?
No, it's the hours.
Oh, David, what if
something else breaks down?
- Yeah.
- Punt!
(Joannie)
'Thanks a lot.'
Really?
Bye, David. Bye, David.
What is with him?
Just throwing in his toolbox.
Yeah, from now on, if something
doesn't work around here
it probably never will.
Terrific.
Hey, uh,
did you work on a schedule
for using the apartment yet?
Mm. Mm.
It's right here.
Tell me what you think.
It's very fair, very fair.
- Hey.
- What?
I thought we were
equal partners in this place.
We are.
Well, why do you
have Friday nights
'and you have Saturday nights.'
Seniority, my dear, seniority.
No, no. Now, see this just
represents this weekend, Nance.
See now, I mean,
if you look further down
you see
it's on a rotating basis.
I mean, if you look down here
eventually you get the place
on a weekend night.
Until then, eat your heart out.
Oh, God,
look it's almost after :.
I gotta go, you guys.
Um, Susan, would you do the
dishes? I'll pay you back. Bye.
I better finish getting ready
before the rest
of the bathroom goes.
Do the dishes,
I'll pay you back.
[telephone ringing]
Hello.
Oh, hi, Scott. How are you?
Terrific.
Yeah, the offer's still open.
Sure.
I'd love to cook you dinner.
You're only free
on Friday night?
No, no.
There's no problem at all.
Okay. I'll see you then.
Bye.
Oh, Susan.
- Marvin.
- It's, uh, Marty, sir.
Oh, Marty, of course.
How could I forget?
Listen, you're not leaving,
are you?
- Well..
- Oh, why, it's early.
Please, why don't
you stay for dinner?
I wouldn't want
to put anyone out.
You're not putting anyone out.
There's always room
for one more.
Any friend of one of my kids
is always a friend of mine.
So, tell me something,
Morten, how do you know Mary?
Uh, human anatomy class.
That was a delicious meal.
My compliments to the chef.
Oh, Abby gets the
credit for this one.
Your compliments accepted.
You know, um, I've heard so much
about your large family.
Well...where is everybody?
I've been asking myself
the same question all evening.
Well, I, um, I know that, that
Nicholas is over at J. More
for dinner, but I don't know
where Tommy and Elizabeth are.
Oh, please, I'm sure they're
all out, having a good time.
Don't you think
we should know where they are
having a good time?
You'll have to excuse Abby.
She hasn't had the experience
that I've had as a parent.
And if there's one thing
I've learnt in rising eight kids
is that you cannot
keep constant tabs on them.
You got to trust them, and
believe me, I trust my children.
I'm learning all the time
that you've, you've got
to let them have freedom.
Freedom is very important
to young people.
You've got to let them
fend for themselves.
Make their own decisions.
Be independent.
I've always said that freedom
is the road to responsibility.
How come I always
run into the roadblocks?
Would like
some more pie, uh, uh, Marty?
- You-you remembered, sir.
- Of course.
[instrumental music]
[alarm ringing]
Nicholas?
Nicholas,
what are you doin' in here?
- Where am I?
- You are in my room.
How did I get in here?
I must have walked in my sleep.
Well, now that you're awake, why
don't you walk right out, okay?
[sighs]
[dish clanging]
[dishes clattering]
Joannie!
Joannie.
How can I sleep
with all your noise?
I'm sorry,
I'm trying to be quiet.
Well, you're not doing
a very good job of it.
Oh, you woke up in the wrong
side of the bed, didn't you?
Couch. Living room couch.
You know, I don't think
it's fair that you and Susan
each get your own room,
and I have to sleep out there.
Well, Nancy, you know why?
Yeah, I know. I know.
Seniority.
Do you realize that I'm making
more money than any of you?
Yeah, well you may
be the richest
but you're also the youngest.
And as in the Bradford
household, seniority rules.
Thank you, Tom Bradford.
Hey, hey, uh, if you're thinkin'
of, uh, using the bathroom
you're too late.
You'll just have to wait,
Susan's in there.
'You missed your turn.'
What? I can't even use
the bathroom when I have to?
We must be the only
people in the world
who have put nature
on a schedule.
Okay, starting with..
Hi, Abby.
Oh, Elizabeth.
Boy, am I glad to see you.
I could sure use a hand with
dinner, could you please--
Oh, I'd love to, Abby,
but see I've got to shower
change clothes, and be
downtown in an hour, you know.
Oh, but if it'll help you any,
you don't have to bother
with dinner for me, bye.
Oh, hi, guys. Hey, I could sure
use a hand with dinner.
Sorry, Abby, but I've got
a basketball game tonight.
(Abby)
'Nicholas?'
Oh, I'm eating dinner
at Erwin J. More again.
Why doesn't Erwin J. More
ever come here for dinner?
He doesn't like the food here.
Hi, everybody. I'm home.
Oh, that's just great.
Well, hello, how are you
would be nice.
I don't have time.
I have to get dinner ready.
Oh, why isn't one of
the kids helping you?
Because they have better
things to do with their time.
Because kitchen duty and
cleaning detail are no longer
a part of their busy schedules,
remember the new deal?
So, we'll eat out.
I don't have time,
I have a class in minutes.
Why do you think I am running
around so frantically?
It's alright. Don't worry.
You go to your class.
I'll fend for myself.
I'll call Max, and we'll do
something together tonight.
Tom..
I love you so much.
Thank you. You're such
a good husband. I love you.
Oh, hi, Max, it's me, Tom.
Listen, uh, how would you like
to have dinner tonight?
You know, little chilli,
a couple of beers
over the Holosko, uh,
hot dog pit?
Boys night out?
Oh, yeah. Oh, no, no.
That's alright. Don't worry.
I mean, I didn't
give you much notice.
No, it's okay.
We'll do it some other time.
Yeah, I might just
stay home here alone.
I'll have
the whole house to myself.
It might be nice.
In fact, it sounds
like a great idea.
Just great.
Uh, bye-bye.
[instrument music on TV]
Anybody home?
Well..
This is an unexpected pleasure.
Well, I just dropped by
to return your drill.
Hmm. Thanks.
It's so quiet.
Where is everybody?
Yeah, well, everybody
is out doing their own thing.
Hey, lucky you.
Yeah, it's great.
Just, just great.
Do you wanna go to the movies
tonight? Just you and me?
The two of us?
Oh, no, and ruin your chances
for a night of solitude.
I wouldn't do that to you, dad.
Besides, Janet's waiting for me.
Here. I'll see you later.
Oh, alright, thanks.
[sighs]
Oh, boy, if I never see
another plate of chow mein
it won't be too soon.
Hey, don't knock it.
That's free food.
She's got a point there, kid.
[yawning]
You know, you guys..
...I think
I'm just gonna stretch out
in front of the TV tonight.
I'm exhausted. What's on here?
[clears throat]
Since the TV is in my room,
don't you think
you should get my permission
to use it?
Hey, cute,
but, uh, give her a break.
[knock on door]
Tell whoever it is,
I'm not home.
[laughter]
Sec.
- Surprise!
- Dad.
Hey, this really is a surprise.
I was in the neighborhood,
I thought I'd drop by.
I brought you
your favorite food, Chinese!
You know, I bet you
don't remember that
you used to wear
braces on your feet.
That's right,
that you had this metal bar
and it was attached
to both of your shoes
and every night, your mother
and I would try to put
the bar on you, and every night
you would cry and cry
ha ha ha.
Well, uh, I hate to
break up the party down
but it's really getting late.
Oh, yeah?
Oh, it is just only :.
I don't know about Joannie
or Susan, but I'm bushed.
Well, I won't be insulted
if you go to sleep.
You're in my bedroom.
Dad, I've got a lot
of studying to do.
Besides, um,
aren't they gonna be missing you
back at the house?
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Gee, they'll have
the police out
looking for me any second now.
Well, you know,
we ought to do this more often.
Oh, dad, any time
you want, dad, really.
Good. Well, sleep tight
and don't let the bed bugs bite.
- Okay, yeah.
- You too, dad.
- We'll see ya.
- Goodnight.
[yawning]
Anybody home?
well, I'll see
what I can do, Eric.
Hold on.
Joannie, you're just the person
that I'm looking for.
Look, Susan, I'm looking
for my term paper notes
on Sarah Bernhardt.
Have you seen them?
Joannie, I need the apartment
Saturday night.
Look, Nancy's traded me
her Sunday for my Friday.
Now, I need your Saturday
for her old Sunday, okay?
No, it is not okay.
My entire grade
depends on this paper.
Susan, will you help me find it?
- Sure, Joannie, I'll help you.
- Oh, thank you, Susan.
If you'll help me.
Oh, I really appreciate it.
Okay, my pleasure.
A deal is a deal.
Have, uh, look over there.
It could be--
Could you have left
it at the library?
- What?
- Joannie, could you have..
The library, could you have left
your term paper at the library?
The library.
Yeah, maybe it, it is.
I remember when I took
the books and I put the..
Oh, right, of course, Susan.
You're a genius.
Oh, how can I ever thank you?
- You already have.
- Okay, see ya.
- Yeah, I'll see ya.
- Okay.
- Oh. Oh, my purse?
- Here's your purse.
- Here.
- Oh, thank you.
- Alright, I'll see you later.
- See you later.
Eric, I did it.
Saturday night, my place.
Bye.
Oh, so, you got any big plans
for Saturday night?
No, not yet
but I think I can
think of something
to keep me out until : a.m.
- 'How about you?'
- Oh, it's ridiculous.
Now that I can stay out
till noon Sunday
I don't even have a date.
No date?
Elizabeth Bradford?
Oh, great, now you'll go
blab it all over Sacramento.
Hey, why not, maybe
some guy will hear about it
and ask you out on a date.
Over your dead body.
This is our secret, okay, Tommy?
A girl has pride.
Hey, what do you want?
Pride or a date?
Now, look, if a guy
doesn't call you
just discreetly call a guy.
I tried discreetly
calling a guy or two.
'And?'
Would you believe
they all have curfews?
[chuckles]
[intense music]
[Abby sighs]
[both chuckling]
Uh, did we have a hurricane
while I wasn't looking?
No, I-I trusted you.
Do you remember
when you didn't punish Tommy
and you told me to trust you?
'And do you remember
when you dropped curfew'
and you told me to trust you?
Well, I trusted you,
and trust equals dust.
Well, I-I don't see
what lifting a curfew
has to do with bad housekeeping.
Because ever since you
dropped curfew, every other rule
and regulation in this house
has just fallen by the wayside.
Nobody knows
where anybody else is.
None of the chores
ever get done.
In short,
Tom Bradford, the inmates
have taken over the asylum
and the warden
doesn't even care.
Well, now I've been
accused of a lot of things
in my life, but I've never
been accused of not caring.
Then, how else would you explain
what's going on around here?
It's two simple words.
Mother's rule.
Mother's rule?
Yes, that was the philosophy
that my mother taught me
when I was a little boy.
It's a very simple
and quite effective.
'Want me to explain it to you?'
L-let's say there's a book
that you do not want
your children to read.
Here's what you do.
You take that book
and you place it
in the center of the bookcase
within easy reach
of the little children.
They will ignore it completely.
Now, let's say there's
a book that you do want
them to read,
aha, you take that book
and you place it
way up on the top
'of the bookshelf,
way over the end, out of reach.'
'They'll get to it,
and they'll read it.'
It's reverse psychology.
Anything that is easily
accessible is less desirable.
- And that's mother's rule?
- Oh, yes.
O-okay then, now let me see
if I, if I have this straight.
You drop the curfew,
you give the kids their freedom
and they won't want it?
Gee, you're a very quick study.
I'm also a skeptic.
Tom, the kids
are using their freedom
like it's going out of style.
That's because
it's new to them.
Don't worry, things will go back
to normal as soon
as the newness wears off.
Or we wear out.
I am not sure that mother's rule
is applicable in situations
of real importance.
We are not dealing
with books here.
We're talking
about how a family survives.
Boy, you know, you act
like I'm a newcomer
in the child-rearing business.
Children do need discipline.
Really? Did discipline
keep Joannie and Nancy
and Susan from moving out?
Please, give mother's rule
a chance before I lose
the rest of my children.
I've never seen that.
I bet if we..
Oh, h-hi, Nicholas.
Um, what are you doing up?
A-are you sleepwalking again?
I must be.
Oh, um, Nicholas, this is Marty.
Marty, this is Nicholas,
our resident sleepwalker.
- Hi, Nicholas.
- Hi.
If I knew you had company,
I would have sleepwalked
someplace else.
Well, that's alright.
Um, do you want me
to walk you back to room?
Can I stay?
Sorry, champ, we gotta study.
I guess so.
Okay, I'll be right back, Marty.
Bye, Nicholas.
Bye. I'd like to meet you
sometime when I'm awake.
- Joannie, do you have a minute?
- No.
Well, how about seconds?
No, uh, look,
would you please go away, Nancy?
I have to retype
my entire term paper.
I can't even read the notes.
But, Joannie, I need
the apartment Saturday night.
Look, I traded Susan
my Sunday for her Friday
but Scott has to work on Friday,
and I need your Saturday.
Oh, look, Nancy,
um, I'm not sure
but I vaguely remember
there's some reason
that I can't give
you Saturday night.
Well, why not?
'I don't know.
I don't remember.'
Well, if you can't remember,
then it can't be that important
and to me, believe me,
Saturday is life or death.
Well, okay, whatever, look,
I'll be too exhausted anyway.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, Nancy, look, you made me
erase the only word I typed.
I'm sorry.
Scott?
Nancy.
Yeah, we're all set.
Saturday.
My place.
Oh! Tommy?
Who's the lucky girl?
Well, I haven't decided yet.
[chuckles]
In other words
you don't have a date either.
No, let me put it this way.
It's, uh, Saturday night
and there are hundreds
of lonely foxes out there
and I figured,
"Hey, now, why should I ignore
my freedom and hoard
my availability?"
'Would you like to come along?'
Are you crazy?
Be seen on Saturday night
with my little brother?
I'd rather get zits.
Hey, well, don't say
I wasn't a gentleman.
Well, it's a historical
Saturday night.
Elizabeth is home.
See, mother's rule is working.
Oh, I don't think
Elizabeth is home
just to please her
poor and lonely father.
Hmm, you think
she's changing her lifestyle?
Hardly.
Well, then what is it?
I just don't think
she has a date.
- Oh.
- Oh.
[doorbell rings]
I got it.
- Hi.
- May I speak to Elizabeth?
What about?
(Brandon)
'Would you tell her
that Brandon Symington'
'is here to see her.'
(Nicholas)
'Who?'
- Brandon Symington?
- That creep.
Come on in.
She'll be glad to see someone.
She doesn't even have a date.
(Brandon)
'So I heard.'
Oh, oh.
There she is.
Elizabeth, you got rescued.
[whispers]
Would you give me the towel?
Hello, Elizabeth.
Remember me?
Hello, Brandon.
How could I forget?
Tommy, he's at least five years
older than Elizabeth.
No, no, no,
he looks harmless to me.
No college man is ever
harmless to a high school girl.
And as long as you are not busy
I thought we could
take in a second show
at the art theatre
and then, there's
a fantastic new poet
giving all night readings
at the Lonely Unicorn.
He's a harmless intellectual.
I hate to tell you this
but some of the most
aggressive dates
I ever fought off
were harmless intellectuals.
Brandon, I'd love to see
the film and hear the poet
and everything,
but, uh, I can't.
I know you don't have
another date, Elizabeth.
Oh, I know.
Uh, but I have a curfew.
No, she hasn't.
Hi, we're a modern family.
No curfews, no restrictions.
No third degree.
I'm Elizabeth's father
and I've written
a few poems myself.
How do you do, sir?
Then, it's alright with you
if Elizabeth comes with me?
(Tom)
'Oh, yes, of course.'
I mean, it's Elizabeth's life.
- She can do what she wants.
- Thanks, dad.
That's a very refreshing
viewpoint, Mr. Bradford.
Well, I like to try
to keep up with the times.
My children are mature,
responsible individuals.
Mr. Bradford,
you're an enlightened father.
Oh, Mr. Bradford,
you're a disaster.
(Tom)
'Hi, how about a little TV?'
There's a great fight
on channel nine.
Oh, there's gonna
be a much better fight
right here
in this living room.
Tom, Elizabeth,
didn't you see
did not want to go out
with that pompous bore.
Far be it for me to interfere
in Elizabeth's social life.
But you are interfering.
What? How can you say that?
Did I ask him
any embarrassing questions?
Did I say,
"How old are you, young man?"
Did I say, uh,
"What does your father do?"
"Were you ever a boy scout?"
"May I see
your bank references?"
Maybe you should have.
Oh, real..
Oh, no, no.
I have already had three
daughters move out of my house
because I was too nosy
and overprotective.
Believe me, it's not
going to happen again.
You're gonna regret this.
Abby, let me
tell you something.
The only way to survive
in the parent business
is not to worry.
If you say so.
[sighs]
Fabulous flick.
I probably would have
gotten more out of it
if I understood Japanese.
Couldn't you read
the French subtitles?
Huh, only when
the geisha girls said oui.
Oh, I should
have interpreted for you.
Would you like to go back
and see it again?
No, thanks,
this is one of those movies
you prefer to see only once
or even less, you know?
Besides, I have a headache
'and you should
probably take me home.'
Oh, a headache's no problem.
Arnold Ashworth
is in to holistic healing.
Arnold who?
The all night poet.
Come on, if we hurry,
we can still catch
his opening stanza.
Oh.
[engine revving]
Aah.
Dinner was terrific, Nancy.
Thanks, Scott.
Would you like some dessert?
- I'd love some.
- Okay.
Uh, that's not what I meant.
I thought you said we'd have
this place to ourselves?
That's what I thought.
Let me straighten this out.
Susan.
Scott Crandle.
Eric Richards.
Hmm.
Susan, what are you doing here?
This isn't your night.
What am I doing here?
What are you doing here?
You had the place last night.
I know. I traded with you.
Yeah, and I traded
with Joannie for tonight.
(Susan)
'I traded with Joannie
for tonight.'
- Who's Joannie?
- Beats me, who's Susan?
This is her apartment.
Oh, no, no.
This is Nancy's apartment.
(Susan)
'Wait till I get ahold of her.'
Yeah, until we get ahold of her
what are we gonna do
in the meantime?
Well, I say we go with
the old Bradford tradition.
Seniority rules.
Bye, Nancy.
And I say we go with the new
Bradford tradition. m*rder.
[instrumental music]
Purple scarlet fears
cantalouped in
the plastic plexi.
'Street urchins, grapefruit
in the screaming night'
'hobos squashed in the jungle.'
"Where are you..
"...Nathaniel Hawthorne?
Speak up.
Joan of Arc..
How's your headache?
It's moved to my stomach.
[door opens]
[door shuts]
Hey-hey, what's going on here?
A convention?
Is somethin' wrong?
Think that's Joannie?
Must be.
Two spades.
Looks the type.
Two no Tr*mp.
[laughing]
Yes, something's
definitely wrong, huh?
Oh, maybe I better go
outside and come in again.
Uh, maybe I better
go out and stay out.
[clock chimes]
[whistles]
- Hi, dad.
- Hi, Tommy.
I, uh, I didn't
think you'd be up.
Oh, really? Why not?
The evening's just begun.
Yeah, don't rub it in, dad.
I just thought
I'd come home early
and get some rest
and I could be out
later tomorrow night.
I don't wanna hear
about it, Tommy.
That's your business.
[whistles]
(Nicholas)
'Hi, Tommy.'
Nicholas,
what are you doing here?
I didn't want you
to get lonely.
Hey, squirt,
I think it's about time
that you and I spend one night
in separate rooms, okay?
I can handle it alone.
Are you sure?
Yeah, I'm sure.
If you say so.
Okay.
- And hey, bud.
- Yeah?
Uh, thanks for worrying
about me, okay?
Things are really bananas
around here and it helps a lot.
Oh, don't mention it.
[instrumental music]
Well, it looks like
Tommy is grown up
and I finally get to sleep
at my own room by myself.
You know, maybe I better
just leave the light on.
In case, Tommy wants to come in
in the middle of the night.
But Sarc denied
the existence of God.
He also denied the existence
of any set pattern
of human behavior.
Exactly.
See, man becomes
what he wills himself to be.
But as he perceives
the futility of his efforts
to perceive the paradoxes
of the universe,
he sees himself alone
and the world as absurd.
And only in this absurdity..
...is that beauty.
How profound!
Yeah.
I've got a great sermon on
that in my : a.m. reading.
Oh.
Susan, I am telling you,
I don't remember
trading nights with you.
Joannie, how can you
not remember?
It was the day
you were running around here
looking for your term paper
on Elmer Bernstein.
It was Sarah Bernhardt.
See, see, you could've
a lapse of memory too.
Now, don't you go trying
to get out of this.
You're guilty.
Alright, I'm guilty.
I'm guilty,
I'm guilty.
'I'm sorry.'
It was my mistake.
Yeah, it was our mistake
for letting you
put us on a schedule
in the first place.
Nancy, you're the one that asked
for a dating schedule.
It's definitely one of
the weirder dates I've been on.
Really?
Mayonnaise?
Hmm, thanks.
[clock chimes]
Tom, it's o'clock
in the morning.
I just checked
Elizabeth's room
and she's not home yet.
- I know.
- You know?
Oh! Oh, yes.
You don't wanna meddle
in your kids' lives.
I-I, I know that, but,
but o'clock in the morning
is a safe time to start being
concerned, don't you think?
Abby, you don't have to worry.
Look at me, I'm not worried.
I'm calm and cool,
not a sign of anxiety.
Just because it's o'clock
in the morning
there's no reason
to cause alarm.
But he's a college senior.
A testimony to his diligence
and maturity.
Maybe he didn't even take
Elizabeth to the poetry reading.
Maybe he has his own apartment.
[chuckles]
Why do you say that?
Because he leered at Elizabeth.
Come on, he didn't leer.
- He leered.
- He leered?
- Oh, then, I am worried.
- Where are you going?
I'm going back to father's rule.
You stay by the phone.
[whispers]
Okay, stay by the phone.
Mother's rule, mother's rule.
And one day, I'm gonna
find an image to carry
that th century
beyond futility
to the rebirth of despair.
Okay, where is she?
Hmm? I-I beg your pardon.
Elizabeth Bradford,
where is she?
She's, she's gone.
- What do you mean she's gone?
- I don't know.
You don't know?
H-how could you not know?
Well, Arnold and I were having
a discussion on the parameters
of existential verse
and I sort of remember seeing
her sitting in that chair.
Listen, if anything happened
to her, I, I, uh..
Hey, man, let's see,
where was I?
Oh, yeah..
Operator, get me
the police please.
Tom, did you say the police?
Abby, that college man
has lost Elizabeth.
No, Tom, wait--
After I call the police
we'll drive over
to the girls' apartment
and then we'll drive over
to David's apartment.
Then all the whole family
will call in the streets
and we've gotta find him.
I always told you, you cannot
trust those college types.
- Would you just listen?
- The line is disconnected.
What, oh, it's you,
why did you do that?
Because look..
What's going on?
Elizabeth, thank God, it's you.
Are you alright?
Well, yeah, dad, considering
I had to walk all the way
from that dumb coffee house.
She arrived just about
two minutes after you left.
Why didn't you call me
to come and pick you up?
I didn't think
you wanted to be bothered.
Bothered?
I went way past bothered.
I, I was getting up to frantic.
Well, then, why didn't
you say something?
Why did you let me go
with that creep Brandon
without even
a curfew to help me?
Mother's rule.
What was it, dad?
Mother's rule.
What's mother's rule?
It's the worst natural
disaster since termites.
Oh, never mind.
It only works with things
that you don't care about.
And you, Elizabeth,
I care about very much.
- Are you sure, daddy?
- Yeah.
I've never been more sure
of anything in my whole life.
Oh, that's good to know, dad.
That's so good to know.
Hey, Tom Bradford, welcome home.
[chuckles]
- I'll, uh, see you guys later.
- Oh, hey, Tommy--
I know, be in by midnight.
I wouldn't wanna turn
into a pumpkin now, would I?
- Bye.
- Bye.
Uh, we're gonna be taking
the station wagon, okay?
- Yeah.
- Sure.
Leave me some gas.
Oh, and girls..
Dad, we're only going
to the movies.
Just a reminder.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Well, so much
for mother's rule.
I don't know.
It worked for my mother.
Yes, but things
were much simpler back then.
Dad, can I ask you a favor?
Why, sure. Certainly, Nicholas.
Well, it's about
my curfew, you see.
Do you wanna stay out
all night?
'Unh-unh.'
Well, then, what do you want?
Well, dad, I'm kind of
tired tonight, you see
and I wanted to ask you,
do I have to stay up
all the way till
: and half?
[both laughing]
[theme music]
[music continues]
03x17 - Mother's Rule
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The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.
The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.