03x17 - Mother's Rule

[bunniefuu]

- Hi, dad.

- Hi, w-what is it, Nicholas?

I need a book.

Oh, really? A book!

Well, that pleases me.

Finally, one of my children is

eschewing television for a book.

Let's see now.

A book for Nicholas.

What would be good for you now?

Oh, uh, oh, oh, oh,

this is perfect, perfect.

"Gulliver's Travels."

You'll love this.

I read it when

I was your age.

All those little people.

- This isn't what I want.

- Oh, no? Hmm, I liked it.

Well, alright, hold on, hold

over, will get you something..

Oh, oh, oh. If this is..

This is it, this is it.

"The Adventures Of Tom Sawyer."

This is so exciting.

It's about this boy that grows

up in the South and Missouri

a hundred years ago.

It's too old.

Oh, what do you mean too old?

Great literature is timeless.

- Ah, now this is what I want.

- What's that?

"The Valley Of The dolls."

Oh, no.

It's perfect.

Oh, no, Nicholas.

Y-you don't even know

what it's about.

Sure, I do.

I saw the movie on television

at Kenny P. Lander's house.

Well, uh, well, then

why would you wanna read it?

Read it?

I'm not gonna read it.

I need the book to lay my

tracing paper up against.

[instrumental music]

Just don't trace

anything from chapter .

[theme song]

♪ There's a magic in

the early morning we've found ♪

♪ When the sunrise smiles on

everything around ♪

♪ It's a portrait

of the happiness ♪

♪ That we feel and always will ♪

♪ Oh eight is enough

to fill our lives with love ♪

♪ Oh we spend our days ♪

♪ Like bright

and shiny new dimes ♪

♪ If we're ever puzzled

by the changing times ♪

♪ There's a plate

of homemade wishes ♪

♪ On the kitchen windowsill ♪

♪ And eight is enough ♪

♪ To fill our lives with love ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Well, listen, Debbie, why don't

you come over to our house

and study?

It's really pretty quiet.

Oh, yes, I know. It used to be

like a zoo, but not anymore.

See, three of the animals

escaped.

I've even got my own cage now.

- 'Elizabeth!'

- Uh, alright, alright.

Hey, listen, I've got to go now

but I'll see you

in about an hour, okay?

Okay, bye-bye.

- What's up?

- KP.

I just did the dishes

last night.

Yes, you did, and you'll

probably do them tomorrow night

and the night after that.

You gotta keep in mind,

there are three less

dishwashers around here.

Ah, but look,

on the bright side

more telephone time,

more bathroom time.

- And more manual labor.

- More peace and quiet.

Yeah, more peace and quiet.

Where's the dish towel?

It's right here.

Boy, I sure envy

Joannie, Susan and Nancy.

Having their own place,

doing what they want

when they want.

Not being accountable to anyone.

- Namely Tom Bradford.

- How'd you guess?

You can't even make

a move in this house

without getting

the third degree.

Dad would've made a great cop.

Can you see him?

[imitating Tom]

"Alright, where were you

on the night of July th?

"What do you mean,

you had a date?

Just who was this guy?"

I mean, we don't even have

the right to remain silent.

Well, there are people

in the house.

It was so quiet,

I was beginning to wonder.

I mean, I never knew

that three less bodies

could make

such a big difference.

Uh, we could always adopt, dad.

Are you kidding?

And go back to that rocket?

'I never knew how nice

peace and quiet was.'

Oh, and guess what, there's

nobody in the living room

watching TV for

the first time in my life.

I will be able to see

what I wanna see.

Well, you won't get

any competition from me.

Me neither.

Oh, really, why?

What are you two up to?

Uh, friends comin' over

to study.

Uh, I'm going to the library

to meet someone.

Really? Who?

- Marty.

- Oh, Marty.

Who's Marty?

Dad, we just met in school.

What is he like?

Dad, we just share a cadaver.

(both)

Eww.

[indistinct chatter]

Maybe you should just go on

into the, uh, living room

and watch your TV show

otherwise you won't

have a chance to.

Eww.

Oh, how I envy

Joannie, Susan and Nancy.

Free from the grand inquisitor.

Independent.

Happy.

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

[indistinct chatter]

- Oh, hi, Joannie.

- Hi, Joannie.

Ah, maybe she didn't hear us.

(both)

Hi, Joannie.

Where have you guys been?

Oh, I was at the daycare center,

where else?

Yeah, and I was going

door-to-door

trying to get people to use

Madame Sang's

frozen Chinese dinners

for the marketing research

survey I'm taking.

As you can see,

she wasn't too successful.

No.

- Here, let me help.

- Thanks.

You guys know what time it is?

I mean, if you knew

you were going to be late

at least you could call.

I didn't hear that, did I?

She must be taking courses

at the Tom Bradford school

of keeping tabs.

No, I'm not keeping tabs.

It's just that

you're over an hour late.

You could've been lying

in the gutter somewhere.

I think she's gonna

graduate with honors.

Really, Joannie,

we appreciate your concern

but we are big girls now.

(Nancy)

'Yeah, if we wanted

to report in every minute'

'we could have

stayed at home.'

'It would've been

a lot cheaper.'

Remember, we took this apartment

as mature, responsible peers.

We agreed that no one

would be in charge.

[chuckles]

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes, you're right.

I'm kind of being

a mother hen, huh?

- I'm sorry.

- It's okay.

- Now go wash your hands.

- Hey.

I'm only kidding,

I'm only kidding.

[Mary laughing]

(Mary)

'Come in.'

Mary, why are you up so...late?

(Mary)

'Oh, we were just

studying, dad.'

Dad, this is my friend,

Marty Shore.

Marty, this is my father

Tom Bradford.

How do you do, sir?

Look, uh, Mary,

it's getting late.

I think I better leave.

Okay, uh, thanks for

coming over, Marty.

'I'll see you

in class tomorrow.'

Yeah.

- Um, nice meeting you, sir.

- Mm-hmm.

- Mary.

- 'Bye, Marty.'

You sure know

how to clear a room.

Mary, I shouldn't

have to be clearing a room

at : in the morning.

Particularly, when it's the

member of the opposite sex.

Dad, we were just studying.

With the door closed?

W-we didn't want

to disturb anyone.

Listen, dad, I think

it's time that you and I

had a little talk, okay?

- Hmm.

- About the facts of life.

- Now, wait a--

- Sit down please.

About the facts of my life.

Dad, I'm years old.

I'm not a child anymore.

I can take care of myself.

Yes, well, I mean, you're still

living under my roof.

I live under your roof because

I can't afford my own roof.

Look, uh, dad

you, of all people have

got to understand it.

That there comes a time

when children grow up

and, and they don't appreciate

that constant policing.

Look, three of your children

just moved out

and if you're not careful

you're gonna alienate

the rest of them.

Now, what are you saying,

that I'm driving my children

out of the house?

No, I'm trying to tell

you that that your children

aren't all children anymore.

We're growing up.

[instrumental music]

Dad, I'm trying to help you,

not hurt you.

I know.

I know, Mary.

[music continues]

Do you know it's an hour

and a half past

your curfew, young man?

- Uh, listen, dad, I--

- No, no, no.

We'll discuss it

in the morning.

[music continues]

Boy, I bet you never

thought I'd have my own room.

It's pretty neat, huh?

'You know, maybe tomorrow night,

I'll invite Erwin J. More over.'

He can sleep in

Tommy's old bed.

You know, I wonder if Tommy

likes havin' his own room.

Maybe I better check on him.

Just to see if he's lonely.

You know, he's not

used to sleepin' alone.

[instrumental music]

Oh, Nicholas, not again.

This has been going on

for over a week.

Well, I just wanted to

make sure you weren't lonely.

Yeah, I guess I am

a little bit lonely.

Maybe you better

hang around a while, huh?

Sure, anything to help you out.

Hey, okay, hey, just don't let

this get around, alright?

Gotcha.

[music continues]

[bang on door]

Nancy, could you

hurry it up in there?

(Nancy)

'Susan, I'll be right out.'

Oh, no.

Line forms right there.

Yeah, okay.

Boy, there must be some way

to get her to move faster.

We could yell. Fire!

Think you'd get better results

if you yelled men.

Men!

[chuckles]

See what I told you.

The bathroom is all yours.

Uh-huh. Thanks.

Except there's no

hot water left.

- Oh, what?

- Oh, Nancy.

Nancy, you know, if you wouldn't

hog the bathroom all the time--

Hog the bathroom?

I was hardly even in

there a minute before

Susan started pounding

on the door.

A person can't get

any privacy around here?

[indistinct chatter]

Hi, there!

I was just leaving,

the closet door is fixed

but obviously

you have some other problems

like organization?

Really?

You know, maybe David's right.

Organization might be

what we need.

Now, we can not only use

a schedule for this bathroom

we could use some for the phone,

for the kitchen.

The whole apartment for dates.

As I said, I was just leaving.

- Ah, David, um..

- There's no hot water left.

Call the landlady.

The only word she

understands is rent.

David, could you just

have a look at it, please?

Okay, okay.

Where's the hot water heater?

Could you give me a hint?

I told you what he said.

Quote, "We'll discuss it

in the morning." End quote.

I can't believe he came in

a whole hour and a half late.

I bet Tommy's gonna

really get it this time.

Nicholas, your father

is not to get anyone.

Did I miss him?

No, h-he's still upstairs.

Oh, well, little curfew breaker,

maybe if you eat real fast

'you can disappear

before the axe falls.'

Maybe, if you eat real fast,

you'll disappear all together.

Oh, and miss all the fun?

Will you two knock it off,

please?

Mary's right, you know

your father's very serious

about curfew.

Tell me about it.

I bet you're gonna get it.

Thanks, Nicholas, I needed that.

Dad, I'm really sorry

about what happened last night

and it'll never happen again.

Tommy, I've decided

not to punish you.

We're all entitled

to a mistake now and then.

Listen, I'm gonna have breakfast

at the office. I've gotta run.

Goodbye, little family.

How come Tommy didn't get it?

Trust me.

Just trust me.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Well, it's o'clock.

Yeah, all present

and accounted for, except dad.

Abby, do you know

what this is about?

I haven't got a clue.

Maybe he's changed

his mind about Tommy.

You mean, Tommy's gonna

get it after all?

Nicholas, come on, if dad

was gonna give it to Tommy

why would he ask all of us here?

Who knows? All I do know is that

he's definitely not a well man.

I mean, when Tom Bradford

says it's okay for us to make

a mistake now and then,

you know something's wrong.

Okay, shh!

- Hi, everybody.

- Hi.

[chuckles]

I suppose you wonder

why I've asked you all

here this evening.

Well, I-I've given it

some thought

about what happened last night

and I think I've come up with a

way to avoid that in the future.

Because of you, we're probably

all gonna find another house.

I have decided to

lift the curfew.

That is, everyone is on their

own discretion, except Abby.

She still has to

be in by midnight.

- Oh, great. Thanks, dad.

- Thanks, dad.

Well, well, glad to see

our little talk helped.

[chuckles]

Dad, can I have a curfew?

You, you've never

had a curfew to begin with.

I know. That's why I want one.

Oh, well, I don't see why not.

Alright, every night, you have

to be in by : and a half.

Wow!

Alright,

so what are you doin' now?

I know what you're thinking,

and I'm telling you right now

that just trust me.

Yes, but lifting the curfew

seems a little radical to me.

You're not trusting me.

That's it.

Your garbage disposal is fixed.

Thanks, David,

put it on our tab.

Sorry, there will be

no more tab.

As of this minute, your friendly

local repairman is quitting.

Oh, was it something we said?

No, it's the hours.

Oh, David, what if

something else breaks down?

- Yeah.

- Punt!

(Joannie)

'Thanks a lot.'

Really?

Bye, David. Bye, David.

What is with him?

Just throwing in his toolbox.

Yeah, from now on, if something

doesn't work around here

it probably never will.

Terrific.

Hey, uh,

did you work on a schedule

for using the apartment yet?

Mm. Mm.

It's right here.

Tell me what you think.

It's very fair, very fair.

- Hey.

- What?

I thought we were

equal partners in this place.

We are.

Well, why do you

have Friday nights

'and you have Saturday nights.'

Seniority, my dear, seniority.

No, no. Now, see this just

represents this weekend, Nance.

See now, I mean,

if you look further down

you see

it's on a rotating basis.

I mean, if you look down here

eventually you get the place

on a weekend night.

Until then, eat your heart out.

Oh, God,

look it's almost after :.

I gotta go, you guys.

Um, Susan, would you do the

dishes? I'll pay you back. Bye.

I better finish getting ready

before the rest

of the bathroom goes.

Do the dishes,

I'll pay you back.

[telephone ringing]

Hello.

Oh, hi, Scott. How are you?

Terrific.

Yeah, the offer's still open.

Sure.

I'd love to cook you dinner.

You're only free

on Friday night?

No, no.

There's no problem at all.

Okay. I'll see you then.

Bye.

Oh, Susan.

- Marvin.

- It's, uh, Marty, sir.

Oh, Marty, of course.

How could I forget?

Listen, you're not leaving,

are you?

- Well..

- Oh, why, it's early.

Please, why don't

you stay for dinner?

I wouldn't want

to put anyone out.

You're not putting anyone out.

There's always room

for one more.

Any friend of one of my kids

is always a friend of mine.

So, tell me something,

Morten, how do you know Mary?

Uh, human anatomy class.

That was a delicious meal.

My compliments to the chef.

Oh, Abby gets the

credit for this one.

Your compliments accepted.

You know, um, I've heard so much

about your large family.

Well...where is everybody?

I've been asking myself

the same question all evening.

Well, I, um, I know that, that

Nicholas is over at J. More

for dinner, but I don't know

where Tommy and Elizabeth are.

Oh, please, I'm sure they're

all out, having a good time.

Don't you think

we should know where they are

having a good time?

You'll have to excuse Abby.

She hasn't had the experience

that I've had as a parent.

And if there's one thing

I've learnt in rising eight kids

is that you cannot

keep constant tabs on them.

You got to trust them, and

believe me, I trust my children.

I'm learning all the time

that you've, you've got

to let them have freedom.

Freedom is very important

to young people.

You've got to let them

fend for themselves.

Make their own decisions.

Be independent.

I've always said that freedom

is the road to responsibility.

How come I always

run into the roadblocks?

Would like

some more pie, uh, uh, Marty?

- You-you remembered, sir.

- Of course.

[instrumental music]

[alarm ringing]

Nicholas?

Nicholas,

what are you doin' in here?

- Where am I?

- You are in my room.

How did I get in here?

I must have walked in my sleep.

Well, now that you're awake, why

don't you walk right out, okay?

[sighs]

[dish clanging]

[dishes clattering]

Joannie!

Joannie.

How can I sleep

with all your noise?

I'm sorry,

I'm trying to be quiet.

Well, you're not doing

a very good job of it.

Oh, you woke up in the wrong

side of the bed, didn't you?

Couch. Living room couch.

You know, I don't think

it's fair that you and Susan

each get your own room,

and I have to sleep out there.

Well, Nancy, you know why?

Yeah, I know. I know.

Seniority.

Do you realize that I'm making

more money than any of you?

Yeah, well you may

be the richest

but you're also the youngest.

And as in the Bradford

household, seniority rules.

Thank you, Tom Bradford.

Hey, hey, uh, if you're thinkin'

of, uh, using the bathroom

you're too late.

You'll just have to wait,

Susan's in there.

'You missed your turn.'

What? I can't even use

the bathroom when I have to?

We must be the only

people in the world

who have put nature

on a schedule.

Okay, starting with..

Hi, Abby.

Oh, Elizabeth.

Boy, am I glad to see you.

I could sure use a hand with

dinner, could you please--

Oh, I'd love to, Abby,

but see I've got to shower

change clothes, and be

downtown in an hour, you know.

Oh, but if it'll help you any,

you don't have to bother

with dinner for me, bye.

Oh, hi, guys. Hey, I could sure

use a hand with dinner.

Sorry, Abby, but I've got

a basketball game tonight.

(Abby)

'Nicholas?'

Oh, I'm eating dinner

at Erwin J. More again.

Why doesn't Erwin J. More

ever come here for dinner?

He doesn't like the food here.

Hi, everybody. I'm home.

Oh, that's just great.

Well, hello, how are you

would be nice.

I don't have time.

I have to get dinner ready.

Oh, why isn't one of

the kids helping you?

Because they have better

things to do with their time.

Because kitchen duty and

cleaning detail are no longer

a part of their busy schedules,

remember the new deal?

So, we'll eat out.

I don't have time,

I have a class in minutes.

Why do you think I am running

around so frantically?

It's alright. Don't worry.

You go to your class.

I'll fend for myself.

I'll call Max, and we'll do

something together tonight.

Tom..

I love you so much.

Thank you. You're such

a good husband. I love you.

Oh, hi, Max, it's me, Tom.

Listen, uh, how would you like

to have dinner tonight?

You know, little chilli,

a couple of beers

over the Holosko, uh,

hot dog pit?

Boys night out?

Oh, yeah. Oh, no, no.

That's alright. Don't worry.

I mean, I didn't

give you much notice.

No, it's okay.

We'll do it some other time.

Yeah, I might just

stay home here alone.

I'll have

the whole house to myself.

It might be nice.

In fact, it sounds

like a great idea.

Just great.

Uh, bye-bye.

[instrument music on TV]

Anybody home?

Well..

This is an unexpected pleasure.

Well, I just dropped by

to return your drill.

Hmm. Thanks.

It's so quiet.

Where is everybody?

Yeah, well, everybody

is out doing their own thing.

Hey, lucky you.

Yeah, it's great.

Just, just great.

Do you wanna go to the movies

tonight? Just you and me?

The two of us?

Oh, no, and ruin your chances

for a night of solitude.

I wouldn't do that to you, dad.

Besides, Janet's waiting for me.

Here. I'll see you later.

Oh, alright, thanks.

[sighs]

Oh, boy, if I never see

another plate of chow mein

it won't be too soon.

Hey, don't knock it.

That's free food.

She's got a point there, kid.

[yawning]

You know, you guys..

...I think

I'm just gonna stretch out

in front of the TV tonight.

I'm exhausted. What's on here?

[clears throat]

Since the TV is in my room,

don't you think

you should get my permission

to use it?

Hey, cute,

but, uh, give her a break.

[knock on door]

Tell whoever it is,

I'm not home.

[laughter]

Sec.

- Surprise!

- Dad.

Hey, this really is a surprise.

I was in the neighborhood,

I thought I'd drop by.

I brought you

your favorite food, Chinese!

You know, I bet you

don't remember that

you used to wear

braces on your feet.

That's right,

that you had this metal bar

and it was attached

to both of your shoes

and every night, your mother

and I would try to put

the bar on you, and every night

you would cry and cry

ha ha ha.

Well, uh, I hate to

break up the party down

but it's really getting late.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, it is just only :.

I don't know about Joannie

or Susan, but I'm bushed.

Well, I won't be insulted

if you go to sleep.

You're in my bedroom.

Dad, I've got a lot

of studying to do.

Besides, um,

aren't they gonna be missing you

back at the house?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Gee, they'll have

the police out

looking for me any second now.

Well, you know,

we ought to do this more often.

Oh, dad, any time

you want, dad, really.

Good. Well, sleep tight

and don't let the bed bugs bite.

- Okay, yeah.

- You too, dad.

- We'll see ya.

- Goodnight.

[yawning]

Anybody home?

well, I'll see

what I can do, Eric.

Hold on.

Joannie, you're just the person

that I'm looking for.

Look, Susan, I'm looking

for my term paper notes

on Sarah Bernhardt.

Have you seen them?

Joannie, I need the apartment

Saturday night.

Look, Nancy's traded me

her Sunday for my Friday.

Now, I need your Saturday

for her old Sunday, okay?

No, it is not okay.

My entire grade

depends on this paper.

Susan, will you help me find it?

- Sure, Joannie, I'll help you.

- Oh, thank you, Susan.

If you'll help me.

Oh, I really appreciate it.

Okay, my pleasure.

A deal is a deal.

Have, uh, look over there.

It could be--

Could you have left

it at the library?

- What?

- Joannie, could you have..

The library, could you have left

your term paper at the library?

The library.

Yeah, maybe it, it is.

I remember when I took

the books and I put the..

Oh, right, of course, Susan.

You're a genius.

Oh, how can I ever thank you?

- You already have.

- Okay, see ya.

- Yeah, I'll see ya.

- Okay.

- Oh. Oh, my purse?

- Here's your purse.

- Here.

- Oh, thank you.

- Alright, I'll see you later.

- See you later.

Eric, I did it.

Saturday night, my place.

Bye.

Oh, so, you got any big plans

for Saturday night?

No, not yet

but I think I can

think of something

to keep me out until : a.m.

- 'How about you?'

- Oh, it's ridiculous.

Now that I can stay out

till noon Sunday

I don't even have a date.

No date?

Elizabeth Bradford?

Oh, great, now you'll go

blab it all over Sacramento.

Hey, why not, maybe

some guy will hear about it

and ask you out on a date.

Over your dead body.

This is our secret, okay, Tommy?

A girl has pride.

Hey, what do you want?

Pride or a date?

Now, look, if a guy

doesn't call you

just discreetly call a guy.

I tried discreetly

calling a guy or two.

'And?'

Would you believe

they all have curfews?

[chuckles]

[intense music]

[Abby sighs]

[both chuckling]

Uh, did we have a hurricane

while I wasn't looking?

No, I-I trusted you.

Do you remember

when you didn't punish Tommy

and you told me to trust you?

'And do you remember

when you dropped curfew'

and you told me to trust you?

Well, I trusted you,

and trust equals dust.

Well, I-I don't see

what lifting a curfew

has to do with bad housekeeping.

Because ever since you

dropped curfew, every other rule

and regulation in this house

has just fallen by the wayside.

Nobody knows

where anybody else is.

None of the chores

ever get done.

In short,

Tom Bradford, the inmates

have taken over the asylum

and the warden

doesn't even care.

Well, now I've been

accused of a lot of things

in my life, but I've never

been accused of not caring.

Then, how else would you explain

what's going on around here?

It's two simple words.

Mother's rule.

Mother's rule?

Yes, that was the philosophy

that my mother taught me

when I was a little boy.

It's a very simple

and quite effective.

'Want me to explain it to you?'

L-let's say there's a book

that you do not want

your children to read.

Here's what you do.

You take that book

and you place it

in the center of the bookcase

within easy reach

of the little children.

They will ignore it completely.

Now, let's say there's

a book that you do want

them to read,

aha, you take that book

and you place it

way up on the top

'of the bookshelf,

way over the end, out of reach.'

'They'll get to it,

and they'll read it.'

It's reverse psychology.

Anything that is easily

accessible is less desirable.

- And that's mother's rule?

- Oh, yes.

O-okay then, now let me see

if I, if I have this straight.

You drop the curfew,

you give the kids their freedom

and they won't want it?

Gee, you're a very quick study.

I'm also a skeptic.

Tom, the kids

are using their freedom

like it's going out of style.

That's because

it's new to them.

Don't worry, things will go back

to normal as soon

as the newness wears off.

Or we wear out.

I am not sure that mother's rule

is applicable in situations

of real importance.

We are not dealing

with books here.

We're talking

about how a family survives.

Boy, you know, you act

like I'm a newcomer

in the child-rearing business.

Children do need discipline.

Really? Did discipline

keep Joannie and Nancy

and Susan from moving out?

Please, give mother's rule

a chance before I lose

the rest of my children.

I've never seen that.

I bet if we..

Oh, h-hi, Nicholas.

Um, what are you doing up?

A-are you sleepwalking again?

I must be.

Oh, um, Nicholas, this is Marty.

Marty, this is Nicholas,

our resident sleepwalker.

- Hi, Nicholas.

- Hi.

If I knew you had company,

I would have sleepwalked

someplace else.

Well, that's alright.

Um, do you want me

to walk you back to room?

Can I stay?

Sorry, champ, we gotta study.

I guess so.

Okay, I'll be right back, Marty.

Bye, Nicholas.

Bye. I'd like to meet you

sometime when I'm awake.

- Joannie, do you have a minute?

- No.

Well, how about seconds?

No, uh, look,

would you please go away, Nancy?

I have to retype

my entire term paper.

I can't even read the notes.

But, Joannie, I need

the apartment Saturday night.

Look, I traded Susan

my Sunday for her Friday

but Scott has to work on Friday,

and I need your Saturday.

Oh, look, Nancy,

um, I'm not sure

but I vaguely remember

there's some reason

that I can't give

you Saturday night.

Well, why not?

'I don't know.

I don't remember.'

Well, if you can't remember,

then it can't be that important

and to me, believe me,

Saturday is life or death.

Well, okay, whatever, look,

I'll be too exhausted anyway.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, Nancy, look, you made me

erase the only word I typed.

I'm sorry.

Scott?

Nancy.

Yeah, we're all set.

Saturday.

My place.

Oh! Tommy?

Who's the lucky girl?

Well, I haven't decided yet.

[chuckles]

In other words

you don't have a date either.

No, let me put it this way.

It's, uh, Saturday night

and there are hundreds

of lonely foxes out there

and I figured,

"Hey, now, why should I ignore

my freedom and hoard

my availability?"

'Would you like to come along?'

Are you crazy?

Be seen on Saturday night

with my little brother?

I'd rather get zits.

Hey, well, don't say

I wasn't a gentleman.

Well, it's a historical

Saturday night.

Elizabeth is home.

See, mother's rule is working.

Oh, I don't think

Elizabeth is home

just to please her

poor and lonely father.

Hmm, you think

she's changing her lifestyle?

Hardly.

Well, then what is it?

I just don't think

she has a date.

- Oh.

- Oh.

[doorbell rings]

I got it.

- Hi.

- May I speak to Elizabeth?

What about?

(Brandon)

'Would you tell her

that Brandon Symington'

'is here to see her.'

(Nicholas)

'Who?'

- Brandon Symington?

- That creep.

Come on in.

She'll be glad to see someone.

She doesn't even have a date.

(Brandon)

'So I heard.'

Oh, oh.

There she is.

Elizabeth, you got rescued.

[whispers]

Would you give me the towel?

Hello, Elizabeth.

Remember me?

Hello, Brandon.

How could I forget?

Tommy, he's at least five years

older than Elizabeth.

No, no, no,

he looks harmless to me.

No college man is ever

harmless to a high school girl.

And as long as you are not busy

I thought we could

take in a second show

at the art theatre

and then, there's

a fantastic new poet

giving all night readings

at the Lonely Unicorn.

He's a harmless intellectual.

I hate to tell you this

but some of the most

aggressive dates

I ever fought off

were harmless intellectuals.

Brandon, I'd love to see

the film and hear the poet

and everything,

but, uh, I can't.

I know you don't have

another date, Elizabeth.

Oh, I know.

Uh, but I have a curfew.

No, she hasn't.

Hi, we're a modern family.

No curfews, no restrictions.

No third degree.

I'm Elizabeth's father

and I've written

a few poems myself.

How do you do, sir?

Then, it's alright with you

if Elizabeth comes with me?

(Tom)

'Oh, yes, of course.'

I mean, it's Elizabeth's life.

- She can do what she wants.

- Thanks, dad.

That's a very refreshing

viewpoint, Mr. Bradford.

Well, I like to try

to keep up with the times.

My children are mature,

responsible individuals.

Mr. Bradford,

you're an enlightened father.

Oh, Mr. Bradford,

you're a disaster.

(Tom)

'Hi, how about a little TV?'

There's a great fight

on channel nine.

Oh, there's gonna

be a much better fight

right here

in this living room.

Tom, Elizabeth,

didn't you see

did not want to go out

with that pompous bore.

Far be it for me to interfere

in Elizabeth's social life.

But you are interfering.

What? How can you say that?

Did I ask him

any embarrassing questions?

Did I say,

"How old are you, young man?"

Did I say, uh,

"What does your father do?"

"Were you ever a boy scout?"

"May I see

your bank references?"

Maybe you should have.

Oh, real..

Oh, no, no.

I have already had three

daughters move out of my house

because I was too nosy

and overprotective.

Believe me, it's not

going to happen again.

You're gonna regret this.

Abby, let me

tell you something.

The only way to survive

in the parent business

is not to worry.

If you say so.

[sighs]

Fabulous flick.

I probably would have

gotten more out of it

if I understood Japanese.

Couldn't you read

the French subtitles?

Huh, only when

the geisha girls said oui.

Oh, I should

have interpreted for you.

Would you like to go back

and see it again?

No, thanks,

this is one of those movies

you prefer to see only once

or even less, you know?

Besides, I have a headache

'and you should

probably take me home.'

Oh, a headache's no problem.

Arnold Ashworth

is in to holistic healing.

Arnold who?

The all night poet.

Come on, if we hurry,

we can still catch

his opening stanza.

Oh.

[engine revving]

Aah.

Dinner was terrific, Nancy.

Thanks, Scott.

Would you like some dessert?

- I'd love some.

- Okay.

Uh, that's not what I meant.

I thought you said we'd have

this place to ourselves?

That's what I thought.

Let me straighten this out.

Susan.

Scott Crandle.

Eric Richards.

Hmm.

Susan, what are you doing here?

This isn't your night.

What am I doing here?

What are you doing here?

You had the place last night.

I know. I traded with you.

Yeah, and I traded

with Joannie for tonight.

(Susan)

'I traded with Joannie

for tonight.'

- Who's Joannie?

- Beats me, who's Susan?

This is her apartment.

Oh, no, no.

This is Nancy's apartment.

(Susan)

'Wait till I get ahold of her.'

Yeah, until we get ahold of her

what are we gonna do

in the meantime?

Well, I say we go with

the old Bradford tradition.

Seniority rules.

Bye, Nancy.

And I say we go with the new

Bradford tradition. m*rder.

[instrumental music]

Purple scarlet fears

cantalouped in

the plastic plexi.

'Street urchins, grapefruit

in the screaming night'

'hobos squashed in the jungle.'

"Where are you..

"...Nathaniel Hawthorne?

Speak up.

Joan of Arc..

How's your headache?

It's moved to my stomach.

[door opens]

[door shuts]

Hey-hey, what's going on here?

A convention?

Is somethin' wrong?

Think that's Joannie?

Must be.

Two spades.

Looks the type.

Two no Tr*mp.

[laughing]

Yes, something's

definitely wrong, huh?

Oh, maybe I better go

outside and come in again.

Uh, maybe I better

go out and stay out.

[clock chimes]

[whistles]

- Hi, dad.

- Hi, Tommy.

I, uh, I didn't

think you'd be up.

Oh, really? Why not?

The evening's just begun.

Yeah, don't rub it in, dad.

I just thought

I'd come home early

and get some rest

and I could be out

later tomorrow night.

I don't wanna hear

about it, Tommy.

That's your business.

[whistles]

(Nicholas)

'Hi, Tommy.'

Nicholas,

what are you doing here?

I didn't want you

to get lonely.

Hey, squirt,

I think it's about time

that you and I spend one night

in separate rooms, okay?

I can handle it alone.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

If you say so.

Okay.

- And hey, bud.

- Yeah?

Uh, thanks for worrying

about me, okay?

Things are really bananas

around here and it helps a lot.

Oh, don't mention it.

[instrumental music]

Well, it looks like

Tommy is grown up

and I finally get to sleep

at my own room by myself.

You know, maybe I better

just leave the light on.

In case, Tommy wants to come in

in the middle of the night.

But Sarc denied

the existence of God.

He also denied the existence

of any set pattern

of human behavior.

Exactly.

See, man becomes

what he wills himself to be.

But as he perceives

the futility of his efforts

to perceive the paradoxes

of the universe,

he sees himself alone

and the world as absurd.

And only in this absurdity..

...is that beauty.

How profound!

Yeah.

I've got a great sermon on

that in my : a.m. reading.

Oh.

Susan, I am telling you,

I don't remember

trading nights with you.

Joannie, how can you

not remember?

It was the day

you were running around here

looking for your term paper

on Elmer Bernstein.

It was Sarah Bernhardt.

See, see, you could've

a lapse of memory too.

Now, don't you go trying

to get out of this.

You're guilty.

Alright, I'm guilty.

I'm guilty,

I'm guilty.

'I'm sorry.'

It was my mistake.

Yeah, it was our mistake

for letting you

put us on a schedule

in the first place.

Nancy, you're the one that asked

for a dating schedule.

It's definitely one of

the weirder dates I've been on.

Really?

Mayonnaise?

Hmm, thanks.

[clock chimes]

Tom, it's o'clock

in the morning.

I just checked

Elizabeth's room

and she's not home yet.

- I know.

- You know?

Oh! Oh, yes.

You don't wanna meddle

in your kids' lives.

I-I, I know that, but,

but o'clock in the morning

is a safe time to start being

concerned, don't you think?

Abby, you don't have to worry.

Look at me, I'm not worried.

I'm calm and cool,

not a sign of anxiety.

Just because it's o'clock

in the morning

there's no reason

to cause alarm.

But he's a college senior.

A testimony to his diligence

and maturity.

Maybe he didn't even take

Elizabeth to the poetry reading.

Maybe he has his own apartment.

[chuckles]

Why do you say that?

Because he leered at Elizabeth.

Come on, he didn't leer.

- He leered.

- He leered?

- Oh, then, I am worried.

- Where are you going?

I'm going back to father's rule.

You stay by the phone.

[whispers]

Okay, stay by the phone.

Mother's rule, mother's rule.

And one day, I'm gonna

find an image to carry

that th century

beyond futility

to the rebirth of despair.

Okay, where is she?

Hmm? I-I beg your pardon.

Elizabeth Bradford,

where is she?

She's, she's gone.

- What do you mean she's gone?

- I don't know.

You don't know?

H-how could you not know?

Well, Arnold and I were having

a discussion on the parameters

of existential verse

and I sort of remember seeing

her sitting in that chair.

Listen, if anything happened

to her, I, I, uh..

Hey, man, let's see,

where was I?

Oh, yeah..

Operator, get me

the police please.

Tom, did you say the police?

Abby, that college man

has lost Elizabeth.

No, Tom, wait--

After I call the police

we'll drive over

to the girls' apartment

and then we'll drive over

to David's apartment.

Then all the whole family

will call in the streets

and we've gotta find him.

I always told you, you cannot

trust those college types.

- Would you just listen?

- The line is disconnected.

What, oh, it's you,

why did you do that?

Because look..

What's going on?

Elizabeth, thank God, it's you.

Are you alright?

Well, yeah, dad, considering

I had to walk all the way

from that dumb coffee house.

She arrived just about

two minutes after you left.

Why didn't you call me

to come and pick you up?

I didn't think

you wanted to be bothered.

Bothered?

I went way past bothered.

I, I was getting up to frantic.

Well, then, why didn't

you say something?

Why did you let me go

with that creep Brandon

without even

a curfew to help me?

Mother's rule.

What was it, dad?

Mother's rule.

What's mother's rule?

It's the worst natural

disaster since termites.

Oh, never mind.

It only works with things

that you don't care about.

And you, Elizabeth,

I care about very much.

- Are you sure, daddy?

- Yeah.

I've never been more sure

of anything in my whole life.

Oh, that's good to know, dad.

That's so good to know.

Hey, Tom Bradford, welcome home.

[chuckles]

- I'll, uh, see you guys later.

- Oh, hey, Tommy--

I know, be in by midnight.

I wouldn't wanna turn

into a pumpkin now, would I?

- Bye.

- Bye.

Uh, we're gonna be taking

the station wagon, okay?

- Yeah.

- Sure.

Leave me some gas.

Oh, and girls..

Dad, we're only going

to the movies.

Just a reminder.

- Bye.

- Bye.

Well, so much

for mother's rule.

I don't know.

It worked for my mother.

Yes, but things

were much simpler back then.

Dad, can I ask you a favor?

Why, sure. Certainly, Nicholas.

Well, it's about

my curfew, you see.

Do you wanna stay out

all night?

'Unh-unh.'

Well, then, what do you want?

Well, dad, I'm kind of

tired tonight, you see

and I wanted to ask you,

do I have to stay up

all the way till

: and half?

[both laughing]

[theme music]

[music continues]