[instrumental music]
Yeah, I know
what you mean, Peggy.
It's like she couldn't
care less about him.
Oh, I don't know, I think
she really likes him though.
I mean, he is kind of cute
in a little boyish manner.
You'd just wanna
mother him to death.
You know what I mean?
Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Dave's at a real fox.
Yeah? How did you know?
'Is it really that obvious?'
'Well, do you think
he knows who I am?'
I smiled at him
Thursday at study hall.
I think he smiled back too.
Of course, I can't be sure
but, oh gosh,
those big baby blue eyes.
'Have you ever seen eyes
like those before?'
Oh, don't they just destroy you?
Oh. Oh sure.
Okay, I'll let you know.
Bye-bye.
[sighs]
Big baby blue eyes.
[instrumental music]
Big baby blue eyes.
Nicholas, you weren't.
I sure was.
- 'Nicholas?'
- And boy, was it boring!
Nicholas!
["Eight Is Enough"]
♪ There's a magic in the
early morning we've found ♪
♪ When the sunrise smiles
on everything around ♪
♪ It's a portrait
of the happiness ♪
♪ That we feel and always will ♪
♪ For eight is enough ♪
♪ To fill our lives with love ♪
♪ Oh we spend our days ♪
♪ Like bright
and shiny new dimes ♪
♪ If we're ever puzzled ♪
♪ By the changing times ♪
♪ There's a plate
of homemade wishes ♪
♪ On the kitchen windowsill ♪
♪ And eight is enough ♪
♪ To fill our lives with love ♪♪
[instrumental music]
(Abby)
'Anne Cavalluzzi called
and she wants me to take'
'American literature class
for three weeks.'
(Tom)
I didn't think that you'd be
interested in a classroom situ--
Oh, I-I think it'd be fun for
a change of pace, you know.
And besides my license
is current
and well, Anne wants someone
who-who will do something more
than just take attendance
and keep them quiet.
You know, someone
who'll teach them something.
Oh, high school
American literature.
Yes, "Moby d*ck",
to be specific.
- Isn't that neat?
- Well, you're very excited.
- Yes, I am. I'm very excited.
- That's wonderful!
I'm happy for you.
Well, we'll celebrate tonight.
But first I wanna go
over to David's.
I'm going to offer
him that dresser
that we don't use anymore.
- You wanna come with me?
- Oh, no.
I-I have to re-read "Moby d*ck."
- Oh, Abby.
- 'What?'
The whale did it.
Cute.
Oh! Uh..
- Hi!
- Oh, hi!
- I guess nobody's home.
- Oh, well, gee, maybe not.
Uh, uh, c-can I help you or..
- Oh, are you the landlord?
- No, no, no.
T-t-the young man
who lives here is-is my son.
Hey! Tom Bradford. Well, I've
certainly wanted to meet you.
Oh, well.
Gee, thank you.
- Well, you work with David?
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
Actually, the, the young woman
that lives with
your son is-is my daughter.
I'm George McArthur.
Oh, well, yeah, how do you do?
Boy, isn't this
some coincidence?
I was just saying to Sylvia
the other day.
"We've got to get together
with the Bradfords."
Right, yes, I was just saying
to Abby t-the same thing.
Oh, sure, you know,
it's only natural.
It's not as though we don't
have anything in common, huh?
Oh, yes. Ab-absolutely.
Oh-oh my gosh, look at the..
Did you know what time it is?
You'll-you'll have to excuse me.
'I-I was just on my way.'
I think I'll hang around, see
if my little girl comes home.
I don't get much of a chance
to see her these days.
Yes, yes,
I know how that can be.
Oh, and remember now, you know.
I meant what I said, right?
Let's get together.
Just the four of us, alright?
- You bet.
- Yeah.
Pleasure to meet you.
No kidding.
Mrs. Cavalluzzi's class?
American lit.
Yeah, what do you think?
I think I'll switch
English classes.
It wouldn't do you any good.
Why not? You've already
infiltrated the enemy.
Now you've got access
to vital information
that could be passed on
to us younger Bradfords.
Yeah, and you could
sneak out tests.
Why bother,
just grab the grade book.
Yeah, an arrangement like that
could get me back in school.
Character begins at home.
Tommy, Elizabeth,
we could carpool to school.
- In the van?
- 'Mmm. I'll pay half the gas.'
You mean, you'd show up
for your first day at school
in Tommy's van?
- Why not?
- 'Yeah.'
Abby, I mean, uh..
don't you think, you know,
being a teacher in a high school
you ought to have
a little dignity, I mean?
Joannie, you've seen
your last ride in my van.
[instrumental music]
Okay, we're gonna park it.
We'll see you later, huh?
Okay. See you guys.
Wish me luck.
[instrumental music]
[indistinct chattering]
Shh. Shh. Shh.
Um, hello, uh,
my name is Abby Bradford
and as you know, Anne Cavalluzzi
will be out for three weeks.
So I'm filling in for her.
Um, yeah, well,
now for the good news.
Anne tells me that you're
expecting this little test.
[groaning]
Oh, see, I knew we'd hit it off.
Here you go.
Just do the best you can.
Take your books off
the desk please.
This is a test.
Excuse me,
are-are you in this class?
You're almost ten minutes late.
I got hung up, sorry. Shh.
This is a test.
That's right, and
I suggest you get right to it.
Yeah, sure, ma'am.
She's gotta be kidding.
Okay, name the four basic types
of tissue in the human body.
[exhales]
Alright.
Uh, number one,
epithelial tissue.
Good, you're here.
Two, connective tissue.
Where's my pink
cashmere sweater?
Three, nervous tissue.
The one you borrowed
from me ages ago.
- Four, muscular tissue.
- Mary!
Frequently used
when striking another person.
Look, you have no right
to be angry at me.
You stole my sweater.
Nancy, I didn't..
I didn't steal anything, okay?
I just borrowed it.
Yeah and you never gave it back.
Look, I-I had to have
it cleaned, didn't I?
I-I took it to the cleaners.
Oh, I'm sorry, Mary.
- Thanks.
- Bye, next question.
Where's the ticket?
I meant, her next question.
Okay, Nancy, look, I-I lost the
little ticket, I don't have it.
You lost the ticket?
Better the ticket
than the sweater.
Just go down
to Lawson's Cleaners
and pick it up, see and explain,
everything will be fine.
She's off.
Jeez, some people have
no sense of humor.
- Real soon?
- Real soon.
Those where his exact words.
- And what did you say?
- I mumbled.
I stood there and I mumbled.
I mean, what do you say
to the man who's little girl
is living with your son?
- Little girl?
- 'That's what he said.'
He said, "I never get a chance
to see my little girl anymore."
Why don't we just invite them
over to dinner?
Oh, no, please.
What would we talk about?
I mean, I-I find this whole
situation extremely awkward.
The only thing we have
in common is the subject
that I'd like to avoid.
Oh, well, apparently
he doesn't feel the same way.
I don't know about that.
He's very friendly.
Almost too friendly.
Do you know the way people are
when they overcompensate
because they're embarrassed
about something.
Hmm. Tom, I think
you're just projecting.
He probably was just looking
for some conversation,
Gome Mr. McArthur.
- Hmm. No, George.
- George.
- His name is George.
- George.
George and...Shirley
or something.
Oh, gosh.
Why couldn't David have just
eloped like a normal child?
So you see, our friend Melville
really did have
something deeper in mind
than simply depicting life
on a th century whaling boat.
[school bell rings]
Okay, now be sure to read up
till chapter four by tomorrow
and read the digressions.
They're really fun.
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, is really not a very
gratifying grade, is it?
- Didn't anybody tell you?
- Tell me what?
Who I am.
I know your name
is Henry Dixson
and I think you have a lot
of work to do in this class.
You really don't know, do you?
Miss Bradford,
I'm the leading scorer
on this school's
basketball team.
Well, points on a basketball
court is outstanding.
But points
in my class is a fail.
Exactly.
And as long as I'm failing
this course
I'm on academic restriction
which means
I can't play basketball.
'And at the moment,
we're two games away'
'from the city finals.'
Well, Henry, if-if you'd
like some extra help, I'll--
Look, you're new here.
Talk to the other teachers here
about me, they'll explain.
Are you implying
what I think you're implying?
You got it.
[sighs]
I don't believe this.
This is high school.
Yeah, well, truth is stranger
than fiction, ain't it?
I don't like
your attitude, Mr. Dixon
so you better get this straight.
You don't get a free ride in my
class, do you understand that?
[dramatic music]
Hi, Dix!
- What's wrong with him?
- A difference of opinion.
He thought points was
a passing grade and I didn't.
- You mean, you flunked Dix?
- I certainly did.
Well, that means
he's not gonna be able
to play in the city finals.
So I've been told.
Don't look so shocked, Tommy,
there are things more important
in life than basketball.
[music continues]
(Tommy)
'Of all the guys
she has to pick to flunk'
she's gotta flunk Dixon.
Did she know who he was?
Oh, come on, you just
take one look at the guy
and you know he's a jock.
Oh, well, maybe Abby doesn't
understand these things.
Yeah, well, you know who's gonna
catch all the guff about this.
- You and me.
- I don't know.
My friends really aren't
into basketball that much.
It's more of a
social thing with us.
Yeah, well my friends
take it a lot more seriously.
I just hope they realize
she's only my stepmother.
Well, Tommy, you didn't
really mean that, did you?
What's the matter? You're really
letting this thing get to you.
Yeah, you're right.
It's not my problem.
Right?
Yeah, that's right.
It's the pink cashmere
cardigan sweater.
And it cost an arm and a leg
and maybe even a head.
Mary's.. Oh, never mind.
So you'll look for it?
Oh, terrific.
I'll pick it up
this afternoon.
'Thanks a lot. Bye-bye.'
Nicholas, what are you doing?
Why can't you walk down
the stairs, one at a time
like a normal human being?
Well, I could, see,
but if I did that
I wouldn't be a paratrooper
jumping out of an aeroplane.
Bradford.
- What do you say, Dix?
- I don't know.
- You got any ideas?
- What?
You're related to that
substitute teacher, right?
Yeah.
Tell me something.
Why is she on my case?
Hey, look, Dix,
you got a on that test.
I know what I got on that test.
Problem is, what are
we gonna do about it?
"We?"
Hey, I don't think
this is any of my business.
I think you can make it
your business, if you wanted to.
Look, Dix, I really don't think
there's anything I can do.
Hey, Bradford,
do want me to play basketball
for this school?
Yeah, sure, Dix.
Then think of somethin'.
[dramatic music]
Hi.
H-hello!
I see they're keepin' you busy.
Yeah, p-paper work.
Mountains of it.
I'm Burt Pollard.
Oh, Abby Bradford.
Coach Pollard actually.
Oh, don't tell me,
you coach basketball.
[chuckles]
So, uh, you're replacing
Anne Cavalluzzi.
Hm. Mm-hmm.
Yeah, Anne's a,
Anne's quiet a basketball fan.
'She used to come down
and root for the kids.'
As opposed to other
hard-nosed types
who fail your star players?
That's one way of lookin' at it.
Another way of lookin' at it,
is that someday Henry Dixon
has to learn that, there's
more to life than basketball.
For you and me maybe.
Look, ten months out of the year
I try to do something
with these kids.
And basketball is
my way of doing something.
Gives them a sense
of achievement.
A sense of being able
to something well.
Yes, but um..
What does it do for them
when they're trying
to support a large family,
but they don't have a good job
because they don't have
a decent education.
Education?
Listen, Mrs. Bradford..
Yale, isn't exactly banging
down Hank Dixon's door.
'The only sh*t he has at college
is the basketball scholarship.'
Then what?
Then...maybe the pros.
What happens
if he doesn't make the pros?
What happens
when he's an illiterate?
Wait, hold it,
he's not illiterate.
Okay, then,
what happens when he's, um..
a pampered, catered to,
unmotivated -year-old
who can't do anything in life,
but sink a ball in a basket?
- At least he has a sh*t.
- 'Oh, to one sh*t.'
Look, Mister..
Coach Pollard.
Y-you better hope
for this boy's sake
that if you fail, I don't.
[dramatic music]
Hi, Julie.
Oh, hi!
- How you doin'?
- Okay.
Hey, uh, listen, are we
still going to the pep rally
tomorrow afternoon?
You and me?
[sighs]
I don't think so, Tommy.
Listen, I gotta go.
I'm-I'm late for my ride.
Sure thing, Julie.
Oh, I don't remember
this being so heavy.
Must have gained weight
sitting around here
for years.
How is your back, dad?
You'll know in a moment
when you hear it snap.
Hope we don't have
any trouble with the stairs
leading to my apartment.
- You got it?
- Yeah.
Nicholas, would you get
the keys out of my right pocket?
There's nothin' here
but a pack of gum.
The other pocket
Nicholas, quick.
Hurry up, get up here
and give a hand.
[grunting]
Well, hello, Mr. Bradford.
Hi, Nicholas.
What are you doing here?
I live here, remember?
And I got out of
my seminar class early.
Hey, that looks
like a terrific dresser.
It would look a little
more terrific inside.
Right, oh, by the way,
guess what?
My parents are here.
So, I think the least we can do
is to keep
our thermostats down to .
Oh, yeah,
that's a very good point.
[laughing]
(Tom)
Oh, my gosh,
look at the time.
David, do you mind
running us back?
Nicholas and I
have to get home.
How come?
It's dinner time,
they're all waiting for us.
Nice seeing you again, George.
'Nice meeting you, Sylvia.'
[laughing]
Oh, now we're
looking forward
to getting together
with you and, uh, Abby.
Oh, yes, yes.
We are too.
Real soon. Real soon.
When?
When?
Well, how about tomorrow night?
- Tomorrow night? Uh..
- That'd be great.
"Wonder Frog" is
not on Wednesdays.
(George)
'Tomorrow night? Uh..'
Do we have anything on
tomorrow night, Sylvia?
Tomorrow night, I just can't
think of anything offhand.
Well, then I guess tomorrow
night's fine with us then.
Us too.
- o'clock, okay?
- o'clock is fine.
Come on, Nicholas.
- I'll be right back.
- I'll walk you guys to the car.
How was I supposed to know,
the kid was gonna say, "When?"
Oh, who knew Nicholas
was going to say "When?"
- Out of the mouths of babes.
- I'm afraid so.
Anyway, they're coming
here tomorrow night.
Come on,
we'll live through it.
Oh, yeah, sure,
we'll live through it.
If we can stay awake.
Oh, come on,
they can't be that bad.
You spent a half hour with them.
What'd you talk about?
Thermostats.
Thermostats?
Oh, if only this wasn't
so important to David.
I couldn't care less.
I fear the gentleman
does protest too much.
Alright. Let me put it this way.
I think they ought to get
together, if they want to
but not on account of us.
Well, your father's already met
my parents and it was..
Deadly.
It was worse than deadly.
It was disastrous.
[laughing]
Did you ever see
three people in a room
that had less
to say one another?
Never. I mean, they didn't
even dislike each other enough
to generate any sparks.
It's terrible.
[clears throat]
"I think all thermostats
should be set at ."
"I think you have a point
there, George."
[laughing]
[indistinct chatter]
Hi.
[laughing]
Well, that was quite a slam.
[dramatic music]
Hello!
I though you were going to
the pep rally this afternoon.
Oh, really, uh,
what gave you that idea?
Well, it's your team,
it's your school.
Oh, gosh, I thought
maybe you'd forgotten.
Look, Tommy, uh,
I'd like you to understand
that I'm only trying to do
what's best for Hank Dixon.
Oh, oh, I get it.
You're gonna change his
entire life in three weeks.
Well, I'm gonna try
to do something.
[scoffs]
This is great, it's terrific.
You get to play teacher
for three weeks
and I get to lose
all of my friends.
Come on,
what's Hank Dixon to you?
Oh, he's a student.
His future is important to me.
Oh, more than
your own son's present.
Or should I say stepson?
- That was uncalled for.
- 'Oh, was it?'
You're leaving in three weeks,
I'm not.
I've gotta go
back there every day
for the next two years.
Look, Tommy, it's my job
to try to help him.
Then do it!
Go ahead, be a terrific
substitute teacher
because I'll tell you one thing
you're not much
of a substitute mother.
[instrumental music]
Dad, are Janet's parents
our relatives?
[chuckles]
No, just think of them
as our guests.
Hopefully the kind
that leave early.
Do I have to kiss them
when they walk in?
No, no, no. They'll have
to be married for that.
You mean, Janet's parents
aren't married either?
Yes, of course,
they're married.
Look, David
is very fond of Janet
so he's having
her parents over here
so that we can get
to know them better.
You understand?
And because "Wonder Frog"
isn't on tonight.
Oh, listen, aren't you getting
ready for Janet's parents?
Uh, can I meet 'em
some other time?
I had a heavy day,
and I just wanna sack out
and do my homework.
Oh, you're not coming down
with anything, are you?
Maybe Abby should
take your temperature.
No, she's done enough
for me in one day.
Oh, that's nice.
[door closes]
(Mary)
'Don't let him get to you.
You know Tommy.'
I thought I knew Tommy.
Look, by tomorrow morning he-he
won't remember he even said it.
He'll remember.
And so will I.
Abby, if you're that hurt,
maybe you ought to tell dad.
[chuckles]
I don't want this
to turn into a disaster.
Tom will think
he has to defend me
and then he'll jump
all over Tommy.
And then that'll
just prove Tommy's point
that I'm a bad mother.
And a big troublemaker.
- You were just doing your job.
- One of my jobs.
Well, are you all ready
for the McArthurs?
- Sure am, dad.
- How about you, Abby?
I'll be ready
in about minutes.
You're not smiling.
Neither are you.
Well, I have an excuse.
I know how boring they are.
But don't worry. Cheer up.
I have a feeling
that this evening is going
to pass by
in a mere , years.
Nancy!
Nancy! How dare you come in here
and burglarize my things!
I am not burglarizing.
I am legally
recovering stolen property.
Stolen property?
What are you talking about?
Oh, you know perfectly well
what I'm talking about.
My pink cashmere sweater.
- Your pink cashmere sweater--
- I wanna wear it tonight!
And the man
at the cleaners told me
a Bradford girl picked it up.
A girl with a script
under her arm!
Oh, boy!
That is a classic.
On that one flimsy
piece of evidence
you accuse me of the crime.
I'm innocent, Nance.
'Totally innocent.'
Ha ha ha. You mean,
it wasn't you at the cleaners?
Oh, no, no,
it was me at the cleaners.
I went to pick it up
as a favor...to Susan.
- To Susan?
- Yeah.
Oh, wait till I get
my hands on her!
Uh, don't you think
your hands
belong somewhere else,
Nancy?
Huh?
If you value your life,
Nancy Bradford
you will turn around
and go over
to those clothes
and pick them up
and put them back neatly
where they belong.
Don't tell me you're angry.
- I'm the injured party.
- No.
About to be injured.
Oh.
Thank you.
These cookies
aren't too impressive, dad.
Please, don't worry about it.
They're not going
to be as stale
as George McArthur's jokes.
Oh, if I were fast
on my feet
I would have come up
with an excuse
to get out
of this ridiculous evening.
Mm, let's see,
we could say that
there was a malaria epidemic
sweeping the house.
No, no, no.
It has to be very subtle.
Something like..
I have it.
I have it!
I could tell em'
that I threw my back out.
Your back? Dad, you
always use that excuse
and it is,
it's so obvious.
- It is obvious?
- Totally.
[phone ringing]
Oh.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Mr. McArthur.
Oh, are you sure?
But David and Janet
aren't even married yet.
Okay...Uncle George.
[whispering]
Dad, he wants me
to call him Uncle George.
Now when he comes in,
I'm gonna have to
kiss him and everything.
Hi, what I can do for you,
Uncle Geor..
Uh, George.
Yeah, no, it's me,
Tom Bradford.
Right.
Oh.
Aww! That's alright.
Oh, sure, I understand,
please don't worry about it.
We will do it some other
evening, real soon.
No, it's alright!
Please, George..
I-I've had the same
problem with my back.
Right. Bye-bye, now.
His back?
You're right.
It is too obvious.
I'm really surprised
you're backing off like this.
I'm not backing off.
Look, coach, Anne Cavalluzzi
tells me that Hank Dixon
is perfectly capable
of doing good work
but he's using his basketball
stardom as an excuse not to.
Now, wait, just a minute.
If you had a player
who could sink footers
and only settle for lay-ups,
what would you do?
Anne tells me
that school procedure
permits me to give him
a make up test
so that's what I'll do,
I'll give him a make up test
but Hank has got to stop
fooling around
and live up
to his full potential!
Fair enough.
I'll tell Dix the good news?
If you both understand one thing
it's only good news
if he passes.
Okay.
- I'll make sure he knows that.
- Good.
Bye, Mr. Polla..
Uh, Coach Pollard.
Nice to see you.
Thanks for dropping in.
- Hey, Bradford.
- Yeah?
Dix would like to talk with you.
In his office.
Hi, Dix, I just want you to know
that I talked to my stepmother
about the situation.
Yeah, I know.
Coach just told me.
Thanks, Bradford.
Thanks?
I really appreciate
you talking to her
into giving me a make up test.
Oh, yeah, ha ha.
It was my pleasure.
At first,
she didn't want to
and then I explained
the situation to her
and she understands
totally now.
I-I'm glad I could help.
I'm glad you feel that way.
'Cause you can do me
another favor.
- I can?
- Yeah.
You talked her
into the make up test
and I appreciate it.
The only problem is,
with practice and all
I don't have time
to study for it.
Yeah, that, uh, is a problem.
That's why I'm counting
on you to get me
a copy of the test.
Dix, I couldn't!
- You live in the same house.
- Well, yeah, but I..
You found a way to talk her
into the test
you'll find a way
to get the questions.
I can't!
Yeah, Bradford, you can.
[intense music]
Hey...you look awful.
- Yeah, I know.
- Well, what's the matter?
You had a romantic tiff
with Linda Iams?
Whose Linda Iams?
Hey, there really is
something wrong. What is it?
Oh, Dix and some
of his friends are hassling me.
But why, Marcy Collins
told Natien Norris
and Natien told me that Abby's
letting him make up the test.
Well, did Marcy Collins
tell Natien Norris
that Dix expects me to steal
an advanced copy of the test?
Are you kidding me?
I wouldn't kid you
about my two broken arms.
Oh, Tommy, they are not
gonna hurt you.
Are you kidding?
They can make my life
so miserable
I'd have to leave school.
No, I don't believe that.
I just don't believe it.
Ugh. Tell me about it
when I'm in the hospital.
[bell ringing]
So, how is George's back?
Whose back?
You know, George!
The father of...your friend.
- Your roommate, your--
- Oh, oh, oh!
- You mean Janet's father.
- Yes, Janet's father.
How is his back?
Was there something wrong
with his back?
Remember, you asked that.
I was too polite.
Dad, what are we talking about?
I am merely talking
about the allegedly
unexpected and untimely injury
'which unfortunately
has caused him'
to lay off our first meeting.
For which I understand
and sympathize with
because I have suffered
from the same injury
'on similar occasions.'
Oh, you mean
the McArthurs didn't come
to the house last night?
But we are going to remedy
the situation
as soon as possible.
No, dad,
don't put yourself out.
I'm not putting
myself out.
I'm just doing
a decent thing.
You know, a little coffee
and...cookies
and scintillating conversation.
Do you come here often?
Yes. Why?
What's wrong with the food?
You call this food?
Now, look, do not insult
the Jalisco Hot Dog Pit.
I've been coming here
for almost ten years!
In fact, I plan to
bring George here for lunch.
Oh, good, well then
you'll have something in common.
'Heartburn.'
Where is Tommy?
Um, he said he'll meet us
at the van.
Oh, I've got some good news.
I've decided to give Hank Dixon
a make up test. It's cool, huh?
- I know, it's all over school.
- Oh!
I wanted to tell Tommy myself.
Got a little making up
of my own to do, you know?
Yeah, I don't think Tommy's
in the mood for making up.
Hank Dixon wants him to steal
the test answers from you.
- What?
- Ask Tommy.
They've really got him scared.
He says they're threatening him.
I don't believe that.
I tried to tell him
it's only a bluff.
That's good.
That's good.
- He didn't buy it.
- He didn't?
- Uh-uh.
- I'll talk to him.
(Abby)
'Tommy!'
Hey, Tommy!
Tommy, what's wrong?
Tommy, I, um..
Well..
Tommy, your van!
Tommy, I'm sorry.
[dramatic music]
- Dad?
- Hmm?
Do I have to buy Uncle George
a Christmas present?
Oh, no, Nicholas.
Was he gonna get me one?
I wouldn't count on it.
Well, what if David and Janet
are married before Christmas?
Then I'll buy you a present.
Thanks, Anne.
I-I appreciate your advice.
Right, well,
I'll let you know what I decide.
Bye-bye.
What did she say?
Anne says that I could
take it to the principal
but that there's not much
he could do
without real proof.
You didn't see him
mess up Tommy's van?
Anne also says
that if I accuse Hank Dixon
and don't make it stick,
then Tommy will be
in worse trouble with them.
Then drop it, Abby.
You're a substitute teacher.
You'll be gone in a few weeks.
Look, if Anne Cavalluzzi
and the school administration
can't solve the problem,
well, then how do you expect
to breeze in for a few days
and set it right?
Somebody should.
And somebody
has to think about Tommy.
Well, daddy didn't say
anything to me
about his back going out.
I didn't wanna say anything
to my father.
But a back going out
is a pretty standard excuse
for getting out
of social commitments.
I've used it myself.
Are you saying
that my father lied?
Well, lying's
a pretty strong word.
I'm just saying
that maybe your parents
didn't really wanna
get to know my parents
as much as they claimed.
Oh, now both my parents
are liars.
What about yours?
Oh, no, you see
how they do it?
I mean, they don't mean
to do it, but they do it.
Do what?
We're arguing about our parents.
We're having in-law problems
and we're not even married.
Well, that's true.
A week ago,
it was just me and thee.
Now it's me, thee and they.
[chuckles]
Yeah.
I know the problem.
We're letting them handle
this themselves.
I was just thinking
the same thing.
You know, from all indications
it's time to intercede
and manipulate.
But let's start
with your parents.
Why not yours?
Why not both?
[laughing]
- Hi, Nance.
- Hi, Susan.
I hope you're here
to return my sweater.
Oh, come on, Nancy, I told you
I didn't know anything about it.
- Then I don't know you.
- Hey, sure you do.
I'm the one who wants
to borrow your new blouse.
Of all the nerve.
First you see to it
that my favorite sweater
disappears
now you want
a cr*ck at my new blouse.
Oh, come on, Nance,
it really brings out
the color of my hair,
what do you say?
That blouse
is unavailable, Susan.
Oh, I bet,
I bet it's right over here.
I bet you're lying.
Get out of my closet!
[chuckles]
Hey, Nance, uh, what's this?
[chuckles]
It looks a lot
like my missing sweater.
Doesn't it? You mean, you didn't
even look in your own closet.
Why should I?
None of my things
are ever in there.
Ugh!
Well, I guess
this is kind of what you call
an embarrassing situation, huh?
All the people
that you yelled at.
All the insulting things
that you said.
I bet they sure
would like to discover
where it really
was all this time.
Susan Bradford.
Are you proposing
blackmail, huh?
Only because
I look terrific in black.
So...I will borrow
your black skirt
your black pants
and your black shoes.
How would you like
a nice black eye?
- Hey, dad.
- Hi, Tommy.
Uh, how long were you in Korea?
Oh, months.
Oh, please don't tell me
you're reading about that
in ancient history now.
No, I'm just curious.
What was it like in combat?
Oh, well..
You know the w*r movies
on television?
It's nothing like that.
It starts out...miserable
and it gets worse.
And I didn't even
carry a r*fle.
I just wrote
about the men who did.
Were you scared?
Umm...constantly.
What did you do about it?
Nothing, just tried
to act like I wasn't.
But I wasn't fooling anybody.
I wasn't even fooling myself.
Why? You're not considering
a m*llitary career, are you?
No, way. I'm a coward.
Why do you say that?
- No reason.
- Come on, now.
Something must make you
say a thing like that.
'What is it?'
Alright, there's some guys
at school that are hassling me.
I saw your van.
Is there anything I can do?
No. There's nothing
anyone can do.
I know what you mean.
I-I had a similar...experience
when I was in high school.
And, uh...I solved it by, um..
[Tom clears throat]
'...getting the mumps.'
- The mumps?
- Well, not the real mumps.
It was my father's suggestion.
I just went around
and told everybody
that I had them and it, uh,
kept me out of school
on the day that I was supposed
to fight the biggest kid
on the football team.
You mean, you chickened out?
Well...I prefer to think of it
as mumping out.
Oh, it was a lousy thing
to do though.
I tell you, I've been thinking
about that kid every day
since I was years old.
Every day I've wished
that I had just stood up to him.
Yeah, that's easy to say now.
No, it's very difficult
because now I realize
that the worst thing
that he could have done
to me was to
to make me hurt for a week.
Now that kid's been on my back
every day for years.
- He has?
- Yes.
And every day for years
I've had to ask myself
a very painful question.
What if that big guy..
...was just as scared as I was?
Was he?
Everybody's scared, Tommy.
'But if we can
overcome our own fear..'
...then our enemy's fear
conquers him for us.
Tom?
I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to wake you.
It's okay,
I wasn't sleeping.
Were you, were you working?
No, no, I was father confessing.
- Tommy?
- That's right. How'd you guess?
I've never seen him
this upset about anything.
Did he tell you
it was my fault?
What-what? Your fault?
How could it be your fault?
Didn't he tell you?
No, your name
was never even mentioned.
Abby, w-why didn't you tell me?
Because I thought it would
just complicate things
and because I thought
I could handle it myself.
Boy, I wish I'd never taken
this teaching job.
Oh, that's very important
to you.
Yeah, but Tommy's
more important.
What advice did you give him?
I told him to stand his ground.
Tom, you didn't. I mean,
have you seen Hank Dixon?
He and his buddies
outweigh Tommy
by I-I don't even know how much.
Then what do you suggest?
[instrumental music]
Umm, Elizabeth, could you
excuse me for a minute?
I have to talk
to Tommy alone.
- What's up?
- Elizabeth, please?
Sure.
Now why'd you do that for?
This is just between us, Tommy.
Yeah, I don't think there's
anything between us anymore.
I know you feel that way,
but I feel differently.
Here.
What's this?
It's Hank Dixon's advanced copy
of the make up test.
- Just like that?
- Just like that.
But, uh, isn't this gonna
get you into trouble?
Isn't it gonna get you out?
Dix was getting worried
that you might be late.
I just hope for your sake,
Bradford, that you came through.
Gus got him.
Wait here.
Dix is waiting
for you, Bradford.
Hi, Dix.
Come on, Bradford,
I don't have all day.
Bradford.
Did you get it?
Yeah, I got it.
You got more brains
than I figured.
Hand it over.
- No.
- What?
I can't.
You're not listening, Bradford.
I want that test.
Well, then you got it!
Are you crazy?
That's it, man,
you blew it.
Go ahead, Dix.
Break me up.
Is it gonna help?
Why, Bradford?
Why did you do that to me?
Don't you get it?
No. Don't you know
what you're doing to me?
Look, Dix,
you gotta understand
I'm doing this for me.
I could still waste you!
Yeah, you could.
[intense music]
Did you get it?
Are you kidding?
Candy from a baby.
[laughing]
- So..
- Yeah.
So, I said,
"Listen, bartender
"if you don't teach
that man to tango
I will."
[laughing]
Get it?
(George)
Uh, it just goes
to show you, Tom.
I had no idea this evening
was gonna go so well.
Yes, it's certainly is going
unbelievably...well.
But look how great
everything's turned out.
Just four people
having a good time together.
[laughing]
Yes.
Good time! Yeah!
[laughing]
Ha ha ha.
- Uh.
- Uh, yeah.
Yeah, it was really w-wonderful
of David and Janet to set
this whole thing up, wasn't it?
Oh, speaking of Janet and David
shouldn't they be here by now?
Yeah, where are they?
David and Janet.
George, dear.
Now, why don't you tell them
that terrific story
about the bill pickled peddler
who was always late
for his appointment?
- Oh, yeah, oh yeah!
- Yeah, that's terrific.
[phone ringing]
Oh, you're gonna love this one!
'It's a terrific story!'
- 'You'll really love it.'
- 'Tell it! Tell it! Hurry up!'
Oh, wait, let me just answer
the telephone first, alright?
Oh, y-you go right ahead, Tom.
I'll tell it to Abby.
No, that's alright, really.
I can wait.
Oh, oh! Nicholas, please I'm
trying to answer the telephone.
- Oh, I already did.
- Oh.
It was David.
Oh, what did he say?
Are they coming?
Nope, he can't.
He hurt his back.
[dramatic music]
His back!
His back?
His back.
I didn't believe it either.
[laughing]
[theme music]
03x23 - The Better Part of Valor
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The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.
The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.