06x03 - The Au Pair

[bunniefuu]

Hello, boys. Agh.

Someone's here to see you.

Really?

It's Gibby!

I am Gibby.

Er, hi, Gibby.

Well, come in, come in.

Can you believe it? It's Gibby.

You are the Jonny?

Er, yup.

And you are the Adam.
Or just "Adam".

I am the Gibby.

OK.

What an amazing surprise, eh, boys?

Yes, it would be if we...

UNDER HIS BREATH:
..knew who she was.

What? Don't be silly.

It's Gibby.

To them I am a mystery.

Oh.

Oh, Gibby?

Oh, why were you
so horrible to Gibby?

What? Who's Gibby?

I am Gibby.

Who, is she?
She's your bloody au pair.

So, we have an au pair now, do we?
I'll get the potty.

Not now, stupid, your old au pair.

She's come to visit. Old au pair?

Yes, you were four,
and Jonny was a baby.

Yes, you were four,
and Jonny was a baby.

From Switzerland? Liked animals?

Used to cry quite a lot.

The memory of me, it has vanished.

What? Of course the memory
of you hasn't vanished.

BOTH: The memory of you
hasn't vanished.

There we are.

I am Gibby.

Oh, my God.

Come though, darling.

Well, did they remember her?

GIBBY CRIES

She seems stable.

Oh, why did you have to
say anything?

What?

KNOCKS ON DOOR
Gibby?

Excuse me,
I am using the facilities.

She's using the facilities?

URINATING

She's using the facilities.

Well, they're obviously
excellent facilities.

Well, they're obviously
excellent facilities.

She's still in there? Shhh.

But who just turns up?
Stop it, will you?

But who just turns up?
Stop it, will you?

So, how long's she staying?
Five bleeding nights.

All right, Martin.

Ah, five nights
with a total nutjob.

She's not a nutjob.

No, he said "total nutjob".
MARTIN LAUGHS

Martin.

She's just a little emotional.

Gibby was always a little
emotional, wasn't she, Martin?

A little emotional?

Oh, she was so sweet,
she used to love it here.

And you know, she's already
asked about having a cream tea.

And you know, she's already
asked about having a cream tea.

JACKIE LAUGHS
Only bloody times.

Sorry, having a cream tea?

What? Like scones and cream and jam?

Yeah. Don't you remember?

Gibby used to go to the
hotel round the corner,

and have a cream tea every day.

Every day she had a cream tea?

And you let this woman look
after your children, did you?

For a whole year. Very good.

While she worked her way
through cream teas.

Stop it.

She just tried one once,
and was, you know, hooked.

Total nutjob.

Shut up.

You used to adore her,
Adam, adore her.

All right. I return.

Oh. There you are, love.
Everything OK now?

Oh. There you are, love.
Everything OK now?

Yes. The facilities,
they are clean.

Oh. Great.

I sit in the vicinity of the boys?

Um.

The vicinity.

Aw, Gibby and our little babies.

Smile!

CLICK
Mum. Ah, lovely.

CLICK
Mum. Ah, lovely.

Aw.

And now we go for the cream tea?

Christ.

Er, not now, Gibby, OK?

Er, not now, Gibby, OK?

But, you are saying the old hotel,

But, you are saying the old hotel,

it is still providing
the cream teas?

Yes, but we'll get a cream
tea another day.

Oh.

Gibby is very sad.

Um. Gibby's also visiting
some of the other families

she worked for all those years ago.

Isn't that... Weird?

Yes, I am performing all the visits.

Yes, I am performing all the visits.

The family Sullivan, they is nice.

The family Goodman,
they is very nice.

Ooh.

The family Carter,
they is the best family.

Um, right.

But they is dead.

But they is dead.

DOORBELL RINGS
I'm getting that.

What he said. Yup.

Hello, boys and man.

Hello, boys and man.

ALL: Hi. All right, Jim?

No, I'm not all right, actually.

Really? I'm wounded.

JONNY AND ADAM: Wounded?

Oh, God, Jim, come in.

Thank you, Martin.

Come no, Milson. Get up there.

Come no, Milson. Get up there.

Oh, uh, uh.

That's it.

Where's your wound?

Here.

That's your wound?

I don't have any plasters you see.

And what if a dirty microbe
got inside the wound

and travelled all
the way down to my organs?

Your organs?

Yes, my kidneys, my livers.

You only have one liver, Jim.

I only have one liver now?

Everything all right?

Jim's lost one of his livers.
Huh?

Do you have a plaster, Jackie?

I have a terrible, gaping wound.

God. Jonny, get a plaster.

God. Jonny, get a plaster.

Go on, Puss-face. Ugh. Jonny.

A man und a dog,
they is in the house.

MILSON WHINES

Um, Jim, this is Gibby.

It's Gibby.

The dog, it is large.

Is it?

Um, Gibby's from Switzerland.

In Switzerland, the dogs
of the mountain,

they is as large as wolves.

Wolves?

Er, Gibby was our au pair.

A pear? Right.

Auf wiedersehen.

JACKIE: Er, thank you.

Plaster. Thanks, Bobble.

Jim, do you want me
to do it for you, or?

Can Gibby do my plaster?

OK.

One, two... Ah, ah! ..it is done.

Good boy.

Good girl.

Und now I must use the facilities.

Jackie, might I
also use the facilities?

Jim, Gibby's using the loo.

URINATING

Yes, Gibby's using the loo.

Yes, Gibby's using the loo.

Goodbye, Jim.

Oh, yes, come on Milson.

Oh, yes, come on Milson.

Yes, Switzerland...

Ugh. Has Professor Bonkers gone?

Martin. What?

Jim fancies Gibby.

sh*t on it.

Can't we just start? Shhh.

What's she still doing in there?

Rebuilding the facilities?
MESSAGE TONE

Oh, Jim, not again.

What's he want now?

"Is Gibby warm enough in the house?"

Seriously?
He met her for one minute.

He's bloody obsessed with her.

MESSAGE TONE
Oh. Another one?

MESSAGE TONE
Oh. Another one?

"Please ensure Gibby has easy
access to fresh water."

"Please ensure Gibby has easy
access to fresh water."

Boys, get the hosepipe.

Yeah, and strangle me with it.
JACKIE LAUGHS

I return.

Um, great.

Everything OK now?

Yes. My body, it is emptied.

How nice.

Right, tuck in, everyone.
JACKIE LAUGHS

Ooh, and there's still about
, potatoes,

so don't be shy.

Mm.

That's it, Martin, don't be shy.

Ow.

Gibby, nice?

Gibby is nice?

Er, the food, do you like the taste?

Mm, this is a difficult question.

Really? Why?

Because there is no taste.

And you're staying here how long?

For the five nights.

Oh, yes, the five nights.

Actually, Jackie, the
taste that is the best for me

is the taste of the cream tea.

Bloody hell.

You know, with the scone
and the cream.

Um, yeah, love.

And the jam of the
berries of the straw.

Strawberry jam.

So, we are getting the
cream tea now, ja?

Now? Er, not now, Gibby,
OK? Maybe tomorrow?

Hmmm?

This is a tragedy.

WHISPERS: Five nights.

DOORBELL RINGS
Oh, Jim? Obviously.

DOORBELL RINGS
Oh, Jim? Obviously.

Obviously. Hmmm?

Nothing. What do you want?

Er.

Great.

Um, I must apologise,

but I think I left
something in your house,

you know, when I was here earlier.

Really? What?

How's Gibby?

Erm, fine.

What did you lose, Jim?
Where's Gibby?

She's in the dining room.
What did you lose?

She's in the dining room.
What did you lose?

Yes, I lost it in the dining room.

No, you didn't lose
it in the dining room

because you didn't go in
the dining room, remember?

You were just here.

Yes, well, maybe the
thing that I lost...

..it rolled all the way from here

..it rolled all the way from here

into the dining room.

OK, and the thing that you lost was?

A marble. Of course it was.

Yes, it was a particularly
round marble

because it rolled all the
way from here to remain...

because it rolled all the
way from here to remain...

Jim? ..here.

Hello, all. Pissing heck.

Oh, hi, Jim.

Jim's lost a pretend marble.

Pretend marble? Real marble.

Huh?

Hello...

..Gibby.

Jim.

JIM WHINES AWKWARDLY

Is that all, Jim, or..?

Um, oh, yes.

Actually, no.

There is something I need
to talk to Gibby about.

Really? Um...

..Switzerland.

Mm-hmm.

Well, thanks, Jim, so
if you could...

JIM WHINES AWKWARDLY

Martin?

Come on, Jim.
GIBBY LAUGHS

Come on.

Right. Argh.

Right. Argh.

My God.

Erm, sorry about him, Gibby.

He is a nice man?

Hm. Um. He has the fat legs?

What? I'm sorry? Fat legs?

Because the man I was with,
I am having to finish with him

because he has the fat legs.

So, normal reasons, then.

Jackie, you think Jim
has the fat legs?

Jackie, you think Jim
has the fat legs?

Er, I wouldn't really
know that, love.

Er, I wouldn't really
know that, love.

GIBBY MOANS ANXIOUSLY

Nearly broke my bleeding back.

GIBBY MOANS

Everything all right, there, Gibby?

She's thinking about the fat legs.

The fat legs?

Um. You OK, love?

Um. You OK, love?

I am just remembering living in the
house with the Goodman family.

It is the happiest
time in the life for Gibby.

It is the happiest
time in the life for Gibby.

Ah, sweetie.

Sometimes I wished
you was my family.

GIBBY SOBS

GIBBY SOBS

Oh, come here, love.

Oh, come here, love.

Don't be sad.

CRIES: Ja-ck-ie!

CRIES: Ja-ck-ie!

Jackie, there is only one
thing in the world that can make me

feel happy in this moment.

Really? And what's that?

I mean, it's ridiculous.

Going for a cream tea
halfway through dinner?

Going for a cream tea
halfway through dinner?

Who wants to bloody do that?

I want to bloody do that.

That's cos you'll eat
anything at any time.

Yeah, is there anything
you won't eat, ever?

Erm, wasps?

Oh, hurry up with the facilities.

Oh, hurry up with the facilities.

You OK, Gibby?

I am now re-emptied.

Mazeltov. Let's go.

Oh, crab. What are you doing there?

Oh, crab. What are you doing there?

Oh, just looking for my
very round marble.

Hello, Gibby.

Hello, the Jim.

Hello, the Jim.

Well, we're just
popping out now, so...

Oh, where are you "popping" to?

WHISPERS: Don't tell him.

We go to the old hotel Welmsley
to have the cream tea.

You put cream in your tea?

It's a creamy tea?

Goodbye.

Oh, I forget.

Gibby.

Oh-oh-oh!

Hmmm.

Gibby fancies Jim.

Well, here we are.

Oh, my mouth is very excited
for the taste of the cream tea.

Is your mouths very excited
for the taste of the cream tea?

Oh, yes,
we all have very excited mouths.

And now I must use the facilities.

Bloody hell.

Can't we just dump her
here for five nights?

What? The hotel or the car park?

Either will do.

Come on.

Wait. That's Bradley.

Bradley?

It is. I haven't seen him for about
years.

We went to school together.

Oh, God...
HE GASPS

He's lost an arm.

Poor Bradley.

Oh, dear.

Erm, excuse me.

I don't believe it!
It's Martin bloody Goodman.

I don't believe it!
It's Martin bloody Goodman.

That's right!

Hello, Bradley.

Er, Neville.

Oh, yes, I meant Neville.

Erm, Shirley, this is Martin.
We went to school together.

Lovely to meet you.

Oh, yes, this is my family.

Oh, yes, this is my family.

The wife.

And, er, the children.

Thank you.

You know, lads, me and your dad got
up to no end of mischief at school.

You know, lads, me and your dad got
up to no end of mischief at school.

Really? Did you?

Remember old Hasting's car,
when we let down all his tyres?

What? No.

Yeah, by the main hall.

And we did Miss Gant's tyres.

Did we?

And Mr Dudley's tyres.
Don't you remember? Erm...

And Mr Dudley's tyres.
Don't you remember? Erm...

He doesn't have the best memory.

He hasn't got a memory!

Er, by the way, I'm so sorry.
When, er...

When did that happen?

When did what happen?

Your arm.

My arm? His arm?

Are you joking or something?

Sorry? I didn't have an arm when I
knew you.

- Oh, God.
Didn't you?

No. I was born without an arm.

No. I was born without an arm.

sh*t. I must have forgot.

Er...

Um... Well, nice to have met you
all.

Yeah, really nice.

You've never had an arm?

Goodbye, Martin.

Yeah, see you, Bradley.

Neville.

Well, that wasn't the most

embarrassing conversation of all
time. Yeah, well done, dad.

Fancy not remembering
he didn't have an arm!

All right.
I remembered he didn't have a tail.

Martin!

Hello, all.
THEY ALL GROAN

Is this the right place for a
creamy tea?

Ooh! Oh, Jim! Oh, no!

Naughty Mr Metal Spoon is coming
back for more!

Naughty Mr Metal Spoon is coming
back for more!

No, Jim, no!

Please make it stop.

CLATTERING

Erm, five cream teas?

Thank God.

There you are.

And one...

..creamy... tea.

Ahh, creamy tea.

HE GROWLS SOFTLY

Lovely and thick.

years I am
waiting for the delicious cream tea.

Well, I hope you enjoy
it as much as you used to.

I hope so also, Jackie.

Very much.

Well? Well?

Oh... Gibby?

The cream is just too much sweet.

The jam, it is too much not sweet.

And the scone...

SHE SNIFFS

It is smelly.

"Smelly"?

SHE SOBS

JIM SLURPS LOUDLY

Well, this is terrific.

Well, this is terrific.

Oh, come on, Gibby, come out now.

I do not never come out.

What a shame.

What are we meant to do?

Nothing. She just spends the next
five nights locked in a hotel bog.

Nothing. She just spends the next
five nights locked in a hotel bog.

Yup. Where's your father?

Er, he's just finishing his five
cream teas.

Er, he's just finishing his five
cream teas.

SHE SIGHS

Oh, come out, will you?

Oh, come out, will you?

Jackie, I've finished my creamy tea

and now I'm all ready to
liberate Gibby.

and now I'm all ready to
liberate Gibby.

You're going to liberate Gibby,
are you, Jim?

You're going to liberate Gibby,
are you, Jim?

Yes, Jackie.

Right. And what are you going to do?
Kick the door down?

Erm...

Stand back, please.

# There was a frog lived in a well

# Whipsee diddledee dandy dee

# There was a mouse lived in a well

# Whipsee diddledee dandy dee

# The frog he would a-wooing ride

# With a sword and buckler by his
side

# With a harum-scarum diddle dum
darum

# Whipsee diddledee dandy dee! #

# Whipsee diddledee dandy dee! #

DOOR OPENS

Thank you, Jim.

It is beautiful.

We're going.

What do you mean we're going?
Don't ask.

I've still got another three
cream teas to get through.

Come on. Jackie!

Come on!

I'm sorry, Martin.

The girl's too much.
She's just too much.

Hm? Ugh! Martin!

Dad... What?

Your tyres?

Oh, crap.

I wonder who did that?

Neville sodding Bradley git.

Right, well, here we are, then, Jim.

Yes, here we are.

Not you.

Oh, Jim is not here?

No, he's just had to pop home and...

Make love to his dog.

Ow!

Gibby is so sad without Jim.

Yes, well, I'm sure you'll survive.

Why don't you come and have a nice
little sit-down in the living room?

On the own?

That's right - on the own.

Mum?

Upstairs.

Ooh, what about this place?

Martin, you've shown me
that place five times already.

It's fully booked. All right.

Isn't it a bit mean to just stick
her in a hotel for the weekend?

Boys, it's only a couple of nights.

Boys, it's only a couple of nights.

This place?
Oh, my God, it's the same place!

Right, move. I'm doing it.

SHE SIGHS

Boys, please give your
father Internet lessons.

Bloody Internet.

There's got to be somewhere
near that's got a room.

That place looks all right.

Does it look all right?

"I found a rat in my room."

The London Rat Hotel.

Oh, sh*t.

You know, we're the ones
that should be staying in a hotel,

Jackie, not old Giblet features.

Ha-ha!

Having a bit of time to ourselves.

Dad!

Having a bit of nippy-nippy.

Argh! Oh, my God, you're animals!

Oh, just go downstairs, then,
if you don't like it.

Oh, just go downstairs, then,
if you don't like it.

We don't like it. Yeah.

Enjoy your five nights here with
Gibby-Gibby and no nippy-nippy.

Enjoy your five nights here with
Gibby-Gibby and no nippy-nippy.

Sods.

I mean...
JIM: Gibby!

SHE LAUGHS
Oh, Casanova's back.

MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC PLAYS

Terrific evening.

And jump!

Er, Jonny? What?

Er, why are Mum and Dad driving off
in your car?

Oi! Mum? Dad? Hey!

Come back!

Where are they bloody going?! Right!

What's going on?! Adam?

What's going on?! Adam?

What's that?
Obviously they're not answering.

The shits. "Found a room in a
rat-free hotel. Back late Sunday."

Oh, my God! The shits!

"Please look after Gibby."

They want us to look after Gibby?!
Bastards!

What's dad put here? Oh,
"Two words, - nippy-nippy."

Nice touch. I can't believe it.

They've just dumped us
here with bloody... Hello?

The mother and the father,
they is gone?

The mother and the father,
they is gone?

Er, they've just had to go
away for a couple of days, Gibby.

Yeah.

But... who will look after Gibby?

BOTH: We will look after Gibby.

Can we do some more erotic dancing,
now, Gibby?

Jim, I am thinking we have the
upstairs of the house

Jim, I am thinking we have the
upstairs of the house

to ourselves tonight.

Oh, God.

Maybe we can be having some fun.

Ooh, Gibby...

Ahh... Ahh!

Er...

You are liking what you are seeing?

Oh, yes, Gibby.

Guys...

Maybe you are liking to see
some more?

Maybe you are liking to see
some more?

HE BREATHES RAPIDLY

Wolves! Wolves!

Wolves! Wolves!

HE WHIMPERS

HE SCREAMS

Oh...

Oh.

I use the facilities.

# I change shapes just to hide in
this place

# But I'm still, I'm still an animal

# Nobody knows it but me when I slip

# Yeah, I slip, I'm still an animal

# I change shapes just to hide in
this place

# But I'm still,
I'm still an animal... #

# But I'm still,
I'm still an animal... #