09x02 - Butter in the Microwave

[bunniefuu]

Stella!

Hold it.

What?

Yes!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, I'm Greg Davies.

I am a leggy blonde.

Born in '68 and I am 6ft 8.

Mind-blowing! But enough about me,

let's just get on with the show and
meet our five brave warriors.

Please welcome them.

David Baddiel,

Ed Gamble,

Jo Brand,

Katy Wix,

Rose Matafeo.

And to my left,

a man who Tina Turner
once described as simply the PEST.

LAUGHTER

And, in a separate conversation, as
a complete arsehole.

It's little Alex Horne.

Did she? Did she really?

Yeah.

Interesting.

Hey, Alex. Thank you for that.
How's things?

I feel like a new man, actually.
Oh, yeah?

Sort of lifestyle changes recently,

I've...I've always struggled
with making decisions,

so what I do now, when I'm shopping,
is follow someone round

who I think looks quite cool
and then when they throw away

their receipt, I take that receipt
and then I buy what they've bought.

OK.

Tell you what I had this week.
Oh, yeah, good.

I followed around a guy who was
wearing a vest and he had long hair.

Yeah.

And he had a Soreen malt loaf,
harissa smoked mackerel

and a large avocado.

Yeah.

There was a...a quite a cool priest.

Didn't have a collar, he might not
have been a priest but he was...

He had Mini Cheddars, iced coffee
and a mango.

Yeah, what's wrong with you?

On we go, then.

What's the first category this week?

Well, slow down, Mr Keen.

No, you're quite right, it's
prize time.

It's prize time, and this week
they're bringing in the best bag.

AUDIENCE GASP

Yes, it IS a good category.

You'll simply judge which
bag is best.

That person will bag five points
and, at the end of the episode,

the winner will bag five bags and
bag about it to all their friends.

Right. Katy, hello.

Hello.

What's your bag and why is it
the best bag?

I think you're going to love this.

There it is. It's, erm, a...

It's a bagpipe but with no pipes.

So it's the best bit of the bagpipe
but no chance of noise.

APPLAUSE

It's quite an... I love it
but it's quite an intense sound.

It's too good. Intense?

It's too good.

It's too good.

It's too good, Scotland.

Maybe stop playing it?

Can I just...

I think it looks like a willy warmer
and joint testicle cooler.

Well, that's the bonus, isn't it?

I mean, for a very ill man.

David, have you got a lovely bag?

Well, I think I've misunderstood the
point of this

because I've chosen this.

Bag of sweets.

I really like sour sweets. Yeah.
And that's a bag of them.

You see, it hasn't really got
any kind of reaction at all.

Have we got them here?

Here we go. There are some.

Ooh.

So these are super-sours, are they?

Yes, would you like one?

So, what's a number between
one and ten?

Five. It feels like you should have
five.

Ooh, super-sour.

Do I have to drink them?

No, I'll pop 'em in for you.
Oh, here we go.

One,

two...

I think that's three more.

Oh, God.

Oh, man!

They ARE super-sour.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Ohh.

LAUGHTER

Pop them in your little drawer.

Lovely.

Jo Brand.

My bag... Have we got a picture of
my bag?

You want to go straight to the bag?
There it is. Thank you.

Oh, lovely.

Right, in the olden days,

when you had your lady monthly...

..squirty thing,

you weren't allowed to use tampons

unless you'd lost your virginity to
a hobbit.

So, erm, everyone else had to wear
sort of, like, towel-y things. Yep.

Basically, what you got to
dispose of them in was...

I love these bags because, look
at that,

it's got a Victorian lady with a
crinoline on,

and that's because sanitary towels
were so bloody massive,

only a crinoline would cover them up

when you're wearing one.

So I think that tells us how far
we've come

and how far we haven't come cos,
actually, you can still get these.

That woman is still on the front.

Yeah. Really?

Why is she lifting her skirt?
Because

she's letting some of it drain.

I don't know.

Rose, what's your bag? Why is it the
best one?

I made a bag, crocheted a
little bag,

and it's the best bag cos I wrote
"best" on it.

Here it is.

It IS the best bag.

Took me a while. Do you know how
many social engagements

I had to deny to make that bag?
I don't...

None!

Cos I crochet.

Until tonight I had no respect for
the crocheter.

Really? I do now.

Best bag so far.

Ed.

Erm, my lovely bag is a bag that
I like to call the belly bumbag.

Here it is.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

This is the Magnus. They come in
different names -

the Bobby, the Derek or
the Wolfgang.

Yes, and you can keep anything
you like in it.

Not anything you like. It's
40cm by 16cm, it must by within...

It's good for the larger gentleman.

It's good if you're a nudist

and you need something to keep your
phone in.

OK. I hate that.

OK, here we go.

OK, from bottom to top.

At one point, David Baddiel.

What? Yeah, I mean, I should...

Well, hang on, you LOVED giving him
the sour sweets.

Yeah, but that's not the bag.

The bag was sh*t.

Sorry, Ed, I really hate that belly
thing cos it reminds me of myself,

you weren't to know that, but I do.

I DID know that.

I'm going to give the period bag
three points

and I'm going to give four points...

Who-o-o-oa.

Yeah, to Katy Wix. Is it?

But you saw it. It had "best bag"
written on it.

OK. Rose Matafeo!

One, two, three, four, five.
Rose Matafeo!

Let's move on, then. What's first?

A WHEELIE nice one, Greg.

Here it is.

Hello.

Where's Alex Horne?

Ah, "Correctly identify which bin
Alex is in."

"You must adhere to the commandments
behind the curtain."

Oh, thank you.

"You may have only one guess.

"No bins are to be opened
at any point during the task

"unless authorised.

"Fastest correct guess wins.

"Your time starts now, and
stops when you have your guess."

Right. "You may wheel one bin
three metres.

"You may wheel one bin three metres.
You may gently shake one bin.

"You may strike... One bin with a
frying pan.

"You may push... Push one bin over.

"You may listen to one bin with
a stethoscope.

"You may avert your eyes and drop...
And drop one thing into the bin.

"You may phone Alex's phone...

"You may phone Alex's phone from the
phone in the phone... Alex's phone

"from the phone in the phone box."

I can do any of those?

I don't have to just do
one commandment, do I?

So, I will tell you that this is
the first

and only task today that Alex has
told me he genuinely hated.

Well, I'm quite...
As you keep saying,

quite tall, I'm quite a tall person

and I was in a bin and then I was
just waiting for someone to

whack the bin with a frying pan.

Yeah.

First to try to find my body
in a bin

are the modern-day
Rosemary & Thyme, Katy and Jo.

I'm gonna gently shake one.

How does it help striking it with
a frying pan?

BIN RATTLES

He's in here.

Oh.

LAUGHTER

Ah, number one!

It's Elaine Paige.

LAUGHTER

Never mind.

Jo, did you use all of your...
all of the commandments or did...?

No.

OK, bad attempt.

Now, it seemed to me

that you just decided to use some
Jedi mind trick on the bin.

No, I'll tell you what I was doing.
OK.

I thought I was being genuinely
clever and quite crafty because

I was checking the bottoms to see
which one was closest to the ground.

And to my stupid eyes, the others
had little gaps and that one didn't.

So you thought you'd outfoxed
the whole system.

Yeah, I thought I'd just...

I mean, it's breathtaking arrogance.
Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, welcome to my world.

Right, break time.

Will anyone find Alex?

Probably not because he's so little.

See you after these adverts.

Hello!

Welcome back to the second part
of Taskmaster.

Alex, you were being rubbish before
the break.

Yes, I was. I was portraying the
part of rubbish

by hiding in a wheelie bin.

Katy didn't find me
and Jo didn't find me.

Next up, we're gonna see
Rose Matafeo.

Let's give this a go.

Not that one.

"Gently shake one bin."

I mean, I know he's in that one
but I just want to ring.

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

Hi, Alex, which bin are you in?

I think it's five.

ROSE GASPS

No!

"You may wheel one bin three
metres." That one.

"You may gently shake one bin."
Four.

"How may strike one bin
with a frying pan." One.

"You may push one bin over."
That was that one.

"You may avert your eyes and drop
one thing into the bin."

Then I dropped that in there and
then it dropped to the bottom.

Is there a sixth bin?

One or five? One or five?

One.

GROANING

Damn it.

f*ck.

Don't look at me! Don't look at me
like that!

I just... Don't look at me
like that! OK.

Say it.

It was the task.
With the task underneath.

Oh, I know, David!

I saw that.

Well, you seemed quite forensic
in your approach at first.

You did the shake, you went over to
the phone,

you dropped the stethoscope in.

You were like a really great
Sherlock Holmes-type character

until right at the end.

You think Sherlock Holmes has ever
missed a clue that huge

at the very beginning, though?

Not Sherlock. No way. But also,

the stethoscope... No way, I'm
writing that down.

Yeah, I'm sorry about throwing
the stethoscope at you.

Well, it was very odd. So I was, I
thought, taking up all the bin but

she dropped the stethoscope and it
It just missed me completely

and struck the bottom of the bin so
she thought, "Well, he's not
in there."

Just wandered off... Is this how you
figure out you're a ghost?
I think so, yeah.

Is this your Patrick Swayze moment?
Oh, that'd be so great.

Finally,
it's two proper blokes' blokes,

real salt-of-the-earth types,

it's Edward Stephenson Gamble
and David Lionel Baddiel.

Right, he's not in that one.

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

Hello, can you shout?

Why would I shout?

I can't hear you - can you shout?

I can hear you very clearly.

No, I can't hear you.

Well, you're responding to me.

I have no idea what you're saying.
Can you just speak a bit louder?

Oh, I'm losing you.
I can't hear what you're saying.

Oh, you've gone. You've gone.

That's just rude.

Not in that one.

BIN RATTLES

You may push one bin over.

This is here.

"Alex is odd."

I'm guessing that means
he's in an even one.

Erm, I mean in an odd one.

That's what I mean.

LAUGHTER

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Hello?

Hmm.

I guess five.

Alex Horne!

APPLAUSE

It's this one, obviously.
Can we mark the time?

I'd just like to do this as well.

It's this one.

AUDIENCE: Aw.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's almost like
watching you being born.

LAUGHTER

Lovely start in life,

better than the grumpy old man
smashing you over the head

with a frying pan.

It was an opportunity afforded
by one of the commandments

that you could smash him
over the head with a bin...

..with a frying pan.

To determine whether he was in
there. No, no. Not to just hurt him.

It didn't say that.

It said at any point you could
hit him over the head with a bin.

Frying pan.

Five points. Also, David,
here's my question.

When Rose revealed the task,
you leant over to me

and said, "I didn't know
there was a task under there."

LAUGHTER

I know.

I'm having
a slight nervous breakdown.

When you pushed over the bin,

was there a part of you thinking
he might be in there? Yeah.

Everything I did, I did to bins
that I thought he might be in.

Love that song. Is that a version
of that Bryan Adams' song?

Bryan Adams...

LAUGHTER

Let's get some scores on the go. The
men were the only ones who found me.

David took 6 minutes 53.

Ed found me in 3 minutes
40, so he gets 5 points,

David Baddiel gets 4 points.

Lovely. I think we should see
a scoreboard, right? Right.

It's reasonably close.

We have one leader, though, and
that leader is Ed Gamble

with seven points.

What have we got
lined up next, Alex?

Oh, it's flipping paper
puzzle portrait pandemonium.

Here we go.

Hello. Hello, Katy. Hi.

Oh, no.

Is this going to be some
kind of sudoku-style bollocks?

"Draw a portrait." I like it so far.

"Draw a portrait of the
taskmaster using 16 A1 pages.

"You may not remove the A1
pages from the flip chart

"during your drawing.

"After the task, the A1
pages will be laid out...

"..in the pattern shown
on the front page."

What?

"You may only draw on the flip
chart paper. Best portrait wins.

"You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now."

Am I allowed to use a pencil?

I still don't understand
what this is for.

That's the front page of the...

Yeah, but why has it got
different numbers on it?

That's how we're going to
lay it out afterwards.

Seems a bit ridiculous.

I don't know what to do.
I've kind of gone "Eugh!"

What does Greg look like?

That's not very helpful.

The only one that I wanted
was too heavy. Oh.

Can you bring that in for me?
The main portrait? Yeah.

How long have I got?
11 minutes now.

I've been talking for nine minutes?

Nine minutes. Oh, my God.

That's great. Thank you.

That's gone a bit mental.

Greg's got to be upside down.
This is a mind f*ck actually.

To be honest, he looks
quite bad-tempered.

He's always angry.

Oh, no.

Hang on. Oh, yeah.

5, 6.

16.

What is that? Paint.
Have you got an apron?

KATY SIGHS

PAINT SQUELCHES

Oh, my... Oh. I've really
messed this up.

This is going to look
absolutely dog sh*t.

That's going to be a completely
different size to the other one.

That's upside down.

Oh, no.

Rather more pubic
than I anticipated.

I'm guessing he likes
a bit of Dickens.

Tiny bit of bollock.

Stick to the plan!

I hate picturing things upside down.

Here, here, here.

I think there might be too
much face, but never mind.

Oh, I've done it. Have I? No.

APPLAUSE

Shall we get David's
out the way? We can.

What a terrible thing
to say! Oh, David.

This is how it looked when we laid
it out according to the grid.

LAUGHTER

That is some kind of
sudoku bullshit

You're going to give that no points,

but it's going to win
the Turner Prize.

Do you know what?

There comes a point where we
have to get medical advice.

LAUGHTER

That's two left halves of a face
with a leg growing out of the head.

It's quite simple.

Hair...

LAUGHTER

It's a normal person, all right?

They've got hair on top,
eyes, a nose, some knees.

And then some children.
What's wrong with that?

And he says normal person,
but just below the lip,

right in the middle, that's
a little bit of bollock.

LAUGHTER

OK, only two parts to go

until someone wins Katy's
useless bagpipes,

but for now, more adverts.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Hello again. Here we
go with part three.

Weren't people struggling to draw
me before the break? Sort of.

They had to draw a piece of you
on each page of a flip chart pad

according to the number
pattern provided.

So far, we've found out that
David Baddiel isn't very
good at this sort of thing.

Katy Wix had a go
and it looked like this...

Oh, Katy, it looks great.

That's got a look of me...

LAUGHTER

It's got your eyebrows.

..when I was going through
my David Bowie phase.

That's what I was referring to.

You've kind of got an Eddie
Munster hairline there as well.

Or like Liza Minnelli.
And your dropping nostril.

LAUGHTER

It's something you
need to get sorted.

DAVID: There's three
eyes. Four pupils.

Well, don't start picking it apart.

You've said it was good.

Now let's look at Rose's attempt.
This is how hers turned out.

That's good. AUDIENCE: Ooh.

APPLAUSE

Hairy old guy, isn't he?

I can't remember.

I think that was
supposed to be your suit,

but it could be your
hair if you want.

I gave you lovely long lashes
on the top and bottom.

Yeah, and two lovely
lines of barbed wire for hair.

LAUGHTER

OK, I can show you Ed Gamble's
if you like. Oh, yes, please.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's absolutely ridiculous.

LAUGHTER

I'm not as upset with
that as I thought I'd be.

Did you get a primary schoolchild
to do the outside bits?

David, why the f*ck are you talking?

APPLAUSE

Unbelievable.

Whose next? Slightly different.
It's Jo Brand's attempt.

LAUGHTER

Chips!

I thought you liked chips.
I mean, you've already won.

Talk us through this set up.

The whole thing doesn't
have to be your face.

I know it doesn't look like you,

but I think I flattered
you quite a lot there.

LAUGHTER

I just tried to put some things in
there that you might like.

Do you like cats? No. OK.

That's your one mistake because
I despise them. It's a fox.

And I think...

LAUGHTER

What's that? Was the bottom there?
Is that a headless body?

KATY: I thought it was a tampon.

That is, you genuinely said at
the time, a nuclear power station.

LAUGHTER

I love nuclear fusion!

I knew you would!

Right, I'm ready to
take your scores.

I think that the one that captures
my majesty the most is Katy's,

so I'm going to give
Katy five points.

OK, five points to Katy.

APPLAUSE

I think that Jo's is
such a clever idea

that I'm going to give
her four points.

OK, second place to Jo Brand.

Thank you, Gregory.

I don't want to be either
of those two people.

I'm going to give them both
three points. OK. Ed and Rose.

And how many is David getting?

I mean, David is going to get one
point and he can thank me for it.

LAUGHTER
OK, there we go. We're done. Katy
Wix wins the prize!

There we are! Katy Wix!

What now? It's the first
team task of the series.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Hello.

Hi, Alex.

Erm...

Hello, mate.

How's it going? Nice to see you.

Oh, good God, it's David Baddiel.

LAUGHTER

They've put us together.

I know. Elderly. Yes, I know.

Ah! Oh, no!

Hello! Hello, mate. Yes!

KATY: Hi, sweetheart.

"Complete this adventure.

"Unless otherwise stated,
you must stick together

"and only open one task when you've
completed the previous one.

"Fastest wins.

"Now either look in the
toaster or go to the shed."

"Now either look in the toaster
or go to the shed." What toaster?

It's a Choose Your Own Adventure.

Shall we all go to
the shed together,

or to the toaster together?

My instinct is to do the opposite
of what they're suggesting.

Of what Alex wants us to do?
We could just sit here.

It's quite a nice day. The shed's
by far the nearest. Yeah.

And to me, I think let's go
to the toaster first.

Are we all together? Yeah, we're all
together. We're all together. OK.

It smells like asparagus.
Close the door.

Can we go that way to the kitchen?

You can try going that way if you
want. OK. Are we going to try?

Oh. It doesn't look right.

"Find the egg in the shed

"then either go to your
pigeonhole or the caravan."

Where is the toaster?

There it is. Oh, hang on.
Right, OK. So there's two.

That's the left hand.

Sinister. Yeah.

"Put a kitchen implement on
one person's head." OK.

"That person must wear the kitchen
implement for the rest of the task."

Never watched it.
"Now go to the shed."

Got it! Got an egg. Right, OK.
So, the pigeonhole or the caravan?

Caravan? Yeah. Caravan.

What about a colander? Yeah, a
colander won't fall off.

Do you want to wear it?
I don't mind.

You look very First World
w*r suddenly. Do I?

OK, so now we have to go to
the shed? "Now go to the shed." OK.

APPLAUSE

Very interesting seeing the
difference in the two groups.

I loved seeing the three young
people playing Taskmaster

and I also liked watching Jo
and David doing Bargain Hunt.

LAUGHTER

Let's have a look, shall
we? OK, yes, it's team time.

As always, it's a team of
three versus a team of two

because that's definitely fair
and no-one ever gets in touch

to say it isn't.

LAUGHTER

We're going to start with
Jo and David. Here we go.

"Find the egg in the shed then
either go to your pigeonhole

"or the caravan."

There's not much chance
of... Oh, here we are. OK.

I gave up so easy.

"Say the meaning of the word
umiliante." Is that what it says?

Yeah.

Is that Italian? "..umiliante
and then look in the toaster."

Is it humiliate?

That's what it sounds
most like, doesn't it?

It's like an arthouse
challenge, this one.

I know, I'm quite enjoying it.

Shall we have the right-hand one?

Because we had the left
last time, didn't we? Yeah.

"Make and eat a
sandwich." OK. Bread.

What do you like? Cheese?

Cheese is fine. Yep.

Egg mayonnaise.

Do you want artichokes in your
sandwich? I don't think I do.

Cocktail sausages?
I quite like those. Do you?

OK, well, do you want
a sausage sandwich?

Do you mind if we put them in the
microwave for a little bit?

Because they'll be
nicer. I don't mind.

Yeah, let's do that.

Are you all right with a bit of
mustard? Yeah. Perfect.

There we go, that's
your half. Thank you.

That's delicious. I really
would like a cup of tea.

I'll put the kettle on.

Yeah, I'm going to have Earl
Grey. What would you like?

Have they got ordinary tea?

I mean, I'll have Earl
Grey if they haven't got it,

but I find it a bit perfumed.

"Whisper three words that
begin with D and end with G

"and then go to the living room or
look under the doormat."

That doesn't begin with D.

With G. No, it has to begin with
D and end with G. Oh, sorry.

I didn't whether to tell you. I
thought, "Maybe she's illiterate."
Please do tell me.

That's two.

LAUGHTER

With the tea, we might be able to
sit down in the living room.

Let's go to the living
room then. Yeah.

"Without making a mess, get a task
out of one of these jars.

"You may not leave the room until
you have read out one of the tasks."

I think we should screw it like a
cork. That's brilliant.

That is so clever. Thanks, Dave.

"Without discussing,
complete Alex's phrase.

"When you succeed,
look under the doormat."

The winner of Taskmaster
series nine is...

BOTH: ..David Baddiel.

"Say the word 'demeaning'.

"The fastest to say the
word 'demeaning'...

Demeaning! Demeaning.

WHISTLE BLASTS
Well done, team. You've completed
the task. Have we? Oh, OK.

Is that it? You can go and
have a sit down now.

Let's go and have a sit down
and finish our cup of tea.

Love that!

Were you playing silly
old people music?

LAUGHTER

No, we weren't! It was basically
Last Of The Summer Wine

being played in the background. We
couldn't put an action score on it!

We were essentially watching
the Real Marigold Hotel.

You stopped for a f*cking
sandwich I do believe.

That's what he said! He told us
to make a f*cking sandwich

He told us to make a sandwich!

Yeah, but he didn't say,

"Then kick back and enjoy it while
talking about the good old days."

The whole point of the task
was to say the word "demeaning"

and the word umiliante means
humiliating or demeaning.

Begins with D, ends in G.

Putting a colander on your head,
we thought you might say,

"This is quite demeaning."
Oh, sorry, I misunderstood.

I thought the whole
point of the task was to,

in the most sinister way possible,
whisper "Guantanamo Bay".

I won!

Incredible. Absolutely incredible.

So, I can tell you that the time to
b*at was 36 minutes and 26 seconds.

LAUGHTER

You're not going to do it.

Can I just tell you something?

I don't think I realised we were
doing it against the clock.

Didn't you soften the butter to put
on the bread in the microwave?

I did, I softened
the butter in the microwave.

And I did know we were
doing it against the clock

and I didn't give a f*ck.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Stop it! Stop! Stop it!

Thank you. Here are your adverts.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

There you are. It's the final
part of tonight's show.

Bags are soon to be won, but for
now, a task needs completing

and we were enjoying our first
team task, weren't we, Alex?

Yes, we were and I'm just generally
in a really good place right now.

LAUGHTER

So, we've seen David and Jo's pacey
endeavour to complete the task,

now it's the turn of the excitable
pups, Ed, Rose and Katy.

THEY SHOUT EXCITEDLY

"Say the meaning of the word
umiliante then look in the toaster."

Does it mean egg?

Does umi mean egg?

Oh, maybe there's
a dictionary in there.

All right, we're going in. No.

Umiliante is to hunt for eggs.

No. Egg hunt? No. Is it three
people and an egg? No.

I'm sorry, it's not as fun,
but here we go. What?

I didn't know this was allowed.

Humiliation. I honestly
nearly said that!

Where are we going next?

All right, there's two tasks.

"Put a kitchen implement on
one person's head.

"That person must wear the kitchen
implement for the rest of the task.

"If the implement falls off,
that person must sit on the bench

and hum the theme tune for at least
three minutes." What about this?

This is a kitchen
implement. Absolutely!

Are you happy to hold it?
Yes. Right, let's go.

Do you think that's quite ominous
that it meant humiliation?

"Find the egg in the shed and
either go to your pigeonhole

"or the caravan."

Right, here we go.
Come on, team. Pigeonhole!

"You must split up.

"One of you go to the phone box,
one of you to the mangle..."

What's that?

"One of you behind the caravan."

I'm not going in the phone box!

I'm not going to the phone box.

Don't come to the phone box!

"Each of you must now hold
an egg in each of your hands

"for the rest of the task.

"If you break any egg, you
must find and hold another.

"Now go to the caravan." There's
one. There's two. There's one there.

There's a blue one over
there. Got one.

"Now go to the caravan."
Caravan. Come on!

"Say the meaning of the word
umiliante then look in the toaster."

ALL: Humiliation!

We've opened that one
so if you get the other one.

"Make and eat a sandwich."

"The whole team have to have
helped in making the sandwich

"and every member must have at
least one bite of the sandwich.

The bread bin's here.

Chop the banana. I'd put the butter
on the bread. Take a bite!

OK, I'll take a bite.

Come no, guys! Come on, team.

"You have taken a wrong turn
and must start again at the bench."

No! Yay! "To complete this adventure
you must stick together

"and only open one task when you've
completed a previous one.

"Now look in the toaster or go
to the shed." Let's go to the shed.

But now we have to find another egg.
We've already got two eggs each.

There's an egg there.
It's got a pigeonhole.

"You must split up."
I'm not going to the phone box!

Come to the phone box!

"Each of you must now hold an
egg..."

No, "..an egg in each of your hands
for the rest of the task.

"If you break an egg you must find
and hold another egg."

There's one there,
one there and one there.

Wait, where do we go from now?
Erm... Caravan. We were just there.

ALL: Humiliation!

"Make and eat a sandwich.

"The whole team blah, blah, blah,
blah... Then now go to the lab."

I'm going to spread. Here you
go. Right. Everyone.

OK, now go to the lab.
OK, go to the lab.

Whisper three words that begin
with D and end with G.

Then go to the living room.

Driving.

Dancing.

Dogging.
LAUGHTER

"Without making a mess, get a task
out of one of these jars.

"You may not leave the room until
you have read out one of the tasks."

SUCKS

SHE SCREAMS

We've all got to
go to the bench.

SHE SINGS

Are you timing, Alex? Yes, yes.

WHISTLE
Three minutes is up. Right, back.

"One of you must give Alex
a kiss on the forehead

"then look in the other jar."

Is that the whole thing?

Time's up, Ed. Sorry.

Come on!

"Without discussing,
complete Alex's phrase.

"Then look under the doormat."

The winner of taskmaster
Series 9 is...

ALL: Rose Matafeo.

Right. The fastest to say the
word demeaning at any point in the
task wins.

Demeaning. Thank you, guys.
Are we done? Yeah. Wow!

Is that, like, three hours?

APPLAUSE

What's wrong with you guys?

You not fancy kicking back
and enjoying a sandwich?

That sandwich was delicious,
actually. We had a lovely time with
that one.

I'm starting to think that,
strangely, we might be in with
a chance.

I really think you might be, yeah.
It was very long. We got stuck
in a loop. Yeah.

I can show you the loop you got
stuck on if you like.

The minimum distance is 30m.
You guys walked 131m.

This team walked 665m.
LAUGHTER

And this is what it looked like.

So, we've Ed, Katie and Rose
on the left.

LAUGHTER

Yeah.

It was quite close. I genuinely
don't know who's going to win this.

I do.

Right. Well, we know Jo and David
took 36 minutes and 26 seconds.

Yeah. The others took...

..29 minutes.
APPLAUSE

That was way closer than it
should have been.

I'm going to give the Fast Super
Excited Egg Kids five points.

Thank you. Thank you.

And I'll give the Cheese Sandwich
Gobbling Old People three.

Five and three.
APPLAUSE

Give me the scores. OK. The Gobblers
are now tailing off at the bottom.

LAUGHTER
That can happen with Gobblers!

And...
LAUGHTER CONTINUES

And leading with 15 points,
it's little Ed Gamble.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, everybody, please stand up
and make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Great to see five great people
up there. What's the task?

Who's going to read it, Alex?
Five great people, yep.

OK, erm...
LAUGHTER

Jo Brand is going to read this
one. Good.

No rush.

LAUGHTER

"Make a lovely little ball
arrangement.

"You have 100 seconds."

What? Make a lovely little ball
arrangement. That's it. Yes, please.

What are the buckets for?
All the information is on the task.

Your time starts... What?

BLOWS WHISTLE

MUSIC

AUDIENCE SHOUTS ENCOURAGEMENT
Come on, Ed!

You can't shout, "Go on, Ed,"
you don't know what I'm supposed
to be doing!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

I don't know what you're cheering
about! What are they cheering?

That's a lovely little ball
arrangement.

WHISTLE
Stop arranging.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Feisty! Rose, what have you done?

Like a pyramid stack. Katie? Spiral.

Jo. Mine says "ball".
LAUGHTER

Ed? I've done a bunch of flowers
with the moon in the sky. OK.

Ambassador, with these plastic
balls, you are really spoiling us.

Lovely, lovely.

OK, ready for the second
part of the task. Yeah.

CLAPS TWICE

Are you satisfied that they
can't see anything?

My God, I'm so satisfied.

I'm surprised by how funny I find
David's glasses on his hat. OK.

Flatten all of the yellow balls.
Oh, you mother... No!

LAUGHTER

Throw all of the red
balls into the bucket.

And turn all the blue balls
into one big blue ball.

Most balls in the right shape
and place after 100 seconds wins.

Everyone ready?
WHISTLE

Flatten the yellows.
Flatten the yellows.

AUDIENCE SHOUTS ENCOURAGEMENT

Do they smell?

Smelling them, are you? He's eating
them. Don't eat it. Is this red?

AUDIENCE: Yes! Oh!

Red? AUDIENCE: Yellow!

What colour's this?
AUDIENCE SHOUTS

What was it? Blue in the bucket?
Red in the bucket? Red?

Red?
AUDIENCE SHOUTS

I think you need to shout their
name before you shout the colour.

AUDIENCE: Red!

Come on, Jo!

THEY CLAP

10 seconds!

AUDIENCE: Red! Yellow!

Five, four, three, two, one.

WHISTLE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Perhaps you'd like to join me
down here

while we work out how that's
affected the final scores.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, now. Well, now.

That would have put the cat amongst
the pigeons, I shouldn't wonder.

I was mainly on David watch,

who was getting very close
to the edge of the stage.

I was prepared to die for Task
Master.

It didn't work, you came last.

So, David got 12% of his balls
in the right place. Hello.

Rose put all of hers in the bucket
which meant one third of hers

were in the right place,
the rest were all wrong. 33% right.

Katie and Ed both got 45% right.
AUDIENCE: Oh!

And get four points
each for that reason,

but Jo was the runaway winner
and pretty much nailed it.

Pretty much got everything right

except for the ones
she threw at the audience.

APPLAUSE

I'm happy now!

So. They've all made it to
double figures this time. Oh!

We have a first-time winner,
who is Mr Ed Gamble.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Lovely Ed Gamble is
tonight's winner.

Please go and bag up your bags
and big up yourself.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that if you find
yourself in an emergency situation

up against the clock with disaster
imminent,

every second a crucial second, stop,

pause, make yourself
a lovely sandwich.

LAUGHTER

And we've learnt that
Ed Gamble won some bags.

This is truly a day he will
never forget. Night-night.

See you next time.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE